Rustling Leaves and Letting Go

 

Rustling Leaves

Rustling,

like Oak leaves,

persistently clinging

to a season that has past,

thoughts blow and rattle about

in my mind.

Scratching a variety of

distracting sounds

into the bark that hides my soul,

the browning instruments of psyche

play a convincing song 

of Dukkha

that draws me in.

Ever changing their direction,

blowing this way and that way,

soothing me one moment,

annoying me the next,

they hold my attention in the crinkling folds

of their melody.

 

What thirsty, thirsty leaves

dying has made them.

Desperately they suck  the sap from

my near frozen roots

up to the surface where I,

breathless from anticipation,

wait for the snow to

lay over the broken mess

they have created,

hiding my inner death

from the world.

.

The sky is bleak and grey

in this silver November light,

the earth around me decaying openly.

There is no snow.

I long for the snow that will cover 

all this ugly dying.

 

No sooner do I pray for the

white blanket to hide under

that I feel the icy chill

as the fluid of Life once again

plummets to the darkness below.

Up and down I am pulled and drained,

I laugh and weep,

I hope and seek relief.

Yet,

numb from the late 

Autumn rain and wind

I perceive around me,

I cling, I still cling,

to these dry brittle leaves 

of my identity.

I plant down into the earth.

Steadfast I stand

against the ferocious, 

unpredictable weather 

and hold with all my might,

to this which is familiar.

But over the noise that is created,

by my resistance,

a sweet and gentle Voice, 

barely heard,

whistles through my weary branches:

"Let go!  Just Let go!

This that you hold onto means nothing."

It is only when I uncurl my mental fingers,

only when I relax the grip

I have on these lifeless leaves

will I do as Nature urges…

.

It is only when I give up  

that which is in the way,

and in silence and stillness

watch as they scatter off

in a wind-swept ballet of perfection,

will I breathe the way nature truly intends;

will I sigh and sink back into 

the steadiness of my trunk

to feel the peace of Life's

seasonal soothing mantra

filling me to the core.

Only when I stop clinging

and let go,

will I know

what it is to be alive,

and only then will I finally be

free 

of death’s rustling hold.

Dale-Lyn, July 2018 (Reworked)

Redirecting the Energy

Energy is useful only if you direct it in the ways you want. That is when a human being transforms into a spiritual possibility. 

Sadhguru

 I just listened to Michael A. Singer's podcast from yesterday on Energy and synchronistically opened up to the chapter I am at in Sadhguru's book, Karma, to discover that too was about energy.  I would like to just connect the similar points in each teaching. 

It is all about transforming the energy. 

Yoga, according to both teachers, is  based on the premise that all form is energy and vibration that emerges from a state of no-thing. Even though the form may change it is still energy. 

• But do not forget the source from which it had sprung. The source may be no-thing, but implicit in it is great possibility: the possibility to become everything....page 176
• Singer, also points out, that beneath all form is energy or vibrations and that yoga always taught that and now science is also doing the same with the discoveries it is making studying the sub-sub-atomic particles: quarks, bosons and leptons.

The practice of yoga helps to transform this energy from a lower state to a higher state.We can work on the energy body, raise our energy levels through yoga.  Kriya yoga is mentioned by both as a direct way to work with the energies in the body. Sadhguru warns that though Kriya is not structured to harm us, we must work on all aspects of the being ...mental, emotional, social  and physical ...at the same time we raise the energy levels. (That is why most Kriya is for those initiated in the process)

Both agree that all aspects of yoga (the eight limbs) are important in merging the fire of purification with the light of illumination. Prana through pranayama is the part of yoga that helps to merge fire with light.  If we want to change the direction our lives are going in, we should attempt to purify first, to practice dealing with life and our karma...what Sadhguru describes as a recycling of old energy we had stuffed inside in the form of vasanas and what Singer refers to as samskaras...that which drives us forward throughout life. (This could encompass loosely the first three limbs) The practice of the fifth limb of yoga: Pratyahara ( inner reflection); the sixth limb: dharana(single pointed concentration); and the 7th limb Dhyana (a state of merging into meditation)....can help prepare us for Samadhi the goal of our practice...dissolving into nothingness.back into life itself.

• with a constant practice, the aspiration is to unburn the pot, to dissolve it into pure clay. You are melting teh frozen complex of habits and predispositions into pure energy. Sadhguru, 178
• Only when your energies become this fluid can you sit and meditate...This is becasue you have now become pure life: you are no longer a bundle of thoughts and impressions. You are in a state of receptivity and grace....Sadhguru, page 178
• Transformation means you lose your original form and are completely willing to take on new forms. You become an unburnt pot....page 179

Singer says (paraphrased):

• You are a great being of energy...you are the highest vibration there is but you are staring at lower energy
• If your consciousness stopped looking at physical form and mental and emotional form...you would realize Self...go back to consciousness itself 

Al lis well.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe (November 9, 2023) Energy-The Dance Between Consciousness and Form.https://tou.org/talks/

Sadhguru (2021) Karma: A Yogi's Guide to Crafting Your Destiny. New York: Harmony Books

Teaching: The Functional Thing I Do

 And what a spiritual teacher does is point out the possibility of awakening out of identification with unconscious patterns which means the spiritual teacher teaches you to go beyond karma. And that is your function and will become increasingly  you will find, in your life whether you become a formal teacher or an informal teacher...{[It is] merely a functional thing...[because]any form identity is an illusion.}

Eckhart Tolle

Can you call yourself a 'Teacher'?

Hmm! I seldom call myself a teacher.  Mostly for more practical reasons than spiritual.  I worked as an educator in the adult learning environment, in some form or another, from 2000 until I retired early in 2019 for health reasons.  I never called myself a teacher then, though others referred to me as such. The term "Teacher" here, where I come from, is reserved to those certified in K-12 education.  My certification is in Adult Education so that title of 'Teacher' does not refer to me nor do I need it to.  I would refer to myself as instructor, or educator when I taught.  I loved it when book reps would refer to me as "professor", assuming that was my title because I worked in the college setting. (stroked my ego a bit lol)   Colleges in my part of the world also differ from universities so I was never a professor either.  I taught yes...it is what I did...but I could not and did not call myself a teacher.

To me, 'Teacher' is just a word, just a title, just a form of identity, just an illusion. I never was a teacher, just someone who taught.

What about now? Are you a spiritual teacher?

No, I am still very reluctant to use the word teacher.  I am pointing out the possibility of awakening and going beyond karma...yes...but I feel I am doing it more as a student than as a teacher. I am a lifelong student of Life :) That is how I would identify myself if I had to. I am just learning and sharing what I am learning.

Why are you sharing?

Hmm! That is a good question.  I still don't know for sure other than I feel absolutely compelled to.  My ego, that used to identify as  Educator in the formal setting, doesn't like it lol? It keeps saying things like, "Oh my goodness what if a former colleague or student reads this or sees you on a video talking about 'this stuff" ...what will they think?  You used to teach science based courses! This is so embarrassing for us." and "Besides... how demoralizing it is to see such few readers and listeners. The big spiritual bloggers and vloggers are getting thousands and even millions of followers and you are getting what?  In the last 24 hours: 5?  Aren't you embarrassed about that?  I am. You are putting us out there in our undies...and  for what?  To be the most unread blog in the spiritual community ...the laughing stock? Where is your dignity?" 

