Who is Suffering?

 Don't surrender your lonliness so quickly. Let it cut you more deep. Let it ferment and season you as few humans and even divine ingredients can. Something missing in my heart tonight has made my eyes so soft, my voice so tender, my need for God so absolutely clear. 

Hafiz 

I woke up this morning peaceful and glad to be alive.  I was aware of that peacefulness...I smiled and laid back into it.  Life was perfect...for all of three minutes maybe. :) 

I realized  it was just the dogs and I in the bed. One by one the thoughts came into my head...trying thoughts, demanding thoughts regarding the present stressors in "my" life and the changes  I felt needed to be made recently and fears about the  future.  With those thoughts came all kinds of emotions, feelings, perceptions and judgements.  

My story  included so many "my", so many "me", so many "I". Things are happening in "my" life, to "me" and "I" am suffering.  And once again the good old core ( solar plexus) began to twist up into that knot I am becoming all too familiar with. 

I jumped out of bed...not to run happily into the day...but to run from my moment, one  full of "unwanted" thoughts, feelings, images and ideas. Sigh....ego was up to his old tricks.

Aha!  As I soon as I hit the floor attempting to escape the sudden chaos in my mind, I observed that I was trying to run from what is becasue I was sinking into thoughts and emotion and getting lost there. 

I also realized ego was doing this and suddenly I found myself questioning: Who is it that is suffering? Who is thinking these thoughts and feeling these feelings? And who is witnessing me thinking these thoughts and feeling these feelings? 

Those questions alone seemed to help me to detach from the mental melodrama I was creating. The future disappeared and with it the worry and fear; the past disappeared and with it the resentment and grief.  I was just in the moment.  It was neither good or bad.  It just was. It was very peaceful.

And that lasted for all of three minutes as well...lol. 

I kept going off and coming back...being pulled into past and future, dragging my sorry butt back to the moment.  Calm and peaceful one moment, full of pressing thought the next. I am still not "enlightened" becasue I am still very much an egoic person...but...but... every time I pull myself back; everytime I witness what I am thinking and feeling, knowing that I am thinking and feeling, I wake up a little more and I stay awake a little longer.  It is a process. 

So it was ironic, once again, that these were the videos that showed up this morning and that I was drawn to listen to: Mooji's "I watching" and Jack Kornfield's "Who Am I?" ( see links below) 

Mooji encourages us to watch our "I" sense.  Ask which "I" is doing the talking and the thinking.  Is it the "I" ego creates, the "little me" lost in some idea of self that is nothing more than a mental construct or is it the Self. He states that as soon as we see the person that is starring in the melodrama we got going on as a mental construct, the moment we realize that all the "I" "Me" and "My "is coming from an idea we have of who we are and not Who we Really Are...then we stop supplying energy to it and it eventually dissolves. As we  distance from  that idea of self ...we become aware of the true Self...if only for a second.

Jack Kornfield reminds us that the suffering the body and mind experience  is not who we are either.  He, at teh same time,  encourages us not to attempt to bypass suffering- to resist or escape it like I was trying to do this morning ...but simply to  hold it as another important part of being human in our hearts, without getting lost in it or tangled up in its tethers.  Tethers will remain ...thoughts, pain, fear, doubt, anxiety, lonliness etc will remain as part of the human tapestry, what life offers all of us, but we do not need to get tangled up in them.  When we practice becoming still, quiet and mindful   we come to see our true nature as Self.  We are not this suffering...we are whole, compassion, kindness, love, peace and joy. We are not seperate from what is.

Life will continue to flow by us and through us carrying a million different experiences, a million different thoughts, a million different feelings.  We just need to allow them to flow through.  They will keep coming and going, changing and morphing...as will we. And they will  not last forever nor will we in these forms.  Everything ...except Self...is perishable and impermanent. 

We are going to be human and that is part of the beauty of all this.  We are going to keep getting lost in thought and feeling...until we become enlightened.  For most of us, that won't happen in this life time.  So don't beat yourself up if you find yourself being pulled away by ego...just catch what is happening...ask is this "I" in my drama, my "little me", or is it my True Self? 90 percent of the time...it will be your "little me". Then ask who is watching all this?  As soon as you ask this, you are the watcher, the observer and no longer lost in ego.  That is enough to bring you back to awareness.  

We  just need to keep bringing ourselves back again and again to this moment, to presence and to the awarenes that we cannot help but be.

All is well in my world. 

Jack Kornfield ( April, 2018) Episode 67 Who Am I? Be Here Now Network. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLAzKM-RgQQ

Mooji (January 31, 2021) A Simple but Profound Exercise- "I"- Watching.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXKjlCltQUs

The Teacher's Gift

 You truly can reach a state in which you never have any more stress, tension, or problems for the rest of your life.  You just have to realize life is giving you a gift, and that gift is the flow of events that takes place between your birth and your death...Learn to stop resisting reality, and what used to look like stressful problems will begin to look like stepping-stones of your spiritual journey. 

Michael Singer, the untethered soul, page 155

Oh my goodness...my life feels like an advanced calculus class right now.  I know all the lessons and formulas I see scribbled up on the board are there to help me learn but man it is hard to see the learning in it. I can't help but put my hand up, wave it in the air and say, "Hey teacher...I need to remind you that I struggle with grade five math. Will you please slow it down just a bit?" 

To which Life, in all her wisdom, will respond as she smiles kindly down at me , "No...no I won't."  

Sigh... another complication to add to an already complicated situation presented itself today....and then another totally unrelated stressor appeared, a reminder of the suffering of others. 

Just challenge...just circumstance...just surface phenomena.  What I am expereincing as stressors are just the ripples on the surface of the still and calm, unruffled and placid waters of Life.  I might not understand the formulas on the board at first glance...especially if I try to do so with the conceptual mind which barely understands fractions and long division...but I do understand it at the deepest level.

I just need to stop resisting, toget still and quiet a little more often and I will make sense of the writing on the wall. I will see the gift in every life event that comes my way.

All is well.

Something Wrong?

 

Always trust your first gut instincts. If you genuinely feel in your heart and soul that something is wrong, it usually is.

Unknown?

Hmmm!  There Life is again, in front of that classrom in my mind, scribbling notes on the white board...like me she has terrible penmanship.  I can't quite make out what she is teaching...but I am going to trust in her wisdom and her concern for me. 

I may not understand all of it but I can make out the major point Life is making:  I need to surrender to what is and step back from a situation that was very unhealthy for me and the people around me.  My desire to "help",  though based on genuine concern and compassion, was not healthy.  It was not wanted and possibly not needed. It drained the h#$$ out of me but it did so little good in the long run for others...possibly putting me at greater risk.  Unfortunately, stepping back from this will also mean I have to step back from my relationship, at least for a while. 

I tried to help someone I truly care about both with their addiction and their psychosis. I seen a problem and I seen a solution that few were going towards. I knew it wasn't going to be easy...by no means... but I could see recovery happening if the "whole picture" was evaluated.  No one wanted to know what I knew, to see what I seen  or to hear what I had to say. And I didn't know how much to push...or if it even was my place to push or to make others see. Even when "safety" was an obvious issue...I would attempt to share, to make others hear...but they just couldn't or wouldn't...and I was reminded again and again of my place. The person I wanted to help saw what I was doing as interference and was angry and suspicious of me as a result, almost to the point of being vengeful possibly.  

