When you feel tired, it is because you have judged yourself as capable of being tired. ..You are not really capable of being tired, but you are very capable of wearying yourself. The strain of constant judgment is virtually intolerable.
ACIM-T-3:VI:5
I am tired. It feels physical but I am learning it is so much more than that.
The Intolerable Strain
I am so struggling with this health issue, with the pain and the reason/answer for it...a reason, I discovered today, after four months of waiting, I may never get on the physical level. I felt this deep, deep and very familiar sense of hopelessness this morning and realized once again a pattern is repeating in my life. I just felt such confusion and defeat and asked out loud in a grief stricken voice ( crazy lady, right? :)) :
"Why am I getting this lesson again...why am I once again facing a physical change in my body that includes the pain experience that will go invalidated, the cause undetermined...the pain untreated? Why does it keep happening in my life again and again?"
Why Does This Keep Happening? A Deeper Meaning!
I had this strong impulse to do one of two things: either crumble to the ground in a big pile of beaten down mush or run away by making one big life change that takes me away from everything and everyone that could put me in this position again. Not that others are putting me in this position but it seems that something related to ego often stands in the way between me and validation for what is very, very real to my body (if not to who I am beneath the body) . It just seems too coincidental to be anything but serendipity. I figure there must be a reason for it...a lesson to be learned. I don't know what that is yet.
Letting Go!
This overwhelming feeling lead me to bow my head and pray for guidance through this. I asked to be shown if I am to surrender my body to whatever circumstances are out there for a reason I do not understand. You do not have to explain why, I prayed,...just let me know that I do not have to seek to make others aware of what is going on in it. I honestly believe if I can put an end to that seeking I will be able to manage the pain then...I will be able to take care of it myself then...I will be able to cope then...I will find peace then.
A Protector of Body?
I want that! I want to let completely go. This struggle I had with the recent body changes, however, had little to do with pain or what it could be but with this idea that, as a protector and caretaker of this vehicle I travel around in...it is my responsibility to do whatever I can to get it looked after even if that means driving it or pushing it into shops, insisting that the "body mechanics" diagnose and treat the problem. I also thought I had to push back a barrier that stood between me and the inside of that shop, a barrier that was preventing other women from getting in too. That is a big responsibility to carry for someone whose greatest human weakness is their shame, a shame often instigated by health seeking. That did nothing but exhaust me and destroy this idea I had of "me"...in the past. Why am I doing it again?
Not a Hypochondriac or a Paranoid Schizophrenic
I may come off as a hypochondriac with a conspiracy paranoia. I have mentioned other pain before in the chest, pelvis, back, arm and and shoulder. That does seem like a lot!
In all fairness I am doing nothing but following orders, albeit reluctantly. I do not insist on tests! I probably refuse more testing than I ever accept. I asked for one echocardiogram once and I demanded an Xray of my arm when I fell two years ago because I couldn't put any weight on it during yoga for eight weeks. I did suggest the possibility of a pelvic ultrasound in 2017 when that left lower pelvic pain started to keep me up at night ( thought it was my endometriosis or a cyst on my ovary).
I never asked for these recent tests or insisted they be done but once ordered I wanted them done yes...(well all but teh ultrasound...definitely didn't want or need another one of those!) I thought the tests would bring be closer to an answer...So I agreed to testing and I waited and waited and waited...consumed by the "not knowing"...The delays and the explanations I got about the findings... did not make sense to my rational mind. That is where the perceived "barrier" came into play.
I feel what I feel...I know there is something there!
Figure it Out Myself or Fight the System?
This mind that has a need to put puzzle pieces together, connect dots, make sense of things in an intellectual and conceptual way keeps pulling me back into a game I never wanted to play in the first place. It is telling me there is indeed something going on here. It wants a diagnosis! Like I did in the past, if I had all my records ( not just the reported "judgements" of others) I probably could put the pieces together. Sigh! But that takes so much energy.
I just don't have the energy to "fight" nor do I want to spend my life resisting or struggling against what is. This is what is. I have had another body change for over four months of "not knowing" and the 'systems' file is likely going to get closed on that without me ever knowing what it is. That is what is in my external world experience.
Pushing Against What Is or Surrendering To It?
Do I push against that what is or do I surrender to it? Pushing brings stress, exhaustion, anger, suspicion, fear, defense, attack and possibly prolongation of my body's life span. Surrendering, on the other hand, brings acceptance, growth and peace even if it brings an earlier end of this physical form. How much do I want peace?
I guess, I know what I want. I want to stop wearying myself by finally putting aside the strain of constant judgement. I choose peace! I want to surrender! I want to surrender!
Hmm! All is well!
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