Heart and Head

Keep the heart in God and the head in the world.
Hindi saying

Sometimes I can look at all the stressors in front of me and find precious space between me and them.  Other times I am sucked right back into the muddy puddle of life events.  It is overwhelming when that happens but I can still pull myself out. Though the night time awakenings are challenging,  I do good throughout the day it seems...writing, meditating, being mindful, doing yoga and going back to my breath again and again. I am doing good in my practice.

As I walk down the halls in the morning dishes in the sink and piles of clothes waiting to be folded greet me.  I notice what "has to be done" around me and wonder why it never seems to get done or stay done.  I am just so tired! I breathe and sit with my tea before I "do" anything. I open up the door to home.

I do the menial tasks of living as best as I can.  My mind reprimands me again and again throughout the process that it isn't good enough.   I take my mind back to the moment and when I go to the computer to write...I feel welcomed home by a loving family of words.


Then I will get twinges of pain and am reminded of that area.  I check it.  It is still there.  No smaller. I still have no idea what is on my MRI and what they are going to do with it. It has been over four months since the symptoms began.   I will also get that uncomfortable  feeling about the way it has all been dealt with and feel an even heavier weight descending on me. I catch it happening. I  squish that feeling  back down and get back to breath.  I come home.

I see the bills and wonder how I will pay everything, how I will pay the mortgage when the time comes.  Maybe I should sell?  Maybe it is all too much?  It just seems like too much to worry about when I feel this way.  I flip the bills over. I step back.  I find space.  I meditate.  I come home to Self again.

I will encounter reminders that my children are in need and looking to me for answers.  I will handle the "in your face" stuff but file the other things away for the "day when I am feeling better", "when I have more money to help them out" ...all the while not sure if that day will ever come.   I meditate, listen to some words of wisdom, read or write some more and I come back to Self.

We get a collect call from the institution D.'s son is in and I feel that sickening feeling in my gut.  He is going to be released soon and to what???  To the exact same life he had before?   I breathe in and I breathe out.  I come home again. 

After a yoga class I feel the heaviness in my chest, the dizziness and fatigue and know the ticker is acting up.  My body feels what my mind is storing way.  I sigh and settle down in front of the TV to relax and numb...I may not come home but at least I am not lost in thought.

I read something deep and spiritually significant when I go to bed.   I sigh...ready to sleep.  But the dog wets again and I feel the heaviness of having to take care of one more thing when my body screams for sleep.  I feel myself losing it, my voice sharp and loud,  my movements stern...The steps I leave on the earth become angry ones instead of peaceful.  I catch myself.  I breathe again....in and out...in and out.   I mindfully speak softly, move slowly and step gently.  I come home again.

I do good...to come back to Self from mind's frenzied drama throughout the day...but then I wake up at three in the morning with pain and, "slurppppp",  back in to mind I am sucked.  It is like I am getting really good at spiritually disconnecting and observing from a distance what is happening in my life...but... mind hisses in those early morning hours like a neglected lover,

"Yeah ...so what?  You still have to deal with these things physically, you know? You may be a spirit having a human experience...but you are still having a human experience.  Deal with that!!!"

I have to wonder if I am dealing with all these things physically in the  way I should. They are not going away even if I am feeling more peaceful.  That's where I am at.

  I am doing pretty good keeping  the "heart in God"...which is the most essential part of Life. I just need some help getting through the "head in the world"  part which is minor in comparison but still necessary. I will figure it out.

All is well.