Learning On the Other Side of the Gate

 

Exclusion is never the way forward on our shared path to freedom and justice.

 

Desmond Tutu



Gate Keeping

Gate keepers are necessary players in healthy team dynamics.  They help to welcome and filter information (and individuals) that enter a group.  I know this because I teach Communications and I can see the gatekeeping taking place all around me, in the groups I assign, when I do.  I also work within a team. I used to participate in this particular role from time to time when I was working at a fuller capacity.

As gatekeepers we want to ensure that team enhancing and goal assisting information enters and flows through the group and that the unhealthy stuff (including members who are potentially threatening or useless) stay out.

"Gatekeepers, a term originated by Lewin (1947), are persons who either facilitate or impede information flow between people.  Gatekeepers are therefore at the nexus of exchange among individuals interpersonally, in groups, or within and across organizations." (Burke, n.d.)

Gate keepers are also responsible for ,"helping to keep the communication channels open: facilitating the participation of others..." (Porteus, n.d.)

When it is you that gets the Keep-Out signal

This is an important and team enhancing role, right?  We all take part in it from time to time whether it be in a work team, a community team, or a family team.   We pass on information, warmth, support, welcome, encouragement to participate and invitation to make the team work.  We filter out or put a big "Keep Out" sign on the gate when we want to keep stuff ( including certain people) out that may reduce the effectiveness of the team or the desired quality of its dynamics. We all take turns, then, including some at the expense of excluding others for the sake of the team. As long as we are tucked nicely and securely within the gates, we seldom think of the effect of such inclusion and exclusion.

Inclusion, we tend to take for granted and expect it when we have been a part of a team for a while.  We expect people to pass on information to us, to include us in group functions whether they be social or professional.  We expect that we will "always" be seen as a vital and important part. ..that others will seek out our presence and provide us with the necessary information that makes us feel part of the team. We develop a sense of lazy entitlement the longer we have been in a group.

Truth is things change...we change, circumstances change, life changes, teams change, roles change,  professional expectations change.  We may find ourselves, as I did,  caught up in that change and suddenly outside the gate. We may no longer be seen as vital members worthy of information, warmth and support.  We may find ourselves unintentionally and even intentionally excluded from the group by those elected or self elected as gatekeepers. We may no longer be wanted.  We may no longer be needed.  The gate may be closed and a sign may be placed on it for our benefit.  "Keep Out."

The expressed or not expressed rationale for our exclusion may be because we are threatening to some members, we are not effective enough in our roles, we are toxic, we are draining the group resources with our neediness or we are just too heavy because of the life- baggage attached to us.  Our presence somehow impinges on the personal and interpersonal needs of the group!  Does it really matter why?

It will sting.  It will feel a little  like grabbing barbwire as you reach out to discover your sudden lack of team importance.  You may feel angry, resentful, self-pity ( my ego likes self pity :)), hurt, rejected and down right miserable.  What you are feeling  is your ego, as big and inflamed as a swollen hemorrhoid on your psyche.  It stings like hell! 

My ego has incurred such a sting. I have been looking at the gate from the outside and feeling pretty darn sorry for myself.

The Learning

  

There is learning in this. Sure it stings like the dickens but know that it is just your ego that is stinging.  Your ego, which was attached to something it never owned in the first place, is reeling from a perceived loss of identity.   The trick is to get beyond the ego inflammation to the wonderful opportunity for growth that exists beneath it. Recognizing these truths may help:

• You are not your ego!
• See the experience though the eyes of who you really are beneath the ego and it takes on a whole new light
• You are not "special" and you will never be.  Special is just a word played with by the ego
• No one owes you anything including information, warmth, support or welcome.  This is not something you are entitled to though you certainly are worthy of it.
•  You can choose peace or you can choose to react to the circumstance with ego defense which really is just another form of attack
• Think of those you excluded in the past ( and we all have at some point excluded someone when we took on gatekeeping) and empathise.  The same sting you feel now is what you inflicted on another.  We can take this awareness into future groups.
• This is just a set of trivial external circumstances that bruise the ego a bit.  You can certainly survive this.
• There may be a legitimate reason why the group wants you on the outside.  What are you responsible and accountable for?...Find that, own that, learn from that and grow from that.
•  Often exclusion is purely team strategy...nothing personal.  So don't take it personally.
•  Know that your pain comes from over attachment to something that really does not define you.   Learn to detach.
• Forgive the gatekeepers though there really is no reason to because they are likely unaware of how it is making you feel.
• Know that other opinion belongs to the other.  You do not have to own it.  Because you may not be considered valuable in this team does not mean you are not valuable.
• What does the experience show you?  Is it time for you to walk away from the gate? Make a spiritual decision.  Do  not base that decision to leave ( or to demand back in :)) on the ego of those within the team that no longer seems to have a place for you within its gates.  Most importantly don't make it based on the inflammation of your own ego.  Remember this advice from a nurse: With proper care all inflammation resides eventually. You will not see clearly until it does.  Make your decision then.   

 I am grateful every time my ego gets triggered and I can step back and watch what is happening through the eyes of the detached observer.  I grow more and more into the person I want to be with every ego burn. The clarity I am gaining when I look out at others, relationships, life...is amazing!!! I learn so much about myself and the  world that I cannot help but walk away ( once the stinging stops lol which it has) smiling in gratitude. It is all good.  It is all so very good.


Please note:  This entry is not referring to the exclusion that comes from cultural, religious, gender or racial  bigotry.  That goes beyond the gate keeping I refer to here. 

All is well in my world.


