Stop Pouring Butter on the Fire

 For whoever will save his life, will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world but forfeits his soul? 

Matthew 16: 25-26 ESV

The focus of what I am reading and listening to right now is all serendipitously centered around the idea that this world can not fulfill us in the way "self: little me" wants it to...nor can it fulfill us in the way Self wants it to, because Self is already fulfilled. 

Vivekananda in his lectures on Jnana Yoga, way back in the late 1800's and very early 1900's, spoke of these words. A true yogi recognizes and deeply respects the teachings of Christ. Yet, many, many people who call themselves Christians see these yogic teachings as blasphemous.  Sigh! These words make more sense to me through my yogi perspective than they ever did through my Catechism. Am I being blaspemous or just honest? And do you think Christ would care what I called myself with words and ideations or would He simply be glad that I understood what He was saying and was willing to live by it? (Of course, a yogi with a spiritual ego, who is initatied in a special way, may look at what I am saying as untrue and unfounded because  they may look at me with contempt for even calling myself a yogi,) 

'Christian' is just a word, 'yogi' is just a word, and 'Soul' is just a word, right? What the word 'soul'  points to is of upmost importance but the word itself (as well as the connotations, convictions,  and associations we humans in our collective forces tend to wrap words in) is not. I do not want to forfeit my 'soul' ( my section of  conscousness, this  life experience, my deeper Self)  over anything the world might have to offer. I do not want to spend any more time doing this thing we humans tend to do:  selecting and pushing away what the world offers as if what I want is more important than what I am here for. I see so clearly how it doesn't work. Happiness can not be found in worldly things! It really cant be.  I know from the years I spent on this planet so far that the world cannot give me what I truly need and want.  Man, I have been trying to get it from the world for way too many years...unsuccessfully. My grasping and pushing away doesn't work for more than a few moments at a time. The world has yet to give this human I call  'me' and lasting form of peace and  happiness. It isn't suppose to! And besides, "Me" cannot be happy. We need to go deeper beyond desire. 

I also see how it wasn't 'soul' that was searching for this gratification but this idea of "me" that was. And "me" is just another word...pointing to psyche , personality, a concept, a thought but nothing with true substance. It isn't who I am...just a 'spacesuit' that I wear. It is me that desires, not soul. The more "me" desires...the "more" it wants from 'out there'.  It is never satisfied. The more we try to preserve this idea of me and its life...the more we will seek happiness in worldly things. Not only will we not find happiness by doing so,  we will lose connection with what is real. We will forfeit the Soul.  It is only when we are willing to lose this life: this idea of me...will we find Life. 

Hmm! 

There comes a time when the mind awakens from this long and dreary dream-the child gives up its play and wants to go back to its mother. It finds the truth of this statement, "Desire is never satisfied by the enjoyment of desires, it only increases the more, as fire, when butter is poured upon it." 

Let's stop pouring butter on the fire. 

All is well. ( It certainly isn't 'easy' right now...a lot going on for 'this human' to deal with...but it is well for that which "I am.")

Swami Vivekanada ( n.d.) Section 2.5: Jnana-Yoga; Complete Works. Kindle Edition

Learning the Lesson

 What is the use of doing good? 

The answer is in the first place, that we must work for lessening misery, for that is the only way to make ourselves happy. ...In the second place, we must do our part, because that is the only way of getting out of this life of contradictions. Both the forces of good and evil will keep the universe alive for us, until we awake from our dreams and give up this building of mud pies. That lesson we have to learn, and it will take a long, long time to learn it.

Vivekananda

The Reality Watching

 What you truly want is deeper than the world can give you.

Eckhart Tolle 

What seems to be, is not real.

The future never comes.

When tomorrow opens up her eyes

she is the moment that you're in.

What you are reaching for

are only shadows thatt flicker 

and fade in front of the

light of what is.

And who you really are

is not a person in that body, 

with a name, and personality,

playing a role in some great act...

a script you , yourself, have written.

You are the reality watching

it all go down 

right here and 

right now.

me...

All is well!

Showing Up for Practice

 Wherever the mind goes, the prana follows.

Saint Thirumular

Don't listen to your mind, especially when it comes to your practice. I have a mind that says many mornings, "Oh...don't go down to the studio and do that pranayama and meditation thing.  Stay up here, have your tea, listen, write...you know you have so much to "do" around here...just get at it. It is probably not doing any good anyway." 

The odd time, I will slip away from disciplined routine and I will not begin my day with kriya ( which is a form of pranayama) or my meditation.  I will stay up where it is bright and comfy...easy. I appease my mind. I appease my self over my Self.  What happens when I do that?  Sometimes there is no ill effect and other times, most times, I will later in the day find myself all twisted up inside, more reactive than usual, lost in "little me" drama. I may even feel physically unwell like I have been feeling the last few days, caught up in the chaos of this human life. 

I realize at those times that I need discipline to stick with my routine.  My yoga  practice is the most important thing in my life because it affects all other things in my life. Hmm!

Michael Singer was more or less discussing the need for discipline in pranayama in the below linked podcast. Prana of courses is the breath but it is more than the breath- it is the vital life force that flows through all of us...a form of Shakti. Since we have lost touch with it and let it run wild...most of us have turbulent flows, turbulent minds and hearts, as well as turbulent body processes. 'Little self" has taken over in too many of us and it is running our lives amuck.  

The psyche is very powerful...like a two year old that wants to do what it wants to do when it wants to...it gets the shakti and all your energy to flow in its direction and life gets messy and out of control. And then we tend to do what is needed to get it to "shut up"...give it what it wants, feed it  junk food, listen to its rambings as if it knew what it was talking about. When we are feeling discontent we go to it and ask it to tell us how to make it better. Crazy!  That is like going to a two year old and asking, "What should I do with my life, oh 'wise one'?"  

We need to remember: 

your body...your heart...and your mind are there to serve you...to serve the soul...you are not there to serve them

Self, on the other hand, is the gentle parent that knows what is needed. We need to allow Self to reclaim the kingdom over self. The practice of doing so must continue even when little self, the personal mind, the heart, the psyche says, "Nah.  I don't want to do that today." ...Especially then. 

I love this: 

A yogi is an athlete of Life...that is your sport ...you are learning to channel and direct that shakti flow...that prana precisely...

We need to train the prana precisely...which is like training the mind because where the mind goes prana follows. I want to continue being an athlete of Life ...that means showing up for practice everyday no matter how much the psyche complains.

All is well

The Michael Singer Podcast/ Sounds True/ Temple of the Universe (August, 2024? ) Cultivating the Discipline to Free Yourself. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h46i-cd__h0&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1&t=1315s

Live Deeper

 Use all of life to get rid of the part of you that is preventing you from experiencing the whole of your being....that which prevents you from going deeper. Spiritual growth is about going back to that part of your being....everything  in life is there to help you to grow

Your thoughts are not going to solve your problems...the act of going to the mind to solve the problems of the heart and soul is futile...

start with the base point that everything should be fine inside without any effort from you...you are .completely and unconditionally whole within yourself

...the veil of the psyche is blocking that.

[have the]willingness to go through  and cleanse that which is blocking your okayness...

Michael A. Singer

Micheal A. Singer/ Sounds True ( ) Living from the Deeper Part of Your Being.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UY307qj1zYw&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=2

Just Energy

 Emotions are just energies moving inside you...you can handle it...relax into them...don't be afraid of your heart.

Michael A. Singer

Mist

 "Because we talk in vain, and because we are running after desires; therefore, we, as it were cover Reality with a mist."...we get the idea that the cause of our ignorance is a kind of mist that has come between us and the Truth.