At the same time it was assumed I should put away my needs, put aside what I knew and take this person in....to "help" in the way that was easier for others...even if it was definitely  not helping in the long run ...least of all me. They did not see the whole picture...they refused to see or hear how sick this individual really was, even when I stated over and over again I have evidence to back up this deep internal knowing I got going on! 

So I made a decision, when he was released today,  to step back and walk away regardless of the consequences.  I walked away from my desire to "help" ...I walked away from this person...and possibly away from others as aresult of walking away from him.  I wish him well...I truly do.  I wish all around him well too.  I just cannot do it anymore. I'm done with this. 

Others may want me to feel shame and guilt here for abandoning someone in need...but I don't and I won't.  I have done more than most, sacrificed more than most to "help" someone who did not want the help I offered.  Now I say, "No more".   It is wrong!

I do not have a good feeling about what the "outcome" of this will be.  I have dark and painful knot in my gut when I think about it.  This will not be good! But I can't make people hear that if they don't want to.  

I tried.  I tried hard.  It is now beyond me. I let go.

All is well. 

My Favorite Day

"What day is it?" asked Pooh.

"It's today," squeaked Piglet.

"My favorite day," said Pooh.

A.A. Milne

This morning,  I came here before I did what I normally do in my practice.  I don't know why.  

I usually start every morning...and I absolutely adore my morning...at the dining room table surrounded by windows that allow the light and the outside world to pour through. I drink my tea, very mindfully. It is so lovely and peaceful. I  feel joy in those moments. 

Then I will listen to an inspirational speaker or read from an inspirational writer who adresses this idea of awakening...I may have my notebook open and I might jot down a few quoutes or key ideas that strike me in a way that tells me they are worth noting.  I sit with that for a while.  

I will take care of the household things ...feed the five furry residents of my home, and allow for cuddles and outdoor breaks.  I will fold my sourdough, get the dishes in the sink, tidy up a bit, put a load in the wash and make my own breakfast. 

Then I will meditate for about 20-30 minutes. That meditation may be guided or self directed...depending.  Right now I am doing chakra meditations and am listening to a wonderful series from Healing Camp...doing one chakra a day.

After that I will put on some Reiki or meditaton music and open all the windows in my house for a cleanse.  I will do a bit of walking meditation as taught by Thich Nhat Hanh., followed by the salutations to the sun. 

Then I will come here with the notes I took that day and open up this page.  For some reason, and I am not sure if this is ego but assume it to be, I will go through my stats page and reread what others wrote.  I tell myself , I am just evaluating the need for revision and editing (usually many typos and grammar mistakes lol) but part of me is checking to see if, "it was good enough". 

Ego is always looking to redeem itself, isn't it? Did I write that well?  Is it something to be proud of or ashamed of? Will it be heard?  I guess in those moments it is about "little me"? 

I check the number of readers for the day...that is what is important to me...not the readers in total.  In the last 24 hours ...how many readers did I get and how many and what  entries were read? 

If it was 30 plus entries read...that takes time to read through all of them and make corrections if I choose to. So I may be in the "evaluation" part of my coming here for over an hour.  I then get up and do a bit of stretching or exercise to get the circulation going.

By the time I have done all that...I open up to a new post...a little less "motivated" than I was before....a little less "fresh with new ideas" than I was when I first sat down. 

Hmmm...might have to start rereading after I write my morning entry.  On a positive note...I do learn from each thing I reread....and that is a major reason why I am here...to teach so I learn, to learn so I teach. 

Then...and only then...do I make myself open to the world...check in with loved ones, take care of business, answer texts and emails, meal prep, household chores, take dogs for a walk in the woods, go out if I need to etc. 

I have not been going to my other writing very often and I have to look into that.

My longer yoga practice is usually done before supper or an hour after supper.

D. and I eat together. And we will spend a quiet evening in front of our electric fire place, surrounded by our furry friends watching Net Flix or Prime  while I knit.  I knit what I call "intention scarfs" for others.  I try to be mindful of each stitch and send a positive and loving intention to the person I am knitting the scarf for or to the world at large.  This is good considering I am not the best knitter and if I am not mindful...I make a mess lol.  The imperfect finished products I have handed out so far show that I am not as mindful as I would like to be...maybe best to do this without trying to watch TV at the same time. Right now I am knitting a healing scarf for my daughter who recently lost her baby. 

I like to shower or bath before bed...helps to relax me. Bed time for me is anywhere between 11-12...depnding if I have a bread to put in and get out of the oven. 

Anyway...that is my day...even though you did not ask to hear about it. I think it was important for me to evaluate how I have been spending it becasue I have been wondering if I was spending my precious life in a worthwhile way? Are you spending yours in a worthwhile way?

So this small change in routine that I amde this morning is more or less showing me what I want to continue doing and what maybe I can change around a bit so every day  is filled with what is important to me. So that everyday will be, as it is for Pooh, my favorite day.

All is well.

Smiling Through the Continual Succession

 Life, as you well know, is a continous succession: it's great, it's lousy, it's agreeable, it's disagreeable; it's joyous and blissful, and other times it's sad. And being with that, being with this continual succession of agreeable and disagreeable with an open spirit, open heart, and open mind, that's why I sit to meditate.

Pema Chodron (2013) How to Meditate.Sounds True, page 52.

Sad and It Shows 

I realize I wasn't very energetic in the video I put out yesterday.  I look sad. I did not smile much.  It is recommended that we consciously smile while we are meditating for all kinds of reasons...helps to inhibit  serotonin reuptake for one thing...which will help  to open the heart and allow one to feel happier. Buddhist monks make it a part of their meditations and will sometimes suggest that a pencil be placed over the back teeth to force a smile.

I didn't use a pencil.  I didn't necessarily need to feel happier.  I have been grieving so it shows in my affect, and how I move about.  I allow, respect and honor this grief.  It is one of Rumi's many house guests...here for a reason. So as transparent as I am these days...I won't hide grief. I allow the tears to come whenever they come.  I allow my face to do what it wants to do to express what is inside.  I will speak outwardly of my sadness. 

Another Reason to Smile

At the same time...it doesn't mean I cannot smile for other reasons. I could have smiled for our connection.  

Smiling , I discovered, is something that can connect us to that intrinsic goodness in another. It opens our heart to compassion and kindness. Others  see that opening in a smile and tend to automatically smile back.  Have you noticed that? 

Smiles are healing for humanity.  They are like the body's "Namaste": the light in me sees and honors the light in you. That light is always there underneath the seemingly dark circumstances we encounter, the stress, the fear, the grief. And a smile lets it shine through.  

Smiling Through Grief

Despite my acceprtance of  grief and stress I want my heart to stay open.  We can actually smile in our grief.  We can actually have big open, compassionate hearts when we are grieving. Infact grief, instead of contracting us and making us feel seperate and alone, can be  a doorway to compassion and connection. 

I use my mind as a tool here, thanks to my practice in Tonglen meditation.  When I feel the grief...I think and visualize...my daughter's grief...and then I visualize her partner's grief...and all others who were excited about this birth and are now grieving.  I go from there to all others whom I know have lost in this way...and then to all others I don't know but who have lost in this way. Then I think of all those who have lost in anyway and who have felt the pangs of grief for whatever reason. That would cover just about everyone in the world.

