You have one choice to make  in life from where you are standing right now: To feel better or to feel worse.
Paraphrased from the words of  many wonderful teachers

Only One choice

Doesn't that just make everything seem so simple?  To think we have only one choice in life to make, regardless of what is happening to us or what is going around us, makes our attempts to understand what to do as we proceed through life  much less complicated, doesn't it?  I know I feel great relief as I utter those words to myself.

You see, I am like most people (probably a little worse than many) when it comes to my awful habit of paddling up stream.  I forever find myself working harder than I have to to get things done so I can achieve what I think will make me feel better. 

Just yesterday I spent extra hours working on my course trying to get things marked for students in a hurry, thinking that it would please them and make me appear more efficient at my job. (I  tend to feel less than because of my physical limitations. I don't like feeling less than productive and  I tend to overcompensate at work).

Paddle!  Paddle! Paddle!

So yesterday, when my body wanted nothing more than to rest, I paddled with all the might my little arms could muster up stream. It was a struggle. I didn't feel well, got weak a couple of times, frustrated, pushed past that feeling...paddle, paddle, paddle, ...found myself angry and resentful over the lack of appreciation received from students  despite how much work I was doing; angry with my body for not allowing me to put more work in; blaming those outside forces like medicine and the insurance company for not helping me enough...paddle! paddle! paddle!

I started to get more and more negative as I slipped down the emotional scale to guilt and shame for working only a limited amount of hours when the college and students needed  more of me...paddle, paddle, paddle...hours went by and I had chest discomfort and palpitations (my sign to stop)...nope...I told myself, "If I sacrifice myself a little bit more, do more, put more effort in...I will feel the way I want to feel"...which was good or better than (the total opposite of less than) ... paddle, paddle, paddle.

What Did I Accomplish with all the Paddling?

So I finished what I set out to do and did I get what I wanted from the process? Did  I feel the way I wanted to feel?  I did work wise...for a moment I felt efficient and productive but that was it.   I felt unwell physically; frustrated, guilty  and resentful emotionally; and completely fried and unable to participate in a healthy way socially when I got home.  I didn't feel like "more than" anywhere but at work.  Yuck! Now I have a whole other stream of class 5 rapids to get through.

What happened in the above scenario? 

I felt something I didn't want to feel ...this less than feeling of inadequacy.  That led me to realize what I do want if even on a subconscious level...to feel like more than...to feel productive, efficient, like I can do it all.  This more than feeling...I am subconsciously convinced will lead  me to the higher goal of wellness and normalcy I long for.  So with the something I don't want comes the desire for the thing I do want.  Abraham describes this realization of what we want  as "the launching of a rocket of desire." Life Source recognizes, agrees with and instantaneously makes it happen in some vibrational energy field that is yet to become our reality somewhere down the stream. It is there already.  We asked and we received.  Our job is to get to it.  Then it will be a part of our reality.

How do we get to it?

We get it by getting there, by going with the flow of life, by matching our emotional worthiness with the life we want.  It is not about doing.  It is about trusting in those biblical words of wisdom, "Ask and you shall receive." And it is about allowing Life to take us there to what we receive as soon as we ask. We get what we want when we believe we deserve it and when we concentrate on feeling good!  It is that simple! Life wants us to have this desire. The ride there is all downstream.


Getting it all mixed up

Somewhere along the line, however, most of us  get it all mixed up. Most of us do what I did yesterday.  I, like many of you,  am caught up in this belief system that I have to "do" something to get where I want to be. I do not trust life to get me there. I tell myself  if I work really, really hard...and push against the current of my life as it is right now; if I paddle, paddle, paddle with all my might upstream...it may happen. I believe, like most of us do, that working hard, doing more, sacrifice and struggle is  the only way to get what we want from life.

So I resist what is and make my way upstream.  It doesn't feel good.  In fact sometimes it feels down right  awful and the fact that it doesn't feel good is Life's way of telling me: "Listen Chickie...you are going the wrong way...what you want is down this way...put down the damn paddle and let me take you there!" But do I listen?  No...I  reply to that feeling..."Stop being so foolish...that is all "fairy hairy nonsense."  Life isn't suppose to be easy.  We need to sweat and suffer a bit so we deserve what it is we are looking for.  The more we suffer, the more deserving we are.  I just have to paddle harder, that's all! " We keep pushing and the more we push in the wrong direction, the worse we feel.  We make a choice out of habit to feel worse.

So here we are paddling upstream, not getting anywhere near the thing we want.  The further away from it and Source we go...the worse we feel.  We feel frustrated.  Then we have to rationalize why we feel so bad...we look for people, circumstances, forces to blame for why we are so far away from what we want.  We blame Life for being too hard.  We blame our past, our present, our spouse, our boss, the neighbour down the street.  We feel angry. We draw our focus even more onto what it is "we don't want"  and those things we don't want seem to keep popping up in little boats all around us. We feel worse.  We feel we need to do more. We travel  more upstream.  We get farther away from our goal.  We begin to feel shame and guilt...farther still.  Despair and hopelessness.  We are at this point so far away it seems we will never get back. What do we do now?

Realize and accept that it is you taking you where you are going. 

You are the one paddling the boat, not the circumstances, not the people, not the luck that seems to be attacking you.  You are the one paddling upstream.  You are choosing, not necessarily consciously, but you are choosing to feel worse with every stroke of your paddle in the direction other than what life intends. You are choosing to feel worse.  Life travels  downstream...it is a natural flow of energy that requires little effort on our part.  God has our backs...the flow God provides is one of grace and ease.  When you have anything but that...you are resisting.  You are choosing to feel worse. I chose to feel worse yesterday when I could have chosen to feel better.

Make another choice.  Choose to feel better. 

That is not a tremendous leap of faith is it?  To simply say to your self, "I am going to choose to feel better."   You are not asking to be taken down the stream instantaneously.  You are not asking for everything you want to be handed to you right away. You are not expecting to go from feeling despair to joy in one split second.  All you are choosing is to feel better.  You put down the paddles and turn ever so slightly toward the loving, abundant, cooperative flow of Life as it is right now...instead of away from it. 

Decide to go with the flow, rather than against it.

So if I notice, as I did yesterday, that after a long paddle I am feeling despair....thinking I will never get to where I want to be....I simply change that thought so I feel better...the next level of better.  What is up from despair? Guilt?  Guilt is an awful emotion but it is a step up from hopelessness. I may say to myself, "Look at what I am doing.  I am not contributing enough.  This is unfair to the students and the college."  So even if I go from feeling  despair to feeling guilt..I am feeling better.  I am now pointed in the other direction, at least.  I am heading toward what I want. I turn the boat around and begin to go with the flow by  going backwards from the thinking I did yesterday. I go from guilt to anger and blame.  I start thinking about how angry I am and how unfairly I was treated.  I definitely do not want to stay here but it is a step up from guilt and shame.  From anger I go to acceptance maybe, "It is what it is." ...from acceptance to  hope "I am not where I want to be right now but I can get there in time."...from hope to peace "I am on my way to where I want to be but I am enjoying the moment as it is right now, right here."  etc etc. When I do this  I am flowing in the stream of Life and I don't even have to paddle.  I will notice that more positive things are coming my way...or at least as I become more positive I will see more positive things in life.  This positive focus will take me down the stream faster.  The better I feel the faster I go. The closer I get to the life I want, the more in tune I am with the energy that is taking me there...the more joy I feel. All I have to do is change the way I think so I feel better, one emotion at a time.