Vivekananda on the early Vedic understanding of Maya, 2.5 Jnana Yoga , Complete Works

                 (A pic of Niagra falls I took years ago. The specs are somehwere in another entry.)

The mist is thick

I cannot see

When I step forward

I am the me

When I fall back

I am free

me.... August, 2024

All is well! 

Real Happiness

Happiness, we see is what everyone is seeking for, but the majority see it in things which are evanescent and not real. No happiness was ever found in the senses. There  never was a person who found happiness in the senses or in enjoyment of the senses. Happiness is only found in the Spirit.  Therefore the ighest utility of mankind is to find this happiness in the Spirit.

No perfection is going to be attained. You are already free and perfect...Every good thought that you think or act upon is simply tearing the veil, as it were; and the purity, the Infinity, the God behind, manifests Itself more and more. 

Vivekananda, Complete Works (2.5 Jnana Yoga)

This is what I read last night and this is what I heard today.

All you want, gauranteed, all the time and under any circumstance is to be happy....There is nothing wrong with that innate yearning to be at peace...the trouble is that yearning...goes to the mind. 

Use your life to lose that part of you in the way of you experiencing peace. There is a part of you that is always pure and untainted.

...and much more. Have a listen.

All is well.

Michael Singer/ Sounds True ( Through Temple of the Universe) E1 Living From the Deepest Part of Your Being. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UY307qj1zYw&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1

Do It Consciously

 And what is perfect abnegation? It means the abnegation of this apparent self, the abnegation of all selfishness...the more this present self passes away, the more the real Self becomes manifest...whether man knows it or not the whole world is slowly going towards it, practicing it more or less. Only, the vast majority of mankind are doing it unconsciously. Let them do it consciously.

Swami Vivekananda, Complete Works

Live in the Whole Universe

 He alone lives whose life is in the whole universe, and the more we concentrate our lives on limited things, the faster we go towards death.

Vivekananda

The section I am reading in the Complete Worksnow is so beautiful.  I look forward to reading from it every night. 

I will be back with any more gems of wisdom.

All is well.

Feeling the Energy

Everything is energy. Your thought begins it, your emotion amplifies it, and your action increases the momentum.

Unknown

Have you ever watched your energy levels?

Say what crazy lady?

Have you ever just noticed when your energy is down mentally and physically and when it is up?  I am sure you felt both up and down at certain times in your life. I am sure you had times when you felt like you could run a marathon ( or at least a half marathon) and times when getting out of bed felt like a chore. I am sure there were times you felt joy, excitement, enthusiasm and times you felt depressed or very frustrated with your present situation. The point is, you know what that feels like.  You may not call it such but you do know energy.  And it really doesn't matter what you call it...really. Some may call it physical, emotional or mental health...some may call it biology...some may  call it psychology...some may call it spirituality. It is all just energy!  As a yogi, I tend to call it Shakti. 

I am very aware...only because I make it a point to be...of my energy levels. I observe when ...for some reason...the Shakti begins to flow through all my many blockages (and I have a very thick jungle of samskara in here). I feel phyiscally well...like I could run a marathon. I feel motivated to do so many things with this energy. I want to serve others without much thought of outcome or "me" gratification. In fact, there is so little me at these time.  I am so grateful for everything.  I put great time and effort happily into tasks and chores ( like this book).  I also feel this creative inspiration in me...this flow of  a powerful something that wants to come out on the paper or be heard ( if only by me). I write, write, write. At these times, I witness all the suffering around me with great compassion  but I see more light than dark.  It doesn't pull me down. I see beyond the suffering of others to that equanimity which is within us all. It is amazing and exhilerating when that energy is high like that. 

I also observe when my energy is down, like it is now. I observe when I do not feel so well physically...tired and lethargic, in pain( I wake up every morning with this pain in my left lower quadrant , regardless of energy level...but when energy is low I resist it more). I still feel grateful but I question why things are not working out for this human.  I notice the tendency for envy and self pity to arise ( as it did yesterday ). These are times when I still continue to write but I question why I am writing.  I notice at these times ...how little I am doing and the effect of my lack of doing: Entropy with a capitol "E"in the environment around me. The creative inspirations gets replaced by so much doubt, obligation and a thought of outcome.  These are times when the suffering of others seems to be soaked up by my pores like I am a giant emotional sponge. I feel so heavy at these times. I start to feel like I am this body and mind. The light, that I know is there, can not be seen through the jungle bush of samskara. Little shakti flows through. Sigh!

So, I observe the rise and fall of energy, just as I observe the rise and fall of all physical phenomena around me.  Things come and things go.  I am okay with that. I really am.  I am not asking (well for the most part lol) that things out there change so as not to disturb the biodiversity of my samskara jungle...but that I learn how to use this internal  machete that will help me slash through the bush and brush of my stored stuff so the light  can come through freely, the way it is intended to. I am fully aware as to why my energy level is down...the samskara jungle is overgrown and I negatively assume there is no way through when the energy drops low enough. I do have to work on two things:. The first is thinning out this mess that is blocking the energy flow and two: this tendency I have toward negativity when energy is low. Hmm!

I do believe though that part of the reason I am low is because the samskaras are unsettling and moving up for release. I am feeling the discomfort of that which was stored in pain as it makes its way back up...like the burn one would get upon vomiting a corrosive they ingested. Sometimes, it hurts more coming out. It is a necessary burn though...one I am more than willing to experience if it frees Self from 'me' and allows this energy to flow in the direction it so wants to...which is up, of course.

All is well in my world. 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( August 19, 2024) Working With Your Inner Energy Flow.https://tou.org/talks/ 

Creating Accidents?

 If you know how to use your inner space, you will constantly be making miracles. If you do not know how to use your inner space, you will constantly be making accidents.

Swami Nithyananda

I woke up thinking of two things today. Number one: I need to write Michael Singer. Why woul I write Michael Singer? Am I becoming some type of "groupie fan" lol? I don't know why I need to write him but I had the great thought in my head as I woke up to write him. I don't even know how to write...how to reach him.  I don't even know what I would say.  Doesn't matter...the thought is there...just as it was for the book I have spent my entire summer on. "Write! You don't need to know why. It is not about "you".  The answers will come later. Just write!" Hmm! 

Karma? Am I Creating Accidents?

The second thought that entered my mind was, "Am I creating accidents?" Of course, the thought did not come exactly in those words.  This morning I found myself wondering, as I often do,  why the external events around me are so often negative. I see others close to me who are not having the same issues this human I call me is having. (Sure they have their issues with children etc but they automatically seem to have the means to do good by them, to get the intense help, quickly, they need etc, while I don't seem to have that material backing or that luck. Their children are swiped in and out of programs, (and I am sooo glad they are getting the help they need.  I truly am.) My daughter, though, has been  waiting a year and a half for a psychiatry appointment and has been suffering everyday. It is a good day when she has the motivation to get up and wash her face and brush her teeth, an even better day when she showers, and wow!... a celebration when I can get her to walk around the yard with me a few times or go golfing.  I have another who could use a long term in house program but I cannot afford it. I am struggling finacially to make the mortgage and look after my now dependent adult children on a very small pension while others seem to have so much...not only that...they seem to keep attracting more finacial abundance into their lives . We agreed to go on a trip with some who have the means to travel all the time   and we cannot afford it...at all.  We will need to work plus, plus to pay for it over the next couple of years. I seem to only be able to work so much before the body begins to act up...so I am wondering if I will ever be able to pay for it before I die. If I  get sick I have a history of going years without a diagnosis, lots of shaming-no diagnosis, and therefore no treatment or no finacial support. (Thus my finacial situation right now). People around me get sick and they seem to get everything I couldn't get very quickly.   Loved ones are driving around in fancy new high end vehichles (which they more than deserve!!) and I cannot afford even an old second hand vehichle- I am dependent on others to drive me. Yes, I know a thousand tiny violins are playing all over the world to echo my footssteps travelling down Self-Pity Lane. lol That sounds so petty and whiny, I know.  Not my intention...it isn't. Though I am certianly struggling with some human envy and self pity tendencies lol.... I just want to express how that question, "What am I doing karmically?"  comes up. 

