Work and Attitude

A wise person gets to the point where they understand that every single thing in creation has something to give, it has a contribution …the stars, the earthworms, every cell within your body…all of these things contribute to make the whole. You are part of that so you have a job to do. That job we call your dharma, your work.  You don’t have to look for it.  It is right in front of you.  Whatever it is that is being asked of you, that is being put before you, is your work.

·     So the whole attitude about work needs to go through a reset.

Michael Singer

Morning sunlight shining in on me through the kitchen window...how does it get any better than that? 

This path I am on to understanding the mind and that which lies beyond the mind is such an adventure. The realizations are so amazing...flooring me really.  I just cannot seem to get enough. And then there are these teachers that show up in your life and present these teachings ( all basically the same core teaching expressed in a myriad of ways) and it is like Wow! Hearing that wisdom, a wisdom that is already within you, echoed from the voice of someone else just has an amazing effect.  The heart opens to the simple truth of who we are.

I am having such an experience as I read Michael Singer's, living untethered, as I have it whenever I hear him lecture or speak. There is a deep resonance of knowing within me that he taps into and I am stunned by his ability to pull up that inner knowing to my conscious awareness. Sometimes it is like a twisting pinch from a big brother, "Wake up! You have to see what you are doing!"  And other times it is like a warm hug of encouragement reminding me that "You can do this!  You got this! It is so simple! You just got to want it!  You just have to open your eyes and try!" 

He doesn't "own" the stuff he teaches.  It comes from wisdom traditions centuries of years old which in turn come from inner exploration of the  truth of who we are from many wise masters who dived within.  It is a universal wisdom he shares, a universal wisdom that lies within each and everyone of us...right there waiting for us to tap into it. He has a way of pointing us in that direction and making us see how "simple" the whole process of waking up could actually be. 

Anyway, yesterday morning I was interviewed for being put on a casual list for part time work. I was successful. It was an experience full of a variety of emotions. And though the prospect  of doing what I love to do again, of having a purpose, some meaning, of the adventure of it, of change,...of actually having an income that might stop me from worrying about getting by,  was wonderful and exciting. ..I was also a bit anxious, "Can I physically do this? What if the symptoms all come back when I am out there and I have to go through all that again? Will the pain I am having now interfere with my ability?  And what if I am not equipped to do this, skill-set and experience wise? What if work outside the home interferes with my inner work, which is the most important part of my life right now? OMG!  What am I doing?" 

Immediately after the interview, a video popped up...and like it literally just popped up out of nowhere...entitled, Finding Fulfillment at Work. I listened and I cried.  And then I listened again, taking notes and absorbing every word, savoring the learning. 

Here I was seeking employment for very "normal" human reasons. For money, for meaning, for a sense of purpose, for adventure, for distraction from the craziness of 'my life', and to prove myself to society by saying, "I do contribute!"  I was looking for a job to serve me...asking what can "i" get out of it.  This is perfectly normal.  We as humans, look to the outside world to gather and collect that which will make us feel better inside and to push away that which will make us feel worse inside. Through applying for this job, part of me was grasping for some type of change that would make things better for "me" inside and at the same time was attempting to  push away those things that I told myself were making me feel bad: the lack of income, the struggle, the boredom, the stuckness, and this sense of not 'doing' enough. So though that approach is very human and  normal...I am truly seeing that it might not be the way to approach work.

If we truly want to wake up and feel fulfilled...we need to change our attitude about work. Work is a place where we serve, where we can open up and express the beauty of what is inside us.  It isn't meant to serve the ego...it is meant to serve the soul.  We do not want to  use work or the absence of to "fix" us.  We fix ourselves while we work. 

·         Work is a place you go to get rid of your problem, not to solve it. So you start to understand, I need to get rid of me.  I don’t need to get things for me.  I am causing myself a problem.....        If you are a wise being you are not trying to get for yourself, you are trying to get rid of yourself.  You are trying to let go of tis lower aspect of yourself, your personal being that thinks the whole world is about you when it isn’t.

We do not want to go to work to get something, we go to work to give and  get rid of something in the process and that something is the sense of me-meness we cling to.   Sure we express ourselves through our work and that is fulfilling, but the part of us we express when we do that  is not the ego...it is the giving and loving soul.  

You go to work for the same reason an artist paints in the woods in her spare time when no one will ever see the painting..... "I have something in me that wants to express itself and work is the manifestation of that expression." And someday you are going to find out that it doesn’t make any difference what you are doing. It is the expression and the act of doing it that brings about joy, that brings about fulfillment. Work is not a place that you go to get something so you can be fulfilled. Work is a place that you go that in sharing and giving you achieve a state of fulfillment.

All is well

Michael Singer & Finding Fulfillment at work https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONOc19yM5wY

Clean Up Your Own Mess!

 If it is disturbed inside then events that unfold outside and come in to you  are going to stir up the disturbance. That is most people's entire life: trying to figure out what they need or want outside and what they don't want and don't need outside and then trying  to figure out how to make it be that way. And we end up going to war with reality. Fighting with the outside so you can live with yourself inside.  

There is an alternative Life...it is so simple it is ridiculous...and very , very few people actually walk it....which is, "I live in here.  I should straighten it up....I should fix what is wrong inside of me. " 

Michael Singer

Do you want to be one of the few that walk the path of the alternative life Michael Singer speaks of in his podcast, Taking care of the inner environment? Or do you want to continue fighting with the outside world, grasping, clinging, pushing away, running from and stuffing down? Let's face it, what most of us are doing now to get by, is not working.  We are not happy and peaceful- we are anxious, depressed, stressed more than it is intended we be. 

We live inside these bodies and minds and it is up to us to keep our insides clean.

It got really messy recently, inside of my head.  I was stressed and blaming other people and life for my "inside disturbance". I was so busy asking, "What do I have to change  'out there', what do I have to fix, gain, throw away, 'out there' to make me feel better 'in here?, that I never took any responsibility for cleaning up the mess in me. And I couldn't fix, or clean, or get people to change the way I thought they needed to in order for me to feel better inside. I tried but it was fruitless and exhausting.  So my stress level just increased and increased and increased. I was about to make major life changes, hurt others, in  a desperate hope that it would make me feel good inside. All the while, the wise part of my mind that was developing from years of practice, was saying..."that is not going to make you feel better...you feel good inside and it won't matter what is happening around you on the outside.  Remember...Life is an internal game! Clean up your own mess!" 

My useless outside projection screeched to a stop...and I found myself, "Wow!  I got a lot of work to do...but I want to make cleaning out my insides my priority."

So I am back at it.

All is well.

Michael Singer/Sounds True ( April 23, 2022) Michael Singer Podcast: Taking Care of Your Inner Environment. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teP3TS9fHNk

Convenient Fiction & Mental Health

 

No concept can be had in the absence of awareness.

Deepak Chopra

Going to hook you up with an interesting video from Deepak Chopra, see below.  You may find tis interesting if you are stepping beyond the realms of materialistic science and approaching the Quantum mechanics field of physics.  Or you just might find it interesting if you are some "weird" person like me who sees things differently than most do. 

Here are some cool ideas taken from it:

• Some wisdom traditions tell us , "The universe is one big dream of infinite awareness." 
• The body is one of many "convenient fictions". It is a modified perception  happening in awareness. It looks so solid and substantial but it is as void as inter galactical space.
• Nothing modifies itself as everything 
• The universe is made of nothing yet it appears as everything we can see
• no concept can be had in the absence of awareness
• Surrendering to the mystery [of existence] is the solution to the mystery.
• When we surrender to that mystery, we surrender to our divine Self
• Without the awareness of existence , there would be no existence

Have a listen for yourself.

All is well 

Deepak Chopra ( November, 2022)  What does it mean to awaken? Oops...I can't find it.  Will include link when I do.

Also came across this cool little video from Deepak Chopra as well on my search to recover the above link. Understanding Mental Health-Ten Steps to Joy. 

