Drop the negativity that your mind has created about the situation and that serves no purpose whatsoever except to strengthen the false sense of self.
Eckhart Tolle
Ego Clings!
I was very sad yesterday! And I was embarrassed, ashamed and angry at myself for being sad.
I could observe myself sitting at a staff meeting suddenly feeling all discombobulated, confused, surprised and yes...ashamed of the feelings that were suddenly overwhelming my experience. I told myself, from this wise place I was somehow stepping away from, that it was all just another ego inflammation and it will pass.
Ego Stings!
But it was so hard not to feel the sting of it...to disconnect from the sad tale of woe ego was whispering in my ear ( not literally lol) making me the main character, someone to pity, someone who has a right to be resentful.... someone I don't want to be!
Memory after memory, thought after thought popped into my head reminding me of my fall from a position of being respected, valued, a controlling and meaningful force in this ego dominated world to what was perceived as nothing but a second thought in people's minds.
I looked around the table at all the smiling and kind faces and realized they have no idea how much I lost or what I am going through and they do not want to know because they really, really do not "have time" to care. Nor should they be filling their head with my perceived problems (which actually just became "problems" as I sat there allowing ego to spin its little web). Why was I focusing on their reaction to my story?
My story, "other" story just gets in the way of what we have to do, does it not? It will get in the way of their ego needs. This is the way of the work place life. This is the way of our busy world. This is the way of an ego dominated society. People do not have "time" to think too much about each other. It was a very sad realization and it floored me. Ego wanted me to feel sad!
I succumbed. I felt good and sorry for myself lol.
Ego Remembers its Losses!
I had the sense to know that this sudden trip down self-pity lane was totally irrational and unhealthy. I couldn't understand why I was there...right where I left off in June...but there I was.
I asked myself while I sat there: Why am I so sad? Why am I thinking of all these experiences? Just to explain why I was feeling what I am feeling? Why am I so hurt just because people do not "seem" to care about me the way I expected them to care? I don't want them focusing on my problems because I don't want to focus on them...so why am I feeling so dejected? I am further advanced than this aren't I? Should I not be beyond all this ego stuff in the waking up process?
I was so confused and could only understand that I was thinking and feeling loss.
What I perceived I lost in the work place environment : my physical ability to do my job, my job in terms of the courses I loved to teach and felt I shined at, my puffed up ego status, my reputation, recognition, other trust in my integrity (that was a big one for me), consideration from others in my time of need, three quarters of my salary, my financial stability, my license and title as a nurse because of my lack of hours...were really nothing...no thing....They do not make me. They do not define me. They are not me! I know that in the core of me.
Ego Grieves!
So why then do I grieve it all so when I walk through those doors? Why does my ego get so inflamed when I am surrounded by my team...people who are all kind and good...who are not even aware of my experience? Because they aren't aware of my experience?
I grieve the loss of that feeling of being valued, cared for, "seen". I miss knowing that I fit in. (or believing I did :)) Without my ego identification, I don't know my value and my worth to others anymore. Even though it was only ego value before...I miss not having it.
Others seem okay with that because they do not want to have to bump into anything "heavy" as they busy through their work hours, anyway. I am a reminder of life's heaviness. It is best to keep it all hidden away. That is the way of our world. I understand that
Oh my...how does that sound for a whingey tale of drama lol?
No one is doing anything wrong. It just is what it is. I just had expectations of my false self that were not realistic. That's all.
I had expectations of my ability to keep up in ego's world when I wasn't meant to. That's all.
I just had expectations of other people and my work relations that were not realistic :) . That's all.
I had expectations of my work environment that were not realistic. That's all.
And life had some lessons for me. It wanted to show me how I was putting my mental and physical energy on the unrealistic rather than the real. That's all.
My life is no one's 'problem' but my own. My feelings are no one's responsibility but my own. :) And they are only "problems' if I choose to make them so.
Ego Questions!
As I sat there I wondered about staying. I questioned if this ego inflammation was good for my health? I still do. Is it worth pushing myself beyond my presently perceived limitations in an environment that reminds me of loss? That triggers my ego slips so dramatically?
Ultimately, Ego is no Match For Spirit!
I was going to get up from that table yesterday but something stopped me. I heard a little voice in my head saying.."What a wonderful learning opportunity for you to do what you need to do...get beyond the ego, get control of your thoughts and feelings, find peace and compassion in a situation that does not seem peaceful externally. If you master this lesson, you got it made!"
"Besides...how are you going to pay your damn mortgage if you don't?" lol
Moral of this big long boring story:
Spiritually: Waking up is not always an instantaneous leap from ego to joy. The ego is tenacious...it clings. It will get inflamed from time to time. We will slip into our thinking as I did yesterday. We can feed each slip with more negativity or we can get beyond it.
I want to get beyond it. The fact that we can be aware of ego when it is acting up is an amazing thing. It shows me that I am waking up...I just have a way to go yet. :)
Psychologically speaking: We also need to grieve our losses...all of them...even the "unreal" ego ones. Supressing and repressing them will only lead to them popping up out of the blue every now and again. Grieve them and be done with them.
Though I haven't a clue how, I have to grieve my perceived losses and unreal expectations so I can release them.
I know where I want to go. I know who I want to be. It isn't that narcissistic, negative, dramatic , self pitying false self I was yesterday. My ego, my life circumstances, and my environment do not define me. I do.
It is all good.
All is well in my world.
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