Seeking the face of God in everything, in everyone, all the time, and His hand in every happening; This is what it means to be contemplative in the heart of the world.
Mothere Teresa
So, let's clarify: that means to be truly contemplative we seek God in everyone, everything and every happening. Even in those individuals and those actions that are considered socially deviant?
Social Deviant? What does that mean?
According to the AI overview on Google:
Social deviance refers to behaviour that violates social norms which can range from minor violations of informal rules to serious crimes. It's not just about being different; its about actions that illicit negative social reactions and potentially challenge the established norms of society. Deviance is often relative and can change over time and across different cultures.
I have been thinking a lot about social deviance lately...about those actions that illicit negative social reactions. I find myself in situations where I might be eliciting negative social reactions. Sometimes, I wonder if I am given socially embarassing or shaming challenges (or manifesting such challenges from my own fear) for a higher purpose. Am I supposed to experience the not so pleasant condemnation from society that most of us, including "me", would curl away from for a reason I do not yet understand? Am I slipping into the role of "judged" so I can see the unskillful and unwholesome nature of my role as "judge"?
I may be hearing, watching documentaries on, or thinking about the consequences of socially deviant behaviours ...judging others for such behaviours...seeing the social sanctions dumped on these individuals (criticism, ostracization, condemnation, ridicule, public humiliation, legal repercussions etc.) and finding myself acting as judge and jury by telling myself the consequences received for such actions are so deserving. Am I meant to learn something from my own judgement tendencies? That could be the case. Maybe I am meant to put aside my judgements, my dualistic tendency to distinguish 'judge' from 'judged', 'right' from 'wrong', and to see God beneath it all?
There is a thin line, if a line at all, between judged and judge, isn't there?
As soon as I catch myself judging and condemning another...I immediately find myself becoming so fearful that somehow, I might get mistakenly categorized into that mix of those I am judging...that I too may be judged in a similar way for whatever reason, that I too may be punished for my social sins. The behaviours and judgements under the label of "social deviant" range from partaking in abnormal quirks that might receive a "weird" comment (that I likely commit from time to time) to the most outlandish of things I know I would never partake in. Yet, I find myself questioning with every judgement I make on another..."What if they think I would do such a thing and judge me as a "weird" or "awful" person too?"
Such judgement, such fear, all built around the dualistic model of what is right and what is wrong in our society. I have been conditioned from my past experiences to be shame-based and have thus found myself on a life-long search for redemption. "I must stay on the "right" side of society's moral line...and I cannot, by any means, inch my toes over onto the "wrong" side. I must be seen by others as belonging on this "right" side because I couldn't handle the negataive social reactions (judgement and punishment that is the consequence) for slipping onto the other side: more shame. I must be (or appear to be) good." "Good", of course, is non deviant. I must be "normal". I must please others.
Like many, I try to create and maintain a non deviant social persona for the purposes of , not only safety, but for love and belonging. I try to control my actions, my speech, and my thoughts to match society's moral expectations.
Though social and legal sanctions on our behaviour are so important in ensuring order and the well being of the vulnerable members of our society...though some behaviours have to understandably be sanctioned with strong legal consequences: abuse, violence, any type of threat to a minor...the social judgement received, for these offenses, can be even harsher than that received by a court of law. There are also other behaviours that are shamed and judged harshly socially even if they are not judged in a court. I think we fear the social judgement more so than we fear the legal. We fear being or appearing socially deviant. We fear being or appearing "weird". We do what we can to avoid such a label.
The effort, self control and energy required to avoid these judgements and "appear" a certain way can be crazy making. Our fear of disapproval can lead to a tendency to create false personas, to hide a need for healing, to keep secrets, and to pretend. This behaviour control is not necessarily natural to the higher parts of us. This persona creation is not necessarily real, authentic, and attainable. This need to please society is not necessarily healthy. And the fear of displeasing others or failing to meet society's expectations of us can be self destructive. (Thinking of the person who starves themself to meet some social standard for how they assume they should look or be, or the person who denies their own physical and emotional needs to "please" others or most sadly, the person suffering with mental illness who refuses to seek help because of the stigma of being "abnormal" and succumbs to their illness.)
