Your mind is a garden
Your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers
or you can grow weeds.
unknown
Here I am again weeding this messy garden in my mind...attempting to pull all egoic weeds out ( I am learning to be a little more gentle with that process) and I am attempting to water the more wholesome seeds that contain the "ether" of all that is.
My ego, especially the negative thinking/believing part of my ego is still lingering around and it has much too much control over my life. Its weeds are hard to tame.
I still check the stats page everyday to see if I am getting through to anyone and I don't even know who that "anyone" is suppose to be- a population out there I cannot see or just me? Does it matter? I truly am less attached to outcome but I am not completely detached. The thought of having more readership does lift my spirits a bit. Yeah it does. The thought of connecting and having like minded people understand and appreciate what I have to say adds a little lightness to the heaviness I feel sometimes.
Anyway, the numbers are very high again...but the engaged readers are very low. I wonder then why are these numbers from Brazil, Singapore, and Vietnam showing up on my page? What do they get from doing that? Why do bots do what they do? As long as they are harmless I do not care. ...but I am curious. What do the directors of these bots want by hitting obscure blog pages?
There is always this moment when the numbers begin to rise when I feel a certain, "OMG after the twenty some years I have been blogging...maybe...it ( whatever 'it' is) is happening ." Then...negative mind steps in and taps that core belief inside me...the weed flourishs. I realize I do not quite trust that Life has my back and that it will pour blessings upon me. Infact, I don't even trust that bad things won't happen, that I as a writer of this blog will remain unharmed. That deep core belief that life, systems, others, circumstance will add much more suffering to this human I call me's expereince before the final curtain gets tapped again and again arises.
It surprises me and saddens me to see how I let that one belief rule my life. How so many of us operate under such beliefs.
Maybe that is why I don't submit a lot. I am all confused about my writing. I work endlessly on "safe" projects...like the Learning English book or the books I wrote for my kids at school on writing. I then tell myself until these books are completed and out there exactly the way I want, I won't tackle my novel again or this non fiction book I am re-writing on getting beyond fear and shame. I won't submit any poetry. ( I have soooo much poetry). Then...I don't get to these children's non-fiction pieces enough. I open them up and find a thousand different reasons why I have to close them down. (Literally, I could finish and have these books up in one day or two.) There is some sick procrastination and avoidance thing going on. Crazy.
This core belief that not only will I not receive blessings, especially as a writer, I will be punished for it in some way is always there in the background. Maybe it is related to some sick belief that I shouldn't be doing that thing that brings peace, joy, and meaning to my life...that I don't deserve joy or fulfillment...therefore I definitely cannot expect any of the "added ons" when I write??? I realize how absolutely cra-cra that belief is but there it is.
So, I end up embracing obscurity a bit. I feel safer standing in the shadows than I do on the dance floor. I feel better when I "don't try hard" that way it is less frustrating when I fail or get more suffering as a reward fro my work. It's crazy...but all this comes up when I see that someone/something out there is using my special writing place to park their bots on.
Hmmm! I am not sure if the bots have to go...but this belief has to go! I need to dig down to the roots (gently), disentangle those roots from that the roots of that which I want to grow, and pull it out once and for all. I need to clean up this garden
Do you have any weeds in your mental/life garden you need to remove?
All is well.
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