Lightworker??

I have been born into a broken world and my purpose is to make sure when I leave it, know that I have left a mark of kindness on it somewhere.

 Nikki Rowe

Note: ++ typos...will need to come back and edit

 I often wonder why, as I appear to be 'waking up', I find myself so "out of the loop".  I have written extensively about that feeling of disconnect that has been building in me for as long as I can remember but especially over the last few years.  I thought the increased intensity of this feeling was due to the sudden and drastic changes in my life circumstances: going from being very active in a job I loved, to having to cut back my hours at work and finally  having to leave my job all together; from having a professional title and recognition to having nothing but my name to sign a form with; from going from a good salary and the things they provide to barely getting by on next to nothing for so many years; from priding myself on my integrity to realizing how assumptions were made that gravely diminished the opinion of my integrity and therefore pretty well making a mess of my life and from being physically fit and active to having to limit almost everything I do etc etc.  I thought that is why I had a hard time "fitting in" and taking part in conversations, why I began to absolutely hate small talk, why  I began to prefer the company of animals and nature to social gatherings. 

I realize now that it had or has little to do with my present situation but some inherent trait within me that I have always stifled. I have always felt "different", like I didn't quite belong in my family, my community, this world maybe. I could never understood why. I deeply care about people and sincerely wanted to help but I just never felt like I fit in.

Someone  recently put the question in my head, "Are you a 'lightworker?'' My first conditioned reaction was, "Of course not!  There is no such thing.  That is just New-Age mumble  jumble." Then somewhere in this awakening journey I came across these videos that put that posibility on the table, at least for consideration...at least enough to possibly explain why I feel the way I do. 

Christina Lopez tells us, in 10 Remarkable Signs You are a Light Worker, that a lightworker is someone who has:

1. an intense desire to serve humanity
2. a highly sensitive nature. Empathic
3. a strong intuitive side (express great intuition even before they know they are intuitive)
4. a life long feeling of being totally out of place, "different"
5.  a certian wisdom that goes beyond their years
6.  the history of people coming  to them for advice
7. a tendency to go deep within. Very introspective and good at doing shadow work even if they are afraid to uncover what hides inside them.
8. a very strong and powerful energy field that children, babies, animals and those who can read or sense auras are attracted to. Because of this powerful energy field they may be manifesting things they do not want in their life if they are not careful
9. a tendency to be forward driven.  An intense need to heal the past so they can move on. Can walk away from past situations, relationships etc pretty easily without looking back or clinging
10. a need to grow.  They have a very powerful inclination to grow, evolve and expand.

Wow!  That sounds like me.  Whether or not  there truly is something called a Lightworker"...that certainly has been my experience so far.

As far as the "disconnect" that happens for "lightworkers", Christian Lopez goes on to say in another video, Signs of Spiritual Awakening and Feeling Disconnected and Lonely, that this disconnect we feel in our families, social groups or the world at large ...

• comes on very quickly because of a sudden shift of energy at the quatum level
• is temporary. In truth we are never actually disconnected...just perceive we are. When our energy shifts we may give up old networks that do not serve us while we are being inputed into new networks that better serve us. 
• is irreversible.  When we spiritually disconnect from places, people, things because they no longer serve our evolution, we cannot reconnect.  Though ego may resist and fight letting go of these familiar patterns of existence, we cannot plug back in to that which we have disconnected from
• happens multiple times in varying degrees through our awakening and through our lives
• is happening for our benefit , in order to take us to a better way of living, a more joyful place for the soul... so it is best we do not resist it too much.  Resistance will slow us down. 

What to do if we notice this disconnection happening in our lives

• Know what it is and that there is a purpose for it
• Be  patient! Know that though the energy change is immediate, the repercussion may be slower, as energy takes time to ripple out enough to change reality
• Learn to  ground self ...get back into body, breath, connection with earth etc through mindfulness and awareness
• Connect to spiritual guidance team, "I give authority for you to intervene".
• Do not fight it!  Ego will resist and if you allow it to progress forward will be slowed.  Try this mantra: "I am just going through a process of disconnect but eventually I will connect to something new.  I will be a whole new person, more joyful, more purposeful, and aligned with higher energy."

Well it is something to at least consider, is it not?

All is well! 

Christina Lopez 10 Remarkable Signs you are a Lightworker. https://christina-lopes.com/live-with-joy-purpose/lightworker/

Christina Lopez (November 2018) Signs of Spiritual Awakening and Feeling Disconnected and Lonely.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDZUbhh0ztU

The Life that Exists Beyond the Life Situation

Don't let life situations obscure or stifle Life which is your sense of aliveness and presence.

Eckhart Tolle

 What happened here? There was a big long spiel???

An Apple Tree Reminder

 My Little Apple Tree

If peace can have a scent, it takes me to your side

where leaf is green and flowers bloom and bees so happily abide.

You stand so like an angel with branches  stretched like wings  toward the sky

and wanting Heaven too, I lean against your steady bark and quietly I sigh.

I am lost in the sweet presence that makes the blossoms escape from your tiny tips

and I close my eyes and feel It as "thank you" slips from my lips.

You teach me what I need to know without useless word or thought;

You show me what I am and you show me what I'm not.

I breathe you in and when I do I breathe in all that I could ever be.

Somehow I find the truth I seek, in you,
my little apple tree. 

-Me...

©Dale-Lyn (Pen) (May 30, 2018)

I thought I would put this up again because I realized I missed shooting and appreciating my little apple trees outside while they were in beautiful bloom.  Sometimes we get so caugt up in our heads we fail to see and appreciate what is right in front of us.  And apple trees in blossom are amazing to smell, see, hear  (all the buzzing within them) and simply experience.  We really do not want to miss such things in life! Sigh!  Luckily photograhpy can help us to remember what we are missing... to some degree at least. 

All is wel!

 

Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out.

Ben Franklin

All so good in my world.  I am so grateful for the learning opportunity that has presented itself to me through this little bit of semi-nursing. (By no means am I going beyond the legal and ethical  scope of practice I am presently at lol...felt I needed to say that).  I think it is time to make peace with nursing, to make peace with my past, to make peace with myself and synchronicity has brought me right to the physical location where I can do that.  That really is so amazing. I am not saying I am not a bit afraid of this necessary and potentionally life transforming confrontation...because I am...I still fear making mistakes that may harm others in anyway...facing fear creates fear until we get through it.  The key is to walk through fear, not around it. Every step I take through it will make more space for me to give...and I do want to give. It is all good. Life is very, very good.

All is well in my world

Forget Your perfect Offerings

Ring the bells that still can ring, 

forget your perfect offering 

There is a crack; a crack in everything,

that is how the light gets in.

Leonard Cohen from Anthem

Disturbing Thoughts

I was recalling the nursing procedure I did recently that was far from perfect. I failed to offer perfect help. The disturbing thoughts related to that have returned even after the moment of superb reprieve and 'aha' I experienced  when I realized where they came from and what they were.  For a while there, I thought they were gone for good. I felt like I took a major step in my growth and healing. I felt peace.  

