Home is not a place. It is a feeling you carry with you wherever you go.
I am preaparing to leave this house I lived in for almost twenty years. I am starting to grieve a bit. I silently sent a thought of gratitude to it for the way it took me in at a difficult point in my life, wrapping its walls around me and my family, protecting us and keeping us warm and safe. More than anything it became this amazing sanctuary for me to heal in. I am so, so grateful for it!
I didn't treat it well. I struggled with maintaining ownership of it since I first went off work sick in 2011. That was hard but I was determined to do what I could to keep a roof over my childrens' heads and somehow I did! I both hated it and loved it after that and it became a somewhat neglected partner. I stopped caring for it the way I could have. Still, it was so forgiving. It continued to be a sanctuary for me to begin awakening in. I will miss this one spot in the house to which I became attached....the dining room with four windows that allow so much light to come in from either side. I wrote so much here. I can see this amazing yard as I look out. And that yard out there with the giant trees full of so much Life has become my most faithful companion. The peace and solace I found out there when things in here got tough showed me how sacred this place is. For that reason, I have buried or spread the ashes of so many beloved pets, that once ran joyfully from corner to corner of it, under those trees, as well. They too have become a part of that yard. This spot vibrates with an energy I will miss so much! Oh God, the growth I have done here. So, so grateful!!
And I know it is time to fill it once again with the love it deserves. Soon the floors will be echoing the pitter patter of little feet, the sound of childrens's laughter will be bouncing off its walls again. This house will embrace that young life, I know it will, and that life will embrace it. I like to think I am giving the house and this yard what it needs, and more importantly I like to think I am giving others I love what they need, enfolding them in the arms of this space that I once thought was "my home".
It was never mine. I just had the opportunity to experience it for awhile and I am so grateful. Now it is time to step back and let others experience Life on this little corner of an intersection, in a tiny neighborhood, in a section of a small city, in a tiny province found in one country, in one of seven continents on this small spinning planet, in a tiny solar system, in a massive galaxy which just happens to be one of trillions. Sigh! What a tiny, tiny sliver of geography we get to experience our lives on. It is best not to get attached to any of it...love those spots, honor them, take care of them, recognize their sacredness potential and live fully in them but don't get too attached. Though I am leaving this spot for another...I take a part of this energy with me because it has become entangled in this human's experience. I also leave some of this human's energy behind because I added to it. Everything is still all connected in one way or another and just because we leave a physical space to move to another, we cannot disentangle from it. We just spread that energy wider.
I am going to grieve a bit as I pack up. Everytime I look out those windows I can feel the knot in my gut and the tears coming up in release. This is like saying goodbye to a good old friend....It isn't easy but the emotional experience does not have to be judged as good or bad, right or wrong, should be or shoudn't be. It just is. What I am experiencing is just a human reaction to change and change is the way of evolution and growth, isn't it?
It is all good.
All is well.
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