Burke, W. Warner (n.d.) gatekeepers. Blackwell Reference Online. Retrieved from http://www.blackwellreference.com/public/tocnode?id=g9780631233176_chunk_g978063123536111_ss2-3

Porteus, A. (n.d.) Roles people play in Groups. Retrieved from https://web.stanford.edu/group/resed/resed/staffresources/RM/training/grouproles.html

To me a book is a message from the gods to mankind; or, if not, should never be published at all.
Aleister Crowley

A little disheartened and I just began lol.  Something happens to me when I begin submitting that I don't like.  My writing becomes work more so than joy.  It also seems like a waste of my precious energy and effort when I go through the back issues of the journals I am submitting to  and see the talent there...see the credentials of that talent...and I compare myself.  Not good!  I think:  "I do not have that degree or that amount of publications" or "Man, can she write!" when I come across a good piece.  My four hour jobbies seem  so pale in comparison. 

I have to stop my thinking from getting out of control...one step to better at a time.  What I am feeling is doubtful and fearful about my abilities to get published and part of me still believes, like most of the population, that if I do not get published I am not a real writer.

That part of me gets activated in the submission process.  Writing  becomes about proving myself, getting external validation...not about just writing from the heart.  I feel guilty and ashamed when I am here because it seems like I am not supporting the "real" part of me that writes for the sake of writing.  Anyway...this is what I have to do.  I have to change those thoughts around.

This is what goes through my head as I view someone else's writing: "I am not as good as this writer they published.  The editors  will laugh or turn their noses up at this piece I am about to send in."

 That thought makes me feel embarrassed about my writing...unworthy and less than.  What do I do about it? 

I counter the thought...very gently into something that makes me feel better...not necessarily great,  but better:

  "Yes she is a very good writer.  She may have more skill than me right now but maybe I can learn from her.  I can get better.  The editors may not like what I submit enough to publish it but maybe they will find some merit in it.  Regardless, I am submitting to submit...leaving the rest to God.  My job is to just do my part in  getting my message  out there. I do not have to worry about other opinion or whether or not I get published.  My deal was simply to write and submit.  I will keep reading these wonderful articles by these amazing writers and I will learn.  I will learn from the experience of submitting and if I get any feedback...I will learn from that.  It is all good. "

There I feel better.  I will send the number three article out today. 

All is well in my world.

To write what is worth publishing, to find honest people to publish it, and get sensible people to read it, are the three great difficulties in being an author.
Charles Caleb Colton

Did I ever  tell you I wasn't a big fan of submitting?  :)

 I know I say that all the time and every time I say it I am resisting the very necessary process needed to get a message out there. 

Imagine if Hemingway didn't submit (he didn't like all that crap either...he just wanted to write).  We would be without some great literature, great thought, great ideas. 

I am not comparing myself to Hemingway, by any means, but as a writer I too have something to say...a message that could have a positive impact on the world ( or at very least on someone lol).  I have to at least try to get it out there, don't I? 

I don't like the process.  I resist the process and the more I think about it the harder it gets.  Just the day before yesterday, I wrote a pretty good article  on romantic love...wrote it (research and all complete) in about 4 hours.  The writing was not an issue but then I had to submit it. 

Finding a site accepting submissions looking for that type of idea, that word length, that target audience took forever.  Then I had to revise and tailor it to meet their specifications.  Again not a big deal!

After that I had to email it  and that is where the problem came in. It took me five hours to email it because I could not get into my email...forgot my Microsoft password.  Have you ever forgotten your Microsoft password?  It is not a nice experience trying to get a new one...let me tell ya!

Finally get it...get it out there, realizing that I forgot to include all my data and my website on the manuscript. And of course...it bounces back.  So in total, I spent about 4 hours writing and researching...8 hours submitting.  Can you see why I do not like it? 

Awe...but I am realizing from all the learning I have been doing that submitting is so challenging only because I am resisting the process.  I have to work on that. I did after all, make a deal with the universe...that I would write and submit three articles a week lol. ...I need to keep my promises.

Anyway...it is all good.

Add on from 2025: That article btw got published in the "Enlighten Up with the Aquarian: Winter Issue 2017?2018? "

More Memories

The Couch

It sits at the end of his driveway,
waiting to be picked up by garbage collectors.
I notice a large gash down the center of it
as I pull in to drop my daughter off.
That gap I don't remember.

I find myself staring at this old piece of furniture
...our first couch.
Many memories are stored in its
worn and tattered fabric.
Many stages of my children's growth
have left their mark upon it.
Catsup,
koolaid stains
and splatters of unwanted medicine
that dribbled down faces
with clenched lips and teeth,
cling like tiny desperate fingers
to the upholstery.

Laughter and long conversations
with family and friends
still bounce from the springs in its center,
just like my children did.
I wonder if the cracks between it
still cling to lost objects
and hushed secrets of a lifetime
that seems so long ago.

This piece of furniture
that has served its time,
reminds me of how the years
have passed like flickers of light
from a video screen...
How my world,
their world has changed
as things do...
from one image to the next
without so much as a pause.

Oh...I know..
I know...
life breathes in
and life blows out...
nothing is constant...
but I can't help but
feel a lump in my throat
as I drive away,
remembering
just how nice it was sometimes...
just how nice it was.

Dale-Lyn Sept 2009

If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary.
Jim Rohn

Aren't they the cutest things?  Very unusual for my part of the world but someone is taking a risk...daring to do the unusual.  These little guys don't seem to mind the more northern part of the globe and the lower altitudes. So it is all good.

This pic was shot from quite a distance...so it isn't the clearest shot. 

Memories...light the corners of my mind :)

I am house cleaning my blog.  Taking the old entries, folding them up and putting them away.  I run across things as I do so, that make me take a pause to stop and reflect.  I have written so much poetry on this blog in my attempt to understand.  It would just come up from the core of me and pour out on the page so quickly.  It was not necessarily "good' poetry or reader friendly poetry but it always carried a message with it from inside.  It was like a lesson from spirit, I guess. It really was not a conscious process. 

I ran across this in the cleaning up  from way back in 2011.  I think it was written after a medical exam...when the examiner was trying to figure out if my complaints were legitimate or not...if I was legitimate or not. :) I have taken the liberty of editing it some...6 years later and I see a little more clearly.

