Happy Ripple

 Be the happy ripple enjoying every moment of its ripply existence- no longer demanding that things around you be permanent, that the other ripples and things out side you fulfill you.

Eckhart Tolle

Remember that though you appear to be a ripple on the surface level- that is not what you are at the  deeper level.

 

All is well

 Knots!  Knots!  Knots!

As I was writing and studying about the physical, mental and emotional forms of rsistance to pain...I remembered this poem from April 2020. I felt I should put it here.  Hmm...neither good or bad just is. 

Circling, twining, spiraling,
the strong unfrayable strands
coil around each other,
forming a ball of knotted flesh
at the center of our being.

Like a string of poplar trees
emerging  in unruly fashion
from the same root system,
miniature versions
of tangled memory,
terror, desperation and regret
 sprout up between
the fibers of unassuming  muscles.

Wrapping their misbehaving limbs
like deranged  tentacles
around the sinewy chords
of  shoulders, back and neck,
 they seem to  laugh eerily
with each movement
that brings the painful reminder
of what was and
of what may never be.

They spread out
into the  throat,
distorting voices,
making it challenging
to cry out "stop'
as they settle in jaws
clenched tight with resistance.
Like the hinges on Pandora's box,
these tired rusty joints 
hold the lid down
in fear the noisy demons
held within
will be released
and never contained again.

Knots! Knots! Knots!

The past leaves
its lingering impressions
in these fragile vessels
of body and mind
in the form of
multiplying knots.
Knots that constrain and restrict,
knots that add confusion to
what is already confused,
knots that nag and pull at us
like persistent toddlers
who demand our attention,
knots that we skip over,
knots that we stuff away,
and knots that we push down
as we reach upward and outward
away from their menacing presence
to something, anything  
that will bring numbing relief.

Oh,  but  no matter how
intoxicated we get
on the world's  many
elixirs  and distractions,
we cannot seem
to  run far enough away 
from  these knots.
Nor can we ignore the way
they painfully  damn up the vessels
Life is meant to flow so
fluidly and gracefully through.
We can not deny  how they
make us choke and cough up
the beauty and joy
that is offered us
before it ever reaches
its intended destination-  

Knots!  Knots!  Knots!

"Knots," the sages whisper
when we cry out in agony,
"can be untied."
"Just listen for the bell within you,"
they instruct with
their kindly examples.
" And stop...just stop when you
hear its sweet reminder;
stop the busy thinking,
moving and the doing.
Take a breath in,
draw that precious
healing prana
through you,
to the center of who you are.
Let it illuminate
each twisted tentacle
that clings to your idea
of  "me" and "them".

View each knot clearly
in the light of clear vision,
Observe how  the
distorted lengths  of story
and the  limbs of
judgment and assumption
have braided their way  
through your body and mind,
forming gnarled
and garbled obstacles
between you and this moment.

Regardless of how
your hand trembles,
resist your urge
to push away,
resist the need for
knowing and labelling, 
and instead
reach out to touch each knot,
just touch it gently.
Hold it in your hands,
feel its sinewy texture
with your entire being
as you  allow it to be
exactly what it is.
Just allow it, accept it.
Notice how it softens
in you as you
look upon it.
Feel the fibers release
enough for you
to decipher the truth
each filament within
the tangled mess holds.
Listen for its sweet voice
to become clear,
remember its forgotten innocence,
 and embrace every
coiled thread of Dukkha
you discover there,
with a heart wide open.

Then breathe out...
allow the breath
to fall and relax.  
Observe as it flows
like cool, refreshing  water
over and through each knot
that continues to 
untwine  and loosen
beneath its fluid presence.
Feel your mind soften
into emptiness,
your body ease into release
and allow
the fingers of judgment
to slip off your being
releasing you
from the twisted hold
your impressions 
have  had on you.
Feel the letting go
of each knot
and the opening
of your heart
as you untangle,
unwind
and wake up
to a healed mind. "

We may shake
our resistant heads
at this sagely advice
and turn our back
on this ancient wisdom.
We may continue
to give into
the knotted restriction,
contraction
and retraction
 of our existence
in the comfort zone.

Or maybe,
just maybe
we will  choose to
practice as instructed,
Maybe we will  stop,
maybe we will breathe,
maybe we will
notice and embrace
that which we have
 tried to push away
 for much too long.

Knots!  Knots!  Knots!
 
These knots hold
healing  secrets
within them
but the choice
is ours to make.
We get to choose  
whether or not
we remain ensnared in
in the twisted
net of suffering
or if we are released
by each and every knot
we bravely behold.

 

©Dale-Lyn April, 2020

Releasing the Tangled Knots

Often there is not a free flow of energy in the body, and as we direct our awareness inward, we experience, in a very clear and intimate way, the accumulated tensions, knots, and holdings that are present. page 18

I sat out to meditate this morning and my ability to do so was challenged by my mind's attention to the sounds and pictures of Life going on all around me.  I might have put a little too much sugar in my humming bird feeder this morning ...the little guys were wild today, dive bombing over my head.  The Blue Jays were busy getting the acorns out of  the Oak  trees.  There were Chickadees laughing in the distance.  The breeze was lovely through the full branches of Maple, Birch and Poplar.  The Pine trees looked like friendly and amazing giants standing over me. The grass at my feet was just humming with life...so many insects especially bees and it just filled my heart to watch them and hear them . (I was so worried about the bees at the beginning of the season...as if someone answered my prayers...they are everywhere! ) I would close my eyes but some lovely thing would asked to be observed. 

It was challenging to focus the mind and go inward but I tried.  When I did, I could feel a very familiar tightness in my core, and a pressure on the left side of my chest. I recognize this feeling as good old resistance.  I recalled what I read in the below book, my new study project, and realized  that I was resisting in all of the three ways discussed...with self pity, fear and most of all apathy. Though I didn't allow myself to get dragged along by story...I could see  what Life events were/are triggering this resistance...and how I respond to each.  The feelings of confusion,  loss, and self deprecation I experience in this  present living situation has been resisted with apathy.  Upon realizing I settled into a situation that was not healthy for me in my present stage of development, I turned down the "care" meter to the point I shut off feeling. I was coping with "apathy"...I was not dealing with the situation with a spiritual selflessness brought on by a sincere desire to do the "right" thing.  I was just resisting feeling pain  with apathy and indifference especially towards myself. Yuck!

