Living Without the Buzz

 You are whole and complete within yourself.

I know it but I have not yet experienced that truth above.

Awkward Stage: Clean but not Clear

I feel like what I imagine a recovering  alcholic feels a few months into their recovery, when they are clean but not yet clear..  This stage occurs after they realized the seeking of the buzz was a problem  never giving them what they truly needed...taking them to a life where that buzz seeking became everything. Then they asked, "Was it worth it?"  And the answer they received was "no".  They woke  up to the reality the buzz never lasts, that it is only a temporary escape from reality, never lasting, This thing they were constantly seeking in their highs and their drunken stupors was not the problem, their seeking of it was. So they stopped seeking. They become clean.

Being Clean Isn't Easy

Without seeking there is no immediate gratification, no buzz. On top of that they are dealing with the unpleasant reality of life...without the buzz to hide behind.  Not fun! Even more challenging...all the stuff they stuffed below their addiction, that they were running from or attempting to escape through their buzz seeking, is now coming up. Ugh!!!

They are, at this stage,clean but not clear.

I am, at this stage of my practice, clean but not clear.

I too stopped seeking for things out there. I have given up this erronous and self deceptive notion that anything out there has the power to make me happy.  I truly realize that nothing out there can sustain me or fulfill me.  I truly do realize that peace, happiness, joy, and love are already in me.  I truly do realize that the problem isn't so much the things I used to chase after but my reasons for wanting them: to escape, to appease a tormented inside world. I see the precipitating factors of my own very normal and socially accepted human addiction: these samskaras I have that my ego wants to keep down.

Without the Buzz

Seeing that and knowing that,  I am at a really uncomfortable stage. Reality is not fun at this stage. It is easy to be tempted or to slip. When I catch myself seeking to make it better...just as an alcholic reaches for the glass...I catch myself and say, "No, that is not going to work.  Whatever I get from that is not going to last.  It is not going to bring joy.  What I need is already in me." Then I step back...just like the alcholic might step away from the bar.  I go without the buzz and I turn around to face reality straight on! Ugh!

I truly, truly believe that everything I need is in me already. I do.  I am not feeling it all the time, if at all, but I know it is there.  I know the reason I am not feeling it is because I have a big heavy curtain between it and my evolving consciousness. My samskaras are in the way.

Obstructed

I feel like cat with a big giant furball in my sushumna. I know it needs to come up.  I am going to be in pain until it does. I stopped trying to resist it when it comes up, or life when it triggers me. I stopped  pushing it back  down.  I go between  trying to cough it up and just passively waiting for it to come up.  It is awakward and unpleasant but I know it is obstructing that which I truly want...freedom and a love for life that is unimpeded by all the trigger and craps it is getting hit by. I want it up and I want it out.

I feel glimpses of light escaping through this blockage like an alcholic probably feels in their early recovery.  I do feel lighter without all this resistance.  Surrender certainly brings peace but I am not happy. This stuff inside is heavy and though I can not define it by shape or size I feel it pulling me down.  I want it out! I want to move to the next stage of recovery. I  not only want to be clean but I want to be clear. Sigh!

And I am constantly tempted.  I catch myself triggered and "wanting".  I catch myself thinking, "If I could only do this for my children...get them there...then I would find peace. If I  could only finish this book and get it out there...maybe I will make money off it, some distracting notoriety,  at the same time I serve...If only I could  get my PHd so I could escape this feeling of inadeqaucy I have. ...I would be happy then." I still get caught up in hoping that things out there will change so things in here will feel better.  I forget that my mission is to change in here regardless of what is happening out there.  I forget that my mission is to clear out the junk. Sigh!  I am committed to that.

That hope for easier external events to deal with, however, used to give me a buzz.  I miss that buzz. 

Oh well, I haven't slipped too much.  I am committed to my practice. It is just a challenging stage to be in. At the same time I know it is an imporatnt stage to be in.  I am so grateful that I am no longer escaping reality.  I am so grateful that I am here. 

I just keep reminding myself that I am whole and complete within myself. Someday the furball and all the samskaras will be gone. Someday I will be clear and free.Sigh!

Hmm! All is well in my world. 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe. (July 1, 2024) Truth-Looking Beyond the Appearance of Things. https://tou.org/talks/