This pain I feel then...when I do that...doesn't seperate me.  It connects me.  It is no longer  "my" pain.  It is not "my" daughter's pain...it is simply ...pain. It is the shared pain of humanity, one of the 10,000 sorrows that make up  human life. One life we are all a part of.  One pain we all share. And I smile.

As a person who likes to photograph, I am fasicinated by the human face.  The face  that I would most  love to capture but won't for obvious reasons...is the face of someone who is smiling while tears are streaming down their cheek.  There is something so beautiful, so honest in that. Witnessing such a face touches every cell within me. It speaks to the beauty in opening up to the 10,000 joys, 10,000 sorrows that make us human. 

Hmmm! How I ramble, eh? 

So my point...in meditation and in life...don't be afraid to grieve...and don't be afraid to smile. Both will help you to connect to that "greater something" that you are. It will help to keep you open to the continual succession of Life.

All is well.

Take a Moment to Be

 Altogether, the idea of meditation is not to create states of ecstacy or absorption, but to experience being.  

Chogyam Trungpa

Meditation and mindfulness practice  is what is getting me through this challenging time.  So, so thankful for the healing and grounding power of it. I can't help but to share it.

Including another video...as imperfect as it is. It was meant as a mindfulness practice to help my students prep for meditation or yoga but it is a practice in itself as well. Hope it helps...

If it is too imperfect or too much of a chore to go through this video...just stop, close your eyes and try focusing on your breath, for a moment or two. 

Every pause you take from the busy world and the busy mind will help.  

All is well!

10,000 Joys; 10,000 Sorrows

 Loving-kindness and compassion are boundless.

Thich Knat Hanh

Pouring!

I am not sure what is like for you, but when it rains in my busy world...it pours.  If the stressors and the suffering I was witnessing and soaking up were not enough...yesterday ...what seemed to be left of  my heart broke in two when my daughter lost her baby, a baby she was so excited about bringing into this world.  And the saddest thing was...I knew it was coming.  I knew it was coming.

Knowing

I kept having these intense feelings whenever she talked about the future or when she  went out to purchase something like the crib, or  she talked about what life would be like ...I found myself with that knot in my gut and I would say, "Just wait.  It is early yet."  Even after seeing the ultrasound videos with the healthy heart beat...the knot wouldn't go away.  

And on Saturday, she came for a visit.  She looked pale as she showed off her baby bump. She then sat across from me and she was talking about how upset she was that she had to put away her plans for a gender reveal party because of COVID.  And that knot just got so strong in me.  I said to her, "Let's not think of that yet.  It is so early.  Maybe you should not buy anything else or plan too much.  Let's just see what nature has in store." She laughed it off. 

On the way out she mentioned she had a bit of  cramps...and I knew. When I got the call at 530 in the morning yesterday,  I knew before I even said hello. She told me she was still having cramps.  I told her to go into the hospital.  She began to bleed on the way there. They did an ultrasound and baby was fine.  Still I knew.  I knew.  They admitted her with the assurance that everything would more than likely be fine. But  I knew.  And at 8 PM she lost the baby. 

I couldn't go to her...just like we couldn't go to L. in the middle of his psychosis becasue of COVID (and distance).  All I could do is call and text for 15 hours. It was a heart breaking experience.  I just felt her hope, her pain, her fear and I didn't know what to do to help her with it.  So I sat where I was with my phone open and I grieved for 15 hours.  I knew. 

Grief: Being There

And when we got the  news I wiped away my tears so I could be there for others.  As much as I could be for others....that is.  

I slept maybe 9 hours since the conference on Thursday...not more than a couple of hours a night.  So my ability to relay story is a bit off...forgive me.

She is doing okay...remarkably.  I am encouraging her to allow herself some time to grieve.  I hope she does.  I find myself, for what it is worth, grieving too. 

Enough with the sorrows: Where are the 10,000 joys?

 I am also looking back at  what seems to be the 10,000 sorrows my family has been expereincing lately  and wondering when the 10,000 joys are going to come our way. 

Hmmm! They are already here, intermixed with the sorrows...coming and going....like waves  against a shore.

Some of those 10,000 joys include:

• my daughter's experience, even if it went so quickly, of having a life inside her
• being able to witness the miracle of new life  via ultrasound
• how that brought her around to a different state of being for 14 weeks...joy, purpose and life just poured through her...it was beautiful to see
• her partnership with the father ...how he stood by her, loving and grieving, supporting (they made an exception for him and let him in).  It is a joy for me to see she has that in her life.
• this precious baby...brought joy as well as sorrow
• Love in all its forms...joy!
• my children...when I see how they respond and connect to each other in good times and in bad...my heart fills with joy
• there is so much laughter in this world even when we have to strain to hear it.  I stuck my head out the door several times yesterday and listened for the laughter of chickadees. It brought me joy
• being able to slip away from all the demands of the physical world to that peaceful center for a few minutes a day,  even amist the chaos...joy 
• Lovely golden light coming through the window as I sat in meditation today...joy!
• getting a call that meant that we would be getting help with a living situation for L. which meant maybe my relationship with his dad might not have to end....joy!
• a walk in the woods on a crisp winter's day while the dogs run beside me...joy!
• having a kind, respectful conversation with L. on the phone....being able to care and support without having to give up all that is important in my growing...joy! 
• awareness that inside me, inside all of us is this intuition...if we tap into it...that tells us things we may or may not want to hear but that is gentle and kind...there for the good of all...joy!
• Seeing the love a father has for his child...even when he slips up...his willingness to pick himself up and go back to that committment ...joy!
• seeing the people I love learn, and grow up through the challenges they encounter
• being able to be there for the people I love...joy
• recognizing that there is a bottomless well of compassion within us...even if mind tells us we are empty...joy!
• this breath I take right now...joy!

So, so much joy. Joy and sorrow are threads of the same cloth...interwoven around each other to give us the tapestry of a life.  Hmmm!

All is well in my world. 

Loving Awareness

 

When we are motivated by compassion and wisdom,the results of our actions benefit everyone, not just our individual selves or some immediate convenience.

Dalai Lama

An Empty Cup

Hmmm!  It has been an exhausting couple of days, full of major heart breaking life decisions, confusion over how things were handled on a professional level, sleepless nights, grief, sadness, frustration and fear.  I perceived I was completely wiped and "burnt out" with not an ounce left in my cup to give another human being.  Before I had time to replenish and restore the supply needed to nurture others with...a very thirsty individual landed at my door this morning. It broke my heart and I had to give...there was no question... but I felt so  dry...absolutly "useless" to this world.  How could I give?

Just One More Drop

I brought him in and sat him down and I asked internally for one more drop...just one more drop... to allow me to be there and offer a helpful presence to this lovely someone in need, to hear his story with compassion and nonjudgment, to empathize at the deepest level.  Like magic, something opened in me and the Love came out in abundance...from where I don't know.  My outer shell may be dry  like the Sahara dessert right now...but at a much deeper level ...Loving Awareness lies in its infinite capacity. Thank God.  

I felt my own twisted and bruised  heart opening with compassion and love. The moisture of Life came from my eyes and down my face reminding me there is an infinite supply of compassion in all of us.  I can't go dry.   

I knew it was not about fixing this; it is never about fixing anything...it is simply about being there. With that wisdom, I was so, so present and aware. I was able to offer some hard earned wisdom and direction sure  but all that was truely needed was my listening presence, my willingness to see the secret pain and the secret beauty in another human being, to witness the  intrinsic goodness and reflect that back to him at a time he needed it most. 