As I sat with that realization   I could feel a movement of energy from my belly to my chest, then to the area behind the back of my eyes. So much sadness wanted to come out but the energy is still a little tangled up...I have some more disentangling to do. 

It was interesting to note, though, how this feeling...this sensation of tightness in my gut always feels like a solid mass, the core beliefs that trigger this feeling also feel like solid masses inside me.  The pressure in my chest also feels solid,  like someone's hand pushing down on my chest and occassionally squeezing it.  My mind registers teh sensations  as solid. And as solid it has this sense of permanence and power over me. Thus the resistance of the resistance.

Something amazing happens when we realize that none of it is solid...it is just a sensation brought on by the body in response to a pain. The sensation...the physical, emotional and mental is not a solid mass of anything.  It is just energy that my mind perecieves as "tangled knots" but even that perception is just energy. The knot, which is just an illusion, can be dissolved ...the tangle, which is just a creation of the mind and not what is really happening, can be untangled. And that energy that wants to flow through these eyes can be released so it flows freely.  This can happen just by looking deeply enough inward. Yoga, of course, can help too.

Hmmm! Isn't that amazing? 

Often, when we resist painful feelings, we have this idea that there is some solid mass of pain  in a part of  the body.  When we allow ourselves to feel the sensations that are there, when we go into them, then we begin to see that pain is not a solid mass but a field of vbration, characterized perhaps by tightness, burning , or pressure. But what we  see clearly is that there is nothing solid. We begin to experience this for ourselves and dissolve the illusion of solidity. As this happens in our practice,  it begins the process of untying the energy blocks and knots in our system. We begin to allow for a freer flow of energy which is very healing. page 22

All is well

Joseph Goldstein & Jack Kornfield (2001) Seeking the Heart of Wisdom. Shambala Classics: Boulder

Let It Fall

Because I Love This Life
by Rabindranath Tagore
(1861-1941)

“When I was born and saw the light
I was no stranger in this world
Something inscrutable, shapeless, and without words
Appeared in the form of my mother.

So when I die, the same unknown will appear again
As ever known to me,
And because I love this life
I will love death as well.”

https://www.spirare.name/because-i-love-this-life-by-rabindranath-tagore/ 

Hmm! I finished reading and then studying Life After Death by Deepak Chopra. It was a great book: deep, hard to read at times, honest and very real. I can honestly say that it helped me to understand and get past my fear of death.  And since the fear of death is the mother of all fears...I would strongly recommend this book to all fearful humans, which would be pretty well all of us, wouldn't it? 

Loving death will help us to love Life.  Just remember that there is a part of you benath all the conditioning, stories and images you created that is no stranger to Life and no stranger to death. This something is inscrutable, shapeless and without words.  The "unknown" is really the "known." 

Accept and appreciate the  reality of the impermanence of the body, the permanence of consciousness. Love your Life.

The body is like a cloak.  For the enlightened, dying is like letting the cloak fall to the floor. For the unenlightened, it is like ripping off a cloak that is sewn on. 

All is well in my world.  

Deepak Chopra (2006) Life After Death. Three Rivers Press: New York.

Dreams: Reading the Letter

 

A Dream which  is not interpreted is like a letter which is not read

-The Talmud

I had a dream last night that I was drowning in mud. 

I was walking along looking for my little dog that scampered off...it was a bit dark and I tripped on something which cause me to fall backward.  As I was falling backward in my dream I heard myself saying, "Of course! This would only happen to me!" And when I realized it was mud not snow I fell in, I heard myself saying, "Yep!  And it would have to be mud!" I had this bad things are going to happen to me thing going on in my dream. As I sat awkwardly in that mud, more than a bit peeved off for getting my clothes all dirty,  I began to see how it was sucking me down. I was sinking into it.  I felt fear. "Oh my goodness this is a bog with sink holes.  Is this the way I am going to go...to be swallowed whole by mud? There are bodies underneath me too.  I will be like them...and people will never know what happened to me.  They will think I disappeared without saying good bye. I need to get to my children, And I have not finished my writing projects. I am not ready to go yet!  I want to get back up. How am I going to get back up.  This pulling down feeling is so strong! I know I can't struggle and panic here...it will only make it worse. I must relax and slowly climb my way out. " And that is what I did.  I was so relieved to get out but knew I had to go to the authorities to tell them about the bodies in that hole and to tell them to do something about it so no one else fell in! 

Hmmm! I love dream analysis..and when I  look at this dream I see so much in it.  

Trying to Recover a Being Who Does Not Belong to Me

There I am up in the middle of the night looking to take care of a being that technically does not belong to me ( D. brought the dogs into my home after his house was burnt down and then he brought his son). In my attempt to "recover" this being, I slipped ( made mistakes, wasn't perfect, made sloppy choices) and fell off that path (away from the direction I was going which I believe was my healing path, my Self-realization path and my spiritual path which  meant  that I was to be non-judgemental, selfless, compassionate and giving no matter what). 

Falling 

I think the fact  that I "fell" into this is significant...Thought I was doing the right thing in searching for what was lost. I was not expecting to stumble ...I took an awkward step off my healing path ( my slip) and it resulted in a whole mess I was not expecting as part of the deal???  ...I fell ...and as I was falling I could see me falling.  That represents that I knew that making choices that put others needs above my own would result in a fall of some kind but because it was a "spiritual" thing to do I was expecting a softer, purer landing ( a spiritual reward). The fact that I landed in mud rather than snow took me by surprise...wasn't expecting to fall into something so dark and negative, so dirty both on the outside and the inside of me. 