Oh ego...lol...such a pain. I can only shrug my shoulders when I hear that chatter going on in my head and say, "I gotta do it anyway.  What is thought of "me" is insignificant.  This message is everything. I just gotta do it even though there is so little readership....just in case one person gets something from it.  And we were told that there were people out there getting something from it, right? Even if it was only a few. Isn't that enough for you? ( And the less readership, the less embarrassed you have to feel, right?)  I have selfish motives, anyway.  I am learning the more I do this. We are learners, you know that.  We didn't gain all those university credits because we wanted to waste our money, did we? I mean you had different motives than I had ( you wanted to become some title, gain some social approval from it; I just loved the learning)  but still, it all worked out the way it was meant to leading us right here where we are.  It has led us to experience educating and that has led me here. Sorry Bud, for embarrassing you.  But really what is a bit of embarrassment?  You are not going to be around much longer and when you leave so does the embarrassment, and the fear and worry over what people think.  So will the "me'. It will just be the sharing of what is being learned driving this vessel around then. So just be patient with  this functional thing I am doing without your approval. We don't have to call it teaching.  It is simply learning for me. It is all good.  Besides I couldn't stop doing it if I wanted to right now.  The pull is too great."

What is an ego going to say to that lol?   

All good.  All is well in my functional world. 

Eckhart Tolle ( Jan, 2023) You Can Go Beyond Karma. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgSPEkD16ss

Eckhart Tolle( May, 2023) What is KarmaYoga? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3YRKMB-TIg

What I learned from Eckhart Tolle about Karma

 

It is our destiny to go beyond karma by being the receptacle for presence....

Eckhart Tolle 

I appreciate Eckhart Tolle's take on karma and karmic accumulation.  It seems to blend in with the understanding I have been gaining about it.  Karma, according to him, is the unconscious conditioning that runs your life. ...Karmic meaning unconscious patterns that you usually identify with and that take you over completely.

What is unconscious conditioning and where does it come from?

Environment

Well, we are obviously conditioned by our environments and how we grew up, right? We are conditioned to perceive, believe, receive and deceive by our parents who were conditioned by the way they grew up, by the communities we are born into with their histories, traditions, cultures and by geography ( what part of the globe we ended up on) .  We are conditioned by our social systems, our religions, and our educational institutions. We are conditioned by the people around us: what they say to us, what they do to us etc. We are conditioned by the external events we encounter along the way in this lifetime.

What about this notion that karma is also carried over from our ancestors or our own previous lives? 

Ancestors

Hmm! We are probably aware to some extent at least of the genetic loads we carry from our ancestors.  I. for example, come from a long line of Celts...I therefore carry the genetic transcription on my DNA that makes my eyes blue. I have inherited my grandfather's and my father's heart condition, the Dupuytren's gene that many of my ancestors have had.  I also inherited certain traits stereotypically known to be a part of my Celtic ancestry.  I carry a foot tapping love for certain music in me, a sense of humour, a tendency to procrastinate, the love of words (there is a long line of writers in that ancestry) and a bit of a temper ( which I have learned to diminish greatly with my practice lol). Why wouldn't I then carry some of their memories?  Like the fear of going hungry, a fear of being marginalized and persecuted...and a certain resentment towards authority. I will likely carry all the "wrong-doings" of my ancestors which in their traditions would have been called "sins", as well.  What have my ancestors done in Ireland or here based on their fear reactions?  What part did my ancestors have to play in the persecution of others like our First nations people when they settled here? That is all in me...among a million other things I inherited. We do inherit a lot of conditioning/karma from our ancestors whether we like to believe we do or not!

Past Lives?

Whether you believe in reincarnation or not, Tolle reminds us that reincarnation is simply about being incarnated again and again back into the world of form. Sure that can mean from one physical body to the next but we are also constantly reincarnating into the world of form when we slip back into this conscious identification with unconsciousness so many times a day in this lifetime...when we slip out of the presence we are and back  into the "me" of the form world as we tend to do so often. I also believe I was born into the life situation I was born into for a reason...something before this lifetime set the conditions for my experience here. So regardless of the truth of reincarnation, some of  the conditioning in this being that I am , I believe, was set before I even took my first breath. 

What we do with the Conditioning and Reactivity = Karma

So, there is so much conditioning inside us. Throughout this mental and emotional conditioning, we collect and store things in a "This is great! I want more of this!" pile and the " That was terrible!  I never want to experience that again!" pile. Because of the what, who,  where, when, why, and how of this life time (and others) we are conditioned to think a certain way, to believe certain things, to view the world and ourselves a certain way and therefore to act and react a certain way.  We have habit tendencies and patterns. We become that person that likes this or likes that; that feels this way or that way; that is prone to this or that tendency or that acts in a certain way. Our conditioning becomes who we think we are. That makes sense right? If I have somehow determined through my conditioning that people could not be trusted, I will perceive untrustworthiness in others, I may habitually withdraw from contact with others, I may live in fear and act out in fear (developing a pattern of attacking others before they attack me).  This may lead to life events where I am alone and isolated a lot...lonely...and I may become ill mentally or physically because of all this anger and fear I am unconsciously holding onto. This is my karma playing out.

Inside, not Outside

The thing to know though is that karma is not coming from outside...it is inside. It is not the external events that are karmic in nature, it is how we react to these karmic events that lead to the lives we are living. The responsibility for it is not "out there" either.  It is in me.  That also means the only way I will understand it enough to free myself  of it...is if I take responsibility for it and go inward to look deeply into my habit tendencies, patterns, stored stuff ( which are my samskaras). I have to bring this conditioning from unconsciousness into consciousness so it can be experienced and released.  

Presence

This must be done in presence Tolle reminds us.  Release of karma is equivalent to the release of identification with "little me" and our dramas.  It comes with accepting what is as it is in this moment without the habitual tendency driving us into the future or back into the past. We need to be accepting and embracing the here and now so we do not react and slip back into old habit tendencies when these samskaras remerge. We need to be conscious.  Awareness is everything and awareness can only be present. 

The only thing that can free you is the arising of presence.

All is well.

Eckhart Tolle( May, 2023) What is Karma Yoga? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3YRKMB-TIg

Eckhart Tolle ( Jan, 2023) You Can Go Beyond Karma. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgSPEkD16ss

Eckhart Tolle ( 2022) Inviting Presence and Inviting Good Karma. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHXiiJpSvZ4

Observing the Drama Below

 Everything below you is holding you down including you.

Michael A. Singer

First Step: Becoming Aware of Being Aware of Being Aware

According to Michael A. Singer our spiritual evolution takes place in stages or steps.  The first step is becoming aware that we are aware of being aware. That entails observing our outer world events and how we are reacting to it with  thoughts, emotions, energies and behaviours. As long as we are aware of what the body is sensing and experiencing, (or that the body is sensing and experiencing); as long as we are aware of what we are thinking, (or that we are thinking); as long as we are aware what we are feeling, (or that we are feeling); as long as we are aware of how we are acting/ or reacting to the events unfolding in front of us,(or that we are reacting);  and as long as we are aware that we are in lower energy states or higher energy states, (or that we have energy states)...we have transcended.  We have detached  from these objects of consciousness that we were once all caught up in enough to observe them. That is a crucial step.  In that instant of awareness we have stopped being pulled around by them; we are no longer lost in them; and we no longer identify as them. We have fallen back/ risen up and away, even if it is only for a second, into the Seat of consciousness. 

From Character  to Observer

Instead of an actor lost in the character they were playing, we become the Observer of the drama.  What is going on inside the actor is a big part of the observation but it is not who we are. We are the Observing Awareness.

This is challenging enough, for most of us, to get. So lost are we in these parts we are playing we often forget that it is just a part, just a role. We forget that what we are wearing as a physical body is just an ever changing costume that is easily shed; that what is happening to the character on stage is just a part of the script the actor has no business in creating; and that what the actor is experiencing is just a temporary part of this scene that will soon pass.  The actor is just our psyche, full of thoughts, emotions, reactions, actions, energies, and not who we are. 

The Box Seat

Becoming aware means pulling back away from that which we have become so attached to. It means getting off the stage and going back to some box seat up above so we can look down at it all clearly.  Most of us are so convinced we are the main characters in these dramas and are so tangled up in it all we are not even aware that there is an awareness watching. That we are that awareness.  So, disentangling ourselves and making our way back to those box seats is not always easy. 