Here are the ten steps provided:

1. Rather than just being optimistic, be  enthusiastic about being a part of this Life 
2. Find your spiritual and bodily dharma/meaning and purpose which will lead to a higher calling
3. Use SMART goals
4. Socially engage, laugh, find humour in Life
5. Breathe! ( Nasal breath is best)
6. Soak up the morning sunlight
7. Plant based nutrition
8. Read for pleasure
9. Awaken the mind
10. Participate in Love in Action= Karma Yoga...Serve!

All is well

Deepak Chopra (November 2, 2022) Understanding Mental Health-Ten Steps to Joy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61dB9HfVuuA

The "Just-ness" of Life

 The moment in front of you is the result of all the  natural forces that caused it to be what it is. The preference system in your mind is the result of past experiences that you couldn't handle.  These are two totally different sets of forces that have nothing to do with each other. For example, there are current impersonal forces causing it to rain. There are past personal preferences in you to not like the rain.  You just pitted yourself against the universe, and you are going to lose. (page 75)

Michael Singer

"Just Tree"

There is a concept in Zen Buddhism called "just tree" and that concept basically explains how a tree, how all of nature, how all of life is not personal to us.  It just is as it is.  When we put away our narratives, our names, labels, judgements and interpretations about the tree ( about any life event or phenomena), when we can look at the tree without that distorted filter  we will experience the justness of the tree. 

That is hard for most of us to do.  We are so attached to and lost in the constant movement of our personal minds. We look out at the tree, out at Life through that filtered lens.    We don't experience the tree as it is. We don't experience Life as it is. 

Living in the Head and Not in the Moment

Are you living in your body and in the world as it is right now or are you living in your head? Do you actually feel, see, hear, taste, touch and smell what is around you or are you just too busy listening to a roving reporter in your mind giving you a play by play? Are you actually experiencing Life as it is right here or now or are you lost in an interpretation of it? When you look at a tree...do you experience the tree with awe and wonder....or are you too busy naming, labelling, explaining and connecting it to something from your past, leading to a certain "judgement" of the tree,  a certain perception of the tree as "good, bad, or neutral" to actually experience anything but mind stuff? Can you experience  the tree with your senses  as "just tree"? Can you observe and experience Life as "Just Life"? Or are you like the majority of us, spending most of your daily life in your head? 

I woke up this morning and I observed my mind as it ran after one thought, then the other.  I got lost in those thoughts,  as if they were "life" and not just an interpretation of it.  Thoughts built quickly into story, story into mental movies and before I knew it I was swept away from my morning moments  so quickly by the habitual pattern of my mind.  I forgot where I actually was and the "just-ness" of life. Then awareness would emerge and I would catch myself, say, "Oh...lost in thought again" and I would gently bring myself back to the early morning, the sound of the dogs breathing beside me, the dim and foggy light coming through my window, the feel of the bed beneath me  and my breath.  

Determined to do better, I would then correct my mind like I would an untrained dog that runs after everything in sight. "Stay!!!" I would command. Once again, I would commit myself  to staying  with "just this!" 

But the dog would get off the leash again and again and run off after mind's interpretation of every sense perception, after memory triggered by each sense perception, after the interpretation and judgment of it....after the emotion pulled up by such chasing and digging.   I would fall back into the past or jump into the future and be as scattered as the squirrels my dogs run after in real life. There was little "just" about most of my experience this morning...too much of it was wrapped in mind stuff rather  that "just" being what it was. Though I did bring myself back again and again I really had an opportunity to observe how this tendency to go off is still so much in me, even after all my practice.  I have more work to do to get myself to the point where I "just" experience what is as it is without getting lost in thought. What about you?     

Ironically, the video I opened up to this morning was Eckhart Tolle's, The Deepest Spiritual Practice. In this video he reminds us that what is in our heads is not Life...it is simply an interpretation of it.  To live life fully we need to experience it without the narrative. We need to get beyond the narrative in your mind that you confuse with who you are. 

Misusing the Brilliant Mind

We are reminded by Tolle and Michael Singer  that the human mind is an amazing and brilliant instrument.  It can help us to do great things but most of us use it for mixed up personal reasons.  We use it to "escape" from the reality of our moments...from the pain of the past that lingers in tangled knots within us always threatening to come up with every bump or knock we get from life  and in some foolish attempt to make the future what we think it should be. Looking at a tree, then, is not a simple act of experiencing the tree just as it is. Instead we surround it with mind stuff, names, labels and interpretations about whether or not it reminds us of good or bad things. Does it trigger past pain... fear or doubt?  Or does it offer future hope? We experience an interpretation of the tree, rather than the reality of the tree.

Personal Interpretation of the Impersonal

The interpretation is very personal and unique to us.  You may look at the tree I look at and come up with a whole different story than I will.  You may love the tree because it reminds you of something wonderful and gives you hope for the future.  I may look at the tree and hate it because it reminds me of something painful and triggers a certain  fear in me for the future. You may describe the tree with a whole host of adjectives and descriptors that are lovely and positive like, "Beautiful. majestic, comforting, amazing, life giving, a testament to nature's bounty."  I may look at the tree as "eerie, ugly, in the way, dangerous," etc Now someone who has had no memory or triggering from the tree, but who is so wrapped up in the need to reduce all things to their material form,  may come up to the tree and simply label it as a certain species of Oak and proceed to describe in great detail the origin of such trees without any emotional connection to it. The tree gets judged as pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. But what all three of us are doing is taking the "justness" of the tree away from the tree.  We are personalizing it with our own labeling, judgements,  interpretations and narratives.  We are not truly experiencing the tree as it is. 

We do that with Life. 

The personal mind has taken over your entire life. You are no longer free to enjoy the experiences that are actually happening-you are forced to deal with what your mind says is happening. (page 70)

Michael Singer 

So most of us are going through this precious gift of Life we were given, in our heads rather than experiencing the beauty of it all just as it is in each moment. The mind itself is brilliant and we could do great things with it but when we personalize it as we do, Tolle reminds us,  we carry a burden of unconscious thinking, ...a burden of the unhappy narrative. We can easily get lost in that and in so doing fail to appreciate and be in awe of the "justness" of Life. 

Just bring yourself back to this moment as often  as you can and settle into the "justness of what is"....again and again and again.  Eventually, we will be able to train our minds to "Stay!" and to enjoy this wonderful gift we have been given.

All is well. 

Michael Singer ( 2022) Living Untethered. Oakland: New Harbinger/Sounds True

Eckhart Tolle ( October, 2022) The Deepest Spiritual Practice. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DLlmpg3D0U

Problems?

 

You gain nothing by being bothered by life's events. It doesn't change the world...you just suffer. There is always going to be something that can bother you, if you let it. When a problem is disturbing you, don't ask, "What should I do about it?" Ask, "What part of me is being disturbed by this?" 

Michael Singer

How do we stop suffering?  

That is the ultimate question. What actually seems so very complicated ( as in the entry previously) is actually so very simple.  It is so simple most of us dismiss it as not being complicated enough.  We figure the answer to those so called problems that we see as so very complicated, clinging to the reality of  them and protecting our wrong view about them  with all our might as we figure out ways to fix them, must be as complex and difficult as the problems we created. 

I remember after reading Untethered Soul years ago I had this "Aha Moment!" of "Man it is so easy and it makes so much sense!" I was floored by the teaching  and for months I was embracing the simplicity of simply  "not letting the heart close!"  My approach to Life was simple. There was less suffering.

And then somewhere, after that, I got pulled in by the distraction of external phenomena again, lost in a very complicated mental movie the ego-mind created. I asked the question..."What should I do to fix this?" I found myself closing my heart. And then there was suffering. 

Upon reading, Living Untethered , I am reminded of the simplicity of the solution to all of humanity's suffering..."Don't close the heart! Allow it all in and allow it all out! " 

So many teachers embrace this simple teaching...so many and I gravitate toward their many expressions of it..."Don't resist anything Life offers!" "It isn't personal!" "This idea of you as a 'little me' is just a delusion!" "Feel the feelings! " "Suppression and repression of emotion leads to tangly knots within us called samskaras...that block the flow of Love energy! " "Watch your mind! observe how much of your life you are spending trapped in the unreal stuff in your head and how much you are missing that is real!" "Be here and now!" "Don't believe all the mind tells you!" "See Self beyond the self, spacious mind beyond the busy mind!" ."Just wake up!!"

