We love best when we do not love out of desperation.
Leonard Price

I desperately want to understand human relationships in terms of what is healthiest for us and for the world at large.  I want to look at romantic love or what A Course in Miracles refers to as "The special relationship" and compare it to real love.  I have been reading and researching most of the morning so I am hoping I am not too tired to get into  a natural wave of free flow thought. Only one way to find out. So here we go....

Bursting the Bubble on Romance

We have all watched, with anticipation, as the hero on the big screen  bends his handsome  head down to kiss the beautiful heroine.  At the moment their lips touch,  the music in the background escalates signifying that their struggle is finally over and a happy ending is foretold..  We may  experience those same  butterflies of expectation and hope when the guy or gal of our dreams looks our way. 

We wonder if they will call, and if the call will lead to a date, and that date to a long term relationship equipped with k-i-s-s-i-n-g in some proverbial tree as we eventually look down to see ourselves  walking by with a baby carriage. Many of us  begin fantasizing about our weddings when we are mere children, looking forward to the day when our dreams will all come true. 

Through a long awaited intertwining with a special person, we will become whole and once we are whole we will be free of pain forever.  Well maybe not forever...or completely.

We know romantic love is full of turmoil and unpredictability.  We even assume that it is supposed to be...that's what makes it more exciting.  We read about the roller coaster ride  of passion in novels and poetry.  We hear the twangs of downward falls that accompany lost love over the radio waves.  And we get lost in  the thrilling upward  climbs in the honeymoon periods of our own new relationships.

Love is a fun,  game of chance that promises  if we win, we will find pure joy and happiness.  Most importantly, it tells us,  we will be saved from ourselves. We become addicted to the promise of freedom it offers. It is a pursuit  we are more than willing to risk our whole mental life  of peace on.

After all, the world is a scary place, void of safety, meaning and purpose for too many of us.  We do not want to be alone in it.  We feel lost,  broken and incomplete...we need someone or something outside ourselves to fill in the holes. We want a reason to live. We seek refuge in the romantic love the poets and songwriters write about. 

Price, an American Buddhist Monk,writes that most of us , "longing for authentic and moving experience, turn to the vision of the "lover," that source of wonder, joy, and transcendence, who, it is thought, must be pursued and if captured perfected and if perfected then enjoyed forever — or until some other lover lights up the horizon." (2005,par 9)  We find ourselves on a mission to seek and find a person who can fix our brokenness.

 

 We are told that we may not always win in love but we should not give up trying to find that "one" perfect person who fits us like a puzzle piece, convinced that when that happens everything will be okay. We hear the pain of lost love echoed through music and song but it does not deter us.  We see people breaking up, getting divorced, yelling obscenities at each other or even killing for the sake of love or its end but we still believe that type of love...is the only thing that will save us.

Besides if it hurts that bad to lose it, how good it will feel to own it? We, as human beings, have been conditioned to believe that , "Love, or possibly the myth of love, is the first, last, and sometimes the only refuge of uncomprehending humanity." (Price, 2005, para 3). 

Are we uncomprehending, when it comes to this version of love we use?  I believe so.  I believe romantic love differs dramatically from real Love which is the only type of love that will save us. Real Love is of spirit.  Romantic love is of the ego. One is based on wholeness and completion; the other is based on an idea that we are separate, incomplete and alone.  One is truth; the other is illusion.  One brings peace; the other brings unfulfilled anticipation and grief amongst its few happy and excited moments. One is permanent and eternal; one is temporary and conditional. Hmmm! 

 

The Illusion of Romantic Love

 

According to Arenson(2013), Price(2005) and A Course in Miracles our idea of love is a twisted version of  real Love.  In this twisted, distorted, egoic version... love is a desperate craving for something that we will never be able to truly attain by this means.  Romantic love  can never sustain us because it arises from our fear of being alone with ourselves. 

Anything that comes from fear will breed more fear.  Fear is of the ego and the ego wants to use whatever ploy it can to keep us from knowing the truth of who we really are. We somehow forgot who we are and from Whom we came and that sense of separation leaves gapping holes in our beingness.  We feel anxiety, pain, grief , hatred and fear.  Ego tells us we just  need something that will lift us up from this painful perception.  It tells us  we will find it in a special relationship. We listen and we believe.

 

What ego doesn't tell us is that our seeking of some special other, like all seeking and craving in the physical world, is a thirst that will never be truly quenched.  It is an attachment to something that will not end the suffering we want it to end, it will only cause more.  It will not ground us and keep us stable because this type of love is always changing.  It will not serve and protect us no matter what because it is very conditional.

In short, we won't get what we want from this type of love...just more longing and craving. “So powerful, so insistent is it that we seldom notice that the gratification is rare and the craving relentless. Love is mostly in anticipation; it is an agony of anticipation; it is an ache for a completion not found in the dreary round of mundane routine." (Price,2005,par 7)

 

Romantic love is simply an illusion.  It isn't real.  Ego feeds us with fear and hate which are also illusions but we believe them to be true so we cling to the only plausible route of  salvation ego offers ...the special relationship.  Yet, it really doesn't save us.  

According to, A Course in Miracles, "The special love relationship is an attempt to limit the destructive effects of hate finding a haven in the storm of guilt.  It makes no attempt to rise above the storm, into the sunlight.” (ACIM, T:16:IV:3:1-2). 

We want safety.  We want freedom from these awful emotions we are tricked into believing we are destined to feel.  We want the sunlight.  So we seek out a special partnership, to fix it all and to give us what we want.   But it really doesn't fix it all, does it?

It doesn't fix it because it is only an illusion.  It isn't real. We will not escape the illusion of hate with this illusion of love.   “The special love partner is acceptable only as long as he serves this purpose[creating and maintaining a place of safety]. Hatred can enter, and indeed is welcome in some aspects of the relationship, but is  still held together by the illusion of love.  If the illusion goes, the relationship is broken or becomes unsatisfying on the grounds of disillusionment.(ACIM, T:16:IV:3:5-7)

 

What is Real Love?

 

Real Love is of the Spirit , of the now and it does not cause pain.   It is the permanent and real truth that brings peace.  (Arenson, 2013)  “How can real love devastate you when real love is the absence of superficial egoic needs, the absence of falsehood, and all real love is the presence, and the present? With love, there can be emptiness, but no feeling of emptiness”. (Par 9)

 

Love is a real  love of Self without hatred, fear  and guilt. "For love is wholly without illusion, and therefore wholly without fear.” (ACIM, T:16:IV:11:9)

 

Real Love is found within. “If you seek love outside yourself you can be certain that you perceive hatred within, and are afraid of it.  Yet peace will never come from the illusion of love, but only from its reality.” (ACIM; T: 16: IV: 6: 5-6)

 

Real Love is whole and complete within itself.  Though we can  deceive ourselves of its true meaning, it  is our true nature so there is no escaping it. The search for love is, "Ceaselessly searching for the ultimate feeling of completion. That which is searched for exists already within." (Arenson, 2013)  We need to turn our eyes from the outer world and let them rest on the inner world where Love is bountiful and sure.