Side note: I did it again getting 'light" and "like" mixed up lol,  All this time I thought the lyrics for the song "Memories" was..."like the corners of my mind". When I wrote it down it didn't look right so I looked it up ...sure enough, I was wrong lol



The Examination

 

I am hidden

in this container of
flesh and bone,
wrapped in a covering of skin.
that you closely examine.
You circle me,
your hand on your chin,
peering over  the spectacles
on the end of your nose
in an attempt
to determine what this package is.
With the white sleeves of your lab coat
crossed in front of you,
you  judge this vessel that I am in
by the size of it,
the shape of it,
the color of it.
But you do not see me.

You run your fingers over it,
checking the smoothness of it.

You tap it.

You hit it.

You shake it.

You cut slices from it.

You dissect it.

You examine pieces of it

under your microscope.

You look through the holes

you have made in it...

but you do not see me.

After hours of careful observation
you come to the scientific conclusion
that I am merely an empty package,
defined by the borders of my outer surface.

I am torn.

I am warped.

I am broken.

I am separate.

I am unique.

I am distinct.

I am alone.
But you do not see me.

 

See me. 

You can't define me by my packaging.
This, what I am in,
cannot contain me
or limit me?
I am spirit,
precious eternal spirit...

I am space.

I am nothing.

I am everything.

I am the same air that bubbles

and breathes inside of you.

I am the same hum that vibrates

through you and around you.

I am endless.

I am timeless

I am eternal

I am everything and more.

I am not an empty carton.

 

 

 

Stop looking through your
scientific eyes
that see so little
and
start looking at me
through the eyes of your soul
that see all.
This packaging that you probe

will dissolve away
to nothing,

with or without your intervention,

Do not waste your time

dissecting

to find the answer.

See instead the whole

and you will be blown away

by the fullness

of the truth.

Dale-Lyn (August 2011)

Dear Reader

A writer only begins a book.  A reader finishes it.
Samuel Johnson

Dear Reader,

I want to thank you for reading this.  To those of you who tramped along with me on this journey to self discovery for years now, I want to say a special ( oops...there that's special word again) thank you for being there. 

Though I heard little from you, I always knew you were on the other end of my words.  I couldn't write without knowing that there was a potential reader out there somewhere.  All I ever needed was one reader to complete the cycle. (Thank goodness I am not overly ambitious in the readership intention lol)

When it comes to my writing, I am an intrinsically validated person for the most part. I write for me which makes it a completely narcissistic act sometimes.  I do not need a lot of readership, recognition, traffic(which is a good thing because I have little :))

 Please know, though, that I do also write for you.  There is no continuation of the cycle without both writer and reader.  And there is no continuation of learning without both teacher and student. 

As a student seeking the answers inside myself, I had to read, research, ramble and get it all down so I could understand it.  When something hit an internal chord within me, I had to recite and express my new truths to someone for validation.  You were that someone.  You were in a sense... my teacher. 

I also wanted to share all  the amazing things I was learning with you...making me the teacher and you the student, from time to time. 

Between the writer and the reader; the teacher and the student...there is an amazing cycle of give and take.   The amazing cycle goes around and around and around creating a wonderful healing energy in the world.  I write for me and I write for you.  I learn for me and I learn for you.  I teach for me and I teach for you.  

My ego, when it gets all big and inflamed like a swollen hemorrhoid on my psyche, encourages me to push for more recognition.   It says things to me like, "Why are you writing everyday when only a couple of people read what you write?  Are you wasting your precious time and energy?  You want to be a writer, right? You need more hits to be a true writer; more publications, more recognition. You are not a real writer unless you are 'known'."

 I get a little deflated with these reprimands from ego.  I am not 'known' nor am I really sure I want to be.  I have social media.  I have friends and social networks.  I could put my blog out there and I would increase my readership...but I don't even consider it until ego steps in to my happy finger- tapping experience with its wagging finger.

Then  I find myself checking  out the sites on line that help build blog readership.  These sites speak  of SEO's, linking, guest blogging and putting more energy into promoting rather than writing...and I am like "What?  I just came here to write and to learn."

These blog sites also stress that bloggers lose interest in their writing if they do not get readers and feedback.  I am like, "What?"   I have been blogging since 2008...almost every single day...and it is still the highlight of my day.  One day I got 98 readers to my site but most days I average 6. I am only averaging about 6 readers a day and the only one that comments on my blog is me :)  I am okay with that but ego isn't.

Ego sometimes makes me forget why I write.  I write for the pure joy I find in each moment.  I write because I love to write...it is who I am, not what I do. I do not need big readership... I just need to write and to know I am reaching someone.  Then every word I put down has purpose. That's all I need.  Well all I thought I needed.  I really thought Spirit had my back on this one.

You know how I always write about the internal battle between ego (the little "i') and Spirit (the greater "I").   I don't like to follow ego.  We know what ego wants but what does spirit want? It wants the Greater Good for all.

What is the greater good in writing? Yesterday spirit spoke up and said, "Maybe you should listen to ego.  It might be right."  .  (Okay...lets be clear here...I am not speaking literally lol...these are not voices in my head...just figurative personifications to make a point...just in case you missed that and are pressing 9-1-1on your cell phone right now).  I had this feeling that it was time...time to get back out there, beyond the self protective cocoon of your readership and reach more people.  Wow! Spirit is agreeing with ego? I am being asked to reach more people?

 I mean I do write outside of here.  I have been published in magazines and journals before.  I wrote for papers.  I wrote books and sent them out.  So I am not completely new to other publication.

I am also okay with rejection.  I could paper-mache a cottage for the kids and I with all the rejection slips I have received over the years ( maybe you younger readers  do not know what paper-mache is?  As your teacher, I insist you look it up.  Or maybe you don't know what a rejection form letter is...back in the day when we used to snail mail out our "type written on a typewriter" submissions...if an editor didn't like your work you would get a check off form letter saying why it wasn't suited for their press.)  Going to the mail box everyday became both an exciting and dreadful experience but I got used to it.  So I am okay with rejection. 