Hmm! Though the teachings in the above  Buddhist text seem so complicated...the  truth they are pointing to is so simple.  It is all about the need to wake up...away from the erroneous way we are looking at our problems, our "self"  and our living experiences.  It is all about sitting with what is without clinging to any of it or pushing any of it away.  It is all about not closing the heart!!  

All is well!

There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing you are not the voice of the mind-you are the one that hears it. 

Michael Singer

Enlightenment: The Solution For Suffering

 How needing of compassion are suffering sentient beings, right here, who are driven on through cyclic existence by delusion and confusion-because they do not understand that their own mind is the Buddha-body of Reality, free from extremes! May they all actualize the Buddha-body of Reality....

How needing of compassion are mistakenly  prejudiced  sentient beings, right here, who are driven on through cyclic existence by attachment and craving-because they do not understand that their own awareness is the Buddha-body of  Perfect Resource, imbued with supreme bliss! May they all actualize the Buddha -body of Perfect Resource!

How needing of compassion are sentient beings with discordant views, right here, who are driven on through cyclic existence by aversion and dualistic perception- because they do not understand that their own mind  is the Buddha-body of Emanation, arising and subsiding[naturally]! May they all actualize the Buddha-Body of Emanation

How needing of compassion are all unenlightened human beings, right here, who as a result of grasping, are obscured by dissonant mental states and [subtle obstructions to]knowledge-because they do not understand[that their own mind] is indivisible from the three Buddha bodies! May they all actualize the three Buddha-bodies! 

Tibetan Book of the Dead, page 27-28

That above prayer has great meaning in it for all of humanity, even if one does not ascribe to Buddhist teachings. Let's break it down so as lay people, "common householders," we can understand it. 

• The buddha body refers to...."the varying dimensions in which the embodiment of fully enlightened attributes are present" (page 450).  In other words, the buddha-bodies refer to ways enlightenment is present and expressed. 
• "The Buddha-body of  Reality is the ultimate nature of essence of the enlightened mind, which is uncreated, free from the limits of conceptual elaboration, empty of inherent existence, naturally radiant, beyond duality and spacious like the sky." (page 452) This buddha-body represents the pure and empty mind, the spacious blue sky of consciousness upon which concepts, thoughts etc are created and placed. It is that which lay beneath the thinking, unclouded and pure.
• "The Buddha-body of Perfect Resource  refers to the luminous, immaterial, and unimpeded reflection-like forms of the pure energy of enlightened mind...at the point which the duality between subject and object disappear. "( page 451).  I see the Buddha-body of Perfect Resources as the highest level of enlightenment where we realize the Oneness of everything.
• "The Buddha body of  Emanation is the visible and usually physical manifestations of fully enlightened beings." (451). These are the fully enlightened beings who walked the earth...like the Buddha and Christ. 
• Duality, of course, is this tendency we have to bounce between the perceptual and cognitive extremes of "good and bad, right and wrong, black and white, desirable and undesirable " etc
• Cyclic existence is a Buddhist expression reflecting the nature of rebirth but it also includes all the changes, dying and being reborn, we do in this life time as well .

So what is this all saying crazy lady? 

It is simply a prayer, a wish that all sentient beings be freed from suffering by realizing  their capability to be enlightened, to realize who they truly are beneath the delusions, the extremes in thinking and feeling, the craving and attachment to worldly things that will never sustain , the lack of awareness of how pure and blissful  the mind actually is beneath all  mental formations, the aversion and the dualistic perceptions. Compassion is called for ...for all who suffer because they have yet to realize the truth.  It is a wish that all sentient beings will see that all three buddha-bodies...possibility for enlightenment... lay within them so that they  actualize that enlightenment.

Enlightenment is the only true solution for suffering. 

Thinking of that prayer and the poem I added to yesterday's entry, I realize that I am looking for wholeness in the "whole -mess". Not only do I have, like all human beings do, 'my own' sense of "suffering" to transcend or at least accept, 'my own' traumatic wounds to heal and 'my own' broken bits to somehow put together or transform, I am surrounded by the "suffering" of others that I so want to "do" something about. I feel very strongly the suffering of others and want to relieve the weight of that suffering for their sake as much as I do for 'my own'.  I know I can't  'fix' people and their problems...I can't even fix myself through any particular 'action'. ..so what part do I play in relieving suffering in this world?  And the only thing that comes to me, as an answer, is, "Wake up! Wake up to the truth...be present, here and now...and the rest will take care of itself!" 

That is why spiritual practice is so important to me, that is why I 'seek' the wisdom from great teachers and ancient texts, that is why I meditate and write what I write here.  I am hoping to do 'my small part' to transform 'suffering' in myself, in those I love and in the world. 

Does that make me crazy? Possibly...but here I am anyway. ..learning, healing, loving, sharing. For whatever it is worth.

All is well in my world

Tibetan Book of the Dead: First Complete Translation ( 2005) Penguin: London, England

Illuminate the Sore Places

 if abandonment is the core wound

the disconnection from our mother
the loss of wholeness
then the most potent medicine
is this ancient commitment
to never abandon yourself
to discover wholeness in the whole-mess
to be a loving mother to your insides
to hold the broken bits
in open awareness
to illuminate the sore places
with the light
of love

Jeff foster

Many of us have  some core beliefs operating within us that are less than life enhancing and many of those beliefs lead to a chronic cycle of suffering in our lives.  

"I am not worthy!" 

"Bad things are bound to happen to me!"

"I will never be loved!"

"I will never succeed cuz I don't have what it takes!" 

"Once they find out who I really am they will reject me." 

Half the time, we are not even aware that those beliefs are within us. We blame Life, circumstance and others  for constantly giving us a hard time and react  to life events as if the external world is responsible for making things difficult. We are unable or unwilling to see that what we are actually reacting to is a triggering or a poking at one of these  painful beliefs we have stuffed way down inside us, often  from childhood wounding. And many of us will,  like we do when we find our hands suddenly touching a flame, pull back from the pain these beliefs create in us. 

We don't like pain. We are physiologically programed to avoid it and to protect ourselves from it.  Thanks Amygdala! So we stuff the belief way down, often forgetting that it is even there,  and resist any pain that arises when that belief is triggered by life.  We do not want to face the truth about this belief and to see the impact it has on our lives.  We won't or can't accept that it isn't life giving us a hard time...it is the beliefs in our minds. We would rather stay stuck in the repeating loop of negative belief, thought and feeling that has become a familiar part of our life experience  than face, head on, the truth that it is our beliefs that are keeping us prisoner and that if we were willing to simply feel the pain they evoke we could improve our lives dramatically.  

But...we would have to be willing to do the work and feel the pain. Are you?

The great spiritual teachers tell us that in order to heal in the truest way we need  to relax and even lean into the discomfort, the pain, and the suffering. Leaning into pain seems absolutely crazy to our minds that are desperately trying to protect us from it.  Being vulnerable, naked and exposed is something we avoid. Mind says "No! Don't go there!    Resist...fight...suppress...repress...distract...numb...avoid...struggle against. Do not go near the flame!"

We tend to listen to the Mind and the Soul cries

 Many of us will do anything...not to feel pain!  And as a result we suffer in our resistance much more than we could ever suffer in our acceptance of its reality. This resistance does protect the body and mind to some degree...the amygdala is made for that biological part of us...but what about the deeper part of us? Does this resistance and avoidance of pain help us there?

The beliefs that are so painful within us, constantly triggered by life events, do not go away when we deny them or avoid them in the many ways we do.  We close down and curl up into restrictive and tight emotional and mental postures. There is a deeper part of us, buried beneath all these defense mechanisms,  that is crying to be freed from this entrapment. I like the way it was referred to as "soul sadness" by Tara Brach in the linked video below. When we put all that energy into denying the truth of our core beliefs and avoiding pain, we make our souls sad. I like to think that our souls (our true Selves, our essences, our energies...whatever you see it as)  have a purpose here to radiate and bring love into the darkest of places. So when we do not "shine" the way we were intended to, our souls cry out.  Instead of expanding and growing we end up living very limited lives full of the very thing we wanted to avoid in the first - suffering! 

