The sense of separation would never have arisen if you had not distorted your perception of truth, and had thus perceived yourself as lacking.
ACIM:T Chapter One: VI:2
Question 10: What is the most damaging view we can have?
I actually thought I had deleted the above video so I repeated it, only to find out later I hadn't. Including this one too:
All is well!
Man is nothing else but what he purposes, he exists only in so far as he realizes himself, he therefore is nothing else but the sum of his actions, nothing else but what his life is.
Jean-Paul Sartre
On January 11th of this year I added a video entitled, "What Happens When We Die?" It was a response to one of the questions I pulled out from the jar in the exercise I am doing to better assimilate my learning. (An exercise I strongly encourage all of you to do as well.) I am not sure where the question itself came from...if it was one of the questions asked to me or if it was one I heard asked to others, or if it was on the list of questions I picked up from my searching "Good spiritual questions to ask." Anyway, I gave a very imperfect and vague answer because in truth, I don't "know" what happens when we die.
Anyway, because I don't listen to the news I was delayed in finding out that Thich Nhat Hanh had passed from a lengthy illness. I was saddened to hear of his passing. At the same time, however, I knew from his teachings (which had become such an important part of my life), to him passing was simply a transition, not a death. I have assimilated that learning into my believing, and perceiving. The below video was a lovely reminder of his teachings and how they have become a part of me.
Reverence for the Teacher
I often speak about not getting caught up in what I refer to as "guru syndrome" and the dangers of feeding the ego of another. I try to focus on what is being taught rather than my reverence for the "teacher". Still...the teaching often comes to me in the form of a body of another. The teaching "forms" I am most likely to listen to are those that display genuine humility , sincerity and a selfless, ego-lessness that is felt in every cell of my body as I listen or read. There are so few of those teachers out there. Thich Nhat Hanh, however, was definitely one.
Reverence for the Teaching: The Continual Self
In the video, ironically with the same name as the video with the question my silly "form" attempted to answer, "What Happens When You Die?" Thich Nhat Hanh tells us we don't die. Sure our forms do but "The Continual Self " that wore the form for a certain amount of years goes on. This "Continual Self" is not born and does not die...it just is. We will get to know this Self when we make the great transition but we don't have to wait until then. We can seek this Self out now, place our awareness on it rather than all the mental formations and phenomena that get in the way of our knowing it. We can operate from that deeper Continual Self rather than the little temporary self that takes us away from what is truly important.
By observing Thich Nhat Hanh as he spoke without hurry or intensity, as he moved: one slow, purposeful step at a time, as he reached for something, as he took a drink of water and as he smiled...it was easy to see how he was operating from that place of higher Self. He was so truly present in the here and the now and that essence radiated from him. It touched me deeply and it was his essence, as well as his teaching, that guided this clump of flesh and mind I call "me" and so, so many others farther onto this path I now find myself on. I am so grateful. I am seeking the Continual Self in this form I label as mine, greatly because of the teaching and essence that came from his "form".
Thich Nhat Hanh's was a sum of his actions for he realized who he was and taught others to do the same. His teachings, just like his essence , will go on and on and on.
All is well.
Plum Village (January 22, 2022) what Happens When We Die?/ A Clip from a Dharma Talk by Thich Nhat Hanh, 2014-06-17. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xLbZZAjjY8
All the world's a stage , and all men and women merely players.
William Shakespeare, As You Like It (Act 2, Scene 7)
Do you have a tendency to react or respond to most of life's circumstances? If you are like me, you probably react more than you respond. Well ...here is another way of looking at it.
All is well.
...Vulnerabilities are merely the product of the mind, and the body will react to what is held in the mind.
David. R. Hawkins
D. and I took the dogs for a walk in the woods yesterday. Looking out the window before we left I had this assumption that it was the same degree of cold as it was the day before. My mind said so. So I was expecting that. I dressed the way I usually do.
About five minutes into the walk , I begin to feel the cold going down my back. The body's first line of defense kicked in making the skin's surface prickle up in some vain attempt to erect those little hairs all over to warm me as it once did for my much hairier ancestors so long ago. My fingers went numb inside my mitts ( my mind told me that would mean pain when I got home ). I could also feel that wind warning the exposed skin of my face to find protection. It seemed that my body ws thinking for itself but it wasn't. The mind was sending a very clear message to the body, "It is cold, a lot colder than yesterday. Resist."
As I walked on and I love walking in winter...I could see that I was not truly experiencing the walk . I could feel my body resisting the cold because my mind was resisting the cold. I was losing touch with the moment. This awareness of the frigid external temperature and this judgement that it was colder than yesterday, possibly something that "shouldn't be" simply because it was not what I "expected," and the "unpleasant" feeling of it ...lead my mind and body to resist what is. I was as much aware of that resistance as I was of the experience of walking in the cold.
I kept trying to "shake the feeling" and bring myself back to the here and now by observing my breath, listening to the crunch of each step on the frozen earth beneath me, feeling the soft January light pour through the branches overhead. The physical sensations only progressed.
It wasn't until I decided to include, allow, embrace the feeling of being cold, however, that I relaxed into the whole experience. My body's reaction to the mind's judgement that it was cold became my focus. It was so cool (puny). I did not view the experience as "I am cold". Instead, viewed myself as being inside this body that was contacting the cold. I really do not think, before that point, I ever truly allowed myself to experience fully what it was like to be in a cold body. There was the situation of cold, the body directed by the mind to react to the cold and then there was this Observer experiencing it all. I was not the situation, the mind, or the body. I was the Observer. I was experiencing the moment from there.
It was "cool"to do that...in more ways than one.
All is well.
Just a note to say : "Are we all one?" was not the next question asked but for some reason...I had it in my mind that it was. Wanted to put them up in the random order I answered them in ...oh well...the next question that I will add, in a couple of days, will follow nicely.
All is well.
A human being is a part of the whole, called by us "Universe", a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest- a kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this self imposed prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole nature in its beauty. Nobody is able to achieve this completely but the striving for such achievement is in itself, a part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security.
70 Year old Albert Einstein ( in a letter written to a rabbi who was seeking advice on how to comfort his daughter over the loss of her sister) New York Times https://www.nytimes.com/1972/03/29/archives/the-einstein-papers-a-man-of-many-parts-the-einstein-papers-man-of.html
Be the ever alert guardian of your inner space.
Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now
Protecting the Inner Space
Do you protect your inner space? Or do you blast it all over the page like I seem to be doing here?
I absolutely love my inner space, my solitude and quiet, my peace of mind, and I want so much to protect it so I have a hiding place to retreat into when the world gets to be too much. . Yet here I am on a public site with my vulnerable parts open and exposed as I bleed out all over the blank page.
I found myself slipping into the fifth hindrance today...skeptical doubt. I found myself, questioning as I do so often, "What the Fudge am I doing here?"
Here I am, this person who likes solitude and who has spent much of life hiding in the shadows...not wanting to stand out...now writing, speaking and teaching (well...sharing my learning) about things that will definitely make "me" stand out ( and not necessarily in a positive way lol).
Why am I doing this? Who do I think I am...I have not trained for years in a monastery to be a dharma teacher, nor do I have a PhD in psychology, theology or philosophy? Why am I exposing "myself" like this?
I really don't know except I feel pulled to do it. I will have these momentary pangs of doubt followed by a lot of shaming and self deprecation for my grandiosity ...I may even step back and away for a while...then the next thing you know I am coming here all excited to do it again. What is up with that?
I feel pumped when I come here to write or do a video. I mean, pumped.
Is it ego?
I do still react to increases in readership or favorable comments by getting all puffed up like a peacock...I know that is ego. I react to declines in readership as well...seeing that as a a sign that I am wasting my time; getting my just desserts for exposing myself so ridiculously. . ( I mean ...I don't have a lot of readership in the first place and it is very hard to estimate how many readers I actually have on this site and why they are actually tapping in. So a decline makes me question if what I have to say is going anywhere.) That is ego too.