The Secret Beauty of All

Beyond the exterior shell of all beings , beneath the pain, the trauma, the "disesase or disorder", the words or the behaviour is intrinsic goodness.  Within ourselves is the infinite capacity to care...even if it is hidden by outer layers that reflect  life's many challenges and circumstances.  We need to remember that and to build up an easy access to that capacity through committed mindfulness and meditation practices.  You do not need to be a psychologist or a psychiatrist to help someone with their suffering...you just have to be a human being willing to open their heart and be there.  Hmmm!

This experience I had today, as heart breaking as it may have been, presented itself for a reason.  It helped give me clarity into the other more critical  situation, I am  dealing with.  Because of how  it was being handled I had to make a very, very difficult decision yesterday.  I had to say "no" to another's physical presence in my life for all our sakes, including his.(Believe me...I considered all, the whole wide picture).  That meant making some major heart-breaking life changes .  Doing so left me feeling like I was turning my back on someone in need; like I was being selfish and so "uncaring", like all my practice with tapping into my compassionate center, was for naught. I came to the realization  could no longer open my home or my physical being to this person.  It would be counterproductive for all. And yes...I also thought of myself...me as this little clump of flesh...and what my needs were.  I realzed that if I truly want to make a difference in this world, to be able to give to others, I have to take care of me too...I am just as valauble as the people I have been trying to help.  Compassion begins with self-compassion. Besides I do no good to anyone if I die. 

Anyway, I also learned from the words that came out of my mouth this morning, in response to questions asked, "Your needs are so important too.  And if you want to be a better partner or father (which you are already so great at) you need to turn some of that loving awareness back on you.  See your own intrinsic goodness...and go from there."

We all need to see our own intrinsic goodness as well.

Sigh!  Life with its 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows is one amazing learning platform, isn't it?

All is well. 

Boat Capsizing? Lighten the Load

 An overloaded boat is easily capsized by wind and waves.  Lighten your load, and your boat will travel more quickly and safely. 

Thich Nhat Hanh

I feel my boat capsizing and I need to lighten my load. 

I tried to meditate a few moments ago after a case conference that left me feeling a mixture of intense emotions: frustration, desperation, anger, lost, confused, and very fearful.  I was reacting to perceptions that I made about the discussion.  Those judgments, perceptions, thoughts included: "I am not being heard", "My fears are not being taken into consideration", "It doesn't matter what I say", "I am being bullied and railroaded in the kindest and subtlest of ways", "I am not articulating well enough," " I wish I was given  more time to prepare for this,"  "I cannot mention some of the things leading to this concern in front of his parole officer...criminal offense", "They really, really don't know what is going on here...how can I tell them,"  It wouldn't matter anyway...so I will just lie and say I am not concerned about my safety...make it about him instead.  Maybe they will hear that. ", "OMG...I am lying!", " I am not the psychiatrist...what do I do know", "I wish I could believe her...I wish that they knew all the things on that list he shared were things I heard a million times before," " I am glad they cannot see me trembling here...my gut instinct about this is so so loud right now"" I can't understand why I am having such an emotional reaction to this.", "I can't do this...why can't I just say...I can't do this!"  "Would it matter if I did"..." I wish I thought enough about my self, my life, my peace of mind to say "no"...but it makes me feel so guilty and I want to help...I always want to help...I know that is why I am here...so maybe my life as "little me' is not important. I don't want to get lost in "martyr syndrome" but are we not all here to sacrifice...to do as Gandhi taught and did, "Give our life away".  It would be for the "greater good' wouldn't it even if the level and driection of his fear puts me at risk?  Maybe I am not at risk or ever was? I do care and I do want to help and support but what was happening  here was enabling not helping.  I can't go back to that if I truly want to help."

" Why can I not stop trembling.  Why does this feel so "wrong" to every cell of my body?" "Why cannot I not speak or think clearly about this...I sound like a stupid egotistical and selfish child...when normally I am so articulate." "They think it is because I don't understand this type of mental illness...but I do.  It goes beyond what they are seeing!!! I am so much brighter and more perceptive then I am coming off as I speak here.  I can provide much better examples...if  only I was given the time before hand to prepare.  I may not know him like his Dad does....but I  KNOW HIM BETTER THAN THEY DO!" "Listen to me!"

I tried to articulate and express...but I wasn't heard, I was dismissed ( kindly using the right communucation and attempts were even made to salvage my ego when I presume they assumed I was on an ego binge) but I wasn't heard! I just gave up.

Anyway...so feeling all these things inside me I rushed down to my yoga studio after teh call and did some quick vinyasa to bring me back down into my body and then to get this stuff out of my body.  There was so much...I tried to meditate afterwards but monkey mind took over.  I was even yelling at "Google" when she misunderstood my request for particular guided meditations. She interjected at one point ...out of nowhere...and said, "Mindfulness tip: something to the effect...watch your reactivity " I laughed at that and thanked her for the  reminder. lol.  Man I had to be told off by Google...for goodness sake. That is how reactive I was. And I thanked a speaker like I was thanking a fellow human being who brought me back to mindfulness.

There was such a ball of confusion inside me I couldn't make sense of anything...to even begin being able to sit with each thing that came up...you know?  And I was so mad at myself for not loving myself enough...for not valuing myself enough...for not trusting myself enough to say..."I don't think you have the whole picture.  I don't believe  two weeks there made it all better...as much as you want to believe it did! He is sedated and numb but not better. This won't be good for him and this won't be good for me!" 

I can almost see what it will be like...falling back into old patterns...I know that it will...and selfishly...I don't have the energy to do it again.  Infact...feeling the way I feel right now is not going to be of benifit to him or anyone else around me, including me. I believe...and this is what kept coming up during my attempts at meditating...I need to step back and away from this picture somehow.  I need to back off and away.  I can support and care from a distance until we are both well and strong enough.  Hmmm! I can't change the  system.  I can't change him.  I can only chnage myself.  I have to start by stopping beating  myself up for my concerns, stop with the useless guilt. I know I have done a lot for that person ...a lot more than a lot would do. I truly care and want to help but help does not mean enabling or putting myself at risk safety wise, or health wise.  Hmmm! Then I need to decide or allow the appropriate action come to me...in regards to what "my" stepping back means.  That is the tough part.

So there is less of a tangle inside me now.  I am still reactive for sure...when I think of how the history got to the unit...relayed as if  others were the key players in his recovery and we were delaying his progress when we were the ones trying so desperately to get him help, attempting to activate the emergency system and the ones offering others the history to which they did not respond. 

Man...that is all ego...what others think of me, what ever story they received as long as it was the information that was necessary to get him there and on the right track with the medication.  How I came off to others during that conference...just ego again...my wanting to sound intelligent and on the ball...just ego stuff.  Truth is what is important...and that is inside me whether it comes out or not...it is there. 

What is also important is the well being of this loved one...and he is a loved one; the well being of all in my household and yeah...the well being of me. My well being is important too...I have to stop pushing my needs aside just becasue others are.  (And I don't mean to sound like a victim there...just that we all often operate from our own narrow minded agendas and unconsciously eliminate those factors that may interfere with that agenda. My expressed needs and concerns were some of those factors.) 