The truth is...it isn't Life that caused the pain. The pain is in our minds and it is to the mind we must go. We need to let go of our resistance.  We must be willing to dig up and face those beliefs and all the vulnerability and pain associated with them if we truly want to heal. 

Hmmm! How do we do that?

We do that with love and self compassion, Tara Brach reminds us.  The thing is , once we become willing to sit with our own vulnerability; once we become willing to lean into those painful places, to dig up and examine our beliefs and the feelings associated with them, that love and self compassion will usually emerge naturally.  We naturally become the loving mother when we observe or experience vulnerability.  That is ingrained into every soul. So if we can truly observe, and feel our own vulnerability we may learn to gently hold the broken bits. The amygdala may do a great job protecting us from pain but the soul does a great job filling our vulnerable and broken places with compassion and love.  When we are willing to step out of our comfort zones and open up enough for the light to pour in, we can indeed discover wholeness in the whole- mess.

All is well!

Tara Brach (July, 2021) The Three Core Reminders For Spiritual Practice   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjNHU1hy1dA

Metacognition

 One of the greatest things you will ever realize is that the moment in front of you is not bothering you-you are bothering yourself about the moment in front of you. 

Michael Singer, Living Untethered, page 25

  According to Tara Brach there are three core reminders for our spiritual practice. This is the essence for being mindful of the mind or metacognition. 

1. Wake up from thinking: Become the witness to your thoughts. We all have the capacity to observe and monitor our thoughts and doing so is a way to free us from much of our suffering. We can see, if we are observing, that we are not that which we observe. We are not that which we think about.  We can say , "It is just a thought," and we do not need to believe the story the mind is telling us. 
2. Feel the feelings.  We need to allow our feelings instead of  giving into the tendency we have to push the uncomfortable away or down within us.  The more willing we are to be "vulnerable, uncomfortable, afraid" the more we are freer  in the long run.  We can create space for these feelings, whatever they are, and in so doing we become more present and more spacious,
3. "Remember Love".  Tara Brach reminds us that we need to "express care and receive care".  We need to keep our hearts open. 

Some wonderful food for thought.  Will get back to this but for now I a need to prepare my house for teh arrival of my grandchildren.  Need to clean and tidy so they can destroy it lol.

All is well!

Tara Brach (July, 2021) Three Core Reminders. https://www.tarabrach.com/three-core-reminders/

The Moment In Front Of You

 There are countless moments unfolding in the universe at any given time, and your relationship to all of them is exactly the same. You are the subject; they are the object. 

Michael Singer, Living Untethered , page 25

The moment in front of you right now has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Michael Singer, Living Untethered , pg 23

The View Which Discriminates Between Thoughts and Names

How debilitating is the view which discriminates between individual thoughts. ...How deluded we have been in clinging mistakenly to nominalism!

Tibetan Book of the Dead, Penguin ( 2005), pg 145

Someone asked me recently, "Well what are you?", in reference to my religious affiliation. All I could do was shrug my shoulders.

"Are you a Hindu because you practice yoga on and off the mat?" 

Again, I just shrugged my shoulders and answered hesitantly, "I don't think so. Though  it certainly has a strong Hindu influence because of where it originated, yoga really isn't a "religious" practice.  It is a "mind" practice.   And though I resonate with some of  the teachings in the Gita, the Vedanta traditions and the Upanishads etc I don't call myself  a "Hindu. "

"Are you a Buddhist?  You keep mentioning the Buddhist teachings and stuff." 

I took a deep breath before answering, "I don't think so.  There is so much wisdom in the teachings. I can't help but learn and grow from them. Of all the religions I studied so far, it does seem to be the most practical. But I can't call myself a Buddhist either. " 

"And you are always speaking about the Tao Te Ching...are you Taoist?" 

I could only shrug my shoulders. "I don't think so."

"But I remember you being such a strong Catholic, a Christian, and going so far as to spout that  all other religions were "false". Do you still think that way? Are you against the Catholic church now?" 

This question always gets me the gut and I swallowed hard before I answered, "No! I very much love and learn from Christ's teachings and there is so much beauty and grace in the rituals of the catholic church.  Though I do not practice as a Catholic anymore, nor do I see Christianity as being the only way to receive the grace of true understanding....I am not against the church. I am not against any religion. In fact, I try not to be "against" anything. 

I am sure that to a person, who defines themself as a Hindu, I would not be seen as a Hindu.  A  self proclaimed Buddhist would likely not see me as a Buddhist, neither would  someone  identified as a Taoist say I was one of them. I have received all my sacraments as a Catholic so technically, I guess , I am still viewed by others as a Catholic, as "fallen" as I may be,  but I do not define myself as such anymore.

The thing is, I don't define myself as anything anymore.  I do my best not to define myself at all. So, I definitely do not identify with one religion over the other, one belief system over the other. I am very cautious about getting attached to any,  "belief and conviction",  be it based on religion or something else.

In answer to your first question, I don't know what "I" ...as this "me" ...is,  in terms of religion...Maybe I am all of it and maybe I am none of it." 

To which the person responded, "Huh? WTF(fork)? You have lost me. I don't understand you at all."

And I just smiled and said, "Either do I. Either do I."

All is well. 

Truthful Existence

 

How deluded we have been by our grasping at characteristics!...

 How pitiful we are, clinging to purity and impurity...

How deluded we have been in clinging to the dichotomy[contrasting things and seeing them as opposites, at different ends of the pole ( my definition)] of great and small...birth and death...corners and angles...transitional processes[beginning and end]....effort and attainment....existence and non-existence...middle and extremes...spaciousness and confinement....higher and lower [energy centers]...between the environment and its inhabitants!

How deluded we have been in clinging mistakenly to nomalism[naming and labelling everything...(my definition)]...

How pitiful is the mind obscured by ignorance, which grasps immaterial phenomena as materially  substantive!...

How tormented is the intellect of a bewildered being, which apprehends the uncreated truth in terms of "I" and "mine"!...

We have not understood that phenomenal appearances are illusory, and thereby our minds have become attached to material wealth!

How deluded we have been in clinging to the dichotomy between hope and doubt!

How totally mistaken is this mind of ignorant people [such as ourselves]!...

Since we have failed to experience the natural liberation of pristine cognition, which is [intrinsic]awareness, we have forsaken  the modality of intrinsic awareness and persevered in distracted acts. 

Take pity on these sentient beings who are devoid of such truthful experience!

The Tibetan Book of the Dead, Section from Chapter 7 entitled: Confessions in the Presence of the View, pages 143-147

This excerpt obviously caught and held my attention. And from this excerpt, these are the words that rang true the most.  It resonated with me.  Though I have no right to pick and choose from such  a sacred text...that is what I have done here. I see in this section so much of what I learned about "wrong view" and the impact it has on our life experience, how it is responsible for our sense of "suffering" and in this tradition's view point:  our being caught up in cyclic existence.   

It brings to mind this idea of sin we feel the need to confess.  Truly what sin is , is simply wrong view , is it not?  The word sin actually came from an ancient Hebrew/Greek translation of the an archery term..."to miss the mark".  When we sin...we have not hit the target of truth square on...we are not seeing clearly...our views are wrong. Our actions are determined by those views.  Redemption simply comes with seeing clearly...right view rather than wrong view.

Hmm! We are not living in a truthful way when truth is obscured by our grasping and clinging to views that keep us from it. Duality and dichotomy are terms used a lot in Buddhist teachings ( as well as Vedanta and other wisdom traditions)  when expressing "wrong view".  We , normally before we awaken, operate from an understanding of extremes...bouncing from one extreme to another in our beliefs and views.  This prevents us from walking the "middle way" of truth,. Yet there is only truth. We can not help but be in truth if that is all there is. To believe we live in any other way is delusion. To dualize subject and object...to see a contrast and distinction between them is a delusion. To name. label and perceive things as being one or the other: good or bad, pure or impure, great or small, beginning or ending, existing or not existing is wrong view.  It doesn't serve us to think this way...it leads us to grasp for that which is not permanent like "material wealth" or this idea of "I" and "mine" which separates us from the "other". This idea of separation, then,  creates a whole host of problems.  It , among other things, leads us to make distinctions and get caught up in those distinctions between hope and doubt.  Hope keeps us in the future, doubt keeps us in the past and both keep us from the present moment...the only time there is. Awareness, which is nondual truth, is found and experienced in the present moment while duality is just a fabrication of the mind as is teh past and teh future. Without awareness we are trapped in distractions of the external world, grasping and clinging to illusory things we view incorrectly through the lenses of dualism. 