Am I gratifying my ego in anyway by coming here? I don't think so...at least not a lot. Ego wants me to be read, for sure, but not "exposed" like this. It wants my novels, fiction, and less risky topics to be published. It wants to polish up a more socially pleasing image of "me" to present to the world...not this totally imperfect, hippy like, status quo questioning person. Yet...out she comes again and again. And do you want to know the crazy thing about all this? I like her lol. I like the person who is speaking in my videos. I resonate with everything said. I like the writer I am reading when I reread through my blogs. I click with what is said. So someone is getting something from all this..."me".
Is it "me"...this little clump of flesh, and mind; this accumulation of experiences, thoughts and feelings; this entity that calls itself a writer, speaker, among a thousand other roles...that is getting something from this, that I seem to be resonating with? I don't think so. I think it is something deeper than all that...that pulls me here every morning, that sits me down and whispers in my ear telling me what to write( not literally...I am not hearing voices lol), and that does all this without any real external validation or reward. Like I said...I have no idea ( with the exception of a few kind, encouraging comments from a few readers) how all "this" ( whatever it is) is being received. It doesn't seem to matter. It is like the guiding force is telling me, "just do the writing and the speaking and do not concern yourself with outcome...that part is none of your business. We will take it from here." I feel a little pull, a gentle little push and here I am. Cra-cra...isn't it?
Anyway...so I will continue to come here, write here and now speak here because I feel compelled to do so. It may seem like I am exposing my inner space so carelessly, so recklessly...but I am being pulled to, and I would like to think, for some greater good I may never understand. Hmmm!
All is well.
All of humanity's problems stems from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.
Blaise Pascal, Penses 139
Question # 8: Why is being bored so uncomfortable?
All is well
Complaining and reactivity are favorite mind patterns through which the ego strengthens itself. For many people, a large part of their mental-emotional activity consists of complaining and reacting against this or that. ...Can you observe those patterns within yourself and recognize the complaining voice in your head for what it is?
Eckhart Tolle from Stillness Speaks
Some might view my entry yesterday as a nit-picking self indulgent rampage. There is likely some truth to that but my true intention upon writing it was to share what I am learning as I look into what Patanjali referred to as "mental modifications" . True learning and the initial steps toward freedom occurs, I believe, when we look into our minds to see what is actually going on in there...to observe if we are reacting or responding to life circumstance...so we can make our way beyond habitual tendencies.
The experience and "story" I shared yesterday was one small example of how "my" mind works in reaction/response to trivial external events. I am sure that others have had similar circumstances and similar reactions to such circumstances. These mental modifications and habitual mind patterns that lead toward reaction are universal, aren't they? Why not open them up, expose them, so we can all learn from them? That is my view of it anyway.
Sure I had some residue of resentment and frustration over this trivial little incident lingering within me when I wrote yesterday. It may have come out onto the page. If so, it is what it is. Most of that resentment and frustration, however, I had worked through off the page and that is is why I felt it was worthy of sharing. Of course, I did not work through it perfectly...I have far from mastered the ability to respond but I am taking awkward steps toward that learning challenge. My goal was to show how we can avoid a lot of reactivity and its consequences once we become aware of our own mental modifications and go beneath them to the peaceful space of clarity within us. We can emerge from there in response mode rather than reactive mode.
But we have to be willing to look inside. Since we basically have the same mind habits as human beings...I am hoping my mind is a mirror for your mind, offering you some insight into your own tendencies. My learning can be your learning, maybe? I believe if we all learn to respond to life rather than react, the world would be a much better place.
All is well.
Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates:
Yesterday I was almost caught in a reaction but I was able to step back before I spoke out re-actively. This "story" has a lot to do with the "my", "mine" when it comes to stuff and how I view this stuff as a reflection of me. If people do not respect "my" stuff, "I" (this little clump of flesh and mind I erroneously believe I am) will feel greatly disrespected. This was a tendency in me for a very, very long time. Life is helping me to work through this tendency by bringing people into my life who do not think the way I do. They have very little concern or respect for property, in general.
The Story
I have Raynaud's Syndrome in my hands ( my hands get very cold and very painful if I expose them to the cold). No big deal I suppose until you are left to go outside into an Atlantic Canada winter with nothing on the hands. I have tried many times to make this little fact clear to the people around, even breaking out in tears one day in my pleading for them to understand. Why? So they would not leave me without a pair of mittens.
You see, I have one pair of mittens. (That is my responsibility) I have in the past reacted very strongly to people taking "my" mittens and using them to clean off cars and stuff...getting them wet and making them unwearable. Or taking them with them wherever they were going. I have made it a point to ensure the others who tend to take "my" mittens have their own...that they have, in fact, more than one pair so they would have the warm, pain-free hands I want to have and also so they would leave "my" mittens alone. Well, having little concern for material property ( and I strongly consider this lack of attachment to material things to be a very skillful quality to have as long as it is mindful) they would easily forget or displace where they placed this hand-wear that I or others have given them. They could go through four or five pairs of hand-wear in a month. So there are times, in haste and not feeling they have the time to look for their own hand-wear, they will see mine and take it. They may have the intention of returning what is "mine" but because of what they label as "forgetfulness", and what I see as a "lack of mindfulness" and a different perspective than my own when it comes to concern for property or my expressed needs ...will often forget, misplace them or they may return these mittens wet and unwearable.
Speaking Out
So I proceeded again and again in the past to speak out with my explanation about why I need my mitts, how important it is to me that they do not take them or return them wet, and how it triggers a sense of being disrespected and a feeling that my needs are not being considered, in me. That speech is often met with the person's defensive view point ( and it is very normal when we feel confronted to get defensive) , "They are only mittens! I never thought it was a big deal!" I will hold my ground and stress, "I do not want you to take my mitts again." They will usually shrug their shoulders, look confused about why I was so upset and half hardheartedly agree. To which, I will usually sigh and walk away ...hoping that I made my point clear this time but at the same time reminding myself I may have to hide, protect and defend what I consider to be "mine"in living situation.
If this scenario only took place once...it wouldn't be a big deal to me. But the same scenario has happened enough times, the same words have been spoken enough times, that I feel that I more than made myself clear. After the sixth time of my explaining, complaining, pleading... I strongly felt, "It shouldn't happen again." I stopped hiding what was "mine" because doing so felt so petty of me...so "unwholesome". There is, after all, no real "me", "my" or "mine" is there?
"Oh No! Not Again!"
Well yesterday, while I was getting the dogs ready for a walk I went to grab "my" mittens from the place I was keeping them and they weren't there. My heart sunk, "Oh no! Not again!" The fact that I had no mittens to walk the dogs with was unpleasant enough but the real issue was that this triggered automatically that knot in me where I feel disrespected if "my" property or expressed needs aren't being respected. The new pain was bumping into some old pain. I felt terribly disrespected and unseen, unheard. What made this worse...was I knew this person had access to two pairs of their own hand-wear if they would have taken the time to retrieve it...hand-wear that was much too big for me to wear while handling the leashes.
The intention to react was very strong in me when I was not even sure if this person had "my" hand-wear. My gut told me they did though. So I texted asking if they had my mitts...wanting to express the "wrongness" of it, to evoke a bit of guilt... I worded it, "You don't have my mitts do you?" A subtle, "How dare you if you do."
I didn't wait for an answer. I knew how it would make me feel to hear what I knew I would hear. I didn't want an argument. I didn't want to hurt the other. I didn't want to hurt myself by getting all rawled up. ...so I left my phone where it was, borrowed a pair of mitts from my daughter...luckily she was home... and took my dogs, who waited much too long while I searched for mitts, for a walk. While I was walking I began to ruminate over this situation. I realized in an instant I was slipping away from awareness of where I was in the beautiful wooded spot with happy dogs, the snow coming down on top of us, the crunch of the earth beneath my feet and my breath. I was getting drawn into a reactive mind.
