Detachment

 He who would be serene and pure, needs but one thing, detachment. 

Meister Eckhart

I went to bed thinking about detachment; I woke up thinking about detachment; and I meditated with this idea of "detaching" in mind.  Then I came to the listening part of my practice and what did I stumble upon but a video from Eckhart Tolle on...you guessed it!... detachment. lol.

Whatever it is that I am experiencing these days is unfamiliar to me.  I am waiting for the day when that sense of walking on unstable ground disappears.  I spent most of my life being pulled into the vortex of drama my mind creates.  Now, I am detached in a way I never was before...in a way I never dreamed of being detached. This novel experience  is a little unsteady. I am still very much in this world, moving around, "doing" things etc., but I don't seem to be attached to anything I do. I am not attached to this life...if that makes sense.  I definitely do not want it to end any time soon, but I know I would be okay if it did??  I am by no means immersed into the realm of sat chit ananda, feeling peace and joy, and bliss...all the time. In fact, I am not overly happy. At the same time I am not depressed.  I find moments of great peace over the simplest of things. I am consistently grateful, and I am being pulled down into the muck and mire of human drama less and less.  I appreciate nature, art, science, literature much more than I ever did. Still there is this neutrality to my observing and experiencing now. It doesn't bore me.  It gives me peace.  I guess, this is what the Buddha referred to as equanimity. 

In this state, I have no "desire" to do anything more than what I am doing.  This summer sitting here working on this book ego constantly reminds me I have no business writing, getting out to the yard to sit amongst the trees and the birds, to spend a day a week  completely absorbed by my  three grandchildren, to practice yoga daily: hatha (my classes and my individual practice), kriya (every morning I follow Yogananda's directions because I so want to free myself from these samskara blockages within me), jnana/bhakti ( they kind of go together for me as I listen, read, study, and write about what I am learning) and mostly karma yoga which is becoming a natural part of my life now....is enough. My life as it is right now, as boring as it may appear to others, is enough. 

I don't think about doing more...I don't seek to do more.  I have such little FOMA as I hear of others doing more.  This that I do is enough because this who I am as I do is more than enough.   I really get it now that nothing 'out there' is going to give me anymore than I already have.  

I am asked, "Do you want to go golfing?" and though I like golfing, I hear myself saying..."Oh I don't know...maybe someday."  It is not that I lost interest in golfing...I just lost this false idea that mastering the skill of golf  is going to give me that little extra something I thought I needed. It won't. The same with trips away, eating in  restaurants, going on adventures...I am not amiss to doing any of these things but I am somewhat detached to the doing of them.  It is like a 'take it or a leave it' scenario for me.

 When it comes to people...I am detached.  It isn't that I love the people in my life any less...I just seem to need them less and I know they don't need me in the way their mind's are telling them they need me. I don't need them to need me.  I am truly wanting them to realize they do not need me as much as they think they do. I have no false ideations that they are "mine", and  there to serve me in some way anymore. I also don't own their problems.  I mean, I see things so differently when they are sharing their problems with me...I see the bigger picture and I am not pulled in to the drama near as much as I used to be.  I do feel the pain but I am not lost in it. I see...truly see... that others are not able to give me anything that I don't already have inside me so I cling to no one! I see that I cannot give them anything other than what they already have inside them. I also see that they do not have the power to pull me down unless I jump into their drama.  I don't jump.  

I am much less attached to "things" too. Grateful I have a roof over my head, but I do little to make this house appear a certain way to appease others. I feel less and less ashamed of this appearance of " having less" that is obvious around me now.  I don't have a car.  For the longest time I heard myself and others saying, "Oh you need a car.  Women your age need a car. Not only is it a sign of your social status, but you need something to get you places.  You cannot depend on others to drive you everywhere." I am really not missing a car and don't seem to care if I ever get one.

Less and less attached to what I am writing... I am finding peace in the realization that I will probably never be recognized as a writer in a legitimate way.  Still, I write...I write for the sheer joy of writing and giving something back. I write more and write better even without that attachment. It is pouring out of me! Hmm. 

 I still have challenges and life events to deal with...they show up...I look deeply at them...I feel what needs to be felt...I do what needs to be done ...and then I allow it to pass through. My healing is everything to this human now because I see it...I truly see it as the best thing I can do for the suffering around me. And I do sense and feel the suffering in the world much more than I ever did. Being aware of and experiencing is different than being attached! 

 Just last night I watched a lovely movie on Prime, "Arthur the King" and it triggered a host of stored pet grief and other things within me.  I cried like a baby. I said, "Great...I am going to use this as a part of my practice."  I simply allowed the tears and whatever was trying to come up to come up.  I became acutely aware of the suffering of so many beings on this planet: of all species, of my loved ones, of people I didn't know. of animals, of everything.  I felt it all...not in the usual context..."how does this apply to me"...but with this realization that it all applies to "me"...and none of it applies to "me" cuz there really is no me. I felt so much tremendous sorrow for a minute that had little to do with "me". It was so pure and selfless...  from a position of detachment, I simply observed and experienced the energy of this sadness flowing through this human...until it passed through. And what was passing through was not apathy or indifference, but authentic compassion for all those who were suffering.  Now, that is detachment!

I don't know. A psychiatrist might say I was suffering from depersonalization...and though I might agree that this is a form of depersonalization...I would not deem it as a problem. Depersonalization and detachment are wonderful steps toward true healing.

All is well in my world. 

Eckhart Tolle ( August, 2024) How to Appreciate Your Life Without Getting Attached. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IRUMpPm3iI