A Greater Benefit?

 Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.

Napoleon Hill

Almost 15,000 views this month? I don't think so lol. Maybe a few a day which I am very grateful for ...thank you... but certainly not the 500 plus the stats page is showing. This blog, and me as the writer of it, remain obscure. I should entitle my blog, "Obscurely Waking Up in a Busy World!"

The thing is I am okay with obscurity...I really am!  Sometimes, as I have often mentioned, I prefer it. My waking up is something I may feel compelled to share but I certainly do not want to broadcast it. Notorieity is not my end goal here and either is making it rich. Still, I feel the need to share as I learn, and to learn as I share. Even if there is not one reader, I will continue to write here. Sigh!

 I definitely never intended to make money writing about my personal waking up experience. Actually, I I gave up on the notion that writing could be a source of income for me long ago.  I am not sure if I ever truly believed I needed to make money writing. Sure, I often  imagine (briefly) what it would be like to be able to climb out of this financial hole I am in because of a "writing ladder" thrown down to me by the Universe...but I could never entertain that thought for too long. Writing has always had more intrinsic value for me than extrinsic, anyway. 

My very scientific minded daughter, who strongly resists the "woo-woo" in anything I share, told me yesterday that she believed I must have been given all the financial struggle I endured over the years as some sort of life lesson. "I don't know anyone who has been hit, like you have, by challenge after challenge always leaving you struggling to survive. You worked and work so hard; you are well educated, you have talent and skills yet you never seem to get a break. The craziest things happen or get in your way. I don't believe in all that spiritual stuff you do but I don't know how else you could explain it. It's too bizarre! You must have lessons or something to learn from being poor and struggling like this."

I just shrugged my shoulders and said, "First of all...not poor...have more than many but maybe, you're right. Maybe there is a higher purpose for this struggle!"

I want her to be right.  I want to know all this struggle is for higher reasons.  I want to believe that I chose this struggle for learning and growth reasons I have yet to understand.  I do not want to believe that it is all going down like this because I am projecting a lot of internal negativity outward into the world, or worse, that I am being 'punished.' Sigh!

I don't mind struggle and challenge.  I really don't. If you tell me there is a higher reason for this experience of suffering I will say, "Bring it On!" And most of the time, I know there is a higher purpose for it. I accept it graciously. Other times, doubt creeps in and hisses that it is all random, meaning nothing, or worse...that I am somehow to blame for the whole mess. I have a hard time accepting it then. 

Anyway...most times I accept my obscurity and lack of finacial well being despite my writing effort very graciously.  I do.  But it would be really nice to know without any doubt that it is all for a greater benefit.

All is well.