I decided at that moment that I did not want to be disturbed. That I would choose peace rather than this. I came back to body, to breath, and to the beautiful surroundings I was in, to the present moment. I came home. It was a lovely peaceful walk.
Not Reacting
When I did get back to the house, I slowly, without too much need to, checked my messages and there was the answer I thought would throw me over the top. This person had my mittens. I did not react. I simply told them to drive home safely. I told myself I would open a talk about it when it felt right and I would not sweat it. It is what it is. The situation is what it is. The hurt and frustration at the surface of me is what it is. The knot in me is what it is. (Though it seemed to unravel a bit and I realized I was not ashamed of it being there anymore). This person is who they are. I am who I am. Our relationship is what it is as it reveals itself even more. It was suddenly all okay as it was.
Speaking Through the Gates
I knew I would express myself again at a time that felt right...and I would remember the above quote. I would speak the necessary truth and I would do so kindly (that "kindly" also meant being kind to myself by gently asserting my rights). So I did. I felt so distant from what I was saying like it was not a big deal to me...and it really wasn't ...the emotions had already passed through... but I knew this truth had to be expressed. The individual, who is kind, gentle and wonderful in so many ways, maybe in his own guilt and sense of being attacked by truth, expressed that he felt I was once again making a big deal out of nothing. I listened but I did not own the usual shame I would have felt over "making a big deal about a pair of mittens". I felt calmer than I felt during the last six times I expressed myself about this. ...could feel that calmness and lack of reactivity in my voice and in every cell of me. I watched as what I was saying passed through the gate of truth, through the gate of necessity and through the gate of kindness.
I have no idea if what I had to say was received, if I will see change in this area. That is beyond me. My part is done.
Mine-ness?
Will also have to look deeper into this idea of "mine-ness" again. Is it unwholesome to possess and cling so to something that brings relief from physical pain? I know I would gladly offer these mitts up to someone I felt needed them more than me...in a heart beat...I just have a hard time allowing someone take what is important to "me" in "my" body so mindlessly, so carelessly and so thoughtlessly when they don't need it (my perception only, of course). I have to work on that. And though I am making great strides, I am not there yet:
As I sat here to write this morning, I began to look for the thumb drive that I back up all my writing on...everything I ever wrote, pretty much, is stored on that...and if you think I am overly protective of my mitts...you can imagine just how protective I am of this drive. I have more than expressed the "mineness" of it, and more than warned people not to touch it when they wanted to use it for downloading and printing purposes elsewhere. I was like "Everything I am is on that drive...no...you definitely cannot use it!" I have spoke that truth more than once ...let me tell ya! Well today I looked for it in its usual place and it is not there. You know where my mind is going, right?
Sigh!
All is well in my world.
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Unknown
Question 8: Why Do I have a hard time sticking to my New Year's resolutions?
Don't set yourself up for failure...set yourself for happiness and a lot of self compassion.
All is well!
Peace is letting it be. Letting life flow, letting emotions flow through you.
Karnal Ravikant
We are just filters for all Life experience to flow through. Do you believe that?
Mesh Filters?
I see our bodies and minds as mesh ( matter connected by patches of space...think of the molecular structure: atoms/sub atomic particles surrounded by space). I see all Life experience: the events that occur around us and in us, the relationships we have with others, our words, our thoughts, our actions, our emotions and feelings, our consciousness as just energy. Like water, this energy is meant to flow. We are like the filters and strainers it flows through. When we know who we really are and do not get too attached to the stuff flowing through; if we don't try to capture it, cling to it or believe it somehow defines us; if we don't try to block it from coming trough...all of Life will just flow through us the way it is meant to. ...smoothly and naturally. And we will be soothed and refreshed, delighted with every drop of Life that pours into and through the spaces within us, no matter if it is clear or muddied. We will just allow and observe, thrilled with the experience of being a strainer or filter for Life. This is the freedom of true joy and peace we aim for...whether we know it or not.
Clogging Up
The problem arises, however, when we get in the way of our natural purpose of allowing the flow. The problem arises when we forget that we are like mesh and therefore that 90 % of us is formless, matter-less space. The problem arises when we start to cling to certain energies or experiences saying, "I like that. I want that. I need that. It makes the solid part of me more real" and we do not let it go. The energy that was meant to pass through sticks to us. The clogs start forming.
The problem arises when we say, "No that will hurt. I don't want that to pass through me." and we push away, stuff, avoid or project different experiences, emotions, thoughts or feelings away...instead of just letting them pass through. They don't go away...they become even more attached to us, blocking the awareness of the space...they just have not flowed through. So we then become "clogged", "blocked" and the energy that is Life cannot flow through the way it is meant to. We do not feel that natural flow of peace, joy, love as filters and strainers for Life...becasue our space is too blocked up and our psyches are focused on our blockages. These blockages are painful and every time new muddy Life energy attempts to flow through it hurts like the dickens so we block the flow even more. Our mission becomes about preventing the flow through rather than embracing it. New pain bumps in and disrupts our old pain so we become even more determined to "block" the flow rather than allow it. We are getting more and more clogged up and not experiencing Life the way we are meant to.
Freedom Means Cleaning the Filters so Life Can Flow.
Of course, we do not see that is what we are doing but that is what we are doing. No doubt about it! If we want freedom in our Life; if we want to feel the joy and peace we were meant to feel, we need to clean our filters by determining what it is that is blocking them. When you feel that "sting" or disruption; when you find yourself reacting to that comment someone made or are all frustrated about getting caught in a line of traffic. ...remind yourself that this is only because of your resistance to letting Life flow through you. Recognize the disturbance and "allow" it, sit with it. It is a way of telling you how clogged you are. Then allow the emotional energy of that experience to flow. As it begins to flow through... because you are allowing it to...it will bump into other blockages...become aware of and allow those...as well...they will start to flow through pushing out more and more blockages if you simply stop resisting Life's flow. Before long your space will be clear and you will experience how wonderful it is to be in that space, how nothing seems to disturb you from there. Life will flow easily through you.
We need to clean out our filters people...get in touch with the spaces that make us mesh, more formless than form, keeping them clean and free of all the stuff that doesn't matter. We want the peace and joy that comes from allowing Life to flow through us easily and naturally.
All is well.
Those who are dedicated to the truth are shown the truth.
David R. Hawkins
Do you believe that?
I am starting to. The more I venture down this path, following that inner pull, the more I want the truth and the more I want the truth...the more the teachers and teachings show up in the form of books, videos, messages, and life circumstance. It is like...Wow!
I was looking for a quick read on my kindle the other day and David R. Hawkin's book , Letting Go... showed up on my search. I liked the title, seen he was a psychiatrist...so I thought...hmm! I need to read that so I can get a psychiatric perspective on what I am learning. As I was reading I realized it was like a review of my most recent learning/writing/speaking on the two hindrances: resisting and aversion but in psychiatric terms. I found that very interesting. I had no idea who the author was...have never heard of him ...but as I read on I could see him going beyond psychiatry to spirituality and it was like ...yeah! So much of what he said just clicked, you know? It didn't give me new knowledge...it just helped to remind me of what I already knew at the deeper level.
I did a quick search on Hawkins after I began reading and discovered that though he was a renown psychiatrist with a big practice during his lifetime...he was better known as a "mystic" and spiritual teacher. I thought that was so cool. There I was reading, hoping to get a psychiatric perspective on craving and resistance...and I was led right back to the spiritual ( the deeper level of understanding) back to the waking up and "truth" finding I am hoping to do. I am reading now about his own awakening and I feel a very serendipitous connection with this book.
Just sayin...
All is well!
David R. Hawkins (2012) Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender. New York: Hay House
John Sterling
Not that which the eye can see, but that whereby the eye can see, know that to be Brahman, the eternal, not what people here adore.