We fear the judgement of others more so than we fear the repercussions of the law or the loss of our own well being. Though legal sanctions keep society in line, that fear of "other" judgement can do more harm than good. Social judgement can do more harm than good. Social shaming can be heart and mind destroying. It and the socially imposed label "deviant" may be counter productive to the creation and maintenance of a healthy society. I believe without that shame, without that judgement-fear, the majority would still do what was right, and good, but with that shame, with that judgement and the fear of that judgement society gets a bit warped, creating more social deviance.
What has this got to do with you, crazy lady?
As soon as I judge someone as being "weird" or "socially deviant", especially when I erroneously believe they deserve my condemnation, and judgement and ostracization from society....I am whopped with a dose of intense fear that comes from this realization that that could be me standing there receiving the judgement from society.
"All but for the Grace of God go I".
I, too, say and do "weird" things all the time. I know I would not partake in many of the more outlandish and terrible behaviours or crimes that receive harsher judgement ...I could never purposefully hurt another, ...yet, I fear that I could still unintentionally hurt or offend someone, or that others will incorrectly assume I am capable of committing such offenses against society. I fear the judgement so much so that I work extra hard not to receive it. I need to maintain control not to challenge the established norms.
Anyway, that requires a constant and exhausting "control" over mental faculties and behaviours. What happens, however, when we no longer have that control...when it is taken from us by a substance? Many people wake up after an alcohol binge wondering what they might have said or did, worrying about this social judgement they may be worthy of receiving. Alcohol lowers their inhibitions, and they say and do things they normally wouldn't do. They feel intense shame and remorse over the possibility of what they may have said or did, even before they remember. I don't drink more than two glasses of wine at a time, partially for that reason. I fear publicly doing something that would label me as "weird" or a "social deviant". I fear that shame experience.
Well, I had IV sedation during my oral surgery and now I find myself in the shame-experience, "worrying" about what I said or did. Though, I do not remember anything, I am so convinced I did or said something that was totally inappropriate, "weird" or "socially deviant" and that I am being judged by others. I went into the experience with an idea of what would be the most embarrassing and shameful thing I could do and this fear that I might do it. I feared that I would step over the moral line onto the "weird" and "social deviant" side. Now, I am convinced I did. Man, I have stuffed and stored so much stuff within me over the last few years that I have been dealing with, so many "secrets" in the form of samskaras I have yet to deal with, I fear that on top of my inappropriate and bizarre behaviour I let them all out in one slurry ramble. I don't remember what happened but somehow, I know the "weird" came out...and I am trying to deal with the shame and the embarrassment.
I catch myself wondering constantly what "social sins" I have committed in those moments I wasn't in control. I wonder obsessively what social reaction and judgement I am receiving. The focus is intense so I know there is so much learning in it.
I am now questioning if this happened to show me the errors of my ways when it comes to judging others. It took me from the position of 'judge' and put me in the position of the judged. Judged or judge ...doesn't matter. When we think in terms of non duality there is no distinction. In fact, there is neither judge or judged.
I have no idea what I did or didn't do in those 30-45 minutes I was not in control but regardless I am reminded of the "fear" and the "shame" that comes with judgement. Part of my learning, possibly, is to sit with this fairly common human experience of shame and fear...to accept it, look deeply into it, be with it and let it and all the samskaras it is tied to go, once and for all. It is a part of the human experience. Somehow, we need to learn to see shame and fear, and the behaviour that induced it, as something we observe, not what we or others are. Through this, I was somehow encouraged to view all behaviour...no matter how strange or how gruesome ...as just that... human behaviour. It isn't who we are.
This can remind us all to look beyond behaviour to the God that is in all of us, including the "weird" and the "social deviant."
All is well.
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