 

 

 

                                                   

So Now That We Know the Difference....

 

 

 

So now that we know the difference between real and romantic love what do we do?  Break up with our partner, join a Buddhist monastery and forsake all romantic relating?

No...healthy and mature romantic love can offer much joy to our lives.  We do not forsake it unless we are committed to getting completely  beyond the confines of all physical world attachments in search of the higher glory (what the Buddhists might call Nirvana/nibbana, and the Christians... "a full devotion to Christ".) 

Most of us won't take it that far which is a beneficial thing for the growth and  survival of our species.  We do not have to forsake our committed and intimate relations with  others in search of  enlightenment. 

As much as I wish to wake up fully and consciously, I won't do that at this point in my life...because I love my present partner and I want him in my life.  Besides, I do not look good in orange :) . 

We do need to give up...we just need to wake up.  We need to look at these relationships in a different and healthier way while we seek the Real Love that our partners cannot give us but that we can share with them once we find it.  

Once we realize what real love is we seek it by going within.  We detach from our desperation and our need for others to fill us by knowing they can't and most importantly, they do not need too.  We are already complete and whole. We do not need to end the  relationships we are in but we do not need to depend on them to be what they can't be, either...external things that save us from ourselves.

If we are not in such a partnership at the present time...we look with gratitude at where we are at, knowing  we can use that time to embrace solitude.  We can go inward to the source of all things and learn to love ourselves by knowing who we really are and from Whom we came.  Once we find that we will be able to detach from our desperate need to find someone to fill us up.  We will know we are already full and complete.  Every relationship we approach from that point on will be healthy and mature based on the desire  for Real Love over romance.  We give up the  desperate need for an external fix. We learn to love better.

 

According to (Arenson, 2013), "The only remedy for love is to love better." (para 14).  How do we love better?

We remove this notion of specialness from ourselves and from those we choose. We love all.  We love without ego.  We remember who we are and from Whom we came. 

Then, we love without fear and we love without desperation. "When we lean hard, out of passion, we will fall hard — such is the nature of attachment. But when we do not lean, when instead we stand upright with an eye to the heights, then the love we bestow flows out of us without weakening us, like a superabundance of vigor. This is metta — loving-kindness devoid of selfishness." (Arenson, 2013,para 15) 

Real Love is metta - loving kindness devoid of selfish ego need and craving.  It is the one thing that will save us.

All is well in my world.

 

 

 

 

References

Arenson, D. (2013) The True Meaning of Love from a Buddhist Perspective. Mind-Body-Green.  Retrieved from  https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-7740/the-true-meaning-of-love-from-a-buddhist-perspective.html

Foundations for Inner Peace . (2007) Text. A Course in Miracles: Combined Volume, Third Edition. Mill Valley, CA: Foundations for inner Peace.

Price, L. (2005).  Nothing Higher to Live for : A Buddhist View of Romantic Love.  Access to Insight. Retrieved from http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/price/bl124.html

 

Ego says, " Once everything falls into place, I will feel peace." Spirit says, "Find your peace and then everything will fall into place."
Marianne Williamson

Peace of mind is the one thing in life I long for more than anything else. 

Oh I get mixed up sometimes.  I listen to ego too often and get all twisted around by its promises.  "Get your health back...and then peace will come.  Get some money in your accounts and pay your bills...then you will have peace of mind.  Get that book published...and then you will know what peace really is. Get perfect at meditation...and peace will be your stepping stone for more."

So I start thinking peace will be the reward for doing more; for putting all my energy into fighting my body...for working harder...for focusing more on submitting than writing new stuff...and for  making a mediation practice a chore I try to perfect everyday. Peace will come sometime in the future when I got my life in order....when I have health, money, recognition, and the perfect meditation practice.

Wow!  I don't have these things right now. My life is not in order according to the ego...so there will be no peace.  Or will there?

When I stop to think though...I mean when I sit in stillness without thinking lol...I hear Spirit and I come to know that peace can be experienced now, peace is meant to be experienced now.

I just need to close my eyes, shut out the external world and concentrate on my breath.  Peace. 

I just need to open my eyes and my mind to the world that is happening around me right now, right here and peace can be found. 

I just need to tell myself that my thoughts are not who I am and attempt to gently get beyond them.  Every time I watch them walk by my psyche  when my eyes are closed without attachment...I experience peace.

 I  can find peace in my very imperfect meditation practice.  I am still struggling to get a comfortable position that doesn't cause back strain and puts me in the alignment all our bodies are meant to be in so I can truly  "relax" and stay alert at the same time...but...I still meditate.  I still go to a place where peace can be found for 20 minutes twice a day.  I know as I perfect this...it will get better and deeper...but for now I am finding some peace...so it is all good. 

It is all good now. If I put more energy into finding peace now than I do into trying to get the help I need physically, trying to get more money by working harder, submitting rather than writing (writing brings me peace) and seeing meditation as something I need to do perfectly ...then I would discover that peace is where it always was.  I just need to tap into it and I will have what I really want.  If everything else turns around for the best because of it...so be it.  What I really want though is peace now!

All is well in my world.

Where flowers bloom so does hope.
Lady Bird Johnson

Slept poorly last night and awoke early drenched in sweat ( oh the life of a perimenopausal woman lol).  It is all good.  I got up and did yoga and then I meditated for 20 minutes ( or I tried to...the dogs had other ideas for me :))

I am trying to make the best use of my time and energy, considering them both potentially or actually limited in the physical sense.  So I try to spend each section of my day mindfully, asking myself these questions before I embark on a task or activity,

"Is this the best use of my time and energy?  If I only had today left, would I spend it doing this?  If this depletes my physical energy , will it be worth it? "

Yesterday I gardened which I have not done in soooo long.  The answer to each of the above questions was a resounding yes. Gardening is a great use of time and energy...because when I have my hands in the soil, I am doing something that not only brings joy to me but reflects the  joy of  life.  Planting new things that will make the world more beautiful, attract and sustain more bees and butterflies ( my primary objective) and carry on long after I am dust...is a great use of time and what I have left of oompf.  I am outdoors.  I am actively using my body which I so love to do.  I am literally elbow deep into nature lol feeling life under my fingertips as it crawls or creeps away from my prying hands. 

If I only had one day left I would want to plant and maintain new life...leave something behind for my children and for this world.  I would want to do my small part in ensuring that a species of insects that are so vital to sustaining this planet are given an opportunity to carry on. So yeah...gardening is a great use of my time and a worthy last day on earth activity.  :)

 Shouldn't we all be thinking and acting like it is our last day on earth so we are more conscious of how we are spending each moment and so we make each task a worthwhile one?

