Self Reflection 36 Hours After Trauma

 For real change to take place, the body has to learn that the danger has passed and to live in the reality of the present.

Bessel Van der Kolk

36 Hours After Trauma

So just how much am I learning? How much have I progressed?  

This traumatic incident we have been through, with its hidden karmic value, was an amazing opportunity to see how much I have grown. I see two things: One, that I can maintain the seat of consciousness in life threatening situations and two, that my egoic reactivity, based on a samskara triggering (one where I seek support from  "formal support systems" during or after a crisis) is still very much prevalent and can pull me out of the Seat very quickly.  Cool as a cucumber during and immediately after the actual trauma... but a mess as soon as I think about having to deal with the "systems"  ( like when I had the chest pain and thought I might have to go in. I was more stressed about that than I was about getting beat up), or when I am actually dealing with the individuals from these systems afterwards.

Reliving the Self Fulfilling Prophecy

 Because of past experiences,  I operate in a self fulfilling prophecy  almost every time I deal with the "systems". I have ingrained in me this core belief that I can not trust theses formal support systems  to help 'me' because they have not in the past; that they tend not to believe 'me' or take what I am dealing with seriously. that they are more likely to minimize 'my' complaints  and shame 'me' than they are to help 'me'. I understand, at some deep level, I am creating this. I do.  I understand that in some way it is karmic in nature  and  something I can learn and grow from. I do not want to resist it. I would like to open up more to it so I understand it more and eventually let it go.

You mean you were not shook up at all after the incident?

The incident, I believe, came in and went.  I can think back on it clearly without too much issue. I am not clinging to the actual incident. I mean I definitely feel some post effects.The last two days I have been waking up at the same time the incident occurred on Saturday morning, checking the door to make sure it was still holding, sneaking downstairs to check on the girls ( doing so very carefully because I do not want to surprise them and send them into a fright. I know their amygdala's are very much on guard.) I guess, I am afraid now of 'what could happen', with just reason. But it is not consuming me.

A Bigger Stressor: Samskara Activation

That incident wasn't my biggest stressor...dealing with the authorities, the next day, is what I cannot let go of.  Mentally,  I am stuck on that...resisting and reacting.  I am regretting that I didn't do enough for others out there, for public safety, for him. Though my focus in the last 36 hours has been narrowed down to my family, I know this reality extends beyond us. If he uses again, others in the community are at risk. He, or whatever that was in him, was trying to kill us that night and it would have if it had the opportunity. There was no rational mind operating in those 15 minutes he was attacking us. So, I am fully aware that no restraining order or momentary lucid moment of "remorse" or a promise to "not do it again" is going to stop him if he becomes psychotic again.  Meth psychosis is a very real and serious thing. 

Anyway, I question if I should have done more, said more, insisted on more, been more assertive with the systems that we were dealing with? I was just  too busy playing the survivor game, trying to get what was needed, doing whatever  I could to get a no contact order to protect "my" family, even if it meant pretending to trust that which I did not trust, while my samskaras related to dealing with similar issues in the past were being activated. As a result,  I didn't think enough of "others" out there.  I didn't think enough of him. My wonderful light of consciousness narrowed its beam from the wide angle it was shining on  down to a tiny little speck..."me".  It became all about "me" again.

Through the lens of stored impressions

Because I was seeing, once again,  through the lens of stored impressions and because I was so damned exhausted from the whole thing, I was mentally reactive, and I stopped seeing the "whole picture clearly". I was no longer  behind the mind as I was the night before...I was pulled into the mind.  My mind was full of: "Like so many times before they don't believe me. Authorities never believe me when I present in crisis. How do I prove to them that I am telling the truth.  Because they don't believe me, my children are at risk. What do I do? My children are at risk because of something they assumed I did or said...something I am...that convinces them not to believe me. Why does this always happen? Well, maybe they are right...maybe it wasn't that bad...and I am just making too much of it again. Maybe they are right...there is just something wrong with me.  That is what they are saying, aren't they? That I am too dramatic, too 'crazy'?  Just like when I presented with my daughter when she was suicidal...or myself when I was having angina attacks. I am always just making too much of things, in their eyes aren't I? Should I be ashamed of myself? " 

It is so bizarre how quickly that shame spiral whirls out of control when I am dealing with doctors, mental health professionals, the police etc. ...That core belief activation and associated thinking is so quick to fill my mind if I am not consciously willing myself to stay in the Seat. It gets in the way of reality, of what is truly enfolding in front of me. 

What is real? 

What is real is that my family was violently attacked by someone in acute Meth psychosis. This someone was psychotic and a risk to himself and others. The community needs to be protected!  He needs help! (I do really want him to get the help he needs.) This psychosis will come back.  I have seen it before, lived with it before. I have seen how affected individuals do not have to be using to have an episode.  It can be triggered by almost anything including high anxiety levels, cravings, and other substances.  It doesn't always go away . Infact, the other individual I know still has the odd bout and has to be treated still with antipsychotics. His started  three years ago. And he has only used once in that three year period.  I could not get much help for him either when it began.  I had to fight and wait for him to get so bad he asked for help himself (with my direction).  And when he did get help I could not convince the authorities how at risk my family was. Though he was more paranoid than outwardly aggressive in his presentation, I found homemade weapons under his bed and notes to his Dad that implied that I was the source of his fear and that he had to protect him and his Dad from me.  The mental health authorities couldn't understand, even with that, why I wouldn't take him home. They...the members of the mental health system that were making the decisions thought I was being overly dramatic and ridiculous.  He was, afterall, "the best patient they had". This has led to a great deal of distrust in the system. It felt like yet another 'assumption' about "me" was made and like the others it would get in the way of truth. 

That distrust and that fear that the same type of thing would take place again has been reactivated in me by this incident.  It is me that is doing the activating, I know that.  The individuals in the systems I am dealing with are just doing their jobs as they do what all of us tend to do, protect their egos. Making assumptions and judgements is a part of that ego protection. We so often need to prove to ourselves and others that we are "right" and the ones that "know" even if it darkens what is real.  Though their intentions are often so honorable,  they have to be overwhelmed...the systems are so overloaded with "suffering" beings.  They are facing this suffering daily with limited time and resources, often attacked by it. That must have an impact on their own ability to see clearly.  It would on mine, I know.  I empathize.  I respect and I appreciate what they do. This is not an attack on anyone in these systems.  It is just acknowledging that systems could be improved when ego gets in the way of doing what is best, of seeing what is real.

What is real is that it happened and there is nothing we can do about it.  We can do a limited amount to make sure it doesn't happen again which I hope we did.  Despite my internal reactivity yesterday dealing with those professionals  I dealt with, I did my best to ensure they knew what happened and how serious it was and therefore how much of a threat to the community this individual could be. Then I had to let it go. When I seen or heard that they were more or less seeing him as the victim, diminishing and questioning the validity of our concerns...I became very reactive inside.  I resisted. I tried to relax into that resistance and to let it go. It was challenging to do so.

Still Reactive

I am still reactive. Monkey mind is very busy. I am having a hard time relaxing into the system's approach to this and how I am allowing it to affect me internally.  I am very aware of those old samskaras arising to the surface with their shame. They are very heavy and annoying but they need to be felt and experienced before they are released.  My focus seems to be more on that than it is on the possibility that this might happen again. Is that strange? I do not feel fear.  Oh, I know that if he uses again that he could seriously hurt or kill another. He could come back here. Or he could harm himself. He needs help.

My suffering, their suffering, his suffering=our suffering

Sigh! But I have to let go.  This all feels like too much, you know?  Like I am holding onto and weighed down my so much that isn't mine. Hmm! But that is just it, isn't it?  It is all mine and it is all yours.  It's everybody's and nobody's at the same time. This suffering is a universal suffering. Something we all share whether we know it or not.  I practice yoga because I realize that. I practice yoga because I want my form to be free of suffering, my loved ones forms to be free of suffering, his form to be free of suffering,  all of us to be  free of suffering. I cannot change the opinions of those that belong to the formal support systems that are there to actively reduce suffering.  I cannot fix the system.  I can not fix my children.  I cannot fix him...but if I heal myself... that will have a ripple effect on everyone.  I don't just believe that.  I know that, at some deep, deep level. So I go back to yoga.

All is well.

The High Hanging Fruit of Sadhanna

 The fruit at the top is best, they say,  but more difficult to get to.  The fruit at the bottom is easy to reach, they say,  but there is so much  you can never pick it all.

Unknown

I spend a great deal of time and energy examining my own mind, my own mental and personal development through my practice.  Sometimes it absolutely amazes me how much I have grown into staying seated in the center of consciousness, and other times I am shocked at how easy it is to fall back away from it.  Regardless, observing self  and Self as I learn and practice  is an amazing thing in itself. 

Mastering the High Hanging  Fruit

I am really getting somewhere with this practice and was put to the test to prove that on Friday night/ Saturday morning.