Landing in Mud Rather than Snow

In the dream I was expecting the  soft, clean landing of snow...not the messy mud landing ( which is symbolic, I suppose, of the negative experiences I encountered when I stumbled off my path, that would, in a sense end up soiling and harming my body and mind to some degree( the clothes). The mud respresents impurity, a lack of clarity, a lack of innocence ( there was a great deal of residual energy from  violent circumstances and experiences that entered my home when a recovering person did, as well as a lack of hygiene) but more than anything it represents a very dark and sticky negative energy that came from outside of me as well as inside of me ( in my reaction...I judged, was resistant, angry, resentful, afraid). I fell off my spiritual path and landed in all that negative energy. It is my mind's way of saying , maybe, there is nothing spiritual about this experience

Pulling "Me" Down

It is so clear to me as I look at this dream. This muddy energy is pulling me down into a deep dark hole.  It started just as an angry feeling ( being peeved off) and then it became so much more. I am literally getting depressed as I feel increasingly powerless in my own home and in my Life. This energy which comes from both my external circumstances...being surrounded by "other" energy that does not see, respect or consider "my"  needs and from my  inner world... the fact that I do not consider my own needs enough... is pulling me down.  It will drown me if I don't get out of it. "Little Me" has lost so much already (Only my eye balls are above the mud)  and in spiritual terms that is okay...right?   This dream is showing me, however,  that like there is a force outside of me in this dream pulling me down (the sink hole),  my external circumstances and the muddy energy around me has power over my psyche.  

Bodies Underneath Me

In my dreams these bodies that were under me were female, I believe.  One woman in particular is beneath me in the dream but I dare not go there. I guess, it is symbolic maybe of the female propensity for taking on the martyr's and selfless care giver roles.  Many women  have given up all they were to do so. 

Not Ready to Go Yet

I was almost accepting of my plight when I first thought I was drowning.  I was not afraid to die, just didn't like the way I was going to die.  Self  is not going to be able to do what it is  here to do through "little me" if I am swallowed whole.Then I thought of the things I had left to do...tie up lose ends with the children, say my good byes, and finish my darn book and other writing projects. I guess the dream was reminding me that Self had a purpose to fulfil  through me ...maybe to finish my book and tie up loose ends. 

Don't Resist

Once I decided I wanted to get out of the mess I knew that I couldn't panic or resist.  It would only make it worse. All my lessons are paying off...I am getting that lol. I need to recognize,  accept and allow this experience of overwhelmn, depression, helplessness before I do anything.  Then I relax in it and stay calm. That is the  only way out.  

Getting Out of the Mud

I was so relieved in the dream when I got out. I made changes in my circumstances.  I didn't give in to the energy that ws pulling me down.  Though I did surrender to what is initially...I noticed I was sinking in mud, I didn't resist, I allowed it,  looked at it deeply and relaxed into it...but then I found the courage  and grace to step out of this situation. I got out of teh mud that was pulling me down. I stepped back onto the Path that will take me to where I want to go.  

Going to the Authorities?

In my dream I wanted to save those women who were lost in the mud...at least give them back a name. I also wanted to prevent someone else from getting lost  like they did and like I nearly did.  I see that snippet is telling me to teach and share what I have learned from Life. 

After this dream,  I definitely believe some change is required.

All is well! 

In, But Not Of

 Be in this world but not of it.

Wow! When a lot of challenges hit me at once I find myself very much in this world...lost in it almost and I forget that I am not of this world. I catch myself running off, pull myself back. I meditate with a hope to remind myself that I am the awareness of all this stuff going down around me ( this clump of flesh)  and through me ( body and mind) and not it...I want the reminder that though I may be in this busy world of form...I am not of it...that who I really am  comes from a place of stillness, quiet, spaciousness, a place I can go back to at any time.  Mind, however, as busy as it is, still reacts to the things going on around me and it is so convincing in its reasons why I should follow it and believe it, I often do.  I often  get lost in the stories it tells me. Sigh! 

I know I need to be in this world.  We are all  here for a reason.  We have these physical bodies and these active minds for a reason. Luckily I have evolved enough to know that I am not this body and mind...that they are just tools to help me navigate while I am here. That I am a Something coming from  a place the mind and body cannot understand at the conceptual and physical level. Still it is hard to balance the being in and the not of. ...balance the physical with the non -physical. 

I think I have always known in some strange way that I had one foot in both worlds...jumping back and forth like a runner warming up on the spot. It is hard to plant both heels down when you expect the gun to go off at any minute...even though that is exactly what a runner has to do before the race begins.

Anyway, it is all good. We will figure it out.

All is well in my world. 

Savitri's Promise

 Savitri's Promise

Shall I dance for you Yama, 

to show you that I care? 

Shall I sing out my loving praise for you 

into the quiet air?

Shall I lay my head upon your lap, 

and faithfully close my eyes,

 hum to the rhthym of your heart,

and give in to your lullabye? 

Shall I follow you in my dreams, Yama, 

through  the darkest night,

surrendering all my hopes and wishes, 

my pride , my fear 

my  fight? 

Shall I clear  a sacred spot for you

in your rightful place

and open up my heart and soul

folding you in my embrace?

I promise I will do all this 

for you Yama,

if for me,

 you do one task:

Add one more moment to eternity,

is the only thing I ask. 

I promise I will not cringe 

when you touch me

or crumble 

when you talk

if you would only 

add one more minute  

to the universal clock. 

I will willingly be yours, oh Yama 

if this could only be.

I will love you like I do my life,

and I will set your  demons free.

I will be your devoted student Yama

and will seek to show you how

I have  learned 

a mere second in your life time,

is a lifetime in my now. 

© Dale-Lyn, August, 2021

Okay...I know... more than a little rough lol. It was conceived while I was reading the Chapter , The Dream Continues from Deepak Chopra's Life After Death. Throughout the book he refers to the Saga of Savitri and Satyavan...a famous Indian fable.  Though his version differs somewhat from the ones I read...it is all about a woman confronting and outwitting death (Yama) in order to keep her husband alive.  

I love the learning Deepak Chopra shares from his understanding of his version of the story , She actually did love him [Death/Yama]as one loves the wholeness of Life rather than one aspect alone. (170) Read that line as I was rereading this chapter and taking notes ( Okay...with books like this ...I read and underline things that stick out to me and then I go back and study what is being taught like I am a student studying for a mid term lol...I don't know why other than I truly want to learn from any resource I can get my hands on, especially if it has something to do with learning about what it means to be human and what it means to be "more than human". I digress) ...The next thing I knew I was jotting down Savitri's Promise and the poem came out...It came out in five minutes and it came out rhyming ...sigh! Little to do with "me."

All is well!

Deepak Chopra ( 2006) Life After Death. Three Rivers Press: New York

The Ancient Tale of Savitri http://schools.yrdsb.ca/markville.ss/history/religion/hinstory3.html

Projecting and Getting Lost in a Dream

 

We spend our whole lives projecting a dream, stepping into it and believing the dream is real.