Then yesterday they slipped back  in to my thought stream, trying so hard  to disturb and call me away into a 'you are defective and deserving of punishment mode' with : "You did not do that perfectly therefore you are wrong!  You may have made a mistake that could hurt someone and you are not allowed to make mistakes especially if they hurt, bother, or upset other people in any way. Aren't you always doing that?  Why do you bother to even try to help?You are just going to end up hurting.  If you are not perfect in this role, you are bad and you have no business doing it! You deserve  to be chastised, shamed or  punished! "  Pretty pathological and gruesome, eh? 

Return of PTSD

I witnessed these intrusive thoughts coming in one  at a time, slowly at first before multiplying like baby rabbits.  I witnessed the way my jaw got tight and my teeth  clamped together, how my belly felt tight and my chest got heavy as my body began, almost automatically, to curl forward in protective freeze mode.  I witnessed the fear  increase at the thought of possibly hurting someone took over and the shame, I felt in my core...for possibly making a mistake I am not even sure I made but assume I must have made because in this role, don't I always make mistakes?  Wasn't any offering that wasn't perfect a mistake? 

Ego Twins

I watched what my mind wanted to do with these thoughts...in one breath it seemed to be welcoming them as it pushed anything positive I may have done in the past or have the power to do in the future away...the next it was trying to push the bad  away as it desperately went after anything that would be positive or at least diminish the negative. I watched the ego twins battle it out too: shamer ego doing its dirty work chastising and diminishing me and redeemer doing its ego-salvation work to fix, repent, repair and of course to save face. I tried to reach out to people, "Check and see...make sure...watch for...I will come back and fix.etc "Even though I was assured everything was fine...   I awaited for the  the punishment to come to me.

Watching with curiosity and a certain detachment

The whole time I watched what was happening inside me with a certain curiosity. I  knew my reaction  was all so irrational and overly dramatic. I knew so clearly for the first time in my life  "why" I  reacted the way I did, felt the way I felt. I could trace it back and see the whole picture and that was amazing to be able to do that. . Still...the thoughts didn't seem to know that I knew lol. The feelings didn't seem to care...they were going to move around inside me regardless. My knowing and understanding and being able to witness what was happening did not stop the PTSD experience...but...but it didn't overwhem me. It didn't "kill me." 

Throughout it all, I could breathe and watch the breath.  I could bring myself back to the moment.  I could witness and when we witness we are not lost.

Cracked and Broken In Places

I am realizing now that I am cracked and broken in places. Whatever trauma I experienced in my life...all that pain...it has left its mark on me.  I am deeply wounded and deeply scarred...so it would not be realistic or do anyone  any good to have me  "pretend" that there are no wounds and to restrict my offering only to that which is perfect. I cannot give what is perfect for I am broken in places. And as Hemmingway says...the world breaks us all in one way or another. 

Strong at the Broken Places

Acknowledging that will allow us to see that it also makes us stronger because it has left its mark on us. If I didn't break with Life...if  my outer shell did not crack..."I" would cease to be in the sense that I wouldn't be able to see the light that pours  within and comes from within, that is so much more powerful than any onslaught we experience externally. 

Forget your perfect offerings

Suffering can take us inward, to the light we are. Let's not be afraid of that suffering or ashamed of our cracks and breaks.  Let's learn to expose them so the light that comes through, the strength that enemates from them  can be there for all.We may not be perfect, what we have to give may not be perfect and that is okay.   Let our True Self that lies within our cracked and broken shells  be the  gift we really offer. 

All is well!

The world breaks every one and afterwards many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills.

Earnest Hemingway from Farewell to Arms

What Would Bale Do (January 2017) Stop Misquoting Leonard Cohen and Ernest Hemmingway. Start Listening and Reading. https://whatwouldbaledo.com/2017/01/12/stop-misquoting-leonard-cohen-and-ernest-hemingway-start-listening-and-reading/

Myopic View of Self

 It is quite alien to western thought to conceive that the external world, which is defined as something that happens to you and your body itself is something that you got caught up with...it is quite alien to our thought to consider all that as you yourself because, you see, we have such a myopic view of what oneself is. 

Alan Watts/True Inspiration (January 2018) Overcoming a Victim Mentality, Lecture by Alan Watts. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUcJBe2wU1k

More on Trauma

 The past is never dead, it is not even past.

William Faulkner

I came across this video from Tara Brach today and it beautifully explained what I have expienced over the weekend so perfectly. She spoke to how we may react to a trauma trigger and be taken back to the all too familiar feelings of shame and guilt. 

She explained that trauma is a cutting off or disconnecting from  the Real Self and recovery is a reconnecting. 

In trauma we may expience enough of an assault on our nervous system in the form of intense fight, flight or freeze that , as the shamans say, the soul checks out of the body. We lose our sense of who we really are and get lost in the drama. This is traumatizing. 

We spend the rest of our lives skirting around this very active but hidden self in fear that it will somehow make itself known in a different way.  I also see that which is hidden will surface...eventually..like what my trauma pain is doing. It just needs a trigger.  That reactivation sets off another spiral of fear and shame...we do not want this to be exposed or judged. 

The point is...There is no escaping or getting around it...just  going through it. :) We do gradually with a lot of patience, awareness and self compassion. This compassion is three part: empathy for the suffering, benevolence toward it and a desire to help if we can. 

We learn to create space around it to observe, notice, allow, accept unconditionally and to offer a little loving compassion. The more we take it in the less attachment we have to the past. The less attachment...the less it impacts us. 

Falling asleep for some reason...will be back on this topic. 

Tara Brach ( March 2021) Healing Trauma, the Light shines through the Broken Pieces. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR-DN7JYSLo

All is well 

PTSD and Triggers

 PTSD is a whole-body tragedy, an integral human event of major proportions with massive repercussions.

Susan Pease Banitt

Trauma Triggers and Reactions

I have come so far in life, in terms of healing from past trauma.  I really have but there is still one trigger that sends me spiralling backwards into my unconscious pain in what seems like a sneeze.  That trigger is nursing.  It...and more specifically the imposter syndrome I was never ever able to grow away from in my 30 years of nursing... has this undetermined power, it seems, to drown me in fear and shame. I dream about it at night and in these dreams I am flondering around making mistakes and doing harm.  I still, to this day, ruminate over the mistakes I may have made in nursing school or in those early years, and in order to accomodate the mind's negativity,  I forget or dismiss all the wonderful and brilliant things I was able to do for or give to patients and students  in this role over the years. I focus only on what I did or could do wrong. I will even over-think for hours or days when I leave a situation where "I  acted like a nurse"  in someone else's presence...going over and over again...what I should or should not have said or done, what I could have done better etc. And this pattern of mental over kill happens so fast.  It seems I don't have time to prepare for it...The trigger is pulled...the blast hits...and I am thrown back 45 years into the source of it all where I will stay for much longer than is comfortable. 

I recently went for an involuntary swim in a very familiar and deep pool of inadeqaucy...by agreeing to help out people I care very much about and whom I would love to help. I performed a (normally self-care procedure) I was not completely prepared for ( my responsibility only) and which I would have performed hundreds of times in the past...but not on this particular person with an individual set of conditions and needs. 

Shot!