My family was violently attacked by someone suddenly overwhelmed by an unconscious and uncontrollable meth psychosis....at 3 am.  When I say my family...I mean my entire family that lives here.  This was not, as authorities want to believe , a domestic violence case aimed for one person. It wasn't aimed for anybody really and at the same time everybody. The person was completely psychotic.  This was the closest thing to a demonic possession I have ever witnessed. (And I don't believe in such things.) There were moments we could still see the person we knew in there, asking for help even, and the next second he would be completely overwhelmed by this dark and violent force that wanted nothing more than to hurt us. Even the physical appearance of the person would change from the calm person pleading for help to this "monster" ( for lack of better words) with dark eyes and growling presence that was out to attack whatever it could reach. He had the strength of ten men.  We all got a beating in some way or another. My daughter more than all.  All of us, though  bruised, are very, very lucky to be alive.  I am not exaggerating when I say that. 

This would be a high hanging fruit right? Throughout the whole , I think it was 15 minutes, of the attack before the police arrived I was unbelievably calm.  I was so aware of what was happening around me, despite all the screaming and the chaos.  I mean, my body was in flight or fight as it needed to be ( one of the few times in life we need to be) ...even heard myself screaming once or twice...but my mind was calm, remarkably calm and clear.  At one point I was pushed into a corner, my daughter on top of me, and as I was trying to shield her body under mine to receive the blows I heard myself saying, "Oh...so this is what it is like to go through something like this.  I may die here...and this is what it will be like." There was no reactivity...no fear.  There was no bloody fear. There was just this awareness of everything going on around me....the experiencing of the experience as the experiencer. I was in the seat of consciousness! I was still acting, doing what needed to be done to protect myself and others around me.  My body moved here and there. For the most part my voice was so calm. I did scream every now and again when myself or others were getting hurt but it was like the scream belonged to the body, not the mind. The mind stayed calm. And I had nothing but compassion for the individual under that psychotic shadow, I wanted to help him and tried  but soon discovered that I couldn't.  I would have done anything to protect my family, don't get me wrong, but I felt so much compassion for him  I knew there was a being just like me beneath that darkness. There were five of us and only one of him but we could not fend him off or stop him from attacking.  It was only when he got outside to literally howl at the moon ( and it was ironically a full moon) that we are able to protect ourselves with the door between us...until he broke it down that is.  He had the strength of ten men! When the police came to take this person away I was still in that very calm state of mind. I tried using that calmness to keep others calm but everyone was obviously upset. That calm lasted throughout the remainder of the night/morning.  I was so amazed by this observation in myself.  Wanted to tell everyone,  "I had awakened!" lol

Well my mind might have been awakened but my body wasn't.  I within an hour of the police leaving had a terrible angina attack from the fight or flight reaction as well as all the running around and fighting off I had to do.  Was the worse one I had in a awhile.  The first dose of nitro wouldn't work ...the second dose wouldn't work but I was mentally and physically resisting taking the third dose becasue I did not want to go into the ER...to put that on top of all the other stressors the early morning was providing.  So I held on and I hoped and I prayed until finally the pain went away. 

Wow! I survived that too and I stayed pretty calm, if not as calm as I was earlier. I was able to  fall back to sleep for an hour or two. I really felt I was mastering my practice.

The Low Hanging Fruit

That is until about noon the next morning when we get a call...well let me correct that...my daughter gets a call from mental health ( she puts me on speaker with her for most of her calls because she is hard of hearing) asking if she was ready to receive this person back into our home. (He does not even live here). Of course we shouted no in unison and tried to explain why but were reminded  how "remorseful" he was and how he would not likely do it again. I do want what is best for this person I do.  He needs lots of loving support,  psychiatric help, help with his addiction etc but there is no way on God's green earth am I going to allow my family to go through that again. We were told he was being released regardless and that he would be told he was no longer welcome here.  It was then that I felt the reactivity starting.  Released?  We do not even have a front door anymore to hide behind. If he uses again, he will likely be back. What about other out there should he use again? Do they not see what is going on?

So we went back to the authorities again to do what had to be done to ensure our protection.  Even then we were questioned if we really wanted to do this. My reactivity was increasing.  I felt my anger and resistance in the form of disbelief arising, "This cant be happening" my mind was saying. I insisted but felt that reactivity in my throat.  I was falling from my seat and into the story of what happened and was happening now when we were just trying to protect ourselves and what could happen in the future. I was also physically exhausted from the angina attack and from the drama of the night before.  I found myself irritable...slipping more and more.

Getting the door fixed proved to be more frustrating than expected. But we felt an "urgent" need to get it fixed. My daughters were suffering and I didn't know how to help them.  My house was a mess from everything and I didn't have the energy to do anything.  I was worried about him and what he might be experiencing now and whether or not he would get the help he needed. We had to write  up our bloody statements. We had issues getting them printed off.  I kept thinking...okay if we just get this part of getting the statements done everything will feel better.  We could move on. I was projecting into the future to get out of this moment.  I was sore from where I got banged up too.  I hated looking at the bruises on other bodies.  I began beating myself up for allowing him to stay here as much as he was staying here. Felt it was my fault.  I was scared.  What if he came back? How would I protect the people in my household? The mind was far from calm! I found myself out of the seat of consciousness and focusing more on what little me was experiencing. Yeah I slipped.

So I handled the high hanging fruit beautifully , testament to the growth that is occurring with a committed practice. ...but  I am also reminded how easily we can slip. I didn't handle the low hanging fruit very well. Hmm! All in the learning.  All in the learning!! 

All is well (It really is)

The Peeling Away of the "Masquerading Self"

 Painful experiences of the past are carved on your ego. Peel off all layers of your ego and you will find the spotless, pure and shining soul underneath. 

Shunya

Reactive

I spent the last couple of days, when I had time, reflecting on the rising of a somewhat intense reactivity in 'me', that seems to be so triggered by 'working out there'. I am noticing an intense fear related to making mistakes, of displeasing others, of not meeting expectations and the consequences that I assume will follow, emerging in me.  I am noticing the core belief by which this is bound arising as well.  The core belief says , "If anybody is going to make a mistake/sin/be worthy of punishment, it will be you. You are a mistake waiting to happen.  You are a mistake. You need to be punished for what you have already done and you need to stop making more mistakes.  Repent!  And, for the good of the world and yourself, stay clear of areas/situations where you could make more mistakes." (Duh? That could be absolutely anywhere, right?)  

Painful experiences are carved...

Of course, with that core belief is an underlying shame. Shame and fear are very caustic emotions that burn at our insides. It is far from pleasant to have them come up. Though I know exactly where this reaction comes from and I have experienced it in a lesser degree many, many times in my life history, I have never been as acutely aware of it as I am now.  It has never been quite to this degree, or at least this obvious.

Why Now?

Why am I reacting so intensely now, when I have been doing so much spiritual work; when I have grown and matured in so many ways? 

Purification and the peeling away of ego

I am feeling this so intensely because I am in the process of purification. As I observe myself reacting in this way and reflect upon it, I realize that this poorly stuffed core belief, this habit tendency, these emotional energies I have carried with me most of my life feel so intense now because the layers of protective self I put over them  have been taken away. Layer by layer, I (or Life) have been peeling off  my ego, my psyche, the self concept that once protected or at least subdued this samskara so it wasn't constantly coming into my conscious awareness. 

I find myself now well into the process of pulling off this particular layer that once covered the inner pseudo-reality of 'shamed/shame filled being', and  prevented it from being exposed to the outside world (albeit never completely).  This layer I am pulling off, I believed, gave the world more of what I thought it wanted. Instead of a "broken, sinful mistake maker and/or mistake" the world would want to punish, I gave them the redeemer part of my ego. I worked hard, all my life,  to create an image that would compensate my shameful nature, using all the ego means I knew: outer appearance, people pleasing tendencies, education, false confidence, success, some form of status and something/anything  that would be more appealing to others than disgusting. I created what Yogananda called a "masquerading self".  

The Masquerading Self 

Though this masquerading self is still just another layer over who and what we really are, it did protect "me" from some pain and discomfort.  It silenced a lot of the noise that was on the layer beneath it.  It hid the rotting mess from others and myself so I could get by. Now that is is just hanging by threads, and I find myself out there working in the world, I wear my samskara layer on the surface. It is red and raw and it hurts like h-e-double hockey sticks. This is why I  have done so much, in the past, to defend and protect it, to cling to it.  This is why, I realize, I am finding it hard to accept calls and to go 'out there' without it.  This is why I am completely wiped for days afterwards when I do go in, even when I have great days, and I usually have good days.  The protection is gone.  