I am okay with putting myself out there.  I am just not okay with taking time from writing to promote myself as a writer. Submitting articles and some fiction on line is much easier these days than it used to be but writing cover letters, synopsis, queries, CV's (especially when you have limited credentials) and waiting, waiting, waiting to hear back, forgetting who has what and how long they said they would take to respond etc etc etc ....is.... ugh!!!!

 And I have never written about my waking up to anyone but you. That's kind of like ..."Wow!  Deep! "    Well it is a lot deeper than the promotion of soft skills in nursing or how to build a bird feeder, anyway.

I don't like to promote myself as a writer...I just want to write. I don't want to profess to the world that I am waking up...I just want to wake up!  I am what I am. This blog allows me to simply be what I am...to come here and write.  It is my safe place!

Now spirit is siding with my big swollen ego and  telling me it isn't enough.  It is reminding me that it isn't all about me. It has some important things to say through me...so I better get up off my blogger butt and start writing about waking up  for submission. 

That is where I am at, my dear readers, writing for other people. I guess, I am making our relationship an open one. (We did talk about removing the "special' from relationships, didn't we?) So I made a deal with Spirit (and ego) yesterday. 

I will do  the writing and the blasted submitting but then it is out of my hands.  I leave that part to the literary agents Spirit has lined up somewhere in the cosmos for such a purpose:)  Whatever will be, will be.

What does that mean to our relationship?  Things will change between us. You won't be my only. I'll have to spruce up the place to make more room.  I may also be cutting back on my "daily" meeting with you.

I will write here every other day and write an article for submission elsewhere every other day.  God may not have made me the greatest writer in the world but he made me a prolific one  (I think I got that on a rejection letter once lol.) 

I have lots to write about and I can churn out the articles pretty quick. I will suck it up and do the proper work of submitting to publications that my work seems suited for ...then I leave it there.  My part is done and I am all yours.

The more feedback I receive (and not the pretty kind I suspect...there is always wonderful learning in feedback and criticism.)..the better I will get...and the better the writing will be that I  bring back to you.  So maybe it will be a win-win situation for all. I just have a strong feeling that I got to do this.  It is time to get the message out there.

So this is not goodbye to the way things were...just a so long until next time.  Change can sometimes be a wonderful thing.

Thank you for reading and getting me to this point in my growth.  Thank you for your private comments that told me you were receiving and giving back. Thank you for being there. 

Your Writer

Haven't written all day.  I have not forgotten you my few faithful readers...I am just trying to write some articles for publication elsewhere and it has taken me from this.  What I write  out of here feels like work when this never does.  It is ironic that my article is about taking a break from doing lol. Anywhere...I will get back to you.  The first draft of the article is done.  I just need to revise it a few times before I zip it out...I will be back to you then.

All is well.

Why are you knocking at every other door?  Go knock at the door of your own heart.
Rumi


I am not sure what to write today as I sit here.  My tea is cooling.  I can hear the lovely breeze outside and the sound of chickadees who have recently discovered the feeder I put out for them.  They seem happy. How wonderful is that?  I know I am all over the place with my topics and my thoughts but they will all come full circle eventually.  It seems like I am beating up on relationships of every kind but that is not the way it is...I am just trying to express what I am learning and realizing...the answers and solutions we are looking for are inside not outside. No person, no thing, no moment in the future is going to "fix" us and make our lives better.  It starts now with us. I am hoping all my rambling will all make sense eventually  (at least to me...if not to you.)   It is all good. The main theme of this entire blog is waking up...I am attempting to write about the importance of becoming conscious and aware of what the mind is doing so we can experience life fully each moment.  That is no easy task for a big ego infested mind like mine,  let me tell ya:) It is going to take some time to spit it all out. 

Anyway...I am grateful for this moment and all that is in it. 

All is well in my world.

Every negative belief weakens the partnership between mind and body.
Deepak Chopra



I have been thinking somewhat about where I am in life and I realize more and more it is all a mental trip.  Wellness, which I will use to describe a joyful energetic body, a loving compassionate heart, a reflective, intelligent mind and lightness of being ( Deepak Chopra; 2016), begins and ends in the mind, does it not? 

If we can go inward and work on understanding how we think and feel...see where it is limiting us...we can work on removing those limitations to attain and maintain the optimal wellness we deserve.  We need to understand that wellness is perfect harmony between body, emotion, thought and spirit.

 

The Body

 



I am not where I want to be on the wellness scale yet.  My body is not yet joyful or energetic.    The more I understand life...the more I see that this is what illness is...a body that is not as energetic as needed so one can express joy the way it is meant to be expressed.  We express joy through living fully. 

We are not well when we are not living fully. That's all. 

Ego needs labels, descriptors, categories, objective findings only to understand illness...it doesn't look at what illness really is.  It doesn't want to take it that far.  Man...how many people in this world would be ill...if we looked at it this way?







 Ego  wants us  to stay focused on external, physical reality that can be measured using the five senses.   Yet a lack of wellness is so much more than that.  My body is lacking energy and I am not expressing joy the way I am meant to.  

If life can only be found in this moment...why would we choose fatigue, depression and safety over joy and energy? Sure we may find the sweet spot for symptom management but would we be living? We would be like magnificent boats washed up on shore rather than sailing on the ocean where we belong.

If all life is...is this  moment, how would you spend it?  I am tired of playing the safe game to preserve my body's expiration date.  I want to spend the rest of my life living...not dying. 

The thing is...with more joy...the body will eventually feel more energy...the positive kind...and with more positive energy vibrating from cell to cell...how can I not help but get better?  How can I not help but know wellness.  There is no time for wellness but now! I don't want to live like this anymore!

Emotion

The emotions that will bring the most wellness to our lives are compassion and Love. Is your heart   as compassionate and loving as you want it to be?  I still have a big fat ego that pulls me from compassion and Love from time to time. 