The all too familiar thought arose as soon as it was finished, "Are you sure you didn't do more harm than good? You are not really a  nurse, you know!"  It was like : What the ...?; where the heck did that come from?" The thought would not go away! My fairly peaceful and serene mind that I had worked so hard at establishing slipped away. I got shot with a trauma bullet out of nowhere it seemed ( though it really was not out of nowhere.) I was instantly filled with ruminating, self depreciating thoughts and feelings of worry and dread.  It happened so fast and it was mentally overwhelming. 

Because I was away from that feeling for so long it felt even more awful in contrast to the peace I have been experiencing since I put my professional role down. I was reminded  how that type of mental noise constantly filled my mind when I was in uniform or lab coat. I realized just how bad it was for me all those years I nursed.  Why I wanted to avoid it, Why I got sick in that role. 

Not the Trigger but the Trauma

Now I know that the cause for my lack of mental peace has little to do with the circumstance or nursing. It is not the nursing role...or the procedure ( well a little bit...I am rusty and I was probably never meant to be a nurse) ...The source of  my "suffering"  goes much deeper and much farther back than yesterday. In fact, ironically, I literally could look out the window of the place I was at and see the place where it all began...a place I lived a life time ago.. It was a double whammy trigger. 

The mental pain followed me around nagging and distracting, keeping me from being able to focus on what was happening in my present moment.  I could not walk away from it. I think it surprised me more than anything. "Wow!  I am suddenly back here, thinking and feeling this way!  I thought I was more evolved than this. I thought I was all over this nonsense." Well, I am obviously not!

Trauma Recovery: A Life long Process

Trauma pain , I am learning, does not go away.  We can learn to spend a great deal of our time in the  present moment despite it as I have learned to do but if something pulls the trigger...chances are you are going to feel the sting of the bullet finding its mark. We will have a PTSD reaction.  My trauma pain is greatly diminished and very, very mangeable these days, true; even this reactivation is manageable but the trauma pain is still there and will be activated whenever Life touches my stuff.  And Life is going to touch my stuff! That is a given. 

Improving!

What I can do differently now, that  I did not have the skill set to do in the  years I actively nursed, is observe my mind and body...observe this particular  pattern of mental behaviour that comes from trauma induced fear and shame.   It is so cool to notice where I am feeling it in the body; notice what types of thoughts are flittering around in my head; notice how these thoughts are preventing me from truly focusing and being in the present moment.  It really is quite amazing to be able to see what is going on.

I can also understand it all better and thus accept this post trauma reaction in me because I do know where it all comes from.  That way I am not only more accepting of it but also of myself. 

I used to beat myself up ...causing suffering on top of suffering for my PTSD and my inability to avoid the extreme reactions I had to triggers. But now that I see it all so clearly ...it makes it easier to deal with.  That doesn't mean I don't feel the anxiety, fear, shame or that my mind is able to ignore all those uncomfortable thoughts that are popping up in my head but I simply notice, feel, allow, accept and understand.  I am much, much more gentle with myelf and accepting of what is.

Point of this big long speil? In managing triggered reactions in PTSD we couild benefit by:

1. accepting the fact that trauma pain and memory will not go away completely and will likely have some impact our lives forever. 
2. facing your triggers and therefoe your pain. Sure be aware of your triggers and maybe limit the expereinces to some degree but do not avoid all triggers all the time.  I am learning that facing this nursing trigger will help me to deal and make my way through my trauma pain.
3. Noticing your reaction to triggers.  When you are suddenly feeling a good dose of shame and fear, ask yourself, "Is this a PTSD thing?" Then watch what your mind is doing, what your emotions are doing, what your body is doing? 
4. Making  a seperation between what you are experiencing and you, as the observer...that way you will not get lost in the reaction.
5.  Not resisting: Don't resist it and don't get yourself all rawled up thinking and saying things like, "This should not be!  This is wrong!" It is what it is...you have had some trauma, it got stuffed inside you somewhere and Life came and poked at it...causing an emotional reaction in you. Might not have been pleasant but it is what it is.  Lean into it ...not away. 
6. Allowing  and embracing these reactions to triggers as learning opportunities.  I am learning to say, "Oh this is just a reaction to a trauma  trigger I am experiencing. Hmmm!  That is interesting...look how it makes me think and feel...hmmm...I wonder what Life wants me to do with this? What about the original source of it...am I to look a little more into that? etc" 
7. being compassionate and patient with self.  Healing from trauma is a life long process and the last thing you need right now is an enemy in your mind. You have had enough of that kind of suffering, haven't you?   Be a friend to yourself, and that means learning to be friendly with trauma and these yucky reactions to triggers.
8. Speaking your trauma to someone else...or at least tell  a trusted someone, "I am feeling anxious or worried or ashamed right now because this thing has triggered some truama pain in me." Just by saying out loud that there is a trauma pain and a trigger  makes it all more real for you and less ominous and lonely making.  Chances are the person will understand.  They may even be able to relate becasue of their own expereince with trauma . 

I wrote a book about this...yes I did...but I cannot cite it because it is yet to be published. :( 

All is well in my world!

 All the unhappiness of men arises from one single fact: they cannot stay quietly in their own chamber.

Blais Pascal, Penses 139

Pretending Away From Now

 The place where you are is the place where you are always pretending you need to be somewhere else.

Alan Watts

Think about that line above for a minute.  .....Okay , now go back and read it and think about it again. :) 

Pretty cool eh? Where you are right now is exactly where you are supposed to be...infact, there is nowhere else to be. This is it!  Yet, in this place where you are supposed to be your mind is constantly telling you, you need to be somewhere else. 

You need to go back, it says,  and "do" something about whatever happened in the past.  I mean, you know you can not physically go back in time...but you can go mentally back, maybe to erase certain features that memory has painted on your psyche,or supress, repress and keep your hand there holding it down, like a rubber ducky, in a bath tub so it doesn't pop up and scare you. Exhausting!  Maybe your mind is telling you ...you have to rationalizeyour part in the event  in some way to ease the shame and guilt you are feeling or maybe it is telling you to give yourself a good beating for it.  Maybe the mind is pulling you back because it is rationalizing the need for that drink or that unhealthy and unhelpful activity you are about to partake in .  Yeah...you with the mind's guidance  often pretend  that you need to be in the past.

And we definitely pretend we need to be somewhere up there in the future.  That I believe is the true disease of our generation...the using this moment to get somewhere up there.  We are always planning and worrying, conniving and thinking ahead...with this honest and sincere belief that is what we are supposed to do. We drag "to-do" lists behind us that are 20 feet long with plan A, and Plan B...and "what to do if all else fails" written on them. We think that we can somehow control life but as Alan Watts reminds us, we do not know how to interfere with the way the world is.  It just is. 

Even in our spiritual practices ...we seek to get ahead. We say things like, "When I get there to that state of realization or enlightenment, then I will enjoy the moment as it is."  

How ironic is that?  When enjoying, allowing, embracing the moment for what it is is the spiritual practice and the spiritual achievement at the same time. 

Yet, we view this moment we are in , which is the only time there is,  as an inconveneince, especially when it offers things that we judge as "bad, wrong, shouldn't be".  In our resistance of this moment we create or add to our experience of suffering. We are not getting anywhere. 

You do not need more time; you do not need more suffering.  You need time [for realization]only until you realize you do not need more time. Eckhart Tolle

When are we going to get it? Where we are right now is where we are supposed to be because it is the only place to be. What is "happening" right now is supposed to be happening because it is the only place where it can happen. 

