Hope is being able to see there is a light despite all the darkness.
Desmon Tutu
I realize that Debbie Downer and Negative Nellie have been chirping away in my psyche again and from there they are making themselves known on the page. I am not going to beat myself up for that. I see where it is coming from. The physical, energetic, and mental body has been a little squashed down by circumstance on the outside and are burning a bit from the tapas rising to be released on the inside. It is like having really bad heart burn at the same time dealing with a full body second-third degree sunburn. Ouch! :)
The wisdom body and of course the Ananda body are not one bit disturbed by this burning. Infact, despite the whining from Debbie and Nellie... wisdom body is getting a bit more wise and Ananda body is becoming a bit more obvious. I know this is a healing thing!! I do!!
Right now it just sucks a bit, that's all. It is still all so good.
And, I am still looking "out there" for evidence that the universe has my back. I am grasping at every bit of evidence I can find. I felt "hope" yesterday for all of an hour when a remote, potential, nothing secure or definite by any means possibile solution for the money concern emerged. It was like a little stream of light coming from a tiny crack in cloud cover and man...was I there to grab it. I lay under it. I rolled under it. I sucked every ounce of it up. I felt like Life may actually have my back or at least it was not out to trample me down into the ground. That little bit of "hope" (and you know how I am not big on the hope thing) replaced the chirping of the depressing duo with a big fat, "Maybe?"
That "maybe" was all I needed. Mind became less depressing, emotions rose up the scale, energy lifted, and the physical body felt lighter. I found myself back at the book I was neglecting writing and just streaming along from one chapter to the next. It was like it wasn't for nothing anymore. That "maybe" there, I thought, might move into a "maybe" here....and that motivated me.
I felt up! I felt "positive" for the first time in so long.
Though I know the solution to all problem is internal not external, and know full well where suffering is taking me in terms of growth and learning. (I even accept that! I do!!.).. did I ever need some sign from the universe that it wasn't just going to be "all suffering and challenge" for me from now on during these final learning lessons, that I was going to get a break here and there. It is all just too heavy and dark. Hope, as much as I see the unsolid nature of it, is giving me that light I need to keep going.
I am at a very, very challenging portion of the"advanced and excelerated growth" course I signed up for. The learning is tough. I have been so curled forward into the complicated studies, it seems, it got very dark around me and I didn't even notice. I needed/need light. I needed/need a recess outdoors. So, though it may only be a five minute one and I may be called in as soon as I step outside (this is not an actual solution but just a hope derived, remote possibility shining on me) it is something better than what I had. So, I grabbed it.
I appreciate the lift so much!!! I do...regardles of the actual outcome. I realize that which the hope is pointing to may never come to pass. Just to be lifted out of this negative onslaught for five mere minutes, however, is a blessing. Thank you Universe!
In this game everyone needs a break to refuel, recharge, and jump back in full throttle.
Helen Edwards
Oh wow! This waking up is not as easy as it looks, is it?
All is well in my world.
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