Sometimes we make it back there but only stay for a second before being pulled back on stage again. (The drama is so convincing and compelling). But even if we just have a second of "Oh...I am not up there.  I am back here watching. I see what is happening.  My body is feeling this; my mind is thinking that; my heart is feeling this; my energies are here; this is what this actor called "little me" is doing because of all that; and then that is what is happening up on stage because the character reacted in that way...wow!" Just a second of that awareness...and we have transcended.  We have become aware of being aware that we are aware.  That is a crucial step.

The Second Step: Maintaining the Seat of Awareness

With steady commitment and practice, seconds of awareness will soon lead to moments of awareness, followed by hours of awareness and days etc.  The second stage goal is to be able to maintain this Seat of awareness. This is the stage I am working in now...

I am aware of how all that stuff below that I have spent my life lost in is holding me down. I don't want to be held down by it any longer.

I am able to stay aware for longer and longer periods even through some scenes and acts with very challenging plots but I still slip so often as well.  I still find myself pulled by the actor to the stage and I still get lost in that compelling nature of  external and internal drama again, thinking and believing  it is all so problematic and real.  I still get lost in character from time to time and forget that I am actually the Observer up in the box seat watching. 

Then, suddenly I will remember again.  I will drop the swords or the other props I am holding and drag myself off the stage, up the stairs, and back to the box seat to observe again. It is a process.  It really is. I am probably spending more time back here than I ever did but I am still very much attached to what is going on down there on the stage. It is easy to get pulled into it.  I am aware, however, how easy it is to get pulled into it.  I am catching myself lost in the drama more and more. 

The beginning and end of yoga is awareness

To increase the time spent in the Seat of Consciousness, I keep renewing my commitment to yoga, and  making  my sadhana the most important part of my day.  I read, I listen, I  study, I share (so I process the learning and possibly help others along the way), I meditate, I do many mindfulness practices throughout the day, I practice Hatha and Kriya yoga, I try to serve ( Karma yoga) and I do my best to embrace this moment, here and now, and everything that is in it, exactly as it is. I constantly detach from the drama and do my best to observe it while I maintain a Seat up and away from it. 

It is a process, but I am learning. This learning is the most important thing in my life right now. 

What about you? How committed are you to becoming aware and maintaining the Seat of Consciousness?

All is well

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( November 6, 2023) The Seat of Consciousness. https://tou.org/talks/

One Single Candle

 All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of one single candle.

St Francis  of Assisi

Sometimes it feels like darkness in the form of "negativity"  is taking over, doesn't it?  So much suffering inside and outside of us.  It feels we cannot escape it.  It "appears" that we are being swallowed whole by this darkness. What is this darkness? 

Darkness is nothing, absolutely nothing more than the absence of light. Negativity, fear, depression, suffering is nothing more than absence of light in the form of Love.  We just need to light one tiny candle for the darkness to go away....one genuine positive thought, one compassionate well wish for self or another, one act of kindness, one brave step away form the darkness and then there will be light.  

 Light dispels the illusion of darkness, but darkness can never dispel the reality of light. 

All is well!

Yoga and the Body

 I am not this body.  I am not even this mind.

Sadhguru ( Isha Kriya)

I am really getting that truth...that we are not the body or the mind.  I am also learning, at the same time, that it is the body and mind that accumulate karma.  Realization...true realization of Self beyond the self ( this concept that we are these little me's in individual bodies and minds) will free us from karma. 

Yet, that is a process that takes time and practice for most of us to attain.  So what do we do in the meantime? 

We begin the lifelong practice of training. Training the mind and the body can help us in many ways. 

How do we train the body, crazy lady?

We can train the body through Hatha yoga and Pranayama. We can train the body through Kriya Yoga.  We can train the body indirectly by training the mind...through sense withdrawal, concentration, meditation, and mindfulness. We can train the body through yoga. 

What happens when we train the body and mind through yoga?  We lubricate our engines and experience less stress and suffering.

All is well!

From Jnana to Bhakti

 Worship Govinda, Worship Govinda, Worship Govinda, O fool! The rules of grammar will not save you at the time of your death. O, fool! Give up your desire to amass wealth, devote your mind to dispassion and thoughts of the Real. Be content with what comes to you through actions performed by your own work.

Bhaja Govindam, translation of Verse 1 & 2

Note: Govinda is often used for Lord Krishna. Govinda can be translated to "the all-pervading, omnipresent ruler of the sense organs, or 'Indryas' " or "Protector of Cows".  Govinda is a supreme being that can be known through study of the Vedas (ancient Hindu scripture) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Govinda#:~:text=In%20the%20word%20%22Govinda%22%2C,as%20%22protector%20of%20cows%22. It s

What is this all about, crazy lady? 

I am sitting here on a Monday morning wondering what to write about.  For some reason the "Bhaja Govindam" keeps coming up as a topic.  

What The Fork? 

I started practicing the  Isha Kriya meditation offered by Sadhguru...and at the end of that guided meditation is a chant sung by Sadhguru in Sanskrit.  I wanted to know what it was/what it meant and upon some research discovered he was singing verses from this famous Hindu poem, Bhaja Govindam or the Moha Mudgara, as it is sometimes called. From my understanding, the poem was written by a Jnana Yogi Guru (scholarly type) called Shankara  upon hearing a student trying to learn grammar rules through rote knowledge. The basic premise of the poem is a plea to surrender ourselves to worship of Govini (the Lord Krishna?) because grammar rules ( and all worldly things, even knowledge) won't matter when we are dying.  It was basically saying that Jnana yoga (the study of scripture etc), though important, is not as important as devotion ( Bhakti Yoga). 

I further researched to discover that this surrender could be to a guru as well.  And for some reason, that did not sit well with me. The full devotion to a guru does not feel comfortable.  I tend to resist it ...(watched too may shows on cult leadership even in ashrams, I guess, to feel comfortable with such surrender, even though I know it is a well established component of the tradition of yoga).  For that reason I will never be an initiated yogi and will probably never be seen as a true yogi to those heaped in the tradition and culture of yoga...but I still think of myself as a yogi, just the same, a sloppily put together western model. :) 

 If I were to describe myself as a particular type of yogi, I would call myself a Jnana, like the student the poem is addressed to (though concern for grammar perfection is obviously not a priority for me :) and a karma yogi. Hmm! I still feel great devotion to God...especially when I am out in nature or find myself in the moment.  Conceptualizing God, however, is a problem for me. In prayers of past, I was conditioned to visualize God in a certain way  and devotion became something concrete and ritualistic.  I did not "experience" God in that way. It wasn't complete and honest devotion for me. So,my ways of devotion are changing.  I  want to experience God.  I am not yet a true Bhakti yogi.  

I really do not know what I am.  I just feel pulled in this direction. I am just going along this ride, not sure where I will end up as a yogi or as a person.  I know so little.

All is well in my world.

Sadhguru (2021) Isha Kriya: A Guided Meditation for Health and Well Being. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwQkfoKxRvo

Shlokam (n.d.) Bhaja Govindam. https://shlokam.org/bhajagovindam/

Emotional Labour Pains

The idea that you have to be protected from any type of uncomfortable emotion is what I absolutely do not subscribe to.

John Cleese

 I often mention, and probably share more than my remaining  ego is comfortable with, how uncomfortable it is to have the "old stuff" coming up from the recesses of my heart where I had stuffed and stored it in some pandora's box of many "unwanted" things. I am easily triggered, it seems, by certain Life events and not so easily by others.  When placed in a life threatening situation I experience it fully, wholly, and almost see the beauty in it.  Yet, it could just take a few words from another to throw me back into the dungeon of my mind. It is obviously not the event, then, that is the problem nor is it the emotional energy itself.  

Though my body was responding with fear last weekend during a life threatening event, my mind wasn't.  I wasn't clinging to any of it.  I was aware of it all, acutely so, but I was 'riding the wave' of it. It was being released as quickly as it was coming in. I wasn't using my will to create resistance and therefore reactivity against the moment.  I was flowing with it. I was handling it.