I don't know what to write about today.  I want to share some great lesson that doesn't involve a long ramble about "me". I do not want to pour my silly stories all over this page yet there are so many they consume me.  It is like my mind is trying to narrate 100 stories at once in order to "explain"  what is going on around me and in me. Try listening to 100 stories at the same time and then try talking about something else that is not related to any of those narrations. It is challenging.

I am a little caught up in the "happenings", the "events" of my life. Up most of the night last night. I didn't get to bed until well after midnight...texting back and forth with family in an attempt to make arrangements for a family member  who recently  found himself homeless. My daughter called at 2 am and told me she was having "those pains" again...the same type of pains she had when she lost her first baby. As we talked they subsided and she hadn't had them since but I could not fall back to sleep easily.  Then I went out to the kitchen to see another suffering loved one awake and unable to sleep because of what he is going through. I could do nothing to console him...only worry. ...as useless and as pointless as I know worry is. I went back to bed. 

I lay in bed listening to the story being told, "Bad things are just going to keep happening to you and your loved ones. Look at this, that, and the  other thing you had to deal with in less than four days.  Look at all the things you had to deal with for the last two decades. How many people do you know have to deal with things like this all at once? You are cursed my dear."  The story of my cursed life is so convincing at times, I actually believe it, especially in those wee hours of the night. At those times,  I see myself a marked target for Life's happenings. 

I get up in the morning and begin my practice again of observing and taming the mind. I see what I am thinking, feeling and believing and look deeply into it. I remind myself : Things are not happening to me. Life isn't picking on me. Life is just happening.  It isn't happening the way it is happening  to punish me...."me" isn't even really a thing.  "I am"  just  one of those happenings of Life. Just relax into it my dear, and let it be. 

Sigh! That is what I want to bring to you...our ability as human beings to not give into the story as if it were real.  It is only fiction.  What is real is the being, the essence, the presence   watching the  story go down. We are the observer/ seer/dreamer as well as the process of Life/the dream itself/ and we are also that what we see/observe or dream about. Hmm! 

I do believe that but I also wonder if by  getting lost in the "negative" and then unintentionally putting all this negative out there that I am creating  more negative to deal with? Yuck...I don't want to leave you with that lol. 

See yourself as the one who is doing all three, and suddenly the world of angels becomes as real as this world of solid things.

Deepak Chopra from Life After Death, Chapter 11

The Natural Flow of Happenings

 Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them-that only causes sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things naturally flow forward in whatever way they like.   

Lao Tzu

I have been writing everyday. Sometimes I publish what I write and sometimes I don't.  Sometimes it it is just too "me-me". It is not my intention to personally vent here but I truly study what my mind is doing, what my body is doing in response to what my mind is doing.  I study my perceptions, emotions, behaviours.  I watch and learn. If I do learn something valuable from this watching that I think others may benefit from ...I share it. I also write here to help me understand what is going on in my mind in relation to what I am learning.  If I am "troubled" by what I am experiencing I need to write, to release it somehow, to get it all down.  If it is pretty stuck in there it may require a lot of writing before it is out of me...before I can look deeply at it and understand it. This energy  is determined, however, to come out.  That means I may have several entries that seem like rants and raves on the same topic...resistance, for example. I will write about resistance related to a certain life situation  until my knot of resistance is released. Hmm!

Happenings

So yesterday I did write here about some other issues I found myself dealing with over the weekend.  Issues that were "crisis-like" in nature.  Crisis, I discovered, in the process of dealing with three certain things (things I wrote about yesterday but took down), offers an escape from the pile of rubble I often feel I am buried under in terms of the life circumstances I am dealing with.  When a crisis hits, which to me is something where someone's life or livlihood is at stake, or someone is about to lose something truely valuable ( ie. health or a loved one), it pulls me out of this smothery feeling I get. The adrenaline kicks in and my focus becomes so keenly directed  onto  this one thing. Well...this weekend there were three things...but three things are still easier to deal with than 100 :). Crisis is a distraction for me. Because my life has had so much  crisis in it , I can  see me developing a crisis addiction, if I have not already.  I noticed this tendency and response in me over the weekend as these things came at me(they didn't really come at me at all...they just happened...but it seemed they were coming at me, pulling me out of the place where I was buried under so many chronic and unresolved issues. ) It was almost freeing to be released from that which I felt so stuck under. I focused on the "happenings" 

Anyway, all things pittered down and deflated when the "crisis" component was removed. They then fell   onto this pile of unresolved issues and I seemed to be sucked right back down underneath this pile which is now bigger than it was before.  Sigh! I still need to deal with these things but they are no longer stamped with a"stat". 

We Got it Wrong!

I bring this up now because I listened to an Alan Watts lecture today on the Tao understanding of the happenings in Life.  Watts mentioned how the typical western world thought is based on two illusions when it comes to Life happenings.

1. We tend to think, as I still do at times, that things are happening to us.  When those crisis' were brought to my attention over the weekend, I automatically assumed that they were happening to "me". I heard myself saying, "Oh My God! I can't handle this now.  What am I going to do about it?  Why does everything land on me at once?"  These things , though they impacted my Life and forced me to respond by making decisons and taking action, had little to do with "me".  They were not  personal, even though they felt personal. They were just things that were happening. All things just happen.  We, ourselves, are happenings.  There is not a "me"...and things that are happening to that "me" .  Life isn't that personal. 
2. We also tend to think that what happens now is a consequence of some past happening, a cause and effect thing. Watt tells us that that is just an illusion, according to Tao teachings, the past is a product of the now, just a wake in the boat of the mind, a memory we create now.  It has little to do with the flow of Life and what happenings it brings our way.

The Tao, the Way, is a spontaneous flow of happenings that  seem to lack order but that is  from disorderly.  There is a pattern here as this flow of Life expresses itself through nature and through us...in happenings. Instead of resisting and fighting this powerful but gentle flow, we just need to lay down in it and let it carry us to where we all need to go...a greater depth, a greater understanding that can only be found in stillness and passivity. ...not in getting caught up in happenings.

Hmm! Something to think about.

Alan Watts. Stop Thinking About Life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_ySgRjuUwI

All is well!

Skill or Chance?

