In What is Left of the Mental House

 You have got to be willing to die to who you are now to give birth to who you can become.

Les Brown

I had a moment yesterday where I could almost, nearly, so close...visualize what it would be like to be where I was without any semblance of this neurotic little me in the way. Getting there, I could see, meant breaking through a veil of thorns.  It was going to hurt like the dickens, but I knew the thorns would pull what is left of this shell off !  I could also see...the more relaxed I remained...the easier the transition would be. Unfortuantely, it is not so easy to relax into the dying process.

What brought on this "almost clear" visualization?

I was at a funeral. I do not do good in crowds or busy social situations.  The more I observe this "me," the more I realize how being around lots of people discombobulates me.  I literally feel the emotional energy of others and it can be too much. Some call this being 'empathic' but I see it as more of an extra keen survival perception I picked up from being around some volatile and unwell people over the years. Anyway...I tend to soak up the emotional experiences of others especially when they share with me, to the point I am drained, and I feel absolutely awful in crowds especially when there is a lot of grief or chaos. I don't like being in crowds anyway. Funerals are not fun.  I am extra anxious, awkward, uncomfortable.

I am also, as I have been saying, in the purification stage of my healing and waking up. I am having a lot of caustic samskara impurities coming to the surface to be released. They burn more coming up, I think, then they did going down. So, there is a fair degree of emotional discomfort to observe and experience. These impressions and stored memories are wrapped in some pretty nasty and self destroying core beliefs. 

In the Basement of the Mind

It is really shocking and surprising to discover what has been creeping around in the cellar of my mind all these years...that which I couldn't see until the upper level was removed to expose them. I, as a person still over identified in "me," observe thoughts like: Everything I do is going to hurt people or be construed as wrong even when I try to do "good" things; People are going to think I'm weird if I step up or reach out. Well, they likely think I am weird anyway. Best to stay back; I shouldn't have done that which I thought was kind- I must have hurt them or insulted them some how.  They will be angry with me or judge me as being "weird"from now on.

Even when I step back to distance as a witness to the experience of this human I call "me", I observe old messaging emerging to the surface as if others are talking about this "me" like:  This human is so neurotic, backwards and awkward...no one would ever want to take the time to actually get to know her, let alone understand her, would they?; The others are all so "normal" and she is so "abnormal"; Look at her- she is so unworthy around others; A break?  She doesn't deserve a break and will likely never get one. Her needs are not important...how dare she think of herself; She is here to suffer, to make up for some very thick karma; She needs to live this life as one big penance. She needs to be constantly punished for her endless sins.  Heck she must be one big walking sin...no wonder why Life is so hard on her.

Pretty gruesome and brutal, right? These nasty beliefs have been hiding under so many pseudo layers of confidence, superficial belief, and a painted-on exterior for decades. With the upper levels blown away, the basement is now exposed. It isn't pretty but it is very healing. To see what I have to work with makes the process much easier. I can see what I was believing and disentangle myself from it. I can label it as "belief" and not who I am.  Still, it is surprising to see what has been activating my life experience. I knew I had some core beliefs in me that were not life enhancing but I was not aware they were this bad until I got this deep into the excavation of Self project I am on, until I debrided so many of those upper layers of  self-protective "me" away. What a mess I have in my basement. So, I was dealing with the mess at the funeral too.

Triggers

 I was also still recovering from the samskara triggering that occurred the evening before. And some new triggering was happening at the funeral. There were people there who had received or would have been made aware of some of the projects I did out of what I believed to be kindness. This triggered the Everything I do is going to hurt people or be construed as wrong even when I try to do "good" things; People are going to think I'm weird if I step up or reach out. Well, they likely think I am weird anyway. Best to stay back; I shouldn't have done that which I thought was kind- I must have hurt them or insulted them some how.  They will be angry with me or judge me as being weird from now on. I imagined these people were angry or judging me for what I offered. Those exposed and activated beliefs added to the inner chaos of the experience. 

Dismantled Beliefs

And I was in a catholic church participating in the mass like I normally would do if I was still practicing. That felt familiar and soothing, at the same time it felt hypocritical. I don't believe everything the church says anymore. I see beyond it. These beliefs have truly been dismantled over the years and are piled up in the wreckage of the other layers. That added to the inner turmoil.

Anyway, so there I was at the funeral yesterday, standing in the basement of this flimsy psyche, with all these core beliefs crawling over me like giant spiders...biting here and biting there. The shell was gone, and I couldn't hide the mess anymore. It was exposed for everyone to see, it seems. I was aware, at least, of the exposure as I looked around at all the beautiful people with their houses still neatly intact around them, seemingly confident, happy and content to believe what they were believing.  

I was having a very chaotic inner experience. I was witnessing the human I call "me" have a chaotic inner experience. I literally had the inclination to run out the back doors as fast as I could. 

But I remembered:

If someone suffers, he or she is blessed, because by that suffering some impurities are turned out. Satchidnanda

I have to suffer a bit to get to where I want to go.

Dying

To be reborn, you have to die first. Lucien Carr

It was what was left of the dying "me", I suddenly realized, having the uncomfortable experience, not the Self. Though most of the upstairs and downstairs of the house that once protected me was gone..."I am" was and is still there/here.  "I am" was standing undisturbed in the basement, perfectly still and unmoved, in the tattered and torn remnants of the frame with pieces of insulation flapping in the wind. Seeing that in my mind's eye, I suddenly imagined what it would be like to have all the outside layers gone. 

Falling Back into Nothingness

I imagined falling back through those thorns for the final clearing away process. I imagined every bit of remaining neurosis, of people pleasing tendency, and personality being scraped off. I imagine what it would be like to walk up that aisle not one bit concerned about what others thought, not concerned about being homeless literally and figuratively, not concerned about ever being 'known' or seen for who I was, not having an ounce of anxiety, fear, or any of the other emotions that are brought on by activation of those core beliefs...of just feeling unconditional love and peace and joy. I imagined what it would feel like to be immersed in the present moment loving all of it no matter what it brought! It was amazing!

Though I may have scraped away a few rusty nails and old boards in that visualization, I didn't fall all the way through. I was too scared to die. So, I pictured myself still in the basement dragging it and this human I call "me" up the aisle for communion, with my not so friendly spiders crawling all over me and the little bits of  remaining house frame being dragged behind.  I pictured the Self not completely reborn but still in the so obviously imperfect dying self,  in its very messy authentic vulnerability...possibly even hard to look at or at least to not judge harshly...I pictured the judgments and opinions of others over my open imperfections and I could see that none of it mattered...at all!! I could see for a second how none of that was important. I had a glimpse of true peace and that glimpse fed me.  

It reminded me of my motivation and goal...to die to be reborn.  It reminded me that there is a way out of all this suffering, and it is simply through.  I do not have to do anything.  I definitely do not have to run around to catch the flying pieces and replace them...I don't need to rebuild anything false and unsolid around me.  I can let it all go, and I can simply fall back into what is. I can die to be reborn!

All is well in my world.