Kena Upanishads
What the Eye Cannot See
My left eye is full of blotches and shadow I have to kind of work around to see what I am doing these days. Very annoying but not that serious. I broke through my resistance and did go in for a retinal exam that showed I do not have a retinal detachment...yeah!!!...but a vitreous detachment. The jelly like substance that holds the retina in place is pulling away and detaching...partly due to the aging process...and partly, I believe anyway, due to the astigmatism ( I am assuming...and I don't know much...that is why I am feeling the pressure in that eye all the time). That on top of cataract formation and, man oh man, it is a challenge to see out of that eye. In the videos you will notice that I am straining at times to keep that eye, and therefore also the other eye, open when I look directly at the camera. The vitreous will resettle eventually, the cataracts will eventually get to the point where we need to do something about them but for now I need to get used to this strange way of seeing.
A Strange Way Of Seeing?
We all have a strange way of looking out at the world, don't we? I mean we look out with our body's eyes and see objects (other people, places, things, thoughts, beliefs, feelings) , see them as separate yet we identify with those objects, get very, very attached to them...cling even. And when we do this we forget all about "what" It is that is doing the seeing.
Eckhart Tolle reminds us, in a video I cannot site because I cannot seem to find it, of the two dimensions on which we see and experience Life. There is the superficial dimension...where all the "form" is...the objects we are observing are...and there is the deeper dimensions where the "subject" is that does the seeing..I mean the real seeing that goes beyond your eyes. It is the "field of aware presence," that does the real seeing...not what people here adore.
So , at this point in my life experience, I am not seeing clearly through my body's eyes. That is okay. I really want to see better through the eyes of awareness.
All is well.
Self awareness of one's true value is characterized by lack of defensiveness. Once we have consciously contacted the truth of our real beingness- the nature of our inner self with all its true innocence, greatness, and nobility of the human spirit-we no longer need pride.
David R. Hawkins
You know there is a difference between self esteem and Self acceptance and Self awareness , right? Self esteem is of the ego, awareness is of the Deeper "I".
The World's Criteria For Pride
We live in a world that promotes the building of self esteem. It gives us a criteria to follow, a set of goals to achieve. On this list is included things like : what type of role we play, our careers and how respectable they are, how well we do this job , how hard we work, how "ambitious and competitive" we are, who we associate with, with whom do we have relationships and how respectable and esteemed are these individuals, what have we accomplished, what have they accomplished, how much money we make, what we own, where we live, how we look and, of course, the opinions others have of us. These are our self esteem builders...the goals we strive for. When and if we are lucky enough to meet the world's goals we are patted on the back and told that we should be "proud" of ourselves. Ego swells with pride and in its inflamed state it carries us onto the next goal that will bring even more outer praise and inner pride. Hmmm!
Nothing really wrong with that, is there? We are meeting one of Maslow's pyramid levels, aren't we? Isn't it psychologically promoted and "normal" to strive in this way?
Yes, it is normal and there really is nothing wrong with striving for or meeting these goals. The problem arises when we attach our Self value, invest all our Life energy into the attainment of these goals. A problem arises when we only accept ourselves, others , Life when we and the people we associate with have met society's criteria for self esteem.
The Refuge Beneath Pride and Self-esteem
Brother Phap Dung teaches there is no refuge in the external world.(video link below) If we are lucky enough to meet these outer world goals, we will not find what we truly need by accomplishing things from the the world's criteria for success list . We may find esteem and pride but that will not sustain us. We won't find peace and self awareness on that list. And what happens if we are attached to that list and we don't meet those goals. ...when we are not esteemed by our colleagues, family and neighbors, when we don't have the type of job or income society respects, when we don't have the perfect relationships with perfect people? Are we failures, forever lost without a refuge?
Of course not! The only real refuge is within. These things on our esteem making list will not bring us to this place. If anything, over attachment to the need for esteem, will bring us farther away. Seeking esteem...seeking to inflate the ego takes us away from the thing we really want, whether we know it or not. What we really want is a refuge from the ever changing, overly busy, unpredictable world around us. We want the stable, solid and secure place of peace that exists within us all.
Go ahead...meet some of these success goals and enjoy it while it lasts. Just do not become too attached to esteem and the striving for it...it isn't real, not always guaranteed and if you are lucky enough to achieve it, it will not sustain you . Find the refuge within yourself, a refuge that will always sustain who you really are. Put finding that.... at the top of any goal seeking list you might create.
All is well!
David R. Hawkins (2012) Chapter Nine: Pride.Letting Go: A Path of Surrender. New York; Hay House. ( Kindle Edition)
Plum Village/ Br. Phab Dung (December, 2018) ..Discourse on Taking Refuge in Oneself. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLkfae0HtME
The bad news is your life will never be perfect. The good news is you don't need a perfect life to be happy.
Picturequotes.com
All is well!
Energy flows where attention goes.
Not sure who said that first lol
I was meditating today and was initially distracted by a piece of hair on my cheek and chin...it was tickling me. My first inclination was to take my hand and brush it away but something stopped me. ...another intention to remain still. I took a deep breath, in hope that focus on my breath would draw my attention ( and the energy) away from my tickling skin. It didn't. The tickling turned to a prickling sensation and it seemed all consuming. I could feel my resistance to it in almost every cell of my body. It seemed the more I tried to resist, the worse it got. You would think by my reaction to it, it was the sharp talons of a lion about to eat me...not a tiny, light piece of hair! I really, really wanted to lift up my hand and brush the hair away from my face. Still that intention to remain still was powerful enough to keep me from doing so. The tickly, prickly sensation was becoming stronger and stronger. It turned into what I labelled as "pain".
Instead of leaning away from the sensation, I decided to lean into it. ...which was easy to do because it was a sensation that was taking over my attention. I just breathed into it and let go of my resistance...I 'allowed' all my attention to go there. I had judged it as "unpleasant" from the beginning but when I initially focused all my attention on it...I found myself wanting to judge it as "awful, painful, even excruciatingly uncomfortable." It was just a piece of hair digging into my skin but it was sooo overwhelming. I watched myself judging and stopped resisting the judgement...took a mental step back and observed how I was mentally reacting to the sensation. Took another slow, deep breath and let go of the judgement. It was simply a sensation. I reminded myself how all things come into our experience and how all things go...as long as we do not cling or attempt to resist. So I made this feeling the focus of my meditation. I watched as it increased in intensity. I took another breath and on the exhale...the sensation's intensity began to diminish. I watched it as it slowly left. It was the most amazing thing.
Such a silly thing, I suppose, to write about but every time we confront and reduce our tendency to react to external stimuli is really something to celebrate. This little thing showed me...that it isn't external stimuli that overwhelms us but our mind's reaction to it that does. If we let go of resistance and lean a little into the uncomfortable experiences of life we will see that they will pass through us without any damage done. Hmmm!
I just thought that was cool.
All is well
It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more.
J.K. Rowling
Death will always remain "the great unknown"...until our time comes. We need to find some peace, here, in not knowing.
All is well!
Add on on January 24, 2022 after hearing that Thich Nhat Hanh had passed ...came across this video:
Plum Village ( January 22, 2022) What Happens When We Die?/ Clip from a Dharma Talk with Thich Nhat Hanh, 2014, 06,17 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xLbZZAjjY8
The deeper you go, the more likely you will find something of value.
Bruce Mau
Hmmm! I reread and revisited what I wrote about yesterday and I find myself dipping back into guilt for my perception. Maybe not guilt, so much as a realization of the unwholesome and unskillful nature of such a thought stream. I see it all as a "wrong view" which, for sure, in many ways it is.
Why is it wrong view? I am watering the wrong seeds.
Huh?