The Game of Life requires a delicate balance of order and chaos; ...a subtle combination of skill and chance.

Alan Watts 

I think I am in the chaos portion of my game?

As soon as I seem to be focusing  on one thing in my life that has  the potential to overwhelm me...that which I wrote about recently ...the sky opens up and pours down on this little clump of flesh and  its  weary mind .  I am reminded of the suffering of others.  Suffering that leads to or stems from choices used to avoid the pain these loved ones are feeling.  I see the consequences of such choices and try to step in so they do not lose more than they already lost, so I don't lose more than I already lost in the form of precious time with precious beings. I discovered , in the last two days, that I have a loved one who is now homeless because of choices and circumstances. They didn't reach out until today. That will be rectified immediately as much as we are able...but man...how did it get to this?  I have a loved one who is  literally a breath away from overdose and who was unreachable, not responding to texts or calls for the last three days. I finally got a text but I spent most of  today wondering if this person was still alive?  

 And I have a loved one who is fulfilling someone else's prophecy for him by screwing up in the way these others have convinced him he will screw up.  I step in ( will definitely not make a habit of stepping in when someone screws up...I believe we need to be responsible and held accountable for our choices!) only to see how judgement and assumption has made these others so uncomfortable with my stepping in.  They have convinced themselves that I too am not capable of caring for this precious being...that only they are qualified and must supervise me to some degree in this role. A line was drawn in the sand ...that says "We are over here...you and yours are over there.  This little one belongs on this side of the line  with us because we are more qualified and more deserving.   But because we are so good and kind and giving...we will allow you to spend time with her even though we do not think you're capable. Of course,  you can only do it in the conditions we can supervise in some way. "   

The last thing in the world we, on this side of the line,  wanted was for that precious little being to become some tug-a-war rope.  So we have not been pulling on this side. Maybe we should have pulled...just a bit.

All we want  is respect for our legal rights...the right to spend a limited and clearly defined amount of time with this being without others breathing down our backs, our right to bring her here, our right to take part in the decision making.  We have our own gifts to offer her, things to teach her and  share with her ...to add to her history. 

 This will benfit her as well.  She loves and needs us too! When they, those on the other side of the line,  declare exclusive "ownership"  of her, they are not only hurting us, they are depriving her as well. 

Anyway, I was dealing with that all weekend but I did eventually  get to spend some time with her ...unsupervised ...with just a few silly check in texts to remind me in  a twisted way to watch her.

Though it hurts to be treated so by friends...I push that out of the way for now so I can deal with the critical things. 

A crisis: someone losing a place to stay, possibly theirr life or their rights to their loved ones is a crisis and a crisis trumps all the chronic unresolved issues I often feel I am buried under, like this tug a war we do not want to play. A crisis...though definitely challenging ... is like a "get out of jail free" card .  It helps to pull me up and away from all this other stuff  while the adrenaline is pumping and the focus is keen and sharp on one thing. It is a bit of a reprieveI guess...that is until it fizzles out and lands on the top of that pile adding to the rubble I have to get to some day. Sigh!

It is all good though.  It may seem so disordely and so chaotic but it really isn't.  It is just Life doing what Life does.I have mastered the skills and can balance myself as she blows this way and as she blows that way. 

All is well!

Sharing Our Stories

 

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

Maya  Anegelou 

I know I have really been letting my version of  truth out all over this page...sharing what others would tell me I should never share so openly. Yet, it just feels so natural to do so here.  Why is that? I come to this page, any page, and truth almost demands to come out.  I like truth and I value honest expression.  

I also do not want to "hurt" anyone.  I weigh my need to express truth with any potential damage it may cause. I am okay if it points a bit at ego, (mine or someone else's) waking up the Something underneath...as long as it is not done to strengthen an ego, especially mine! 

I have spoken to the people involved  about my concerns...I was gentle and kind but honest, as I have in the past.  (That..never really led to change) . Other times, I was not so gentle or kind in my truth letting...and that was not affective in creating change either. Sometimes, others just do not hear our truth when we speak it because their egos won't let them.  It is hard to talk through an ego especially if it is dense with pain, desire or need. We can easily become quite frustrated with our inability to "get through" so we shut down talking directly to those who need to hear. When we shut down this communication, the energy that surrounds the need to communicate, doesn't go away. It can build up inside us in a sense of defeat and hopelessness, confusion, frustration, self deprecating self talk etc. (That is the situation I have been in and it is churning a hole through my gut.) We can continue to deny that need to communicate or we can find another means to do so. Honoring that need, I chose to  come here.  

An Open Book

My life is an open book because it is just a story...a collection of past experiences, relationships, choices, actions, consequences and external events that led me to this moment. This version of "my" Life is just a way that "Life" is being blown through this little clump of flesh and mind that I call "me". I made a story out of it by putting all the pieces together in some mental narrative.  Why not share it like any author would do when they published? Especially if it can help others to see the insignificance of their own stories? Why not look deeply into the mind and the stories it creates, come to understand the egos disquised as characters that we focus on...why not share its "insignificance" in every way except its ability to open up our eyes to what is really important? Why would I treat my life story  like it was some precious secret that needed protection?  Protection from what? Other stories, other minds are writing?

As long as ego is not gaining anything from it and no other beings get hurt...(Egos may get bruised...ultimately the truth only stings the fragile ego)...I will share what I learn from my story.

It is all good! 

It is important that we share our experiences with other people.Your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody else. When you tell your story, you free yourself and give other people permission to acknowledge their own story. 

Iyanla Vanzant

What Jesus had to say about Anxiety

 

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?[a] And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.  But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:25-34 ESV https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+6%3A25-34%2CLuke+12%3A22-32&version=ESV

Wow!  I have to get back to this one. 

All is well!

From Resistance to Courage

God grant me ......the courage to change the things I can...

 Resistance comes in many layers.  In an attempt to avoid feeling uncomfortable feelings as they arise we may resist them by  squishing them down under other feelings, thoughts or behaviours that are less uncomfortable and easier to handle. So when we feel something we decide we would rather not feel we most of us resist it in one  of  many ways.  We push it down or away ( which  always means it doesn't actually go away but gets stuffed inside).  We then reach  for something else, that is less uncomfortable or painful,  to cover it up with.  Before long, the root cause of our suffering is hidden under layers and layers of resistance. ...and this resistance is made up of many emotions that have been trapped under each layer. 