Man...I was going to say I have a lot of thinking to do...but I am going to rephrase that ...I have a lot of getting still and quiet to do...a lot of sitting with these feelings...and getting beyond them so the  inspiration for right action comes to me. I need to lighten my load and that starts in the mind.

All is well!   

. 

Writing Block

 -the key to  your continued motivation. Writer's spend a lot of time at their writing because it gives them great pleasure.

Steve Kowit 

Note: I just came back to this entry after seeing that it was recently read and I noticed so many typos and spelling errors that I somehow missed when I wrote it. How distracting they are. I fixed it up a bit. By the way, I did finish her story... turning it into a fiction based on real life events...and I went back to a sample I recently sent out. I was not happy with it...especially the introduction.   I spent so much time on that trying to put the memory of that little street into images and sound...I probs overwrote it big time...yet I am so attached to those words because of the memory. It feels more like a draft.  I can write better.  I know I can. Anyway...I wrote her story. :)

I was going to finish my novel based on my sister's story.  I made a commitment. I told myself I could not focus on any other writing until I completed it once and for all. 2000 words a day.  And it is true...it was somewhat of an obstacle on my writing path...sitting there blocking a clear focus of other writing behind it...but that didn't stop me from writing other stuff.  Just meant that it wasn't focused writing with clear writing goals and agenda. It was in fact creating a very disorganized , "incomplete" writing agenda. Leaving me feeling a little "chaotic" as a writer. I told myself that the chaos would give way to pleasure once that book was "out of the way". 

Why can't I finish it? 

I am going to have to  admit to being blocked.  It was hard for me to come out and say that but I guess I am.  If one is writing the same book for more than five years...when they have written books before in less than six months...that is blocked. I made a commitment to finish it before February 1...ten days away...but I did not write my 2000 words a day which I would have needed to do to get my word count.  

I used several different excuses and rationalizations...I blamed my lack of effort on some pressing life circumstances which is true...that kept me away...I told myself and others that other " more important" things needed to be looked after and there was some truth in that as well. I also fell on the fact that I have been feeling a little bit more fatigued than normal and I needed to look after my health. That was all good  and true too. But the truth is I have been looking for reasons not to go to this book. 

 I know me...when I am meant to do something...I do it...no matter what is happening  around me.  I feel the pull...I go...and I feel the pleasure  For some reason the pull isn't there right now...it is more like this book is pushing me away and I am not sure why.  Even when I forced myself to sit down with it...I wrote the 2000 words on more than one occasion since my New Year's commitment but there is so little "heart" in those words  and the  writing sucks! I feel so much "obligation" and "have to" and "should" and that is the antithesis to creativity. 

I tell myself it is the fact that the book requires me going back to past trauma memory, and though there is truth in that...since January first  I wrote a short story and two poems based on trauma memory.  That memory and trapped emotion wants to come out through creative expression and it is.  So it isn't even that.  

So I don't know why I am stuck and why I am resisting the story or why the story is resisting me. I just know it is what it is and that's okay.

I have also been writing my "poetic memoir" which seems to be coming out a lot easier.  I know I need a lot of "help" with my poetry.  My sister gave me a copy of In the Palm of Your Hand  by Steve Kowit for Christmas. It is like a poetry workshop/class between two covers. Amazing and so helpful. The two poems I wrote came as part of the assignment to write poems based on memory.  The short story was an expansion to one of those poems.  I can look at that writing and feel the connection to it...it is more real.

Do I heed the feeling that is pushing me away from my sister's story or do I push past it? 

I don't know yet but I will figure it out.  

All is well

A Ray of Light

 A Ray of Light

One small ray,

a  tiny golden beam 

of perfect light

enemating

 from the Infinite Source 

 you 

turn darkness into day,

warming the spot 

where the cat cleans itself,

feeding the extended leaves 

of the little plant

on the window sill

as they glow 

in an aura of  your warmth,

making the baby smile as it reaches

a chubby fist up to you ,

drying the tears of lonliness and pain

on your brother's cheek,

healing the sick and 

uniting  all the broken pieces

 of humanity

with perfect golden sutures.

You are the light, 

a reminder of the One Light,

the One Life, 

that is breathed through all.

Take care of this light

so that it can forever shine

upon the world that needs it so.

© Dale-Lyn...January, 2020

Hmmm!  This came from listening to Eckhart Tolle in On Being the Light. And the reminder he offered in that video of Jesus's words: 

You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in Heaven. Matthew 5: 14-16

Like rays from the sun, we are all enemations of the Source of Light...God. And we are meant to shine that light.  

All is well.

Eckhart Tolle ( September 25, 2020) Teachings on "Being the Light". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ypv5nEBBRYg

Bible Gateway https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%205:14-16&version=NIV

That We Cannot See

 

By that we cannot see

Guided,  protected, and  supported

by that we cannot see

seen, heard, embraced and loved 

by that we cannot see

blessed, provided for, nourished and fed

by that we cannot see

lit, warmed,  and helped to shine 

by that we cannot see

taught, challenged and  made to grow 

by that we cannot see.

-me and the angels :) 

I just did a little experiment and asked the angels to write something through me in a two minute free flow.  This is what came out. So I guess we will talk about angels.

 I, and many others,  use the term angels to describe those beings or entities or  vibrations or  energy forms or guides...whatever you wish to call them... that guide and support us even when we do not see them or  can experience them with our five senses or limited conceptual minds. Is that a little "woo-woo" for you?

You might meet some resistance when I speak of this...your ego mind or so called "science " mind may dismiss this as silly non sense. Many of us still do not beleive there is a reality beyond that which can be perceived by the five senses. That's okay....but I will ask you to take a deep breath and answer this question honestly: Do you sometimes feel something supporting you even when you cannot visualize it or make sense of it? 

I do...and growing up Catholic where communication through prayer with angels was a thing and where we were taught that we all have a "Gaurdian Angel" looking over us...it isn't that strange that I seek that guidance and often find it. I find comfort in the term "angel".  

At the same time, I know it is just a term.  I truly do not know what an "angel" is and I realize that others have different reference points and conceptualizations for this thing I call "angel". 

I guess one way of looking at it...regardless of belief system or cultural reference point... is by seeing it as a energy formation of Love that comes from a higher level of consciousness meant to guide us there. It really isn't some "thing" we can "understand" conceptually. An angel ( or whatever term you use) is someone or something that can be felt when you are ready to open up to that possibility. ...someone or something you can lean on for support and guidance...like a trusted loved one.

Hmmm! I don't know why I believe this but it feels good.

All is well in my world.

Taking a Little Pause

 We will be more successful in all our endeavors if we let go of the habit of running all the time, and take little pauses to relax and recenter ourselves. And we will also have a lot more joy in living.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Finding and maintaining our center is the best thing we can do for others and ourselves. I truly believe that. We all need to relax and settle into our bodies and moment a little more...especially when things seem chaotic.  Would you say? 

I am going to add a video I did up a few months ago for my yoga page students ...a little introduction to meditation ...far, far from an expert...just learning from them and offering what I learn. 

 I have done other videos since then and will add those at a later date. 

Hope it helps!

Please ...whether you use this or not...take a pause.  You have earned it.

All is well!

I haven't credited the beautiful music in the background appropriately because it was playing on spotify on my command "Yoga/meditation musuc".  I am not sure of the source...other that that.  That may get me in trouble. So grateful for it, regardless and my apologies to the creator of that music.

