The miracle is much like the body in that both are learning aids for facilitating a state in which they become unnecessary. When spirit's original state of direct communication is reached, neither the body nor the miracle serves a purpose. While you believe you are in a body, however, you can choose between loveless and miraculous channels of expression.
ACIM-T-1:V:1:1-3
Okay I am going back to some learning about the body...and yes...I am going to apply my experience to it.
Yesterday, I felt this strong need to make a decision. I either had to stand up strong despite my shame and fear and demand a diagnosis for what seems to be going on in my body or step back and surrender to or accept that I may never know.
Whenever, I make a big decision I create a Pros and Cons list. I did that here.
The Physical World Pros and Cons for Standing Up and Fighting For A Diagnosis
By "fighting" I simply mean putting effort and strain into pushing back resistance, be it real or imaginary, to get a solid answer as to what is going on in my body.
Pros for fighting for a diagnosis
As long as I need this body to travel around in so I can do what I am here to do, I need it to have a certain level of health and wellness. It is my responsibility to look after this amazing machine I have been given. I need to ensure my energy is not further depleted than it already is by all the other things I deal with including other health issues. I need to conserve what I have.
Even if this is totally benign, the pain, alone, drains me of more energy than I have. If this is something not so benign , on the other hand, I may eventually lose my functioning all together.
I have enough signs and symptoms, and objective data, regardless of what three unnecessary ultrasounds show, to say that this "could be" something. The longer we wait to completely rule out the latter ( and there is only one way to do that) , the faster this grows and the less life span and/or quality of Life I will have to fulfill my function here.
"Not knowing" is extremely painful to a rational mind, like mine, especially a mind that "knows" something is there. Not having that thing that is there recognized and labelled would never sit easy with the rational me and it will drain me into illness.
I have people in my life that love and need me right now. I have to be my best functioning self for them. They already see me so depleted from this heart thing and from my response to so many external stressors at once. With this pain and this "not knowing" I have even less to give.
I have so many things I want to offer the world and this "not knowing" sits like a boulder on my path. I can't seem to see around it. If I can change the "not knowing" into a semblance of "knowing" that sits well in my rational mind, I can roll the boulder away.
Man, don't I just deserve a diagnosis? Like isn't that a reasonable request for anyone with my signs and symptoms and with what is showing up on tests? After four months of waiting, I deserve a clearly defined explanation for what I am palpating and feeling in terms of pain. I would appreciate that very much.
Cons for Fighting For a Diagnosis
Standing up , I believe, would cause a great deal of stress for me. Not only would I have to confront individuals who I "assume" assert a certain power over me and my quest for wellness, but I would also have to confront these core beliefs I have generated over the years with past health seeking experiences.
I would have to "relive" that terrible shame and fear and somehow find some semblance of assertion in that. How can I be assertive when these past experiences have actually left me feeling like one of Skinner's dogs? In response to both external and internal shaming ( mostly internal) I have chosen to stay tucked in a corner, assuming I will be painfully zapped if I step over the line. I am terrified of stepping over the line.
Now this is all on me and what my mind has done with past experiences...how it perceived it, interpreted it, filed it and retrieves it. If there has to be one in this story, my mind is the villain here...I know that. Yet the idea of having to stand up for myself and "fight" it and all the villains it creates out there ...is terrifying. I doubt if I have the physical or mental energy to do so and as I continue to get more and more tired, the less I have.
My mind is already so busy, my plate is already so full with just trying to get by. How am I going to add this struggle to my life and expect to stay well?
The Physical Level Pros and Cons for Surrendering Without A Diagnosis
Pros for Surrendering
Surrendering is easier. I am already hiding in the corner, afraid to venture forward am I not? Learned helplessness makes surrender much, much easier. I can just sigh in relief and do the best to make this little corner I am stuck in as comfy and as homey as possible.
If I surrender, I don't have to exert the energy I feel I don't have.
I don't have to risk the intense pain of shaming I experienced in the past when I asserted that something was indeed wrong with my body to others who didn't have the time to look beyond the obvious.
The emotional pain of my health seeking has always been much more intense than the pain I experienced /experience physically. I can handle the physical pain. It seems to be mentally and emotionally safer to surrender.
Cons
On the physical level, maybe the surrendering I would be doing would be more of a "giving up"?
Maybe it would be more motivated by a fear than by Love, by ego's need to avoid than Self's need to expand?
I know it would definitely cost my mind and my body wellness if I surrendered. Am I ready for that?
Besides maybe instead of surrendering I need to deal with those core beliefs that have dominated my life for so long and begin chipping away at them once and for all. Every time I stand up for myself in my health seeking, as terrifying as it may be, there is a chance that instead of being buried by more shame I will be able to take a chunk of old destructive belief away. Isn't there?
Deeper Level Pros and Cons for Fighting For A Diagnosis
Pros
It comes back to my responsibility to take care of my body so Who I really am can use this vehicle in order to fulfill my purpose here. The Course calls the body a teaching and learning tool, a means of communication.
I can't pour from an empty cup and if my energy continues to deplete , I won't be able to fulfill my purpose.
If my function is to use the medium of words to express, teach, offer some semblance of beauty ( okay that sounds a little grandiose lol) I need a healthy body and mind to do that with. I need a body period. And if this is something...I may lose that.
So maybe Self wants me to stand up to preserve the body and mind so It can be expressed.
Cons
Just these words alone speak tons on why Self would not want this: Struggle Against, Fight, Resist. These are not words that sit well with Self, with the grace and ease that Life is meant to be.
Deeper Level Pros and Cons For Surrendering
Pros
I want what Self wants. I know that is the only way I will finally be free of suffering.
Just the word itself sounds so sweet to Self. Surrender!
This whole idea of letting go that which is unimportant like fighting, struggling, against, labelling, naming, diagnosing, other-validation, illness, body etc etc is what getting to know Self requires.
This absurd notion that I will be harmed if I am not diagnosed is ridiculous. My body may be harmed but I won't be. I am not this body. When I surrender then, I am simply surrendering the things I do not need to cling to, to defend and attack for.
My mind may be disturbed by this surrender and not knowing but what a wonderful opportunity to heal the mind. This surrender will be the ultimate of healings.
Letting go and Letting God will bring the greatest peace! I want peace. More than anything... I want peace.
I see no cons for surrendering at this Level.
All is well!
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