I realize this is what I did with my present living situation. The root cause of my discomfort here is buried under layers of other "stuff" .  The original pain related to this did not go away with my attempts to resist it.  It has been  bubbling under the surface pushing itself up through each layer.  I knew in order to "let go" to it...I needed to first look at my resistance, notice and then allow the experience of feeling and thought from each layer to pass through me as it was exposed. Despite its very personal nature, I share that layer exposure and  revealing here.  It is a good honest example of what it can look like.  

Layers of resistance and where I am at now:

·         Top Layer of resistance : Blame: As I see an individual I do care about slipping into old behaviours or at least getting to the point it is not being  hidden very well anymore...especially now that this gut instinct has once again made its way to my awareness .…I feel a certain resentment in realizing that all I sacrificed in the last ten months to "help" was not only not beneficial... it was unrecognized,  unappreciated, and used to serve an energy I did not want to serve. (Not that this was done with malicious intent...it is just at this level of unconsciousness, awareness of the rights and needs of others is greatly impaired.) It did not help the cause I was intending to help.  I don't want to feel this resentment and anger inside me  so I resist it . I squish it down and cover it up by pointing a finger and blaming others for my being in a situation that felt so unhealthy for me for such a long time. That’s the top layer of resistance I encounter: a resistance layer of "blame" thrown over the anger and resentment  I don't want to deal with.   

·        The second layer of resistance is built with this idea that I have a right to have  anger towards others. I am actually resisting an anger I have at myself for allowing myself to stay in an unhealthy situation, one where my energy, my space, my time and what I thought was "mine"  was constantly being depleted by others who didn't seem to notice or care. No one out there put me in this  situation...I somehow, because of my desire  to serve and help this person in need;  because of a  core belief that others needs are more important than my own; because of a deep rooted fear of 'not being nice'; because of fear that I might destroy my relationship if I said 'no';  and possibly because of some pathological need to  sabotage my own quest for peace,  agreed to do this.  I allowed this person, who I knew was drowning in this dangerous, unconscious energy,  in my home. (I mean there were some outside pressures and manipulations but truth is...I always had the power to refuse, which I did do a few times throughout this but it kept coming back in [referring to the energy, not the person]).  I  watched myself deny the importance of my own needs, my right to space, respect, cleanliness,  some semblance of domestic order and control, a sense of safety and security  and basic consideration ...over and over again . "Little me" suffered tremendously because of this...I  felt hurt, disappointment, sadness, anger, resentment, grief over what I gave up and what I lost...as well as great frustration upon realizing it was all in vain. When I see what I did to this version of litttle me...I get mad at myself and self-deprecate. How could I allow this to happen to me!Man...I am  still stuck in that unworthiness crap where I  believe I deserve punishment and hardship  in order to pay rent for being on this planet?  Pathetic!  Having this deep rooted stuff 'touched' is a big ouch! Taking ownership of this situation and my feelings also  feels so uncomfortable.  I resist! Being  mad at others and assuming  a victim position in my mind where I convince myself I  have a right to be angry because I was "put in a situation against my will"  helps to distract me into resistance of the deeper feelings. . I rationalize that right by saying I did attempt to assert myself several times, with sit down meetings and requests that turned into 'nagging' and angry demands and eventually into a 'giving up" when the requests were not honored or even "laughed at".  But truth is, I wasn't assertive enough...I said over and over again if the house rules were not followed people would  have to leave...but I didn't follow through. I own that!!!  That is on me!!! Instead of taking ownership for what I have done to me by not being assertive enough to say "No! That is enough.  I can't handle that energy anymore  with everything else I got going on! This is not working for me...we have to make changes!"  it was easier to collect grievances and blame others for  making my life so much more challenging than it had to be. So it was easier to build a case against them and their patterns of behaviours (behaviours I knew I would confront if I agreed to let this energy into my home), instead of accepting the truth about my own responsibility in this. I spent a great dal of energy resisting self directed anger by justifying my victm status in this situation.   So I resisted this anger I had at myself, resisted my ownership in this  with a layer of other directed anger.

·         The third layer: I am using a spiritual disquise to soothe the pain "little me" feels. I seek the  spiritual in all my life circumstance, especially this one.  I am telling myself that what I am losing in terms of space, property, peace, health, time, sense of self care, is "good".  I tell myself losing "me, my, and mine" is part of my spiritual path. I beleive that and this is partially true here...but it is not 100 %  genuine at this point. Ego is still around directing this resistance, using a spiritual disquise  to create another layer of resistance  over uncomfortable feelings I get when I am angry with myself  for my responsibility in  being in this situation. Though my overall intention is to actually “let go” of ego , the “me, my, and mine” in the long run, I am not letting go here because the intention is not purely  spiritual…it is more mental…I realise it is just the mind trying to protect me from  more pain by diminishing and justifying this deep sense of loss as a postive aspect on my spiritual journey.  Thinking it is all "opportunity for growth and expansion"  does alleviate some of  the discomfort so it may have some spiritual benefit but not enough to call it a spiritual practice…It is, at this point, more a form of escape from the uncomfortable..it is another layer of resistance. 

·         The Forth layer: Over compensating and rationalization to resist spiritual shame. I am  resisting the feelings of discomfort,  mostly of shame and guilt,  that arise when despite my spiritual practice of giving, attempting to see only the good in others, providing service, being truly helpful, compassionate and kind,  removing the clinging that comes with ownership etc I  find myself  reacting very negatively  to the unconscious behaviour of others.  I am not only paying attention to it, I am collecting evidence of it and spend periods of time denying the positive and good I do see in this individual...There is some positive energy here as well, and when the other energy is napping I can see it. There has been some progress ...a bit more honesty maybe, refraining from the hard stuff for almost a year, a few attempts made to actively recover and get out there, love and concern for his dad, gentleness around the pets at times ( as long as they are not 'annoying' him) ...When I am in reactive mode, I push those things aside because I want to focus on the negative, to make it a clear case of "right or wrong"... ....which is far from evolved behaviour.  I catch myself watching with some pair of mental binnoculars on my face for evidence of that very unconscious and destructive energy emerging in the form of disrespect, passive aggressive lashing out towards me or others, destruction of property, a sense of entitlement  and I judge it harshly.  I even actively react to it or get verbally angry.  These reactions intensify when I see evidence that what I have offered so far is  not helping…that I am enabling, feeding this negative energy instead of the positive energy within this individual, at cost to my Self or at least to my little self…I hear myself saying “I don’t want this in my life” which fills  me with guilt for being so selfish. I know is is a preference judgement, a clinging and a resistance in itself to what is which I believe I "should not" be doing if I am trying to awaken. So I have an intense feeling of spiritual shame and personal guilt.   I resist that by over compensating and  becoming  more selfless.  I compensate and attempt to redeem myself from this shame by being more self-less.  In some weird way it is like I am  renouncing and sacrificing  my own rights and needs for another and not "judging" this other. It means giving up any semblance of “my home, my space, my peace, my time, my needs”   to this hungry energy that keeps wanting more…telling myself that this “renouncing” of some kind is a spiritual practice that will serve some greater good in the long run.  At the same time I know  it is actually a self  and other destructive practice. What I am doing is not helping him and it is not helping me. In a true spiritual practice we have compassion for all...and self is included in that all, not denied. 

