-Counselling Recovery Quote
"Breaking Bad"
I am so tired!!! In the last three days I slept less than 8 hours in total. I have been co-starring, it seems, in a couple of awful episodes from "Breaking Bad". Major stuff has been going on around here...if not in actuality at least in our minds. The combined family cortisol level is probably through the roof.
Last evening we were made aware of how "stressed" we all were. Our stress comes with a sense of helplessness and frustration over dealing with an addict's behaviour, concerned for him and for our own protection. Those impressions I have had in my head about some of the things that has happened in the past, around his addiction, keep slapping me in the face. I sometimes react to the present moment as if the past is happening all over again.
Reacting or Responding
Last night, the circumstances were so beautifully laid out to make it seem that someone was going to burn this house down like D.'s got burnt down four years ago because of the addict's involvement with certain others. (I notice I am calling him "the addict" as a means to disentangle and detach from the personal pain of this :( )
A strange car, with the prodigal son in it, shows up at one One'clock in the morning. It pulls in so quietly.(The dogs don't even bark...my daughter just happened to be looking out the window) Individuals get out and pull a box of old clothing, papers and junk from the back of the trunk while the addict comes in the house (to distract?) They then pull out a gas tank and three of them hover around the box with what we discovered later had these very flammable things in it. (I couldn't see clearly through the window ...so I wasn't sure until later what it was they were removing)...
But even without exactly knowing what it was... something snapped in me, "They are trying to burn the house down." was the thought that came to mind. Whether it was ego triggering old impressions or The Wise Self warning me, I will never know. But I reacted and quick!
A Bit Stupid
My emergency hormones took over. I went flying out into the driveway to protect my family, facing individuals that could have been very dangerous. I screamed at them to get out of my yard as 'our charge' walked past me yelling at me before getting in the car with them again. I told them I was going to call the police. They didn't budge. My daughter got up and started screaming at them to leave (with a few swear words in there). One of them shouted calmly that they were just taking care of him. Then D. ran out to the driveway to scream some more. It wasn't until then that they said they were leaving peacefully. All the while not one of us had the sense to grab our phones so we could actually call the police.
They left the box and the gas jug at the end of the driveway. We all stood out around the box for a good hour trying to figure out what was going on. We put on gloves and went through the box...very carefully discovering that it was stuff from his pre hospital place where we found him that day before admission. Where and how they got that we will never know. Of course, much of that stuff was items he confiscated from others.
Was there a need to defend and attack?
The big question was:What was up with the gas can? I still strongly feel that the intention was to set a fire but I didn't want to worry the others so I tried to think of other reasons for them coming late at night to drop off that stuff in our yard. It didn't make any sense. It may have been just a gesture of taking care of him by returning his items? Maybe the gas can was one of his items? (Amongst all the items left behind when he was admitted...why did they bring this selected bit junk and a gas can?) My guess is, they were going to set a fire as a warning ?
Or maybe it was completely innocent...(that's not sitting well with me though...) I don't know.
If it was innocent, why would the Universe choreograph it so beautifully...with me kind of worrying about someone coming to burn us down because of him (for years actually), getting that intense feeling last night that is was happening and my 'inspired' reaction only to find that what they removed from the car was actually what was needed to set a perfect fire.
I will never know if there was actually a need to defend and attack the way I did. Is there ever really a need?
Anyway...I am hyper vigilant now and kind of beating myself up for putting my desire to help someone I couldn't help over my family's safety. I put them at risk and I didn't do him a lick of good.
Hopefully, the police will look into this.
So what did I learn?
- To listen to those gut feelings that are so intense
- but to also be aware that there may be a fuzzy line between ego's desire for us to react to something it created out of a fear based thought that was already there, and Spirit's warning to respond to something that is actually a threat.
- Sometimes things are not always as they appear. There may have been a legitimate reason for that set up...no matter how suspicious it seems
- Reacting like I did with the screaming was not a clear headed reaction. I could have put myself and others at risk. It would have been better to use those three B's lol...Step back and view the situation clearly, Breathe ( take a few good deep breaths) and then Begin again. I could have been better able to determine what was actually going on, if I did that.
- Defence and attack are never helpful. Setting protective boundaries are okay but resorting to violence uncool
- I really don't like it when I lose my cool, when I lose myself in a situation. It is much better to handle "everything" calmly
- Trust Life instead of fearfully worrying and wondering when bad things are going to happen. Even if it likely that they could happen...right now they aren't!
- It is time to let go of that which I have no control over...I can do it lovingly and respectfully. Last night I was neither but I will try better from now on.
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