 The next day, however,  when a samskara got bumped and old painful emotional energy started to come up...I resisted, creating tension and stress. The flow of that emotional vibration became even more turbulent inside me.  The heart, the place where our emotions are stored, was doing what it does...attempting to purify itself. Purification means having these emotions and "samskaras" rise to the surface, into our conscious awareness, into our moments, so they can be experienced and released. When we resist, it is like pushing it back down, creating a wall between the natural flow of this energy upward and outward and our momentary experience.  The energy on the other side of our resistance, just like the Colorado river  does against the wall of the Hoover Dam, becomes even more turbulent when we do that. That is suffering!

It wasn't until I accepted both the experience outside: the not having our experience  validated and acted upon by formal support systems in a way that would make us feel adequately supported and protected and the experience inside: the activation of old samskaras based on past experience seeking help from support systems leading to a flood of emotions that could be named as "shame, fear, unworthiness, hopelessness, desperation" as well as "anger, blame, and resentment"....that I felt a certain disentanglement from it.

When I recognized that what was happening outside had little to do with me and that what was happening inside had everything to do with me, I relaxed into the entire experience.  I allowed it.  I observed it.  I felt a certain degree of compassion and understanding for the others. More importantly, I felt a certain degree of compassion and understanding for the heart that so wanted to release these trapped emotions.  So, though I need to work on being more gentle with myself, I did try to call  up each of these trapped energies gently and allow them into my conscious awareness.  I looked deeply into those that were willing and ready to arise,  understanding where they came from and why.  And, as a result, some left...some were released.  My samskara load is now a little lighter, as is my karmic load, as is my heart. 

We need to learn to understand and handle our emotional energies so we are not run by them.  We can learn to do just that. We can set our hearts free so Shakti can flow upward.  We really can. That doesn't mean we don't feel our emotions, even the painful ones.  That doesn't mean the process of purifying the heart is  a pain free one. It isn't.  It hurts :) But if we look at the process of purification as enduring the pains of  a labour that will soon free the soul from that which held it back...would we not be willing to do our best to relax and breathe into each contraction?

All is well in my world. 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( November 5, 2023) Understanding and Handling Emotions. https://tou.org/talks/

No Person, No "me"...just I am in this Moment

Live consciously...All that  ever was in creation is only in this moment, and all that will ever be is only in this moment. 

Sadhguru, Karma ( Harmony Books, 2021) page 168

I caught myself saying something in a video that I had to correct.  I was speaking about that which exists beyond the mind and I kept saying, "The person" beyond the mind.  Of course, there is no person beyond the psyche...this form with its physicality and its psychology. Just the opposite. There is what the buddhists refer to as "no-self". Going beyond the mind is freeing ourselves of person, of "me", of self with a little 's'. It involves transcending the "personal"...that which is in the way of us experiencing Life fully. Life isn't personal and either are we at the deepest level.

What lies beyond the mind is space...a space that transcends time and matter. It is unconditioned consciousness, stillness, complete and pure aliveness. It is the here and now.  It is who we are.  So it really isn't correct to say "I became aware of the awareness in me,"as I did after my experience of being attacked a week ago. During that crisis something amazing happened. I fell away from the mind and back into this space. I was able to operate from there without "me" in the way. Yet, when I later described that experience using words, I kept saying : "I was so aware of that greater person in me." The words were not accurate pointers. 

It was not a person in "me" that I became aware of. It wasn't a person at all.  Person refers to our psyches, our created story that explains all the memories we have collected over the years. This person is an image, our forms, our thoughts, beliefs, and feelings, our roles, our actions, our likes and dislikes, our fears, our preferences etc.  It is something we make up and use in the physical dimension. It isn't who we are. In fact, it is in the way of us fully experiencing who we are: presence.  Buying into it and focusing all our attention on it is what prevents us from seeing beyond it to the space  of who we really are. 

Then when I say "in "me". how can there be anything deeper in "me" when "me" is just an image I made up?  What happened that night was more like awareness becoming  aware of itself when "me" and mind stepped out of the way. I once again fell into that deeper transcendent aliveness...the hidden essence that exists behind all forms of the universe...the "I am that I am"...the enemation of God into this universe...and the light of the world as consciousness. Tolle

I didn't become aware of the deepest part of 'me'...the deepest part of I am became aware of itself. I fell into the here and now of the existence that I am.

Hmm! Something to think about.

All is well.

 Eckhart tolle ( October, 2023) Clearing the Mind/ A Guided Meditation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HudclrFRzQ0

Eckhart Tolle (October, 2023) Connecting Yourself to the Universe. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qmx53mdiQ6k

Karma and Self Response-Ability

 What you call karma- the bags of tendencies and predispositions you carry with you-is only your memory and imagination. So if you inhabit this moment deeply, fully, completely you have dropped your karmic load....The present is your only address. The here and now is your only abode. Sadhguru, page 168.

As I read and study Chapter 8 of Sadhguru's book, Karma, I am reminded, once again how important it is to accept what is instead of fighting against it. Our present moment is all there is existentially...it is inevitable.  There is nothing we can do about it. Our minds caught up in memories of teh past and imaginations of the future (times that truly do not exist) may continually go around and around but they are not getting us anywhere.  We cannot be anywhere but here and now.  This is all there is. This idea of "me" is a product of the mind, created by our stored impressions ( samskaras...reminded again how Sadhguru's explanation of  karma lines up so beautifully with Singer's explanation of samskaras) and it too is made up thing.  Without a "me" we are simply Life, simply existence experiencing existence. There is just reality. There is no karma accumulation in that. 

If we can distance ourselves enough from mind to accept the moment for being exactly what it is, we will quickly shed off old karma,  as we stop accumulating new karma. We can be free. 

Here are some beautiful words of wisdom I have absorbed from this chapter

• And so  these are the only two things you are suffering right now; your memory and your imagination. page 150
• your individuality is entirely made up. 151
• If you are aware, you become a positive, dynamic acceptance of this moment. ...happiness is not an occasion, a goal,  a destination. Happiness is your constant state of existence. And this is the end of suffering. 154
• as you are a part of existence, existence is also a part of you. 156
• if you become absolute acceptance, then everything-past, present, and future-is here and now.  157
• Your mind is very deeply conditioned by your past. This conditioning is what we call karma. 158
• With equanimity your entire structure of karma begins to collapse.  All it takes is the willingness to experience everything the way it is. You are not avoiding experience or pursuing it. You are simply open to enjoying the different flavours of life without seeking one or escaping the other. page 160
•  I am not the accumulations of my mind. [had that realization during the incident last weekend] page 164
• Can see My mind belongs to me but I am not my mind. page 164
• Basis of karma is simple: You are the source of all your baggage. When you clearly perceive this, your essential quality changes. ...If you see someone else as teh source, you will always be distracted, disorientated, bitter, frustrated, agitated, and angry. When you see yourself as the source, you are centered. Your energies are now focused within you. You are no longer enacting rituals of blame and rage in your head. You are no longer enslaved to your internal environment or your mind. Sadhguru, Karma ( Harmony Books, 2021), page 165

All is well. 

Sadhguru ( 2021) Karma: A Yogi's Guide to Crafting Your Destiny. New York: Harmony Books

Otherwise

"You will be ever hearing but never understanding;

you will ever be seeing but never perceiving.

For the people's heart has become calloused; 

they hardly hear with their ears, 

and they have closed their eyes.

Otherwise they might see with their eyes,

hear with their ears,

understand with their hearts

and turn, and I would heal them".  

Matthew 13:15

As I continue to work through and deal with my reactivity related to the incident on Saturday night ( or more precisely the reaction I had when dealing with support systems the next day) I come across this talk from Michael Singer (See linked below). In this talk he reminds us that it isn't reality that is causing the problem.  Reality is just reality.  It is our reaction to reality that is the problem. 

