When we can trust Self we can trust others....Trust is internal
Br. Phap Dung
I found myself swept away again on a written thought stream. My reactions to what I perceive as "the unconsciousness"of others, being the topic of choice. (And it is a choice...even though it doesn't seem like it. We can choose what we think about.)
When I allow it to...this mental story carries me away every time from my committed practice of finding safety, solidity and refuge within the Self. This story telling and building is a reaction I tend to have when I am triggered to remember the unconsciousness in another. I react to awareness of this unconsciousness with fear and aversion....with a strong desire to create space between me and it. I do not trust this unconsciousness and that means I do not trust my ability to cope with it and find that place of safety, solidity and refuge when it is around me. I don't think I can handle it. I don't feel safe. I also feel guilty for allowing my need for external and internal safety to force me into decisions that others do not agree with.
There are a hundred legitimate reasons why I don't feet safe. Many things have happened in the past (directly derived from the unconsciousness of this individual as well as the unconsciousness of others) that have left deep scars in me, making trusting challenging. My form, my property and my my mind were at risk before for harm and injury as were the forms, properties and minds of others. I do not want to cling to this past because it is just that.. past...and not necessarily the reality of my experience here and now. I would like to say and see that the individual involved has changed...has evolved from a lower level of consciousness to a higher one, making these risks less likely to manifest. And he has...tremendously so...but has he evolved to the point he and and others are telling me he has? Has he evolved to the point where his intentions are for the higher good and can be trusted? My gut tells me no.. My gut tells me he is still being pulled into this unconsciousness and maybe his intention to rise higher is not as valid as we had all hoped....for whatever reason. I can still feel compassion for him and where he is right now.
I see superficial steps toward recovery, I do, and they are huge. Maybe that is how we all start right...at the most outer layer and work our way down? Though I celebrate these achievements, I see it only as a fragile beginning....a very rocky, and unstable beginning. I have yet to see the willingness to take those hard steps toward true recovery.. I still see his primary motivation as narcissistic fulfillment and immediate gratification of "ego" needs. Though I want to support and help him in recovery, as much as another person can, I personally find it hard to "sacrifice" more than I have already to feed some one else's ego. That's what I feel like I have been doing. Ego grows so big when we feed it...to the point it gets so angry when we don't. That is another reason I don't feel safe. I stopped feeding it.
The thing, I have to remember, is that I am the reason I don't feel safe...not this person's level of unconsciousness. My fear, my aversion and my resistance are mine...coming form me. I am responsible for those. If I continually practice finding the safe, solid refuge of Self within me...it won't matter what type of consciousness I am facing in another. I will be able to feel safe around the unconsciousness of anyone. Hmm!
For now...until he and I get our bearings straight...I will make some space between "my person" and his unconscious energies. I will continue to seek the innocence beneath the ego directed mind and remind myself again and again, that all but for the grace of God go I.
All is well.
Plum Village ( January, 2018) Brother Phap Dung & Breathe, Remember, Return. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIjxJ9TONGU
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