·         The Fifth Layer: Changing the story or at least the characters to cover this knowing I have that what I am offering here is not helpful. Little glimpses of evidence of this unhealthy pattern for me and others, but especially for me, keep coming up. I don't see true change and steps toward recovery. So I ask myself..."Why am I doing this? This is crazy"...I feel like a failure, that I wasted my time and energy trying to help in a situation where my help was not used for the "right" reasons. That is hard to accept...so I resist. I change the story and remove self responsibility from the individuals.  In my mind, I turn them into  victims without the power or know-how needed to choose a better way of  being. I tell myself I can make respond like a martyr by making my mission one of selfless giving to them because the unconsciousness I am noticing is a sign of their need.  Maybe if I become more conscious, it will pull their consciousness up. (There is definitely a spiritual superiority at play, as well)    I will convince myself that this person truly wants to rid self  of this energy and just needs the love and support from others, like myself, to do so. So I resist the reality  of his responsibility in his own life  by changing the story in my mind....they the victim...and me the selfless martyr. Yick!

·         The Sixth Layer: Supression, Repression and Denial the fear and shame. I squish down the feeling, the twisiting in my gut, the memories of past incidents and the evidence that keeps coming up to warn me that we are dealing with a lot more here than meets the eye. I see the lack of remorse, appreciation, of concern.  I see how quickly very empty “thank you”s can turn into rage when someone stands in the way of desires and needs being met. I see the sense of entitlement and the desire to use what I offer  as a safe place to hide in …rather than a  place to heal in. I see the intention  this energy has to grow and its need to be fed by others, overpowering the positive energy in him. It is very painful for me to think that someone could be this unconscious…could lack so much concern for the Life God blessed them with or to be so careless and unconcerned about the well being of others. (Judging, I know! Thinking I am spiritually superior because I landed on a different place on the game board after throwing the dice)  Despite all that...It also scares me.  As I get closer to the root cause of my resistance I notice the fear. There is a fear for my own safety and the safety of others here. There has been since the beginning! This energy has put  this individual and others at risk in all ways. My memory will chirp in and remind  me that I,  and others, were in harm’s way many times before whether it was directly or indirectly related to this energy. I didnèt process through those fearful incidents...I just stuffed them.   I ignored the consequences of such an energy. It is actually a very dangerous type of unconscious energy.  As soon as I say that out loud…I feel the fear.  I tell myself I cannot deal with that with everything else I got going on so I squish it down. I cover it up by  telling myself : I   am judging, creating a monster out of a mouse, being too dramatic.  This supresses the fear but creates more shame. So I  ignore, supress, repress and deny any of the evidence that might pop up in little ways to prove that a destructive and potentially dangerous  energy is simply being fed here. I resist facing my fear  through old practiced defense mechanisms.

·         The seventh Layer:  Ignoring the Gut instinct.  Then as I get closer to the root I see that this all began because I resisted my gut instinct. What my gut instinct was telling me from the beginning was to keep my distance...that  this energy was damaging and poetentially dangerous. "Love and be kind but keep your distance! It is not safe!  "  I resisted my gut instinct because the reality of what it is telling me is too hard to deal with and because it is seldom validated by others. When I tried to express the fear and concern this intuition was bringing up before I always got shot down.  Had a psychiatrist tell me that I basically was wrong for feeling the way I did.  She countered my expressed concerns  with the fact that the individual  was her best patient and I was more or less told he had to come home with me.  I later asserted myself, refused to take him back,  stressing also that he should not go to another loved one’s place…she wasn’t well.  That was ignored…he went there.  Two days later she died.  I took  him back in with a sincere desire to help him with his grief and neurological issues …for a month...just for a month...expressing again and again to outside forces that he is going to get stuck in a comfort zone here... and  many months later we are still here. He has dug so deep into this comfort zone....I don't see an end to this unless I do something! There is no intentions of leaving.  No one else seems to see it or care about this or my powerful gut instinct and what it tends to pick up. So I gave up expressing my fears and concerns …I gave up trusting my gut instinct.  I resisted what it was telling me. I lost hope that things would change. I accepted a life situation that was not good for me. 

Underneath all these layers of resistance in this circumstance is a gut instinct that wants to be heard pushing its way up through all the layers.  It is coming up regardless if I want it to or not. I am willing, however, to let it come up…so I can look deeply into it. 

I may find that it has little validation or, I assume I will find, like I do with most of these feelings, that it does.  Regardless ...I need to heed its message.  I need to realize that is okay to exercise my rights and needs in my own home, to maybe...just for now...put Self first.  The most important mission in my Life right now is to connect and operate from that peaceful center.  Though this might be a wonderful learning platform for a more advanced student...I am obviously not that advanced. I seem to be failing miserably. 

I cannot stress enough...this is not about the person.  Inside the persons involved in this unconscious energy , which is btw basically just the pain body Eckhart Tolle teaches about, is a beautiful perfect being.  I truly believe that and I see that being emerging from time to time.  I do! There is hope and potential for this person to become more evolved! It is just not going to happen here. This , what we are offering, is not helping. 

I really am not like a lot of people either. I need to protect my energy so I can learn, grow and expand.  Because I am so sensitive to the energies of others. I do need to be careful who I am around. 