Without a protective shell

I am like a tortoise who, upon realizing he could have  freedom from  carrying so much extra and unnecessary weight, finds himself  suddenly without a shell, crawling through thorny brush to get to a food source on the other side.  I have to crawl through these thorns, that are exactly where and what they are for reasons that do not concern me, to get to what I want on the other side.  I am more than willing but man it is hard.  Every now and again I need to stop, and even pull back a bit sometimes, so I can catch my breath.  I am committed but like the tortoise, I am slow. 

Something must be really wrong with you, crazy lady?

Now I realize how pathetic and drastic that core belief and all its emotional energy may sound.  I agree, there is something really wrong with "me".  Mostly everything that has to do with any "me" is wrong. "Me" stops us from realizing who we are at the core  ...it is a layer in the way.  

Why would you share it? 

I have a very, very strong suspicion that I am not the only one with such a "sick" core belief inside them. with such a samskara haunting them.  I never knew  my samskara was as nasty as it was because I was too busy compensating for it...too busy creating this masquerading self and coming to believe it was who I was that I never took the time to really look at what was beneath it. What was buried beneath this layer of knotted and tangled repressed and suppressed stuff  was why I was creating an image and putting on a show. I never spent much  time pondering  that.  I didn't want to go there. It was all about what I could do to keep this self comfy and people pleasing so I didn't have to deal with the mess.  Man, how sick is that?  

So what is your story? 

My samskara has a story, a reason for being, just as yours do and no matter how different or traumatic these individual stories may seem, they are all just stories.   The story too, if we are too attached to it,  can form a layer in the way of us experiencing who we really are. I am detaching from my story. I hope you can detach from yours.

So is this it then?  This is who you are: this exposed samskara?

No...this is just the beginning of experiencing "Who I am".  My samskara layer with all its fear and shame, its nasty and limiting core belief, the 'self' loathing is just another layer covering the core of who I am.  It has to come off too. I had to remove the layers on top of it to get this far. The cool thing is that once we are exposed at this level, there is not much this "me" has to do about it. All we need to do is be committed to getting to the core. The thorn bushes will do the rest. Feel and experience what has been repressed and suppressed and is now on the surface; feel and experience  what life unfolds in front of us...resist none of it...and keep the eyes on the prize: Freedom.  

The Core beneath the superficial

You are at the core, beneath all you have created. You are and have always been watching and observing the layers being built and the layers coming off.  So, relax, as Singer suggests and remind yourself often, despite the stories or the layers, "I am always going to be okay!" 

All is well. 

And when I peel away, I find my superficial layers run deep, and the deep layers are just superficial layers in disguise. And, when I seek depth, all I can find is a gapping hole, a certain hollowness, cleverly painted by my superficial selves to appear important. And, my ego sneers at this feeble attempt at self honesty. 

Srividya Srinivasan

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe (October 26, 2023) Self Realization Equals God Realization. https://tou.org/talks/

The Secret of Work

 What is karma yoga? The knowledge of the secret of work. We see that the whole universe is working. For what? For salvation, for liberty; from the atom to the highest being, working for the one end, liberty for the mind, for the body, for the spirit.

Vivekananda, Complete Works, Kindle, Loc 3456

All is well! 

Wu-Wei

Can you comprehend everything in the four directions and still do nothing? 

Tao Te Ching (Chapter 10) 

Wu-Wei is the process of doing nothing while noticing or comprehending everything. I was reminded of this as I listened to Michael Singer's podcast today.  He was talking about noticing  everything without the need to do anything about it. We need to get to the point where we can observe what is happening in us and around us without "little me's " idea of action, often based on reactivity, getting in the way  Of course, this doesn't mean that action does not take place. Action takes place naturally.

Say what crazy lady?

 I see it like this: 

You are peacefully observing all that is unfolding around you and in you (which takes practice) and suddenly you notice a fire breaking out on the stove in front of you.  You are noticing...yes. You are noticing the fire and very quickly you notice the experience within you( fight or flight activation). There are two ways to approach the noticing of this fire inside and outside. 

The first way, is the way many of us will approach it if we still have a very reactive "me" in the way.  You may jump up and down and run around screaming, "Fire! Fire! Fire!... what do I do?" And with an unclear and "me"- dominated mind, you may do something that will make the fire worse... like running away from it or attempting to stamp it out with your flammable dish towel  etc. You are noticing  and then you are "acting" but not doing so wisely or calmly.  Nothing gets done to stop the fire...it gets worse. Why? You are not in the Tao. the "me" is in the way

The second way is to take a quick mental and even physical step back when you notice the fire, take a breath of air to reconnect with the calm center within---the tao---then to just allow action to take place without the "little me" doing anything.  You  notice probably more in that moment, when your 'reactive me' is out of the picture, than you do in the previous example...and more appropriate action gets done.  You follow the Tao (go with the flow) to pick up the fire extinguisher that you suddenly notice so clearly beside the stove and you put the fire out.  You are still noticing the whole thing taking place within and without you, comprehending it clearly...and ..action takes place. You don't just sit there noticing  your house burn down. Something is getting done.  "Me", however,  is not the one doing, the one acting.  The Tao is.  The higher part of you is. "Me" is out of the way so you can flow with Tao.

I was inspired to go back to the 81 chapters of wisdom the Tao Te Ching provides on this effortless action or Wu-Wei.

So, the sage acts by doing nothing, teachers without speaking, attends all things without making claim on them, works for them without making them dependent, demands no honor for his deed. Because he demands no honor, he will never be dishonored.( Chapter 2)

The way is ever without action, yet nothing is left undone.( Chapter 37)

The highest virtue does nothing. Yet, nothing needs to be done. The lowest virtue does everything. Yet, much remains to be done. (Chapter 38) 

Act without action (Chapter 63)

So, the sage does not act and therefore does not fail...He wants all things to follow their own nature, but dares not act.(Chapter 64)

Notice  and comprehend everything in the four directions and realize that you, as a "me" , don't have to do anything about it.  Just flow with it.  When action is called for, it can take place naturally and non reactively, non desirelessly and non fearfully.  That is the way of the Tao. 

 Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( October 23, 2023) Just Noticing. https://tou.org/talks/

Tao Te Ching: The Taoism of Lao Tzu. https://www.taoistic.com/taoquotes/taoquotes-05-non-action.htm

 For everything there is a  season, and a time for everything under heaven...

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Karma and the Body

 Some of Sadhguru's Gems of Wisdom from Chapter 7 of Karma

• If you cultivate the body in a certain way, it will actually be capable of taking on more of a karmic load.  page 131
• ...stress is caused when people try to run their life engine without adequate lubrication...page 134
• The practice of hatha yoga helps to knead the physical body as well as the entire system(including the karmic system) in a way that smooths these frictions out.  page 134
• people's systems grow confused because the information within them says one thing, but their life events say another. page 134
• important to live in gratitude...to practice hatha and kriya yoga...can help us attain [and maintain]  an inner state that is untouched by the outside page 135
• Yoga places greater faith in the physical than it does in the mental page 140
• the aim is not to see something, but to simply see page 140
• When you consciously seek freedom from karma through a spiritual practice, you are essentially on fast forward. page 146
• The whole point of the spiritual process is to take on more of a load than your allotted one in order to finish off as much as possible.  page 146
• Only practice, or sadhana, helps break the cyclical movement of life. page 148

Our freedom exists in what we do physically, just as much as it does with what we do mentally and spiritually. Practice your Hatha, Pranayam, and Kriya as you make it your intention each day to be free of your karmic load as soon as possible..

All is well. 

Sadhguru (2021) Karma: A Yogi's Guide to Crafting Your Destiny. New York: Harmony Books. Chapter 7: Karma Yoga and the Physical Body. 

"Neti, Neti" or "Iti"

 

...It is a most difficult thing to give up the clinging to this universe; few ever attain to that. There are two ways to do that...One is called the "Neti. Neti" (not this, not this), the other is called the "Iti"(this)...The former way of obtaining non attachment is by reasoning, and the latter way is through work and experience. The first is the path of Jnana yoga, and is characterized by the refusal to do any work; the second is that of Karma-Yoga, in which there is no cessation from work. 

Vivekananda, Complete Works, Kindle Edition,  Location 3441-3447

All is well!

Neti! Neti! And the Four Possible Meanings For Life

One of the great cosmic laws, I think, is that whatever we hold in our thought will come true in our experience. When we hold something, anything, in our thought then somehow coincidence leads us in that direction that we have been wishing to lead ourselves.

Richard Bach

Neti! Neti!

Sixty years on the planet, 25 years studying yoga, and for some reason,  I have never heard the term Neti! Neti!  until the day before yesterday.(Or at least, I was not consciously aware of it.)  Ever since I came across the explanation of it by  Swami Vivekananda, I was tripping over it in my mind.  I even wrote about it yesterday and mentioned it in a video I  felt compelled to do. (I spelled it wrong in the video lol) . Anyway, it was so in my mind.  I was literally going around the house mentally repeating, "Neti! Neti-Not this! Not this! Then, today I am listening to Michael Singer's podcast and there it is.  