Hmm! Something to think about.

All is well! 

Suffering: Supposed to Be

 There is not a grain of dust in the whole universe that isn't where it is supposed to be. 

Alan Watts

Still thinking about suffering in the form of "stress",  what makes it and what helps diminish it.  I came across this video by Alan Watts today and though I only got 30 minutes in before Life called me away...I heard  everything I was feeling and thinking echoed in the words of this very wise man who so effectively took the wisdom from the east and made it contemporary in the west. He had a gift and he used it well.  He had a mission and, I believe he nailed it...even if he was not well accepted by the more traditional institutions of North America and Europe at the time. Anyway, I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to tap into that wisdom so easily now. I am grateful for my own evolution that took beyond my fear based conditioning to where I can be open to this teaching.

Anyway, back to suffering. Watts  mentioned how ego leads us into a futile attempt at resisting pain through establishing a posture of chronic muscle tension...as if by tensing  up the body we can stop the "bad" things from getting in.  It, of course, reminded me of the issue I have with my jaw and teeth. 

He also spoke about resistance and validated my belief that resistance to pain is a very big social "problem' and a cause of so much of our collective suffering  We are taught, at a very young age,   to avoid pain because we are taught it is "bad, wrong, shouldn't be" (have an article coming out with that title). So we resist and struggle against or avoid/numb from anything that is judged or believed to be painful.  When we do this we resist such a big portion of Life because the so called 'negative' aspects of Life are just as much a part of existence as the so called 'positive'.  We not only resist Life but we resist our true Self.

In our dualistic tendencies we tend to view that the life circumstance or 'happening' is one thing and the person it is said to be happening to is another thing.  We are always breaking things down into nouns and verbs...where there is a noun, there must be a verb; where there is an action or something done, there must be a doer; where there is a happening there must be a doing. Watts challenges that notion by saying This happening is not happening to you becasue you are the happening. Happening and doing are one and the same.  So no matter what we do or what we 'don't do' we cannot prevent suffering from 'happening'.  

A wonderful thing, however, takes place within when we learn to accept, allow, and embrace suffering without our judgements and perception.  We open up to Life and all it is.

Hmm. The stress I am experiencing right now...simply is. I truly do want to lean into it rather than tensing up agaisnt it. What helps me is learning that everything that is happening is happening just the way it is meant to. These circumstances are not random punches from the Universe...that I should duck and avoid...they have their purpose and their place.

All is well. 

Alan Watts/Uncle Evevy ( Jan, 2021) The Inevitable Ecstasy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzjIKqO5ILI

The Cause of Stress

 

The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.

William James 

Clenching Up In Stress

I clench my teeth when I am stressed.  I have really been clenching over the last eight months...I mean big time.  So much so that the last dental Xray I had done showed several cracked teeth and being that I can not afford a dental plate, there will more until I deal with my body's instinctive reaction to stress.  I am sooo stressed...to the point my experience with it  is breaking my teeth and making me sick. What I really need, though, is not a  sedative, not a dental plate nor a diagnosis for what is causing the pelvic pain...but an elimination of or at least a reduction in the amount of stress I am living through. Stress is the culprit and the body is just reacting to it. 

The Cause? 

What is really causing my stress? Is the fact that I have all these challenging  external circumstances and events taking place at once the cause of  my stress? Is Life and other people to blame? No! I have learned enough to know that it is not the circumstances that are causing this expereince of "stress" in me but my mind.  There is no problem except in the mind. 

Not the External Circumstances

Sure there has been a lot in the last eight months: having someone with a life threatening addiction come into my home and have to witness (and occassionally be target for) the neurological damage, the psychosis, the tremendous struggle with addiction itself that plays out in front of me; witnessing damaging enabling; the sense that a relationship is falling apart because of it;  having a child who is so, so unwell in other ways(life threateningly)  and not being able to help her;  my son's broken relationship and the unfair way he was treated in regards to his paternal rights by people who were lifelong friends; having him move back in; another daughter losing her baby; the unexpected death of a sister-in -law; my own sister's heart attack in December and her struggle with even bigger things that I am powerless in helping her with; the struggles my youngest has on  a daily basis with her anxiety; having my deeply invested source for potential and much needed income ( yoga studio) be taken away by COVID; the monthly struggle to pay the mortgage so I can keep my finacial independence in this relationship in an attempt to cling to this idea of "my" home; debt and bills I cannot pay; the waiting to find out if I had breast cancer or not; the pelvic issue that keeps me up at night and leads me on yet another "wait" to find out what that is; just having to "health seek" in any way and how that reopens old wounds in me; the new genetic possibility and another potential big decision I might have to make in the future; wanting it all over with but having to wait for my sister to participate when her situation right now makes her ability to do so unpredictable; feeling sick; menopause; a loss of healing space in my own home; and like everyone else on the planet this little clump of flesh is living trough a pandemic as well. 

There has been alot of stressors in eight months and some of them are fairly big...yet these are not the cause of my stress.  My mind is...more specifically...my perception and judgement is.

The Mind's Judgement Induced Perception: The Cause of Stress

Huh? 

I used to teach that stress is a phyiscal and mental reaction to a "percieved" threat. 

• So number one: Stress  is a reaction ...Stress is not the mother bear that stands on the other side of the cub you came across on your hike in the woods. It is how your body and mind react to it that makes stress.  It is not the circumstance but the reaction to it. So though it seems I have had a lot of things thrown at me to deal with in the last eight months, a lot of mother bears to face...I am not cracking my teeth or getting sick because of them.  I am cracking my teeth and getting sick because of what my mind and body are doing in reaction to these things. 
• And my body does what the mind tells it to do.  The mind must first say, "This is a threat! React!" For my problem with clenching...the mind has told the body to stay tense and alert.  "At any time now you are going to have to run, fight or curl up in a little ball.  Be ready!" So my jaws just obliged.  It also tells the immune system, "Okay!  I am  laying you off to conserve energy for fight and flight." The immune system obliges and walks away from its jobs ...and things can change on the cellular level without it doing its job.  
• The subjective experience of stress ...the "feeling" of stress, worry, dread, fear  also comes about because of what the mind is saying and reporting. "Danger!!!" That message comes from what it is perceiving.  It is "perceiving" a threat to its survival, whether that survival be physical, emotional, mental, or financial etc. 
• Perception comes from making a judgement.  And that judgement we see the mind using in response to challenge that leads to stress is, "This is bad, wrong or shouldn't be!"  When I was more or less told I might have cancer...I judged it as 'bad, wrong, shouldn't be', felt fear and then pereceived it as as a threat to my physical survival. When I realize how much pain a loved one is in...I judge this  as 'bad, wrong, shouldn't be' and it becomes  a threat to my emotional and mental survival as a parent. When I realize I cannot make my mortgage payments that is perceived as a threat to my financial survival. These circumsatnces are all a part of Life doing what Life does.
• It is not the possible diagnosis, the suffering of a loved one or the lack of income...it is my reaction to it.The perception is the problem...and the perception of threat comes from the mind's judgement. 

So what do we do then to help eliminate or reduce the stress we are experiencing?  Especially when we have no control over it?