Gardening does deplete my physical energy.  I squat in front of raised flower beds and I try not to pull or lift or those types of things that bring on symptoms...but heck, I never succeed lol.  I end up doing what I do with every task I take on with my overly focused  and determined mind...I give it all I got regardless of the cries from my body.  Most times, I literally do not hear more than a whimper until I have accomplished what I set out to accomplish.  Then I feel it.  After an hour of weeding one flower bed that was in urgent need of care...I was completely wiped.  I wouldn't finish until it was all done and then I had to go in and lay down on my zero gravity patio lounger D. bought for me when my back was out, that I placed in the middle of my living room floor  (pretty lol),  and I was out like a light.

I also went back out to the garden in the evening.  My daughter went to the garden center for me to buy me more soil and some perennial's.  Together we planted those while nature swarmed around our heads and bit into our flesh.  I have not felt so alive in a long time. I was determined and we planted what we wanted to plant.  I felt so much accomplishment when I was done despite how exhausted I was.  I felt I used my time and my body in the way God intended...so what were a few symptoms. My energy was definitely depleted but it was all worth it. 

Now it is raining.  I won't have to water or do anything but let nature take care of the new additions to our yard.  Whatever happens, happens. I can just sit back and watch the fruits of our labour materialize before us in blossom, bloom, butterflies and bees.  How cool is that?

All is well in my world.

That which comes and goes, rises and sets, is born and dies is the ego.  That which always abides, never changes and is void of qualities is the Self.
Ramana Maharshi

Sin?

All bad qualities center around the ego. When ego is gone, Realization results by itself.  There are neither good or bad qualities in the Self.  The Self is free from all qualities. Qualities pertain to the mind only.
Ramana Maharshi (early 20th century Indian Sage and guru)

Questioning

Still on the kick of understanding what temptation, our tempters and sin really is from a broader more universal standpoint than the one I was brought up on.  I go against everything I was brought up to believe even in my questioning.  If my parents were still alive they would be packing me a lunch or an overnight bag and sending me off to the nearest confessional where they would expect me to be for quite some time. Still here I am...questioning and wondering.  "Bless me Father for I have sinned.  It has been much, much too long since my last confession....  I question everything I was brought up to believe.  I am looking outside the church for answers."  How many Hail Mary's do you think that would get me? Still I ask: What is sin; what is the "evil"  tempter and what is temptation?

 

What is Sin?

 

Religion as the Interpreter

 

Most of us would answer that question with, "That's easy...Sin is the breaking of the Ten Commandments; it is going against the pillars of Islam; It's what Hindu's and Buddhists call the  defilement: killing anything, stealing, being unfaithful in marriage or partnership; lying or being inauthentic and using intoxicants.  Simple right...sins are clearly labelled and the rules are there. Sins are "bad", "wrong", "evil" behaviours or qualities that our religions help us to avoid, right?   Is it that simple?

Is There a Simpler Way to Understand Sin?

In a way I think it is and in a way I think it isn't.  Sin is probably a very simple concept to understand under a very complicated judgment offered by religiosity.  I think it can be looked at in a more simpler way.  Let's try to simplify it. 

I believe that sin is anything  that is unhealthy to our knowing the Self.

What is the Self?  In the quote above the Self is something that is free of all qualities, that is not effected by thought form and judgment; that cannot be labelled as good or bad...that just is. 

Say what, crazy lady? 

The Self

The Self is who we really are beneath our bodies, minds and personalities. 

The Self is spirit, soul, the Observer,  true beingness, the One,  Source, energy Life, Love or God...whatever way you want to label it. 

Self is who we really are.  It is what moves us, allows the blood to pump through our vessels and  the air to be breathed in through our lungs.  It is the force that allows the flower to push through the frozen earth in spring time; that sets the sun and that moves the tide. 

The Self is the One thing that we all share. It is beyond mental judgment and the labelling of qualities.  It is everything all at once...so there is no good or bad, right or wrong in the Self.  We prescribe those qualities to things outside the Self using our minds. 

It is our minds that see and understand sin...not the Self.

Sin: An Obstacle to Knowing Self

 

What we call sin is only that which is unhealthy on our journey to Knowing the Self.  It is that which stands in the way or slows down our progress. 

What we call sin will never harm the Self...the Self is beyond that.  It will just harm us in our ability to get back home to where we belong.

The Self is reflected in humanity, all humanity...it is reflected in the universe, the entire universe.  If I harm another; kill a living being or steal from the earth( that which we may prescribe to as sin under a religious pretext) I am delaying my progress to knowing who I really am.  Because part of me is the thing I harmed, the thing I killed, the part of the earth I destroyed. It is an unhealthy behaviour and having the desire or the inclination that I have a right to do such things is an unhealthy quality.
 
It is All Relative

 Bad or good; right or wrong are not relevant here...these judgments can change from one religion to the next, one culture to the next, one situation to the next...so it may not be universal. 

Sin is not universal...but our progress is.  If one of us delays the progress...we are all delayed.  Sin then is simply an unhealthy thought, feeling or behavioural choice that leads man away from knowing who he truly is and from Whom he came. That simple.

 

We believe in sin.  Why?  According to ACIM, The belief in sin is an adjustment.  And an adjustment is a change; a shift in perception, or  belief that was so before has been made different.  Every adjustment is therefore a distortion, and calls upon defenses to uphold it against reality.(III:1: 1-3)

We have come to believe in sin, changing the truth we know deep down to be true, and we work diligently at defending this belief.  How do we do that?  We create evil doers and evil tempters in our mind.

 

Who are the Tempters?

 

Christians are brought up to believe that the tempter is the devil.  Hindus are brought up to believe, possibly, that the tempter is Mara.  We personify temptation into a form we can understand but what is it really? 

Ego as the Tempter

I have come to believe that our tempter is our ego...just that....a frightened part of human identity that we created, in our minds, to defend our belief in sin...in separation from God.

Ego wants us to identify with it, not the Self.  It derives from fear and it breeds fear.  What better way to induce fear than to create frightening demons. 

Ego rationalizes sin because it knows "sin" keeps us from reaching the Knowledge of  Self/Spirit that we seek ( whether we consciously know we are seeking or not).  What better way to rationalize our unhealthy behaviour than to call it sin and say "The Devil made me do it!" Ego wants us to cling to this belief.  It knows without it...it will perish under the truth of who we really are.

 

The real tempter is ego.  It is ego that tricks us and manipulates us into believing things it wants us to believe for its own selfish gains.  It is ego that leads us to attack others, kill living things, steal, collect, hold onto greedily the materials of this world.   It encourages us to feel hate and anger, resentment and shame.  Ego wants this because it wants us afraid enough to depend on it for salvation...and it sees that the only way we will adhere to its own twisted rules is if we are afraid. 

Sin and tempters lead us to fear. Ego is our tempter but it offers no real salvation...just momentary pleasure if anything.  salvation will only come if we get beyond temptation from our tempter.

 

 

What is Temptation?

 

Illusion and Distraction of the Outside World is Temptation

 

Temptation is the momentary reprieve ego offers us from the suffering,  fear and destruction it gets us to believe is real. 