Our reactions are based on our psyche and what it has stored...on how it tells us things about what happened and what we should do about it.  Most of the time it tells us to resist, avoid, project blame out there, suppress or repress. This isn't helpful in dealing with the issues.  This reactivity is based purely on our own personal agendas and our personal agendas are "statistically insignificant"in the big scheme of things. 

Our psyches are simply the accumulation of stored events. I understand to some degree where my reactivity to the way the situation was handled by formal support systems come from.  I understand the samskaras within me that form my psyche.  I see them, because of my practice, being closer to the surface than they ever were. Because of that, I am as prickly as a pear ( Are pears prickly? Where did that expression come from?) and easily triggered. So, the way the situation was approached by others who I assumed were there to help, protect and support us was an obvious trigger.  I reacted with a great deal of resistance and  with a familiar  "I can't believe this is happening again.  How can I help my children?" mantra. 

What I did, though I actively tried not to, was view the system approach through teh lens of my own negative past experiences.  I stereotyped and blamed  all individuals in these systems as "never believing me"...which is not fair because I have  received some wonderful support and care from certain others in these systems in the past ( my GP and certain other physicians, some police officers when dealing with my step son, his care team was amazing etc). Yet, my samskara-triggered reactivity blurred the lines and I generalized all similar past experiences as I projected outwardly.  Sure, this situation could have been handled differently. Sure, the above passage may apply to certain individuals from these systems  that made the decisions they did. But it also applies to me. 

My heart had become calloused over the years.  The samskaras we build up inside us are calluses on the heart.  I, as a result, became self righteous in my pointing a finger at them.  I was not seeing with my eyes and hearing with my ears the expression of their own personal humanness that may have been coming out through their decisions. They have psyches too that colour their perceptions, prevents them possibly from seeing or hearing clearly, from understanding and perceiving "my" little version of reality which is so unimportant in the big scheme of things.   As do I!  

The only reaction I can focus on is my own, not those  "assumed" reactions others may or may not be having.  My personal little experience of this is so unimportant and irrelevant in the bigger picture.

So what? My personal experience and the personal experience of my family members was not heard or validated, not supported or even believed, enough, the day after.  That is the reality of our situation.  That is what went down.  I can't change that.  I can't not change the opinions and decisions made by others.  I can't pretend to understand or know either why it happened the way it did, why it so often seems to happen this way.  I was looking at it all through the lens of my own samskara reactivity. Not clearly.

After the actual attack incident where I stayed so clear, where I was able to maintain the Seat of consciousness and proceed with inspired action, I became more than a little disappointed with myself to see my reactivity the next day.  To see how  I once again slipped and started operating from my own calloused heart,  resisting and blaming those out there for being human too. I seen the Seat...I was in the Seat...I was nonreactive in the most dangerous of situations...yet the next day...I become totally lost in my reaction to the reaction of others. 

I see now how I do not have to beat myself up for reacting.  As long as we still have a psyche we are going to react! I just need to accept that it happened and then accept that I reacted to it in the way I did.  The examination of  my reactivity is another wonderful  thing I can learn and grow from.

Sure, individuals in these systems may be having a challenging time coping with the reality of suffering.  Maybe they need to see better with their eyes, hear better with their ears, and understand better with their hearts.  But that is none of my business if they do or they don't.  My business is seeing with these eyes, hearing with these ears, understanding with this heart and turning this being  to the  Source  of it all for healing.  I need to get beyond my personal story and my own psyche that is so reactive to that which doesn't react.   

Basis of karma is simple: You are the source of all your baggage. When you clearly perceive this, your essential quality changes. ...If you see someone else as the source, you will always be distracted, disorientated, bitter, frustrated, agitated, and angry. When you see yourself as the source, you are centered. Your energies are now focused within you. You are no longer enacting rituals of blame and rage in your head. You are no longer enslaved to your internal environment or your mind. Sadhguru, Karma ( Harmony Books, 2021), page 165

And I am getting there! 

All is well! 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( November 2, 2023) Handling Your Reactions to Reality. https://tou.org/talks/

 

Not Soiled

The sun cannot be soiled by anything it is shining on

Michael A. Singer

Just as the sun is not that which it shines on; is never contaminated by it, our consciousness is never contaminated by what it sees. We, who we are at the deepest level: awareness, consciousness, the Objective Observer, the Witness are not contaminated by what we look at it.  I seen that so clearly on Saturday morning.  It was amazing to be able to see that.

Yet, much of the time I and others are getting lost in the dramas we are watching, becoming all caught up in the mess of it, believing we are it.  We are not. We are not soiled by it, harmed by it. We can't be.

Nothing real can be threatened

nothing unreal exists

herein lies the peace of God

                                         ACIM 

Your mind does not want this garbage in there.  It wants to be clear ...and ... whole. Let it go.

All is well

Karma and Trauma

Though a survivor’s traumatic experience cannot be undone, nor can its cause be explained, the survivor can choose how they live their moving forward.  For instance, one can use their talents to serve others or channel wisdom gained from trauma to help others heal from trauma thus, accumulating good karma.

Daryna Skybina

I want to learn from everything, in case you haven't noticed. So, I am bringing this recent and somewhat traumatic incident into my understanding of karma. Ironically, I come across this amazing paper, written by a Masters of Professional Studies student on karma and trauma.  It blew me away that someone was doing the same thing I was doing...attempting to understand karma in a way that would support the trauma survivor.  Please read the linked paper below.

I know karma is involved in this and I also understand karma enough to know that what happened is not "my" fault. I, as a survivor, am not to be blamed for this.  My family was not attacked this weekend past because of something "bad, wrong, or negative" that I did in this life or a past life.  This attack was not the result of me violently attacking a family in a previous life. (Though I could have done that?) Who knows? And I am not to blame for the way the support systems handled this crisis. ( That is where most of my post trauma comes from...not the actual incident but feeling responsible that it was handled in the way it was because of something I might have done in this lifetime or a previous one. "I seem to be getting the same kinds of reactions when I seek help from the support systems so it must be my karma!")

Though I see Karma now as a universal law that cannot be denied, I also realize that I will never completely understand it or the way it works,  I see how confusing it can be for us westerners who were brought up to see it as "woo-woo" .  Karma is explained differently by different teachers from different backgrounds.  I like to go back to Buddha and his explanations as the author of the paper has done.

Buddha in the Accinitta Sutta warned others not to spend too much time trying to understand  why negative things were happening to us in terms of karma because this cannot really be understood by our limited minds. Attempting to do so so could bring "vexation and madness". 

But here I am trying to understand just enough to bring some semblance of peace.

In my experience with this "individual" trauma I see how my mind wants to go back to blaming me.  "So many challenging things are happening now because of some  karmic debt I must have to pay off", I tell myself.  That allows me to feel a certain relief..."Oh great, I am burning off karma!",  and it also brings a lot of shame and guilt, "My family seems to be the source of karmic consequence.  My karma is about making them and watching them suffer?" So if I look at this as an individual trauma, I feel both relief that I get to burn off my sins from this life or another,  and shame that the suffering consequence is having to watch my children suffer. 

When I take my lens of perception away from the individual focus of karma regarding this incident, however, and see it as a source of collective suffering, I get a clearer perspective. 

The teaching of collective karma encourages us to view situations of injustice as “a symptom of an underlying social malady that is exacerbated if not caused by entrenched social and political habits.

I see why the individual acted as he did.  I see why individuals in  the systems acted as they did and I feel less karmic responsibility.  I can look at this with skillful compassion and a certain degree of wisdom and I can see the need for others to do the same, in order to reduce the accumulation of collective karma. 

All is well!

 Daryna Skybina(n.d.) A Trauma Informed Approach to Discussing Karma in Buddhism. https://jps.library.utoronto.ca/index.php/cjtmhd/article/view/39547/30122

Self Reflection 36 Hours After Trauma

 For real change to take place, the body has to learn that the danger has passed and to live in the reality of the present.