So the more I understand the ego in my relationships...the more I can see that I don't want it ruling my life.  :)  I aim to get around it. I work on choosing my emotions.  I make feeling good my priority. 

Kindness feels so much better than being right.  Love feels so much better than fear. Peace feels so much better than stress. I am going inward, past the egoic mind,  more often and I radiate more love and compassion outward when I do that.

 

Thought

Thought is ego's closest alli but it doesn't have to be.  We can overcome our thinking. If we want to heal from anything...we need to examine how we are thinking and believing, see how that is influencing our wellness and make the appropriate changes.  

 

Spirit

True healing comes when we allow Spirit to dominate our lives rather than ego.  We will know spirit is in charge when we no longer cling to our notions of "specialness" and see the same likeness[lightness :)] of being in everyone we meet.  When we realize that there is not one human ...not one species...out there that is better than us or worse than us...that we are all blessed with "beingness" that comes form the Divine...we are more than on our way to wellness.

As for my lightness of being...there is still some "specialness" issues to work on before I realize that I am no better or no worse than anyone else. But I am trying.  I will get there.

So I am well on my way to wellness...at least the "wellness' I have come to understand as essential to a healthy, happy life.  My healing journey may never be supported by a system or viewed as a worthy by another; it may not lengthen my life...just the contrary...but it will bring, peace, joy, Love, compassion, freedom of thought and Spirit to  everything I do !  I will get there.

All is well!

References

Chopra, D. (2016) A Morning Meditation with Deepak Chopra. Huff Post. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sonimacom/a-morning-meditation-with-deepak-chopra_b_9554662.html

A Gift of Life

Every Moment is a gift of life

Thich Nhat Hanh

 

Waking up this morning, I smile:

Twenty-four brand new hours are before me.

I vow to live each moment fully

and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.

Thich Nhat Hanh

 

I am trying to wake up in the morning in the best of ways.  It isn't always easy...sometimes life comes flying at me, landing with a thump in the center of my chest when I open my eyes.  ( literally lol). Before I have a chance to smile and be thankful I seem to have something I need to deal with.  Yet...I am still trying because I see the value in every moment...I see life in every moment...I know that life can only be found in this moment.  Thich Nhat Hanh, a vietemese Buddhist Monk and author of many books intended gently to wake people up ...teaches this simple philosophy in peace is every breath. So I like to wake up to his words.

 

All is well in my world.

 

References:

 

Thich Nhat Hanh (2011) peace is every breath. New York: Harper One.

About the pic: Manual mode; f/7.1; SS 1/80; ISO 200...slightly overexposed for obvious reasons lol



Work on your own salvation.  Do not depend on others.
Buddha

I think the above quote says all I meant to say in the previous entry. No lover, no friend, no sibling and no neighbor can save you from yourself.  Freedom from the mind basically is the only real salvation, isn't it? 

We are all, whether we consciously know it or not, looking for a way out of this world we created in our minds under the dictatorship of the little self...the ego.  We want to wake up from this dream state and go home where we always were....with God. In that place  we can rest easy in  ultimate peace. We do not need to die to do that.  We can do it now. 

Until we realize that we are dreaming, however...we do nothing.  Then when we realize we are dreaming... but as of yet do not know how to wake ourselves up...we do so lucidly in an attempt to make the dream state better.  We make our way to the specialness and special relationships the dream provides us so we do not feel so alone.  Yet this is still only an illusion.  We are still dreaming.

Others outside ourselves cannot save us from this dream.  We just need to wake up.  We need to see that we have everything we need already.  We are already whole and complete.  The external world we dreamt about is so totally different in the morning  light.  What we were afraid of is whisked away and what brought us joy  and peace in a few elusive moments of dream state  is now abundant and ever lasting.

So when we are looking to others to fix us, rescue us, save us from a nightmare...we just need to realize we are dreaming.  No one can save us but us. 

Relationships are amazing and wonderful things when we are awake.  They are full of much less little self and much more Greater Self and unity with all. It is not defeating to anything but the ego to realize we are not "special".  Once we remove that layer of dream state...we are much closer to waking up. We can approach others with much more unconditional  love and compassion. We can live in peace.

All is well in my world

Special?

The love is real in any situation; everything else is an illusion.
Marianne Williamson

So I am still on the kick of special relationships.  Not  thinking so much about  romantic ones but the relations we have with others:  coworkers, friends, siblings, neighbors etc.  We often use the terms "best", "special", "greatest', "most esteemed", "most valued", "closest" when we are describing some of those relationships we truly value, don't we?

Do you feel special in a relationship like that?  I am going to be the bad guy again and burst some more bubbles.  I am going to tell  you, in the kindest way I can that,  you are not special!  I know...I know...it stings even to  contemplate that possibility that you can not redeem yourself from your sense of incompleteness and brokenness through the perception of being special. It sucks!

Specialness is of the Ego

Any claims at specialness or any proclamations of just how special you are...all come from the ego and we know that anything that comes from the ego isn't real.  Ego is "needy" and "self-centered". It tells us we are incomplete, alone, bound to suffer.  It also tells us we can redeem ourselves through relationships where we are viewed  as special and selected or  where we choose, pick and select others that are special.  How do we choose? 

We apply or past the trust test.  I will tell you something about myself that I do not tell many people...it is going to put me in a vulnerable position...if you respond the way I want you to, without judging me or hurting me...and if I feel better because of it...then I will make you special.  If I can do the same for you ...than you can put the "special" badge on me. 

We tell ourselves if this person passes the test and really likes me...they will give me what I need.  They will make me feel better about myself; they will listen and understand me completely; they will forgive me;  they will shower me with affection; they will always be there when I need them and they will care about me unconditionally. 

They will meet my needs because I deemed them as special or if they proclaimed the same of me...I will meet theirs! We expect mutuality here but like anything based on ego there is no mutuality only the appearance of it. The ego is too self-centered in its neediness to maintain mutuality.