Of course, rational mind looks at this and says it is merely a coincidence but something else tells me there is some cosmic law at work, some kind of unseen connection there between what I write or speak about, and then what he shares. This happens so many times! I can not get over how everything lines up in my learning with him as a teacher. It is a little "woo-woo".

I don't, as I mention, follow anyone.  I make it a point to be  a willing student to any message or teaching that Life provides both in Jnana and in Karma ,if it resonates with the wise self within, and not to get lost as a follower or worshiper of  the messenger or the teacher. Singer's teachings came into my life in a very serendipitous way and they have resonated with me at the deepest level from the beginning. They are so in sync with where I am at in my learning day by day. I have no idea what this means ...but there seems to be some uncanny wavelength connection, if that makes any sense ...I think, write, share things before I hear him saying the same thing (rational mind is looking at this statement as if it and the writer of it are crazier than a bag of hammers lol). I can't explain it.  

Anyway, it is all good. 

The Four Meanings For Life 

Meaning One: Life is here to meet my desires and subdue my fears

The below podcast is speaking to the three meanings we can give to Life (but somehow I came up with four).  We can, as most of us do, make Life all about serving the ego, the psyche, the self concept,  or "little me"  by doing our best to ensure that it gets what it needs to feel comfortable inside and that it avoids what makes it uncomfortable.  The level of comfort and discomfort it experiences is based on what "out there" has the potential to disturb or stimulate  our stored stuff or our impressions from the past,  which are our samskaras. Getting what is desired, and avoiding what is feared, is the major Life objective. What we are doing in this  Life purpose, then,  is taking our amazing light of consciousness, who we  actually are, and shining it obsessively and narrowly on this "little me" with all its dramas.  We identify with what we are shining on and "forget" that we are "Not this! Not this!" ( Neti! Neti!)

Meaning Two: Letting go of the part of self that fears and desires

The second meaning we can give to Life, then, is one of letting go. We realize how conditional and unproductive our goals are in the first meaning.  We start to see how this "little me" we are focusing so narrowly on and identifying with is again "Neti! Neti!" It is not who we are and the things we are putting all our energy towards attracting or averting are so unimportant. We see how Life is not here to serve this me; who we really are is here to experience Life. We start using whatever Life gives us to help us  let go of the part of us that fears and desires, clings and pushes away, so we can do just that....Experience Life fully as the Experiencer and not the ego. 

Meaning Three : Opening up to Shakti

The more we let go of our resistance to Life as it is and our conditional expectations, the more we let go of our false self, and the more we let go of this self concept...the more  we let go of our desires and our fears. The  more we let go of those, the more samskaras will be released. With the natural release of samskaras the more open we will be to the natural flow of Shakti. This is the third meaning of Life: to Free the Shakti.

Meaning Four: Following the Shakti back to the source

The more freely the Shakti flows the more happy, peaceful, blissful and loving we will be.  This is where the forth meaning for Life comes in.  We will feel so good, we will want to find out where this amazing feeling is coming from.  We will trace the Shakti back to its Source.  We will from there realize we are a part of that Source, Singer tells us, and merge back into it, into Oneness, into Yoga. 

How cool is that?

All is well! 

Michael Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( October 20, 2023) Reaching for Life's Highest Meaning. https://tou.org/talks/

Karma Yoga and Dharma (Right Action)

This body and this mind which we see are only one part of the whole, only one spot of the infinite being.This whole universe is only one speck of the infinite being; and all our joys and our sorrows, our happiness's and our expectations, are only within this small universe; all our progressions and digression are within its small compass...You see at once that it is an impossible and childish desire to make the whole of infinite existence conform to the limited and conditioned existence which we know. Vivekananda 3418-3421

Why can't it be the way you want? It isn't supposed to be.  Life is supposed to be the way it is and the world is our perfect teacher . Michael Singer

I love it when pieces of my learning serendipitously come together to reinforce what I am rationalizing in my mind as a somewhat Jhana yogi.  Was reading Vivekananda last night and was getting blown away by the teachings and then I open up Michael Singer today to listen to Thursday's podcast that  echoes what I just learned from the book and I cannot help but think...wow! This learning is meant to be.  I and the world was really meant to hear this.  So cool! 

Both were speaking to the idea of what Karma yoga is, though Singer was focusing on the word dharma. Dharma in hinduism is considered to be the cosmic law governing right action and social order.  In Buddhism it is simply, "the  truth".  I see, though, how dharma and karma are intertwined...our intention for Life is intertwined with the actions we take and the effects of those actions. Vivekananda tells us that karma yoga is the knowledge of the secret of work.  the secret of "why we do what we do".  

Why do we do what we do? Both Vivekananda and Singer say in very clear ways that we do what we do to get free.  

Now, technically according to Yogic teachings there are two ways to get free.  There is Neti, Neti ("not this, not this" ) and Iti ( "this") . Vivekananda explains that Neti is basically Jnana yoga, which is about renouncing what is and using the conceptual  mind to rationalize one's way to freedom,   Iti, on the other hand, is Karma yoga, which  is all about accepting what is and using the world and everything it gives us as a way to free ourselves from these  chains that keep us stuck in bondage. Both agree that Karma Yoga is the way to go, over Jnana Yoga.  I might not give up my Jhana entirely...I am still using my intellectual mind to learn...but I definitely embrace the Karma yoga aspect more. I am, instead of comepnsating for my blockages and bondages, attempting to free myself of them through the process of purification.  We can use our karma to purify, by choosing actions that are not based on desire and fear. 

use of all the bondages themselves to break those very bondages. Vivekananda, Loc 3444

the great spiritual paths are not teaching renunciation, they are teaching purification. Singer

Both also address the need to give up our selfish perspective or at least be willing to expand beyond it.  Our narrowed perspective of the world, of the universe etc  are mind made and  are keeping us from freedom. Anything that is mind made cannot be free so we need to get beyond mind to the reality of what is.

It stands to reason then that there is only one way to attain to that freedom which is the goal of the noblest aspirations of mankind, and that is by giving up this little life, giving up this little universe, giving up this earth, giving up heaven, giving up the mind, giving up everything that is limited and conditioned...if we give up our attachment to this little universe of the senses or of the mind, we shall be free immediately." Vivekananda, Loc 3438

"I and mine" are of the mind and are in the way. Our fears and desires are of the mind and in the way.  This "me" with all its fears and desires is of the mind and in the way. Even our idea of the "universe" is of  the mind and in the way. 

"Each wave in the Chitta that says, "I and mine" immediately puts a chain around us and makes us slaves, the more slavery grows, the more misery increases. Vivekananda, Loc 3473

Singer tells us that as long as we have mental needs, we will continue to take from the world instead of serve it , which is the opposite of  a karma yoga focus. Our selfishness will keep us in bondage.  He reminds us that for freedom we need to stop working hard to get what we erroneously think we want and continue to work hard to get what we need.  We need to, instead, attempt to let go and give up the part that wants. This will free us.  He tells us we can prove it to ourselves by letting things go... and with each part of "me" we let go of,  we will  feel the rush of holy waters coming thru (Singer) and the peace that passes all understanding (Vivekananda) . 

Though it may look like Life is making it difficult for us, it isn't!  It is in fact supporting us and helping us get to our goal of Self realization and yoga.  It is offering us experiences that will help to scrape the remaining "me" off so we can be who we really are. 

"All this that you see, the pains and the miseries, are but the necessary conditions of this world; poverty and wealth and happiness are but momentary; they do not belong to our real nature at all. Our nature is far beyond misery and happiness, beyond every object of the senses, beyond the imagination; and yet we must go on working all the time. Loc, 3470

When we stop resisting and struggling against what Life gives us in the service of "me", and start using what Life gives us, working with it to scrape the me away, we will be free.  The process of getting there is karma yoga. 

Karma yoga makes us admit that this world is a world of five minutes, that it is something we have to pass through; and that freedom is not here.  It is only to be found beyond. Vivekananda, Loc. 3461

All is well. 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( October 20, 2023)The Deep Teachings of Right Action. https://tou.org/talks/

Vivekananda(1989-1999?) The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda. Kindle Edition. 1.2.7 Chapter 7: Freedom 

 

                                                         All is well!

Shining the Light on the Impersonal Nature of All of It.

 The nature of light is that it illumes where it falls, therefore it illumes the part it is looking at...

Michael A. Singer

 What are you shining this precious and powerful light of awareness on?  The world out there with all its impermanent and ever changing forms?  Probably, eh? In the midst of all that stuff you are shining awareness on, is likely to be a mirror, a convoluted one perhaps, where you see this image of yourself placed in the center of all that is happening  around it.  