Bessel Van der Kolk

36 Hours After Trauma

So just how much am I learning? How much have I progressed?  

This traumatic incident we have been through, with its hidden karmic value, was an amazing opportunity to see how much I have grown. I see two things: One, that I can maintain the seat of consciousness in life threatening situations and two, that my egoic reactivity, based on a samskara triggering (one where I seek support from  "formal support systems" during or after a crisis) is still very much prevalent and can pull me out of the Seat very quickly.  Cool as a cucumber during and immediately after the actual trauma... but a mess as soon as I think about having to deal with the "systems"  ( like when I had the chest pain and thought I might have to go in. I was more stressed about that than I was about getting beat up), or when I am actually dealing with the individuals from these systems afterwards.

Reliving the Self Fulfilling Prophecy

 Because of past experiences,  I operate in a self fulfilling prophecy  almost every time I deal with the "systems". I have ingrained in me this core belief that I can not trust theses formal support systems  to help 'me' because they have not in the past; that they tend not to believe 'me' or take what I am dealing with seriously. that they are more likely to minimize 'my' complaints  and shame 'me' than they are to help 'me'. I understand, at some deep level, I am creating this. I do.  I understand that in some way it is karmic in nature  and  something I can learn and grow from. I do not want to resist it. I would like to open up more to it so I understand it more and eventually let it go.

You mean you were not shook up at all after the incident?

The incident, I believe, came in and went.  I can think back on it clearly without too much issue. I am not clinging to the actual incident. I mean I definitely feel some post effects.The last two days I have been waking up at the same time the incident occurred on Saturday morning, checking the door to make sure it was still holding, sneaking downstairs to check on the girls ( doing so very carefully because I do not want to surprise them and send them into a fright. I know their amygdala's are very much on guard.) I guess, I am afraid now of 'what could happen', with just reason. But it is not consuming me.

A Bigger Stressor: Samskara Activation

That incident wasn't my biggest stressor...dealing with the authorities, the next day, is what I cannot let go of.  Mentally,  I am stuck on that...resisting and reacting.  I am regretting that I didn't do enough for others out there, for public safety, for him. Though my focus in the last 36 hours has been narrowed down to my family, I know this reality extends beyond us. If he uses again, others in the community are at risk. He, or whatever that was in him, was trying to kill us that night and it would have if it had the opportunity. There was no rational mind operating in those 15 minutes he was attacking us. So, I am fully aware that no restraining order or momentary lucid moment of "remorse" or a promise to "not do it again" is going to stop him if he becomes psychotic again.  Meth psychosis is a very real and serious thing. 

Anyway, I question if I should have done more, said more, insisted on more, been more assertive with the systems that we were dealing with? I was just  too busy playing the survivor game, trying to get what was needed, doing whatever  I could to get a no contact order to protect "my" family, even if it meant pretending to trust that which I did not trust, while my samskaras related to dealing with similar issues in the past were being activated. As a result,  I didn't think enough of "others" out there.  I didn't think enough of him. My wonderful light of consciousness narrowed its beam from the wide angle it was shining on  down to a tiny little speck..."me".  It became all about "me" again.

Through the lens of stored impressions

Because I was seeing, once again,  through the lens of stored impressions and because I was so damned exhausted from the whole thing, I was mentally reactive, and I stopped seeing the "whole picture clearly". I was no longer  behind the mind as I was the night before...I was pulled into the mind.  My mind was full of: "Like so many times before they don't believe me. Authorities never believe me when I present in crisis. How do I prove to them that I am telling the truth.  Because they don't believe me, my children are at risk. What do I do? My children are at risk because of something they assumed I did or said...something I am...that convinces them not to believe me. Why does this always happen? Well, maybe they are right...maybe it wasn't that bad...and I am just making too much of it again. Maybe they are right...there is just something wrong with me.  That is what they are saying, aren't they? That I am too dramatic, too 'crazy'?  Just like when I presented with my daughter when she was suicidal...or myself when I was having angina attacks. I am always just making too much of things, in their eyes aren't I? Should I be ashamed of myself? " 

It is so bizarre how quickly that shame spiral whirls out of control when I am dealing with doctors, mental health professionals, the police etc. ...That core belief activation and associated thinking is so quick to fill my mind if I am not consciously willing myself to stay in the Seat. It gets in the way of reality, of what is truly enfolding in front of me. 

What is real? 

What is real is that my family was violently attacked by someone in acute Meth psychosis. This someone was psychotic and a risk to himself and others. The community needs to be protected!  He needs help! (I do really want him to get the help he needs.) This psychosis will come back.  I have seen it before, lived with it before. I have seen how affected individuals do not have to be using to have an episode.  It can be triggered by almost anything including high anxiety levels, cravings, and other substances.  It doesn't always go away . Infact, the other individual I know still has the odd bout and has to be treated still with antipsychotics. His started  three years ago. And he has only used once in that three year period.  I could not get much help for him either when it began.  I had to fight and wait for him to get so bad he asked for help himself (with my direction).  And when he did get help I could not convince the authorities how at risk my family was. Though he was more paranoid than outwardly aggressive in his presentation, I found homemade weapons under his bed and notes to his Dad that implied that I was the source of his fear and that he had to protect him and his Dad from me.  The mental health authorities couldn't understand, even with that, why I wouldn't take him home. They...the members of the mental health system that were making the decisions thought I was being overly dramatic and ridiculous.  He was, afterall, "the best patient they had". This has led to a great deal of distrust in the system. It felt like yet another 'assumption' about "me" was made and like the others it would get in the way of truth. 

That distrust and that fear that the same type of thing would take place again has been reactivated in me by this incident.  It is me that is doing the activating, I know that.  The individuals in the systems I am dealing with are just doing their jobs as they do what all of us tend to do, protect their egos. Making assumptions and judgements is a part of that ego protection. We so often need to prove to ourselves and others that we are "right" and the ones that "know" even if it darkens what is real.  Though their intentions are often so honorable,  they have to be overwhelmed...the systems are so overloaded with "suffering" beings.  They are facing this suffering daily with limited time and resources, often attacked by it. That must have an impact on their own ability to see clearly.  It would on mine, I know.  I empathize.  I respect and I appreciate what they do. This is not an attack on anyone in these systems.  It is just acknowledging that systems could be improved when ego gets in the way of doing what is best, of seeing what is real.

What is real is that it happened and there is nothing we can do about it.  We can do a limited amount to make sure it doesn't happen again which I hope we did.  Despite my internal reactivity yesterday dealing with those professionals  I dealt with, I did my best to ensure they knew what happened and how serious it was and therefore how much of a threat to the community this individual could be. Then I had to let it go. When I seen or heard that they were more or less seeing him as the victim, diminishing and questioning the validity of our concerns...I became very reactive inside.  I resisted. I tried to relax into that resistance and to let it go. It was challenging to do so.

Still Reactive

I am still reactive. Monkey mind is very busy. I am having a hard time relaxing into the system's approach to this and how I am allowing it to affect me internally.  I am very aware of those old samskaras arising to the surface with their shame. They are very heavy and annoying but they need to be felt and experienced before they are released.  My focus seems to be more on that than it is on the possibility that this might happen again. Is that strange? I do not feel fear.  Oh, I know that if he uses again that he could seriously hurt or kill another. He could come back here. Or he could harm himself. He needs help.

My suffering, their suffering, his suffering=our suffering

Sigh! But I have to let go.  This all feels like too much, you know?  Like I am holding onto and weighed down my so much that isn't mine. Hmm! But that is just it, isn't it?  It is all mine and it is all yours.  It's everybody's and nobody's at the same time. This suffering is a universal suffering. Something we all share whether we know it or not.  I practice yoga because I realize that. I practice yoga because I want my form to be free of suffering, my loved ones forms to be free of suffering, his form to be free of suffering,  all of us to be  free of suffering. I cannot change the opinions of those that belong to the formal support systems that are there to actively reduce suffering.  I cannot fix the system.  I can not fix my children.  I cannot fix him...but if I heal myself... that will have a ripple effect on everyone.  I don't just believe that.  I know that, at some deep, deep level. So I go back to yoga.