Expectations

 



There is then...special obligations, regulations and duties, determined by the ego,  for the special person to take on to maintain this status.  It is adamant that the parties  meet these expectations for the relationship to continue in a "healthy" way. Special relationships are not unconditional then...they are very conditional. When we decide someone is going to take on a "special" role in our lives we become demanding in our expectation. Egos version of healthy ... isn't healthy for the spirit.

We do not expect the fulfillment of these duties  from the other people in our lives whom we do not deem as special, right?  We do not expect our acquaintances, the cashier at the grocery store, the bank teller or the co-worker down the hall we only meet in the elevator once a week...to meet these expectations, do we?  We are not disappointed or hurt  when they really do not seem to give a damn about our health, our problems or anything else in our life...do we? 

No... we do not expect anything from them but a little respect and cordiality. We actually seem to be more pleasant and smiley around those people...more consistently  content...than we are around our "besties" or our siblings.  Why? 

Without expectation there is no disappointment.  Ego doesn't jump in and start playing mind games with us...it doesn't have time to in these quick, friendly banters and exposures.  There is nothing to lose because we know there is nothing to gain. It just is what it is. 

But for the person whom we attached "best", "special", ""closest" too ...well we do expect a lot more, don't we? We place the impossible burden of "fixing" us  on the other.  This is a burden only the superhuman can fulfill and we often feel hurt, stung, devalued, angry, guilty, blaming, defensive etc when we see that the individuals wearing the "special" uniforms we gave them to wear cannot fly.

Seeing Relationships for what they Really Are

In my waking up process, I am looking at all my relationships in a new light, through new eyes.  It is amazing what I am seeing and what I am feeling.  More and more, I seem to be seeing  just how not special I am in the eyes of others lol.  It is like a falling from grace that the illusion of specialness allowed me to stand on for a while. It stings like the dickens but I am so grateful for how much the impact is helping me to wake up even further. I am learning enlightening things about others, relationships and most importantly myself. I can step back and see ego in all of it.

Lately people I claimed as special are having a challenging time meeting my needs. My life is too heavy right now!  I reek of drama and not the exciting kind...more like the Greek tragedy kind lol. No one really wants to sit through the play and can I blame them?   Right now my physical world circumstances are too heavy for social relationships.  Until I am able to make peace with them...I cannot except others to want to see or hear about them.

That is why I stepped back from the world a little bit.  I closed the curtain and the audience of "specials" who sit before it seem more comfortable with that.  They do not have to witness the heroine's struggles. It is not what they signed up for when they decided to do the "special' thing with me way back when .  I was supposed to be uncomplicated lol...boys did they get the opposite of that. at the same time as is teh nature humankind, they still expect me to be there for them.  When I can't be they get disappointed.

 Our expectations of each other are ridiculous.  I have come to realize, that everyone I have a relationship with, that falls in the so called "special" realm in my mind, is basing their understanding of me on illusion.  Each has painted a specific picture of me that suits them...that meets their particular needs.  They do not necessarily see me, understand me or accept the "real' 'me...nor do they want to. I do the same with them.   

None of us in the relationships I have are special.  We are human beings with big fat egos that do a lot of nasty things including convincing us that we need special relationships to be whole. We expect, we blame, we collect grievances and offenses, we manipulate, we try to get the other person to feel guilty for not keeping up with their end of the deal... making us complete.

We are already whole and complete.  Imagine starting a relationship knowing that you and the other person were already whole...that you didn't need them...that you just wanted to enjoy the time you had with them without any expectations...that you alone were responsible for your life and if your friend decided one day to listen...great but it wasn't a prerequisite for time together or for your peace of mind?  Wouldn't that be healthier?  

What if you were more concerned about being kind and compassionate to everyone than you were about receiving a certain amount of kindness and compassion from a special other...wouldn't life be a lot more the way God intended? 

You see...when we include a selected few  into the realm of "special' we exclude a greater number of others.  Inclusion brings exclusion. Inclusion and exclusion are of the ego...not of God.  We are not meant to exclude anyone from our compassion, kindness and affection, are we?

I don't know people...just more food for thought.  I hope you hear more than bubbles bursting when you read this.  I hope you feel the bit of truth in this.  I truly think the world would be a better place if we could get rid of our need for "special" anything. I think our minds would be much more peaceful without the expectations of specialness. What do you think?  Just another long rampage from the crazy woman lol ?  Maybe so...maybe so...but it makes a lot of sense to me.

All is well in my world.

The flower doesn't dream of the bee.  It blossoms, and the bee comes.

                                                                        Mark Nepo

Now it is time to sit quiet, with thee, and to sing dedication of life in this silent and overflowing leisure.
Tagore

I absolutely love the poem, A moment's Indulgence.  I think it says so eloquently what sits within my heart.  I, too, want more time with God...in silence, in peace, absent of the need to do and fill my day with "endless toil".  I want my heart to sing of the preciousness of life  this moment offers  while the world around me plays beautiful music "in the court of the flowering grove". 

I always feel good when I read this poem.  No matter what is going on around me or in me...I read that and I smile. (I wonder though if he meant to write "quiet" instead of "quite." lol...I am kind of hoping he did ...because if a beautiful poet like Tagore can goof up every now and again, I don't feel so bad about my many goof ups.  Of course, he probably wrote it in Bengali...so my theory has holes as does my need for redemption through the errors of others lol) ) 

His words make me think about how precious every moment is and how we should live each one like we do not know if we will ever see the next one.  If you thought your time was running out, would you not want every moment to be full of  overflowing leisure?  Would you fill it with more endless toil or would you sing dedication of life?  Would you want peace or a sense of productivity?

As I have mentioned before I often feel like my time is running out.  I am not focusing on illness or death obsession as I write that...I just have this feeling that all I have is now.

 My sense of urgency in embracing the now may not be coming from some eerie forewarning of the upcoming demise of my body but actually be a symptom of my "waking up".  As I wake up I begin to see that...yeah...all there is is now. 

