The mind too, must be washed, squeezed, tossed, and ironed. Don't think that if someone causes us pain that they hate us, but rather that they are helping us to purify ourselves. If we can think like this we are real yogis. If anybody hurts our feelings, we should just smile at them. "Thank you. I want more and more. I know you want me to become pure soon. Bring your friends also to inflict pain."
Swami Satchidananda; Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, page 43
My mind is stuck on the agitation cycle of this big washing machine Life provides. I am not yet a true Yogi. I felt that agitation yesterday.
There are some "old friends" who have caused so much pain to my family and I over the year ( now I realize years). They have lied, publicly slandered, manipulated, controlled, and have actively and even aggressively attempted to take away from us that which is most precious. They have done it all while wearing a cape of self righteousness and in an attempt to make themselves look like rescuers and saviours in a story they created. They publicly and unjustly villified us so they could play the heros. It was brutal and oh so cruel!
I was so, so hurt; felt so betrayed. It broke my heart. I was angry and I even hated for a while. I did not want to carry those unwholesome things around in me. So, I tried to forgive and even have to some extent. "They know not what they do." That is the mantra I repeated to myself over and over again. at the same time I questioned, "Or do they?"
They may not yet see the error of their ways. One may never. One, I realize now, might lack that capacity for seeing clearly through compassion...though they will profess to be the most compassionate person on the planet. The other is so manipulated into believing the story that seeing clearly now may make life too uncomfortable for him. Sigh! The one person who I always felt had a right to be hurt by what happened, and whose acting out I accepted, understood, and even attempted to support at the cost of my own well being...is the one that may be seeing clearly now. I suspect she is being encouraged not to see clearly....but still, yesterday I seen a simple act of kindness that warmed my heart. I forgave her completely with that one act. I had great compassion for her. It felt so good to feel compassion instead of anger and hurt.
Anyway, I didn't realize how triggered I would be upon seeing her parents last evening. The tears welled up behind my eyes. I couldn't look at them. There was such anger towards one...such a deep seething anger. I was so angry. I was also disappointed in myself for being so uncomfortable. I just wanted to stay as far away from these people as I could. But mostly I was just so hurt.
I accepted the feelings, understood them, but I didn't want to keep them in me. I could see clearly the past and present "friendship" that was never really a "friendship". I could almost see so clearly how that self righteous mind in front of me was operating...I remembered so much...years and years of my feeling so inferior made sense. That shame based personality I identified as most of my life was no match for a self righteous one. See now what I didn't see then. Her behaviour angers me but it has less of a surprise element to it so it doesn't hurt in the same way. It was his behaviour that hurt me the most becasue it surprised me. Regardless, there is so much stuff and tangled up emotion that comes up when I see them. That, I believe, is why the tears began then and continue to flow now. So, much I stuffed away from this year's experience and so much I stuffed away from my 16 -20 year old experience. It needs to come out.
I wish I had the strength yesterday to stand up to them and say, "Thank you for helping me to purify." Because, though they have no clue or no intention to do anything kind for this "me", they are helping me to purify and I am grateful for that! I am! But I didn't have the courage...I was too much of an emotional mess. Maybe someday...maybe someday, I will be strong enough to do so. Until then...until this washing machine hits the rinse cycle...I just have to stay away from them. They are not good for my soul.
All is well.
No comments:
Post a Comment