I accept that better is enough and enough is better than where I am.  With every upgrading of emotion into the positive, I am growing.  I am expanding.  I am turning in the right direction.  I am flowing downstream with Life's support rather than fighting against it.  Isn't that  an amazing thing?

All is well in my world.

Go with the Flow

Did you know you can paddle upstream your whole life, make yourself miserable for one reason or another and  when you croak you're going to go with the flow.
Abraham

Letting the Rapids Guide

I once went white water rafting with friends and family.  We travelled down class  4- 5 rapids which was obviously quite intense.  We paddled but the purpose was not to go against the current but to keep us with it. The current was going to  take us, regardless of what we did,  down stream.

 I remember the guide lecturing us, before we started, on what to do should we fall in.  We were told to relax with toes pointing up and to just let the water take us.  We were assured that the river would carry us to where we had to go. We were strongly warned not to fight it. You cannot fight against level 5 rapids and win :)  One would get pretty beat up and would likely drown in the effort of resistance.  I was not so sure that I would be able to relax in the water if I went over. 

I didn't quite have the faith the guide did in the flow. So, hoping that we would never have to test that faith,  we buckled up in our protective gear, and off we went while I clung desperately to the paddle.  It proved to be a terrifying, wonderful and exciting adventure.

Life's Rapids and Paddling Down Stream

I compare that ride to the ride life offers.   Life is like a river...sometimes it has  rapids and sometimes it is smooth sailing...but there is a natural rhythm and flow heading in the "right" direction.  There is an up stream and a down stream.

All we have to do, to get where we are meant to be, is paddle in the right direction down stream.  Heck we do not have to paddle at all if there is a current ( and there is always a current when we are talking about energy)...it will take us there.  The faster the water (energy vibration we create with our desire) the faster we will get there.

The Flow of Source Energy

So we could think, as Abraham suggests, that our wanting something from life is like putting our raft in at the bow of the river.   They refer to the river as the flow of Divine Source energy that is always going in the right direction taking us to that thing we are wanting. If we just relax into the flow which would mean putting away the effort of paddling or  laying down, if we fall in, with our feet up...and above all ...enjoy the ride...we will get to where we want to be. If, however, we do what most people do...fight the stream, paddle against it, go in the opposite direction...travel upstream instead of down stream ... it will take a lot longer to get to where we want to be and we will become completely beat up and exhausted in the process. Hmm!

Why Do We Travel Upstream Against the current?

For some reason the majority of us travel upstream against life because that is what we were brought up to do.  We are taught at an early age that if we want to get what we want from life we have to work hard at it, fight for it and push, push, push against it. Ironically, this struggling often takes us further away from the life we want rather than closer to it...because to struggle  requires going in the opposite direction.  We anticipate and expect resistance...resistance can be only achieved by going upstream. We choose to paddle upstream.

Going with the flow of life, downstream, requires no effort, no resistance, no struggle.  What it does require, however,  is a letting go of a need to control the process and a faith that Life knows what it is doing.  If we choose this direction we will get to where we are going a lot sooner, we will come out of the boat a lot less bruised or exhausted and we will likely enjoy the ride life provided a lot more. Yet, many of us are afraid to trust and let go of that paddle.

So what can one do to change direction? 

1. The first thing we need to do is recognize what direction we are going in.  Are you going upstream or downstream?   When we feel a struggle...when it just doesn't "feel" right; when we are noticing those negative emotions like resentment, anger, frustration , fear or despair...or when we notice that we just don't seem to be getting to where we want to be...it is likely that we got the boat pointing upstream and we are paddling like crazy further away from the life we want. 
2. Then, we make a choice.  It is so simple...we have two choices to make in how we approach life.  We can decide to paddle up stream or flow downstream.  So easy! Most of us, upon realizing the futility of fighting a current just to get further away from the things we want in life...would choose to flow easily and peacefully down a stream that was going to take us to the thing we want, right? Make the choice.
3. Let go and turn around to life.  All it takes, in a current, is the act of letting go of the paddle to turn the boat  around.  Life energy is a powerful energy with a natural flow.  It knows where it is going and it is going there with or without our cooperation.  Once we stop resisting, however, we allow life to take over. If  we simply stop paddling, stop trying so hard...we will notice that the boat turns on its own.  Before long it will be pointing in the direction of the life we want.   We will know we are going in the right direction by how we feel: relief, a certain acceptance, hope, peace and the closer to our dream life that we get...the more joy we will feel.

The ride downstream  may not be the fastest ride but it will be a far easier one without the struggle that gets us nowhere.  In the meantime we can relax in the flow of life.   We can just lay back and enjoy the journey because that ultimately  is what life is all about.

All is well in my world.

Those who flow as life flows know they need no other source.
Lao Tzu

Happy Saint Patty's Day!!!

Even if you do not have a drop of Celtic blood in you...may your day be blessed with the luck of the Irish. (Luck...being the joy of life, the love for music and storytelling, the commitment to family and the bliss of laughter....with or without the whiskey or the Guinness.)  :)

All is well!

Therefore when I considered this carefully, the contempt I had to fear because of the novelty and apparent absurdity of my view, nearly induced me to abandon utterly the work I had begun.
Nicolaus Copernicus

Don't let fear stop you from questioning the way things appear to be!

All is well in my world.

To know that we know what we know, and we do not know what we do not know, that is true knowledge.
Nicolaus Copernicus

The Importance of Keeping Our vibrations Up

What do I write about today? Hmm...how I feel?  That is boring for others I know but I guess it relates to what I am writing about lately: The need to "feel good" to keep our vibrational energies up. 

Having the lives we want  is all about unblocked vibration, right?  When we talk about reaching our potentials...which are probably much more unlimited than we can ever imagine with these limited minds...  we are talking about the need to match the vibration of what it is we want with our emotional energy flow. It is thought and emotion that creates the reality we are experiencing.  

Just Science

I have to stress here that this "co-creating",  "manifesting", "law of attraction"  thing ...to me ...is just science, one that prescribes to certain laws of physics and energy flow. I am questioning it, testing it but I do not know it...yet. :)  

I am aware that many see it is hocus pocus stuff that meets a great deal of resistance in  pre-established belief systems.  As I mentioned before these ideas may even cause "fear" in some.   It has never been my intention to make others uncomfortable as I philosophize may way through this understanding.  At the same time, I can not hold back on my exploration of things like this simply because it may make certain people uncomfortable. 

Imagine if Copernicus said he was not going to keep looking at the sky  and was going to stop telling others what he was concluding because it made some people, wrapped in the comfort of untested belief, a little uncomfortable. We would still be thinking the earth rather than the sun was the center of our solar system. Are you glad we know the difference?

Do we as human beings strive for comfort or knowledge? 

Well I suppose we want both...but because of our inherent need for growth and expansion...I would have to guess we would strive for knowledge over comfort.  That is of course, if fear is not in the way. 

What is fear? 

It is one of those  emotions that blocks the flow of energy through us and to us.  It is a hand up...when life starts sending things our way ...that says "Nope!  Take it back.  Don't want that!"   Fear is the thing that holds you back when you want to go exploring life, telling you there is too much "danger" in that adventure.  Fear is the manager of the limiting belief system in our minds that gets us holding onto the idea that we are limited, vulnerable, constantly at risk" so we work hard to build separation, defense and attack plans. Fear is the guard at the border crossing between knowledge and ignorance that refuses to open the gate.  Fear keeps us in the comfort zone and it keeps knowledge and expansion out.