I tell myself, my present life situation is a result of my karma. And I am perfectly okay living out my karma...especially if it is multigenerational...but...I would like to know that is why I experience what I experience. It would help to accept and embrace what is more gracefully and gratefully if I knew I was burning off  generations of karma.  What if these negative life experiences are , however,  unnecessary and just a result of  something I am doing mentally and emotionally?  What if I am creating all this mess outside me because of something I am thinking, doing, or feeling?

As I question that, I come across a video and that line above comes serendipitously to my questioning mind. It puts the question into articulate form. "Am I creating accidents because I do not yet know how to use my inner space correctly? Are the others creating miracles because they do know how to use their inner spaces correctly? Is my negativity...my conditioned expectations... creating negative accidents? It is one thing if I am creating suffering for myself...but if my untrained mind is creating suffering for others...man that would be hard to handle. 

Regardless, of my life situation right now and the cause of it...I do want to cleanse, purify, get rid of samskaras.  I want suffering to end.

Swami Nithyananda, in the below linked video tells us in order to purify and move up the yogic ladder we must do what we can to cleanse the first four layers of samskara. There are seven layers but we only have conscious control over four of these.

The Seven Layers of Chakra Healing

1. Physical layer.Physical body: cleansing from the intense desire for rest. This desire for rest many of us have as may be seen in our need for vacations will not give us rest as long as it is motivated by samskara.  Most of our need for rest is motivated by samskara, is it not? We want to run away into an idea of peace we have so we can escape the problemed mind. Right?  In order to advance here, we need to cleanse here first. Once we cleanse away this craving for rest, this sloth and torpor, Swami says we are 90 % accomplished on our spiritual path.

  Man, I have been caught up in this one for a long time. This intense need for rest likely led to my so called "illness".  I am not a lazy person.  I put 120 % into everything I do ( when I do lol). I won't do until I know I can put that much into it. Lots of times I get caught up "not doing" because I don't think I can invest that energy into it. 

Maybe activity is the antidote for sloth and torpor? 

Swami relays a story from the Upanishads where a disciple goes to his Master for direction on becoming enlightened.  The Master says, "Take my 400 cows and come back when you have 1000, then you will be enlightened."  The student agrees and goes off.  Years later he comes back with 1000 cows. The Master says, "Now you are enlightened. and on top of that you now have 1001 cows." The owning of 1001 cows would be a sign of worldly prosperity and abundance in India back then. This would be similar to what Jesus said, "Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added on." Matthew 6: 33 ESV . The disciple first sought enlightenment and once he made that his priority, he received worldly abundance, "added on", Hmm! Anyway, by having the cows and keeping them...there was constant work and activity.  No time for rest and no time to crave the idea of  rest. The disciple was able to cleanse himself of this intense need for rest. He purified the first layer.  I need to purify this layer.  There is samskara there keeping me stuck in what swami referred to as "chronic fatigue". 

2. Prana: Cleansing from desire. In the prana layer we have movement of energy...breath. We need to cleanse away those samskaras that affect our breathing pattern, our energy,  in a negative way. Desire...the hope for something in the future. ...pulls all our energy into the future. We need to cleanse ourselves of desire.

If your energy  is continously moving towards the future it is desire...if you energy is flowing continously towards the past it is guilt.

Note: Funny that in the Five Hindrances of Buddhism...that which keeps us from attaining enlightenment...Desire... is first and sloth and torpor (the intense desire for rest) is third. Hmm! 

3. Mental; Cleansing from guilt. Guilt about what we have done or didn't do in the past needs to be cleansed next.

4. Emotional: Cleansing from emotional pain. We need to allow all painful samskaras to come up, relive them, and then let them go.  This is healing. 

Reliving is relieving. Relive and release.

Anything after step five is beyond our conscious control.  We just need to focus on getting to this point.

5. Deep sleep: It is a place of graveyard silence: mind can't do anything about our samskaras here because it is an unconscious layer. When we have not cleansed adequately the first four layers, our ability to deep sleep is altered.  We see so much sleep issues in this culture for that reason. 

6. Meditation: It is a place of  intense silence...when we are cleansed in the first four layers, we will fall into this silence easily and naturally. The cleansing that goes on here has nothing to do with the personal mind. 

7. Enlightenment: Will only occur when we are cleansed of all samskaras.

Wow!  I have some work to do. Worth a listen.

All is well!

Kailasha's SPH Nithyananda ( 2012?) Samskaras and the Seven Layers-Deep Truths.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yx00NGbMb04

Previously Published Poem

 Space Walker

Navigating around this place,
in this suit of many layers,
 reptilian scales
and mammalian glands,
I follow, 

however reluctantly,
 the robotic directions,
 a woman's
monotone voice,
 not my own.
The voice  echoes from within
a hidden  circuit
of programmed instructions,  
Take a left 

then a right,

go straight, 

turn around

the downloaded data chirps
as I make my way
to the flag before me.
I am told when
to fight, to flee, to freeze
with each zap of current that
courses through me
from the exposed
and tender roots
of the  electrical network,
humming on the outer layer
of this suit I think I am.

This entangled wiring,
with its preprogrammed function
to warn and protect,
makes the fleshy portion
of me within
jump and retreat
like a skittish fawn
with each bump, 

each change in atmosphere,
each misstep.


I walk carefully,
slowly,
feeling the weight
of mechanical
and social gravity.
Each foot I lift
is heavy and slow,
precisely calculated
to be acceptable,
just like those
of the walkers before me,
leaving a deep
irreversible imprint
on the ground beneath  me.

I reach out my hungry  
telescopic limbs
to grab what is valuable ,
collecting  the moon rocks
and galaxial gems
 that will make
this journey worthwhile,
placing them in the suit's
many  storage compartments,
feeling somehow lighter, 
the heavier the container
and I  become.


I decorate my suit
in the beads of star dust
that fall around me,
making myself,  
even in this heavy garment,
as attractive and unique
as I possibly can.
I display my hard earned titles
and initials on a well lit placard
that dangles around  my neck,
making sure it is especially visible
as the light around me fades.
I am told by this robotic voice
that I must stand out
amongst the other walkers
and
at the same time
I must blend in.


I hear my breath
panting and heaving
within the confines of my suit
as I make my way
to the center of my Life.
I do my best
to heed the directions,
to avoid the zaps of pain,
to make my imprint known,
to take what I can,
and be as noticeable
and recognizable,
yet as similar
and unobtrusive 
as a separate walker
 can be...

But the suit is so heavy,
and the programming  
so restrictive,
and the flag
that does not move
in the windless air
seems to get farther away
with each step
I take toward it.  

Something within me,
some little voice
beneath the programming
and the installed
external  reactivity
whispers..."stop".
I do.

I stop in my tracks
and remove the helmet.
I breathe
for the first time
without the need
of external support.
I remove my heavy garment
and feel the weightlessness
of unlimited space
as I rise untethered
into emptiness.
I watch from
an elevated  distance
as the rocks and gems
that were once
tucked within the suit's
many pockets
 roll away.
I am free.

© Dale-Lyn (pen) July, 2020

 

Expanding the Mind's Focus

 And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free

John 8:32 ESV

Spirituality, according to Michael Singer in this morning's podcast, is all about expanding our frame of reference. It is about using our impersonal  intellectal mind to get beyond the personal.

