Not Guarding the Space?

 Be the ever alert guardian of your inner space.

Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

Protecting the Inner Space

Do you protect your inner space? Or do you blast it all over the page like I seem to be  doing here? 

I absolutely love my inner space, my solitude and quiet, my peace of mind,  and I want so much to protect it so I have a hiding place to retreat into when the world gets to be too much. .  Yet here I am on a public site with my vulnerable parts open and exposed as I bleed out all over the blank page.  

I found myself slipping into the fifth hindrance today...skeptical doubt.  I found myself, questioning as I do so often, "What the Fudge am I doing here?"  

Here I am, this person who likes solitude  and who has spent  much of life hiding in the shadows...not wanting to stand out...now writing, speaking and teaching (well...sharing my learning) about things that will definitely make "me" stand out ( and not necessarily in a positive way lol). 

Why am I doing this? Who do I think I am...I have not trained for years in a monastery to be a dharma teacher, nor do I have a PhD in psychology, theology or philosophy? Why am I exposing "myself" like this?  

I really don't know except I feel pulled to do it.  I will have these momentary pangs of doubt followed by a lot of shaming and self deprecation for my grandiosity ...I may even step back and away for a while...then the next thing you know I am coming here all excited to do it again.  What is up with that?  

I feel pumped when I come here to write or do a video. I mean, pumped.

Is it ego? 

I do still react to increases in readership or favorable comments by getting all puffed up like a peacock...I know that is ego.  I react to declines in readership as well...seeing that as a a sign that I am wasting my time; getting my just desserts for exposing myself so ridiculously. .  ( I mean ...I don't have a lot of readership in the first place and it is very hard to estimate how many readers I actually have on this site and why they are actually tapping in. So a decline makes me question if what I have to say is going anywhere.) That is ego too.

Am I gratifying my ego in anyway by coming here?  I don't think so...at least not a lot. Ego wants me to be read, for sure, but not "exposed" like this.  It wants my novels, fiction, and less risky topics to be published.  It wants to polish up a more socially pleasing image of "me"  to present to the world...not this totally imperfect, hippy like,  status quo questioning person. Yet...out she comes again and again.  And do you want to know the crazy thing about all this?  I like her lol.  I like the person who is speaking in my videos.  I resonate with everything said.  I like the writer I am reading when I reread through my blogs. I click with what is said.  So someone is getting something from all this..."me".

Is it "me"...this little clump of flesh, and mind; this accumulation of experiences, thoughts and feelings; this entity that calls itself a writer, speaker, among a thousand other roles...that is getting something from this, that I seem to be resonating with?  I don't think so.  I think it is something deeper than all that...that pulls me here every morning, that sits me down and whispers in my ear telling me what to write( not literally...I am not hearing voices lol), and that does all this without any real external validation or reward.  Like I said...I have no idea ( with the exception of a few kind, encouraging comments from a few readers) how all "this" ( whatever it is) is being received. It doesn't seem to matter. It is like the guiding force is telling me, "just do the writing and the speaking and do not concern yourself with outcome...that part is none of your business. We will take it from here." I feel a little pull, a gentle little push and here I am. Cra-cra...isn't it? 

Anyway...so I will continue to come here, write here and now speak here because I feel compelled to do so.  It may seem like I am exposing my inner space so carelessly, so recklessly...but I am being pulled to, and I would like to think,  for some greater good I may never understand. Hmmm! 

All is well.