Winter's Discontent Lingering...

 Now is  the winter of our discontent

made glorious summer by this sun of York;

...

Why, I,in this weak piping time of peace

have no delight to pass away the time

Shakespeare, Richard III, spoken by Gloucester

Unlike Gloucester and the characters he is speaking about I am not deformed, I have not seen great sorrow in war. I have not just stepped off the battle field to rejoice in a time of peace.  Yet, winter has passed and  summer is chrirping and shining all around me...it is a time to rejoice and laugh and play ... but  I feel winter's discontent lingering. I am having a challenging time just settling into this "discontent" lately.  I know why.  I have samskaras emerging and I have been asking and praying for their release. Yet, there is a sense of agitation as they come up and the world around me crumbles just a tiny bit more. There is a sense of not doing enough in some areas and of doing too much in others. This task that I did take on...the book...has been taking up my time and I seem to be losing my way with it a bit...getting attached perhaps to the fruits of action? ...I don't know.  I see on the calender it is mid August and I ask, "What have I done besides work on this thing my mind still tells me I had no business writing?"  The house around me is a mess...never did the deep cleaning I told myself I would do , "once this book is done."  Never got the other books out as I was intending to do, "once this book is done"; never put in that extra bit of oompf in my attempt to help my children...(the book was an easier challenge), so I told myself I will give it the old college try  "once this book is done."  I never focused on my own health rejuvenating routine. I told myself I am going to take two weeks to juice, increase cardio, and see if I can drop pounds and cholesterol..."once this book is done". Now I want the book done!! I want it out there helping in anyway it can. I feel my intention for it  was pure, the effort was exactly what I needed...I enjoyed most of the process creating...though there were moments I got lost in ego frustration...it was good and well worth the time and effort. But lately I find myself going to it to escape, only to realize the door is rusted shut and I cant get out . :) Such is the way when we seek anything outside ourselves as the solvent for our interior friction.  There really no open escape hatch. The only way out is through!

 I am working on the audio component necessary to make it a read along book. (Even if I cannot combine the two in one interactive book...I decided I will create an audio book to act as an audio companion for an e book, and a a hard copy book), Now...that is a lot of book and a lot of work. I have the voice and speaking ability...I just don't have the  equipment.  My sound proof booth is a walk in closet and even there...despite my signs and my pleads for people not to come into the room when I am recording...they do...and I have to record again and again and again. Sigh! That is a complaint!! lol I am starting to sound  like Gloucester on his self pity binge, aren't I?  

I have, however, been making it a point to sit with this interior friction more and more...to allow it...to experience it and to wish feverently for it to arise and come out of me once and for all. I know when it is gone and I am clean and pure inside...it won't matter what I do or don't do, what I am spending my time on and what I am not.  It won't matter if it is winter or spring....I will be okay...Life will be okay...all will be okay. 

 I wake up from each sitting with a few tears in my eyes but not the release that is needed.  Oh well, even that I accept as a part of my karmic path. I am still very much committed to healing through yoga.

It is all good!