The Voice within beyond Fear

Curiosity, desire, some little voice within us that will just not shut up...keeps us seeking more. I think that voice is within all of  us ...It is just stifled and repressed in too many of us. I believe most of us want knowledge but are afraid to "want", to ask, to explore the options because we are too afraid to leave our comfortable beliefs.

Is my vibration up?

Anyway...I said I was going to write about how I felt.  I have been trying to keep my vibration up with all kinds of little activities including affirmation meditations in the morning and evening; a video presentation of the things I "want" that I watch while I play the "I am " meditation music, yoga, walks in the woods, some productive act to appease my ego so it doesn't interfere with the process...like a household task, submission  or a work related task; I pray; read lessons from ACIM; I stretch up as tall as I can whenever I think of it; I surround myself with pets; I listen to music; I eat wholesome delicious food and watch my water intake; we got away for a night which was much needed; I am creating here...doing what I love to do. 

So is my vibration up? Yes...it is up but likely not up as high as I want it to go. So I am not manifesting...when I do not manifest...I tend to drop on the emotional energy scale just a bit.

What is it that I am trying to match anyway? 

I am not like many people when they visualize and use this law.  I am not looking for a fancy car or a big house.  I am not really looking for money...sure...I want to pay off my debts and take some of this pressure off my shoulders when it comes to "surviving" but I do not need a lot of money so that is not at the forefront of my wanting. 

What I want...what I really, really want is "wellness".  And I may have reached too high in the beginning of my testing this stuff out.  I chose something "big" in my life...probably the biggest thing...to focus on and I am coming from a place of being beaten down by this issue so it is a big reach for me. 

There seems to be a lot of obstacles and barriers...perceived "knock downs" from medicine, insurance companies , financial issues, physical limitations, fatigue and the stress of survival...to get through first.  What that does to one's ability to focus on the "wanting" is quite dramatic. It is not an impossible reach...oh no...it is just while I am trying this out...I may have been better off choosing an issue that did not have such a large negative impact on my life...I should have started small. 

Changing the wanting

I am going to change my "wanting" a little bit.  I will definitely still want wellness and it will come but for now I will focus on something smaller...maybe the creation of a cleaner more manageable house; maybe a certain amount of money coming in; maybe a publication or at least some type of validation that I should be writing ...and from there I will build.  These things make me feel good.  I know I can achieve these things.  ...receive, not achieve...these things. I like the feeling I get when I think about walking in to a clean house...of being able to pay bills...of gaining readership and validation for my writing.  It feels good!  These things seem very possible.  I am not sure how yet...but they seem very possible to achieve. More importantly,  I feel good when I want these things.  I feel good right here and right now!  And that my dear reader is what it is all about!

All is well in my world. ...

The more I study science, the more I believe in God.
Albert Einstein

Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.
Albert Einstein

A little Wisdom from Einstein

Everything is energy and that is all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy.  This is physics!
Albert Einstein

Einstein's Field

Whether you are a physicist (which I will never be even though I love science.  I get tripped up by the math and all those bloody formulas lol :)) or a philosopher (which I cannot help but be :)) this truth is undisputable.  Everything is energy.  We, as physical beings, are made up of trillions and trillions of cells that are dependent on the ability to use energy and create energy to keep these bodies alive.  The cells can be broken down into atoms and in those atoms we have subatomic particles. Between those subatomic particles is space. 

That space is where the energy exists.  That space cannot be measured because space is immeasurable...so that energy that exists in us, giving us life as human beings, expands and extends into infinity.  It is unlimited, with no obvious beginning and no obvious ending. There is no end to this energy.  The cells may die leading to the death of the organism but this energy which is infinite cannot die, can it?   It goes on...it flows on and through as energy does ...from one thing on this earthly plane to the next.   From earth it flows to and through space which is also infinite and never ending.  Just think what that means...we have flowing within us, a Source of energy that cannot be limited.  

What is this energy?

Is it soul?  Purely a phenomenon of  science? Could it be God?

Portuguese philosopher Baruch Spinoza purported that God and the Universe were one and the same thing way back in the 16th century.  It is obvious that his philosophies met with quite a bit of resistance back then, being that organized religion ruled everything from education to politics.  Such an idea would throw the foundations of control from the church into chaos. That religious foundation was based on fear of sin and repercussion, literal translation and adherence to the scriptures.  People believed what they were told to believe.   New ideas and possibilities were outwardly rejected before they had a chance to spread.   The church was everything.  Personal belief  or questioning the status quo was taboo.

Einstein's Spinoza

Einstein had  once, early on in his scientific advancements, partially aligned himself with Pantheist belief that God is this energy but he still had his reservations. Most of his reluctance to say he followed any form of religion or  that he was an atheist came from his very honest proclamation that he just didn't know, that he, as a human being, was not equipped to understand the universe or God with his limited mind.  I love this quote, this answer to a question that was written in a book by George Viereck entitled Glimpses of the Great :

Your question is the most difficult in the world. It is not a question I can answer simply with yes or no. I am not an Atheist. I do not know if I can define myself as a Pantheist. The problem involved is too vast for our limited minds. May I not reply with a parable? The human mind, no matter how highly trained, cannot grasp the universe. We are in the position of a little child, entering a huge library whose walls are covered to the ceiling with books in many different tongues. The child knows that someone must have written those books. It does not know who or how. It does not understand the languages in which they are written. The child notes a definite plan in the arrangement of the books, a mysterious order, which it does not comprehend, but only dimly suspects. That, it seems to me, is the attitude of the human mind, even the greatest and most cultured, toward God. We see a universe marvelously arranged, obeying certain laws, but we understand the laws only dimly. Our limited minds cannot grasp the mysterious force that sways the constellations. I am fascinated by Spinoza's Pantheism. I admire even more his contributions to modern thought. Spinoza is the greatest of modern philosophers, because he is the first philosopher who deals with the soul and the body as one, not as two separate things.^{[(Viereck, 1930)}

 
Questioning the Possibilities

I am definitely not here to support Spinoza’s philosophy or even Einstein’s.  I am just doing what philosopher’s do.  I am questioning the possibility of it all. You see, I don’t know! Truth is, I may never know. I just cannot believe for the sake of believing.  Like Einstein…I often feel that God and the Universe are too big for us to understand with our minds.  Maybe we are to understand it more with our heart’s and our souls.  That I can do.  J Einstein, too, went on to believe more than this later on in his career.  He is often quoted as saying that the more he studied science, the more he understood God

I choose to believe…that this beautiful energy within us is Divine Love, unlimited Love and potential that flows through all of us.  If this is so, how can we not be all that we want to be? 

How can our lives not be full of anything but Love and abundance? 

Often our reality is not what we want. In this case, I think the problem is a physics related one.  We are not meeting the vibrational energy of what Love is.  We are operating below our potential vibrationally.  We are often blocking the flow of energy with our ego resistance. 

God wants that loving energy to pour through us and we say "no".  There is no fear in this energy…we create it with our limited minds.  There is no limitation in this energy flow…we block it with our limited minds.  There is no end to how high we can go…we just slam the brakes on with our limited minds. 

Resisting our Expansion

The problem is not with the energy flow.  It is not with the universe.  It is not with Life or God.  The problem is with our own mental resistance to “more”.  We resist our expansion. The resistance is our subconscious refusal of what is coming to us.  If we could work on our own vibrations, our own energy which is often determined by our emotions…we cannot help but to get the reality we want.   

It begins with believing that we deserve it, of knowing that none of us are denied it, of understanding that our potential operates under a purely natural, physical law.  To bring our vibration up to this energy level…we need to want.  We need to ask.  We need to move forward.  We constantly need to move forward in the wanting for expansion to occur so we can keep the momentum going.

