"Why?" and Living With the Underrated.

Getting what you want and avoiding what you don't want is the most highly overrated thing in the world.

Michael Singer

I am working on establishing equanimity of mind...of not "reacting" to the so called positive and wanted events of Life and the so called unwanted. It isn't easy. 

Well, I often do not get what I think I want from the outside world and probably get more of what I don't want lately...enough to make Michael Singer happy. I am living with the underrated rather than the overrated. 

That what you want now ..I pray that you dont get it.

What I want?  Peace. What I don't want?  Disturbance.  That translates to the ego mind, that is staring out and seeking peace from the outside... as, "I will find peace if everything out there goes smoothly and quietly." and "I will be at peace as long as nothing out there is problematic and disturbing." 

Sigh!  Woke up this morning excited. I had a day off.  My grandson was not coming so I thought, "Today, I can settle into peace! " Mind has been telling me that I really, really need a break from all the disturbing events going on around me. I was looking forward to a quiet morning doing "my thing!"  I plopped down with a nice hot cup of tea and put on the below linked Michael Singer podcast.  There was quiet...no interuptions or disruptions. This quiet was so unusual but so greatly enjoyed. I had peace for ten whole minutes!  I was getting what I wanted. Then....out of the ether (lol) came a panicking voice, "There is a flood in the basement apartment!"

I looked up again and caught myself saying, "Really??" 

My quiet, peaceful morning was then spent shouting out orders in an attempt to save the apartment, dealing with the panickers, wringing out towels, cleaning up messes as we stood in ankle deep water...shop vacing when we could...doing laundry, salvaging furniture and other items, throwing out what couldn't be saved. Sigh! It wasn't peaceful.  It was a very messy disturbance. I am not sure yet the extent of damage and I really don't want to know. ( $$)

I wanted a peaceful morning and I didn't want a messy and possibly destructive flood. I didn't get what I wanted but I did get what I didn't want.  Hmm!

Why?  Why is it that lately these things seem to be happening where I seldom get what I want and I get a lot of what I don't want as if designed that way by Life?  Outer events seem to be representing so much disturbance, chaos, suffering, scarcity, challenge, failure, effort and so little peace, joy, abundance, success in worldly terms and ease? Though I know everyone has their challenges... and I am not thinking through the problem superior ego when I say this...the number of challenges I tend to face seem disproportionate  to those challenges being allotted to those around me. 

I have, for example, people very, very close to me that have no worry about money...they live in abundance.  And though they certainly deserve it and have worked hard for sure...a lot of it just seems to land on their lap. They are not, from what I can see, working any harder than I am ...they just seem to be presented fewer obstacles and more opportunity and blessings. When those they love are struggling or suffering, they have the means to help make it better so effortlessly, while I seem to have more loved ones suffering and in need but no means to support and help them finacially or to help get the services they need quicker. (This sounds like envy and self pity...which I am certainly not above feeling...but right now this is pure objective observation through which I am writing). 

When the bodies or possessions of these "fortunate others" act up they seem to be able to get help and support for that as soon as possible whereas I go decades. I present when I need to...just as much as they do...but there always seems to be one little obstacle after another hindering my ability to deal with what is going on in this body or my house. 

I also embrace my gifts and semi-talents and try to share them with what I believe are pure authentic intentions.  I write so much...have so much written and though I submit and publish it goes nowhere.  My writing stays obscure which is okay until I hear things like, "If you are doing what you are meant to do, the world will show you through external success. You will reach and help a lot of people." Duh?  That didn't happen. I don't need the "success"  or a lot of readers but I would like the validation from the universe that what I spend my time doing is worthwhile...it is definitely worthwhile intrinsically but if these sayers are right, shouldn't I have some form of external validation if this is my life purpose? Shouldn't I actually be reaching people, if that is my intent? 

I am also a good hatha yoga teacher with a great understanding of anatomy.  I knew I could help people in this area so I, using a very limited retirement allowance, created and opened up a studio. ( I am also very good with money which seems ridiculous considering how little I have but I invested well, saved well, planned well etc. There has been, however, so many external forces I couldn't control impinging on my financial well being leaving me where I am....making me question even more, "why?")  As soon as I opened for yoga, I had a flood...then a pandemic...then a botched attempt at getting my yoga out on line and into the community...it costed me much more than I ever made (and though teaching yoga was never about what I made...it just offers another example how external reward is not validating my efforts to help).

I am a good educator and I love teaching English. That love, together with a sincere desire to help newcomers in my community, led me to write a book. I tried to pass it around to where I thought it might be accessible to those that might benifit from it. Of course, I can't give every copy  away (printing costs alone are beyond my means but I did give many copies away) ...I have it on Kindle and Amazon charges a hefty price of which I make very little off each book (which is okay becasue profitting from this book was not my intention). I have heard nothing back about this book.  Right now, I am more embarrassed about it than I am anything else.  Did I offend?  Who did I think I was writing such a book? etc etc.  It, too, is now sitting in obscurity not helping in the way I was hoping it would. 

So when I look at these things I have to wonder why.  It is not a self pity "why?" ( at least it isn't today lol).  It is just a question from a fairly intelligent and insightful mind.  "What is the purpose of my Life being so challenging right now?" 

And I am really not that attached to the fruits of my actions.  I enjoy the process pf writing, teaching, speaking, yoga, learning and being etc...I, at the deepest level, get so much from that. My sadhanna is my most important endeavor...not what I accomplish externally.

Those whose minds are established in equality of vision [equanimity] conquer the cycle sof birth and death  in this very life. They possess the flawless qualities of God, and are therefore seated in the Absolute Truth.

Bhagavad Gita 5:19 ( as translated in https://www.holy-bhagavad-gita.org/chapter/5/verse/19)

I practice attempting to gain equinimity of mind...of a state of peace-no-matter-what. I am committed to accepting Life as it is...to finding peace in every moment no matter what is unfolding in it. So, are these challenges...this "not getting what I want and getting what I don't want"...tests I am in some way asking for?  Are these challenges actually great opportunities for growth given from some design I don't understand? Am I actually "blessed" to have all these challenges? Are they leading me to the Absolute Truth quicker than a life of ease and abundance would? If that is the case, "Bring it on!" I don't need to get what I want and to avoid what I don't want from the outside world if I am being taken to the only world that really matters. 

Yet, I cannot help but ask "Why is it so challenging right now?"  I am not complaining as much I just want to understand.  Why?   Is it for higher learning that I keep getting bopped on the head with challenges; is it my own negative energy being projected out into circumstances; is it a misuse of my body, mind and energy; is it karma; is is some type of curse; or is it just random and has nothing to do with me? The thing is I know regardless of the cause...I need to take responsibility for it.  It is my Life and it is up to me to honor the serenity prayer by asking: "What things can I not change?  What things must I accept? Give me the wisdom to know the difference, please."

 If I am somehow causing these events that are impacting not only my life but the lives of those around me...is it up to me to "do" something about it?  I have to understand and change what I can change, don't I? If so, how do I do that? Whether that change requires an external effort or not, it will definitely require an internal one. Hmm!

Whatever happens...good happens, bad happens, beautiful things happen, nasty things happen within me, outside of me, It is just me....

Sadhguru

I would like to know why my life "appears" to be full of challenges right now. I will accept them for whatever they are here to offer.  Could I get just a tiny bit of validation in amongst all these challenges that I am on the right path, though? Just a bit? Is that too much to ask?

Anyway, all is well. 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True ( February 13, 2025) Waking Up: How to Stop Living in the Past and to Find True Freedom. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3BrESzRn5c&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=2