Temptation is ego's promise of salvation.  "If you succeed at this at all costs...you will feel better."  "If you stand up for what is yours at all costs you will be righteous."  "If you take, collect and own all you can from this world...you will be stronger and more powerful."  "The world is a scary place and you are basically all alone in it...do the best you can to make it better for yourself...at all costs."

 It encourages us to think thoughts that take us away from Self and focus on the little self...thoughts about how sinful we are; how alone we are; how awful the world is; how we need to constantly protect ourselves from others, how getting ahead is everything etc. 

t encourages us to feel things that harm us in the long run like anger, jealousy, resentment, greed, lust, shame, worry, anxiety, guilt etc etc. 

It encourages us to make choices that take us away from Stillness, solitude and the road that will take us home.  It brings our focus away from the spiritual to the physical and material and tells us that this is all there is so we should make the most of it. 

It's temptation is based on the need to take us away from the truth.

 

What is Salvation then?

 

Salvation comes with getting beyond our thinking to our being who we really are. 

It comes with recognizing ego's hold on us and the illusions of reality it provides. 

It comes with recognizing that it is an illusion and forgiveness.

It comes with choosing another way of seeing. 

Salvation is setting forth, once again, on the road to truth.  That simple.  Imagine!

 

All is well in my world. 

 





References

Foundation for Inner Peace(2007) A Course in miracles: Combined Volume (Third Edition).  Mill Valley, CA: Foundations For Inner Peace.

We have forgotten the age old fact, that God speaks chiefly through dreams and visions.
Carl Jung

It is raining again.  I had a dream that it was raining and I was growling D. for leaving the sun roof open.  I woke up and sure enough the sun roof was open.  I didn't growl though...that was all taken care of in my dream state lol.

I am a lucid dreamer.  I do not know exactly what that means other than the fact that I  know I am dreaming in my dreams. 

Last night I noticed a bunch of my children's old clothes...the ones they wore when they were small in an old blue Samsonite suitcase I used to have.  I said to myself at that point, "Oh the kids are small in this dream...cool!...I can't wait to see them small again."  I woke up before I saw them. 

I can change the direction of my dreams as well...or make important decisions in them.  I force myself to stand up to the monsters and demons hiding or lurking about telling myself...their obscure presence just symbolizes my fear and if I want to heal I need to confront my fears.  So I walk in the direction of the dark corners I know where the thing I am afraid of is hiding....the dreams usually change after that and become something safe and pleasant.  I seldom actually encounter the demon, the monster, the person of my past...my willingness to confront seems to be enough to make them go away.

I can also wake myself up.  This is tricky though...sometimes I get stuck between stages of sleep where I am paralyzed and I can't move.  Something tries to pull me back into dream state but I resist, knowing in my heart that I shouldn't go back...that I must wake myself up and I have to fight with all my might to get my body to move enough so I can roll over on my side ( I am always on my back when this happens). Once I am over...I awaken.  I don't like when this happens so I make it a point not to sleep on my back as much as I can help it.

Other significant things happen within me my dreams that I won't share here.

Dreams are powerful tools that can help us heal from things we are not even aware are broken.

  Dreams are windows to what is going on in our subconscious minds where beliefs are securely rooted. 

I think, like Jung did, that we can do a lot with dreams. If we want to change the way we think maybe we need to tap into our dream worlds to determine what it is we truly believe.

I would like to research and understand more ( actually have plans to write a book about preparing for this state of healing...so many plans lol). It is a fascinating subject, don't you think?

All is well in my world.

On Understanding Temptation

One who subdues the wandering mind, which strays far and wide, alone, bodiless, will be freed from the bonds of temptation.
Buddha

As I was telling you, I am watching the Saga of Buddha on Netflix and I am fascinated by Buddha's life story.  After watching yesterday's episode I found myself a little confused about Buddha's temptation.  So many questions arise.

It is depicted so similarly to Christ's temptation as He travelled for forty days in the dessert...yet I am wondering if that is the result of  Christian influence over the years or  vice versa.  Is there similarity between the two for reasons that should be obvious but aren't? How do the two temptations connect or do they?  

I am wondering what version of Buddha's time below the Bodhi tree, to believe as I research through history, scripture and literature. Depiction of this temptation  changes so much from one interpretation to the next, one culture to the next and one venue of expression to the next.

Who is Mara/Maara and what does he and his three daughters represent?

What was Buddha (and Christ) really overcoming when they overcame the temptations?

 I like to think this through logically...so there are three questions I want answered:

1. Is Mara the Christian version of the devil and if so what does such a demon really  represent to humanity?
2. Why do similar temptations happen to spiritual and divinely determined  leaders as they transcend from mere human limitations? 
3. What can someone raised on the meaning of Christ's temptation learn from Buddha's temptation?

 

 

Who is Mara?

In the Netflix series, Mara comes to the Buddha -to-be as he is meditating in his attempt to become enlightened under the Bodhi tree.  He comes to him in a grotesquely distorted human form of Siddhartha himself with horns on his head and trailing smoke and fire (sound familiar?) and calls himself the God of Temptation. 

He attempts to tempt Buddha into giving up his mission by introducing him to his three beautiful ghostly daughters: Wish, Distraction and Passion (I can't remember for sure if that is how they were named).  Buddha is not tempted and remains steadfast on his journey toward enlightenment.  

Is this an accurate depiction of Mara according to scripture?  Who is he really? 

Mara, according to Garuge (2013) has been depicted by translating scholars as many things over the years.   In the earliest translations, Maara was viewed not as a demon but the God of Love and throughout historical changes  he was demonized as the God of desire, the God of death, the God of earthly things, the Lord of drought, the Lord of the sensual realm, the God of temptation and so on and so on ( Garuge, 2103; O'Brien,2016; Kingsley, 1888; The Buddha's Victory, 1991).

According to the Pali sutras as referred to in The Buddha's Victory there is, however,  a more literal interpretation of these events and of Mara himself.  Mara is described a s a demi god, a son of god which could be interpreted as a personification of death and destruction of material and non material things due to five defilements (or what we Christians would refer to as sins): craving, aversion, ignorance, conceit and distraction(1991).

Mara, then, like the devil was to Christ...offers temptation to take Buddha off the spiritual path and into mental weakness...again what we Christians' call sin. Buddha like Christ overcomes these temptations. I believe from my reading...that Christians have a much more literal interpretation of the Temptor than Buddhists do. 

In the Pali interpretation of Buddhism, these temptations are believed to occur only in our minds and are in a sense a creation of our own mental state.  By controlling the mind we can control the Mara.  Fear can be overcome and one can gain control of these forces "little by little". (The Buddha's victory, 1991) Mara will become nothing but flowers and dust.

Evil is so personified in Christianity, however, ...that it is seen as something outside the self and not within human capacity to control. Evil is personified in the form of a being known as the devil.  And the devil is just as real as God is and to be feared as such. Such personified fear is definitely based on death and destruction. I personally like the Buddhist interpretation better.

 

Why the Temptation?