Making it Personal

When we do that, we begin to see what is showing up in that small beam of light we  are focused on as personal. We personalize it and say that it is "My world", "my life",  and even "me". So in our ownership of  what this light just happens to have  fallen on, we create drama and story based on what should be and what shouldn't be showing up in that beam of light.  We fear what might pop up from the shadows behind it and stand on guard against it. We hope and pray that certain things might come into our view that will make it all okay for the image in the center. We cry out in agony when things within this focus change, as things are sure to do.  We reach out to cling to all that is pleasant as it threatens to dissolve or move out of the light.  We curse at that which steps in the way of us seeing our mirror image clearly.  We get all tangled up in this small beam of light and fail to see all that is outside that beam of light.  We fail to see the impersonal nature of it all. 

Not Personal

What if I told you that what you are focusing on is simply an accumulation of 13.8 billion years of cause and effect that has nothing to do with you?  That whatever gets caught in your beam will go  as quickly as it comes in to focus, as is the nature of things, and you cannot do a darn thing about it? What if I told you that what you are focusing on is not here to please you or to hurt this mirror image in the center of your light field? It doesn't care one iota about it? What if I told you that this image of you is not the main thing in  this scene you are looking at, in fact, it is really not important at all? What if I told you that it wasn't  even real, that it was just a visual illusion created by your light hitting glass? What if I told you that you didn't have to look where you are looking? What if I told you there was so much more to the world, to this light, to you than what you are looking at now with your narrow focus? What if I told you  that there was an infinite number of other things, and experiences hidden in the darkness beyond the patch you are illumining that you could be focusing on simply by moving your beam a little to the left or a little to the right?  Yes, you can control where the beam goes! What if I told you, you were that beam of light and not that which is illuminated?  That you were that which illumes. Not that  which the eye can see, but that by which the eye can see (Kena Upanishads)? 

Would you believe me, I wonder? Or would you just narrow your light focus into the scene and the image within it a little more intensely, convincing yourself, even more,  that it is all so personal?

The Light and not that which the light is shining on

Though, I still narrow my focus, allowing this precious light to fall on the selected field of insignificant again and again, I now know that I am not that which I am looking on but that which is doing the looking.  I am not that which is illumed, I am doing the illuminating.  I also know that, though it still feels so personal at times, there is nothing personal about this Life I am viewing. No matter what shows up in the beam  or mirror in front of me, I know it is just a reflection and not who I am. I know this world is doing what it has always been doing without any help from me.  It is vast and it is amazing!  We  get to experience it all!  We do not need to stay so narrowly focused on that which keeps us stuck. 

I am the light, as you are the light, that does the shining.Why then, do we want to keep our focus so narrowed on some idea of personal? Why don't we just open our hearts and widen our light beams so we can experience what we are truly here to experience....the impersonal nature of all of it. 

Hmm!  All is well in my world. 

Inspired by:

Michael A. Singer/ Sounds True () Every Moment has Nothing to Do with You. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_BlUKv5idk&t=363s

Stay on Track

Accept and honour the nature of all  of the things you run into on your way to your chosen goal.

Michael A. Singer ( paraphrased) 

The Question

Do you ever ask yourself this question: "What do you want to do/be with the remainder of your life here? What is your highest goal?"  If so, are you are staying on track to getting there?  

The Long Term Goal

I think I know what I want to do/be when I ask myself that question.  I believe I want to walk towards awakening.  I want to grow at the deepest level. I want to be the best person I can possibly be. I want to leave this place at least a tiny, itsy bit better because I was here.  I want to help in someway, without any real attachment to the fruits of my actions. And I think I am  focusing my precious energy in the right direction and that I am taking the " right" steps (following the eight fold path in my sadhana) to get there. I do. Yet, I still get pulled away into the drama all the time and find myself redirecting that energy onto new short term goals that come up, like , "How do I get out of this mess that I am in right now? How do I make this better so we can survive here?"  I, as a result, often find myself blocked, fighting with or overwhelmed by the obstacles in front of me that come up the form of "real life. "Hmm!

Don't Struggle With the Short Term Goals or the Obstacles

Singer reminds us that it takes much more energy to fight with what shows up in front of us, to see it as an obstacle or an interference than it does to simply allow it and move around it. I see that now.  

We have to remember when we set our life goal, our long term goal to stay on track.  Each long term goal is broken down into a series of short term goals...the steps that take us there. I think it is in the deciding what our short term goals should be where we may take our eyes off the prize and get a bit lost. We may make  getting the money, the job, education, or the relationship our short term focus and forget our long term goal in doing so.  We may be so caught up in our short term focus, our short term comfort, our short term discomfort that we may  fail to ask, "Is this helping me get to where I really want to be in the long run, or is it hindering me?"  

Obstacles in all shapes and sizes are sure to show up in front of us on our way to the life end we are seeking. We sometimes get so caught up in these obstacles, we  make getting rid of them our short term goal. We begin to direct our energies...our beams of light...onto them ...fighting them, struggling against them, attempting to move them, telling ourselves and others that the road blocks  are bad, wrong, shouldn't be. We not only lose focus on our ultimate goal when we do this but we waste valuable energy.  We exhaust ourselves. 

Let It Be and Keep Moving Forward

When these obstacles show up in front of us...say in the form of a financial deficit or a relationship issue or another adverse circumstance for example...we do not need to fight them.  We do not need to push them out of the way.  We do not need to fix them or change them, make them something other than what they are so our path is smoother.  We do not need to get all caught up in their drama. We just need to recognize them, accept them, honor them for having the  nature they do, and simply walk around them. If we constantly remind ourselves where we are going, we won't get tangled up in the real life obstacles that show up.  They won't even be considered hindrances or obstacles...just things that showed up on our journey home. 

Stay on Track

Being in this world but not of it, is a challenging frame of mind to maintain. It is my long term goal, if not always my short term goal, to keep that as my focus. I slip off the path often, center myself, remember where I am going and what I am looking for before I begin again.  But I always begin again...a bit more exhausted each time, maybe, but I begin again. When I reflect deeply, I see I am getting better at allowing these obstacles to be what they are, of respecting and honoring their nature.  I am getting better at  nodding politely and walking around them when they show up in front of me. I am learning. You are likely learning too. But... can we do better?   

I want to do better. Everytime I walk through a door, I will remind myself, like Michael Singer does, that my life time goal is to be free and to help others to be free. I will keep my eyes on that prize and make every short term goal I take on one that helps me get there, not one that hinders my effort. I will do my best to not get tangled up in the short term focus. I will work with each person or obstacle that I meet along the way. I will continue moving towards my destination, no matter what. 

Hmm! What about you? 

All is well

Michael a. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( October 16, 2023) Staying Committed to Your Higher Goals. https://tou.org/talks/

Relaxing and Calmly Studying the Psyche

So with all our feelings and action-our tears and our smiles, our joys and our griefs, our weeping and our laughter, our curses and our blessings, our praises and our blames-every one of these we may find, if we calmly study our own selves, to have been brought out from within ourselves by so many blows. The result is what we are. 

Vivekananda, Complete works, Location 2537

I have been reading the Complete Works of Vivekananda every night now for over a month and it is still only 5 % read lol.  There is a lot of noted wisdom to get through even though  the book was just recorded notes from his lectures and he only lectured for a short period of time before dying an untimely death (Oh, how can a death be untimely?...It happens when it happens.)  Anyway...it is very interesting and inspiring to read such wisdom. 

In the above quote, he is basically describing the psyche in regards to karma.  He is telling us that any disturbance experienced (positive or negative) is a result of what is being pulled up into our awareness from the inside  Our psyche is a collection of all these emotional energies and suppressed stuff.  It is the psyche, the personal self, the ego, the little me (however you wish to describe it)that is responsible for any disturbance we may experience, not the situation we are facing.  He stresses that we would know that if we could "calmly" (relax) and look within these minds of ours to see the mess they are creating in our lives.

Michael A. Singer, in the below podcast, teaches this as well. He tells us we need to observe our minds to discover that it is the source of all our problems, and not what Life is handing us to experience.  We are here on this planet for the short time we are on it, to experience all it is.  That would be a simple and enjoyable thing to do if our minds did not get in the way. Psyche gets in the way of the true experience.  It creates noisy static we can not hear through  and a dirty lens filter we can barely see through.  So busy is our amazing light of consciousness shining and focusing on psyches noisy mess, it doesn't shine on the Experiencer and the experience, it is here to experience.  Too many of us are stuck in our heads and the stress and fear it creates, and we do not live the full experience of Life.

It is not what is showing up in front of us; it is what the mind does with it. ...that creates most of our disturbance.  We got that, right? If you are feeling overwhelmed and anxious with your job...the employment circumstance you are in is only, at most, 5 % of the problem...95 % of the disturbance comes from  the personal mind, the psyche and what it is saying about it. So if the problem is not out there, either is the solution.  You could quit your job and go elsewhere but it is almost guaranteed that you would become disturbed again. Why? Because you are bringing your disturbed mind with you!