We have to remember that we are in this world, but not of it. We are just visiting "Disney land" and it is meant to be a wonderful, exilerating ride from which we learn and grow.  This "suffering" the way we do is not part of the plan.

Yes, we are meant to have our downs, our challenges, etc but that is just part of the ride.  It is those challenges from which we can expand and grow. 

We come down in a spacesuit...the body and personal mind ...but these things are just meant to help us navigate around and make the most of this experience. We are not them!! We are just using them.

The problem is we take this amazing consciousness and fixate it on the spacesuit and meeting its needs, on the personal mind and meeting its needs, and on the problems we believe this spacesuit and mind are having(that we actually collected and stored inside it)... to the point that it is all we are seeing and experiencing. Our Disney land which could be fun, exciting, and amazingly challenging in a positive way...becomes a dark little cave we cannot seem to find our way out of. 

You are here to learn, here to grow, here to go through your changes but your frame of reference got too small...eliminate your consciousness from its fixations 

We are not this space suit we are in.  It will surely die off at some point but who we are within won't. We are not this narrow personal mind that is staring down at such a limited amount of experience potential either. Mind is much more expanded. We are so close to "enjoying" the expanded experience. We just need to lift our eyes away from that which is pulling consciousness down.  

If the intellectual mind expands enough the step back into consciousness is a tiny one

We need to expand our frame of reference beyond little me...

You dont come down here to get what you want...you come down here to serve..."how can I help?" 

Sometimes, I think that is the answer for helping the ones I love who are suffering in their own dark caves: whisking them away somewhere where they do nothing but serve those in need. Hmm! How practical is that? 

I guess it would begin with asking them this question, "Who is in there thinking of themselves  as depressed or self loathing?  Who is in there believing they are trapped?" 

Until they are ready to go there and realize there is nothing higher than consciousness and that they are not the bodies and "disturbed minds" they see themselves as, what can I do?

Sigh! I feel helpless in serving them.

That is what my consciousness seems to be focusing on lately, narrowing its beam  down to the suffering around me. This human feels the pull downward and I begin to identify with the space suit and mind that is "me" again.  I see nothing but  their suffering.  I, as little me,  suffers

The only thing I can think to do besides the practical stuff that asks to be taken care of in every moment, is continue with my own practice of purifying...letting go of my resistance to what is, pulling back as much as I can and purposefully attempting to expand my consciousness.  I need to keep reminding myself of the very things I want to remind them of. 

I am not this spacesuit, I am simply in it, using it for an indefinite period of time. I am not this narrow focus of mind I am seeing through.  Consciousness is much bigger than that. I am in this world but not of it. 

Hmm!  I need to keep purifying.

The purified mind is no different than the Self...Ramakrishna

I wrote a poem years ago about this space suit.  I think I published it on this site. I will see if I can find it

All is well!

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( August 18, 2024)  Freedom: Expanding Your Perspective Beyond Yourself. https://tou.org/talks/

A Little Mantra

 Thinking of this meditation mantra, known as the gayatri mantra, from the Vedas. According to yogic sages, it can act as a means of adding more yellow balls to our psychic  buckets . These yellow balls  will eventually become white balls which will bounce right out of our buckets. Mantras help to replace those negative energies with positive. They also help us to remove the  paint from all balls so they become white. Most importantly, they can help us to see that we can empty the bucket and put it down at any time.

(This is not going to make sense or might even be misconstrued lol unless you have read the post before it.)

All is well!

We mediate on the glory of that Being who has produced the universe, may she enlighten our minds. (translation from Vivekananda)

We meditate on the effulgent glory of the  divine light, may he inspire our understanding

We mediate on the adorable glory of the radiant sun, may she inspire our intelligence. (translation from Radhakrishnan)

A Bucket of Ping Pong Balls?

 Love is your natural state.

Michael A. Singer

I think, most of the time, I am at the point where I have changed one mantra for another. I went from repeating to myself over and over: "I don't want to feel it" to "I am willing to feel and experience it all"

It isn't easy.  I still stumble and fall on this path.  I trip over my own feet lol. Yet, I am committed to getting back up and saying to the universe, "Bring it on." And the universe, it seems, is kindly obliging. :) I am committed to my practice of "using Life properly", for the evolution of my soul and not the feeding of my ego. I must stress, it isn't a perfect practice. :) 

What helps me to keep going is knowing that love is my natural state, and this "discontent" I often feel, isn't.  My discontent is a product of a personal  mind that can never be satisfied enough.  It is creating samskaras that block this natural love flow in me...in all of us.  So, I just need to get rid of that which blocks in order to experience this natural light and love of who I am. I want to attain a state that never goes away no matter what is happening to me or around me. Wouldn't that be the thing to ask for rather than for all the things out there to defy statistical probability and be exactly the way we need them to be to serve the mess inside?? Yeah, I believe it is the way to go.

So, we need to cleanse...purify...get rid of all our samskaras.

An Analogy about Samskaras

I heard an analogy recently (and I can't remember where I heard it to cite it...forgive me) about our inner worlds, our personal minds, our psyches being like a big bucket of balls. I am going to use that and add my own twists to it. 

In that bucket we have many balls of three different colours...white for neutral, red for negative, yellow for positive. Each ball is something we picked up from the external world...an experience, a memory, a belief, or an emotion of some kind we clung to. We picked up the ball and we stuffed it into our bucket becasue we didn't know what else to do with it.  We now have a bucket full of  ping pong balls. Life comes along and triggers us and we automatically reach in for a ball to explain our experience, tell us what to do and how to deal with it. In a sense, the ball is our instructor or our reactive tendency. 

The red balls seem to be much more numerous than the yellow and even though we have  picked up  hundreds more white balls they just seem to pop right out once they hit the bottom of the bucket. Only a few remain.  Since red balls, the negative experiences we didn't throw away but cling to in our resistance, are more numerous the probablity is that when life triggers us we will pull out a red ball. We will likely react  mentally, emotionally, energetically and behaviourally in a negative way. Our reaction will lead to us adding more red balls to our bucket thus increasing the chance that the next time we reach in we will pull out another red ball. We will do it again and again and again.

This bucket, this psyche, this idea of "me" with its collection of stored experiences is just a bucket of ping pong balls. Yet, it is in the way of us experiencing who we truly are. We are so busy reaching in and reacting accordingly that we identify as the bucket and not that being who is dragging around this bucket.  

Our goal, ultimately, is to put the bucket down and "be" without it.  That, though, is the end result of a process that goes a little like this:

• recognize that you are carrying around a bucket
• recognize that you are stuffing and storing experiences
• recognize that most of the things you do, say, feel, and think today in response to what Life gives you is a result of this bucket you keep reaching into. 
• Examine the bucket: have a good look at the contents of that bucket...see how many red balls you have in there and how you tend to keep pulling those ones out
• Do your best to decrease the probability of pulling out red balls everytime you reach in by adding more yellow balls . Purposefully add yellow (positivity) to the mixture.
• At the same time, be mindful and observe how the white balls just go in and out...know that  is what all balls ( all life experiences, all relationships, all thoughts and feelings) are suppose to do...touch the bottom and bounce right back out. 
• Recognize that all balls are originally white...it was you that painted some red and some yellow with your preferring. Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so. (Hamlet)
• Know that the bucket is meant to be empty and spacious so experiences can just bounce in and bounce out
• Know that  spaciousness inside the bucket is full of  the  light  energy of love, peace , and joy that wants to just rise to the top and spill over...it can't do that when the bucket is full of balls.
• So, stop picking up balls and painting them colours...stop storing balls...stop clinging...let all balls bounce in and bounce out. 
• While you are doing that...get rid of all balls already in that bucket. Just allow them to come out...turn the bucket upside down if you must but empty your bucket!!! 
• Keep your bucket clean and empty. (Don't put more in!)
• Recognize that you are not the bucket you are holding...you are simply the one holding it. The energy you observe in the bucket is actually in you and everything. 
• Put the bucket down and experience being that energy. 