Chaos Buster

 Meditation is power.  Enter chaos from the point of internal stillness, and your stillness becomes a chaos buster.

Marianne Williamson

Not sure what to write about...I feel better than I did yesterday. That is good.  Head is still dizzy so I won't type long. Donèt worry...I have not worn my complaint bracelet for a while lol. 

Anyway, many of us are expereincing chaos right now and it is going to be in our lives until the end of March.  For some reason that comes to mind when I think of what has been happening in my own little life and what is happening with COVID and the Donald Trump situation. We need to keep finding our peaceful centers in the midst of chaos.  We will get through this. Meditaton is a wonderful, wonderful tool to help us in these trying times.

All is well in my world. 

Body Wisdom: A Prayer Answered

 "What can and  is the human part of me to do until I completely realize Self?  And what do I leave to the higher dimension where I simply am? Please show me. "

Hmmm! I am a little worn out from the stress of the last few days and the stress of the last few months.  Though, I am somewhat ashamed to admit this(ego is still hanging around), it has taken its toll on me physically as well as mentally and emotionally.  

The place where the "Gut instinct" resides, the so called "second-brain" of the body has spent the last 12 hours purging itself of accumulated toxins, most of which I believe were mental and emotional. Man was I sick and am now physically drained.  

It was so funny...I could almost feel and envision this "dark, heavy" negativity leaving my body with every trip to the bathroom.  I felt the pain of it coming and going like waves or contractions and I just rode the waves sensing that something was going to be cleansed of this or born of this.  It was the weirdest thing. I was so physically ill but grateful for it at the same time.

  Of course there could be a "rational" or "scientific" explanation for it but I have no desire to seek one.  I just know after each trip...I felt lighter.  ( Of course I am dizzy, brady, dehydrated  and my electrolytes are probs completely out of wack...which could explain the way I feel lol.) Still...something happened to the stress I had been storing in my gut.  The desperate need my body was experiencing to get me to hear  the deeper  wisdom it was trying to relay to me over the last three months...what I just couldn't seem to "get" ...left me. I feel cleansed.

It all started when I awoke in the middle of the night and I was thinking about all the suffering around me...I ws so acutely aware of the suffering of others and my own...and how powerless I felt, not sure of what "I" in this clump of flesh was supposed to do about it.  So I prayed and I asked the above question...(I wrote a few months back about my take on the serenity prayer...and this line comes from my intrepretation of the last line. " ...and the wisdom to know the difference." ).  

I wanted that wisdom.... to be able to get past the "story" I have been telling myself and others about this expereince, get past ego...to reclaim my center in the midst of this upset so I could see, think and act clearly. As soon as the words were uttered,  the pain started and I knew it was going to be a sleepless night. For the first three trips...I was still stuck in mind...by the fith or sixth trip... I could feel the release...and by the 11th...the veil between me and Self was gone. I was a new person. I hadn't the energy to think or do...just to be. I found my center

Someone just called from down there where he was before being admitted to the hospital.  And she was kind and supportive in her inquiry of how he was doing. She let me ramble...one last time :) and with that went the rest of my  resistance, my distrust for the system, my fear of an unfavorable outcome.  I gave it up to God. I felt releif.

And I am making this a me day, a "recovery" day.  I am not doing anything except write here and a load of dishes.  I am still in my PJ's.  This physically drained feeling was exactly what I needed to "still" me so I could get back to  the calm, peaceful center of home.

I will let the answer to the above question come, when it is ready, from there.

All is well. 

The False Refuge of Self-Righteousness

 The self-righteous scream judgments against others to hide the noise of skeletons dancing in their own closets.

-John Mark Green

Can you hear a lot of rattling of bones behind me? 

Self- righteous

Man!  I came off as  so self -righteous yesterday, didn't I? As if I was the one that saved the day.   Not! 

I did nothing but report what I was hearing to whom I thought were the people who should know and I kept trying to convince someone to take the appropriate steps.  His trust in his Dad was what saved him. In the long run...he did get the help he needed.  He did and that is what is important.

Crisis from the Ultimate Refuge

During the crisis, Self was doing the directing, not my ego, thank God. It was more of a, " This is what is happening and what do we do next? " With every obstacle we encountered...I allowed my higher Self to take the reins, to make the decisions, to do the talking.  There was absolutely no room for ego in those moments and therefore there was no resistance to the moment. I was operating from the refuge of intense awareness. 

The resistance came after the crisis was over and my entry yesterday may reflect that. 

It is so easy to point fingers, isn't it?  Self-righteousness, blaming and judging is just one of many ways we seek "false refuge", according to Tara Brach.  I was pointing a finger so I could escape from what I was feeling.   

I didn't like the way I was feeling yesterday.  

Confusion, Guilt and The Gut Feeling

I mean I was so relieved that this gut feeling I had over the last few months  was validated. There was indeed a valid reason for my unease around him...though I had no idea at the time that he was having these thoughts about me. Though I tried to explain the reason for this unease through what was obviously happening in my external environment...the feeling was so intense it wouldn't go away! I beat myself up for that...for being suspicious "without reason"  and yes fearful when there was no outright signs that I should be.  It was such an uncomfortable three months for me ...I over reacted about everything.  

I reported before how I was picking up this heavy and dark feeling or energy. I had no idea it was his. His paranoia about me prevented him from confiding in me or his Dad about his fears that I ( and others)was a threat to his life. He believed he was caught in a real dilemna...he needed to be near  his Dad to feel safe...but there I was wanting him dead, in his mind.  He was terrified, angry and resentful of me obviously and when I confronted him with  what seemed to be passive -aggressive behaviours he would politely apologize, explain and withdraw further. 

And that would confuse me even more, "What's wrong with me for feeling this way then?"  

Now I know that my gut was very, very active picking up something  very real that my mind didn't.  I like being "right" lol. But then as soon as I revel in the proof of my powerful gut instinct,  I immediately feel guilt because my sense of validation came with the realization of just how sick someone was. How could I revel in that?

Pointing a Finger at self  

So yesterday I was feeling this guilt, on top of this genuine  concern for him.  I was also feeling angry at myself for not picking up these signs of psychosis earlier.  "I know better.  I should have been able to pick those up so he didn't have to suffer for three months...so I wouldn't have done the "tough love" thing of sending him down there."  

Man...how did I think the delusions he had when he first came down after his last bad high in October...miracoulsously went away when the drug did?  When he said he felt better...I should have looked into a little farther.  I kept rationalizing: "Well, they sent him home an hour after he was admitted back then so they must have thought it was nothing of concern...and he was acutely paranoid then. He just had a severe, prolonged reaction to the last dose.  He is all better now."

  At the same time there was some  obvious paranoia but I chucked that up to being because of the excessive amount of marijauna he was doing as part of this "harm reduction". I did not see the psychosis.  I kept saying, "This isn't right!' but I couldn't put my finger on it.  Man...I missed it when it was right under my nose! 

And yes there was some mild PTSD there...that  was F*&^%#$% stressful! Trying to talk someone down in that state ...by text...not fun! Discovering that you , yourself were at risk for three months ...a bit scary too. His sick mind would have done what it had to to defend itself against me.  I know that now.  He had the resources to do harm and he truly believed I was a threat to his very life. Oh man!  How does a person miss that?

Forgetting and False Refuge

So not liking the way I felt when all this came to light...I sought refuge in my self righteousness, of pointng out a broken sysem.  It was simply a way of escaping my moment of intense feeling.  