So what is the solution?

The solution is to "calmly study ourselves".  The solution is to look inward to ask, "Why am I so bothered by this?  Why am I anxious and afraid? What do I need to change "in" here?"  This is going to be a challenging set of questions to ask ourselves if we see the outside world as the source of all our frustrations and fears....but ask it we must.  The more we examine the mess in the mind, the more we see it as the source of our disturbance.

Relax! Stay Calm and Carry on! 

Of course, we need to be calm when we do this, to relax.  Singer calls relaxation the highest technique in dealing with suffering.  "Just relax and experience life", however, is not an easy suggestion for most of us to follow when our amygdala's are calling out their warnings and the sympathetic nervous system is screaming "Run or Fight! Do something!!!" We are so programmed and conditioned to listen to these minds and will want nothing more than to "do" something about the situation that we believe is upsetting us. It is then, more than ever, we need to do the opposite of that habitual tendency and relax. 

Not the Mess or the Stress 

Remember you are not the mess or the stress.  You are not the mind with all its dramatic reactions or even the body with its sometimes terrifying  physiological ones.  You are the One in there, here to experience all that Life is.  In order to reconnect to that Experiencer, we need to get beyond the mind.  We get beyond the mind by relaxing away from the stress, tension, fear the mind creates and into what is. 

Relaxation is a practice.

It is not the mess and the busy mind we are going to relax.  No, that will do what it does.  We are going to relax despite the mind.  We going to remember who we are beyond the mind and lean back into that. We start by learning how to relax which many of us do not know how to do.  Most of us don't even know how tense we are.  So we observe mind and body and then we relax into mind and body so we can get beyond mind and body.  There are valuable relaxation learning techniques out there that we can begin practicing in times of lower degree of stress.  Hatha yoga is amazing for that reason.  The more we practice Hatha yoga, the more we relax into the body and mind, as we see beyond it. It helps to prepare us for those times monkey mind takes over leading us into fear and stress reactions. Eventually it will help to decrease the amount of times, mind is able to take us away in this manner.  Meditation and mindfulness is also an amazing tool to help us "calmly study ourselves" and help us to tap into that peaceful center of who we are, helping us to access it easier even in times of great stress. Then there is pranayama or breath awareness, progressive muscle relaxation etc. There are so many  tools out there.  We can experiment until we find one that works best for us. 

Life is not meant to be a day to day struggle with fear and worry.  It is meant to be a fun, joyful and awe-some experience.  The only thing preventing it from being so is our attention on the mind and the world rather than on the Self within.  Let's do as Vivekananda suggests and learn to calmly study our own selves. Let's do the inner work necessary. We can start by  learning to relax at this very moment!

All is well. 

Vivekananda (n.d.) The complete Works of Swami Vivekananda: Volumes 1-9. Kindle Edition 

Michael A. Singer /Sounds True (Sept 13, 2023) Relaxing Behind Your Inner Disturbance. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYGBrG_fDoo&t=120s

Improv Actors on an Amazing Stage

 All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. 

Shakespeare's, As You Like It ( Act II, Scene VII)

We are all just actors in an improv drama.  We wear different costumes, take part in different scenes, meet up with different characters, face different adversities and win different victories...but it is all just a play.  Unlike the  masterpieces Shakespeare created, this play is improv, so we do not know what will happen next. That, if anything, should make this whole thing more exciting.  

Many of us, however, live in fear of  what might show up in the next scene, so, we may choke on our lines, pull back into the shadows and fail to live out our parts fully. We may be still reeling from the last scene and unable to participate fully in this one. Sometimes we are so bored or so fed up with the challenges of the scenes we are in, we do what we can to quickly get through them  in hope that the next scene will offer more. Maybe Prince Charming will arrive on his white horse to save us, or maybe the villain will be destroyed by someone.  When we spend our acting effort hoping and dreaming for something better in the next scene, we do not make the most of the scenes we are in. 

We also, throughout it all,  think, so mistakenly, that the whole play is written and scripted around us when we are only bit actors. It isn't about us at all...we just get to be a part of it. 

The costumes and make up, is overly important to us too.  We care more about creating an appearance than we do about the lines we are given, or the purpose of the part. We may see ourselves at the mercy of the critiques. How we appear to others and how they appear to us becomes of upmost importance.

 Most sadly, when we act out our parts we so often lose ourselves in these characters and forget that we are the actors beneath the costume and makeup, not the roles we are playing. We take it all too seriously and forget to enjoy Life.

If we could always remember that we are the actor, beneath the part, who was given this wonderful opportunity to take part in this amazing play on this incredible stage we call earth...we would simply  watch ourselves perform these roles, going through the pleasant things and the unpleasant things without being attached to any of it. We would enjoy it all, without getting lost in the drama. None of it would be bad and none of it would be good.  It would all just be an  incredible play we get to be a part of. 

Hmmm! That is what came to mind when I listened to the below podcast.

All is well. 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe (October 15, 2023) The Art of Handling Life. https://tou.org/talks/

FYI on Exposing Imperfections

 

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage are not always comfortable, but they are never weakness.

Brene Brown

Exposed in All My Imperfections 

Just wanted to let you know I made a deal with someone yesterday regarding my youtube videos...the answering of questions from the jar in a ten minute time frame...that I have been doing for well over a year now.  I have been intending to keep these videos very low key because they are so far from perfect it isn't funny . Well, this individual promised to help me with something I needed help with, if I made all these videos public.  Yikes! I agreed to do so and now I am chewing on my nails.  I keep reminding myself...it doesn't matter how I appear "out there"...it matters only what "I am" "in here". Maybe this exposure will help to scrape the  remains of egoic me away enough so the deeper me in all its truth  can shine through...or maybe it will just embarrass me to no end lol. Whatever will be will be. I will honor my part of the bargain. 

All is well. 

Are you "Okay"?

When a thing can no longer offend, it ceases to exist in the old way...3rd Zen patriarch

When people ask me if I am okay, I will often respond with, "Define okay." 

And they usually look at me as if I have two heads before answering.  Then they might say, "Is Life treating you good?  Are things working out? Are you getting by financially? Are the kids doing okay?  Is he, or your job, or this thing you have or are doing  making you happy?" 

When I say "No," they look at me again in a state of shock and disbelief.  

"Well, I don't understand.  You look good.  You look like you are doing okay." 

And I just nod my head, "I am!"  

I can almost hear the silent words in their heads as they look closer at me with wrinkled brow and hand on chin. What the fork? 

Say what crazy lady? 

"Okay," to most of us refers to a state of being able to avoid what we fear and being able to get what we want from the external world.  So in that way...I am far, far from okay lol. I seem to be having trouble getting what is needed for survival, let alone comfort.  I am facing almost every parenting, financial,  and social fear a person can have. My exterior world seems to be nothing but challenge.  It is as messy as my psyche. Well, that isn't true. Thanks to the challenging events that Life is handing me, my psyche is actually going through a forced clean up.  It is probably less messy now than my external world seems to be.  That is why I am more okay than I ever was, at least inside. 

The Learning

I have learned, you see, that this state of conditional okayness most of us operate with is not going to sustain me or anyone else. I have stopped spending all my energy attempting to run and hide from my fears, attempting to get what I could from the "out there" so I would feel somewhat more comfortable in here. I see, now after so many decades, how that doesn't work. It really doesn't. I don't want "okay" to come to me through escaping fear and  improved life situations. I want to go, instead, to where "okay" is regardless of what I have, who I am with and what I am doing.   So, I focus my attention inward now and put my energy towards a spiritual practice or sadhana. 

Success is Failure

In society's eyes it may seem that I failed on the "okayness" test. I have failed as a successful career person,  I have failed as a financially independent retiree.  I have failed health wise.  I have failed as a parent.  I have failed as a writer.  I have failed as a social being.  And I have, I suppose, according to that criteria for "okayness".  But Singer reminds us that "Success is actually failure!" So, according to him, I have been very successful because of these failures. :)

An Inner State

I have learned through all that has unfolded in front of me, partly due to uncontrollable forces and partly do to my choices, that true success is an inner state of okayness that is not disturbed by what is happening "out there".  True success is in realizing who we  truly are at the deeper level and being able to experience the world- absolutely all of it- from there. It is about living a higher life than conditioned mind tells us we can. Sitting in the Seat of the Soul allows for a higher life, while mind keeps us in a low life state.

\

if you spend your life avoiding your fears and trying to get what you want you are going to live a very low life

Experiencing Life in the Seat of Consciousness

When we can, instead of averting and grasping, simply experience life from the seat of consciousness as the mind does what it does, the heart does what it does and the world does what it does, and be "okay" with all of it, not needing it to be anything but what it is....then we succeeded in the real way.  We have done what we are here to do.  We can then remove this powerful and amazing light of consciousness from the "me" and all its fearful and desiring dramas and place it on what is really important. Our most important purpose here is to let go of the power our minds, hearts and the world have over our consciousness so we can shine it on what is real.  Singer tells us we can connect to ecstasy when we do that.  For now, I would be content with peace. 