It is all good. All is well in my world.

Life is like riding a bicycle.  to keep your balance, you must keep moving.
Albert Einstein

 

Reference:

Viereck, George Sylvester (1930) Glimpses of the Great.  MacAulay Company

Quoting Einstein

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.  The important thing is not to stop questioning.
Albert Einstein  (Brainy Quote)

About the Quote

I went on a search for a quote this morning.  I didn't know what I was going to write about so I did as I often do: I went to Google search and  I typed in "Quote of the day".  Well all kinds of things came up but my favorite quote site appeared with "Quote about today."  Oh...that caught my attention  so I went there and while there...I came across this as well as many other great quotes. 

This one caught my attention for many reasons. 

I love Albert Einstein.  I find him wise beyond his intelligence.  I definitely see the scientist in him but I also see this spiritual wisdom, he probably would never have admitted to, in his words.

I also chose it because it reminded me of the great conversations I was a part of as I sat around my sister's table this weekend with her husband, her son and my D.  Her son is a purely scientific, technological thinker and a great questioner...he seems interested in everything, wanting to explore all but loyal to a scientific need for validation.  We talked about things like the Placebo effect, Christianity,  body as energy, quantum physics, alternative medicine, the physical and social implications of our food consumption, conscious eating...conscious living.  T

hat quote just seemed to echo the words I attempted to contribute to my part in the communication process. So it seemed apt to choose it. Most importantly, it made me feel good!  And feeling good is what it is all about isn't it? 

On Questioning and Feeling Good!

I felt good when I read those words...I felt like I was on the right track in my thinking, my living and all the questioning I have been doing lately. I am learning from yesterday and I am at the point where I am ready to let it go.  I live for today.  And I hope for tomorrow. 

I question everything and that challenges my conditioned learning. I see how that learning interferes with my ability to expand.

In letting go of my past belief systems one by one I feel a freedom in me. I am learning to "want' again and in my wanting for things in the future I am feeling joy, peace, and a wonderful flow of energy in my now.

It is in the "wanting" not necessarily the "achievement" of these things that we feel good.  ...that we live the lives we are meant for.  Whether the material things manifest or not ( and they will if we want from a healthy place) it is that sense of joy, peace, love and happiness that fills this moment we are in right now, right here that makes living so absolutely wonderful! It is all so good isn't it?

All is well in my world.

My Photos

Photography is the art of observation.  It has little to do with the things you see and everything to do with the way you see them.
Elliott Erwitt

The Need to Capture More

My recently  stored images available for posting on this site are dwindling down to nothing :)  I really only went on two photo shoots this winter and I didn't always have the oompf to  take great pics :) You got what I could give you.   I know I have a whole world full of pics waiting to be taken and I will get those as my energy lifts...and it will lift...eventually. I will get out there with my cameras and get those images that make me and others say..."Yes this world is beautiful.  Isn't it great to be alive in it?"

 For now I put up pics that other kinder souls may respond to with:"ooohhhh...that's ...ummmm...interesting...or ...different?  What exactly is it? That big blob there in the middle... that kind of looks like a thumb shape...is that like a new type of effect?  Wow...it's very...ummm... abstract...."

What the Photographer Feels and Sees

It is all good.  You see what I see at the time I am behind the lens.  I see what I feel.  I feel what I think.  I think and perceive what I believe. So in a sense you see what my belief system is...my perspective on life at that moment.  Kooky, eh? 

What do you get from that less than great shot I put up yesterday? 

If I look at it for the first time this is what immediately comes up: Off balance...not aligned...a certain emptiness and space...destitution...with a pop of hope...deterioration...wasting away...stuck yet with space to move into...so much space to move into...honesty...real...authentic...no pretenses...it is what its mentality...??? 

Do you get that.  I had no idea what I was thinking when I took that shot...what frame of mind I was in but if  I see what I believe...heck...that's interesting. 

Never the Subject that makes a Shot

It is never the subject really that makes a great photo or an awful photo but where the photographer was in their frame of mind at the time it was shot.  It is the photographer's energy and how in sync vibrationally they were with the subject at the time that shows up, maybe?   Amazing concept, don't you think? Anyway, I find it fascinating that my photos can tell so much about where I am at in a space of time.  Try looking at one of my photos or any photos and guess where the photographer was at the time of shooting.

Could it be that what we feel when we look at the photo is the photographer, more so than the subject?

There is a great little writing contest out there on the net...I do not have the details...I just ran into it yesterday by accident.  A photo is shown and the contestant is to write a flash piece ( flash is usually under 250 words) related to that image.  Isn't that cool?  One is to build a story around an image...instead of create an image around a story.   Tapping into that creativity that is already there, we go beyond ourselves and our own little minds.

Anyway...on a rampage again...forgive me.  I will offer more photos eventually.  Maybe I will get some today.  Coming from this fatigue I am experiencing, they may be a little blurry lol but they will be honest.  You will know where I am at.

All is well in my kooky little world.  :)

All is well in my world.

Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging.
Joseph Campbell

Then Jesus called the crowd to him once more and said to them, "Listen to me, all of you, and understand.  There is nothing that goes into you from the outside which can make you ritually unclean.  Rather, it is what comes out of you that makes you unclean."
Mark 7: 14

Unclean?

It is not the thoughts and teaching we put into our practice that makes us "unclean" but what we put out there: the thoughts, words and behaviours  that may hurt others.

I had a conversation last evening with someone I love about meditation.  This person is a born again Christian who  believes the only way to heaven is through accepting Christ as the only Saviour. She will openly admit that all the Jewish people in the world, the Hindus, the Buddhists and those of any other religious affiliations (including baptized Catholics like myself) who do not loudly acclaim, in front of a congregation before death, that they have accepted Christ as the only Saviour will be condemned to hell in the after life.

She is not alone in her belief. There are many people who believe this , including family members of mine. Though it is far from my belief...I do not see it as the "wrong" way to believe nor do I see it as the only way to believe. I respect  her point of view. 

I see how this dependence on  Christ as the only way  has helped others in the world  overcome addiction  and life altering tradegies...so I accept it (though I will often find myself arguing that God is Love and will accept us all)...but that, of course,  is usually met with resistance and deemed "New Age nonsense."   So I have learned to zip my lips and let her express her belief without offering my own. 

Meditation a way to the Unclean?

Last evening we were talking about ways she could improve her sense of well being and her life.  (She has not made very healthy choices in the past and continues to make unhealthy choices which she is not ready to discuss in any way.) I mentioned meditation, yoga, and other ways of sitting still and going inward ...and the fear just shot across her face.  "Oh No!  I do not believe in those things. You let in evil when you go there."

Instantly, I became defensive.  I thought ...I practice meditation and do yoga .   Is she saying that I, like all the millions of people who practice this, am letting evil in and is she now fearful of me as a vessel of evil? I thought of the choices she has made over the years that have unintentionally caused so much suffering for her and others...and thought...she is not afraid of that as a potential source of evil as she knows it...but she is afraid of stillness and silence. Does that make sense?  I responded with :  "Prayer is meditation"...do you let the devil in when you pray?" She quickly changed the subject.