1. I am failing to remember that the images we have of others are just mirrors into our own internal worlds. (Hawkins, 2012)What I see in this individual, I see in myself. The part of the unconsciousness I notice in him, is the unconsciousness that still lingers in me. It represents a part of me I don't like and don't want up in my conscious mind. So as it is triggered, I am projecting it outward, to some degree, onto this individual. I judge his unconsciousness so I do not have to admit to my own. I judge his habit mind directed greed and selfishness so I don't have to admit to my own. I too can be unconscious. I too can do what I can to have my ego needs met, sometimes at the expense of others. I still get pulled down again and again by habit energy. Habit energy is so strong in me. I can only imagine how powerful it is for individuals operating from "addict mind". Though, like I said, there is some legitimate reason for and history to my fear, could it be that the fear of his energy is actually a fear of my own, projected outward?
2. My view is not "deep" enough. I am still stuck focusing on the horizontal line of the superficial world, on superficial issues. My relationship with him, my living arrangements, my sense of "personal" safety is a superficial issue. I am not following the vertical line, the spiritual line down to the roots ...to the "ultimate concerns" ( Br. Phap Dung, 2017) to see the ultimate meaning in it. If my major focus remained on becoming solid, stable and as steady as a mountain; as fresh, joyful and as flowering as a flower; as clear minded as a still lake or as light, free and empty/detached as space...I would not be watering the seeds of fear, distrust, anger or resentment on the superficial plane, would I be? (see video below). His level of unconsciousness would not effect me. It is my attention on it that waters these seeds. He would still be a recovering addict with unconscious energy patterns but I would find it easier to handle his behaviors and his choices. I would not be so impacted by them. I would choose, instead, to water the seeds of loving kindness and compassion toward him...which I do. The weeds of anger, resentment, fear, and distrust, however, keep getting watered too and these weeds are overtaking my mind's garden.
3. Though I outwardly practice kindness and compassion toward him. My inner experience has been tainted by thoughts, feelings and sometimes speech that is contrary to my goals. As long as I am focusing on his unconscious energy, I am failing to heal from my own. To heal and deepen my practice I need to take my eyes off of others and turn them inward. I need to look deep into my own wounds that are triggered and poked at when I am around this energy, my own habits and my own views. I need to go deeper.
Say What Crazy Lady?
What does this all translate into on the superficial plane of existence? Do I deny what my gut is telling me? No. Do I bend over backwards to feed his ego needs? Definitely not. Do I deny my own needs, like the fact I need some physical space here to heal my wounds? No...I need to create a certain physical space between us, for now. Does it mean I believe him and others that "he is all better" when he has yet to complete a rehab program or go to a meeting or stop using substances. Definitely not. Does that mean that I trust his unconscious energy ? No
What it means is that I trust the practice to heal me so I can give him, myself and the world what is truly needed...not what ego says it needs. What is needed is a solid, joyful, clear minded and "detached" me. I am obviously not there yet but that is okay...from here I can begin. He is not where he can be yet either...that is okay...from here we can begin.
To heal this relationship, I need to accept him right where he is at this stage of his evolution and love him from there. To cultivate the seeds of loving kindness and compassion, I need to stop watering the seeds that come from this idea that "He should be different than he is, I should be different than I am right now, and our relationship should be different than it is." It is what it is.
I also need to, instead of focusing on the physical consequences of his unconsciousness in the past, present and the potential future, look for the goodness and innocence that is within him as it is within us all. I can look for and point out all the steps he has taken toward recovery and they were huge, all the wonderful things he is ( and there is a lot he is...bright; he has demonstrated compassion toward animals and others in need on many occasions, he loves his Dad, he can be very polite and outwardly appreciative etc)
I can do the same for myself. Instead of beating myself up with my guilt for my less than fully evolved nature and reaction to his unconsciousness, I can accept that this is where I am at in my going deeper...I can love and accept myself from here. I can be compassionate with my need to heal from wounds, my need for space, my own unconsciousness and reactivity.
Hmmm! It all begins with accepting where we are right here, right now. This is where we are and we will only get to a better place from here.
All is well!
David R. Hawkins ( 2012). Letting Go: A Pathway of Surrender. New York: Hay House ( Kindle Edition)
Plum Village/ Brother Phap Dung (August, 2017) Heal the Wounds and Transform our Habits. Wake Up Earth Retreat https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ek3xkieaZg0
When we can trust Self we can trust others....Trust is internal
Br. Phap Dung
I found myself swept away again on a written thought stream. My reactions to what I perceive as "the unconsciousness"of others, being the topic of choice. (And it is a choice...even though it doesn't seem like it. We can choose what we think about.)
When I allow it to...this mental story carries me away every time from my committed practice of finding safety, solidity and refuge within the Self. This story telling and building is a reaction I tend to have when I am triggered to remember the unconsciousness in another. I react to awareness of this unconsciousness with fear and aversion....with a strong desire to create space between me and it. I do not trust this unconsciousness and that means I do not trust my ability to cope with it and find that place of safety, solidity and refuge when it is around me. I don't think I can handle it. I don't feel safe. I also feel guilty for allowing my need for external and internal safety to force me into decisions that others do not agree with.
There are a hundred legitimate reasons why I don't feet safe. Many things have happened in the past (directly derived from the unconsciousness of this individual as well as the unconsciousness of others) that have left deep scars in me, making trusting challenging. My form, my property and my my mind were at risk before for harm and injury as were the forms, properties and minds of others. I do not want to cling to this past because it is just that.. past...and not necessarily the reality of my experience here and now. I would like to say and see that the individual involved has changed...has evolved from a lower level of consciousness to a higher one, making these risks less likely to manifest. And he has...tremendously so...but has he evolved to the point he and and others are telling me he has? Has he evolved to the point where his intentions are for the higher good and can be trusted? My gut tells me no.. My gut tells me he is still being pulled into this unconsciousness and maybe his intention to rise higher is not as valid as we had all hoped....for whatever reason. I can still feel compassion for him and where he is right now.
I see superficial steps toward recovery, I do, and they are huge. Maybe that is how we all start right...at the most outer layer and work our way down? Though I celebrate these achievements, I see it only as a fragile beginning....a very rocky, and unstable beginning. I have yet to see the willingness to take those hard steps toward true recovery.. I still see his primary motivation as narcissistic fulfillment and immediate gratification of "ego" needs. Though I want to support and help him in recovery, as much as another person can, I personally find it hard to "sacrifice" more than I have already to feed some one else's ego. That's what I feel like I have been doing. Ego grows so big when we feed it...to the point it gets so angry when we don't. That is another reason I don't feel safe. I stopped feeding it.
The thing, I have to remember, is that I am the reason I don't feel safe...not this person's level of unconsciousness. My fear, my aversion and my resistance are mine...coming form me. I am responsible for those. If I continually practice finding the safe, solid refuge of Self within me...it won't matter what type of consciousness I am facing in another. I will be able to feel safe around the unconsciousness of anyone. Hmm!
For now...until he and I get our bearings straight...I will make some space between "my person" and his unconscious energies. I will continue to seek the innocence beneath the ego directed mind and remind myself again and again, that all but for the grace of God go I.
All is well.
Plum Village ( January, 2018) Brother Phap Dung & Breathe, Remember, Return. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIjxJ9TONGU
Stress is determined by our belief systems and their associated emotional pressures. It is not the external stimulus, then, that is the cause of stress, but our degree of reactivity.
David R. Hawkins
A Trigger
I felt the sting of ego this morning as I sat at the table with D. for our Sunday morning coffee/tea and excitedly asked , "Do you want to see the video I put up yesterday?"
The Reaction to External Stimuli
When he put aside his people pleasing tendency and his usual desire to accommodate me and said "No. Not right now," I felt that all too familiar sting of rejection brewing in my gut and the flush of shame reddening my face. Thoughts came pouring into my conscious mind, "He doesn't like your videos or your blog...he is only listening and reading out of obligation to please you. He doesn't appreciate or understand where you are at now on your journey. Who could? He is just saying he does to avoid conflict. If he, this guy that is always trying to please you, openly admits that he does not want to see your videos, who else would? "
I went quickly from a reaction of self degradation, shame and doubt to one of anger, blame and wanting to make guilty. "Hmmm! How dare he tell me he is where I am at when he obviously isn't. We are on two different planets. He doesn't get me. I don't want him near "my stuff" pretending to appreciate it when he obviously doesn't appreciate me or it."
