Side Note

If you learn something new everyday, you can teach something new everyday.
Martha Stewart

In my writing and speaking,  sometimes I fear that I am coming off as an expert who can steer people in the right direction; like someone who is so advanced on this journey she has gained the ultimate wisdom...some guru, mystic, mentor like figure etc etc.  Truth is, I am none of those things...far, far from it. 

I am like most people early in the waking up process,  just tramping along this path with my knapsack full of heavy ego things like everyone else. I have yet to let go of so much and  I have so, so much to learn ...so many more miles to go. I am just beginning.

I am not a well spring of peace, health and happiness at this point, either.  In fact there are times I find myself saddened by something I cannot even explain as I travel along. I want to stop and go back to the familiar so often. 

I get confused about what is real and what isn't as I look at the world around me with such different eyes.  I fear what might be around the corner still and worry that I have chosen the wrong path. I fear that my so called "waking-up" is actually just  me cracking up.(others might agree with that one.)

I still feel my body complaints, sometimes fervently, even though I may be able to get beyond them like I never could before.  I am not full of physical energy...I am often tired and drained.  Ego has not left the building...it is still very much in my life. 

So man...I am not enlightened!  I am just on my way there.

Yes...I am on my way home.  Despite all the obstacles, doubts and ego reprimands I am on my way home. I just know it in some corner of my mind. 

When I sit in stillness and quiet, I know it, I feel it; or when I am walking in the woods on a beautiful evening while the light is casting golden shadows over everything...I know it, I feel it. 

When I am drifting over a still river as the moonlight drops puddles of silver light across the water in front of my kayak...I know it, I feel it. 

When I read the scriptures from so many different religions; or when I attempt to understand the wisdom of  the philosophers, writers, scientists  with their messages from so many centuries and eras of time, I know it, I feel it...

When I look at the people and beings  around me with these "new eyes ( btw that an optometrist would prescribe heavy duty lens for lol) I know it and I feel it.

And when I am writing...just writing off the top of my head...I know it and I feel it.

There is something so different in the quality of my living these days.  I am much more peaceful and serene...much more aware of what is going on around me.  Despite my failing physical eyes I see so much more clearly. 

There is less resentment, anger, need to be right. I forgive easily; I love bigger.  I know, for the first time in my life...I mean I really know... it isn't all about me. Who I am is so much more than this little self I have over identified with for too many years. 

So I know I am heading home.  I am just at the crossroads I guess. All this confusion, periods of grief and fear, I assume are normal as I leave the world I thought was real for the one I am remembering.  Ego still has the power to pull me back but I do believe Spirit's calling is so strong I won't go all the way back even if  I falter a few steps here and there. 

I am no expert...but in my learning I have a compulsion to do what I encourage my students to do...teach what is learned...it is the best way to truly understand something and it helps everyone.  So I am simply teaching what I am learning here.  I hope that is clear.

All is well in my world!