Resisting Resistance

Even though, I knew how she thought, I was taken a back when she said that and that activated an emotional response in me.  I resisted her fear resistance.  I became afraid of her fear. I became outwardly defensive and in turn attacked her belief system.  I judged.  Though I can see where her belief gave her great peace at times...it obviously also offered very strict conditions.  Those conditions were wrought with fear based on a principle of  selective inclusion and rejection. Things I do not prescribe (man...I cannot get ascribe/prescribe/subscribe straight in my head lol...'ascribe"  to). There was clearly a lot of "evil" in her belief system and protecting self from that seemed to be the motivating force not so much doing, being and feeling good.  She was saved but  still living a life of "suffering".  How saved is that?  Is that what Christ intended for us? 

The Need To question our Beliefs Beyond Fear

This conversation was meant to happen. 

I was considering my own belief system as you know by previous entries. (That is why I am writing about this here and now...otherwise I wouldn't share this.)  I even mentioned how such reaction can lead to doubt in me.  I must confess...it did. 

For a brief moment during this conversation... I felt like a "sinner".  My  pre-conditioned ways of thinking from my own strict religious upbringing got triggered. I was brought up not to question the priest or the scriptures.  I was taught it  is the way it is simply because it is the way it is.  I was told over and over again by well meaning teachers the Catholic church was the only church...it was the chosen church started by Peter.  All other churches, even if they were Christian, were rejected.

I was taught it was a sin to think for yourself when it comes to religion, to reinterpret  or practice in anyway beyond the rituals and sacraments of the church.  I was taught about hell...let me tell ya....and I was taught about sin.   I don't know though where my greatest fear lay...in this idea of the devil or the idea of a  God who condemns, punishes and selects only a few worthy people? I was taught to fear both. No wonder why I was so messed up? 

I read the bible more than once...the gospel many, many times...there is great wisdom and truth in those scriptures.  I gladly follow the teachings of Christ but can I prescribe(ascribe!) to a belief system that punishes, condemns, selects only a few and is so wrought with fear... any longer? Can I say I am worthy of Heaven because I belong to a certain belief system and all those who think differently are not?  No...I can't. I can't. 

I open myself to all religions now...I study them, I seek the beauty in them, the wisdom, the One truth that exists in all scriptures but somehow got forgotten because of this focus on  "separateness."

I believe!  I am a believer!  But I don't believe or practice the way I was brought up to practice anymore.  What I put in to me from the outside differs, I do not want "fear" in my practice for I see no place for it  what so ever.  I want "Love" and joy and peace.  I want faith and trust.  I want stillness and silence.  I want inclusion of all. I am not sure what "evil" means anymore but I am quite sure you will not find it where I am.  I am doing my best to ensure that what comes out of me is clean.  :)

All is well!

If you follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and the doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.

Joseph Campbell

About this blog

Do what you love.  Know your own bone; gnaw at it; bury it; unearth it; and gnaw at it still.
Henry David Thoreau

I come here everyday.  Some times I am here for a few minutes and sometimes I am here for hours but I come here everyday.  I share something.  I am completely honest and authentic when I do.  I pour  my version of truth  onto the page.  I do this ritual every single morning.  And for what? 

In my mind I do it for whomever may be reading but truth is I don't know how many readers I have...it may be only two.  Even when the stats show I hit a number as high as 50 I question if they are just registering  my own views of my  blog on  days I am reviewing what I wrote; if it is some ploy by the site to make me stay here by deceptively showing me readers who do not exist; or maybe it is some random reader who goes on a one time "waking up" binge after accidently hitting my page,  that makes the stat numbers spike a bit.

I really don't know if people are reading this. I am hoping that at least a couple of people are following and gaining something from this but I really don't know if they are.

So there really is no external compensation for my being here. There are no magical numbers twinkling across my site telling me I hit 1000 readers, let alone 100,000, to puff my ego up.  I don't have the readership other bloggers get.  I do not get praise and recognition for what I do.  I do not even get comments. I have no idea, whatsoever, how my writing impacts other people.  There are no performance appraisals or feedback.  I do not get paid.  This morning ritual is not furthering my career. in any way  It won't look good on a resume  (My topics are a little too off the wall to put this blog on a CV for agents) . 

So why the heck do I feel the intense desire and need to come here everyday?  Why do I do what I do?

I do it for the reason we all should be doing what we do...for the sheer joy of it.  I do it because I love to.  The moments spent here are  the best and, what I consider to be, the most productive part of my morning. 

Many mornings,  I find myself perched on the end of my seat, my back erect, my muscles completely engaged and with this intensity I cannot fully understand  coming from every cell of me.  Time passes without my conscious awareness.  Things can be happening around me but I am only partly aware of them.

I feel like I have some important learning to share and I want nothing more than to share it. What better way to share it than with the magic of words.  I love stringing words together in different chains and different patterns creating something that was nothing but  a little thought in my head before it hit the page.  

I am so intent on what I am doing in these moments...on what I am feeling.   I am in the moment when I am here.  I have purpose.  I have passion.   The writing feels  effortless.  It pours from me  and I always feel a tremendous relief when I complete an entry.

 "There!  My work is done!" I say to myself with a smile on my face and a big sigh.  I get up and walk away...excited in knowing that tomorrow I get to do it all over again.

Writing  is my work...whether I am paid for it or not; recognized for it or not at this time... it is my work.  It is my purpose, my play, my passion and my bliss.  How then...could I not show up here everyday?

I am confident that the way I feel about this that I do...will translate into a readership someday...a readership of like minded individuals who gain support, guidance,  insight and wisdom if not joy from what I offer.     But heck...if I feel joy...won't the world someday feel it too? If I feel joy, does it not mean that what I have to share, is worthwhile and of value?  Hmmm...

I think I will be guided somewhere along the way on how to increase readership and maybe then I will be more motivated to do so.  (Truth is...I do very little to gain external compensation, simply because I get so much intrinsically just from being here). 

Yet I am a writer and writers need readers in order to complete the cycle.  I am an educator and educators need students in order to complete the cycle.  In some small way, at least, I am a healer, and healers need people who need healing in order to complete the cycle.

 I would like to complete the cycle.  :)

All is well in my world.

More on Learning

A teacher is never a giver of truth; he is a guide, a pointer to the truth that each student must find for himself.
Bruce Lee

The process of finding truth

In finding truth, in determining what is real and what is unreal, we go through a process.  It begins by seeking, asking a question, a somewhat quiet pleading for the truth. A teacher will then show up in some form with a lesson. The lesson may be offered by the body of an actual teacher, a book, a quote, a conversation, or scripture.   The lesson may come in the form of a loss, a mistake, a life circumstance, a challenge or opportunity in which case we could say Life was the teacher.

The Teacher's Lesson

 Regardless of how or in what form, the teacher presents us with a lesson.  If the lesson holds the truth...that which we all seek whether we know it or not...we begin to own it slowly and gradually.   We begin by reciting the lesson just like we recited the alphabet to our kindergarten  teacher.  We speak it out loud, testing how it feels on the tip of our tongues. We repeat it again and again and again.  When we do this we are breathing out the learning into the world.  We are actualizing what is now in our minds.  The more we repeat, the more we begin to accept it as at least partly true. 

We may still have reservation about it.  We may still doubt if it is true but at least we are beginning to accept it.  We then study it further.  We consider it more.  We question, examine, analyze it.  We practice it.  We apply it.  We live it. We become quite serious about our learning until the lesson makes so much sense to us it can no longer be disputed.    We finally own it as the truth. We file it away in our subconscious mind where it will live forever.  It feels good!  From there we begin to teach by pointing others in the right direction.

I figure that I am at the part of my learning where I am seriously considering the validity of it. I want to accept all of it.  I take my studies seriously!  :) I know someday...there will be no doubt about what I know and I will teach others by guiding them with no more than a gentle hand on the small of their backs.