Hmm! I think that is a cool way to look at samskaras and purification. Don't you?  

All is well!

Everything you push away stays in

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( August 15, 2024) How to Feel Love All theTime.https://tou.org/talks/

Not Feeling It?

 The question isn't how do I find love, the right question is why don't I feel it all the time? 

Michael A. Singer

Singer teaches that we are all capable of being inudated with love every moment of our lives no matter what happens. 

Why then don't we feel it all the time? 

It isn't because we have yet to find the right person.  It isn't because the person we are with are doing  what they are doing, or not doing what we think they should be doing.  That is just ego love based on whethe ror not they trigger our internal messes. 

We do not feel that continuous blissful love all the time because we block it

...you block love everyday of your life, you make it so you cannot feel it. 

We instinctually hold the painful at a distance from our conscious awareness ...which meanss we stuff and store, blocking our energy flow. Shakti is always  trying to come up...we feel love when we are not closing over that shakti flow. Yet we are conditioned to close.

We don't need to  find love...we need to get rid of that which is in our way of experiencing it.  Samskaras.

We need to clear ourselves of samskaras ( the stored stuff we attempted to push away through suppression and repression) . We need to avoid that tendency to close over those samskaras so they do not come up.  We only create more samskara when we do that.  When we do not close...we stay open so   all of Life can come in and out, just the way it is meant to.  Stored samskaras can come up and out. We can become clean and pure. Shakti flows freely when we are. That way we feel  love all the time no matter what is happening out there ! 

Wouldn't that be something?

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( August 15, 2024) How to Feel Love All the Time. https://tou.org/talks/

Winter's Discontent Lingering...

 Now is  the winter of our discontent

made glorious summer by this sun of York;

...

Why, I,in this weak piping time of peace

have no delight to pass away the time

Shakespeare, Richard III, spoken by Gloucester

Unlike Gloucester and the characters he is speaking about I am not deformed, I have not seen great sorrow in war. I have not just stepped off the battle field to rejoice in a time of peace.  Yet, winter has passed and  summer is chrirping and shining all around me...it is a time to rejoice and laugh and play ... but  I feel winter's discontent lingering. I am having a challenging time just settling into this "discontent" lately.  I know why.  I have samskaras emerging and I have been asking and praying for their release. Yet, there is a sense of agitation as they come up and the world around me crumbles just a tiny bit more. There is a sense of not doing enough in some areas and of doing too much in others. This task that I did take on...the book...has been taking up my time and I seem to be losing my way with it a bit...getting attached perhaps to the fruits of action? ...I don't know.  I see on the calender it is mid August and I ask, "What have I done besides work on this thing my mind still tells me I had no business writing?"  The house around me is a mess...never did the deep cleaning I told myself I would do , "once this book is done."  Never got the other books out as I was intending to do, "once this book is done"; never put in that extra bit of oompf in my attempt to help my children...(the book was an easier challenge), so I told myself I will give it the old college try  "once this book is done."  I never focused on my own health rejuvenating routine. I told myself I am going to take two weeks to juice, increase cardio, and see if I can drop pounds and cholesterol..."once this book is done". Now I want the book done!! I want it out there helping in anyway it can. I feel my intention for it  was pure, the effort was exactly what I needed...I enjoyed most of the process creating...though there were moments I got lost in ego frustration...it was good and well worth the time and effort. But lately I find myself going to it to escape, only to realize the door is rusted shut and I cant get out . :) Such is the way when we seek anything outside ourselves as the solvent for our interior friction.  There really no open escape hatch. The only way out is through!

 I am working on the audio component necessary to make it a read along book. (Even if I cannot combine the two in one interactive book...I decided I will create an audio book to act as an audio companion for an e book, and a a hard copy book), Now...that is a lot of book and a lot of work. I have the voice and speaking ability...I just don't have the  equipment.  My sound proof booth is a walk in closet and even there...despite my signs and my pleads for people not to come into the room when I am recording...they do...and I have to record again and again and again. Sigh! That is a complaint!! lol I am starting to sound  like Gloucester on his self pity binge, aren't I?  

I have, however, been making it a point to sit with this interior friction more and more...to allow it...to experience it and to wish feverently for it to arise and come out of me once and for all. I know when it is gone and I am clean and pure inside...it won't matter what I do or don't do, what I am spending my time on and what I am not.  It won't matter if it is winter or spring....I will be okay...Life will be okay...all will be okay. 

 I wake up from each sitting with a few tears in my eyes but not the release that is needed.  Oh well, even that I accept as a part of my karmic path. I am still very much committed to healing through yoga.

It is all good! 

Religion Meant to Help Us Conquer the Inner Man

 It is good and very grand to conquer external nature, but grander still to conquer our internal nature. It is grand and good to know the laws that govern the stars and planets; it is infinitely grander and better still to know the laws that govern the passions, the feelings, the will, of mankind. This conquering of the inner man, understanding the secrets of the subtle workings that are within the human mind, and knowing its wonderful secrets, belong entirely to religion.

Vivekananda, Complete Works, 2-5 Jnana-Yoga

Religion is meant to help us heal, purify. understand and over come the limitations of the human mind. It is there to help us understand God...the Source of Consciousness.  We often get it all wrong and distort and twist it so it helps us conquer everything out there without taking ownership of the inner world.   We mix up and cling to this idea of God. 

Then there is the yogi who knows, God alone is real.

Hmm! 

Chit Shakti. Consciousness and energy emanate from the same Source and that is God

Michael Singer

You were created so God could experience creation through you! Self-realization is the greatest connection with God.

 All is well.

Michael A. Singer ( August 12, 2024) God: From Belief to Realization. https://tou.org/talks/

The Habit of Discontent

 Discontent, blaming, complaining, self pity cannot serve as a good foundation for a good future, no matter how much effort you make. 

Eckhart tolle

Discontent  is a habit.  It is a habit we have been conditioned to feed. I can attest to that by examining my own mind, and upon observing the discontent of others around me. I hear the resounding, "There is something missing; there is something not right!  I must seek, seek, seek, I must do what I can to change it.  Others and Life  must do and be exactly the way I need them to be as to not aggravate this state of discontent in me ! If I am discontented there must be a reason for it...you, it, they, the world is not behaving and is to blame." 

Who is discontented? Habit mind, of course, And what is habit mind?  Eckhart Tolle describes it as, patterns of your mind that are a part of your personality. It is the ego, the conceptual identity.  A yogi may describe it as the samskara layer of self ( with a lower case 's') but it isn't who you are...not at all. 

There exists in every human being the possibility of realizing there is in you the potential of a deeper level of consciousness...

How do we get there, according to Tolle? The present moment, of course. 

All there ever is in this moment, is the present moment...we experience life through it...acknowledgment of the present moment is absolutely vital....when you do the habits of you personality gradually subside. (paraphrased)

[This is]  living in  alignment with the "isness" of now. This means the thinking mind slows down and you acknowledge the now and whatever arises in the now, including... and especially the samll things in the present moment...just steps as you walk, the handling of the object, making a cup of tea,... ackknowledge the aliveness of everything ...

We have lost that connectedness with the present moment, with the "isness" of now because we have identified with a hungry ego that  is constantly trying to feed its discontent.

We are not the ego, it is just something we, as the consciousness that underlies the manifestation of everything we observe, is observing. 

We do not need to be lost in this habit. We can instead find peace in the here and now.  We can recognize who we are at teh deepest level. 