• The serenity prayer comes in handy here: we accept what we cannot change, and change what we can.  Knowing the difference between what we can and cannot change is important.  I loook at my so called "stressors" and say...I can change some. I can't change others. I can change my living situation if I absolutely have to.  I could kick everyone out! I am not going to do that lol but I could. I cannot make them stop using, make them stop enabling but I can change my limit setting and boundaries. I cannot change what is going on in my body right now but I can make changes in lifestyle and treatment so it doesn't get worse. 
• And most importantly, we can change our judgements and perceptions. Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so.  (Hamlet) Life is a series of coming and goings, peaks and valleys, joys and sorrows.  It is just the way it is. 
• If it is something we cannot change, we realize number one, that it is not the thing that is the problem but what the mind is doing with it.  Just watch your mind and see how it is dealing with this...what judgements is it making about this thing? 
• If you are percieving a threat, ask yourself , "Is this really a threat to me?" Very few things we react so strongly to are actually threats to our survival.  Many times we over react and perceive a threat when no real threat is there.  We nee dto put things into persepctive and not automatically jump  everytime the mind calls out "Danger!" 
• And if you know it is a threat to you at the physical or psycho social level...ask, "Is it a threat to the "real" me, though ?"  That quetsion helped me so much when my world seemed to fall apart after  I got sick and couldn't work. I lost so much of what I thought was important and it felt like part of me was constantly being threatened.  I realized after a long inward questioning  that the only part of me that was being threatened by the loss of income, title, role, recognition was my ego not who I really am.  Nothing real can be threatened (ACIM).  The only thing being threatened by cracked teeth and disease is my body.  I am not my body.  Well that helps me, anyway. 

So to sum it all up, it isn't the circumstances that cause stress but our reaction to them. Our reactions are created my perceptions which are in turn created by our judgements. Let's go there to determine the cause of stress as well as the solution for it. 

All is well!

Unhappiness Addiction

 Most people are addicted to their suffering.  It is the ego's way to maintain a small, seperate little me that is constantly in conflict with the world.We are scared that without our suffering we won't really know who we are. 

Loner Wolf

Addiction to Unhappiness?

Is it possible to be addicted to unhappiness?  It certainly is, and I believe that most of us are to some degree.  

Eckhart Tolle teaches that it is the pain body (a big clump of stored memory, trauma and pain that was not released the way it could have been from the body because of mental resistance to it that become a hungry little psychic gremlin in most of us)  that likes suffeirng and for many of us the pain body is the dominate force in our relationships with others and with life.  We allow our emotions, without meaning to, to carry us off into the familiar path of "Look at me and how much I am suffering." As I witnessed in myself last evening, it often even goes beyond to the, "Not only look...but feel this suffering with me."  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j91ST2gtR44

 

I am getting better at recognizing when I am being carried off or have been carried off and I am able  to bring myself back more often than not.  And it is quite cool to be able to witness it happening . 

An Example

I got together with my sister and sister-in-law for a glass of wine  last evening.  It has been the first time I seen either of them in months.  As we were sharing how life was for each of us since we last were together, I caught myself sharing in this way: First I was deflective , not wanting to talk about myself because I didn't want to focus on the negative. When the conversation started to get a little negative, I joined in.   Then I began to share superficial neutral things in terms of emotional stimulation. As we progressed I began to share a little of the "heart ache" and as I did, I found myself 'getting something from it' .  I was getting lost in the idea of me as the victim again, the tragic heroine. I was mentally comparing my stressors with theirs.  Then I wanted to take it farther...I didn't...but I wanted to.  I wanted them to come along on this journey of misery with me.  I wanted them to "ooohh" and "awe" over my challenges.  They did to a degree.  But I wanted and expected more and more. Ego was whsipering in the background, "They are not validating you enough . You are looking for validation and you can not get it.  They  truly don't see or care what it has been like for you.  Add that to your list of woes." Then...I caught myself and what I was doing.  I pulled back and got quiet again.  I realized that this is a very familiar thing I do especially around my sister when I am talking about my life. Her "It is not that bad " response is very familiar too...it is just a practical minded attempt to keep me from getting stuck in a mindset of suffering and also a way to remove herself from the line of "guilt attack" the pain body of one always directs to another. 

Well I seen it all clearly last night and was so grateful that I did. ...before I got too lost in my negativity. It was like saying "no" to another drink. 

Being Aware of Addictive Potential

We are often addicted to our unhappiness.  It has some elusive but very powerful pull to it.  But just like drugs and alcohol...if we are not cautious and participating in moderation...we can get pulled down pretty fast by this addiction.

Just like admitting to having a problem is the first thing an alcoholic has to do in their recovery, recognizing and being aware of our problematic mind patterns is the first thing we have to do.  Recognize the pull negativity and unhappiness has on you and be mindful when you are offered an opportunity to share how it could go.  By all means share and vent to those who care when you need to to...but just be careful of the motivation behind it and how it affects you.  That's all. 

All is well.

Dana Prajna Paramita

 Even though something has no material or relative value to any "small I", it has value in itself.  Not to be attached to something is to be aware of its absolute value. Everything you do should be based on such an awareness, and not on material or self centered ideas of value.  Then whatever you do is true giving, is dana prajna paramita. 

Suzuki (1970) page 50

Hmm! I felt compelled to come here this morning and ask the questions I have been asking for years.  Am I truly giving?   Do I let go and detach from what I offer?  Who is doing the giving anyway...small I" or the "big I" ? 

I truly want to make the rest of my life about giving and I have so little "material" to give anymore.  All I can seem to have left to give is my presence, my learning and my words. Is it enough? 

Dana prajna paramita is true giving  on our crossing over to the  true wisdom of life  and giving is nonattachment.  So what I do here every morning...what is it? Is it dana prajna paramita? 

...to give one line, or even one word of teaching is dana prajna paramita. If given in the spirit of non attachment , the material offering and the teaching offering have the same value. page 49

I honestly do not know if my giving here  is done in the spirit of non attachment but I think it is.  I am not really seeking anything of material value from this, nor am I seeking recognition.  And really...the "small I" I knew would not put herself up on a blog site about such topics for random people to read ...she would be too concerned about what others would say or think.  And I do know, especially with the poetry that comes out here, it isn't 'me' doing the creating. It is much bigger than that. It is the "big I' that brings me here every morning to do what I do, and give what I give.

Actually, to create with the "big I"  is to give; we cannot create and own what we create for ourselves since everything was created by God. page 49

I know "small I" is definitely still around, checking to see if what I wrote was read, or if it sounded "okay".  I do my best to let go of what I write as soon as I write it, without judgement or concern for where it goes from there.  That feels so good when I can do that.  It is getting easier ...but ...I still don't "know" if what I do here has value or if  I have given up all my self centered ideas of value. I don't know.

Hmmm!  But this comforts me:

...to give one line of the teaching may be to make a ferry boat for someone. page 49

I like the idea that I just might be a small part of some Grand Plan for  making a ferry boat for someone to cross over to a better way of being.

All is well!

Shunryi Suzuki ( 2020) Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind 50th Anniversary Edition. Kindle edition

 Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending and hanging on.

Eckhart Tolle 

                                                              Miss my old friend! 

Grateful for Weeds

 You should be grateful for the weeds in your mind, because eventually they will enrich your practice.