I turned to him, with a pouty lip, and the sting of rejection still staining my cheeks... said, "You never have to listen to my videos or read my blogs. I can see you are not interested in what I am doing. I would appreciate from now on, that you don't pretend to be. "
He of course defended himself by saying, "I do want to listen...just not right now. I just got up."
I nodded my head and pushed my video displaying phone ( together with parts of my shadow self that were so coming out of the box I had them stuffed in), out of his sight.
Stress results from the accumulated pressure of our repressed and suppressed feelings. The pressure seeks relief, and so the external events only trigger what we have been holding down, both consciously and unconsciously.
Wrapping it in Awareness
I was aware though, of what was going on inside me...I could feel the very low level emotions coming out of their hiding place: the sting of rejection, the shame, the sense of failure, the doubt in myself. I could hear these inner voices echoing years of stuffed core beliefs. There were the newer voices: "You know any validation you got from D. in the past, was just given to please you. It wasn't sincere. You could tell him you wanted to start a new project of making skin coats out of the neighbors' bodies and he would smile and say, "Really? That's nice. Let me know how I can help." He actually thinks it is all ridiculous. And he is right. Imagine trying to express your learning in the way you do...who does that?? Why are you exposing yourself so embarrassingly ? Can't you see how ridiculous it all is...how ridiculous you are?"
With these newer voices, up came the older, more deeply stuffed ones: "No one will ever truly understand you or appreciate you or what you feel compelled to do. You are strange. No one really wants to hear what you have to say. You are not worthy of an audience. "
It was really noisy and nasty in my head for a few minutes, let me tell ya.
Letting go involves being aware of a feeling, letting it come up, staying with it, and letting it run its course without wanting to make it different or do anything about it. It means simply to let the feeling be there and to focus on letting out the energy behind it....Let go of wanting to resist the feeling. It is resistance that keeps the feeling going. ...
Moving Up and Feeling Lighter
I was, however, so aware of what was going on inside me as it was going on. I was aware when those lower emotions started moving up to a slightly higher level emotion. I could feel the shame turning to anger and resentment. The fear and doubt I was feeling turning to blame and the blame to a desire to make guilty. I was aware that I climbed up some invisible ladder from a rung where I was cringing with shame for even asking him, to one where I wanted him to feel guilty for not wanting to watch my video. I had reached the rung where I wanted him to pay through his own guilt and shame. I was also aware of how these upper ladder feelings, though far from the feelings I assumed an enlightened person would feel, felt better than the feeling of rejection, shame, unworthiness etc. I could see, on quick reflection, how I was moving up some emotional ladder.
When you give up resisting or trying to modify the feeling, it will shift to the next feeling and be accompanied by a lighter sensation.
As I creeped and crawled up, I eventually became aware of acceptance. I was seeing what was happening and realized the silliness of it all...For a moment after that realization, I slipped back down the ladder into guilt then shame for what I was thinking, feeling and experiencing, but thanks to my practice was able, without too much effort, to crawl back up to acceptance. I neutrally recognized, from there, the reactivity of my mind and how one simple little statement from another: "No. Not right now." triggered the stuff inside me. Like a pin used to pick a lock, it caused the door of the Pandora's box where my shadow self lay hidden, to spring open. All this stuff I didn't want others to see, all this stuff I didn't want to see in me, came up to my consciousness in a matter of milliseconds. I reacted like a human being overly conditioned to react. The trick was in not resisting my reaction.
A feeling that is not resisted will disappear as the energy behind it dissipates.
Hmmm! With that realization, I got up walked away and came back to the table with a smile on my face. I still felt a bit of discomfort and pain...but all that I experienced was now wrapped in a soft blanket of mindfulness and self-compassion. So when D. asked to see the video ( probably because my reaction did what the ego wanted it to do...triggered him to feel guilty...) and within seconds I could see him drifting off and unable to focus...I did not react. I responded kindly and said "It is okay. I see you were not into that and it is okay."
His reaction to the video was okay...it was what it was. More importantly, my reaction to his reaction was okay too. It was simply a result of years of programming and conditioning, years of stuffed and stored pain and memory, years of habit. I can't beat myself up for that, can I?
Moving Away From Habit Energy
Getting to the point where we become aware of our habit energies when they are emerging is such a giant step forward in our healing process. Recognizing and seeing the thoughts, beliefs and emotional energies that we have trapped inside us...shows us that they are no longer trapped. They are no longer hidden away. They are no longer stuck. They are freed from the box they were hidden in and are now making their way up, through and eventually out.
Isn't that amazing? We can heal from our tendency to react negatively to stimuli that once had the power to trigger us by simply being aware. We need to be aware of our tendency toward reactivity as human beings. We need to be aware that within us are a host of suppressed, repressed, dejected, hidden, denied, and feared emotional energies waiting to be released. We need to be aware of our tendency to hold the lid of that box down over these "unwanted" experiences and all the energy it requires from our life to do that. We need to be aware how external stimuli in the form of circumstances, thoughts, things other people say or do effects us, how it "pokes our stuff" . It can cause us to squish down those emotional energies and close up even more. Or it can be the key that opens up the lid so these emotional energies can be released. Be aware that it will be much better for Self and the world to have them released. Without them in us, we will be lighter and freer. There will be nothing left to get triggered .would there be? Therefore there would be no more reactivity. We will have more energy for Life.
Every strong emotion is really a composite of a number of subsidiary emotions and the total emotional complex can be disassembled.
We can disassemble those emotional blocks within us through awareness and letting go our resistance.
All is well!
David R. Hawkins (2012) Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender. New York: Hay House (Kindle Edition)
To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.
Friedrich Nietzsche
All is well!
Whereas our higher, greater Self is like the sun, all the negative thoughts, doubts, fears, anger, and resentments that we hold dim the light of the sun and, finally, the light comes through only weakly.
David R. Hawkins
Do You Want to Shine Brightly or Weakly?
My goal is to have this light of a greater Self shine through. I am assuming you are wanting the same for yourself.
I believe, as you can probably tell, in being honest with myself and honest with the world around me. I do not wish to hide what I think and feel anymore. To me, that need to hide our private thoughts and feelings, is one of the things that keep us stuck in this mind set of separation, the "me" against "them" struggle.
Besides, "I' do not, really, have any "private, personal' thoughts, do I? When you read what I write do you not sense a connection (even if that connection is in the form of a repulsion, a judgement, a blaming)because you realize the feelings and thoughts I express are also in you? I mean, the situations differ, the triggers differ, the degree and variety might differ somewhat, but we all have "guilt" don't we? We all have "resentments ", "anger", "blame"? We all have "fear, worry and anxiety" from time to time? We all have "sadness", " negativity" and even "despair" at times...do we not? I relay what I write because I want to learn more about what makes us human and I want to heal from a suffering I know extends beyond this little clump of flesh and mind I call me.
There is what Carl Jung referred to as a shadow self buried within all of us. Most of us are terrified of ever touching that part...fearing that if we opened up that Pandora's box we and the world around us would become overwhelmed by the "monsters" inside. So we keep the lid down, holding with all our might, using up so much energy that could be better used enjoying Life to avoid, deny, suppress, repress, project outward and hide the contents of our shadow self from self and others. This shadow self and our need to keep it contained runs our Life. It prevents our inner light from shining through. Sigh!
We cannot heal from suffering until we open and release what is inside us. We really can't. We can't be whole human beings until we acknowledge and accept those parts of us as parts of us. As terrifying as it is to venture into this dark and uncharted territory...it is something we must do if we want to heal.