Loss is not loss when properly perceived.  Pain is impossible. There is no grief with any cause at all.  Any suffering of any kind is nothing but a dream.  This is the truth, at first to be but said and then repeated many times; and next to be accepted as but partly true, with many reservations. Then to be considered seriously more and more, and finally accepted as the truth.  I can elect to change all thoughts that hurt.
ACIM  Lesson 284

 Much learning does not teach understanding.
Heraclitus ( a pre-Socratic Greek philosopher)

Life Learning

Thinking a lot about these things called "thoughts" and  "feelings" and how they are actually responsible for our lives. I am thinking about the kooky New Age philosophy of deliberate co-creating and manifesting. I am thinking about here and now and how we can make the most of this life experience.  I am thinking about the importance of "feeling good."  I am actually thinking about learning.

 It is not the first time I was here in my thought process.  None of this stuff is new to my writing  either....hey...I can even say "I wrote a book about it" and mean it, lol. Yet... I often find myself  feeling like I am learning these lessons for the first time.

It is funny how this life learning works. I am a true philosopher. I question. (I am forever questioning the meaning of life).  I seek answers. These particular answers show up in one form or another. A new way of looking at life, of living life, appears. I research further.  I read about it, hear about it, study it.... gathering oodles and oodles of information. I write about it again and again. I feel like I understand it, that I know it.  I practice it. I live it.  I eat it; I sleep it; I breathe it.  It even seems to be working for me. Then... for some reason or another...doubt creeps in...I begin to question the validity of my information.

Doubting What I learn

Why?  Because sometimes...the things I learned about and I think should be happening are not happening fast enough or in the way I think they "should.".  "Hey,"  I say to myself.  "They (all those teachers and mentors I happened upon over the years) said it would happen and I would believe once it happened but it never happened!  I am still stuck in this blasted place I don't want to be in."  When I think that way, sure enough, more evidence of just how much I am stuck in the unwanted shows up in my life.  I find myself doing a 180 and going back to old previously established learning. Those old ways of looking at the world are full of doubt.

Doubt also creeps in from the reaction of others when I express what I am coming to see as truth about life.  There is criticism, concern and even fear at times.  People tend to like what is familiar no matter how it makes them feel in the long run. They may not be ready for change in any form.  New ideas about the power of the mind can be uncomfortable and fear inducing.  That is why they and the messengers who carry them are often rejected.

Doubting the Messenger

I doubt mostly though...when I really look at the messengers who pass on this information from a place of preconditioned  perception.  When I look at the teacher,  through such a narrow lens of preconceived judgment, I wonder about what I am learning.

Let's face it... some of the sources the information comes from are  a little too "out there!" for the narrow mind to understand and accept without question. Their  means of retrieving their information can be perceived as a little far-fetched to believe: People who say they are angelic messengers, a women who says she is channelling the energy of several non physical beings; people who preach the Christian faith in a totally new way ; and yogis who say they are "mystics" and have the power to go beyond time and space while they drink cobra venom from a copper cup. 

I realize at times these "messengers" are not what people in my physical reality would call normal, authentic  or mentally healthy.  Some fundamentalists would even go so far as to say they are "evil" and that I am practicing evil magic when I take the time to listen to them, read them, or study what they teach.

I also hear from others and the voices in my own head: They wouldn't be making all this money and living the life styles they are living in...if they were truly spiritual and teaching the "truth".   They are preying on the vulnerability of desperate seekers for their own selfish gains.  They aren't really in touch with God are they?  You can't believe that nonsense?

My past social conditioning tells me that if I believe the messages they offer...I am abnormal, a sucker,blasphemous , believing in magic and/or mentally unwell. These " New Age" and "old age" (some of them were born over 5000 years ago...Patanjali, Lao Tzu etc) healers, teachers, sages do not fit into what many of us were brought up to believe was the time/space reality of North American humanity.  They are different.  How then  can I trust the messenger?  If the messenger is questionable, how can I trust the message?

Doubting the Message because the Messenger is strange

When I or others  question, I begin to doubt...to step away from this learning...to turn my back on these teachers.  I live what I learned from them a little less, practice it a little less frequently, I finally forget about the wisdom they shared and I once again  find myself down and out, thrashing about in a world I think is out to get me. ...a world I am told by the "normal people" around me is what is to be expected.  I find myself in a life situation I don't particularly want and asking, "How the heck did I get here and who the heck is responsible?  I demand to talk to the manager!!!!"

I am told by the normal people of the world...not to question the manager...it is what it is...They more or less tell me: "Be afraid...be very, very afraid but at the same time suck it up, get the job done, endure the shift which lasts at most 100 years and you can get your break then when it is all over...you can talk to the Big Guy then...He will listen then.  It will all make sense then.  Until then, it is all random experience that you will never be able to make sense of...so don't bother trying to understand what you were not meant to understand.  Just trust us and what we have been told is the truth. This is the truth because we were told it was the truth ...so it has to be the truth.  Don't question it!  It is a sin to even question it!  Believe it the way it is presented.   Believe what you have been taught; what we all have been taught...you are limited, you are sick, you are poor, you are meant to suffer.  This is life."

Wow!  It doesn't take long to  go back to believing such a horrible message for the sake of fitting in to the mentality of the majority.  When I do that U turn on my exciting road of learning...and I go back to this... I find myself once again working myself to exhaustion in a shift I don't want.  I find myself  confused, somewhat hopeless, fearful and stuck in this unhappy place. 

Remembering What I Want

I miss where I was before in my learning. I miss the way I felt when I was learning these new ideas. There was hope, relief, acceptance, the beginning of true trust and faith and belief in that learning regardless of how off the wall it may seem to others. My energy levels were higher.  Here there is fear and shame and doubt  brought on by externally imposed belief that I am not supposed to question. My energy levels are dark and heavy.  It doesn't feel good. I don't like it here and realizing that I don't like it here  reminds me of what I want.  The door to the classroom is opened  for me once again.

Just as I realize I am experiencing and reacting to something I don't want ...I realize what I do want...just the opposite of what I am experiencing now.

 I want clarity.  I want truth.  I want peace.  I want hope. 

The learning begins again. 

Something familiar will show up...a lesson from one of my "kooky" teachers; a book, a video...a reminder of what they taught me and I suddenly realize that all those "strange"...less than "normal" teachers, whether they come from a place of authenticity or not,  are all teaching the same thing...they are all teaching about the need to go inward for the answers; to love self ; to breathe here and now; to be grateful; to be kind and compassionate; to forgive and to feel good. 

They are not teaching evil or magic.  They aren't pushing me toward the psych unit or ensuring I stay sick and poor and limited.  They are offering me a way out of this.  They are teaching me that there is more than this; that I am more than this.  They are holding me responsible for the life that I am living, making me accountable for my education and when they do that they empower me to change, to grow, to develop. They give me the power to change my life.

It is not the teacher but the lesson; not the messenger but the message...that is important

Who they are ( or were) in their earthly form is unimportant.  I have no right to judge them as good or bad, right or wrong, selfless or selfish.  How they teach is unimportant. It is what they teach that is important. 

It is all about the message, not the messenger.  And if the  core message makes sense; if it resonates a truth in me, opens a door for more in me, lifts me up, inspires me, motivates me, guides me toward forgiveness, love, kindness, compassion and joy...how can it be wrong?