Note:

I have been reading/studying ( meaning I have been taking down notes, contemplating and reflecting upon what I read) The Tibetan Book of the Dead.  As I said many times before, it is likely not my place to do this, let alone share what "I" (this very limited and personalized  body and mind) has 'interpreted from my reading.  The text says again and again that a teacher is required, a teacher from the lineage holders, and I interpret that to mean, a monastic teacher from a specific Tibetan Buddhist tradition. I don't have one of those and I am weary of such means of teaching, only because I feel the habituated  compulsion to directly learn and experience for myself...an oppositional off shoot, maybe,  from my own religious upbringing. Regardless...what I am trying to say...is "do not take a word of what I write here in reference to my studying as truth".  I will write down certain things because that is how I learn but I am in no position to critically judge what I am reading.  My mind wants to judge that which seems too far out there for it to comprehend or that which differs dramatically from the belief systems I grew up with but man...I don't know anything. I have to keep reminding myself of that as I breeze through Chapter 5,6, 8, 9. My mind won't even begin to understand the "Peaceful and wrathful deities" and all those we are requested to pay homage to. And it is hard for me to see the signs of death and dying and the rites used to avert death as more than superstition and traditional folklore based on the culture from which the text emerged.  My mind won't let me get past certain things so I just breeze through them which I suspect is not the way to approach these teachings. I see more and more how this teaching is meant for someone in the monastic tradition and not for us "householders" who do not have time or skill enough  to pray, chant and meditate hours and hours a day. Chapter 7, on Confession, however, I can relate to...to  some degree, as confession was a big part of my Catholic upbringing. Of course, I do not truly "understand" what is being taught and maybe I am not meant to. 

Regardless of all this clashing between cultural and religious differences...there is so many tidbits of undeniable...soul reaching wisdom and truth in these teachings, one cannot help but say "Yes!  I get it!" It is those tidbits that I will share, for my sake, I suppose, more than anyone else's. 

All is Well!

Padmasambhava (composer), Terton Karma Lingapa (revealer), Gyurme Dorje (translator), Graham Coleman and Thupten Jinpa (editors)(2005) Tibetan Book of the Dead .Penguin: London 

You Are The Observer [Until You Are Not]

 Your relationship to what you see is always one of subject-object.[Until it isn't]. You are the subject, and what you are looking at is the object. There are many different objects coming in through your senses but there is only one object experiencing them-You.

Michael Singer, Living Unthethered, page 5

I added [ Until it isn't] to that quote above. I love the teachings of Michael Singer and I am so excited about reading, Living Untethered.  As I read it, I am also reading and studying, The Tibetan Book of the Dead. I am not recommending that anyone else do that, lol, but it is interesting to do so.  Of course, the basic underlying premise in both books is centered around the importance of understanding our minds where all so called "problems" or even  all "phenomena" are experienced.

Michael Singer's approach is much more practical and suited to our contemporary lives but the Ancient text has probably more depth and wisdom to it.  Singer is gently introducing us, it seems, to this wisdom in steps.  I am not sure if he is follower of Non-dual Vedanta in his yoga practice but it seems he is starting off with the subject-object duality before he gets into the truth that there is no duality between us and what we observe or experience. We need to see that we are not our thoughts, not that which we perceive with our five senses, and  that we are the observer before we see that there is no object nor a subject. It is a good starting point but we of course, cannot leave it at that. 

There is no duality between the object viewed and the observer. Without focusing on the view, search for the observer! Though one searches for this observer, none will be found. Tibetan Book Of The Dead, page 48

Michael Singer ( 2022) Living Untethered. New Harbinger/Sounds True: Oakland

Padmasambhava (composer), Terton Karma Lingapa (revealer), Gyurme Dorje (translator), Graham Coleman and Thupten Jinpa (editors)(2005) Tibetan Book of the Dead .Penguin: London 

Without Focusing on the Photography, Search For the Photographer!

 

In photography there is a reality so subtle, it becomes more real than reality. 

Alfred Stieglitz

Raining out there and I am seeing a lot of leaves on the ground and a lot of empty branches.  I love the Oak this time of the year though. ( I know I am preferring :)) When the beautiful vibrancy of the season begins to fade I look to them.  They are always last to lose their leaves.  Though they are clinging, like we cling to so many things in this physical world and clinging, of course,  keeps us all a bit trapped, I do secretly appreciate their attachment to their leaves. It allows the colour in the world to linger just a little bit longer.  

I also love the light in  Autumn. ( again preferring...straying off the path of  the middle way big time lol).  Inspired by that light, I found myself with camera in hand again taking pics of that which I love the most. I took pictures of my grandson in amongst my tress. ( Of course, neither this child or these trees are 'mine'...but you know what I mean).  I had not shot for a very long time and I missed it so much more than I realized. Capturing essence, capturing emotion and capturing the perfect balance between joy and frustration...beauty and ugliness...shadow and highlights...black and white...all a perfect dance that I am in love with. Why did I wait so long to shoot?  

I had lost interest I suppose.  I mean I do have some camera issues...with a lens that needs tweaking and one of my camera bodies that needs some looking into...but I could have tried. Because of my attachment to all that was going on in me and around me, photography  felt like too much effort for my exhausted body and mind when no effort was really required at all.   Man, there really is no trying, no seeking, no great effort required  in photography...just as there is no trying in meditation or in breathing. It is not like the photographer has to do something or seek something out there...

It, like life, is just a matter of nakedly observing what arises.

Nakedly observe all that arises in this modality, which is without meditation and without distraction! (page 48)

I am learning through what I am reading now that: There is no duality between the object viewed and the observer....no duality between the actor and the action, (page 48-49), no distinction between the  photographer and the subject being photographed...between the lens and that which the lens is pointing to. And there really is nothing to be done...nothing to capture outside of this mind.   There are not phenomena extraneous to those that originate from the mind. [So], there are no modes of conduct to be taken extraneous to [those that originate from the mind]. (page 45)There is just pure awareness.  I feel that when I have the Nikon to my eye. Pure awareness, looking at pure awareness. 

And what about this fretting I used to do about how my pics turned out? Silly waste of time because there is no duality between purity and impurity (page 49), beauty or ugliness, too dark or too light, screwing up or getting a great shot etc. And "I", as this little me ( body and mind) that holds the camera and pushes the buttons am not the one that takes those pics, anyway, because there really is no one there attaining.

There is no duality between the object of attainment and the attainer. Without focusing on the attainment of the result, search for the attainer! Though one searches for this attainer, none will be found. (page 50)

All is well!

The Tibetan Book of the Dead: The First Complete Translation. (2005) Penguin Books: London

Learning to Observe One's Mind Using a Sacred Text

 There are no phenomena extraneous to those that originate from the mind.  So, one should observe one's own mind, looking into its nature again and again. 

Tibetan Bok of the Dead....page 45

Note: Text and formatting on this post is way off and I cannot seem to fix it. My bad! :) .

That is the path I am on...looking into the mind again, and again and again. 

For further guidance in this area, I am reading the Tibetan Book of the Dead and really trying to get to know it.  The first three chapters , though offering  very succinct tidbits of wisdom, in regards to the nature of the mind and the importance of taming it, as well as some insight on Tibetan Buddhist tradition, left me feeling like I was doing something sac-religious, like I was touching something I had no right to touch or read, let alone attempt to study and understand on my own. I was reminded, as I read through these chapters, of my catholic upbringing and the way I received the teachings then.  Like only so many people had the right to study and interpret the words in the scripture and to attempt to do so, without the  guidance of the high ranking members of the church,  was like a mortal sin. Likewise this ancient text was not meant, it seems,  for the unguided lay person's interpretation.  It is meant only for the lineage holders to protect,  interpret and share with the "less worthy"(my words). 

