Go towards Self actualization rather than self-image actualization...Search within...for honest self expression.
-Bruce Lee
I love what Abraham Maslow has done in the field of psychology and social science. I have studied his pyramid in depth and agree with how many of those rungs he describes can lead us to Self-actualization. Well, all accept one. I question Esteem and wonder if it will simply lead us to ego's version of "little me" actualization rather than truth. Hmm!
Esteem
We all want to be recognized and valued by other human beings but are we being conditioned to value the ego in ourselves and others more so than the actual Self? Are we striving toward true self actualization or self-image actualization?
Being successful doing?
What types of things bring on this type of esteem that precedes actualization on Maslow's climb to the top of the pyramid? Being successful? What, then, does it mean to be successful to the ego in today's western culture? Most of us would say it involves having a "good, respectable job"...one that will allow for economic and social status growth, right? One that others will be envious of? One that will make us "appear" a certain way in the eyes and minds of others? One that will allow us to attain a certain wealth and to buy and own a lot of cool "stuff"? So to attain and maintain esteem, we need a "good" job that promotes all the things the ego loves? What we "do" is all important to the ego's version of esteem.
What about being?
What about "being"...where is that mentioned? What about that presence and awareness that doesn't require striving and fighting. What about the living that exists in us here and now? Where is that mentioned?
Being Recognized and Validated
Some would also say success requires being liked, loved, or adored by others. Recognition is an important part of esteem. Do we need, then, to have a reputation built on pleasing others...to maintain an image of being important, "normal", "worthy", productive ? Many would say that is what we need in order to maintain "esteem"-an image.
We have to blend into the norms of our modern culture and stand out only when we can exemplify them. That is success...in this version of esteem. We will be esteemed, we will feel esteem when we are "like others" so we can be "liked by others".
Image or Authenticity?
We are in a sense dependent on external validation...that which is obtained from the "outside". So what ever is considered "normal" in the outside world is what we must adhere to regardless if it makes sense or not to our authentic selves ...to achieve successful esteem? So where does authenticity come in to play? What about what we really want and see as important...or even what makes sense to us. Do we ignore that to fit in?
Being in special relationships
And we are told we need to have healthy "special" relationships to reach esteem. The rung that precedes Esteem on Maslow's hierarchy is the need for love and belonging. We are social animals. I agree. We need each other!!! There is no doubt about that.
Yet our need for "special" relationships exemplifies more of a lack of self esteem than it does a healthy one. Don't you think? If we need to select and be selected by one or two special people in our lives to feel like we matter and we are of value...is that truly self- esteem? If we are feeling a need to fill up emptiness in us...is that a sign that we moving up toward feeling good about ourselves? Is it a true step toward actualization? Isn't actualization all about valuing an emptiness that is not loneliness?
And why select? Why do we have to choose and be chosen by a few select people when true actualization will teach us that everyone and everything in the world is a part of us. When we select a few we draw distinct lines in the sand between "us and them" and we create an identity based on that...at the exclusion of all others. Does exclusion sound like an appropriate mode of being in actualization?
Is Esteem about Giving others responsibility for feeling good about who we are?
Don't get me wrong. We need to belong and love the people we are around. I love the people I have "special relationships" with but in truth part of the reason I love them is because they make me feel better about "me". I still believe in some warped part of my mind, that they have the power to boost my self esteem and take me to where I want to be. Not only the power...but the responsibility!
Most of the time...I believe they are helping me to get there. When they fail to meet that ego-imposed responsibility or worse they "make me" feel bad about myself, however, ...which happens a lot in all special relationships...I don't like them very much and I have a tendency to make them want to feel bad for not meeting my esteem needs. I unconsciously get angry, pass judgment, blame and do whatever I can to make them feel guilty for not making my "esteem" their major priority.
If you are honest with yourself, I bet you do the same in your special relationships. Does this sound like a healthy step toward actualization?
Lacking?
I see this pyramid, as wonderful as it is in many ways, lacking. It does not speak to what I have come to believe actualization really is. When we are truly Self actualized we actualize the Self, not the ego. In that Self we may recognize the insignificance of ego's version of "self" which is limited to I, me and mine. We put that little self down and proceed to serve the world.
That is how I see it anyway. Esteem/self image won't take us there.
All is well
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