 It is never the teacher that is important...it is the learning they offer.  It is not the messenger.  It is the message. That message  ...regardless of what channels it may go through...regardless of how many times and in how many ways it gets interpreted or reinterpreted...comes from One Source. There is only one truth and we will know that truth by the way it makes us feel

If it feels right; if it hits home; if it resonates in your understanding...than it is the lesson you need at the time. It is the lesson you already know so well...but have forgotten... that you are being reminded of. It isn't new information that creates the "aha" moment in learning...but a remembering of what you already know. 

Trust how it makes you feel

Trust how it makes you feel because this whole thing we call living is all about how we feel.  We are meant to feel peace, contentment, forgiveness, faith, trust, belief, compassion, joy, and love.  If you feel good, you are heading in the right direction.  Be sure of that.  When we feel good we are on the path that is best for us and others.  We are living the life we are meant to live.  Life will reward us just to remind us that we are moving forward the way life intends for us to move.  This is what we are meant for and this is the lesson I am learning...the lesson I feel compelled to share.

Maybe, the student is ready to step up to the front of the classroom?  Maybe,  I am becoming one of those "strange", "abnormal", "kooky" teachers that have offered me so much wisdom.  If so, don't bother trying to understand me, analyze me, judge me, or exorcize me...just listen to my message.  If it feels right...know that it really didn't come from me.

All is well in my world.

If you are happy, if you are feeling good, then nothing else matters.
Robin Wright

Quick Entry!  I am expected to make breakfast in a bit.  I choose to make breakfast in a bit.  Found some peace in a bit of clarity gained yesterday.  Once again I was reminded that the most important thing in this thing called life is to "feel good",  Feeling good is not a selfish act ...on the contrary ...it is the best thing we can do for others.  Think of it this way...who offers you more on a miserable day?  The cranky person who criticizes you or the genuinely warm and happy person who sees nothing wrong in you or anything?  Who, of these two, are you more likely to gravitate towards?  Who, of these two, inspires you more to do your best? Who, of these two, would you rather be like?   When we feel good we radiate at a different level than we do when we feel bad...we give off a different energy, a different level of compassion. We make others feel better, if they choose to stay around us, when we are happy.  Striving towards feeling good, over even doing good, may be the answer. 

All is well.

I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.
Carl Jung

A Counselling Desire

I do not know if I mentioned this previously in any of these entries but...I always wanted to be a therapist.  I had a fascination with the human experience...the human mind and felt sometimes overwhelming compassion for the perceived suffering of others. I wanted to help in that way.  Something in me told me that I could help. Through my own "brokenness"...I was blessed with keen insight and empathy for the brokenness in others.  I know now I would have made a great psychologist but back then I didn't think I had the intellectual ability or the stamina to do that many years of university! I went into nursing instead and ironically ended up with even more accumulated years of post secondary education than would have been required for me to do a PhD in psych. Go figure :)

The Drive Towards the Helping Profession

Oh, I know there are other reasons for me wanting to enter the helping profession.  I am like most broken people.  Broken women are notorious for this phenomenon...seeking to make right through "helping."  I read somewhere once about a study that showed evidence that 80-90 % of nurses surveyed were survivors of some form of trauma in their life where they adapted the belief that they were less than, not enough, bad, unworthy, deserving punishment etc. It was proposed that nurses subconsciously seek human service to overcome the negative  feelings generated by this belief system.  They unknowingly seek penance and approval  through hard work and recognition that they are "kind, good, selfless" etc to compensate for their lack of self approval.  Hmmm!  Sound familiar to anyone?

My Story

That is definitely my story!  I wrote about this in Beyond Fear and Shame....(a book that I am determined will be published someday in one way or another so that at least a couple of other people  may be able to benefit from the tiny bit of self earned wisdom it offers :)) Truth is, I have never felt completely comfortable in my role as a nurse.  It never felt "right".  I could never completely get my head around the proponents of the medical model or the traditional nursing models by which this profession I belong to operates under.  I am a little more "kooky" than most nurses.  :) Though I am fascinated with the miracle of the human body...I am more fascinated by the power of the human mind.  I honestly believe that most bodily conditions...heck most problems in general ...originate in the mind.  If we want to heal self, others, the world...we need to tap into the subconscious mind where the "broken" belief systems infiltrate.

I know what type of therapy I would offer.  No not psychoanalysis or even behaviour modification.  I would put my energy toward Cognitive restructuring and Rational emotive Therapy.  I truly, truly believe if we change the way we think...more specifically the way we  hold onto to self destructive belief patterns...we can heal absolutely anything! I probably wouldn't be a traditional therapist either.  I would try to see beyond psychology in my understanding of things.

Maybe becoming a therapist is not out of the question yet.  Maybe there is a way to fulfill this dream Maybe there is a way beyond the physical, time and financial limitations.  Who knows?  I have never closed the door on that possibility and I probably never will.  If I intend it with all the energy I can muster ...it will be.  We will see. 

All is well in my world.

First you make your beliefs-then your beliefs make you.
Marissa Peer

Awe...where is all this taking me?  Where is it taking us? ...because if you are reading this, continuing to read this you are probably heading in the same direction of healing. So what have we learned so far?

Everything can be traced back to our fundamental beliefs and the feelings they instill in us.  We bring the life experience to us that matches those feelings.  Our version of life will be what we believe it should be, not necessarily what was intended.  The truth of life may differ greatly from the beliefs by which we operate.  We need to examine those.  It is so simple...we just need to trace our experiences back to our subconscious ideation and the things we chose to make "reality" and challenge them.  If they hold us back we challenge them, break them down and replace them with the truth.

All is well.

Learning from Robin Williams

You'll have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to.
Robin Williams

I teared up a bit when I read this quote from someone who made so many people laugh, yet eventually let his own depression get the best of him. There is so much wisdom in these words. 

Eyes turned in the wrong direction

In my own long big spiel yesterday I was relaying how I was mistakenly putting my attention and focus on the things in my life that felt like punishment.  What I didn't relay was what I was missing when my eyes were turned in the wrong direction.  I did not notice the peaceful pauses  that were all around me...everywhere, everyday. 

Between each bout of crisis that does seem to be coming at me so fast sometimes, there were these beautiful reprieves, these blessings. these gifts.  Even the crisis themselves carry with them something to be appreciated.  It is all in perception. I just didn't see them.  I chose to look at them now: I have so many gifts...so many precious, precious moments in my life :) I am going to do my best to pay attention to the good stuff.

An Example

As an example of how things change when we switch focus. 

I was complaining, under my breath, today when I though D. forgot to bring the garbage out.  I find it very difficult to lug one of the big old broken cans out to the curb...takes  my breath and gives me chest pain but I told myself it had to be done since he was not there.  I was hinting for a new garbage system for months.

Anyway with a great deal of effort  I managed to do it and it was not a pleasant experience.  The whole time I was not thinking about all the wonderful things D. does for me, his kindness, and his support...I was only focusing on the fact that he forgot to take the garbage out. I came back in to the house huffing and puffing and somewhat upset. 

At that moment I received  a call from him telling me he just  bought me a gift.  He had run out to the Canadian Tire to buy me one of those big garbage bins with the wheels (the ones I was hinting fro) so we wouldn't have to lug anymore. That is why he didn't bring the garbage out earlier. 

Lesson learned!

All is well in my world.

Simple Moments

 

They enfold me

with their soft fabric,

wrapping me  in a comforting embrace.

They hold me up and away

from the chaos

and the outstretched

arms of those things

seeking to pull me down

with their desperate  hands.

They warm me

when the world feels

cold and lonely,

taking away the chill

that sometimes settles in my core.

I close my weary eyes

and get lost in breath.

I relax in to these

comforting pockets,

in to these simple moments,

like a child would settle

into a mother's lap.

