Crying Over Spoilt Fruit?

Your committment is to action alone, not to the fruits of action.

Never consider yourself the cause of the results of your activities; and never be attached to not doing your duty. 

The Gita

Ten hours of work on a ppt presentation to support the English Language teachings in the book I wrote. It left me pondering the purity of this mission.

 I worked hard on this book and these teachings. Was going to put this presentation up with a few others on a youtube channel I created for the purpose of teaching to help.  No fees, no pay, just wanted to help newcomers and its gone.  Something happened with the saved file and it needed to be repaired...I was stupid enough to repair it and it left me with 7 slides...sigh! It was a good and helpful presentation...It is a good and helpful book.  It seemed to be a good and helpful purpose... wasn't it?  I am questioning if the challenges and obstacles I am experiencing in my attempt to pursue this little mission are there to tell me to stop and look at my motivation.  

Maybe I shouldn't be doing this? Maybe this is arrogance, an ego motivation underlining everything I did here and that is why it isn't just flowing out into the world in a helpful way?  I don't know. I really did not start out attached to outcome. I had an idea.  Thought I could do something helpful and I set out to it.  I worked hard and was dedicated to this and I really enjoyed the process....I got absorbed in the process.  It was fun!! I love learning!!  I love teaching!! I love serving in any way I can! I love using the skills I have to help! I also got "distracted" from all the drama going on around me while I was working on this.  I had a challenging situation yesterday morning and I went to the PPT presentation, partially for escape. 

Anyway, I worked hard. I created something pretty cool. Then in a second or two it was gone. 

The process of this entire project felt good...It was more fun than work...but maybe the intention is not as pure as I think it is and  the finished project was never meant to be?  

It...this that I created and create...is not getting out there... is not helping anyone.  (Well, I had a couple who said they really found it helpful and that is enough, I suppose.) But if ego is doing this for its own selfish reasons, I need to look at that too.  Ego would get in the way of this doing any good, wouldn't it?

Lets look at why our egos might take us into such service, service that isn't entirely selfless.

 Maybe ego likes the idea of putting itself out there to get attention...in my case ... as a skilled teacher? It wants others to see it as such.  Teaching has always stroked my ego, leading to a subtle arrogance. That isn't pure.  

Maybe it is feeling some sense of moral superiority by doing this? Maybe, I see myself as higher on the playing field, in some way, than those I am helping? That isn't pure. 

 Maybe it is doing this to stay distracted from all the junk going on around the "me"?  It is an escape from the relaities of Life. That isn't pure. 

 Maybe it is Redeemer ego stepping in to pull "me" away from that sense I am not good enough again. Redeemer is always around when it comes to my writing and teaching.  Yeah.  There is a bit of Redeemer arrogance in everything I do...to compensate for that which is at the other end of the spectrum.  I have this "Succeed here in order to hide where you fail there" kind of thing going on. Yeah, if I am being honest, this is a big part of my motivation.  My ego has taken a beaten over the years with having to leave the  job I loved  and that sense of productivity and purpose being an educator once gave me.  Though I complain about not being as finacially stable as I would like to be, earning money was seldom the motivator for anything I did. I wanted to redeem myself by being a person who did something of  measurable value in the world.  

Though nursing offered me a wonderful opportunity to serve and give, as well as a good, stable income...it beat my ego into the ground (never felt like a nurse) and it wasn't until I stood in front of a classroom for the first time that I felt true ego-redemption. Yeah...even though I know how ego is in the way of us experiencing who we truly are...I catch myself still seeking ego-redemption even with my intention to serve and help. Hmm!  That is interesting.

Anyway, this just came out of me this morning as I sat here...crying over the spoilt fruit of action. I will learn from this too. I will keep going doing what I set out to do...no matter what obstacles come my way...or no matter how much good it actually does.  Those fruit are not my business...my business is to simply do my duty.

All is well!