Adapting

 

It is not the strongest of a species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most resilient and responsive to change.

Charles Darwin

I am sitting  in this new spot in a place about 25 minutes away from where my heart still calls "home" and I keep reciting the quote I recently picked up about change: The beginning of a change can be difficult; the middle of a change can be downright messy; and the end of a change can be gorgeous.  Well...I am nowhere near gorgeous lol. 

A few hours after my last entry we closed the door behind us here, sighed, and I was knocked off my feet by a flu bug.... the one I was dodging and ignoring for days. It was wicked.  It still is wicked.  After 11 days I am still barely able to get from the couch to the kitchen...and believe me...in this shoe box...that isn't very far lol. The week is a blur...the move in is a blur, Christmas is a blur; the seven hour wait in Emergency on Christmas day is a blur (after thinking I was getting better I started to get the symptoms of pneumonia again and wanted to catch it before it brewed into something I couldn't handle...how I ended up regretting that decision to be proactive  lol. Seven hours of shivering/shaking with chills and coughing up a bloody storm I was the very last person since my arrival to ER to be called in because I was triaged as the most non-urgent case there. I wasn't lol...but for some reason I needed that familiar sensitivity trigger of being unvalidated on top of everything else the week provided...sigh).  

That just added to the blur of coming back to this place I still can not seem to call home...where nothing got put away ( basically because there is no place to put anything). The growing piles were taunting me from every corner as they got bigger and bigger. I was having a hard time breathing anyway but that sense of claustophobia just added to the distress...it was overwhelming.  It did not feel like "home". Normally, I go "outdoors" when I need to feel the spaciousness but I literally could barely lift my head off the pillow. I felt I was drowning and this little house was becoming more and more inhospitable to my mind. I found myself crying out, "I want to go home...I just want to go home. What have I done?" 

What have I done?

I try to remind myself why I made this decision in the first place.  I know it was for the "greater good" of which the "me" is only a tiny, tiny part.  Yet, this "me" has been inflammed by this bug, and the ER trigger, and the lack of "personal space and comfort" it finds itself dealing with. It has become so swollen it is hard to see around it to the more lasting reasons for this decision..Sigh!

Adapting?

Having a moment adapting to change, I suppose.  There is so much this "me" needs to adapt to that goes well beyond "physical comfort". I need to find connection with my greater Self here...somehow.  I need to connect to this land somehow. It is, afterall,  an ancient and sacred land that surrounds us here...I want to feel that somehow.  I don't know.  I guess, it all begins with a good breath of air and a walk outside. (For now...I would be happy with a good breath of air...lol).

We will all get there...to that place we are meant to be... somehow. We will adapt or move on like all living cells in Darwinian biology learn to do.

All is well.