Shunryu Suzuki (page 17)

Why do we refer to a dandlion as a weed and not a flower? 

Today I am going to talk about weeds.  Now I have written about weeds before asking the question, "Why do we make such a big distinction between the dandelion and the rose? Both have the same purpose in life, don't they?"

I have had great appreciation for the dandelion for a long time. I noticed how bees and butterflies flocked to them every spring as they waited for  the June frost to leave and the roses to bloom.  They were their intermediate food source. The dandelion serves a very, very important function.  

(Okay not a dandelion...but it is  a weed lol) 

Not Ugly; Not Beautiful

And I realized one day while I was shooting them, they are not "ugly" to anything but our  collective conditioned mind that says, "These are weeds.  They shouldn't be.  Mow them down so the lawns are perfect and orderly looking!"  Come on!  Nature isn't orderly nor is she meant to be.  Those dandelions are neither beautiful flowers or ugly weeds...they just are.  They are meant to be on our lawn for a very important reason! 

Resistance and "No Mow May"

I was so thrilled to hear of "No Mow May" in my parts. Environmentalists are encourging people not to mow their lawns in the month of May...to allow for dandelions to grow and  hopefully feed our drastically dwindling bee populatoin.  You do realize that without bees, the planet would not be pollinated...therefore there would be little food to sustain us humans?  We are so dependent not only on our pollinators but on the "weeds" they get pollen from. Yet every year we resist with a vengeance and mow down, or worse add more poison to the earth, in our resistance of these weeds. Weeds that could enrich our planet and at the very least allow for its survival. Yet we judge them as "bad, wrong and shouldn't be" and we struggle to destroy them. 

Even despite  this plea from environmentalists, I am only one of a few households that have not mowed.  Most people around me prefer a semblance of order to feeding bees. They remain unconscious.  That is not a judgement of righteousness on my part.  It is simply the way it is.  I do not blame my neighbours  for that or fight with them for that.  It is just the way it is.  All I can do is focus on my yard and that which I have control.  

Weeds in the Mind

Just like I can only focus on what is growing in my mind.  There are a lot of weeds up there, let me tell ya.  I used to think when I began practicing in my quest for serenity, that I need to struggle against, kill or mow down all the weeds I had in my mind...all the negative thoughts, all the nasty feelings.  I still operated under  the conditioned belief that many of us do.  "Cling to good...get rid of the bad".  In order to do that we had to first look to others to have them help us determine what ws good and what was bad.   Positive thoughts, circumstances and feelings were like the roses, negative thoughts, circumstances and feelings were like the dandelions. In our attempt to create orderly mind-lawns  many of us beleive we really have to get rid of mental weeds. 

Those weeds in our mind, just as the dandelions on our lawns do, serve a very important purpose.  They really do not differ from the roses and the petunias...in anything but our judgement of them. They can help nourish us. Simply allowing and accepting the so called "negative"  can help  pollinate a life of serenity for all of us. Resisting them and fighting against them, pulling them out with force, just keeps us from the peace we long for. Even if we pull them out...we must do so gently and effortlessly and then we leave them where they are to nourish the soil of our life expereince. 

What we resist persists

What I notice about thoughts and feelings  we resist ...is that they just persist more.  I notice too, when I look out at the yards that do not adhere to "No Mow May", the dandelions just grow back more ferociously. What we resist persists.

Anyway, I am learning to be grateful for the weeds on my lawn and the weeds in my mind.

All is well! 

Shunryu Suzuki (1970) Zen Mind, Beginners Mind. Shambhala

 Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.

Ralph Waldo Emersen 

My ego, as you know, leads me to my stats page every morning so I can read what others have recently read.  I came across something from February 2017 about an opposite challenge practice I was doing. In that entry I used  my inability to maintain  my household in a way I liked as the example of what I didn't want in my present set of circumstances. The last column of a working chart depicts the tangible and measurable specifics of what I wanted . Since that entry I will highlight in that column what I actually manifested or came to be.   It is pretty cool. 

What I don’t want in my life right now that I might be stuffing or resisting	I accept	What I want in my life ...the Opposite of what I don't want	Things that will assist this to happen
I have  a house right now that is often dirty, messy, cluttered, dusty, smelly, full of dog hairs, with an oven in desperate need of cleaning, floors that never look clean even when they are. I feel too tired to do more than I am doing and it is getting out of control.  It is chaotic.  I and the kids are embarrassed to have people over because of it.  My daughter is ashamed of it and I feel guilt and shame for this part of my parenting…I am not providing a clean enough environment for my children.  I also worry that others…neighbors and her friends and their parents might not understand my predicament and think I am lazy and neglecting my children because of the state of my house. I do what I can but it is obviously not enough	I accept that my house is not the way I want it or believe it should be right now and that I am not keeping up with 100% of my parenting responsibility; nor am I meeting social expectations....during this time I perceive a lack of energy, and prioritize differently than others might	I want a cleaner home: one that smells fresh when you walk in the door and is free of clutter of shoes both on the matt and or in the mudroom, with walls that look fresh and clean.  I want clean countertops that are limited in harmful bacteria, sinks that look clean, crumb free bread box and utensil drawers. Clean and fresh looking cupboards inside and out, clean stove and oven, clean fridge, a floor that looks clean and is easy to manage, clean windows, tidy table, clean hardwood floors through out, paw print and nose print free glass on French doors, garbage and recyclables organized and hidden from view (and smell), bright airy living room with a couch that is dog hair free (or contained to pet covers that stay in place), clean bathrooms with  laundry organized and put away, clean bedrooms that are completely floored, and limited in pet hair and smell,  Clean, freshly painted  basement stairs and basement …creating a fresh smelling, dust free and welcoming atmosphere for the kids to hang out.    To feel good about welcoming people in to my home.	We could     hire someone to come in to do the heavy cleaning (They may need to pressure hose the whole house down :)) Hire someone to come in once a week      Throw out half the stuff I am clinging to that is adding to clutter         New stone counters that are easy to clean and care for ,I didn't get stone counters...out of myprice range  at this point..but I faux painted my countertops marble with my daughter's help...looked pretty cool for a while.  Paint cupboards with easy to clean paint....daughter and I used a cabinet refinishing kit and painted them a lovely colour Paint walls, purchase a better easy to use mop that I can run through the house twice a week with purchase better garbage/recycling disposal systems for inside and out Purchase a Roomba vacuum to vacuum for me when I am too tired. (which is always lol)  This will help to keep the pet hair down to a minimum...got one as a gift Remove wall between kitchen and living room to open up the space, allow for more air and light to circulate...created a large opening for a pass through lunch counter...really made a difference with the light Better pet covers on furniture Kids to regularly help with chores (do their own laundry!)  Air purifiers Self cleaning oven...when D. move din after his house fire I adopted his brand new self cleaning oven Dishwasher New kitchen floor that is easy to clean ( no grouting!) Minimalize...remove lots of the furniture

I have everything but the dishwasher  and hired help checked off ...isn't that cool?  I wasn't even aware I was completing my list as the things showed up. 

Just thought I would share!

All is well. 

Life Is Difficult

 

Life is difficult! 

Scott Peck , opening line of The Road Less Travelled. 