So in a moment of intense feeling yesterday I forgot presence and my center...and I went tramping after ego again. I decided my moment was not something I wanted to be in so I escaped into external focus on what went wrong in that experience  and what is wrong with this system.  Don't get me wrong...I truly beleive the mental health system needs some serious improvements.  Focusing on what is broken, however, does not lead to better access.  Only focusing on solution does that. All the individuals we dealt with regarding this issue...regardless of how they may have come off...are doing what they are doing because they want to help.  Even if they slip away sometimes and forget what they are there for...that intrinsic goodness is still there. We are friends-may they be happy! Tapping into that is part of the solution. 

And seeking false refuge in ego ways does not lead to peace of mind. I did not feel  better for very long after I wrote that.  

Real Refuge...Remembering

I felt better when I was able to center myself again, slip into the moment...recognize what I was feeling and experiencing...allow it...investigate it farther and nurture myself regardless.  I needed to forgive myself ...not point fingers at others...for my feelings. After  I sat in stillness, focused inward and went through RAIN  I felt what I wanted to feel...peace. I remembered the healing beauty of presence.

It is all good.  Thanks Tara Brach. 

All is well in my world. 

Tar Brach ( January 8, 2021) The Three Refuges-Getway to Awakening.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7me06krhVNg

Intuition: Trusting that Gut Feeling

 Cease trying to work everything out with your minds.  It will get you nowhere.  Live by intuition and inspiration and let your whole life be Revelation.

Eileen Caddy ( from Erin Fall Haskell's Awakening)

I have always had a certain amount of intuition about people and things.  My Dad had it and I think he passed it on to me. I never called it intuiton though...I just thought that my over analytical and fearful mind was always trying to protect me from new potetional dangers. So when I entered an unfamiliar situation  or met someone for the first time I automatically and unconsciously would begin to scan for possible threats.  I unintentionally picked up a great deal of information and  put those pieces together very quickly into a picture that made sense to me about the person or place. That is how I explained my reaction to myself and others.  Others quickly agreed that my fear, oversensitivity and negativity was the cause of these feelings. 

Regardless of the explanation, my senses constantly worked overtime and as a result I would feel a certain "knowing" in my body.  My body would somehow tell me if the place was safe and if  the people I was with meant  harm to me or others...If I perecived  a safe  "yes" place...it would relax or get tingly in trust and appreciation for the presence around me. I would find myself smiling and open.  If there was some threat I couldn't yet see or understand I usually felt a tightening in my core, sick or nauseated, a trembling of my limbs, a discomfort and a physical stepping back. I would percieve a heaviness or darkness that I couldn't explain to anyone. I would feel irritable and "off". I instantly knew it "wasn't right"( even though I hate to use right or wrong terminolgy...I don't know how else to say..."It just didn't feel "right!")  What I knew for sure was that I wanted to get out of there or away from that person.  Even if the environment was nice and the people seemed friendly and kind, saying the right things, my gut almost  instantaneously would scream "No! This isn't right!"  

I would of course, doubt myself and question this feeling.  I agreed with the others who would tell me that I was being ridiculous and oversensitive, just anxious and negatively seeking the worse. I always felt so guilty for not trusting certain individuals or for "assuming" a level of unconsciousness in certain individuals without explicable reason. What was wrong with me for judging so without evidence, reacting so?  

So I learned to squish that "feeling" down, to chalk it up to some "defect" in me...a consequenc of  my much too dualistic mind making judgements that were unfair and unrealistic. I began to trust that these perceptions were "off" and stopped trusting myself.  I became confused about what was real and what wasn't. So I did not stay in many of those situations that felt "right" or with the people who I tingled or relaxed around.  I also spent way too much time over the years in situations that were counterproductive to my well being and growth and with people who in their unconscious states cared little about me or who even wanted me to suffer.  

My reactions and this "knowing" may have become somewhat delayed but the feelings , however, did not go away.  Infact they got stronger. 

I began over the last few years , ever so slightly, to listen to them again  depite my doubt. I started recording the gut feelings and experiences. ..I then began to spend physical and mental energy in trying to determine "why" I felt that way. I usually find solid evidence that I had a good reason to feel "off".  Very, very slowly I began to trust those feelings again.  I began to trust my inner wisdom. I don't necessarily act on that wisdom right away but I take the feeling that something does not feel right and I sit with it.  I am aware of it but I don't feel teh need necessarily to do something about it. I give it up to Life.  I may not trust a certain person or circumstance...but I do trust Life and I know that it will guide me to my highest good and the highest good of others.

All is well! 

Asking the Right Questions to Ensure the Right Action

 Each day, I will take time to go into silence and commune with Source. I will ask purposeful questions and hold space for the answers to be heard.  I will be a  listening vessel for the divine.  Then, as I go back into the world, I will ask if I am in alignment with that vision.  I will honor my vision.

Erin Fall Haskell

Hmmm! Do you have clear vision in your head  for where you want to go in Life; what you want to be? 

I still have a hard time with "The Secret"s  idea of "manifesting" but at the same time I truly believe that the first cause of everything we experience is mental. If we are not living the lives we love and feel fulfilled in...then we don't necessarily have to focus all our effort on attempting to change and control our external situation.  We just need to envision something better. 

And we have to realize, before we begin any visualization process,  that a better life is not ego's version of life but Spirit's. It isn't  the creation of   a pampered materialistic  life for ego that will bring true joy and fulfilment for us...but a Life of true purpose, a Life that is motivated by higher consciousness and desire to serve. It is, whether we know it or not at this point, only a Life aligned with Higher Awareness that will fulfill us.

How do we envision and therefore create such a thing?

We can begin by meditating.  We go into stillness, the moment, the body and from there we observe and listen as the awareness. 

Then we ask the following open-ended questions:

• What does Spirit/ God want me to do here  with this life I have been given?
• What unique gift do I in this form, this incarnation, have to share with the world?
• What is it that is coming through me that I am meant to share?
• What is my unique purpose here?
• What is my individual divine expression in this lifetime?
• Who do I need to become to express and give that?
• What gifts, talents, and capacities do I already have that I can use toward my vision?
• How can I serve my vision right now?
• What habits, things can I let go of now that no longer serve my vision?
• What thoughts, perceptions, and circumstances do I need to become more conscious of?
• What still needs to be learned?
• What skills need to be developed or capacities need to be enhanced?
• What people  do I need to surround myself with?

Imagine your self living your vision.  Try to fully experience it:

• What does it feel like?
• What am I doing on a day to day basis?
• Who am I spending time with?
• Where am I living? 
• How am I spending mornings and evenings
• What sounds do I hear, sights do I see, tastes do I taste, textures do I touch or aromas do I smell?

Finally: Be thankful and take 'right' action:

• What am I thankful for that I have in my life right now?
• How will I experience gratitude when my vision is fulfilled so I can feel it now?
• What steps can I take today or in the next thiroty minutes that will help me manifest my vision?

It is reccommended that we do not share this vision with anyone who does not believe that we will attain it.  

We take this sacred contract we make with our Higher Self and we wrap it in positivity, acceptance, and faith.

Hmmm!  I am going to commit to envisioning the Life I am here to live  once again.  What about you? 

All is well.

Erin Fall Haskell (2017) Awakening [Day 37]. Kindle Edition 

The Space Between

 Between stimulus and response there is space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. 