All is well.

The High Hanging Fruit of Sadhanna

 The fruit at the top is best, they say,  but more difficult to get to.  The fruit at the bottom is easy to reach, they say,  but there is so much  you can never pick it all.

Unknown

I spend a great deal of time and energy examining my own mind, my own mental and personal development through my practice.  Sometimes it absolutely amazes me how much I have grown into staying seated in the center of consciousness, and other times I am shocked at how easy it is to fall back away from it.  Regardless, observing self  and Self as I learn and practice  is an amazing thing in itself. 

Mastering the High Hanging  Fruit

I am really getting somewhere with this practice and was put to the test to prove that on Friday night/ Saturday morning.

My family was violently attacked by someone suddenly overwhelmed by an unconscious and uncontrollable meth psychosis....at 3 am.  When I say my family...I mean my entire family that lives here.  This was not, as authorities want to believe , a domestic violence case aimed for one person. It wasn't aimed for anybody really and at the same time everybody. The person was completely psychotic.  This was the closest thing to a demonic possession I have ever witnessed. (And I don't believe in such things.) There were moments we could still see the person we knew in there, asking for help even, and the next second he would be completely overwhelmed by this dark and violent force that wanted nothing more than to hurt us. Even the physical appearance of the person would change from the calm person pleading for help to this "monster" ( for lack of better words) with dark eyes and growling presence that was out to attack whatever it could reach. He had the strength of ten men.  We all got a beating in some way or another. My daughter more than all.  All of us, though  bruised, are very, very lucky to be alive.  I am not exaggerating when I say that. 

This would be a high hanging fruit right? Throughout the whole , I think it was 15 minutes, of the attack before the police arrived I was unbelievably calm.  I was so aware of what was happening around me, despite all the screaming and the chaos.  I mean, my body was in flight or fight as it needed to be ( one of the few times in life we need to be) ...even heard myself screaming once or twice...but my mind was calm, remarkably calm and clear.  At one point I was pushed into a corner, my daughter on top of me, and as I was trying to shield her body under mine to receive the blows I heard myself saying, "Oh...so this is what it is like to go through something like this.  I may die here...and this is what it will be like." There was no reactivity...no fear.  There was no bloody fear. There was just this awareness of everything going on around me....the experiencing of the experience as the experiencer. I was in the seat of consciousness! I was still acting, doing what needed to be done to protect myself and others around me.  My body moved here and there. For the most part my voice was so calm. I did scream every now and again when myself or others were getting hurt but it was like the scream belonged to the body, not the mind. The mind stayed calm. And I had nothing but compassion for the individual under that psychotic shadow, I wanted to help him and tried  but soon discovered that I couldn't.  I would have done anything to protect my family, don't get me wrong, but I felt so much compassion for him  I knew there was a being just like me beneath that darkness. There were five of us and only one of him but we could not fend him off or stop him from attacking.  It was only when he got outside to literally howl at the moon ( and it was ironically a full moon) that we are able to protect ourselves with the door between us...until he broke it down that is.  He had the strength of ten men! When the police came to take this person away I was still in that very calm state of mind. I tried using that calmness to keep others calm but everyone was obviously upset. That calm lasted throughout the remainder of the night/morning.  I was so amazed by this observation in myself.  Wanted to tell everyone,  "I had awakened!" lol

Well my mind might have been awakened but my body wasn't.  I within an hour of the police leaving had a terrible angina attack from the fight or flight reaction as well as all the running around and fighting off I had to do.  Was the worse one I had in a awhile.  The first dose of nitro wouldn't work ...the second dose wouldn't work but I was mentally and physically resisting taking the third dose becasue I did not want to go into the ER...to put that on top of all the other stressors the early morning was providing.  So I held on and I hoped and I prayed until finally the pain went away. 

Wow! I survived that too and I stayed pretty calm, if not as calm as I was earlier. I was able to  fall back to sleep for an hour or two. I really felt I was mastering my practice.

The Low Hanging Fruit

That is until about noon the next morning when we get a call...well let me correct that...my daughter gets a call from mental health ( she puts me on speaker with her for most of her calls because she is hard of hearing) asking if she was ready to receive this person back into our home. (He does not even live here). Of course we shouted no in unison and tried to explain why but were reminded  how "remorseful" he was and how he would not likely do it again. I do want what is best for this person I do.  He needs lots of loving support,  psychiatric help, help with his addiction etc but there is no way on God's green earth am I going to allow my family to go through that again. We were told he was being released regardless and that he would be told he was no longer welcome here.  It was then that I felt the reactivity starting.  Released?  We do not even have a front door anymore to hide behind. If he uses again, he will likely be back. What about other out there should he use again? Do they not see what is going on?

So we went back to the authorities again to do what had to be done to ensure our protection.  Even then we were questioned if we really wanted to do this. My reactivity was increasing.  I felt my anger and resistance in the form of disbelief arising, "This cant be happening" my mind was saying. I insisted but felt that reactivity in my throat.  I was falling from my seat and into the story of what happened and was happening now when we were just trying to protect ourselves and what could happen in the future. I was also physically exhausted from the angina attack and from the drama of the night before.  I found myself irritable...slipping more and more.

Getting the door fixed proved to be more frustrating than expected. But we felt an "urgent" need to get it fixed. My daughters were suffering and I didn't know how to help them.  My house was a mess from everything and I didn't have the energy to do anything.  I was worried about him and what he might be experiencing now and whether or not he would get the help he needed. We had to write  up our bloody statements. We had issues getting them printed off.  I kept thinking...okay if we just get this part of getting the statements done everything will feel better.  We could move on. I was projecting into the future to get out of this moment.  I was sore from where I got banged up too.  I hated looking at the bruises on other bodies.  I began beating myself up for allowing him to stay here as much as he was staying here. Felt it was my fault.  I was scared.  What if he came back? How would I protect the people in my household? The mind was far from calm! I found myself out of the seat of consciousness and focusing more on what little me was experiencing. Yeah I slipped.

So I handled the high hanging fruit beautifully , testament to the growth that is occurring with a committed practice. ...but  I am also reminded how easily we can slip. I didn't handle the low hanging fruit very well. Hmm! All in the learning.  All in the learning!! 

All is well (It really is)

The Peeling Away of the "Masquerading Self"

 Painful experiences of the past are carved on your ego. Peel off all layers of your ego and you will find the spotless, pure and shining soul underneath. 

Shunya

Reactive

I spent the last couple of days, when I had time, reflecting on the rising of a somewhat intense reactivity in 'me', that seems to be so triggered by 'working out there'. I am noticing an intense fear related to making mistakes, of displeasing others, of not meeting expectations and the consequences that I assume will follow, emerging in me.  I am noticing the core belief by which this is bound arising as well.  The core belief says , "If anybody is going to make a mistake/sin/be worthy of punishment, it will be you. You are a mistake waiting to happen.  You are a mistake. You need to be punished for what you have already done and you need to stop making more mistakes.  Repent!  And, for the good of the world and yourself, stay clear of areas/situations where you could make more mistakes." (Duh? That could be absolutely anywhere, right?)  

Painful experiences are carved...

Of course, with that core belief is an underlying shame. Shame and fear are very caustic emotions that burn at our insides. It is far from pleasant to have them come up. Though I know exactly where this reaction comes from and I have experienced it in a lesser degree many, many times in my life history, I have never been as acutely aware of it as I am now.  It has never been quite to this degree, or at least this obvious.

Why Now?

Why am I reacting so intensely now, when I have been doing so much spiritual work; when I have grown and matured in so many ways? 