That is a very powerful statement, isn't it? Off-putting even? I remember when I picked up Peck's book for the first time over twenty years ago and I read that line, I was like What? Who would want to read a book that begins like that? 

I think I actually put the book down and wanted nothing to do with it.  At the time, I was looking for inspiration and "feel good" stuff not books that slapped you across the face with the truth I was trying to run from, Life is difficult!

I did end up picking it up again and reading the whole thing.  It was a game changer but in order to be transformed by Peck's words I had to first get through (not over, not around, not under...but through) that statement of absolute truth. Life is difficult.

Is that not, the first truth in Buddhist teachings, "Suffering exists" and are those seeking the freedom from suffering not told that they must first accept and allow for the reality that suffering is a part of life?

I have spent the first portion of my life, avoiding, denying, stuffing, running from and numbing from pain, trauma and challenge so as not to have to deal with this notion that suffering exists or that life is difficult. I was trying to control, fix, manipulate and paint the world "out there"  in rosy colours so I didn't have to feel anything akin to suffering "in here." By the time I picked up Peck's book, in my  thirties, I was exhausted by my efforts and was starting to realize that all the positive thinking, affirmations and visualizing  were not getting me anywhere.  I was not peaceful...anythng but. So that line , Life is difficult, was not only the reason I put the book down...it was the reason I picked it up again.  

This is a great truth. One of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it.Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters. Scott Peck

Like I said this book, once I got through that line, was a game changer for me. It changed the way I was approaching life. Instead of running from pain and suffering I began, albeit slowly, to walk towards it and lean into it. I wanted to understand what Life was all about and knew that I first had to understand what suffering was all about so I took the journey I was already on a little deeper. I took it inward and began what many would call more of a "spiritual" seeking than a superficial one. I, however, am not sure I would even call it a spiritual mission, I embarked on.  It just seemed to be a natural  step in my evolution as a human being. 

Recognizing When Someone Isn't There Yet

Yesterday, I spoke on the phone to a loved one who still is where I was before I accepted the fact that Life is difficult. Even though the trauma she endured, the twists of fate  that landed on her shoulders again and again  were like out of this world in terms of testing the human psyche...even though this inescapable  pain has etched its signature in deep dark lines inside her making her bleed all over the place ...she still refuses to turn inward and deal with her suffering.  She runs and runs and runs from it and despite how exhausting it must be she refuses to stop, turn around and face it. After decades of doing the same thing she still doesn't see how obvious her flawed escape plan is to all who watch her run. It breaks my heart.  

I used to exhaust myself chasing after her with my "You need to stop!"and  a mirror in my hand..  "Look!  Look!  Look!" but she just ran around me or over me. My mind was full of "This is bad!  This is wrong!  This shouldn't be!" ...It took me a long time to simply accept that  it simply was.  It was and is what it is. 

Over the years we ( her loved ones)  even threw more than a few obstacles in her path to trip her and slow her down but she just got up and kept going.We put up more than a few road blocks ...she maneuvered around them.  It got too painful to watch...so we walked away.  I am back now, with my new way of approaching Life...watching from a distance, opening my heart  but at the same time I accept there is nothing I can do beyond calling out to her, "I see you bleeding. I know you are in pain. I love you and I am here whenever you are ready to stop." Hmm! 

We cannot run forever, can we?  Even though her fear of her pain is greater than her desire for peace right now...she cannot run forever. Someday, in one way or another, she will realize that it is far easier to accept suffering than it is to spend a life time running from it , won't she?  Well that is my prayer for her...that someday she will stop running, transcend suffering and experience the peace she so deserves. 

Anyway, Life is difficult and knowing that is a wonderful thing...

You are not your life situation, you are Life. 

 Eckhart Tolle

All is well! 

Scott Peck ( 1978) The Road less Travelled.Simon and Shuster

The Background of Perfect Harmony

 When we lose our balance we die, but at the same time we also develop ourselves, we grow. Whatever we see is changing, losing its balance. The reason everything looks beautiful is because it is out of balance, but its background is always in perfect harmony...everything appears to be in the form of suffering [if we do not realize the background].  But if you understand the background of existence, you realize that suffering itself is how we live, and how we extend our life. page 12

I have been inspired to read , Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind. And by inspired I mean I forgot to stop a run of videos from automatically playing on my computer when I walked away from my screen yesterday and when I came back, hours later, I heard the audio version of this book playing and it was like, "Aha! I need to read/listen to this book." So that is what I am doing. You may call it an unrelated coincidence, or "airy-fairy" nonsense...I choose to call it being inspired.  :)  

Foreground

So this chapter, I am reading now, is all about understanding the difference between the foreground and background of our existence. In the foreground we see things that are beautiful and ugly...you cannot have beautiful without an ugly; right and wrong...cannot have a right without a wrong and good and bad...can't have a good without a bad. When something is seen as beautiful...it is out of balance...the pendulum has swung too much to one side.

But...

Background

The background on which this foreground plays out is always balanced and in harmony...because it is the middle way, the stilled pendulum, the midway point between beautiful and ugly, right and wrong, or good and bad.  It is here where there is no duality. ...a merging of both poles. So if we are aware of this spcious background  we can just look at suffering as a necessary part of the foreground .  In order to swing to joy, we had to have swung to suffering, in order to return to harmony...we must first have experienced chaos. So suffering, then, makes us aware of our every changing foreground and from there we can desire and return to balanced harmony of the background.  

Only in this spacious background, will we have order and control. 

To give your sheep or cow a large, spacious meadow is the way to control him.page 13

It is All about Letting Go

It is all about letting go and letting be...that which is. Be aware...observe the natural flow of order and disorder without trying to control, manipulate and fix the chaos in the outer world  in a futile attempt to bring order to your psyche.  Just gently bring your awareness to the spacious background and  let it go! There you will find harmony and control.  

The true purpose is to see things as they are, and to let everything go as it goes.  This is to put everything under control in its widest sense. page13-14

All is well. 

Shunryu Suzuki (2020) Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind. 50th Anniversary Edition. Shambala: Colorado

The Whole Works

 The information contained in the image of yourself...is an extremely inadequate image so when you feel you are a lonely, put upon, isolated little stranger confronting all that is...you have an illusionary feeling because the truth is reversed...you are the whole works that there is, that always was and always has been and always will be. 

Alan Watts 

Go along with it!

Shot at Niagra Falls in August, 2015.  Not sure of specs...have to go back to data. 

Alan Watts/Wiara. (Oct 2017) Watch your thoughts and feelings. https://wwhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sT-VLNrk-F8 

Ever Present Reality

 Synchronicity is the ever present reality for those who have eyes to see.

C.G.Jung

From Dream to Reality

Okay we are still on the topic of synchronicty because, lo and behold, the dream I had two nights ago that woke me up in a state of panick telling me  that something had to be done because if it wasn't the person would have a confrontation with the authorities over it. ...happened, just as I dreamt it would. 

When I awoke from the dream  at five am I had the strongest feeling that this something  had to get done before the weekend was over. ...that we couldn't wait until Monday as he so wanted to do. So I spent all of Saturday assisting this individual to get this thing done but it never got done.  After spending hours on it,  I realized I had done all I can do...the rest was up to him.  I then felt the serenity needed to let go.  I still worried about what might happen but knew it was beyond my control.  I did my part: I listened to the dream, heeded the sense of warning in it;  I had told him about it and shared  the sense of urgency I got from it and I strongly suggested he believe it enough to  take action..  He laughed it off as "woo-woo".  