 

In the search for salvation of mankind and enlightenment spiritual leaders are tempted.  Why? 

What force wants to direct these leaders away from their altruistic goals and into selfishness, mental destruction and sin?

By leading them away...in a sense all of mankind is lead away. Why do Mara or the devil want this?

  This is going to take more thought for sure but right away I wonder about the "ego" and its need to control our lives.  The ego lives by the defilements, does it not? 

It sees the need for us to cling to the virtues of  fear, death and destruction to survive. If we are able to turn temptation of riches and. power and glory down as Christ had done or to get beyond our cravings, aversions, ignorance, conceit and distraction are we not getting past our egos?

Is victory over temptation simply getting beyond our egos to know who we really are?  Could it be that simple? 

No...though it sounds simple, it isn't simple.  It is a slow arduous process to get above our egos.  The Buddha had to overcome cravings through tranquility; aversion through friendliness and compassion; ignorance through wisdom, conceit through selflessness and distraction through awareness and mindfulness.

Our human limitation is our ego and it is not easy to overcome. "Tranquillity, friendliness, compassion, and so on do not just appear – not even when one is seated beneath the Bodhi tree! They have to be developed" (The Buddha's Victory, 1991).

 

What can one learn from the Buddha's Victory over Temptation

 

Regardless of what religious sect we come from; what we have been taught or conditioned to believe we can all learn from The Buddha's victory over temptation. 

Though we may never reach the heights of greatness and compassion that the Buddha and Christ have reached we can all strive for that love for humanity. 

We can all strive to get beyond the limitations and temptations ego provides us.  We can all strive to see beyond the false grandeur of the physical world to what is really important.

We can all strive to be better human beings one drop at a time. 

All is well in my world.

References

Guruge, A.(Nov 2013) The Buddha's Encounters with Mara the Tempter: Their Representation in Literature and Art. Access to Insight(Legacy Edition).  Retrieved from http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/guruge/wheel419.html

Kingsley, W. L. (1888...[yes 1888 lol]) Light of Asia and Light of the World. New Englander and Yale Review,49,page 33. Retrieved from https://books.google.ca/books?id=E-g6AQAAMAAJ&pg=PA33&lpg=PA33&dq=Buddha%27s+temptation+in+comparison+to+Christ%27s&source=bl&ots=XCuJiDrqew&sig=oLTHdS_Q33WeT_fG50maqJbVNYE&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjL6cj40pLUAhXLx4MKHfn8D5MQ6AEIRjAI#v=onepage&q=Buddha's%20temptation%20in%20comparison%20to%20Christ's&f=false 

O'Brien, B. (March 2016) The Demon Mara: The Demon Who Challenged the Buddha. Thought Co. Retrieved from https://www.thoughtco.com/the-demon-mara-449981

 

The Buddha’s Victory: Sangharakshita. (1991)Windhorse Publications.  Retrieved from http://www.sangharakshita.org/_books/buddhas-victory.pdf

The Temptations of the Buddha and  Christ (n.d.) Archetypal Spirituality. Retrieved from https://archetypalspirituality.org/groups/myths/the-temptations-of-the-buddha-and-christ/

 

 

 

 

This is my simple religion.  There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy.  Our own brain; our own heart is the temple; the philosophy is kindness.
Dalai Llama

I have a wicked camera.  This was shot going 110 klicks an hour ( I wasn't driving lol). It was shot three weeks ago...imagine...that same spot will be twice as green and  twice as alive now.  All those poplar, maple and birch trees will be bursting with new life now.  The grass would be vibrant and green.  How quickly the world changes and how amazing it all is.  Just observing this beauty is a religious ritual...is it not?

Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon and the truth.
Buddha

This morning I hear not the sad call of the Mourning Dove but the joyous whistling of the Robins.  How beautiful they sound on a rainy morning in May.  It is like they are singing in gratitude for their blessings as the rain draws up the bounty to the surface of the earth.  If I close my eyes all I can hear is their happy song of praise. If only we could all be so aware and grateful for the blessings that are being shown to us all the time...like the simple music nature provides if we only take the time to listen.

I am watching an amazing series on Netflix...the Saga of Buddha. It is in Hindustani, I assume. (  I haven't got a clue) and is subtitled but one forgets the subtitles pretty quickly lol.  I am so enthralled by the life of this man, this sage, this leader of men. I know it is a drama but I see the history in it as I learn about Northern India in the 500 years proceeding Christ. I see the founder of Buddhism in a new light because of this little series.  I see the waking up process taking place in the King of  waking up lol and it is inspiring. I know it is a drama and there may be some discrepancy in historical data but it has me captivated.  I love to learn about spiritual leaders.  I love to see such kindness and compassion in a human being who will lead other human beings down the same path.  :) Isn't that a role we should all take on?

I must be on a mission to understand more about Buddhism.  The movie we selected randomly last night to watch...after my Netflix binge on Buddha...was Seven Years in Tidbit...imagine?

Anyway...I am raving this morning.  My head is full of so many things.  It is all good though.

All is well in my world.

Just imagine becoming the way you used to be as a very young child, before you understood the meaning of any word, before opinions took over your mind. The real you is loving, joyful and free.  The real you is just like a flower, just like the wind, just like the ocean, just like the sun.
Don Miguel Ruiz (Author of the Four Agreements)

Imagine that.  Imagine being free of the good and not so good opinion of others like we were as children.  Back then in those early, early years of our development we were oblivious to other opinion, were we not?  We knew who we were without the need to think it or use words to describe it. Words and thoughts can get in the way of our beingness, can they not?  

Other opinion and our own limited ego opinion prevent us from realizing who we really are.  Have I said that enough?  I know...I know...I keep trying to wrap up this focus on relating to others but I guess...I still haven't said what I wanted to say...still didn't express myself enough.  I still do not feel the relief  I feel when I have succeeded at making a point...usually to myself in a way that clears a path for me to go forward.

I am struggling personally to get beyond other opinion right now and though I feel like I have grown so much and accomplished so much...I have a difficult time with dealing with negative opinion especially if it affects me in such an enormous way as this does...especially if it interferes with my ability to get well. The fact that the opinion is based...not on truths...but on unfair assumption and judgments about me that are unfounded...should make it easier .  In some ways it does.  Yet here I am stuck in the mud of other judgment.  Why?

