ACIM-W-121:7:5-7
The Warning
It is three in the morning and I awoke with the pain and this intense warning like feeling in my gut as the missing pieces of memory from yesterday's appointment became so vivid. The pain experience, the realization that there are ego agendas at play here, the remembering of details, all come together like a clanging fire alarm. I could almost hear that clanging, click by click, against my pillow as I lay there, eyes wide open, my stressed heart echoing that very same warning.
Everything in that three a.m. moment seemed to be shouting without making a sound , "You know what this is! Do something!"
I didn't know what to do, so I came here. As soon as I sat down the feeling settled but it is still there.
Not of the Ego
It all sounds so dramatic ...I know...so crazy ego like... but this warning isn't coming from that superficial part of me. I don't even know where it is coming from. Though there is a very real but mild physiological fear response here associated with it ...the realization of this truth, I do not quite understand fully yet, comes from a calm place, a fearless place, where there is no drama.
I am being warned from a place where there is no concept of harm, by the Self that resides there...the Self that is completely invulnerable there. It is telling me in some way and some form...that the vulnerable parts of me (my body, reputation, health seeking..) are at risk of being harmed by an unconscious ego in another. It shows me what I need to know through these vivid details of memory I was unaware I recorded. It wants me to take notice. It wants me to do what I can to prevent/stop this from happening, not just to me, of course, but to others.
Ego is certainly present in the background of all of it, feeding me with a lot of "It is your fault. Oh...why didn't you think to say something, ask to see, question that, get evidence instead of laying there like a stupid little complacent patient wanting nothing more than to escape before you were shamed? Fool!"
How does that saying go? "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
Pseudo-Peace
Truth is, I was fooled . I was fooled by more than an individual's expressed intentions which, on hind sight, differ so greatly from the reality of their actions. I was also fooled by that jpeg function of my mind that kicks in during stressful situations when I choose the desire for peace over truth. Though a desire for peace can guide us to truth...I am being shown that in the un-evolved mind a need for pseudo- peace, in the form of selective perception, can often obscure the truth.
That day, I slipped back into an ego mind that more than anything wanted to avoid more of the health seeking shaming I have experienced in the past. The outer situation appeared to offer an experience where I was being validated rather than shamed for seeking health on some level. The ego was happy and peaceful with that, shutting down the noise of all the other factors occurring in those moments, blurring the background, diminishing depth of field. By focusing only on that I could almost trust that all was over and okay...that there was nothing in body but "normal tissue". I seen and heard what ego wanted to see and hear...nothing more. So on the most superficial level, truth was obscured for ego reasons, leaving me, for the most part, with a pseudo type of peace.
Genuine Peace
Superficial data, was also obscured for other reasons. Amongst the pseudo- peace, I felt moments of genuine peace and faith. There were moments during that appointment and afterwards that I was operating at a higher level. I was unknowingly seeing, not only the forgiving part of Self, but I was seeing the essence of Self in others. In those moments, I was, without any conceptual input on my part, recognizing something so innocent, so harmless in the experience and in the others involved. I recognized that the true Self cannot be harmed by the unconscious intentions of others. I also realized that the true Self I share with others has pure intentions. It does not want me unwell because It does not want to be unwell. It was that that gave me peace more than anything...even though I couldn't process it conceptually in those moments.
The Seemingly Different Levels of Truth
We tend to believe that truth comes in many forms and many levels. I can relate that to my own experience.
Superficial Truth
There is the superficial truth and the deeper truth operating here wanting to be heard. The superficial truth involves what is going on in my body. I need to come to the truth of what that is...prevent it, stop it or manage it somehow. What I was told after the ultrasound, the same thing I was told three times before by this individual, after repeating the very same test that revealed nothing the other two times, does not change anything. The test was just a a consolation prize used to distract others from the golden ring it is much too attached to. It was a means of sloppily proving ego right without having to give into the demands of others that the ego feels will somehow diminish it. (I realized as I wrote this initially that I am harboring anger and wanting to attack...I step back ...breathe and begin again).It was not a test, I believe, to further investigate the changes that showed up on MRI. It was not a test meant to benefit me in any way by bringing me closer to an answer. How could it be? It was, I believe, a test meant protect an ego.
A Deeper Truth
My health seeking experience is offering another superficial truth to be dealt with...this is that part of the outer reality that extends beyond me to others. There is something bigger going on than "me" and "my" body....If this is happening with me, it is happening with others.The deeper part of truth comes with recognizing and understanding the universal effects of unconsciousness in self and others. My warning directs me here more so than anywhere else.
The Deepest And Only Truth
The deepest of all truth, however, comes from the reality that exists beneath what the body and other egos are doing to me, to others, to themselves or the world at large. It comes with the realization that we truly cannot be harmed. Though a warning usually comes when there is a potential threat of harm, with the faint understanding of this truth, I am being told that no harm can be done. So I am being warned of potential harm from a place that does not see harm and knows that I cannot be harmed. Is that not an oxymoron?
I am realizing, as I sit here pondering, that this must be more of a call for learning and teaching than a warning at this level. Hmm! I am being given a bit of a mission, I suppose.
Fulfilling a Function
In order to fulfill this function, however, I must deal with the superficial and deeper truths until I can get beyond them completely. I can not learn and teach if the vehicle I need to get around in, that I need to communicate with, is not functioning. I have to take care of the body.
I cannot speak for others or be an advocate for others if I am not an advocate for my own little self. I must heal at this egoic level before I can help heal others in whatever way I am meant to. I need , therefore, to transcend my shame and fear before I can show others how to do it.
What is really important though...goes beyond these truths, which are not really truths at all but mere perception. The real truth is I cannot be harmed. How can I be afraid, then, to do what I am called to do...which is face the superficial truths and help wake myself and others up to the deeper and deepest truth?
Nothing real can be harmed,
Nothing Unreal Exists
Herein lies the peace of God.
ACIM
How exactly am I to heed this warning? I am not sure yet. I do know the first step was coming here. The second step is recording the details I remember. which I have. I will wait to be told by "the Teacher" what the next step will be and I will proceed accordingly. I know I will be shown the way.The pain is still there but the bells have stopped clanging. I think I can fall back to sleep now as I leave what I wrote here up like I feel so compelled to do.
It is all good.
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