I proceeded to take care of the situation on my own in order to to release my own sense of concern the dream installed in me and then I let go of it. 

Beginning to Doubt?

Nothing happened Saturday. I began to doubt.  

Though I spent the weekend having  this intense startle reaction every time I heard a siren....by 5 PM on Sunday, still nothing. Doubt and other people's reaction to my dream started to play with my faith. 

By six that evening I was discounting everything, asking myself who the heck I thought I was...a freaking psychic or something? Why would I be given such a gift...am I having delusions of Grandeur? What is wrong with me? 

My conditioning and other people's opinion kind of  crept in as time went on, clouding my trust that there might be  something to this dream...even though my gut kept saying. "Listen!  Listen!  Listen!"  

I really began to believe that nothing would happen and told myself  if the weekend went by with nothing happening, like it probably would, then I had to face the fact I was just  being silly, lost in the wanting to believe in the Something Greater of  synchronicity  rather than  having a revelation that I can believe.  Sigh!  It felt so good to believe.

Then I get a call shortly after 7.  It happened.  

From Doubt to Faith

My dream became a reality with many, if not most of the things I dreamt taking place :  intersection, baby in car, female officer...seeking exactly that which we did not get done. 

The person directly involved  still did not get excited over the fact  that it happened the way it did after I woke him up and told him I had "one of my dreams" and that  he had to take care of this thing before the  weekend was over!  Some others in my household just said it was a freaky coincidence. and seemed nonplused about it.   Those, however,  who have been keeping tabs on what they refer to as my "freaky-witchy"  nature were amazed once again...but the "males" in my life weren't.

Amazed into Faith

I was amazed!  I was completely blown away by the accuracy of the turn of events and by how I knew when I had the dream, it was "one of those".  You have to understand something...this thing he had  not going on was not going on for well over a year!  There was well over 365 days for this to happen. Is it not beyond mere coincidence, then, to have it happen after seeing it  happening so clearly in a dream...that by the way interrupted another dream like some emergency broadcast message... giving me a time frame in which it will happen and describing in some detail how it will happen?  

Fortunately, the consequence I was expecting, which could have been life changing instigating such a panick reaction in me, did not happen.   So I was given the amazing gift of him getting off easy, at the same time being pushed by external forces, other than me,  to get done what should have been done long ago and most importantly, I was given the revelation that I can trust my inner guidance. It was almost like it all happened the way it did to remind me that I could. It  seemed like it was more  a gift for me, than  a warning for him! 

I was literally high on that revelation. It was like "Wow!  It happened again.  There really is something to this, beyond random coincidence! Maybe I do have very reliable inner guidance system and  gut instinct." 

Wanting to Leave it At Amazed! 

Now ...that is where I want to leave that...ooohhing and ahhhing over the mystery of Life; the sensing of  this Force that is so much greater  than what we can see and understand in this world ; the hope and the peace one gets when they realize they are open and connecting  to this  amazing ...whatever It is. It is like Wow! 

Will Ego let me leave it there? 

The question of concern is...can I leave it there when I am far from evolved?  You see, I sense Redeemer ego creeping in and wrapping his greedy little fingers around this. "Hmm!  Maybe you are a little more worthy than we and the world originally thought. Maybe you have a "special" gift, meaning that maybe you are special."  

Beware of "Special"

"Special" is a road blocking term on the road to waking up. That right there sets little warning bells off in my head.  I hear an internal warning not to go there...not to give this thing, that would probably happen to every single person on the planet if we were all open and inspired, to a seperate little ego who would run off and do damage with it ...and ultmately close this mind and body I refer to as "me"  down from receiving it. 

Redeemer ego  could, if I don't stay aware,  take the "I" in "I have a special gift"...and make it about "me" when it has nothing to do with this clump of flesh and personality I call "me"...It is much grander and more universal than that and then go on to compare "me"  to others in the seperation game ego so loves. ...  "And if you have something others don't have, you are special... and if you are "special" you are more than what they are."  

In reality, it is much more simple than that.  Every now and again, I , as an expression of Life, find myself open to those dormant faculties Patanjali spoke about. 

We all have them.  The question is are we open to them? Sometimes I am open and sometimes I close them off.  Sometimes these faculties wake up and scream to come through and if I am open just a smigeon they come through.  Other times, it is an intense openness in me that allows my consciousness to reach in and shake these fcaulties from deep sleeep. It is all about being open to that which exists beyond the visible, material realm of existence. There is Something/No-thing Greater there. 

Anyway, I believe that synchronicity is also at play here for your benefit as well. This dream and its manifestation happened while we were talking about synchronicity .  Do you not see that there was that Greater Something at play, providing a real time example of synchronicity for me to share with you in real time? How amazing is that? 

It is all just so amazing to me! 

Anyway,  All is well! 

Some Great Purpose

 

When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all of your thoughts break their bonds. Your mind transcends limitations; your consciousness expands in every direction; and you find yourself in a new, great and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive and you discover yourself to be a greater person than you ever dreamed yourself to be.

Patanjali

Hmm! Today I am focusing on the last sentence, Dormant forces, faculities and talents become alive...to go with our recent discussion on synchronicty.  Something amazing does happen when we are open to the wisdom of the Higher Self, when we are following our bliss, heeding our calling, listening to the muses...however, else you may want to describe inspiration. Things you never even realized you had within you come to life through synchronicity. 

There is a dormant force that comes to life in me when I sit to allow a poem through.  Man, my rational mind does not want to write poetry and it especially does not want me to put it out there or here...but when  some little voice inside me says "poem!" (and I don't mean that literally) I have learned over the eyars to stop resisting and  I sit my butt down. I write a poem.  

Certainly doesn't feel like a great purpose, or an extraordinary project to little "me" but I guess it is important to something within me.  I literally do not even know what I am going to write...one or two lines will kind of "come to me" and then the fingers do the rest.  They come out fast and a lot of times they come out pretty awful lol.  I may revise or  edit and if I do that is the only real ego involvement in it. Otherwise it is totally beyond me. My thoughts break their bonds and my mind transcends limitations.  

The thing about any poem I write is that there are so many synchronistic events that come to my awareness after writing it ...I will hear people referring to the lines in my poem or see something similar  in other context and then I will understand what my poem meant and why I wrote it.  I am so totally disconnected to the actual process and at the same time I am so completely swept away by it. I do not understand it. 

Remember Jung's approach to synchronicity offered in the quote from two days ago? Now...what I do not want to do is paint this process of writing poetry and the synchronicity that follows  as a mystical, fantastical or magical experience.  I want to strip off the magic, fantasy and superstition. I want, for some reason, to remove the "woo-woo" so it is viewed as a real learning opportunity  that involves moving us toward something we have yet to truly understand.

 

What I am learning to do with my poetry, and synchronicity in general,  is the same thing Carolyn Myss says we should do with living: approach  it with no judgement, expectation or concern about what will happen next.

We are ll being taken along some path to some great purpose...let's let go our need to lead and control this journey... and simply follow. 

All is well.

.