He [Carl Jung] said that the self cannot become healed and whole unless we look at and acknowledge the shadow. This means that buried within us all, in what Jung called the "collective unconscious", is everything that we most dislike admitting about ourselves. The average human, he said, would much rather project his shadow onto the world and condemn it and see it as evil, thinking that his problem is to battle with evil in the world. In actuality, the problem is merely to acknowledge the presence of such thoughts and impulses in ourselves. By acknowledging them, they become quiet. Once they are quiet they no longer consciously run us.
This is what true liberation is all about.
You do not have to do what I do here and spill your guts all over the page but I do suggest, if I am in any position to suggest anything, that you at least become willing to look inside for the sake of your own healing, and the world's healing. As Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, The only way out is in.
All is well in my world!
David R. Hawkins (2012) Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender. New York: Hay House (Kindle Edition)
Being freed from guilt brings about a renewal of Life energy.
David R. Hawkins
Oh! I just went off on a written thought tangent in my journal. I began to worry about someone who recently moved out when I started putting pieces of information together that suggests that he might not be doing as well as I had hoped...and boom...the story just took off like a snowball down a hill. It...the small amount of information I received ...triggered and poked at so many things stuffed within me, digging through so many layers of both recent and long ago stored thought, feeling and emotion that could be directly connected to him and also that which had nothing to do with him. I felt a rumbling within me. So much wanted to be released.
As these things started to come up to the surface, however, my habitual mind, so conditioned, to keep them down jumped up to hold the lid down over the boiling and steaming pot I call "little me". Man...it happens so fast. This individual in my life and the energy that surrounds him is constantly triggering this reaction in me and I am constantly trying to keep it all in, with the hope of keeping an outwardly acceptable exterior. My insides are anything but calm.
I sat down to write in a devotional journal with the motivation to gratefully express what life has given me when the tangent started. I found myself, in my mind while my fingers were un-moving on the keys, having conversations with others, rationalizing, defending, explaining and expressing not only my concerns for this individual but mostly why I, from the beginning, was saying that he needs to move on. That what I offered here was not good for him or for me. I was rationalizing the decision I was strongly encouraging since this time last year.
Guilt
Why do we rationalize? To appease our sense of guilt.
What is guilt? According to David Hawkins, in Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender, guilt is a form of fear always associated with a feeling of wrongness and potential punishment.
I fear my very strong encouragement for this individual to step out and take more responsibility for his own life may have pushed him backwards. I am and have been feeling guilty from the onset of our journey together. Feeling guilty that I was not helping enough at the expense of his well being, or helping too much at the expense of my own (that expense entailing my home, my own need for recovery, my relationship with significant others, my peace of mind that his being here greatly impacted).
I had these deep intuitive knowings that what I was picking up was so different from what others were picking up. I could see things others couldn't but my attempts at expressing what I seen or "knew" at some deep bodily level, were often thwarted. So I tried to limit what I was perceiving by denying, suppressing and repressing this internal knowing and its associated feelings/emotions, to the level of what others were seeing. I tried to operate from there. If he or they said he was doing good...he was doing good. If he or they said there was no passive-aggression or risks there, there were none. If he or they said that I was making too much of things, I was making too much of things. If he or they said he was "the best patient they had" or the "model of recovery" ...he was.
Therefore, when these thoughts or these intuitive feelings came up or even when there was blatant evidence or confessions that supported my gut feelings...I would automatically feel guilty and blame myself for deviating from the collective schemata. "I was wrong for seeing what I was seeing. I was judging and perceiving unfairly. What was wrong with me for doing that? How unkind, I am. I better try harder and stop being so selfish. Wasn't I suppose to be dedicating the remainder of my life to serving those in need? Bad "me"! Bad "me"! Bad "me" ! " " Poor him! Poor him!
Poor him!"
After these guilt attacks...I attempted to sublimate the guilt by overcompensating and doing more for him which led me to enable that unhealthy part of him and exhaust myself.
All the time I was doing this, so much of my energy was spent denying, suppressing and repressing feelings of fear, anger, and resentment. It became easier to beat myself up with guilt, overcompensation and sublimation than to simply say, "I don't have a good feeling about this and I don't want it around me anymore. I am not helping him in a way he needs to be helped and I am certainly not helping myself. "
I allowed myself the guilt.
The Truth About Guilt
To make wrong and to make guilty is really a form of cruelty, is it not?
Does my guilty conscious benefit anyone? Guilt is the most useless emotion there is. It really serves no purpose other than to tear us down. It is cruel. It is a product of fear, a product of ego. It is absolute garbage.
Guilt is really self condemnation and self-invalidation of our worth and value as a human being.
Through my own conditioning, I have come to believe that I am not worthy of as much consideration and care as others. That my needs are not as valid as the others. If I attempted, in the past, to assert my rights and have my needs met, I was often shamed. So now I am stuffed to the brim with this garbage of guilt and shame and it gets triggered by my dealings with this individual. I have an over exaggerated sense of responsibility even though I know his life and the decisions he makes are his responsibility. I didn't break it and I can't fix it.
I have lived a life surrounded by addiction and lovely individuals who have been swept away by it. I have approached each of the individuals in different ways, gradually learning the hard way, again and again, that "I didn't break it so I can't fix it." Yet the memories of all this, all the voices that told me what I should be doing and should not be doing in regards to this and all the associated pain are still stuck in me and when I see it in the addict mind and action of yet another , it triggers me, again and again. I feel that my stuff is being poked.
In order to truly heal I need to let go of my fear ridden guilt. I need to let all those stuffed feelings come up without all the story I attach to it. I need to realize that I don't have to beat myself up for wanting not to take care of another to the point of enabling. That it is okay to take care of myself. I need to remove the garbage that has been programmed into me so I can see my own goodness and innocence. We are all inherently innocent and do not have to stay buried beneath this garbage.
What went into our memory banks was garbage, and when we see this, we will have much less fear. We will enjoy starting to let the feelings come up, seeing them for what they are, clearing out all of the garbage, and letting it all go. Once we have looked deep within ourselves and found that innate inner innocence, we will stop hating ourselves.
We do not need to live motivated by guilt and our fear. We can instead recognize the innocence in self and the innocence in all despite what they or we might do. We can base our motivation to speak, think or act on the power of Love. That would be much more sustaining , wouldn't it be?
All is well
David R. Hawkins (2012) Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender. New York: Hay House. Kindle edition
No one is afraid of them[illusions] when he perceives he made them up. The fear was held in place because he did not see that he was author of the dream, and not a figure in the dream.
ACIM :Chapter 28:II:7:3-4
We just need to wake up from our dream of fear.
All is well!
Replacing just a few key negative habits with a few positive habits can be the difference between being mostly unhappy and being happy almost all of the time.
Tynan
It is a New Year in our man made tradition of calendars, clocks and schedules. According to Brother Phap dung of Plum Village, it is also a time to examine our habits, to look deeply into them to determine if they are skillful or not skillful. We have a lot of unskillful habits, don't we?
Habit of Over -Thinking
Some of our habits include what he refers to as NST or non-stop thinking. When is the last time, you were aware that you were not thinking?
Habit of Doing and Being Busy
Our habit list also includes our busy doing. Most of us have been conditioned to be busy...in a world where efficiency, or at least the appearance of it, is so very important. We have been trained to rush, to do more than one activity at a time, and to keep moving. I doubt if any of us know exactly what direction we are moving in and for what purpose but like fish in a frantic school we keep flapping our fins, caught in the momentum of busyness.
