You are not the voice in your head but the one that hears it
Unknown
Sometimes, I just catch myself here doing what I do and a little voice begins to chirp inside my head, "What the heck are you doing, crazy lady? You just keep writing and talking, writing and talking, writing and talking about things you do not completely understand or that you might not even have a "right" to talk about. You are not a Hindu or a Buddhist...yet you are often sharing or quoting teachings and scriptures...who are you to do that? You are not an "iniatiated" yogi and claim that you never want to be...yet how can you talk about the true essence of yoga if you aren't? You say you aren't here as a teacher but you are lecturing to the unseen world as if you were standing in front of a class again. You are not yet awake...far from it...yet you talk about awakening. You just go on and on about this stuff creating some type of "image" for yourself even though you keep saying it isn't about image. You talk about the con and the cult leader who draw people into these teachings for their own selfish egoic reasons? Are you absolutely sure you are free of ego on this platform doing whatever this crazy nonsense is you are doing?
And all I can say to that voice in my head is, "I really don't know why I am here and I truly, truly hope it has nothing to do with my ego!" Then I bow my head in embarrassment and shame and I keep going. I keep sharing what I am learning from observing my own mind.
Sometimes, it all seems so crazy!! That inner critic keeps going.
"You are doing this 'sharing' on a public platform! Even though you say you do not publicize what you do here or on youtube...you do click the "public" and the "publish"option. Even though the audience is not visibly right in front of you, you know that means you are exposing yourself to random people. Even people you know from work and social circles could see you and hear you speak about these things that are not universally accepted, right? They could think you are pretty strange and even dangerous possibly. That judgement could lead to problems in your personal and semi-professional life. You know that right?"
I answer again, "I know, I know...I try not to think about it and to see myself standing in the shadows of obscurity when I do this...but I know I am exposing this person I call "me" to public scrunity. I am not sure this "me" is ready for that scrunity. I hesitate everytime the mouse hovers over the "Publish" and "Public" options but I still click. I don't know why but I do....but I do" Then, I bow my head in embarrassment and shame and I keep going. I keep sharingwhat I am learning from observing my own mind.
The voice in my head is relentless.
"Like really...who wants to hear about this stuff from a "crazy old lady" anyway? Who are you to share this stuff? You'll never be a social influencer. Besides, do you think you actually have the answers to Life's most pressing problems? Come on...look at your own life. It is a mess. Yet, you think you can help people get their lives in order?"
I answer with a little more strength, "I am not trying to be a social influencer. I am not trying to help other people get their lives in order. I am simply sharing so I can make sense of the mess in my own life/mind and I share what I am learning in hope that what I learn might help another." Then I bow my head with a little less embarrassment and shame and I keep going. I keep sharing what I am learning from observing my own mind.
"So you are just using this platform as a therapy session? You are "airing your dirty laundry", boring hundreds of readers and listeners with your petty little problems just because it makes you feel better to vent and get attention for your problematic life? Maybe you are trying to create some story of yourself as a tragic heroine? "
I answer again, this time with less assertiveness, " My deeper intention for sharing is that I am seeing that all so called problems are "universal" more so than personal and that therefore so is the solution. I think it may be beneficial for others to recognize that in the so called problems of another's life. But yes, I vent here and sometimes ego gets something from my venting about my little 'personal problems'. I wish it didn't but it does. I do want ego to be diminished and out of this sharing experience but it is obviously still hanging around." Then, I bow my head with embarrassment and shame and I keep going. I share what I am learning from observing my own mind.
This inner voice will not shut up !!
"So you think you have the "better way of being"? People much smarter than you have been exploring that idea for centuries and centuries and you think you have the answer? You think your way is the best way?"
"I am not saying that "my" way is the better way. Not saying that I..as a personality and personal mind...know much about anything. If you were to listen or read what I have written you would know that. When I say I am learning a better way of being...it is for this human I call me. I share because if it helps this "me" to crumble away a bit...maybe it will help other egos to get out of the way of the "better being". And then again...maybe it won't. I don't know. I am just learning. I have also studied long and hard so many teachings that date right back to the first writings...I am not proposing those are "my" teachings. I am simply sharing what I am learning from them. " Then, I bow my head with much less embarrassment and shame and I keep going. I keep sharing what I am learning from observing my own mind.
Trying to get the last word in that persistent voice goes on"Ahh...I have more to say..."
I...that which is hearing it all go down, interupts with "Okay, do what you do but I think I am done listening." Then I bow my head with some degree of remaining embarrassment and shame and I keep going. I keep sharing what I am learning from observing my own mind.
Hmm! Not sure where that came from lol.
All is well!
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