Early Morning Stress

I awake in the wee hours with the feeling in my chest that hisses, "Way too much stress crazy lady...bring it down!"  Sigh!

I look up into the darkness and ask some Force I cannot see but that I truly believe is there:

Bring the stress down?? How the h%^& does one stop Life from doing what Life does??? Isn't my new mission to peacefully  transcend the events that show up in my day to day experiences rather than fix, control, resist, stuff and complain my way around  them? So tell me oh so wise Self...how do I bring it down??"

I close my eyes and wait for an answer.

I don't hear anything  but the sick clicking of the mitral valve in my ear. 

I  review all I have been teaching and learning, learning and teaching over the last few years.

To begin ,  I know, I do not want to collect stressors or measure them in terms of how much they "should" cause stress...but that is what I  tend to do at three in the morning.  And man can I come up with a long gruesome list in those insomniac hours. I wonder how the most evolved person would handle this ten page and heavily highlighted list, let alone someone like me who is just stumbling her way through the waking up process.  Man!

I open my eyes. 

Besides the chest pain I feel the burning in that area.  I reach up to see if it has miraculously disappeared.  It hasn't.  I am physically reminded of  body stress through this pain.   It  sings loudest at three in the a.m., amongst a chorus of more established musicians like the pelvic and chest pain.

My body is very noisy and I am like, "What??? What do you want me to hear?  What do you want me to "do"???" It rattles on and on in Charlie Brown's  teacher's garbled voice.   I just cannot make out what it is saying.

Then I stretch my legs out to find the bed is drenched. ...again. I worry about my dog . She is not doing any better on her meds. She is urinating non stop even in her sleep.  I fear her blood is the concentration of sludge right now! Either the Florinef is not a high enough dose or Aldosterone is not the issue after all....which would mean that this Addison's is secondary.  My gut tells me her sudden onset of symptoms including  very, very excessive urination and drinking is possibly due to a pituitary tumour causing a Diabetes Insipidus as well as an Addison's .  Gotta get her in to a vet today to get her electrolytes checked...if her potassium, sodium  and ratio is the same or better than it was...than it isn't primary Addison's...it is a tumour.  

On and on my mind goes as it so loves to do at three in the morning.  I start channeling House and begin diagnosing every being I know, be they skinned or furry. For some strange reason  ..and I know not how because I do not have the wisdom, experience or education to diagnose anyone like a physician ...I am often right .  Not that I want to be right about any of it.  :(

{ After note:  after the vet's visit I am going to stress one word in ego's little spoken conviction..."Often"...I am often  right....doesn't mean "always" right...far from it ...lol ...as it proved to be  the case here and many, many other times I thought I knew. It is Addison's and a strong reaction to the steroids and an overstressed urethral sphincter...all good ...to Self, if not my ego.  It is actually quite freeing to watch  ego get nudged down from the pedestal  it puts itself on sometimes.}

I wonder how I will get her in? The SUV has been sitting in our driveway without a battery since November.  The intention to "get it done tomorrow" is obviously present moment focused and knows that tomorrow never comes.

I get up out of bed and look over at D.  Should I wake him so we can change the bed?  No...he is snoring away... his snoring is one of the reasons I am awake...I will let him lie in it. 

I walk past my youngest daughter's room.  She recently left university after being diagnosed with social anxiety and depression. She just couldn't finish the term.  I worry about her and I wonder what I did or didn't do that has put her here. 

Which reminds me of my oldest downstairs who has  lost so much weight in a few weeks.  She is working two jobs trying to pay off her massive debts without making a dent. She looks pale and had a recent bout of tonsillitis with obvious swollen glands a week ago?   Is she sick, I  wonder....I mean really sick?   If she is, sick , it is probably something bad.  It has to be bad to be assigned to my list, doesn't it? I worry about her.

I think of my other two children who do not live at home and consider all the things they are dealing with right now...I haven't been there enough...I just cannot seem to stretch myself enough to give them what they need from me.  I am consumed with guilt. Then a bout of pain reminds me that I might be soon giving them some other crap to deal with.  The guilt intensifies.

I think of my step son who is getting out soon and how we are not a bit ready for his release.  I don't think he or the world is ready for his release. He needs rehab on top of rehab just to stay alive but that is not in place. 

I feel a dime in the pocket of my house coat.  It is a reminder of my Dad.  I suddenly miss him and his wise advice...miss just being able to sit and talk to him about anything and everything.  He would understand my early morning meanderings even if I don't. 

I fill the kettle and wonder if I should take a shot of nitro.  I decide against the nitro but pour myself a hot steaming cup of King Cole.  I am going to need caffeine today. I am a mess.

As I am pouring the lactose free milk into my tea, I notice the bills on the counter.  I feel a little nauseated. I flip them over so I do not have to see the amount due section.

The cats circle my feet .  They  want to be fed.  Well at least they look healthy and content, I say to myself as I open up a can to feed them.  They  meow in appreciation for the fact that I, unlike them, have thumbs. I feel ego whispering in my ear, "Well at least you are special at something."

I make my way to the computer desk...plop down here in front of the screen with my tea and read through some of the entries on Forgiveness.  I vow to forgive whomever and whatever.. myself more than anyone, I suppose....just so I can find some peace.  I so want peace.

I open to the New Post page and begin to move my fingers over the keys...not sure what will come out or how...just letting it happen as it happens.  I am so convinced that everything will somehow be okay if I do.  And somehow...it is.

All is well.