·        I have been finding other similarities to my Catholic upbringing upon reading this book. There is a lot of “should and musts” in this text, so far, a lot of “if you want to receive salvation you got be virtuous in this life so you are saved in the next”  type of thing (or at least saved from the wheel of Samsara), a lot of ritualistic and repetitive chanting (making me  think of the rosary and recitation of things like the Apostle’s creed etc) and there is  this required  “reverence” for and “need to be taught” by a select hierarchy of  lineage holders who held the sacred texts from public view for centuries ( the catholic control over the original bible). I see a set up in this monastic  hierarchy maybe…like priests and cardinals and popes…I just do not have the feeling of the “direct experience” that it is pointing too, in the first few chapters.  There seems to be some outside control requesting a certain dependency on the “lineage holders”, teachers and scripture.  It seems to point to the “religion” as the only way to get there??? Man, how many times have I heard that growing up?  There is designed a specific practice of recitation, prayer, reflection? For example, "It is recommended that the preliminary practice be repeated 100,000 times  as a prerequisite.." 

 Now, I know I am in no position to judge or offer an opinion on something as revered as this book is. It is not wholesome or beneficial for me to pick and choose pieces of it that I like or don't like.  I can't critique it by any means. I really do not know anything about anything.  But I do want to approach it honestly, as well as respectfully.  I will read it all.  I will study it all...(without a lineage holder teacher, I am afraid.   I have always been a very independent and self directed learner...I learn best that way. Besides where is one going to find a lineage holder teacher from that tradition around these parts lol  )  All that being said, I struggled, because of my own past memories,  through the first few chapters, though they offered beautiful, almost poetic tidbits and guidance for practice. When I read Chapter four: The Introduction to Awareness: Naked Liberation Through Perception, however...a beautiful light went on! It resonated with me. In this chapter we are introduced , in a lovely  poetic way, to the true nature of the mind. Here the essence of all teachings from all traditions, all religions  seem to come together in a very profound way. I found myself saying, "Yeah! This is why I am reading this! I get it!"  

A  Anyway, I will not contaminate this book with my meager opinion or judgement. All is well!

 

 

A

A

 

Gold

 Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,

her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower

but only so an hour. 

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

Robert Frost

I always loved this poem but I see it in my own way, I guess. I see it as a tribute more to Autumn, than to spring as I was taught. What I see, of course, is a poetic reflection on the impermanent nature of things but also on the interdependent nature of things. There would be no beginning without a death...there would be no green in spring without the browning in Autumn. Autumn in my part of the world, and in the part of world where Robert Frost lived and wrote, is a beautiful, beautiful gold!I cannot see him not paying homage to that beauty.  The first green of spring is possible because of the gold of Autumn.  Those leaves fall to the earth in October, becoming that which allows the tree to leaf in the spring. So the first green leaf is really gold. 

There is also a thought conveyed in the poem that there is no holding on, no clinging to anything...just as the leaf cannot cling to its stage as a flower, its stage as a green leaf nor as a gold leaf.  I always thought he was playing with "the hardest hue to hold" thing.  Both the green and the gold are hard for the leaf to hold onto so we really do not know if he is referring to the green or the gold hue as being the hardest. But it is especially hard and more dramatic for that leaf in Autumn, for the leaf that is struggling to hold onto its position on the tree, to hold on to its life, is it not?   The colour change represents this inability the leaf has, that we all do not have to hang on to youth and to life. We cannot stop change.  Youth is so short-lived, as is life. "only so an hour". So everyone has so much to say about the line..."Then leaf subsides to leaf"  but I just see it as depicting the ever-changing nature of the leaf...to go from youth to age, to death, back to life.  One stage of the leaf gives way to another.  One leaf that falls in October gives way for another to emerge in April.  

"Eden sank to grief"...always reminded me of November...November is a very solemn month...skies are grey ...and trees that were once vibrant with colour are bare and empty of colour. This is what the gold gives way to. I believe  he was referring to the grief that comes when Eden (nature)...is no longer colourful, to that  dying part of the season before winter comes . And we are reminded simply, through these words,  that nothing gold can stay...nothing stays the same.  Everything is always changing including the green beauty of spring and the golden beauty of Autumn. 

Anyway...that is how I see that poem but heck,  what do I know?

All is well.

Love

 Love can be the greatest trap or the greatest liberation. When love is an attempt to satisfy need-lacking-it is a trap.  When love is something you find in yourself, that makes you whole and complete, that is not contingent on anyone else, then that Love is a liberation. 

Michael Singer

Is There Awareness Behind the Thinking?

 ...the spiritual awakening is to discover that there is continual mind activity [mental movies]. And for some people it is the discovery that a significant part of their mind activity is negative. But the vital part is to discover that there is this continuous talk in my head, which is considered the normal human state...But the question is, Is there an awareness behind the thinking?

Eckhart Tolle

No readers yesterday and I am glad considering the ego-embarrassing realization that I shared . I mean I realized long ago that I, like most people, get caught up in mind activity that takes me away from the reality of my present moment but yesterday I realized just how negative that mind activity is. How I tend to  catastrophize everything and escape...yes escape into those catastrophes.  

Why We Get Lost In Thought

Why would anyone want to escape into a catastrophe or tragic event, crazy lady? So we do not have to deal with the "reality" of the now which we assume, like the movie we are starring in, is going to be pretty awful but in a different way and we know, without our "roles", we have to face it raw. 

You see, in the moment we come back to reality (out of the constant, distracting movement of  mind activity and into unmoving presence) ...we are suddenly  costume less and script less...we are stripped down to our undies without protection. From there, we are forced to face the moment as it is.

The Scary Now 

Let' be honest, the now can be pretty scary. First of all, it is unfamiliar and the ego, which is still lingering around in the back ground of those initial come-to moments, does not like the unfamiliar. It has a lot to say about it! There is also so much unexpressed or deeply stuffed emotion in the now wanting to be released. Many of these emotions are very painful. There is a realization of the emptiness (and not the Sunyata emptiness) of everything we were clinging to previously. So we may feel we have nothing to hold on to as we fall blindly into the unfamiliar.  And in the beginning the now can also feel like a "let down". It seems so "blah" compared to the exciting roller coaster ride we were on in our minds,  full of ups and downs and all rounds.  We may look around and ask, "This is it?  Man what do I "do" with this?" We may feel a compulsion to "do" anything to make this moment more like what we are used to. We also have to face how we spent our lives running from life rather than living it, when we wake up.  That is not pleasant.

The initial part of awakening is not pleasant and I think many teachers fail to share that part of the journey. So when we begin waking up we may be unpleasantly surprised. 

Waking up, coming back to the moment,  may seem especially unkind to people who have endured past trauma. If you have been running all your life...with adrenaline through the roof...it is is not a nice feeling to suddenly stop and have no place to put that adrenaline. That is why most of us spend our lifetimes running from our moments into our minds. 

Easier To Be Lost In The Drama

When I am playing a part of tragic heroine and I am lost in the drama...building it up from actual experiences I am dealing with (I did actually have the symptoms of a possible retinal detachment and I did have a specialist tell me we have to rule out glaucoma but my mind went a little cra-cra with it)  ...it seems to myself and others that I am  my character. It all seems pretty real...but there is still a part of me that knows it isn't real...that I am just playing a part. I know the exaggerated events of now and the potential events of the future I build on in my mind,  are not the "real" trauma I experienced in the past, the stuff I have been running from,  nor is it the drama-less reality of what I am experiencing in the present. The more dramatic and out there the present and future events I create in my mind , the less real it will seem to that part of my mind that knows better. So the mind's movie is almost a safe place to put all the adrenaline I have collected from past traumas  without really having to deal with those tangles and knots left within me from it.  My character deals with it in the mind so I don't have to deal with it in the moment. That is all fine and dandy until one hears that resounding "Cut!" coming from within.

