The Light of Truth Behind Appearances

Do you want peace?  Forgiveness offers it.  Do you want happiness, a quiet mind, a certainty of purpose, and a sense of worth and beauty that transcends the world? Do you want care and safety, and the warmth of sure protection always?  Do you want a quietness that cannot be disturbed, a gentleness that never can be hurt, a deep abiding comfort, and a rest so perfect it can never be upset? All this forgiveness offer you, and more.
ACIM-W-122:1-2

I want all the above but my last few entries reflect that I am going in the wrong direction to achieve that.

Ohhh!  I sound so blaming  and so angry, don't I?

If dealing with this pain and bodily changes isn't enough, on top of all the other life issues...I decide to focus on the assumed behaviour of another. Imagine!

I go into defense and attack mode when I assume, however strongly, that someone has been "wrong" in their approach to this, that their priorities are mixed up, that they are protecting their right to decide when something gets done and how it gets done at the expense of others' well being.  I imagine  they want to come out of this on top...the one holding the golden ring in their hand. I assume they are protecting resources that they have attached "My" and "Mine" onto.

Little me tells me I "should" have access to these resources when ordered by another professional...that others, like me,  should have access to them  as needed ...not if and when this individual  decides. I assume I and the others are being indirectly "harmed" by this egoic tendency, leading to unnecessary delays and lectures and token testing rather than what is necessary to assess and preserve wellness of body in another.

I stay on guard. I feed this idea with as much evidence as I can gather to support it...looking for and collecting evidence that proves to me, at least, that my assumption is valid.  Why?  Because I want to be right...I am choosing being right over being kind and therefore over being peaceful.

And  all the while ego pumps me up into some righteous warrior and convinces me  I have to "do something about it"...to expose it, punish, get revenge. I exploit it here. What a mess I am making when I don't have to.

I do  want to see Truth, write about Truth, speak Truth.  I want to see and expose ego when I see it, for the betterment of all ,  but I am not even sure that this assumption I am making about another's ego  is true or something my mind is making up.

Even if it were true, who am I to judge the ego behaviour in another when mine is so wild, even if it impacts me?  I do not want to hurt anyone.  I don't want to use up my limited energy being angry and seeking revenge of some kind. I want peace!! There is a light of truth beneath appearances that will bring me peace.

I must look for the innocence in all. I somehow seen the innocence in this individual beneath the ego I perceive is in the way.  That is what I want to focus on.  I want the peace that comes from that, not this unease that comes from seeing only a negative ego.

And when I "attack" the person's ego here, however subliminally, with my assumptions it looks like an attack on the entire system, on a profession at large and I definitely don't want that.  I have had wonderful, wonderful professionals in my corner.  I have a very busy  surgeon, I only seen once, who I feel has my back and the backs ( or fronts lol) of women like me...completely.  I for whatever reason have complete faith in her.  I have a GP who is kind, supportive and caring.  I have been talking to nurses, techs and support staff who understand and help me to reach my goal of getting an answer as soon as possible.  Even this individual has done positive things for me. This is not an attack on the system and I do not want it to be an attack on an individual ...even if it is only the ego dimension I am attacking.

I have to realize that even if my assumption is correct...ego cannot harm me because who I am is not vulnerable.  My body may suffer some from these delays but my mind suffers worse when I put my attention on the cause for these delays by blaming someone for them. I need to refocus on what is going right through this experience not just what seems wrong. In the end there is no right or wrong about it...it just is!


Obviously the only ego, I need to focus on is my own. I need to forgive so I am forgiven for the errors of my ways.

Retain your gifts in clear awareness as you see the changeless in the heart of change; the light of truth behind appearances. ACIM-W-122:13:4

All is well

ACIM Workbook