Stress is determined by our belief systems and their associated emotional pressures. It is not the external stimulus, then, that is the cause of stress, but our degree of reactivity.
David R. Hawkins
A Trigger
I felt the sting of ego this morning as I sat at the table with D. for our Sunday morning coffee/tea and excitedly asked , "Do you want to see the video I put up yesterday?"
The Reaction to External Stimuli
When he put aside his people pleasing tendency and his usual desire to accommodate me and said "No. Not right now," I felt that all too familiar sting of rejection brewing in my gut and the flush of shame reddening my face. Thoughts came pouring into my conscious mind, "He doesn't like your videos or your blog...he is only listening and reading out of obligation to please you. He doesn't appreciate or understand where you are at now on your journey. Who could? He is just saying he does to avoid conflict. If he, this guy that is always trying to please you, openly admits that he does not want to see your videos, who else would? "
I went quickly from a reaction of self degradation, shame and doubt to one of anger, blame and wanting to make guilty. "Hmmm! How dare he tell me he is where I am at when he obviously isn't. We are on two different planets. He doesn't get me. I don't want him near "my stuff" pretending to appreciate it when he obviously doesn't appreciate me or it."
I turned to him, with a pouty lip, and the sting of rejection still staining my cheeks... said, "You never have to listen to my videos or read my blogs. I can see you are not interested in what I am doing. I would appreciate from now on, that you don't pretend to be. "
He of course defended himself by saying, "I do want to listen...just not right now. I just got up."
I nodded my head and pushed my video displaying phone ( together with parts of my shadow self that were so coming out of the box I had them stuffed in), out of his sight.
Stress results from the accumulated pressure of our repressed and suppressed feelings. The pressure seeks relief, and so the external events only trigger what we have been holding down, both consciously and unconsciously.
Wrapping it in Awareness
I was aware though, of what was going on inside me...I could feel the very low level emotions coming out of their hiding place: the sting of rejection, the shame, the sense of failure, the doubt in myself. I could hear these inner voices echoing years of stuffed core beliefs. There were the newer voices: "You know any validation you got from D. in the past, was just given to please you. It wasn't sincere. You could tell him you wanted to start a new project of making skin coats out of the neighbors' bodies and he would smile and say, "Really? That's nice. Let me know how I can help." He actually thinks it is all ridiculous. And he is right. Imagine trying to express your learning in the way you do...who does that?? Why are you exposing yourself so embarrassingly ? Can't you see how ridiculous it all is...how ridiculous you are?"
With these newer voices, up came the older, more deeply stuffed ones: "No one will ever truly understand you or appreciate you or what you feel compelled to do. You are strange. No one really wants to hear what you have to say. You are not worthy of an audience. "
It was really noisy and nasty in my head for a few minutes, let me tell ya.
Letting go involves being aware of a feeling, letting it come up, staying with it, and letting it run its course without wanting to make it different or do anything about it. It means simply to let the feeling be there and to focus on letting out the energy behind it....Let go of wanting to resist the feeling. It is resistance that keeps the feeling going. ...
Moving Up and Feeling Lighter
I was, however, so aware of what was going on inside me as it was going on. I was aware when those lower emotions started moving up to a slightly higher level emotion. I could feel the shame turning to anger and resentment. The fear and doubt I was feeling turning to blame and the blame to a desire to make guilty. I was aware that I climbed up some invisible ladder from a rung where I was cringing with shame for even asking him, to one where I wanted him to feel guilty for not wanting to watch my video. I had reached the rung where I wanted him to pay through his own guilt and shame. I was also aware of how these upper ladder feelings, though far from the feelings I assumed an enlightened person would feel, felt better than the feeling of rejection, shame, unworthiness etc. I could see, on quick reflection, how I was moving up some emotional ladder.
When you give up resisting or trying to modify the feeling, it will shift to the next feeling and be accompanied by a lighter sensation.
As I creeped and crawled up, I eventually became aware of acceptance. I was seeing what was happening and realized the silliness of it all...For a moment after that realization, I slipped back down the ladder into guilt then shame for what I was thinking, feeling and experiencing, but thanks to my practice was able, without too much effort, to crawl back up to acceptance. I neutrally recognized, from there, the reactivity of my mind and how one simple little statement from another: "No. Not right now." triggered the stuff inside me. Like a pin used to pick a lock, it caused the door of the Pandora's box where my shadow self lay hidden, to spring open. All this stuff I didn't want others to see, all this stuff I didn't want to see in me, came up to my consciousness in a matter of milliseconds. I reacted like a human being overly conditioned to react. The trick was in not resisting my reaction.
A feeling that is not resisted will disappear as the energy behind it dissipates.
Hmmm! With that realization, I got up walked away and came back to the table with a smile on my face. I still felt a bit of discomfort and pain...but all that I experienced was now wrapped in a soft blanket of mindfulness and self-compassion. So when D. asked to see the video ( probably because my reaction did what the ego wanted it to do...triggered him to feel guilty...) and within seconds I could see him drifting off and unable to focus...I did not react. I responded kindly and said "It is okay. I see you were not into that and it is okay."
His reaction to the video was okay...it was what it was. More importantly, my reaction to his reaction was okay too. It was simply a result of years of programming and conditioning, years of stuffed and stored pain and memory, years of habit. I can't beat myself up for that, can I?
Moving Away From Habit Energy
Getting to the point where we become aware of our habit energies when they are emerging is such a giant step forward in our healing process. Recognizing and seeing the thoughts, beliefs and emotional energies that we have trapped inside us...shows us that they are no longer trapped. They are no longer hidden away. They are no longer stuck. They are freed from the box they were hidden in and are now making their way up, through and eventually out.
Isn't that amazing? We can heal from our tendency to react negatively to stimuli that once had the power to trigger us by simply being aware. We need to be aware of our tendency toward reactivity as human beings. We need to be aware that within us are a host of suppressed, repressed, dejected, hidden, denied, and feared emotional energies waiting to be released. We need to be aware of our tendency to hold the lid of that box down over these "unwanted" experiences and all the energy it requires from our life to do that. We need to be aware how external stimuli in the form of circumstances, thoughts, things other people say or do effects us, how it "pokes our stuff" . It can cause us to squish down those emotional energies and close up even more. Or it can be the key that opens up the lid so these emotional energies can be released. Be aware that it will be much better for Self and the world to have them released. Without them in us, we will be lighter and freer. There will be nothing left to get triggered .would there be? Therefore there would be no more reactivity. We will have more energy for Life.
Every strong emotion is really a composite of a number of subsidiary emotions and the total emotional complex can be disassembled.
We can disassemble those emotional blocks within us through awareness and letting go our resistance.
All is well!
David R. Hawkins (2012) Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender. New York: Hay House (Kindle Edition)