Spirituality holds the secret to the mystery of Life and the meaning of Life.

As long as we choose the higher practice for the higher Life, we are  bound to be okay. and maybe even, much more than just okay.

All is well. 

Michael A. Singer/ Sounds True ( October, 2023) Experiencing Love and Joy Instead of Fear and Desire. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95HnLcWDpHA

Becoming the Experiencer of the Experience, the Knower of the Knowing

 ...We are better off becoming the experiencer of the experience, the knower of the knowing.

Michael A. Singer

I Know Nothing

This vehicle I drive around in, this "me" with its body, mind, socially defined roles and drama, was partially built on an image of a "knower".  I spent a great deal of my lifetime becoming a knower in order to redeem myself from a sense of inadequacy. I spent a lot of time "learning" and earning credits, certificates, diplomas and degrees to prove my "knowing" and my right to be called a "knower." I spent a lot of time teaching on a personal and professional level, enhancing myself in the public eye as a knower. I see now how I prided myself on this "image" (and that is all it ever was...a flimsy image) doing whatever I could to polish it and keep it shining, when in truth I never really knew very much at all about anything. I especially didn't know anything about what was really important. I never really experienced knowing. Wow! I see that now.

Flimsy Image

It wasn't until recently that I began to awaken enough to see how flimsy this image was/is. It wasn't until my image as a knower lost its clout "out there" that I  began to go deeper beyond it, to experience and know in a way I never did before. I then began to ask, "Who is experiencing this?"  "Who is the Experiencer of this experience, the Knower of this knowing?"  That is where I am now on my journey- seeking the Experiencer of the experience, and the Knower of the knowing. 

Why am I here?

I have come to see through my practice that the process of knowing and experiencing this life is not for the "little me",who can do neither, but for  the deeper, wiser "I" within. The "me" is often in the way for most of us, drawing the wonderful power of consciousness to it, so we cannot see anything else but it. Our focus on "me" with all its likes and dislikes, with its primary intention of preventing the samskaras from bothering us again, is like a big wall between conscious awareness and true knowing, between absent mindedly going through the motions of Life, and true experience. This wall hides the Experiencer and the Knower from our conscious awareness.

Truly, Deeply...

To truly know and to truly experience, we need to do so from the deepest parts of Who we are, where the Knower and the Experiencer exist.  In order to do that we need to get our consciousness through the wall of "me". This "me" prevents us from seeing all, from opening fully to the Life experience, and from full knowing. This wall is like a selectively permeable membrane letting only somethings in and some things out. This wall is programmed to resist reality when it is uncomfortable and to pull in reality when it is comfortable. Of course, this greatly limits our experience, limits our ability to truly know as the Experiencer and the Knower. 

I fear this is starting to sound like one of those, How much wood can a woodchuck chuck tongue twisters :)  I am just trying to reinforce that we have to see through the "me" to what is real. When we truly see, we will truly experience and know.

Resistance Stunts Our Growth

This wall of "me" is built on resistance to what is. When we resist any of  what unfolds in front of us, Singer reminds us, we do not experience Life as it is.  If we do not experience Life as it is, we do not grow and evolve like we are here to do. Resistance stunts our growth.

Dealing with Reality as the Knower and the Experiencer

Our growing  is not about what we think should be happening "out there" but what is really happening.  It is not about living in our heads on this superficial plane of existence but about going deeper and truly experiencing Life as it is happening. It is not about the images we create of self,  about impressing others with what we do or say we know, it is about seeing the flimsy unreality of that image and getting to truly know who we are .   It is not about resisting anything because it may be uncomfortable, but opening up to, allowing it in and honoring everything so we can truly know and experience Life as the Knower and the Experiencer of it.

Hmm! Well that is all I have to say. 

All is well!

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( October 12) Spirituality is the Ability to Handle Reality

Remembering the Center

 At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.

Lao Tzu 

Went to a wake last night. Though it was so nice to see those I loved, even under such circumstances, I was a bit awkward and overwhelmed. I watched as this person, I and others have spent this lifetime thinking I was, reacted and behaved as it maneuvered this social situation. . 

I see just how flimsy, rusty, banged up and outwardly imperfect this vessel of body and mind is when I am in a crowd of people...(many other vessels of all makes and models). What is left of my personality, this esteem, this collection of learned experiences or psyche, in those situations, is flapping around like loose bumpers and exhaust pipes making all kinds of noise.  I watch as this vessel says and does things with its unconscious need to protect itself from the uncomfortable feelings and thoughts inside. Why is there this insatiable need to protect and defend? Because in its ever changing, unquenchable and vulnerable nature it /"me" is afraid. It knows how close it is to blowing away with the wind. 

This vessel I drive around in, just as yours might have been, has been through a lot even before it came out of the factory.  It had a certain inherited brokenness  to it, simply because of the serial number it was assigned. It was meant to move a certain way with a specially programmed set of strengths and limitations. It was also assigned a particular map of  life situations to drive through that would prove a little more than uncomfortable. So,  over the years it travelled down many paths, some paths beyond its control, and others it made choices to travel on. It was forced over some  rough terrain and  it was graced with some smooth. But all along it was picking up dust and dirt ( karma), getting damaged, reacting to damage and then adding its own form of damage to the world.  It contended with the weather...with the poor driving of other vehicles...with all the bumps, potholes, and obstacles that made travelling so challenging. It collected a lot of dings and scratches and in its attempt to cover those scars up, to prevent further rust damage through exposure,  it hid itself under layers of heavy paint, duck tape, and other DIY repairs. It amateurishly stuffed so much of its reaction to life inside. This messy brokenness, that it stuffed just so it could keep going,  never had a chance to be expressed and released. It built up to the point it was always oozing out of the cracks of a self-created defense. It then got projected it everywhere.

I spent much of my life polishing and fixing up this vessel...thinking it was who I was...trying to get it to look a certain way, behave a certain way so it became  something that  stood out on occasion or at least blended in. The outward appearance and function of this vessel was so important to "me" because I thought it was important to others.  How it looked and performed in front of the determining eyes of others  was everything ...even more important than what experience the "I" within was having. To be honest, so caught up was I on the outer, I wasn't even aware of the "I" within.  

Many of those others I meet up with in crowds knew "me" by my paint jobs and outward repairs, not by the mess. Some  knew "me" only by the mess. Few, if any of them, knew me by the driver. Regardless, all outer layers are falling or peeling off now. I imagine I presently look like an old bomb ready for the scrap yard. I look around at these others in the crowd and see how  shiny and well kept up their exteriors are, while my vessel of mind and body, that I call "me" and others call "you" or  her,"  with all its history, all its memories, its trauma induced thoughts and feelings, its unsuccessful self-repairs, and its unfulfilled social expectations... is a mess.  This mess might be showing more than it ever did.  At least, I, who sits behind the wheel, am more aware of it than I ever was.  I am acutely aware of this messy vehicle  I parade awkwardly in front of others. I feel the mess as it sputters and chokes  and it isn't always pleasant.

 The thing is...I do not want to be ashamed of this mess.  I also do not want to continue redeeming myself by cleaning it up, looking for something out there that will make it run smoother or look shinier. I want to embrace this mess, appreciate it, honor it. I want to stop covering it up and hiding it away.   I want whatever was hidden beneath the self-repair to be exposed.  I want to shout out to the world, "This is me!" Why?  Because I see I am not the makeshift fixer uppers, I am not this mess, nor am I this thing I am driving around in.  I am not this "me," it is just something that I am temporarily in. Oh, this vessel serves a purpose.  It is needed so I can get around but it is not who I am.  It is just something I use and am greatly  responsible for creating. What I, or others, think of it is not really important in the long run.  What is important is the driver behind the wheel of this vehicle and the driver behind the wheel of all the other vehicles I encounter. 

When I look at this "me", this vehicle: this aging body, this psyche, personality, story, with all its hurts, fears, hopes, with all its roles and expectations, and with all its mess chugging along, I see I am getting more and more detached from it.  At the same time I appreciate it and honor it for getting me to where I am now.   I will do my best to look after it, but no more paint jobs and superficial cover ups are necessary. There is no more need for shame or redemption, just truth. I want whatever is oozing below the paint to come up, be exposed, so it can be released once and for all. 