All is well. 

Eckhart Tolle (August 11, 2024) This is why you are discontent. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OumC2xYq8Mk&t=3s

Eckhart Tolle (August , 2024) 

...

Are You Evolving?

You can help evolution by participating in it.

and

You can get better by practicing evolution.

The two quotes above are from Michael A. Singer's podcast centered around this well heard line, Earth is  a place where souls are sent to evolve.

What is evolution and what is a soul? 

When we speak about evolution in this way, we are not speaking of the Darwinian survival of the  fittest and physical adaptation...we are talking about a deeper more lasting evolution that goes beyond body and mind.  We are talking about consciousness, the essence of who we are at the deepest level, which is the soul. Evolution is a pulling away from false identity and  remembering who and what we are.  It is all about being able to fall back from the distractions of the external and internal (thoughts and emotions) world and learning to stay in the seat of consciousness.  I see it as waking up from  a fog of amnesia or dementia  and saying, "Oh I am not that.  I am This. I never left the seat , my attention just wandered away for a moment." 

 The outside world and our mental ones have a great pull and sometimes they pull consciousness into them, so much so that consciousness gets lost and over identified with these things. It believes it is the body, mind, and all the drama the body and mind are creating and experiencing.  It forgets what and who it is and therefore,  the Seat it is sitting on. If we could stay in the Seat and simply observe what is happening 'out there' , (and in our minds and hearts) objectively, without judgement  or attachment...we would not have this false sense that we  left the Seat. 

So the goal of the soul's evolution then, is to bring its attention  back to Itself sitting on the Seat. It is about realizing it isn't what it thought it was as "little me". Next, it is about once again seeing Itself as that light of  consciousness that was shining on the "little me", not the little me.  It is about being aware that we are awareness.

If we could experience Life from a grounded and aware position on the Seat of Consciousness, we would be able to handle all of it.  There would be no more resisting, preferring, selecting, or avoiding. We would simply be able to watch and experience all that was gong down in front of and inside of "this human", enjoying it all. The soul is that which never leaves the  Seat of Consciousness. The full experience of being in that Seat is evolution.

We are here on Earth to participate fully in this evolutionary dance...to practice the steps, which will involve just as much goofing up as it will getting it right, until we remember who and where we are.

All is well. 

Michael A. Singer ( August 11, 2024) Evolution: The Ability to Handle Reality

Keeping the Door Open

 It is not your task to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. 

Rumi

If you don't close the door it stays open...you have the ability to "not close" that door. 

I think I can say now that most (or at least half) of the stuff I encounter passes through...even big things.  Maybe, it is even easier for the big things to pass through than some of those smaller ones I still get all tangled up in.

We need to stop closing the door to new stuff. We need to commit to keeping the door open.

Then we use our will to allow the samskara to come up as we accept the pain that comes with it. Let's not push it back down and the big stored stuff will go on its own.  

I am going to work everyday to let go of these blockages. 

That's a good mantra.

All is well.

Michael A. Singer ( August 8,2024)Traanscending the Cause of Preference https://tou.org/talks/

Just Rambling

 

 

A beam of light 

captured in a glass,

confined to

a tiny vessel,

 it shines 

on a small slither of world.

Creating shadows,

it flickers and ducks

when each breeze of Life 

passes through.

Rather than a ray 

of glorious eternal light,

 it is now

 just a dim lamp

fearing that it will 

be blown out

at any time. 

Absolutely no connection or thougt...just came out

I had a preference

and there was commotion...

I felt the need to do.

I took a breath

and stilled myself

and asked the question "Who?"

I jotted down those lines as I was listening to Michael Singer's podcast from yesterday this morning. I woke up thinking about all the writing projects I meant to fnish this summer...the book I just finished was just one project!! I wrote two other books this year related to my tutoring experience and writing...and I promised myself I would have them revised, edited and sent out.  Did I? Nope. I wanted a chap book out there. Nope!  I really wanted to work on the novel I decided to revamp ...a very meaningful project and what I assume will allow for a lot of samskara release in me.  So many ideas are coming to mind on how I can rework it...had such an inspiration this morning.  Yet, I put all the other " writing work" above it.  Hmm! 

Anyway...just rambling.  Have a yoga class in a few...going to leave you with my jumbled thoughts. ( ir what some may call, "Flight of ideas".)

All good.

Michael A. Singer ( August 10, 2024) Transcending the Cause of Preference. https://tou.org/talks/

All is well 

Listen

 Just listen and allow yourself to be breathed.

Offering a very imperfect awareness video below. I mean, I as the human who created it and "starred" in it (with the supporting actor role going to a birthday bouquet I received lol) am judging it as imperfect and flawed ...but the message isn't. It is a helpful practice should you care to get past the apparent imperfections.

All is well!

The Zest Of Creating Things New

 

True happiness comes from the joy of deed well done, the zest of creating things new.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Two Breaths Away From Done

I am almost done a four month writing project and I am happy to be so! I will also miss the zest I experienced while I was creating.  I love creating!!

I am so close to finishing this book, this learning package, this project...whatever you want to call what I have been so dilligently working on since May. Yesterday I forced myself to sit to get all the writing and exercises that were left  done! And at midnight I walked away.  I have to fix the conclusion I wrote in my blurry eyed desperation to finish. Not good-lol I just need another run through, another tweak here or there (of course the tweaking can get a little cra-cra...one change leading to another and another and another lol.) I don't want that.  I want this to be done.  It is time. 

 I also have to tidy up my reference list which is very, very long lol and I am not even sure what format to use: APA, MLA, or just the rough citation style I use here. Does it really matter, I ask myself.  Is it going to go anywhere but here?  I mean I did get referred to an agency that might need this stuff from one of the university presses I sent it to. It is being reviewed.  Of course, since I sent that proposal I made a 100 little improvements and discovered another 100 little areas that were less than perfect,  on what I sent, as is the way but man...I want it done and placed. I  just want to wrap up this little bundle in a nice pretty blanket, make sure it is clean, well fed, and happy as I drop it off at a new home that will look after it... where it will grow and be of  good use to the world. Then I can say, "My work is done!" 

A Rejection Poked Samskara

I got a rejection today as I am in the midst of finishing up.  Not from the agency, but from  another university press I sent a proposal to.  I am so used to rejections and know the insignificance of each rejection in terms of the impersonal nature of them. I do know that it often has little to do with the offering or the writer but a matter of lining up exactly with the expectations and the needs of that press at the exact time those needs emerge. Statistically, there is a very low probability of that...especially with a small press that only puts out a few publicatons a year. And a university press?  They need the initials behind the name.  Though I know all that and know how silly it is to personalize a rejection,  there is still a tiny, weeney little bit of me asking "Am I not a good enough writer? Is my offering not good enough? I should have  my masters and a PhD before I try to publish such a thing? How silly it was for me to put all this energy into this...me of all people. Who did I think I was?" 

Though it was a weak and tiny, little voice saying all that, one I just want to smile at and pat on the head, I heard it. It triggered...well gently poked...that samskara of "not enough" in me, making it growl a little bit before rolling over. Sigh! Just  a little poke but I felt it. Just a little growl and a little roll but I heard and felt it. I feel some doubt about whether or not I should expect publication.

The worst enemy to creativity is self doubt.

Sylvia Plath

I am just glad that the self-doubt didn't surface fully  until it was time to make visible what was  created and not so much during the process itself. 

The Ultimate Fruit

  I don't want to push that feeling experience  back down.  I would love for that samskara to wake up completely, come up roaring in protest if that is required to push its way  to the surface ...be felt and experienced fully...and then pack its bags and leave.  That would be the ultimate fruit of this action if there were to be any. 