When I realize that I am being judged by another I usually mentally put myself through this quick process:

• I clarify that negative judgments are indeed being made and that it isn't just in my head and my own distorted perception of the situation.  I spend time here evaluating the circumstances.  I examine if I am overreacting.  Where am I at the moment...emotionally?  Am I feeling insecure enough to assume negativity towards me when there is none?  Am I actually attacking myself here? Is Shamer playing tricks with my head again? Is it creating drama?  Do I catch myself wanting to stay in self pity and looking for reasons to do so?  How do I speak to others about this ( usually indicates if I am in drama mode or not lol) ?  If I determine that it isn't all my paranoia or distorted perception...I ask, "What evidence do I have that I am being judged unfairly? " I will confront the individuals if need be to seek more clarification.
• Once I decide that ...it is happening I ask myself, how much does it matter?  How much will this other opinion affect my life? If it matters little...meaning that the person's opinion is not that important to me anymore and that it is easy for me to walk away without consequences...  I let it go. The consequences I speak of are those that go beyond the ego.  The ego is going to be stung by even the most minor of negative opinion and inflamed it will push  me to be offended and stay stuck...But beyond ego is where I try to go so I know just how valuable or inconsequential this opinion really is.  If I cannot walk away without consequence or if the person 's opinion is valuable to me...I proceed to the next step.
• I seek the truth in the judgement or the opinion and I take accountability for it.  There will always be a morsel of truth, at least, in every judgment.  What is the truth in what they are saying or thinking?  Have I done anything at all to deserve such an opinion?  As hard as it may be to accept, can I learn and grow from their opinion or judgement?  I will collect the truths and if confrontation ensues over the situation I will gladly express that truth back to the persons involved, "You are right...I have done this or that etc..." That doesn't mean I concede to their opinion of me and find truth in all of it...but I, for my own sense of power and growth...admit to the painful bits of truth that may exist within their judgment. If there is a lot of truth or if it is all truth...I take the time I need to process the information, assimilate it and then when I am ready, I thank the person for their opinion and for helping me to grow into a better person. (Not like that is going to happen all at once lol...I usually start out as defensive and angry as a beast stung by a hornet...but I pull back and gain my bearings before reacting...or I try to at least. ) I apologize if I have done anything to hurt them. The person may or may not change their mind about me and I work on accepting that and letting it go.  If there is little or no  truth in what they have to say....
• I attempt to express myself honestly and openly once again.  I stand up for myself. If the consequences of that opinion affect me adversely or if I am in a situation where there is no way of escaping the negativity of the other person...I will do what I can to gain power by expressing the truth.  That is all I usually have at that point to give me power...the truth. I collect evidence of my truth...more for my own sake than theirs because I know how easy it can be to start believing that the other is right about you, especially if Shamer is taking part in the game. I examine the truth.  I validate it.  I own it before confronting the other person.
• I try to deal with my anger in a positive way.  At this point, I think it is very normal to feel angry.  If someone's opinion of you is affecting your life in a negative way...preventing you from getting what you need or what is yours and is not based on fact...it is normal to feel angry.  I know, however, that anger only truly hurts the person who owns it...so I try to find a way to express it that will help me release it, help me to make my point and help me to help others at the same time.  I ask myself: How would I feel if I saw these people judging someone else the way they are judging me?  Would I want to stop it? If the answer is yes...
• I depersonalize my investment in the other person's opinion of me and I seek the greater good. I take it way from "little me" focus...to a humanity focus.  That gives me even more courage, strength and power. Not only do I stand up for myself.  I stand up for others who could be impacted by such opinion.
• I warn the person or people involved that I am on a mission. I tell them I will stand up until I get knocked down.  I fully accept the fact that I might.  And I tell them if I get knocked down I will express my truth to all.
• I stop seeing them as villains. I try to understand where they are coming from and I forgive them.  I do not seek to hurt them or avenge myself.  I just stay committed to doing what I said I was going to do.
• I accept whatever happens after that.  I let go of my attachment to the consequences knowing that I did all I could do with negative opinion.  I leave the rest to God...knowing that no one can really hurt me, can they?  I am like the flower, the wind, the ocean and the sun...beyond the opinion of others and myself.

All is well in my world!

Ruiz, D.M. (2010). The Four Agreements.  San Rafael: Amber-Allen Publishing

Where there is mourning, there is dancing.
Henri Nouwen

In this crazy world there's an enormous distinction between good times and bad, between sorrow and joy. But in the eyes of God, they are never separated.  Where there is pain there is healing.  Where there is mourning, there is dancing. Where there is poverty, there is the kingdom.
Henri Nouwen (Catholic priest, theologian, writer  and philosopher)


I hear a lonely cry of a Mourning Dove outside my window.  It is such a soulful sound of longing and missing.  I want to answer him back just so he doesn't feel alone.  Then I remind myself that he is probably not longing for a greying blonde of the human persuasion. It will just mean more rejection for me lol.

Seriously... one could listen to his song of grief and perceive it in two ways.  One could feel the loneliness, the loss, the pain in his call or one could feel the joy, the healing, the dancing and the kingdom that is carried in every note. 

As Nouwen, above, writes God sees no distinction between sorrow and joy and either should we.  For the dove, where there is loneliness, there will soon  be connection. 

Contrast breeds its opposite.  That's the way life works.  With our human senses we see those contrasting colours so acutely and see such an "enormous distinction" between them.  We focus on that distinction.  Where God, I believe, sees it all intertwined together in a beautiful tapestry of textures that make up a life. 

What we ask for we receive in the same glorious moment of our request.  There is no time or space or separation. There is no distinction anywhere but in our minds.

So as I listen to his beautiful song, I remind myself of that and I smile at just how perfect it all is.

All is well I my world.

Beyond the Ego Twins to The Observer: On Being Who We Really Are.

If you want to reach a state of bliss, then go beyond the ego and the internal dialogue.
Deepak Chopra


Knowing who we are and how precious and valuable we are to the world is not an easy chore for many of us.  We get conflicting messages from the world and we get conflicting messages from ourselves. Some people around us will show love and respect...so we begin to feel valuable.  Others will push us aside, condemn or ridicule us based on both truth and false assumption. 

Our egos tell us we are special in one breath as they seek the support of our well wishers; and a disgrace to humanity in another as they comply with the opinion of our naysayers.  No wonder we are confused about who we are. 

So who do we listen to?  Definitely, not the ego.

The Ego Twins

(http://www.today.com/popculture/heh-heh-heh-beavis-butt-head-are-stupid-ever-1C9382020)

I believe the ego is actually twins. :) ( Of course, as a mother of twins...I see twins in more things:).  I call these ego twins: Redeemer and Shamer.

Shamer

Shamer is the one that tells us we are not enough...we will never be enough.  It wants us to believe that we are separated from God and others so the twins can reign and control our lives. It does this by convincing us we are not worthy of grace.  It points out our faults, our failings, our sins as evidence of just how unworthy we are.  When Shamer is active we feel pretty miserable and assume no one will ever accept us.  We act on that prophecy by being afraid to reach out, but at the same time desperately seeking one special relationship that will fill us and protect us from our own unworthiness. We are afraid to step up to life challenges and we accept the negative opinion of others as truth, even when it isn't. 

Redeemer

 



Then there is Redeemer ego.  When Shamer gets too active, Redeemer steps in .  (These twins are very competitive).  Redeemer is going to try to create an image of worthiness in us for others to see.  It will poof itself up with external successes: diplomas, degrees, financial status, popularity, power...etc. Redeemer redeems us from Shame by "doing and owning", "collecting and holding on to", " defending and attacking". 

