Going Deeper

 

The deeper you go, the more likely you will find something of value.

Bruce Mau

Hmmm!  I reread and revisited what I wrote about yesterday and I find myself dipping back into guilt for my perception. Maybe not guilt, so much as a realization of the unwholesome and unskillful nature of such a thought stream.  I see it all as a "wrong view" which, for sure, in many ways it is.  

Why is it wrong view? I am watering the wrong seeds.

Huh?

1. I am failing to remember that the images we have of others are just mirrors into our own internal worlds.  (Hawkins, 2012)What I see in this individual, I see in myself.  The part of the unconsciousness I notice in him, is the unconsciousness that still lingers in me. It represents a part of me I don't like and don't want up in my conscious mind. So as it is triggered,  I am projecting it outward,  to some degree,  onto this individual. I judge his unconsciousness so I do not have to admit to  my own.  I judge his habit mind directed greed and selfishness so I don't have to admit to my own. I too can be unconscious.  I too can do what I can to have my ego needs met, sometimes at the expense of others.  I still get pulled down again and again by habit energy.  Habit energy is so strong in me. I can only imagine how powerful it is  for individuals operating from "addict mind".  Though, like I said, there is some legitimate  reason for and history to my fear, could it be that the fear of his energy is actually a fear of my own, projected outward?

2. My view is not "deep" enough. I am still stuck focusing  on the horizontal line of the superficial world, on superficial issues.  My relationship with him, my living arrangements, my sense of "personal" safety is a superficial issue.  I am not following the vertical line, the spiritual line  down to the roots ...to the "ultimate concerns" ( Br. Phap Dung, 2017) to see the ultimate meaning in it. If my major focus remained on becoming solid, stable and as steady as a mountain; as fresh, joyful and as flowering as a flower;  as clear minded as a still lake or as light, free and empty/detached as space...I would not be watering the seeds of fear, distrust, anger or resentment on the superficial plane, would I be? (see video below). His level of unconsciousness would not effect me.  It is my attention on it that waters these seeds. He would still be a recovering addict with unconscious energy patterns but I would find it easier to handle his behaviors and his choices.  I would not be so impacted by them. I would choose, instead,  to water the seeds of  loving kindness and compassion toward him...which I do. The weeds of anger, resentment, fear, and distrust, however,  keep getting watered too and these weeds are overtaking my mind's garden. 

3. Though I outwardly practice kindness and compassion toward him.  My inner experience  has been tainted by thoughts, feelings and sometimes speech that is contrary to my goals. As long as I am focusing on his unconscious energy, I am failing to heal from my own. To heal and deepen my practice I need to take my eyes off of others and turn them inward.  I need to look deep into my own wounds that are triggered and poked at when I am around this energy, my own habits and my own views. I need to go deeper.

Say What Crazy Lady? 

What does this all translate into on the superficial plane of existence? Do I deny what my gut is telling me? No. Do I bend over backwards to feed his ego needs? Definitely not. Do I deny my own needs, like the fact  I need some physical space here to heal my wounds? No...I need to create a certain physical space between us, for now. Does it mean I believe him and  others that  "he is all better" when he has yet to complete a rehab program or go to a meeting or stop using substances. Definitely not.  Does that mean that I trust his unconscious energy ? No

What it  means is that I trust the practice to heal me so I can give him, myself and the world what is truly needed...not what ego says it needs. What is needed is a solid, joyful, clear minded and "detached" me. I am obviously not there yet but that is okay...from here I can begin. He is not where he can be yet either...that is okay...from here we can begin. 

To heal this relationship, I need to accept him right where he is at this stage of his evolution and love him from there. To cultivate the seeds of loving kindness and compassion, I need to stop watering the seeds that come from this idea that "He should be different than he is, I should be different than I am right now, and our relationship should be different than it is."  It is what it is. 

I also need to, instead of focusing on the physical consequences of his unconsciousness in the past, present and the potential future,  look for the goodness and innocence that is within him as it is within us all. I can look for and point out all the  steps he has taken toward recovery and they were huge, all the wonderful things he is ( and there is a lot he is...bright; he has demonstrated compassion toward animals and others in need on many occasions, he  loves his Dad, he can be very  polite and outwardly appreciative etc)  

I can do the same for myself. Instead of beating myself up with my guilt for my less than fully evolved nature and reaction to his unconsciousness, I can accept that this is where I am at in my going deeper...I can love and accept myself from here.  I can be compassionate with my need to heal from wounds, my need for space, my own unconsciousness and reactivity. 

Hmmm! It all begins with accepting where we are right here, right now. This is where we are and we will only get to a better place from here. 

All is well! 

David R. Hawkins ( 2012). Letting Go: A Pathway of Surrender. New York: Hay House ( Kindle Edition) 

Plum Village/ Brother Phap Dung (August, 2017) Heal the Wounds and  Transform our Habits. Wake Up Earth Retreat https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ek3xkieaZg0