Creativity and Service: Not About Me

I told myself when I began, and I meant it, "This is not about me but what I can give.  I am not going to be attached to the fruits of this action, to the outcome.  I am just going to follow this pull I have to offer something, to write and work on this project everyday, just enjoying the process of creating something of value,  and what ever happens happens." 

The Zest of Creating

And it was a lovely process with a selfless intention. This human got something from it too. I felt purpose and meaning.  I love to learn and I learned so very much.  I love to teach and I enjoyed the process of teaching...even if I never have a student in this proverbial classroom. :) I love to write and I wrote. So, as it all comes to an end...and the finished product sits in front of me... I need to stay detached from whatever happens with this that was created. It is not about me. It just came through this body and mind. I enjoyed being the conduit. It was fun. It is all good.

Making it Visible?

I am kind of inspired by a line from Oprah Winfrey

Make visible, what without you, might perhaps  never have been seen.

I will make it visible.  Maybe there is something here that will benifit many. I would like to think so.  Regardless of what happens, I am glad I was open to that little pull that said "Write this book. Allow it to be seen."  I am glad I could relax and be the perfect conduit for it to come through

Hmm! All is well. 

Progress Report

 Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation.

Oscar Wilde

My learning journey began with discontent. Did yours?

As an educator for many years, checking progress at frequent intervals a long the learning journey, became something I naturally did and do. I find myself checking my own progress every now and again as I learn in this Earth school where souls come to evolve. 

What I am checking for is how I am progressing away from the personal and into the impersonal. Am I getting anywhere there? Yes! 

Michael Singer gave an example of what the impersonal part of us does  when it comes across an accident. A few years ago, D. and I were travelling behind someone who was obviously impaired, driving and swerving through traffic wicked fast. Their truck literally went off the gravel on the side of the rode and high  into the air for quite a distance, over an embankment,  hit a tree, and nosedived to the ground landing on the hood.  As soon as it landed I was out of our car...D. didn't even have time to stop the car, and running toward the scene. Without fear, or any thought at all really, I was on top of the  car attempting to get to the driver. A truck driver going the opposite direction had stopped and before I knew it he was pulling me out of the smoking car so he could shut of the ignition before the thing caught on fire. ( I never thought...my only focus was on getting to the driver). I tended to him until the ambulance arrived. He miraculously survived. When they were ready to take him, and after I was questioned by police, I walked away and a bystander said to me..."maybe you should wash off some of that blood".  I looked down and I was covered ...my new blouse was ruined...It was then that I kind of came too. I never once thought of HIV or Hep during the experience...like I said, I never thought of much. Infact, I, as this me,  wasn't there.  

Later someone commented about my experience as an emergency room nurse kicking in. I knew that wasn't completely the case either. Though the skills I learnt will always be with me, I hadn't worked in that way for decades and I was never a great ER nurse lol...always too anxious about what might come through the doors or what the doctors might say. Though I was pretty smart, this neurotic person I was then, was always in the way of me doing the job I was more than capable of doing. 

After years of yoga and internal healing there I was responding in the purest of ways to a life event that had unfolded in front of me. There was no neurotic, selfish little me in the way. There was no personal self.  It was completely impersonal.  To this day I always go "Wow!" when I think of that. Not because I as a person did something great, brave  and heroic...I didn't...not at all..Tthis "me" did nothing because there was no person called "me" there. 

I could also say I am progressing in my detachment more and more from the personal self in my relationships.  I do not expect others to make me happy...not at all. Sometimes, I am happier around others, especially, my grandchildren  and sometimes, I find myself uneasy around others but I do know that no one out there is responsible for that happiness or lack of. People can still hit my buttons but I know fully that is only because I have yet to get rid of all my buttons.  I used to be a "romantic" and now I see that as something reserved for my favorite poets who wrote during the romantic era. The love I seek is much deeper and it isn't going to come from outside of me. My relating to others has changed dramatically.

That being said, though I feel great compassion for others I am quite detached from drama...to the point  that when people come to me with their personal woes...that seem so trivial and insignificant to me now...I do not respond in the way they want me to.  I feel great love and compassion, concern for them as they suffer but I also see the unecessity of it. I am often accused of now being "cold and detached". I usually reply by saying," You are half right. I am detached...but I am feeling warm and detached." That usually doesn't go over very good. 

I do find myself in the dharma flow more.  I just want to help and serve in a significant way before my time in this life ends. I really do not want it to be about "me" anymore.  I see how this "me" is simply in the way of my peace and the world's peace.

Though I am advancing,  I do see though that I am not a true depersonalized yogi at this point.  I still have some attachments.  I still have a big fat nosiy ego chirping away in my ear. :) Albeit, much less than ever before, I still feel challenged and pulled down into the muck and mire of human drama from time to time.  I also know I still have a lot of samskara to get out of this vessel so I can become as pure as I hope to be. I have a ways to go yet....but I am getting there.  I am getting there.

My progress report for this final term review might say something to the effect,

"This human is progressing nicely on her learning journey. She has accomplished many of the tasks put before her as part of the curriculum.  Still needs to improve in certain areas...must be reminded to work on this, that, and the other thing.  But she is a keen and motivated student with a genuine desire to learn. For that reason, she is a pleasure to have in the classroom.  Wishing her all the best on the next lag of her journey.  Keep up the good work!!"

Of course, the teacher won't spoil the mood by mentioning that I have been in third grade for a few decades lol

What might your progress report look like at this point? Kind of neat to think about it, isn't it?

All is well! 

Micahel A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( August 5, 2024) Letting Go-Bridging the Gap Between Personal and Impersonal.https://tou.org/talks/

The State of "I Am" and the "Directionless Direction"

 Ego seeks more and fears to be less.

Eckhart Tolle

As I observe the experience this human is having trying to adjust to the realization that nothing out there is going to give this being that I am, (what  ego  erroneously thinks), that "It" needs, I came across these videos. As I caught myself stopping, or at least greatly slowing down, the adventure and "more"  seeking this human has done most of its life;  and then  feeling  lost without the ups and downs it has become so used to, a little "bored" and "less than", maybe,  with the  the experience of neutral...these videos seemed to reach out to grab my attention. 

I was glad, first of all, to discover that this "thinking there should be more" is a common experience at this part of the waking up process. That an adjustment is happening.

You see, I thought there was something wrong with me for not caring so much to go out and look for experiences this summer. (We usually make summers all about seeking new experiences: travelling, exploring, kayaking around the Fundy rocks, hiking, repelling down cliffs, zip lining, horse back riding, tenting, and golfing  different greens throughout the province etc.). I also thought there was something wrong with me for where I seem to be emotionally: not feeling overly happy or overly sad... in the neutral zone between those emotions. I thought there was something wrong with me for thinking that what I am doing here and now...with the writing, the yoga,  walking around the yard and the people in my immediate environment (and no offense I could not care who I was with right now)...was enough. What I do is not that important to me anymore...and I have been questioning if that was unhealthy. We got asked to go on a short trip with D.'s family and I found myself thinking, whereas I would have jumped at the opportunity for any summer adventure before, " Why would I go? I know I won't find anything on that trip that I can't find right here and now." I questioned again, "Is there something wrong with me?" 

Then, I came across these videos, and was immediately comforted by the shared truth that it was ego who was questioning, seeking more, and fearing less...not who I am. It was ego that wanted all those adventures. It was ego that compares itself to others doing more, having more, looking like more...and says, "I am not enough...do something!"  It is ego that is missing the ups and downs of Life's emotional Roller coaster ride and that is finding it hard to settle into this state of neutrality.  Ego likes to "react" to Life and when I don't, it feels unsettled.

Hmm!