When we are brought back to our moments, as they are, for whatever reason, we may feel very, very vulnerable, unsure, disorientated, afraid.  That is the way I felt yesterday When I was taken out of character, away from the storyline created for this character,  by the voice of realty it was a little shocking.  I landed back in the moment with a thunk. There I was in this kind, patient moment which was gently holding all that was within it out to me and I didn't know how to handle it.  It would have been so much easier for "me", ego chirps, to deal with the potential loss of vision in one eye than to deal with all the residual pain, grief, insecurity from past trauma and all the "real stuff"  that is always waiting  so undemandingly, but so honestly,  for "me" in those  moments I wake up in.  Yesterday's moment of waking up  was uncomfortable. 

Is there an awareness behind the thinking?

And observing presence isn't a thought, it is just the ability to realize  that there is a voice in your head, that are thoughts [mental movies]. And you realize that some of those thoughts are negative and many of those thoughts, are not only  unnecessary but make your life very difficult. 

E.T.

Yet, at the same time I had this realization and was feeling all that "culture shock" emotion after being pulled back into my moment, I was so aware of the awareness. "Yes! This is good.  Feels like crap but I know it is good to be this open and raw, to be here in presence rather than lost in mind.  It sucks now but I need to be here in order to get there. " There was this deep awareness, that Tolle talks about in the video linked below,  that I often get lost in mind and the mind stuff is often negative  but for that moment  I  had come out of  mind. I could see so clearly that being back in the here and now is not always a pleasant experience initially  but it is exactly where I want to be.  It was really quite amazing. 

Most of us spend a great deal of our time here on this planet living in mind made movies in our heads , instead of in the moment.  And for most of us those storylines are negative.  Regardless if the storyline is positive or negative, however, we all have a tendency to use these movies to escape from the reality of our present moments.  For many of us being in the here and now is hard and we do not want to deal with it.  It is much easier to get lost in drama.  But if we really want to heal; if we really want to live... we need to get out of our minds and back in to the present moment where Life is. As exciting and distracting as the mental movie are. ..and as uncomfortable as the initial part of waking up may seem...it is  in Life where we truly want to be. Let's be present.

At this moment, having renounced activity[the movie in the head], and having attained a singular concentration, I must not fall under the sway of bewildering mental afflictions.

Tibetan Book of the Dead, page 33

All is well.

Eckhart Tolle (n.d.) How to Calm The Voice Inside. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBXpFbOPUdA

Tibetan Book of the Dead ( 2005). Penguin: London 

No Drama Afterall

 Life is like a movie. Write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending.

Jim Hensen  

I had an "aha" moment today in the examination of what goes on in my mind related to the stories we tell ourselves so ego can play a part. I am often lost in character as a tragic heroine,  playing a victim's role well enough to fool anyone, including myself. I seen so clearly today, however,  that "victim to life's challenges"  is just a role many of us become so attached to, but it is not who we really are. The dramas  we star in are  often just ever changing mind-made creations. Accepting script changes that may force us out of character can be painful but it is very necessary in order for us to heal from our delusions ..so we can  connect to who we really are. 

No Drama Afterall

Let me begin by saying, I do not have glaucoma...as of yet anyway.  I am at a risk because of a thin cornea and family history but as of now...no glaucoma.  Just some cataracts and  a dry eye which is believed to be causing the pressure and impaired vision I get in my left eye in the morning. (That and the floaters).  Hmm! 

The Movie I was Starring In 

The ophthalmologist  noticed something in the summer that warranted further testing to rule Glaucoma out. For months and months, previous to the "rule out Glaucoma" thing,  I was concerned that my retina might be detaching (family history of that) because of the increasing  pressure I was getting, as well as the flashing lights and big blobby floaters that kept getting worse. Even though the optometrist seen no tears on examination last spring and assured me it was just a vitreous detachment( a fairly common and benign condition), concerned about my vison I asked my doctor to refer me to an eye specialist.   And on examination she, the ophthalmologist, said there was absolutely no retinal tears and confirmed the other diagnosis of a posterior vitreous detachment. She did, however,  incidentally notice a fair degree of cupping and decided to test me farther for Glaucoma. When I left her office last summer, however, the possibility of having Glaucoma was not the focus of my attention. My shame was.

Shame: A Change in the Story Line and the Loss of A Starring Role

I was more embarrassed then anything that I did not have what I thought I might have, a retinal detachment.  That the pressure,  flashing lights and floaters were absolutely nothing and I was making way too much of it. I was  ashamed that I did not  trust the optometrist's opinion enough to leave it at that and instead probably wasted this much- in -demand -doctor's precious time and energy for nothing more than  a neurotic concern.  The shame was a bit too much. 

I was also regretfully embarrassed that I was subliminally focusing on my eye so much for months, wondering if I was going to lose my vision in it ( Even though I was acting all cool and in control, like 'oh that is the least of my problems' ).  You see, I had added this life circumstance: "Oh, on top of everything else, I may be losing my vision in one eye" to the plot and story line of the movie I was starring in called, "Oh Wo Is Me. This is "My" Life". In the movie, the tragic  heroine had so many bigger issues to deal with that the eye issue was played as being something that was of secondary concern , and she so cooly pushes it aside, thus amplifying her victim struggle and making her appear even more so the heroine she was playing. It was shocking to realize that I was really attached to my role and to the story line. 

Then when I was told in the  summer that there was no retinal detachment...I heard the not so nice director inside my head yell, "Cut!". I was called out of character pretty fast and it was like a thunk and a bump to my ego's need to be starring in this role.  Though I gained a certain amount of relief, I also felt like I lost something. The eye problem had become a part of the movie's plot line. I was playing it well. Without it, my character's victim status was going to be diminished. and then we had to add all that shame and embarrassment in there about being so neurotic and not so "cool" ...not fun. 

Revamping the Script; Revamping the Role

So the  script writing part of my mind, being as clever and resourceful , as it is and in its determination that I become the best tragic heroine ever,  has an "Aha!" moment.  It decides to add that very subtle, "It may be Glaucoma" to the script and to build it up. So before I know it, hours after my embarrassing call to come out of character,  I am back on set as this tragic heroine  with the eye issue. She is now someone who might have Glaucoma (instead of someone who might have a retinal detachment)  but doesn't have time to focus too much on it because she is too busy dealing with more important things and caring selflessly for others. We didn't have to write the "Oh, and on top of everything else,  I may be losing my vision in one eye" out of the script after all. I could still play the part well. I became attached to it again. Though it was played as a secondary issue in the  story...there was this creative  build up of suspense as the  character waited for this appointment that would determine the future of her vision. The music was building up and building up in tempo ...everything was taking us to this moment...and then "No Glaucoma." was like the sound of screeching brakes.  The audience is left with a "What the Fork?" let down  and I am pulled out of character once again, landing with a thunk on my backside.

Without the Story; Without the Role

I stumble around confused and nervous with a "Who am I without this role I was so identified with for months? Who am I without the drama of another challenging life event? "  It wasn't the nicest storyline for any character to live through in a movie but it was "my" story line and it was something I could play well. I was so committed to my role, lost in it, and when the  story line gets changed or I am asked to come out of character I feel lost.  Sure I feel relieved but I also feel so naked without the costume and the story.  Man. how cra-cra is that lol?

This is a very common human tendency, is it not?  To get lost in story, to get lost in a role?   I mean the movies we create in our minds, do not have to be as tragic as the ones I create in my mind. lol I realize , after today, just how negative I have been. Without meaning to, I have been focusing  on creating a dark and challenging scene and atmosphere, blurring or cutting out all the beautiful, wonderful things. Because of past parts I played in dark movies,  I too often  see the worse case outcomes as the climax of my life story.  Man.  Other people create the story lines for  comedies, romance, fantasy, epic dramas and horror movies etc.  So many options but I choose those dramas where I can play tragic heroine because, I guess, my mind tells me it is the easiest one for me to play.  It is where I had the most practice and experience. Crap!  That's dark. How did I get so dark in the writing of my own life story? I much prefer comedy and I can be funny and see the humour in almost everything when I am not so stuck on playing the victim. I could turn this around and write one good comedy about how I, a comic hero, blows everything out of proportion and thinks the worse lol...maybe I will.  