Habit of Reacting
We also have a habit of reacting to what happens around us. When an external stimuli enters our sense perception we automatically slip into reactivity...judging if it is good or bad, right or wrong, should be or shouldn't be. We react by reaching out to grasp and cling to the things we judge as right, wrong and should be and by pushing away the "bad, wrong and shouldn't be." Br Phap Dung suggest a possible meditation to help reduce reactivity. It would involve having a group sit around a perfectly clean table with a glass of orange juice in the center. While the group is sitting and concentrating on that orange juice, he suggests having someone tip the orange juice unexpectedly over. Most of are conditioned to perceive and judge the spilling of the orange juice as something, "bad, wrong, shouldn't be" and would react with a pile of unpleasant and uncomfortable thoughts, emotions, words or even actions. Would we not? As it is spilling and making a mess all over the clean table...the meditative goal would be to not react or even maybe react in a positive way with, "Oh wow cool! Look at the flower formation the orange juice is making." This may help to break our habit of reactivity.
Habit of Scheduling and To-Do-Lists
Another habit, most of us are so conditioned to make a part of our lives is our our addiction to routines, schedules, calendars and clocks. In a productivity programmed culture, the "to-do-list" is oh so important for most of us. We have a tendency to feel pretty smug when we accomplish all those things on our lists and we also tend to beat ourselves up when we don't. We have to remember that the expectations of the "to-do-list" are man made, as is the clock and the calendar. As is time actually. Observe nature and her rhythms...she doesn't go by a clock or a calendar and she certainly doesn't drag a to-do-list behind her does she. If we could mimic her...which we are actually a part of and are meant to do...using light, sun and moon, and change of season to move us, rather than be dependent on a hundred scribbles on a piece of paper or a big red circle on some calendar page...then we would be much healthier. Wouldn't we?
Electronic Habit
Another habit our culture has developed is our addiction to electronics. When is the last time you left home without your phone and how panicky did you get when you realized you did? We will not perish without our phones but we have developed an attachment to them as if they were our life lines? They are not our life lines. In fact, they get in the way of Life. It has become much easier to text someone a little heart or happy face than it has to embrace them with a hug or a genuine- in -your -face smile. We are, after all, too busy for all that face to face stuff, aren't we? Busy doing what? Swimming around in a school of fish that are just going in circles? How has that become more important than human connection? Our phones and electronic gadgets are just another way of keeping us swimming rather than living in the moment. You get that right?
The Need For Story
We are also very habituated to the need for story. Our personal stories and our collective stories are how we identify ourselves to and with the other fish we are swimming round with. These ideas of where we came from, and who we are by the bodies we are in, the roles we play, what we own or don't own, our beliefs and ideologies etc. Come on...it is all just story...more thought to add to already overloaded minds.
Breaking Free of Our Habits
Our habits take us away from connection to the bodies we are in, to the moment. Do you think that maybe 2022 would be as good of a "calendar time" as any to start dismantling our habitual tendencies...just a bit even?
Maybe we could begin observing our minds to determine just how busy they are. Maybe we could start focusing on the pauses between thoughts and make extending those pauses our goal.
Maybe we could practice slowing down, just a bit. Observe first, how you and the rest of the world are moving...then make a commitment to catch yourself "rushing" and when you do ...slow down. Become mindful of each step hitting the earth, each foot being lifted into the air before the next step. Become mindful how you brush your teeth, wash the dishes or open a door. Slow down enough to notice the movement of the body and the breath. The breath is a great way to bring us back into the body and into the moment. So is a yoga practice.
Let's stop doing for just short periods of the day. Let's see what stillness and quiet feels like. Let's try meditating. What can it hurt?
What if we were more mindful of how we reacted to external events, how we judged, how we grasped and how we pushed away? What if we began to practice non -reactivity in little ways with little things like spills?
We could put away our to-do-lists on some days couldn't we? Sure we have to plan at times but do we have to plan and organize every single moment of our day? Do we need to heap so many expectations into them? Lets just limit, at least, how many things we plan and put on our lists. Let's be kinder to ourselves by giving some space to just be.
Have you tried disconnecting from your phone for a day? That is a challenge I offer you. Put it in a cupboard and leave it there for one day. I guarantee it will not kill you. And then knock on the door of the person you usually text ( COVID restrictions considered) and give them a smile or a hug in person!
Then maybe we could let go of our stories a bit...go beneath them and their discriminating borders and see that who we really are has no need for story or separation. It has no need to swim in circles either. It just is.
Anyway, a long ramble.Thanks Brother Phap Dung for your insight. Here is hoping everyone's 2022 is one where we break free of at least some of our habits!
All is well. .
Plum Village/Brother Phap Dung (December 31, 2017) New Year's Eve Talk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6P-NrCNUSJU (not sure if this is the link to the same video?)
When you suffer you go deep.
Br Phap Dung
You can guide yourself in the right direction, but you are not in control of Life.
Eckhart Tolle
I heard these words from two teachers in bodily form today as I was doing my usual morning ritual. I found that both quotes are connected.
The first quote, in reference to a discussion on the Four Noble Truths, speaks to the idea that yes, there is suffering and there is a cause for suffering. We need to go deep to understand what that root cause is which has a lot to do with our tendency to want to control, grasp, cling, or push away aspects of the outside world in order to create conditions that please us internally. We look to the superficial plane of our existence as both the cause of our suffering and the solution for suffering. It is neither. What Life offers us, be it pleasant or be it unpleasant, is not the source of suffering. Our reaction to it is.
When we have the experience of suffering we are given the opportunity to look deeply into our minds and our experiences to determine if we re reacting or responding...to go deeper...to the roots of it all. . How do we view the external event? What do we think about it? How do we speak about it? What actions to we take in reaction to it? How are we choosing to live or make a living? Are our efforts wise, wholesome and committed enough to steer us inward in a healthy response to external stimuli or are they unskillful enough to keep us stuck in the superficial world of form? Are we mindful and concentrating on the healthy seeds in our store consciousness? Or are we unconscious, mindlessly watering those reactive emotions that cause suffering?
The way out of suffering is always in.
In the second quote we are reminded that we all have the ability to take the right path ( in this case maybe...the noble eight fold path) but that doesn't mean that we can control Life. Life is going to keep giving us challenges and pain. The path just offers us a peaceful way to get through all the natural chaos, the loss, the temporal nature of satisfaction, the grief, the pain that is as much a part of Life as the joy. It teaches us how to respond and bend like the high grass in the wind rather than to react or resist which causes our sense of suffering..
Awareness of our suffering can be the first step down this path of liberation from it.
Hmmm! All is well in my world.
Brother Phap Dung/ Plum Village (July, 2017) Manual For Living. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Loi-R0drg-0
Eckhart Tolle/ Conscious Awareness ( December 28, 2021) Acknowledging the Good and Being the Light of the World.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drlbmknhasg
No amount of riches can compensate for an inner state of poverty.
David R. Hawkins
Reading yet another book related to my present learning/teaching (see below). You do know that it is "me" I am attempting to teach, right? I hope I make that clear. But by teaching "me", I feel compelled to share my learning with all who are ready for it...because we are all one big clump of Life in apparently separate forms. Making a difference in the world begins with making a difference in me.
Anyway, I digress. What the quote above is alluding to is that many of us, who feel this inner poverty...this sense that something is missing- and who go about the material world searching for it in order to fill that hole- will reach a realization eventually that nothing "out there" will end that sense of poverty experienced within. This sense of poverty we experience is simply a mental disconnect from who we are and the True Source of all Life, all that is important. When we reconnect to that Truth...we are rich beyond belief, in the truest sense of the word.
We need to go in not out and when we do that we find that we were never poor...The greatest riches are within us in the form of all the conditions we need for happiness. Hmm!
All is well.
David R. Hawkins (2012) Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender. New York: Hay House (Kindle Edition)
To know the truth you need not undergo all this torture of learning.
Not by reading, do you get the Truth.
Be quiet, that is Truth.
Be still, that is God.
Ramana Mahrashi
All is well.
Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come whispering, "It will be happier."
Lord Alfred Tennyson
Happy New Year! Here is hoping that everything worrisome from the past few years settles down into a peaceful simmer in 2022. May your heart be light and may it spread light to all the darkened corners of the world.
All is well.