Purification and the peeling away of ego

I am feeling this so intensely because I am in the process of purification. As I observe myself reacting in this way and reflect upon it, I realize that this poorly stuffed core belief, this habit tendency, these emotional energies I have carried with me most of my life feel so intense now because the layers of protective self I put over them  have been taken away. Layer by layer, I (or Life) have been peeling off  my ego, my psyche, the self concept that once protected or at least subdued this samskara so it wasn't constantly coming into my conscious awareness. 

I find myself now well into the process of pulling off this particular layer that once covered the inner pseudo-reality of 'shamed/shame filled being', and  prevented it from being exposed to the outside world (albeit never completely).  This layer I am pulling off, I believed, gave the world more of what I thought it wanted. Instead of a "broken, sinful mistake maker and/or mistake" the world would want to punish, I gave them the redeemer part of my ego. I worked hard, all my life,  to create an image that would compensate my shameful nature, using all the ego means I knew: outer appearance, people pleasing tendencies, education, false confidence, success, some form of status and something/anything  that would be more appealing to others than disgusting. I created what Yogananda called a "masquerading self".  

The Masquerading Self 

Though this masquerading self is still just another layer over who and what we really are, it did protect "me" from some pain and discomfort.  It silenced a lot of the noise that was on the layer beneath it.  It hid the rotting mess from others and myself so I could get by. Now that is is just hanging by threads, and I find myself out there working in the world, I wear my samskara layer on the surface. It is red and raw and it hurts like h-e-double hockey sticks. This is why I  have done so much, in the past, to defend and protect it, to cling to it.  This is why, I realize, I am finding it hard to accept calls and to go 'out there' without it.  This is why I am completely wiped for days afterwards when I do go in, even when I have great days, and I usually have good days.  The protection is gone.  

Without a protective shell

I am like a tortoise who, upon realizing he could have  freedom from  carrying so much extra and unnecessary weight, finds himself  suddenly without a shell, crawling through thorny brush to get to a food source on the other side.  I have to crawl through these thorns, that are exactly where and what they are for reasons that do not concern me, to get to what I want on the other side.  I am more than willing but man it is hard.  Every now and again I need to stop, and even pull back a bit sometimes, so I can catch my breath.  I am committed but like the tortoise, I am slow. 

Something must be really wrong with you, crazy lady?

Now I realize how pathetic and drastic that core belief and all its emotional energy may sound.  I agree, there is something really wrong with "me".  Mostly everything that has to do with any "me" is wrong. "Me" stops us from realizing who we are at the core  ...it is a layer in the way.  

Why would you share it? 

I have a very, very strong suspicion that I am not the only one with such a "sick" core belief inside them. with such a samskara haunting them.  I never knew  my samskara was as nasty as it was because I was too busy compensating for it...too busy creating this masquerading self and coming to believe it was who I was that I never took the time to really look at what was beneath it. What was buried beneath this layer of knotted and tangled repressed and suppressed stuff  was why I was creating an image and putting on a show. I never spent much  time pondering  that.  I didn't want to go there. It was all about what I could do to keep this self comfy and people pleasing so I didn't have to deal with the mess.  Man, how sick is that?  

So what is your story? 

My samskara has a story, a reason for being, just as yours do and no matter how different or traumatic these individual stories may seem, they are all just stories.   The story too, if we are too attached to it,  can form a layer in the way of us experiencing who we really are. I am detaching from my story. I hope you can detach from yours.

So is this it then?  This is who you are: this exposed samskara?

No...this is just the beginning of experiencing "Who I am".  My samskara layer with all its fear and shame, its nasty and limiting core belief, the 'self' loathing is just another layer covering the core of who I am.  It has to come off too. I had to remove the layers on top of it to get this far. The cool thing is that once we are exposed at this level, there is not much this "me" has to do about it. All we need to do is be committed to getting to the core. The thorn bushes will do the rest. Feel and experience what has been repressed and suppressed and is now on the surface; feel and experience  what life unfolds in front of us...resist none of it...and keep the eyes on the prize: Freedom.  

The Core beneath the superficial

You are at the core, beneath all you have created. You are and have always been watching and observing the layers being built and the layers coming off.  So, relax, as Singer suggests and remind yourself often, despite the stories or the layers, "I am always going to be okay!" 

All is well. 

And when I peel away, I find my superficial layers run deep, and the deep layers are just superficial layers in disguise. And, when I seek depth, all I can find is a gapping hole, a certain hollowness, cleverly painted by my superficial selves to appear important. And, my ego sneers at this feeble attempt at self honesty. 

Srividya Srinivasan

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe (October 26, 2023) Self Realization Equals God Realization. https://tou.org/talks/

The Secret of Work

 What is karma yoga? The knowledge of the secret of work. We see that the whole universe is working. For what? For salvation, for liberty; from the atom to the highest being, working for the one end, liberty for the mind, for the body, for the spirit.

Vivekananda, Complete Works, Kindle, Loc 3456

All is well! 

Wu-Wei

Can you comprehend everything in the four directions and still do nothing? 

Tao Te Ching (Chapter 10) 

Wu-Wei is the process of doing nothing while noticing or comprehending everything. I was reminded of this as I listened to Michael Singer's podcast today.  He was talking about noticing  everything without the need to do anything about it. We need to get to the point where we can observe what is happening in us and around us without "little me's " idea of action, often based on reactivity, getting in the way  Of course, this doesn't mean that action does not take place. Action takes place naturally.

Say what crazy lady?

 I see it like this: 

You are peacefully observing all that is unfolding around you and in you (which takes practice) and suddenly you notice a fire breaking out on the stove in front of you.  You are noticing...yes. You are noticing the fire and very quickly you notice the experience within you( fight or flight activation). There are two ways to approach the noticing of this fire inside and outside. 

The first way, is the way many of us will approach it if we still have a very reactive "me" in the way.  You may jump up and down and run around screaming, "Fire! Fire! Fire!... what do I do?" And with an unclear and "me"- dominated mind, you may do something that will make the fire worse... like running away from it or attempting to stamp it out with your flammable dish towel  etc. You are noticing  and then you are "acting" but not doing so wisely or calmly.  Nothing gets done to stop the fire...it gets worse. Why? You are not in the Tao. the "me" is in the way

The second way is to take a quick mental and even physical step back when you notice the fire, take a breath of air to reconnect with the calm center within---the tao---then to just allow action to take place without the "little me" doing anything.  You  notice probably more in that moment, when your 'reactive me' is out of the picture, than you do in the previous example...and more appropriate action gets done.  You follow the Tao (go with the flow) to pick up the fire extinguisher that you suddenly notice so clearly beside the stove and you put the fire out.  You are still noticing the whole thing taking place within and without you, comprehending it clearly...and ..action takes place. You don't just sit there noticing  your house burn down. Something is getting done.  "Me", however,  is not the one doing, the one acting.  The Tao is.  The higher part of you is. "Me" is out of the way so you can flow with Tao.

I was inspired to go back to the 81 chapters of wisdom the Tao Te Ching provides on this effortless action or Wu-Wei.

So, the sage acts by doing nothing, teachers without speaking, attends all things without making claim on them, works for them without making them dependent, demands no honor for his deed. Because he demands no honor, he will never be dishonored.( Chapter 2)

The way is ever without action, yet nothing is left undone.( Chapter 37)

The highest virtue does nothing. Yet, nothing needs to be done. The lowest virtue does everything. Yet, much remains to be done. (Chapter 38) 

Act without action (Chapter 63)

So, the sage does not act and therefore does not fail...He wants all things to follow their own nature, but dares not act.(Chapter 64)

Notice  and comprehend everything in the four directions and realize that you, as a "me" , don't have to do anything about it.  Just flow with it.  When action is called for, it can take place naturally and non reactively, non desirelessly and non fearfully.  That is the way of the Tao. 

 Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( October 23, 2023) Just Noticing. https://tou.org/talks/

Tao Te Ching: The Taoism of Lao Tzu. https://www.taoistic.com/taoquotes/taoquotes-05-non-action.htm

 For everything there is a  season, and a time for everything under heaven...

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8