When Redeemer gets too big for its britches...and the world around it calls it out...Shamer will once again step in to bring the party down to the basement where fear and doubt reside. 

Up and down we go when the Ego Twins are in charge. Where Shamer wants us fearful,  passive and submissive...Redeemer wants us achieving, aggressive, doing and attacking if we must.  In either scenario we do not feel good. Shamer convinces us we are "less than" and Redeemer tries to convince us we are "more than" all those around us.  We can never gain enough when Redeemer is in charge and we can never be worthy of more when Shamer is in Charge.  There is no fulfillment, no joy...just survival. The ego twins  do not want us to see how totally crazy they are...and how like smoke they would disappear once we realized who we really were.   

So why do we let these twins run havoc in our lives?  Because we do not know how to discipline them when all we have to do is call a time out for both of them. 

If we truly want to know who we are...we need to recognize the  ego at work and consciously seek to get beyond it to the truth of our beingness.  We are not these egos.  They mean nothing. 

The Observer

We are the Observer that watches the Ego pair wreck the house without concern because It cares less about the house or the things of this physical world. 

We are the Love that knows no judgment, no fear, no shame and that has no need for redemption.    If we knew that... we would not define ourselves by our ego...we would not define ourselves by the ego opinion of others.  We would just know that we are no better or no worse than anyone else on this planet. 

The Observer is in all of us. If we take the time to go inward and see the world through Those eyes instead of our own; to see each other through Those eyes instead of egos...what a different experience it would be for us...what a different world it would be for all.

All is well in my world.   

The ego is not who you really are.  The ego is your self-image; it is your social mask; it is the role you are playing. Your social mask thrives on approval.  It wants control and it is sustained by power, because it lives in fear.
Deepak Chopra



      

If you truly loved yourself, you could never hurt another.
Buddha

I guess I am not done this little mini series on relating to others. lol  When we talk about relationships we are taken back again and again to one crucial bit of truth.  You need to love yourself first.  Most acts of unkindness and even violence towards others are not done by people who truly love themselves...they are done by people who do not know how to love others because they do not know who they are. There is a beautiful line in A Course..." Teach only love, for that is what you are." (6:I:13:2)  If we realized what we were beyond these ego personalities that are conditioned to defend, attack, accumulate and succeed at all costs...we would realise  that we are Love.  We would embrace that and embrace ourselves for that...and that is all we would teach through example.

You yourself, as much as anyone in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.
Buddha

You do not walk alone.
ACIM Epilogue

These are powerful words I take with me as I finish the lessons of the Course for the second or third time.  365 lessons, "a beginning, not an end." (epilogue: 1).  I am a student of A Course in Miracles.  That might make people uncomfortable, I know. I am also a student of Catechism, of the Bible, the Yoga Sutras, the Gita, the Vedas, the Buddhist Sutras, the Tao, modern new age teachers, literature, psychology, quantum physics and all avenues of science, nature and life.  That may make them even more uncomfortable lol.  How can one be a student of so many different ideas and thoughts especially when they are so conflicting.? Are they conflicting?  I think not.  I am coming to find the one universal truth threaded throughout all these beautiful teachings. What do I find?...that We do not Walk alone...even when we feel alone...we are never alone.

So as we end this little mini series on relating to others, maybe we need to remember that.  If fear of loneliness keeps us stuck in unhealthy relationships and stops us from loving ourselves honestly  and openly...then maybe we have to consider that truth that all scripture and thought leads to.  We are not alone...we are never alone.

All is well in  my world.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:7

 

Specs: 1/500 , f 5.6, ISO 1600 140 mm lens...shot in auto, so yes I cheated lol but in my defense I was shooting through glass.  The first pic  I put up here was way too noisy...too much sharpening.  So I brought it down a bit in Light Room  (I love Light Room and my boyfriend for getting it for me :) I think the image is a little more balanced now.

 

This little guy landed right in front of me and posed for about 12 frames.  It was amazing.  I have been trying to get a good shot of Chickadees for over ten years now. I definitely won't be cutting down his home. :)   I guess, I was chosen.

 

Spirit always stands still long enough for the photographer it has chosen.

Minor White

There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear.
1 John 4:18

These are beautiful words.  The healthiest relationship we can have with anyone will be with ourselves when we realize who we are and from Whom we came. With God as our source of all things, we are meant to love perfectly without fear.  It is when we are able to be alone in solitude and find peace  that we will know of this Love. When we find that fearless state of knowing what Love really is... beyond the way our egos have painted it in romance novels and movies...we can venture into healthy relationships with others.  Loving yourself is really important.  Loving others and being loved is the beautiful consequence that ensues when we do that.

The healthiest relationships I have in my life came when I began to know what Love really is...it is a state of being...not just an emotion.  It was only when I stopped fearing being alone, when I embraced solitude and looked forward to just learning to love myself...that I actually found someone who offers me the healthiest partnership I have ever been in.

If you find yourself alone, embrace the opportunity to learn what Love really is.  Learn to love yourself...look forward to the solitude that can heal you.  Stop fearing, needing, clinging and let Love give you what you really need.  It will!

All is well in my world.

Peace is the life that is heard beneath the noise of ego's world.
Me

That quote came to me as I was meditating briefly this morning.  I was hearing robin song and the laughter of chickadees who I think are about to nest in the tree outside my office window...a tree I was going to cut down because it was blocking the sunlight but now know I will not be cutting lol.  There was the sound of machinery outside my window as well...and the sound of loud demands being thrown back and forth.  There was also some thoughts...not so many today...flittering around in my head adding to the noise but I strained to hear the sound of life beneath it all: the chickadees, the robins, the breeze, my breath, my heartbeat and there I found peace.  If we want to find and reach all those things we were meant to experience in life: abundance, joy, love...do we not first have to start with finding peace?  Hmmm!  I think so.  I know it is where I want to start.

All is well in my world.

I have never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude.
Henry David Thoreau

Beyond the Fear of Being Alone

If you cannot find a good companion to walk with, walk alone, like an elephant roaming the jungle.  It is better to be alone than to be with those who will hinder your progress.
Buddha

Many of us are afraid of being  alone.  We will do almost anything to make that not happen.  We will begin and stay in relationships that are not healthy.  We will cling fervently and desperately to those who we fear will leave us.  We will give up who we are to conform and fit in.  The idea of being alone can be more  terrifying than not growing into the people we were meant to be. We may give up everything so "alone" doesn't happen.

Our fear prevents us from seeing the preciousness of solitude and the gift of freedom that lies in it. If we did not fear the prospect of it...would we not be more inclined to be ourselves?  Would we not be more honest and real around others?  Would we not only accept what is healthy and good for us in terms of relationships? Would we not find peace regardless if we were in a relationship or not? We would stop clinging to that which did not lead us forward and only held us back...would we not?  We are meant to grow and relationships should not prevent us from doing that...the fear of being alone should not hold us back.