Victor Frankl

Reacting?

Hmm! I am still pondering over my reactivity to the the circumstances of "harm reduction' I was living in over the last few months. I was feeling such a tremendous relief yesterday, like a weight was removed from my shoulders. My environment had changed; the circumstances for another have suddenly become positive...signifying a moving forward, there was hope for recovery for all ( addiction is a family disease) and there was suddenly less physical, mental and emotional mess and chaos in my life. 

Now I am still reacting, aren't I? I am reacting to a change in my external circumstance for the better.  The bell rang(the stimuli)  and I drooled (the conditioned response)  because  I  anticipate the reward ( as it repetively happened in the past , I will get fed by something I like or want.) 

Between the Bell and the Drooling

If, in the past,  every time the bell rang I got zapped by that which was judged as "unpleasant" I would retract, contract, activate that good old fight and flight or freeze response wouldn't I?  So it isn't the bell that is offering reward or punsihment and my sense of "suffering" , is it?  The bell is neutral.  Life, in all she offers us, is neutral...no "right" or "wrong", no "good or bad", no pleasant or unplesant"...it just is what it is. 

All stimuli is neutral...yet we have all been conditioned, due to past expereince and conditioning, to react a certain way. It seems the response immediately follows the stimuli...but it doesn't.

The Pause

There is precious  space between what the five senses pick up and how we respond to it.  It is in that space that we make our intrpretations, our judgments, our "choice" to perceive something, judge it as good or bad etc. Whether that stimuli is a life circumstance, a confrontation with another person or something we are experiencing inside our minds or bodies...there is a pause after it.  

We need to reclaim that pause, rest in it, become aware of its power and ability to determine the response which in turn will determine how we live and what kind of people we are. 

One of the stimuli I have been reacting strongly to over the last few months was the sudden change of my living environment to one of "harm reduction" and "regression" or "stuckness" for all...a sense of chaos and mess in the physical, mental and emotional environment as a result. I did not pause or stay in the space long enough to do as Tara Brach suggests we should do, recognize and allow.  Like a knee jerk reflex I went right into reactivity. I had made judgments I wasn't even aware I was making, like "This is bad!  This should not be so! They are wrong!  I don't want this!"  It left me retracting...contracting at the core, retreating into my defenses, seeing myself as seperate and vulnerable...needing to defend and attack for what was "mine" and it left me regressing to an earlier stage of my evolution.  It was literally making me sick until... that is...I took the time to go back into that space: to recognize, allow, investigate how I was truly feeling , and then nurture myself rather than beat myself up for my reaction. (Tara Brach's R.A.I.N.)

So now as I notice other little things related to these circumstances...instead of reacting right away, I find myself settling into the pause.  I take a deep breath and I wait for spacious presence to assist me in gaining some clarity. I recognize what I am feeling and expereincing...I name it and allow it...even if it seems to be the farthest thing from zen it could be. Then I really try to get to know  what I am feeling or unwilling to feel in my body and mind. Finally, I will try to nurture myself through the process, aware that I am inflicted with a disease many of us have" deep doubt about our intrinsic goodness".  When I have done all this I try to see how I feel, I sense the presence, that spaciousness and how it fills me with compassion for all. I respond from there. 

Hmmm! The last three months have offeed me tremendous learning.  I am so, so grateful for that.

All is well. 

Tar Brach (Dec 30, 2020) Healing with the RAIN of Compassion.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-HAbov-Ym8

Balance

 A  non-judging orientation certainly does not mean that you cease knowing how to act or behave responsibly in society, or that anything anybody does is okay.  It simply means that we can act with greater clarity in our own lives, and be more balanced, more effective, and more ethical in our activities, if we know that we are emerged in a a stream of unconscious liking and disliking which screens us from the world and from the basic purity of knowing our own being.

Jon Kabat-Zinn 

Perceiving and Reacting

I am feeling so relieved, so hopeful...such a change from what I was feeling weeks ago.  Why?  I am reacting or responding to a life situation...which means that I not necessarily neutral or staying in the nonreactive center. Still...I am okay with it for now.

Someone I care about has taken another big, bold beautiful step forward into recovery....into his healing. He started rehab today.  

I realized that I have been reacting nonstop to having him here over the last three months because there was no stepping forward.  He was stuck here in some comfortable zone of harm reduction and substitution. And though he had not been using the "big stuff" he was still constantly numbing and far, far from clear minded. That left a big chaotic shadow in my environment and in my mind.  

Everywhere  around me, then,  there was obvious chaos and mess.  I was surrounded by  "stuff"  I didn't want here.  I tried to avoid judgment and attachment  and I kept reciting to myself, "Harm reduction...harm reduction.  Don't judge"  but I found myself constantly reacting to this situation. I couldn't seem to stay neutral in my center.  I was really, really "off".  I perceived that I was being selfish, failing in my my mission to awaken...so I felt great guilt and shame on top of the resentment and blame I was feeling.  

It wasn't until I said good bye today that I realized my motivation to change my environment, to get him into rehab was far from selfish ( don't get me wrong there was definitely  some selfishness there) ...I wanted to see him moving forward...I want what surrounds me to be a space for moving forward...not just for me but for everyone.  What I was truly reacting to  over the last three months...was a perception of "stuckness"and my own "regression and retraction." I did not like it!   I love seeing people move forward into Life.  I love feeling that my environment, my presence  somehow assists with that .  I feel absolutely awful when I feel I or my environment enables myself or others to regress or not go forward! Hmmm! 

So the relief and peace I felt today as I sent him off was so wonderful.  I know I am not completely in my center...staying neutral.  When I react in this way to the situation even if I perceive it as positive I am swinging away from center.  The fact that I see it or anything outside of me as positive, "good", "bad" , "right", "wrong", "something to like", "something to dislike"  means that I am moving away from center.  With the perception, thought or judgment  will come the emotional response/reaction taking me away from the peaceful center. Hmmm!

Find Your Center!

I was reminded three times yesterday by several  different individuals about the need to "find my center". 

I listened to Eckhart Tolle say that, Trevor Hall and then  Lee Harris express that the most important thing for us to do in 2021 is to hold that center. Then later I listened to Jack Kornfield remind us to do the same thing and there was a few sentences  in Jon Kabat-Zinn's book, Wherever you Go there You Are, that I quoted above.

I am going to work very hard at finding my center and doing my best to stay in it.  I hope, simply by doing so, that others will be able to do the same.

All is well!

A Musical Reminder

 When you lost your way, colours start to fade. Take a look within, find your offering. Hold it to the sun. Let your spirit run. Remember. Remember... find your center.  My love is just a reminder.... find your center. 

-Trevor Hall

Excuse the white blocks...I cut and paste some. My bad. 

I was meditating today about what I am wanting in my life and the healing changes  I want to take part in 2021 (not quite sure what they are yet) to a guided meditation on spotify ( mind's still a little monkeyish...so I felt I needed some help) and these two beautiful songs came on that touched every part of me.  Again...I can't help but think that it was synchronicity and serendipity at work.  :0  

Both by Trevor Hall:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwHVS7Q5cOI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puBXtKPQc38

All is well

 Happy New Year to All!

Here is hoping that all of you have a blessed and peaceful 2021.

And that you are able to make peace with all that went down in 2020, 

so you can let it go in order to move forward.

Best wishes!