Anyway, as I was driving home...completely free of costume and make-up, I felt so vulnerable, so raw and so real.  It was scary being this exposed, without a role or a script to hide behind,  but at the same time it felt freeing to realize that the movie wasn't real and either was my part. I heard myself saying. "Yes!  This feeling, though uncomfortable, is good. This is where I want to be, outside the drama, not in it." There is something healing in that.

We need to step out of our dramas and our roles more often even when it is uncomfortable to do so.

All is well. 

Seeking Wisdom for Liberation From an Ancient Text

Last year, this year, the waxing and waning moons, The days, nights and indivisible time moments are all impermanent. If we reflect carefully, we too are face to face with death. Grant your blessing, so that we may become resolute in our practice! page 11

I read and study , analyze and summarize that which comes to me in the form of "teachings" in the same way I read, studied, analyzed, and summarized poetry in my English Lit classes.  I do so with great interest, reverence, and a desire to grasp the message being shared in both a conceptual way and a very ineffable way. It is almost like  trying to solve some great riddle contained in the words  and some even greater riddle that lies beneath the words.  I have done that with The Bible, A Course in Miracles, The Gita, The Upanishads, The Tao Te Ching, and so many other great teachings. Now I am doing it with, The Tibetan Book of the Dead,  which just happens to be like poetry in many degrees. 

Yet I know it is a "sacred teaching" that was protected and held from the world for centuries by its "lineage holders". Would these holders deem my approach to reading this a sacrilegious thing to do? Here is me, a lay person who doesn't even deem herself a Buddhist,  with so little expertise  , so little indoctrinated knowledge trying to grasp a selfish understanding from this ancient scripture. Do I have a right to do that with this or any such text? I really don't know. Yet, here I am pulled to these teachings and gobbling them up like they were my sustenance. I guess I truly am a Jhana Yogi. 

So I finished the first two chapters. A guide to " prayer" and mantra recitation practice is offered in these chapters. Through those guided recitations, we see many of the teachings of  Tibetan Buddhism, mostly on the impermanent nature of things that we tend to erroneously cling to or avoid. It offers a reminder to recognize these attachments, as well as a request for us to revamp our commitment to practice so we become more skillful in our actions, speech and thinking. It a reminder that we are all capable of Buddha-hood (being liberated by direct awareness of truth) if we first recognize the errors of our ways and commit to pursuing the skillful and virtuous path.  A call to see how compassion is needed for all of us, who have yet to see and understand the truth of who we are beyond the "obscurations" of our minds, is repeated again and again.  And there is this reminder of the major point of this book (I suppose) which is the need for us to face that which we are most afraid to face...this concept of  the impermanence of our bodily lives...to face death. Great liberation, we are told, lies in being able to do that. 

That is what I feel called to do lately, for whatever reason, to understand death. Death is the mother fear of all fears and in the western world we are surrounded by an epidemic of fear. Fear and wrong view is at the root  of most of our illusion-based suffering. We need to face that which we fear in order to see it clearly and transcend it. I personally want to transcend my fear for self and for others. That is why I finally got this book that I have been meaning to read for a very long time.

Anyway...I suggest you read it yourself if you feel inclined. What I am seeking from the book may not come out in words so I am not sure what I will be able to offer here, from it as I read it. 

All is well. 

Padmasambhava,  Terton Karma Lingpa (revealer of text) , Gyurme Dorj(translator) Graham Coleman and Thupten Jinpa(editors) (2005) The Tibetan Book of the Dead: First Complete Translation. Penguin Books: London

We Are In It and It Is In Us

 Remain still, with the conviction that the Self shines as everything yet nothing, within, without, and everywhere.

Ramana Maharshi

This quote is very profound and probably underlies the teachings found in the video listed below. 

Oops...will get back to this in a minute.  Decided, last minute,  to have my Thanksgiving supper tonight as it seems to be the only time I can get everyone together and so now  I have to pop the bird into the oven.  (Man...I hate the sound of that.  I don't eat meat  for many reasons but I cook it for those that do.  I find it hard to do so...yet I do.  Forgive me Turkey)

This is what I gathered (paraphrased) from the last portion of the Alan Watts lecture, entitled, We have forgotten who we are:

• We, in the west, tend to differentiate between what we do and what happens to us. When we decide to take a deep breath...it seems that we are doing the breathing but when we stop thinking about breathing, we are still breathing.  Are we doing it then or is it just happening to us? 
• Do we beat our hearts?  We don't say, I  "beat  my heart", like we say "I breathe". There are so many involuntary body functions in which we say we have no control. Watts tells us that just because it seems we have no "conscious control" over these process, we do have a "supra conscious" control over our bodily function, over everything actually.  He says we make our blood flow just like we make the sun shine.  The body knows that it is a continuation of the universe, that we are a continuation of the universe...not separated from it.  
• When we watch someone walking down  the street , we are making them walk through our attention to them walking. It is hard to believe we are doing that but we are. If we were not observing them walk in front of us, would they be walking in front of us? We control everything the body is doing and we control everything the universe is doing...
• Of course, we do not realize that. If we did we might go a little cra-cra...with all these delusions of Grandeur or what Watts referred to as "Holy Man Syndrome"...thinking we are special...when everyone of us has these same innate powers to control everything. 
• There is no such thing as separate events. Everything we observe is us...It is all us...the person walking down  down the street and the person observing the person  walking down the street are one and the same. Tat Taum Asi
• We can, however, only experience one thing at a time and we have no idea how we, as everything, are making everything happen. We don't know how we make that person walk before us...but we do. We don't know how we make the sun shine, but we do.  We don't know how we beat our hearts but we do.
• This organism is a continuation of the energy that makes everything happen 
• Yet ego gets in the way of us knowing that.  "Ego is nothing more than the focus of conscious attention. " "The moment we cease to identify with the ego and identify with the whole organism, we see how perfect and harmonious it all is. "
• There may be discord at the personal level but at the higher level, it is all perfect and harmonious 
• "The world is really okay and can't be anything other than okay because it wouldn't exist if it wasn't."
• Omnipotence is  not about knowing how everything is done , it is about knowing that it just does get done
• Life is a dance of energy. No such thing as a distinction between spiritual and material "stuff".  It is all just pattern.
• We may be aware that there is a brilliant light within everything...beneath everything... but we are often not aware that we are looking directly at that light right now
• The brilliant light of the cosmos can be found in absolutely everything, even in an old paper cup...when we look at the cup we are looking directly at this light
• Awakening is really a reexamination of our common sense which has been rigged so that we feel like strangers in an alien world. When we start to really question this common sense we grew up on we begin to see it as it really is...it becomes obvious to us that we are continuous with the universe....not separate from it.
• When we take on a practice to attain something...say start practicing yoga... we are getting in the way of this truth. If we try to improve this "self" so we have a better experience in the universe ...this is an indication that we are not yet understanding the truth.  We are one with that which we want a better experience of.
• We can't strive or struggle to reach where we already are...to become what we are.  We can't strive to love...if we do it because we think we "should" than we lose sincerity
• Tale of a man with a problemed mind that goes to the sage for help.  The sage says he can help if the man first shows the sage his problemed mind...which of course the guy couldn't.
• Spiritual practices are ways of just continuing in this "folly" We are told to let go and do nothing...then we try to do nothing which actually becomes a doing something. 
• "There is no road to here and here is already there."
• We already have what we are looking for but it is "our privilege and deeply felt wish to play the game that we don't". When we realize this... the distinction between voluntary and involuntary behaviour disappears.
• We are part of the process.  It is all one process
• We do not come into this world...we are grown from this world
• "In every lump of rock floating in space  there is an implicit human intelligence."
• "I am in it and it is in me.  There is always a transactional relationship between organism and environment."

So much wisdom in this lecture...it brought to mind another beautiful quote I heard from Ram Dass,

As long as we are logged into our thoughts we are always one thought away from here.

Anyway, thought I would share.

All is well.

Alan Watts/ The Advanced Course (October 5,2022) We Have Forgotten Who We Are. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DffomqkDMCw