We are social animals, yes, and we are meant to love but we are not meant to fear. If fear is at the basis of our relationships, how healthy are they?  Besides, resisting the possibility of solitude only makes the likelihood  for it to persist. Our resistance and our fear of being alone may damage the relationships we have. If, on the other hand, we are okay alone, we can find peace anywhere with anyone.

Do not be afraid to be alone. Solitude is a beautiful thing.  It gives us the opportunity to discover who we are and what we want.  It brings peace and healing to the self and all the relationships we will begin or step back into.  Embrace the opportunity, knowing as the elephant does, that he will rejoin his family soon enough.

All is well in my world. 

They owe you nothing!

And still after all this time, the sun doesn't say to the earth , "You owe me."  And look what happens with a love like that. It lights up the whole sky.
Hafiz (12th century Persian poet)  My bad...somehow forgot to supply his name until now.  Oops!

One of the greatest sources of our suffering may lie in the belief that other people owe us something.

 We may assume that others owe us respect, consideration, kindness, compassion, and understanding.  When we do not get it from them or at least perceive we are not getting it from them, we get angry or hurt, blaming them for not providing.   It is our expectation that is the problem, not other people's behaviour.

Truth is...no one owes us anything. It would be nice if they provided such things.  It would make the world a better place if we all treated each other kindly but kindness is a gift not an obligation.

When we expect, we often fail to appreciate.  When we expect that we are owed something, we often blame, judge, condemn and attack when we do not get it.  Hmmm! How loving are we then?

What if we were to walk into each  relationship expecting nothing and made it a point to appreciate and honor each bit of respect, consideration, kindness, compassion and understanding that is offered us.  What if we made it a point to focus more on providing these things than receiving them?  What would that do for our relations with other people, I wonder.  What would that do for the world?

Food for thought on this windy day in May.

(Ummm...you do know I have another mini series going on here, eh? It looks like I may be talking about relating to others for a while.  Fasten your seatbelts...it might be a long ride lol.)

All is well in my world.

 

Don't let other people's opinions distort your reality. Be true to yourself. Be bold in pursuing your dreams.  Be unapologetically you.
Dr. Steve Maraboli

 

Tried something different ( meaning...I goofed up... lol)with this shot to create an ethereal, muted and dreamy effect.  (It was actually a much underexposed shot that I tried to fix and this happened)  I like it.  If you do not like it...please see above quote lol.

On Finding Yourself

The opinion other people have of you is their problem, not yours.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I guess, it is quite amazing how fast I write.  D. just shakes his head when he sees me put an entry together in an hour like I did yesterday. I remind him that my blog is unedited, unrevised and probably full of grammatical errors for people to sit around and joke about lol. (If they were so inclined and if I had readers besides him to critique my work, in the first place :) ..I still don't know if anyone is reading this blog. 

Regardless, I am grateful for the ability and the opportunity I have been blessed with to write.  I honestly do not know where I would be without this medium of expression.  Writing  is my route to self actualization.  It is my route to truth.  It is my route to finding myself.

That is what I want to write about today...finding one's self.  I want to build on what I wrote yesterday.  One doesn't get to  say everything that needs to be said in an hour of writing, do they? So I will continue here.

Finding Self f beyond the Opinion of Others 

 

I first heard the expression, "I am finding myself" when I was child growing up in the 70's.  It seemed that every  peace-loving long haired individual sporting fringes and bell bottomed jeans over platform shoes was in the process of finding themselves. I thought "finding myself" was a fashion trend not a spiritual movement toward enlightenment. 

My parents referred to the notion as drug induced  "hippy nonsense".  Did I mention that  I didn't grow up in the most open minded of environments? lol.  I was taught, in fact, that it was more important to blend in and fit in, to be like everyone else than it was to be yourself...whatever that was.

  I grew up to believe that what others thought of me was absolutely everything.  I was told that I  had to make the world  believe I was darn near perfect if I wanted to be accepted. I was more than a little concerned about people's opinions of me....especially when I realized I could never be perfect.

I was much too sensitive.  I thought too much and asked too many questions people didn't seem to want to answer.  I was too honest and spoke my mind.  I just couldn't go along with things because everyone else was. I preferred the company of animals.  I was different....and many people decided I didn't fit in. 

Belonging was all important; being rejected, forgotten, left out was excruciatingly painful because it meant that I was not "other-like" enough....I was not as "perfect" as they were...I would never fit in...I would be alone with my imperfect self for the rest of my life.

And if others didn't like me...how the hell was I going to spend the rest of my life alone with me?  Why would I ever want to find myself if myself was so hard to like?  

 

 

Things turned out okay. I belonged in many wonderful groups, been in many healthy relationships  and made many true friends over the decades of my life. 

Yet, the pain of not belonging was like a wound that festered inside me waiting to be reopened again and again.  I still believed, even when I was surrounded by people who loved me,  that once I was found out as the imperfect fraud I was...I would be rejected, shunned, kicked out, abandoned, forgotten.  I had to work really had to get people to like me and to keep people liking me. If I couldn't keep up with the pretense...I  also had a tendency to walk away from others before they had a chance to walk away from me...just so I could avoid the pain of discovering that they really didn't like me.

  The pain of needing other opinion pushed me and pulled me through most of my life, until the day I happened upon Maslow's words in a book by Wayne Dyer (  I don't remember which book).  Be independent of the need for the good opinion of others.

I liked how Dyer referred to it because he spoke of other opinion as an emotional need.  It gave hope that maybe we do not have to be dependent on getting people to like us and could still be happy even if the worse case scenario happened and we found ourselves rejected by absolutely everyone.

Maybe, just maybe I could still find peace if my worst fear materialized and I found myself alone. What if I learned to like me...even love me...so if by chance I ever found myself rejected by the whole world ...I would still be okay? I tucked those words in my mind and in my heart and I went off on a search to find myself beyond other opinion.

 

It was quite a journey so far.  I have come an amazing distance and seen my ego deflated again and again...but it still puffs up from time to time and stings like the dickens. 

I have been left and I have left;  I have been pushed out of groups,  sometimes very gently...sometimes not so gently and I have stepped out of groups. 

I have been forgotten by friends and I have forgotten friends. 

I have been liked...genuinely so by some that I felt actually knew me...and I have been disliked by others.

 I have been judged fairly  even if it was with dislike and I have been judged unfairly by others.

 I have people in my life who act like they like me when I know they don't; and others who pay little attention to me but I know they respect me. 

Throughout it all I am searching for and depending on validation for my worth from one person...me.  I want to be the best person I can be for me  regardless of what anyone else thinks.  

 

It is obvious in life...that we cannot please everyone all of the time. 

Not everyone is going to like us or want to be with us.  There will be rejections, criticism,  break ups and negative opinion from others.  That's life.

We are not what people think of us.  We are much more than that.

 If we would only take the time to do what the hippies did and find ourselves...we would come to know who we truly are.  We would also come to see that our own honest opinion  of who we are is the only one that matters. 

 

 

It is all good.

 

All is well in my world.