This sitution is not working for me and that should be enough reason to make change. I do have rights in my own home and I can exercise them. Why give up those rights when I am not helping, possibly enabling an energy, that is self and other destructive , to grow? There is nothing spirtual about that.

I know I focus a lot on the first line of the serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...but I tend to forget the second line . ..the courage to change the things I can. 

Delving into these layers of resistance that are exposing themselves to me is showing me that though accepting what is without resistance is always the  first step...sometimes we need to advance to the next step and change that which can be changed. We can ask for the courage needed to make change with love, compassion and kindness  whenever change is called for. It is called for!

All is well

Outside and Inside Resistance

 

Don't deal with anything outside, until you deal with it inside.

Michael Singer

I am still thinking a great deal about resistance and why it is so important to "let go" and "Let Life" do what it will. In most cases, resistance, is something we want to avoid...or  "let go" of. It is often the main thing in our way of staying open to the  natural, peaceful center within us.  We want to be open to what is, right? Amazing things can happen if we learn to let go of resistance. 

Letting Go of Resistance

We can actually change external circumstances. My finger, which was three times the size of  the one on the other hand on Saturday,  is almost  normal now ,without any intervention what so ever.  There is very little  swelling redness or heat in it.  I was so sure it was going to be an IV antibiotic scrape...it looked (and felt) that bad. Poof! Gone! I can't explain it but I am very happy about it and grateful!! And I can actually bend it lol! 

Not that the finger issue was anything big but it was something I was internally resisting.  I so didn't want to have to go in to ER to get a doctor to look at it. Stress, as we know, affects the immune system. What we resist persists...this idea that my finger may need IV antibiotics...was literally making my finger worse.   I let go of my resistance to the fact that my finger was infected, however,  and made some semblance of peace with the decision  that if it was not somewhat better by Monday, I would go in. In the meantime I told myself  would "let it go".  I mean...I really let it go...out of sight and out of mind. When Monday came  the finger was so much better, and even better still on Tuesday. Wow!  

I also made complete peace with my glasses.  I went in to the office,  told the person there they were not the ones I ordered but that I would accept them if they got adjusted properly and decided to say they are what they are.  When I think about the fact that they were not the ones I picked out and that they were expensive ...I feel nothing in the resistance center of my gut...no twisting and turning...just nothing.  On Friday...the gut was so active over this issue. ...my lack of reaction now tells me the feeling has passed through. 

Transcending Resistance

I know I have transcended the resistance in these areas. I noticed and allowed the experiences and what they had to offer into my life, into my conscious awareness...I allowed the resistance as well and it all just passed through me.  In one situation the external circumstances even changed without me having to do anything. I think that is amazing.

Trying to Deal Inside

It is true.  We need to work on our insides before we deal with the outside. Resistance can indicate that we are closing up internally to selected experiences because they do not meet our preferences, expectations and pleasure centers....because they don't make us feel good inside.  Many times resistance is an indication that we have some stuffed stuff inside that was touched by that which we resist( push away or avoid feeling) whether it be  some person's behaviour, or some circumstance. When we resist we shut down, retract and contract from the flow of Life, instead of letting this energy  just pass through us the way it is meant to . We don't stay open. So in most cases letting go is the answer when we feel the first twinge of resistance.  (With me...it is in my gut). 

Michael Singer stresses that the spiritual path should be one of non resistance, so we should relax and release into everything we encounter. 

But...

Sometimes, we need to deal with what is going on outside...

And this is what I really want to write about. All forms of resistance, I am discovering, are not created equal.  

Gut Feeling Telling Us to Resist Something Out There

Sometimes resistance serves another purpose.  Sometimes it is there to make us listen in what we casually call a gut feeling! Gut feelings, many times , I believe, are a form of resistance to what is when what is is potentially damaging or destructive on our path to peace. Sometimes the blockages to our discovery of Self are affected directly by external energies and not just our reaction to them.  

There are times, maybe, when there are certain external energies on our path that we should not relax and release into, that we should not  let flow through, that we should walk around.  There are energies that originate outside of us that are harmful to our bodies, psyches and all that which surrounds the peaceful center. An angry Grizzly Bear is just an angry Grizzly...neither good or bad...just a bear being a bear but that doesn't mean one doesn't get out of its way when it ends up on our path. Usually we get a good strong resistance feeling when we encounter that energy that says "Move!". .

The Root of Resistance

I believe, as I spoke about in my last few entries, I am encountering that energy.  Right where I am now, I believe,  provides a perfect example of a very tricky Life lesson brought on by encountering this type of  resistance. Now when I look into this , I see layers and layers of resistance over some buried stuff related to a deeper more authentic form of resistance, the root of all this,  that I believe is my gut instinct.  When I strip all the  other layers of resistance away I see I am confronting this dark, unconscious energy in another and I am being told to resist it, not to let it in. 

So I take that pure inner declaration that comes from a place I cannot see or explain and try to apply concepts to it so I understand what I am suppose to do with  it on teh spiritual level. I am asking "Do I allow it and  let go to it in hope that it passes through me without doing too much damage to the exterior me that isn't really me anyway or do I resist it by saying : "No!I don't want this in me" because it itself can not only directly take me from peace but it can do and has done damage? 

Without the many layers of outer resistance to this resistance that I have been seeing through, I notice it in my experience now.  I see how it has impacted my life over the last ten months...how I reacted to it with supression, repression, avoidance, denial etc...placing one layer of resistance on top of the other....only to have the deepest core resistance push its way to the surface again and again.  It wants to be heard!  So I can look at this gut feeling now. I even allow it now ...I allow it all ....but the question is ...do I allow it to go any further within me. I hear "No!" from my gut instinct.  

 I still need to relax and release into what is, remove judgement, expectation and  a need to know what will happen from my experience and allow it to just be. ...for now.  That is always the most important  first step. Then I unravel one layer of resistance at a time...sit with it...let it flow through me. ...using my gut twisting to indicate if it has passed through or not.  When I can sit with all that I was resisting without feeling the gut twist with a need for more resistance...then I will know it passed through.  Then I can continue with the inspired action needed to make change in a loving, clear headed and peaceful way that will benefit all in the end.

Okay...I know what I have to do. And in this case resistance is telling me I have to do something.

All is well!