Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates:
- Is it true?
- Is it necessary?
- Is it kind?
Yesterday I was almost caught in a reaction but I was able to step back before I spoke out re-actively. This "story" has a lot to do with the "my", "mine" when it comes to stuff and how I view this stuff as a reflection of me. If people do not respect "my" stuff, "I" (this little clump of flesh and mind I erroneously believe I am) will feel greatly disrespected. This was a tendency in me for a very, very long time. Life is helping me to work through this tendency by bringing people into my life who do not think the way I do. They have very little concern or respect for property, in general.
The Story
I have Raynaud's Syndrome in my hands ( my hands get very cold and very painful if I expose them to the cold). No big deal I suppose until you are left to go outside into an Atlantic Canada winter with nothing on the hands. I have tried many times to make this little fact clear to the people around, even breaking out in tears one day in my pleading for them to understand. Why? So they would not leave me without a pair of mittens.
You see, I have one pair of mittens. (That is my responsibility) I have in the past reacted very strongly to people taking "my" mittens and using them to clean off cars and stuff...getting them wet and making them unwearable. Or taking them with them wherever they were going. I have made it a point to ensure the others who tend to take "my" mittens have their own...that they have, in fact, more than one pair so they would have the warm, pain-free hands I want to have and also so they would leave "my" mittens alone. Well, having little concern for material property ( and I strongly consider this lack of attachment to material things to be a very skillful quality to have as long as it is mindful) they would easily forget or displace where they placed this hand-wear that I or others have given them. They could go through four or five pairs of hand-wear in a month. So there are times, in haste and not feeling they have the time to look for their own hand-wear, they will see mine and take it. They may have the intention of returning what is "mine" but because of what they label as "forgetfulness", and what I see as a "lack of mindfulness" and a different perspective than my own when it comes to concern for property or my expressed needs ...will often forget, misplace them or they may return these mittens wet and unwearable.
Speaking Out
So I proceeded again and again in the past to speak out with my explanation about why I need my mitts, how important it is to me that they do not take them or return them wet, and how it triggers a sense of being disrespected and a feeling that my needs are not being considered, in me. That speech is often met with the person's defensive view point ( and it is very normal when we feel confronted to get defensive) , "They are only mittens! I never thought it was a big deal!" I will hold my ground and stress, "I do not want you to take my mitts again." They will usually shrug their shoulders, look confused about why I was so upset and half hardheartedly agree. To which, I will usually sigh and walk away ...hoping that I made my point clear this time but at the same time reminding myself I may have to hide, protect and defend what I consider to be "mine"in living situation.
If this scenario only took place once...it wouldn't be a big deal to me. But the same scenario has happened enough times, the same words have been spoken enough times, that I feel that I more than made myself clear. After the sixth time of my explaining, complaining, pleading... I strongly felt, "It shouldn't happen again." I stopped hiding what was "mine" because doing so felt so petty of me...so "unwholesome". There is, after all, no real "me", "my" or "mine" is there?
"Oh No! Not Again!"
Well yesterday, while I was getting the dogs ready for a walk I went to grab "my" mittens from the place I was keeping them and they weren't there. My heart sunk, "Oh no! Not again!" The fact that I had no mittens to walk the dogs with was unpleasant enough but the real issue was that this triggered automatically that knot in me where I feel disrespected if "my" property or expressed needs aren't being respected. The new pain was bumping into some old pain. I felt terribly disrespected and unseen, unheard. What made this worse...was I knew this person had access to two pairs of their own hand-wear if they would have taken the time to retrieve it...hand-wear that was much too big for me to wear while handling the leashes.
The intention to react was very strong in me when I was not even sure if this person had "my" hand-wear. My gut told me they did though. So I texted asking if they had my mitts...wanting to express the "wrongness" of it, to evoke a bit of guilt... I worded it, "You don't have my mitts do you?" A subtle, "How dare you if you do."
I didn't wait for an answer. I knew how it would make me feel to hear what I knew I would hear. I didn't want an argument. I didn't want to hurt the other. I didn't want to hurt myself by getting all rawled up. ...so I left my phone where it was, borrowed a pair of mitts from my daughter...luckily she was home... and took my dogs, who waited much too long while I searched for mitts, for a walk. While I was walking I began to ruminate over this situation. I realized in an instant I was slipping away from awareness of where I was in the beautiful wooded spot with happy dogs, the snow coming down on top of us, the crunch of the earth beneath my feet and my breath. I was getting drawn into a reactive mind.
I decided at that moment that I did not want to be disturbed. That I would choose peace rather than this. I came back to body, to breath, and to the beautiful surroundings I was in, to the present moment. I came home. It was a lovely peaceful walk.
Not Reacting
When I did get back to the house, I slowly, without too much need to, checked my messages and there was the answer I thought would throw me over the top. This person had my mittens. I did not react. I simply told them to drive home safely. I told myself I would open a talk about it when it felt right and I would not sweat it. It is what it is. The situation is what it is. The hurt and frustration at the surface of me is what it is. The knot in me is what it is. (Though it seemed to unravel a bit and I realized I was not ashamed of it being there anymore). This person is who they are. I am who I am. Our relationship is what it is as it reveals itself even more. It was suddenly all okay as it was.
Speaking Through the Gates
I knew I would express myself again at a time that felt right...and I would remember the above quote. I would speak the necessary truth and I would do so kindly (that "kindly" also meant being kind to myself by gently asserting my rights). So I did. I felt so distant from what I was saying like it was not a big deal to me...and it really wasn't ...the emotions had already passed through... but I knew this truth had to be expressed. The individual, who is kind, gentle and wonderful in so many ways, maybe in his own guilt and sense of being attacked by truth, expressed that he felt I was once again making a big deal out of nothing. I listened but I did not own the usual shame I would have felt over "making a big deal about a pair of mittens". I felt calmer than I felt during the last six times I expressed myself about this. ...could feel that calmness and lack of reactivity in my voice and in every cell of me. I watched as what I was saying passed through the gate of truth, through the gate of necessity and through the gate of kindness.
I have no idea if what I had to say was received, if I will see change in this area. That is beyond me. My part is done.
Mine-ness?
Will also have to look deeper into this idea of "mine-ness" again. Is it unwholesome to possess and cling so to something that brings relief from physical pain? I know I would gladly offer these mitts up to someone I felt needed them more than me...in a heart beat...I just have a hard time allowing someone take what is important to "me" in "my" body so mindlessly, so carelessly and so thoughtlessly when they don't need it (my perception only, of course). I have to work on that. And though I am making great strides, I am not there yet:
As I sat here to write this morning, I began to look for the thumb drive that I back up all my writing on...everything I ever wrote, pretty much, is stored on that...and if you think I am overly protective of my mitts...you can imagine just how protective I am of this drive. I have more than expressed the "mineness" of it, and more than warned people not to touch it when they wanted to use it for downloading and printing purposes elsewhere. I was like "Everything I am is on that drive...no...you definitely cannot use it!" I have spoke that truth more than once ...let me tell ya! Well today I looked for it in its usual place and it is not there. You know where my mind is going, right?
Sigh!
All is well in my world.
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