I am lulled by the lullabies

and creaking motions,

 sweetly hidden         

in the silence,

in the stillness

of the now.

 

Dale-Lyn Dec 2011

Choice of Attention

Choice of attention-to pay attention to this and ignore that-is to the inner life what choice of action is to the outer. In both cases, a man is responsible for his choices and must accept the consequences, whatever they may be.
W.H. Auden

I am starting to realize what my poem was all about now.  In trying to figure out what all this stress was teaching me...what life was teaching me...I am discovering that the answers can only be found in the space and silence within.  I have to choose to put my attention there.


All is well.

The Brokenness of Me

We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.
Dalai Lama

If our outer  lives represent what is going inside...

I find myself thinking about my life lately...looking back and trying to make sense of it.  If our life represents what is going on inside, then I am one heck of a mess...let me tell ya!   Could my inner world be  really as chaotic as all this? Can a person be that broken and messed up? The "brokenness of me" is something I do not even know how to begin describing if it is anything at all represented by the brokenness of my surroundings.

The last ten years ...the last 20 years...heck the last 50 years lol (I laugh out loud but at the same time I am serious) ...have been equipped with one external stressor, one trauma, one very challenging life lesson after the next. It seems that I barely have time to breathe between the stressors. Before I even recapture my balance from one event another one lands on me. 

Some of the challenges are extraordinary.  (I could write a book about my life and people would shake their heads in disbelief).  Many are big enough to make people walk away in discomfort after they politely ask how things are  and others are not so big on an externally measured scale but draining just the same. 

Punches from the Universe?

I know rationally that these stressors are not as I perceive them ...but they all feel like punches from the universe when they first hit, meant to punish and knock me down...to keep me down where I mistakenly believe I deserve to be.  One too many punches and I start feeling that this is true and I don't want to try to get back up again. I feel a bit  beat up, punch drunk and numb at times.  I don't like being here...in this place where I stand with  hands over my face guarding the unbroken pieces I have left inside me.

How do I manage to get through life like this? 

I try to shake off each stressor, minimize it, deny the sting of it, or close my eyes until this batch is over.  Like an abused lover I make excuses for it and pretend it is all good.  If people ask me how I am doing...I give them what they want...and say I am "phine" so they don't worry.  I pull away and hide away from eyes that may judge or add more pain. And I always wait...wait for the next punch to hit me. It becomes about protecting myself from the punches...not about living.  I numb myself from pain and when I do I numb myself from life. 

I tell myself if only...if only had a some space between the things that land upon me...some recovery time...if I could just get my feet beneath me and balance myself I would be better prepared  for the next onslaught.  With a little more recovery time...I tell myself... I can heal the broken pieces so I am stronger for the next time life gets challenging...but it seems that life does not want to cooperate. There are just too many external stressors and they are coming too fast.  Like I said...not all of them are big...but after a big blow, or a series of moderate ones...when you are still fighting to regain your balance... it only takes  the lightest nudge to bring you down.

An Example

I won't bore you with the details of my life but I will give you one example.   I got to the point, a few years back, where my trauma eventually cut into the flesh of my body.  The physical symptoms  became undeniable...I get sick and go off work.  Knowing the relationship between stress and health, past trauma and illness...I tell myself when I am going off that I am going to make the best of this time...it will be my recovery time, my healing time from everything. 

I have paid into a disability insurance for years and seeing the need for it and my right to it ...I apply for it.  I am refused by my insurance company and left pretty much financially destitute with more stress than anyone should ever have to deal with.  So my recovery time becomes survival time...and my attention can no longer go to getting better physically let alone once and for all...but to worrying about how I am going to care for my children, keep the house, pay the bills when so much other stuff is going on. 

I endure sleepless nights.  I cash  in everything I have worked so hard for, borrowing and begging. I go into extreme debt.  I prepare more than once to go bankrupt and give up my house and everything I have left, struggling with the knowledge that I would have to give up my children to their Dad until I got on my feet again...if I ever got on my feet again. All the while I am dealing with legitimate physical symptoms that others in my family have died from or suffered life threatening crisis's with.

  Yet I am told my condition isn't real and I am not only denied but my integrity is questioned.  As a result, I don't get the help I need medically to get better!  Blow after blow, after blow, after blow!  And this is only one of the moderate stressors on the scale of stressors I had to deal with over the last 10 years.  It pales in comparison to some of the others.

So much Coming at us at Once

There appears to be  so much coming at me all the time from all directions: Big stress, little stress, every size stress.   My mind is constantly whirling as I try to organize them by priority into what has to be dealt with right away and what can be left to later.  What can I ignore and what is urgent?  I may have a pretty good filing system up there in my head...  I would have to...to get as far as I did... but it is obviously not good enough.  Sometimes I misfile or forget to file and these things I forgot about, or resisted, or avoided, or numbed from  come to visit me at night demanding my attention.  

As I did last night, I often find myself in the wee hours of the night looking up and saying to the shadows on my wall, " This is exhausting! I am so bloody tired!!!! I just want the whirring to stop.  I just want peace.  I want a life where I am not constantly having to deal with crisis.  Is that too much to ask?"

A Point to all this whining

Now I didn't write this long spiel  so I could feel sorry for myself ( well maybe a little :)).  I am not going to leave you with this negativity.  There is a point to all my rambling.  The major point is this: Asking for peace is not a big thing to ask at all.  It is only the beginning of what I could ask for and receive. Peace is my birthright!  

So why do I feel so bloody beat up and far from peaceful at times?  Because I choose to believe otherwise.  I am choosing to subscribe to those belief s ingrained in the grey matter of my sub conscious mind...that I am not worthy of anything but punishment.  I choose to believe that.    I  put myself in an imaginary ring and I keep myself there.  I vibrate at that energy.  I breathe out at that energy....and life gives me back what I breathe out.

I focus on the negative and unwanted events instead of the peaceful pauses that exist between them.  What I focus on persists.

I assume crisis, I perceive crisis, I accept crisis as my fate...so I unintentionally create crisis.  I created this life I see all around me. It does represent what is going on inside.  I am responsible for it.  

The Mistake of Focusing Outward rather than Inward

I mistakenly focus outward instead of inward. Life doesn't intend this  chaos for me...this is not what life is meant to be all about.  Life gives spaces...between each inhale and exhale of living there is a precious peaceful space...it is there if we pay attention to it.  So caught up in my own beliefs about what I assumed life was...I forgot to pay attention to what life really is...that is why I no longer feel the recovery pause of peace between my inhale and exhale.  I am hyperventilating my way through life. I am blaming life for keeping me down with its quick, never ending jabs but the truth is, the only thing that is punching me...is me.  The only thing keeping me here...is me.  The only thing that is drawing in these crazy stressors is me.

So what do I do? 

If I want peace I go inward to the perceived brokenness of me and I fix that.  I don't waste my time on the things that are happening outside of me....no matter how big or how many there seems to be.  I concentrate on the inside.   Until I bring order inside, I will have no order outside. 

How?

It is so simple.  I find the space.  I find the space between the breath.  I mean that literally.  I meditate on the space between each breath because I know that is where my life really is.  I meditate and I breathe.  After every inhale I become aware of the beautiful peaceful pause that is there before the exhale begins.  That is where the present moment is...that is where peace is...that is where life is.

As the Lenten season begins, I make it a point to pray and meditate my way out of a ring I created.  I pray for peace and I will find peace.  I close my eyes and meditate on peace and I will find it where it always was ...in the unbroken me.

All is well in my world.