The past is past...never to be lived again and the future...never comes.  If I spend each moment trying to rectify what I experienced yesterday or project all my life happiness on what will come tomorrow...my life will be full of endless toil...won't it?  If I spent this moment in silence...mindfully...looking around at all I see...hearing all I hear...feeling all I feel...would I not be singing a song of life?  Would I not be experiencing God?  Would I not be truly living?

So many of get lost in "work" and our egoic need to be productive.  Work can be a wonderful thing ...it can be a great expression of who we are, especially if we are passionate about what we do.  We often need to work to survive...so I am not saying "Don't work" and either is Tagore.  Far from it. 

What is implied  in the poem...is to take a moment...this moment...right now and embrace the life that is waiting in it.  Don't get lost in your work.  Indulge yourself in the summer waiting outside your window with all its beautiful sighs and murmurs.  Live mindfully.  Live now.

On that note, lol, I am ironically off to work.

All is well in my world.

Peace through Kindness

Great calm, generous detachment, selfless love, disinterested effort: these are what makes for success in life. If you can find peace in yourself, and spread comfort around you, you will be happier than an empress.
Rabindranath Tagore

A bit worried today about the bees, my dogs and my peace. lol  If I get the peace thing under control all would be well but every now and again I feel the pangs of ego.  I do have to struggle a little bit to subdue my need to be right so that I can be kind. 

I am trying to be kind more for my own peace of mind than anything humanitarian lol.  It is a selfish motivation.  I don't want to be burdened by the heaviness of anger, resentment, or self righteousness.  My heart is already tired enough lol. 

So...I am trying to look past the behaviour of others, skirt around the drama, empathize, see the light  and let what they  think, say and do go.  I am actually doing pretty good and I was totally cooperative with the police yesterday. Though the fine was for "dog at large" which my dog wasn't...I signed my name and admitted guilt I guess because my dog did go to the end of the driveway and bark at her.  I did not see it but the witnesses stress the dog did not leave the yard.   I take full responsibility for the dogs barking and D. did have her off lead which he, according, to the law, should not have done even if she remained in the yard. 

So I gladly pay the fine but my ego is stepping in with a great deal of suspicion..."You know she isn't going to stop, eh?  Until she has the dogs away from the neighborhood?    You know by signing your name to that...it puts her in a position of power over you...she can call again a couple of more times and the dogs will have to go.  She knows what she is doing.  She is on a mission and you are the target.  Being kind is not going to help here. "

 I step back; I see my ego at work;  I breathe; I meditate; I remember my father talking about kindness; I picture the big plaque I have on my kitchen wall reminding me to  "Be Kind"  and I let it go.  Every now and again it will pop up in my mind and fester a bit.  I have to bring myself back down with reality.

 I know I cannot control what other people do.  I can only control myself .  I have little control of what goes on around me but I can make choices to work on controlling what is within me. If I am at peace...nothing else really matters, does it? 

I made a decision yesterday that I will not get rid of the dogs...if they have to go...we go with them.  I also made a decision to work on their obedience.  They cannot run after people or things and the barking has to be minimized. I totally agree with that. 

I fear ( ego again:)) that it won't be enough...that the lies and the exaggerations and the drama may continue until we are out of here and she feels that she has won the war...a war I want no part of, by the way. The truth is, if this continues I do not want to be in this neighborhood.  If others are joining in creating more and more drama...I don't want to be around that negativity...that toxic sludge.  I don't want, what's left of my life, contaminated by that. 

If the healthiest spiritual thing to do is walk away...I will walk away.  I have no problems letting her win because I don't want to get tied up in this imaginary ego war she is so intent on winning.  I just want peace.  And the only person who can give me peace is me. So be it!

All is well.

Plying their minstrelsy at the court of the flowering grove....

Not sure what this was shot in or with what...I think it might have been my Coolpix with the telephoto lens ( obviously)...seems like so many years ago...seven maybe?  Please know that every photo you find here (with the exception of graphics) is mine.  For whatever it's worth ...I am into supplying the original lol.

A Moment's Indulgence

 

I ask for a moment's indulgence to sit by thy side. The works
that I have in hand I will finish afterwards.

Away from the sight of thy face my heart knows no rest nor respite,
and my work becomes an endless toil in a shoreless sea of toil.

Today the summer has come at my window with its sighs and murmurs; and
the bees are plying their minstrelsy at the court of the flowering grove.

Now it is time to sit quite, face to face with thee, and to sing
dedication of life in this silent and overflowing leisure. 

Rabrindath Tagore

 

 

 

Poem Hunters.Com (2004) Retrieved from  https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/a-moments-indulgence/

 

The dogs with the loudest barks are the ones that are most afraid.
Norman Reedus

Awe!!! I want to begin by saying that I don't like people lol. 

I don't like the need to attack and defend...to be right at all costs...that people possess.  I don't like the gossip and the lies...the drama and the over exaggeration people spread in order to be "right".  I do not like the villianization of others so one can bask in the light of martyrdom and victimhood in order to rationalize their behaviour or to feel better. 

I don't like projection of lower emotions and qualities like fear onto others so humans  do not have to deal with those things in themselves. I don't like contempt.  I do not like the desire to exclude the unwanted and  or include the selected few.  I don't like anger, vengefulness and self-righteousness. I don't like narcissism and ego-centrism. 

I don't like selfishness.  I don't like the sense of entitlement so many seem to possess these days  and the attack that follows when needs are not met the way they were expected to be met. I don't like ingratitude and disrespect.

I don't like the lack of accountability and the blatant irresponsibility I see lately. I don't like dishonesty and manipulation. I don't like blame and unfair accusation. I don't like the mistreatment of people, animals, nature  based on judgment and assumption with disregard for the truth. Most importantly, I don't like to be the target for all that lol...that's the real problem. Who am I kidding?  I don't like it directed my way.  :)

But... oh.... what a wonderful lesson life provides us, when it is directed our way.  It gives us an opportunity to take a good long look at ourselves to see not only if there is any truth behind that judgment that will help us to grow and be accountable for our behaviour...but it also allows us to see that the very same "crap" that is being flung at us...is the same crap we have the potential and possibly the past experience of flinging at others.  The old saying about the karmic wheel is true: What goes around, comes around.  

