Attachment is the source of all our pleasures now. We are attached to our friends, to our relatives; we are attached to our intellectual and spiritual works; we are attached to external objects, so that we gain pleasure from them. What again brings misery but this very attachment?
Vivekananda
Singapore bots are fading away...numbers dwindling down to zero and it is all good. I always preferred the quieter and smaller social gatherings to the larger. Though I can stand in front of large crowds to speak, I don't like big noisy parties. I find it too stimulating. I can teach large classes but I prefer tutoring one on one. The energy of too many people at once gets to me....the energy of too many numbers ( even if it all just bot activity) on my stats gets to me too.
I like to focus on people one on one. (My readership is probably one on one lol...thank you reader.) My daughter, for example, had a belated birthday celebration for me at her place yesterday and though it was very nice I would much prefer a one on one with each individual that was there. And the gifts...so lovely and thoughtful...but I feel a little overwhelmed by them when I look around my house. As people I care about know...I love flowers...but I look about my house now and it feels a bit like a wake. So, so beautiful...each and every flower and I am so grateful for every kind thought...I am ...but I feel overstimulated by it all. I am not sure if it is triggering an old samskara of unworthiness and being undeserving or if it is just reminding me of how "detached" I have become. A bit of both, I guess, but leaning heavy towards detachment. I woke up this morning thinking of detachment and desirelessness.
Detachment and desirelessness?
I don't know what I want anymore? I don't know what I truly desire? If anything. I had people ask me what I wanted for my birthday and I sincerley said, "I don't know. Please just don't fuss over this. Get me nothing." So my allowing gifts and birthday celebrations was because they felt like they needed to do something...it was for them. I was very very grateful for the thoughtfulness of all...but it never felt "right". I was not attached to any of it.
There was a time in my life where I would have looked to be honored in such a way as a show of how much I was worth to others. I would take pictures of my flowers and gifts so I could cling to them or even show ppl on social media how others were validating my worth. I see now how unsubstantial that was. It was just something that reinforced this concept I had of "little me". It also helped to prevent some samskara triggering. There were times I went without that validation and it hurt this idea of "little me" deeply. Now that I have it in abundance...I don't...want it? I just want peace...and somehow and for some strange reason this interfered with my peace...the physical world's pleasures are somehow interfering with my peace in many more ways than a birtday recognition.
We have to detach ourselves to earn joy. If only we had power to detach ourselves at will, there would not be any misery. That man alone will be be able to get the best of nature, who, having the power of attaching himself to a thing with all his energy, has also the power to detach himself when he should do so. Vivekananda
I don't know what I want from this physical world anymore...if anything. Alan Watts taught that if you didn't know what you wanted this was desirelessness and meant you were on the path to enlightenment. I am not sure I am any further ahead than anyone else lol but he also said we don't want for two reasons. You don't want because you already have it or you don't know who you are. Hmm! I already have what I need inside me...I do know that. I am not sure exactly how to get it to come out from under all the junk I stuffed on top of it...but I know it is there. And I don't know...I mean I don't know at the nonconceptual level ...who I am yet. Working on both of these things. I also know at some deep level now that this world cannot give me what I need. I am in this world but not of it. Knowing this leaves me feeling very strange. (I can almost hear you saying...." Yeah...you are strange all right, crazy lady?")
So what do I want? Answering that question quickly and without truly knowing if it was coming from ego or deeper, I would say "Peace...I want peace." I want to be able to be at peace no matter what.
How do we find unconditional peace? We detach and let go. We become desireless. So, it is taking me ( as the little me and as the deeper I) around in one big circle, isn't it? So how, in this circle, do we go about life if we have no wants or desires except for peace?
Therefore says the Gita: Work constantly; work, but be not attached; be not caught. Reserve unto yourself the power of detaching yourself from everything, however beloved, however much the soul might yearn for it, however great the pangs of misery you feel if you were going to leave it....(Vivekananda: 2.1 Work and its Secret)
We give, not for the sake of return, but for the sake of giving. We cannot be attached to the fruits of our actions. I get that too...I really do...so awkwardly and still very unsure of myself as this diminished "little me" I continue to give, expecting nothing in return. Or do I?
It is somehow awkward to give though...like this book I felt compelled to write to help others speak English so their lives, already challenged with so much, is easier. I felt great joy writing it. I felt peace writing it. I enjoyed the time I spent writing it and the intention and motivation behind my writing it felt pure. Yet, when it comes to passing it on ego steps in...shamer ego...to say things like, "Who do you think you are writing a book outside your skill set and then sending it off to someone who probably doesn't even want it? " There was peace in the writing of it when the intention was giving...not so much peace in the actual giving?
I have yet to detach from some things obviously. Am I desiring something from this process and from what I created? I don't know. Hmmm!
I know this also transposes into our relationships. I know I am detaching in some strange way from others as well. I do not love them any less...I just seem to love all more...if that makes any sense. I do not just want to serve a selected few...I want to serve all. Hmm! So strange...I know.
...when he did not tie his soul to any particular voice and submerged into it...then the song of the thousand voices consisted of a single word...from Siddhartha
So much to think about.
All is well.
Herman Hess. (n.d.) Siddhartha. Amazon Edition.
Swami Vivekananda ( n.d.) Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda; (2.1 Work and Its Secret.) Kindle
Wiara/ Alan Watts ( 2023) Alan Watts-Let Go of Attachment. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ndbmP5C-gK8
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