Fun and The Felt Texture of Lived Life

Girls just wanna have fun...I wanna be the one to walk in the sun...Girls just wanna have fun...

Cydni Lauper

If subjective experience is the felt texture of a lived life we have within awareness, what might this awareness actually be?

Daniel Siegel, Aware (tarcher perigee; 2020), page 160

Those were the two quotes on my mind when I sat down here to write today. 

What the Fork? How can you relate these two, crazy lady?

Easily actually.  I can even relate them to today's, and even Thursday's podcast, from Michael Singer. 

Girls do just wanna have fun and to  be the one to walk in the sun ( be free) so they can truly experience the texture of a lived life.

Huh?...

What is it that most of us, not just the 'girls', really, really want?

We want to have fun...in our life experience. 

What is fun?

F for fulfillment, freedom, 

U for undisturbed by life events, untainted by samskaras, untethered by attachments

N for no-self, Natural Self,

Well I am not sure if Cyndi saw it that way but that is the way I see it.  That is what fun is to me.

And this "felt texture of lived life", what is that?

The felt texture is the true experience of being in the moment, truly touching all that Life gives us whether the texture is smooth and silky or rough and course enough to make the finger tips bleed.  It is loving all of  the perfectly imperfect just the way it is. 

When I look at my life from the human perspective...from that ego that is still convinced it has to "get" things from life in order to be happy...I am not having a heck of a lot of fun.  I still don't feel like "I made it" yet...that I am fulfilled.  I still find myself thinking at times, "When I get this...when I accomplish this...then I will be fulfilled." I definitely don't feel free...I am still bonded to this earth and physical form  with some type of Superglue. Despite my practice and 'how far I have come', I am still grasping and clinging at times for things 'out there', allowing myself to be pulled down into the "nasty" when I fail to get them or hang onto them. I still, very much, get disturbed by life events.  I still feel  the samskaras rumbling in my insides, not yet free, causing all kinds of discomfort.  I am still bound to this earth by a desire for it to be something other than what it is. Oh yeah, and there is still a self, a tormented and tormenting little ego always getting in the way of my Fun, preventing this natural flow of Self, of Shakti, of Sat Chit Ananda from flowing freely through. 

I am not fully touching Life. My self, my samskaras, this busy judging, resisting mind is too often in the way  of that felt texture of a lived life. Though I have more moments than I ever had in the past, though I am closer to awareness than I have ever been, I know I am not living life completely in the now.  My ego, my overactive mind and my samskaras are still very much in the way.

I am having  an experience of watching 'this human' again, possibly with less compassion than she deserves, but just the same I watch her complete and tidy up this little book she is writing for newcomers. She can't tell if the project has become an obsession and major distraction from the reality of her life or a true inspiration motivated by a desire to serve.  Ego and samskara keep getting in the way of her truly feeling the texture of the experience. 

Hours, hours, were spent on putting it together at the expense of other things. Then passing on the unpublished draft to others has left her wondering and questioning her motivations, possibly beating herself up a bit. "Who am I to think I could write a book like this and pass it on to others? I am probably bothering them more than helping? Oh what an ego...shame, shame, shame."... 

I see it all clearly ...I see that deeply rooted samskara that has taken up most of her life being triggered. I know where it comes from.  I watch as it gets aggravated and "this human'' reacts.  I experience that resistance and that self doubt, self-punishment in the body like a giant knot.  I feel the darkness like some movie set prop being set off. I get pulled down into the belly of the beast again. Sigh!

I know why...or at least I assume I know why... there is such reaction there.  This samskara, that I have been intending with every meditataion and yoga practice to allow up, is inching and crawling its way up into the light. That is a good thing...I know...but it doesn't feel like a good thing. What is stored in pain comes up in pain. It is in the way of me seeing clearly. Sigh!

So, I am questioning the true nature of this inspiration I had to write this book. Was it for this part of self that still remains...the ego...that is looking for something from the outcome of this book? It is true I am always trying to redeem myself from this shame I feel. Is that why I wrote this book?

Or was it for something deeper?  Could it have simply been for the inspiration to create and to have fun with the process? Truth is, I enjoyed writing it.  Every moment here learning, writing, sharing, growing went by without me even being aware of time. I feel a sweet challenge...that  sweet spot of motivation between boredom and anxiety , what is known as the Yerkes -Dodson law. I am in a flow state as I write. And I love when that happens in my writing even if it is about a subject matter that many would find boring and even beyond my skill set ( that is why I hit this sweet spot...because this challenge  involved learning and growing on my end, as well as possibly offering something of value to others.) 

This project has literally consumed 'this human' I call 'me' over the last few months. And there always seems to be more to do wth it...my not finishing it might have something to do with an attachment to the process and what I am getting from it...sigh. I don't know.

It is so complicated. I am not thinking of outcome...I am really not.  I am not sure if, or where, I will publish it.  I have my reader, in writing that is all I need.  So what will happen with it...I don't know.

 Ego keeps coming up to 'this human' with the "Shame, shame, shame " thing.  This samskara is so big and easily triggered anyway...like a giant aneurysm that responds to every bump and rumble. Imagine, feeling shame every time you want to do something good for others. Hmmm! But I know it is almost up.  The more it hurts, the closer I am to release of it once and for all. 

Truth is, this girl is not yet having a lot of fun...but she will.  I know this book or anything else out there that I do or gain has no power to give me anything.  It is the awareness underneath  that matters. This book writing is just something 'this human 'does. I can have  fun with it. I can have fun watching this human create. I can have fun  watching this samskara release as I watch  'this human' find her way to awareness.  I can have fun with it all.

That fun, Cydni Lauper, is inside every girl. The felt texture of Life can be beautiful in whatever form it comes in.  I am convinced of that.

All is well in my world. 

Michael Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( July 7, 2024) Working directly on what you really want. https://tou.org/talks/

Michael Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( July 4, 2024) Journey from Distraction to Liberation. https://tou.org/talks/