This "me," I see so clearly now, is just a temporary thing I am driving around in.  It doesn't define who I am.  Everything it went through in the past, every role it succeeded at, every role it failed at, everything it looks like or  behaves like now is so unimportant in comparison to the the experience the driver is having behind the wheel in this very moment. I want to reconnect with the driver and feel the experience of living without the focus on this rusty old box of bolts in the way :) 

Man...I feel so much relief when I think like that. When I see this thought and feeling machine, this personality, this outward body appearance, as nothing more than the vehicle I am driving in and when I look back at all the circumstances and life events I encountered over the 60 years I was on this planet as simply the road that enfolded before me, I breathe a big sigh. I don't have to own any of it.  I don't have to "do" anything about it.  I don't have o fix it! It is all just as it is, something to take me from here to there, not something I am.  I recognize there is an "I amness" in every vehicle that drives by me or into me.  I still often slip away from the wheel and see myself as the vehicle, getting all tangled up in the mess of "me" and the mess of "others" ...but more and more I am becoming aware of the driver. There is no mess, no shame, no redemption, and so much peace in this driver's seat

Remembering and reconnecting to that center of being is everything!

All is well. . 

Karma Yoga and My Mission in Life

 

Karma yoga is not about being busy. It is not about being in constant doer mode. It is instead, about being involved in the kind of activity that frees you, about performing the kind of action that leads you to your own higher nature, toward your freedom.

Sadhguru, page 111

I just finished with my review and study of Chapter 6 of Sadhguru's book, Karma: A Yogi's Guide to Crafting Your Own Destiny.  I, ironically, do so at a time I find myself questioning what I should be doing to make a living and what I should be doing to serve, in a way that burns off,  rather than  accumulates, more karma.  I guess I am looking for my mission in Life...my karma yoga.

What woke me up, like a glass of cold water in the face, was this statement: 

People are always looking for their mission in life. What they never realize is that this is a way you build your karma! page 120

Yikes! I want to burn off karma not add more.

It is a little disheartening to think that my seeking to determine what it is I "should" do with the rest of my life, how I "should" best serve others, is actually adding karma to my overfilled karma collector, not helping to empty it. I spend so much time questioning "Am I  wasting my time here in my practice, studying what I study, writing what I write, sharing and speaking...when there is no fruit I can see growing from my actions?  Should I do more "out there" to serve the community while I make an income?"

The Outside Job

 I took on this little side job supplying thinking that it would do just that but when I do it, it takes  me away from this thing that I do here everyday, my sadhana, this committed and involved action that offers no obvious benefits. A day of work outside  tires me out so much I cannot practice yoga for days after. And it leads me back to old ego ways of living I thought I left behind. I get caught up in the busy doing. I move faster.  I talk faster (and that says a lot becasue I talk fast!)I am more anxious and reactive.   

I find myself debating whether or not that is a good thing or a bad thing in terms of karma yoga? 

The "out there" job has  many benefits...many fruit.  It keeps me busy, it keeps me productive in the socially approved way.  It feeds my ego a bit by feeding the self-image in me that is associated with classrooms and education. It gives me a much needed income, as well. I receive much  more positive opinion from others for taking on this role, than I do for taking on the role of a yogi.  Let me tell ya!  Much more! I am also much more likely to receive a thumbs up from society for this than I would get for committing full time to my practice, inside.  And a big part of me still craves a bit of social recognition and redemption for the  fall I took from social graces a few years back when I got ill and decided to leave the workforce, leading to a lack of socially expected productivity. Part of me wants to "make up for that". (Obviously, that part is my ego!) And I like action.  I like activity. So this action bears a lot of obvious fruit. I am not sure, though, if the fruit I am picking is healthy for the deeper part of me. 

Healthy Fruit? 

Karma yoga reminds us that action is never a problem. It is the expectation of the fruit of the action that causes the suffering. If you simply enjoy what you do and work at it wholeheartedly, there is no question  of suffering at all. page 122

What I am doing is not a problem. The reasons why I am doing it might be. I mean I give 100 % when I am there and though I do not love it, I do enjoy it. I approach the work whole bodily...if not wholeheartedly. I think, however, that I may be in it more for the fruit than for the joy of performing this action.

If all those benefits were not there, would we still work with the same intensity and involvement? page 121

No...I probably wouldn't. 

Duty?

I feel this sense of social pressure, of duty to be out there earning an income and doing what is socially expected of me. My ego longs to redeem itself in that way. That is partly the volition behind this action,

....there should be no such thing as duty in the world

Serving? 

Am I serving in a meaningful way? Not really.  When I applied for this role last year, there was an obvious need out there.  That need has diminished greatly. The opportunities are quite limited right now. Even when I take a call, I know there are many others out there who are competing for the same spot I may take and some who are even contesting my being there because they feel that I, and others like me, are taking the work from those who deserve it more. I am not needed. Besides: 

Mere service is not karma yoga. Karma yoga has nothing to do with what type of action you perform, but rather how you do it. page 111

How You Do It

How am I doing it?  I think ego is in charge when I am out there and I am not so happy about that.  It is ego and concern about other opinion that runs the show. I keep trying to come through ego and I often succeed but I keep slipping back into ego ways. I am personally involved when I do not want it to be about "me."

Personally Involved?

When Sadhguru gets asked about what his mission in life is he responds with "Nothing. I am just fooling around,"  meaning that he is not personally involved in or attached to any of his actions.  He is actively and whole heartedly involved in what he does but not to the fruits of his actions. It is not so much what he does, but how he does it. I would love to approach everything I do in life in that way. 

Completely Aware? 

I am not aware enough. I am worried about the awareness part...it is so hard to keep everyone I am standing in front of in my head, to get their names straight, let alone be responsible for them.  My awareness has to spread out and it leaves me uncomfortable. I am unable to maintain the  certain presence and awareness that I am comfortable with. 

Abandoning? 

You are willing to just give up everything that you consider to be yourself page, 118

As far as abandonment...I would love nothing more than to leave "me" behind...to abandon it completely but I don't in this role.  It seems to be a role for "me" rather than a role for abandoning "me". 

Desisting?

I don't love this job and for so long I was telling myself that was a good thing. That this little job may help to scrape the rest of "me" off but when I read the below line  I start to think I should not be doing this?

If you have love for something, you do it; if you have no love, it is simply better to desist from action. 113

Wow!  I don't know. It looks like Life might be taking care of this one for me.  There are less calls now that others are contesting, I haven't a vehicle...need to depend on getting on at school close to where D. is going which is not always possible , and I am not sure if my body can keep up with the pace. Hmm!

Now the action will happen by itself; it will also dissolve and melt away by itself.  You do not have to stop working to be liberated from action; it will happen anyway.

The Inside Job

What about this inside job I have been committed to everyday as part of my practice. Does it classify as karma yoga?

If you perform action joyfully and effortlessly, it is karma yoga.  111

Joyfully and Effortlessly? 

 Today, alone, I spent more time studying, learning, assimilating, and writing on this topic than I would have spent on the outside job.  And I gave it a 100 percent of wholehearted effort.  I was joyfully and  completely immersed.  I am always completely immersed in this learning and the teaching comes as an afterthought. It feels so effortless. 

Serving? 

 I am not sure what type of service I am providing.  "I" think taking part in a practice of waking up is the most important thing we can do as human beings...but not many others may  feel that way.  Not many others notice or value what I am trying to do here.  I just want to share what waking up feels like so others can do the same. I see it as a very important service even if others don't. 

Sacrificing? 

Giving up something for something else is commerce; giving up something for nothing is sacrifice. 126

I am not giving up my time for something else...there is no pay here like there is in the other job.  No money is making its way to me.  And though I am aware of the : no work, no food axiom Sadhguru shares in his book, I want to believe this, what I do here is a karma- freeing sacrifice...one that will help dispel karma, though that is not why I do it. 

Attached to Outcome, to Fruits of Action?

Obviously not.  There is no pay, little to no recognition. There is no obvious fruit emerging from these branches. Yet, I still do it.  It is still the most important part of my day. 

As a yagna your very life process is an offering...when your life becomes a yagna, thousands of people can reap its benefits. page 127

Natural?

Only if there is a natural sense of offering can karma be elevating for the doer page 114

This learning, writing, sharing, teaching seems like the most natural offering I could give to anyone even if there are no external reward for me.  My reward is all intrinsic...following my natural compulsion. 

Aware?

I am completely aware and present asI do this here.  In fact, presence and awareness is what I  m studying and writing about. lol

Abandonment?

My whole practice is a committed intention to leave myself behind so yeah I am abandoning while I am here.

After this reflection I think it is pretty obvious which action is one of  karma yoga, which one frees me and honors my higher nature.  It is not that I have to give the other up.  Like I said Life seems to be taking care of that all by itself. I just need to continue to prioritizing my sadhana and do my best to bring the energy of what I do here into all other actions.

Karma has to be worked out, but engaging with action with great involvement and intensity, without caring a hoot for it, is the most effective way to work your karma out. page 126

All is well.

Sadhguru ( 2021) Karma: A yogi's Guide to Crafting Your Destiny. New York: Harmony Books