It makes one want to re-examine how we treat others when we are the recipient of such unwanted drama. We can empathize with those we shunned, judged, attacked, ridiculed, lied about, created stories about...feeling the pain we must have caused them with our deeds. We also feel the pain the realization of hurting another causes us. There is no winning here.  When we are attacked...it hurts.  When we do attack.... it hurts even more in the long run.  Attack, in whatever form it comes in, brings pain.  It is an unnecessary pain because attack is unnecessary.  Anything that comes from the ego is unnecessary.

I never really meant what I said in the opening.  It is not people I do not like...just ego.  :)  I see the ugly effects of ego in myself and I see it in others.  I see how, if we let it,  it will damage the  state of peace we are meant to experience. 

Nope...I am not particularly fond of dealing with  the human ego.  I prefer being around animals more than people because animals  do not have egos, they don't do the drama thing or play games.  Ego can be nasty!!! I know what I see in others, is definitely in me.  That's the scary part.

My outward world reflects this ego ...my ego.  Certain neighbors  have become gatekeepers in this community...deciding who belongs and who doesn't.  If one speaks their mind openly and honestly and shows little concern for social etiquette or a need to belong...they are outcasted. Attempts are then made to get the unwanted out of the neighborhood.  Add fear or even a full fledged but undealt with phobia in a person who tends to be a little narcissistic to the mix and things go flying out of control very quickly. 

The fear is projected outward onto other people and other things.  Instead of saying "I am afraid" because that puts the individual in a vulnerable position...the person deals with the  unwanted fear response aggressively by blaming someone else for having the thing they are afraid of.

In order to rationalize their vulnerability they over exaggerate the situations, spin the web, make someone the villain, and they themselves the brave victim who is out to protect the entire neighborhood... all in an attempt to eliminate the source of their fear.

Aggression gives us power and we tend to use it when we feel the most threatened. This is done by unjust accusations and reports to police and animal control...an over exaggeration of incidents to the point of lying ...spreading of malignant gossip that other neighbors absorb like thirsty sponges...and creating an image of the target human as someone who needs to be removed for the betterment of the neighborhood. All because the person is afraid.

The thing about a phobia is...it doesn't go away when you eliminate a trigger.  I mean the reaction does and there is momentary relief but the phobia doesn't go away.  There will be other triggers...more reactions...and the more you avoid the source of fear...the bigger and more intense the phobia actually becomes. 

Even if this neighbor is successful in getting rid of me and my dogs...there will always be other dogs who bark...some of those dogs might even be vicious.  My dogs are not vicious. They sound scary...especially when they are all barking at once...and one looks scary weighing in at 80-100 lbs...but they are not vicious. They bark at first but before long they are wagging their tails, sniffing and leaving the source of their curiosity alone. Of course if you run by them...they may chase but once they caught up they wouldn't do anything.

I can understand why someone would be afraid if they are walking by the house and the larger dog is off leash and heads toward the end of the yard and starts barking at them...especially when they have a baby carriage with them.  Yes...that would be scary and even scarier if you have this supressed fear of dogs anyway. But that's all they do is bark.  They do not even leave the property when they bark.

 But the story has been spun that they come running out at the neighbors snarling and bearing teeth, nipping at their ankles, attacking them.  It has been reported that my dogs are vicious and out of control, always at large and seldom restrained... that the individuals with babies and small children  are concerned about their safety.  They jeopardize public safety?

Come on! First of all, have you ever heard of any dog...vicious or not... snatching a baby from the carriage  while its pushed down the road?  Secondly, if someone was so concerned about the baby's safety why would they push the carriage in front of my house, where there is supposedly, "wild, vicious, unrestrained dogs with neighbors who do not do anything about them" twice a day when there is an alternate route that is shorter and easier? For the sheer purpose of creating drama.

Of course, egos  disguised as neighbors like the juicy gossip, they like to judge and condemn and accept the untruths as truths.  They like having a black sheep to focus their attention on so they do not have to deal with themselves.  They succumb to such stories and they  too become afraid, talk, judge and condemn  as the drama spins out of control. When I say they, I should say we...and when I say we...I am referring to our ego driven selves...not who we really are.

I am sure this neighbor who is attacking me...is not a vicious and malicious person. I want to believe her fear is the only vicious thing in this drama...that's  all.  Her fear is of the ego.  Her ego is encouraging her to attack and create this drama to justify her response.  I am not above that...that could be me if I let my ego take over. 

I just get so astounded when I see how much damage the ego can do if we let it.  How nasty it can get. 

What she is doing to me is not that nice but little does she know that what she is doing to herself is so much worse.  If she doesn't admit to her phobia and own up to it and abandon her unhealthy and impossible mission to control all external circumstances that trigger it ...this phobia, her anger, her need for retribution  and her ego are going to keep spinning out of control.  She will hurt herself.  She will get caught in a lie.  The truth about this situation will eventually be known to all but until then...I believe she is suffering more than I am over this.  For that reason, I am driven towards a certain empathy for her plight.

 I do not want anyone to be afraid.  I just want peace.  I am going to my best to let it all go and not be overly concerned about other opinion  unless it is based on solid truth and it is determined from that truth that a change is called for. I already spent way too much time an energy on this matter lol.  The police are coming tonight as charges are pending.  I will conserve my mental energy for that. I do not need to be right.  I just need peace.  I can be kind in order to achieve that.  This drama will end eventually even if it is just ending in my mind.  That is all that matters anyway.

All is well in my world.

"Dear outsiders, even the most beautiful of wildflowers are considered weeds in the wrong gardens - what another thinks of you does not dictate your value."
Beau Taplin. Wildflowers