Arrogance is a way for a person to cover up shame. After years of arrogance, the arrogant person is so out of touch, she doesn't truly know who she is. This is one of the greatest tragedies of shame cover-ups. Not only does the person hide from others, she hides from herself.
John Bradshaw
I am starting a couple of new little video projects. Why? I have no clue. The first one will be a good look at The Five Remembrances as I offer a lay person's very imperfect perspective of them. The second one is going to involve our langauge and the relative connotations we place on certain words. Instead of answering questions from the jar...I am thinking of pulling out a word commonly used with a variety of different judgements attached to it. I will speak on that word...off the cuff...for a certain period of time.
Why am I doing this? I honestly do not know why I feel compelled to do such things. I know there is some practical reasoning. I do want to keep the speaking skills sharpened and that means practicing both speaking impromtuly as well as putting myself out there a bit. The natural educator/learner in me also wants to share what I learn and learn while I share. I fell, as well, compelled to do this. The compulsion seems pure but I do fear there is still ego attachd to it... a certain arrogance.
Man, am I arrogant? The thought of being influenced to do what I do by arrogance, makes me a little sick inside. Sometimes I look at what I do or did and after the fact realize that yeah, there was arrogance in it. I cringe.
The book I wrote for newcomers for example...cringe!!! Who was I to write that and why did I give a copy to people who didn't even want it? I have that twisting cringing in my gut that arises when shame resurfaces. That usually means I am recognizing at least some arrogance, as a motivator.
You see, there is a crazy thing going on in me when it comes to shame. I feel shame when I am arrogant, and I am arrogant because of shame.
Shame is a dominant emotion in me. It is an emotion wrapped around a lot of those memories and supressed/repressed experiences I stuffed in trunks in my subconscious. There are a lot of those trunks. I built an ego identity around that shame that I call "Shamer Ego" . Shamer's job is to keep me small, very, very humble (below humble actually- cringing in a state of unworthiness). Standing out, according to Shamer, is "showing off", "not knowing my place", "a sin." It pushes me to stay in the shadows and avoid being seen so as not to make a mess, or bother others. It is a very unpleasant experience when Shamer is out and about in my mind.
To compensate, to reduce or diminish the shame experience, Shamer Ego has a twin, an alter ego: "Redeemer Ego". Redeemer ego is there to help pull me up from the pits of shame. Its job is to create an image of pride...of confidence...of not just worthiness but of "success" and achievement and to make this me stand out proudly. It pushes me to "do"...to :achieve", to make " a name for myself". It gets a little over zealous at times and goes from creating a psuedo confidence to a psuedo arrogance. It makes "me" too big for my britches.
When I get too big Shamer steps in again to pull me down. Usually with this question, "Who the he!! do you think you are?"
Then when Shamer gets too heavy, Redeemer steps in with, "Lets "do" something to make you feel better.To show the world that you have nothing to be ashamed of, in fact, that you have lots to be proud of. "
Back and forth, back and forth this psyche and body are pulled. I am looking to find and maintain the happy medium between these two extremes. I am looking for equinimity.
I want what I do, what I put out there into the world, what I offer in terms of my "actions" (my only true belongings) to be based on neither Shamer's or Redeemer's input. I want my actions to come from a higher place. Where is that higher place? The higher place exists away from the battling ego's, away from the drama...and away from the objects of consciousness to the Seat of Consciousness.
So I question, why I do what I do all the time. I look for Shamer and Redeemer in the background of these inspirations I have to determine if either is motivating me. They are both in me still...doing what they do...I feel them and sometimes I even follow their directions but I don't want to. I want all that to stop.Hmm!
It begins with beinng aware....and then tracing my way to the clarity that exists in the Seat
Anyway, rambled off in my attempt to explain why I do what I do.
All is well.
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