I knew deep within me, as confirmed by these videos, that it is okay to be in this state of neutrality...more than okay.  And I don't have to go out and seek more to attempt to appease an ego that will never be appeased or to redeem an ego that will never be redeemed enough.  It is ego, not being, that is uncomfortable with this state of neutrality.

But ego is just a self concept, isn't it?  It is just an "idea" I have (or had) of who Iam. It isn't who I am, is it? I do not have to add anymore to this mental construct of who I erroneously think I am, do I? 

"What is", is enough!

"I am"...the experience of true being...is more than okay with peaceful neutrality ...which is equanimity...because that is what it is.

Rupert Spira said to another questioning if their state of neutrality was enough in the below video, somewhat paraphrased:

No objective experience can give you what you truly want. Realizing this truth can lead to despair...but there is another directionless direction where you can find the peace you are looking for...

Just say to self, "I am" ...that is your experience...don't add to it...just, "I am"...know the experience of being...if you are certain of that "I am" than you are being...

Go into the experience of being...that is the peace [that passes all understanding].  ..that is the Kingdom of Heaven you are looking for.

Hmm! Well, it got me thinking. What about you?

All is Well.

Rupert Spira (July, 2024 ) "Why Is Simply Being Not Enough for Me?" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjRnrPCT-M8

Eckhart Tolle ( August 4, 2024) " Eckhart Tolle on Identity: Who Are You Really?"  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_S2PLRGOx3g

Eckhart Tolle ( August 2, 2024) How to appreciate your life without getting attached. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IRUMpPm3iI

Surrendering to the River

Every energy inside you is meant to go to God...surrender to the energy flow.

Michael A. Singer

I once white watered the Penobscot with some friends (and a guide). In our instructional session before hitting the big water (and it was big...class 5 rapids) the guide instructed, "If by chance you fall in, just lay back with your feet up and let the waters take you. Do not fight or struggle against the current.  The more relaxed you are the less likely you will be to get hurt."

I see that now as a metaphor for Life.  The river is Life...taking us to the ocean.  It is the perfect Shakti flow taking us to Self, God, the Source of everything.  ( I truly do not care what you call it.)The class five rapids we sometimes travel down are what Singer refers to as "the commotion of emotion"...it is a mixed up flow as the energy destined for the Source gets snagged on rocks and other things creating a disturbance in that intended peaceful flow.  It is the effect of samskaras! We get caught up in all our stored stuffed as we naturally proceed to the Ocean. We forget where we are heading and  fall into the drama. We struggle against it; we resist it; we fight the waves and we get pretty beat up as we do. We suffer.  If we learn to relax, however, and do exactly as the guide instructed us to on that day decades ago, we will get to where we are going. The problem isn't the river; it is our resistance to it. Lay back, put your feet up, and surrender to the River of Life.

Hmm! Something to think about. 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( August 4, 2024) Understanding Supression, Expresson, and Transmutation. https://tou.org/talks/

Detachment

 He who would be serene and pure, needs but one thing, detachment. 

Meister Eckhart

I went to bed thinking about detachment; I woke up thinking about detachment; and I meditated with this idea of "detaching" in mind.  Then I came to the listening part of my practice and what did I stumble upon but a video from Eckhart Tolle on...you guessed it!... detachment. lol.

Whatever it is that I am experiencing these days is unfamiliar to me.  I am waiting for the day when that sense of walking on unstable ground disappears.  I spent most of my life being pulled into the vortex of drama my mind creates.  Now, I am detached in a way I never was before...in a way I never dreamed of being detached. This novel experience  is a little unsteady. I am still very much in this world, moving around, "doing" things etc., but I don't seem to be attached to anything I do. I am not attached to this life...if that makes sense.  I definitely do not want it to end any time soon, but I know I would be okay if it did??  I am by no means immersed into the realm of sat chit ananda, feeling peace and joy, and bliss...all the time. In fact, I am not overly happy. At the same time I am not depressed.  I find moments of great peace over the simplest of things. I am consistently grateful, and I am being pulled down into the muck and mire of human drama less and less.  I appreciate nature, art, science, literature much more than I ever did. Still there is this neutrality to my observing and experiencing now. It doesn't bore me.  It gives me peace.  I guess, this is what the Buddha referred to as equanimity. 

In this state, I have no "desire" to do anything more than what I am doing.  This summer sitting here working on this book ego constantly reminds me I have no business writing, getting out to the yard to sit amongst the trees and the birds, to spend a day a week  completely absorbed by my  three grandchildren, to practice yoga daily: hatha (my classes and my individual practice), kriya (every morning I follow Yogananda's directions because I so want to free myself from these samskara blockages within me), jnana/bhakti ( they kind of go together for me as I listen, read, study, and write about what I am learning) and mostly karma yoga which is becoming a natural part of my life now....is enough. My life as it is right now, as boring as it may appear to others, is enough. 

I don't think about doing more...I don't seek to do more.  I have such little FOMA as I hear of others doing more.  This that I do is enough because this who I am as I do is more than enough.   I really get it now that nothing 'out there' is going to give me anymore than I already have.  

I am asked, "Do you want to go golfing?" and though I like golfing, I hear myself saying..."Oh I don't know...maybe someday."  It is not that I lost interest in golfing...I just lost this false idea that mastering the skill of golf  is going to give me that little extra something I thought I needed. It won't. The same with trips away, eating in  restaurants, going on adventures...I am not amiss to doing any of these things but I am somewhat detached to the doing of them.  It is like a 'take it or a leave it' scenario for me.

 When it comes to people...I am detached.  It isn't that I love the people in my life any less...I just seem to need them less and I know they don't need me in the way their mind's are telling them they need me. I don't need them to need me.  I am truly wanting them to realize they do not need me as much as they think they do. I have no false ideations that they are "mine", and  there to serve me in some way anymore. I also don't own their problems.  I mean, I see things so differently when they are sharing their problems with me...I see the bigger picture and I am not pulled in to the drama near as much as I used to be.  I do feel the pain but I am not lost in it. I see...truly see... that others are not able to give me anything that I don't already have inside me so I cling to no one! I see that I cannot give them anything other than what they already have inside them. I also see that they do not have the power to pull me down unless I jump into their drama.  I don't jump.  

I am much less attached to "things" too. Grateful I have a roof over my head, but I do little to make this house appear a certain way to appease others. I feel less and less ashamed of this appearance of " having less" that is obvious around me now.  I don't have a car.  For the longest time I heard myself and others saying, "Oh you need a car.  Women your age need a car. Not only is it a sign of your social status, but you need something to get you places.  You cannot depend on others to drive you everywhere." I am really not missing a car and don't seem to care if I ever get one.

Less and less attached to what I am writing... I am finding peace in the realization that I will probably never be recognized as a writer in a legitimate way.  Still, I write...I write for the sheer joy of writing and giving something back. I write more and write better even without that attachment. It is pouring out of me! Hmm. 

 I still have challenges and life events to deal with...they show up...I look deeply at them...I feel what needs to be felt...I do what needs to be done ...and then I allow it to pass through. My healing is everything to this human now because I see it...I truly see it as the best thing I can do for the suffering around me. And I do sense and feel the suffering in the world much more than I ever did. Being aware of and experiencing is different than being attached! 

 Just last night I watched a lovely movie on Prime, "Arthur the King" and it triggered a host of stored pet grief and other things within me.  I cried like a baby. I said, "Great...I am going to use this as a part of my practice."  I simply allowed the tears and whatever was trying to come up to come up.  I became acutely aware of the suffering of so many beings on this planet: of all species, of my loved ones, of people I didn't know. of animals, of everything.  I felt it all...not in the usual context..."how does this apply to me"...but with this realization that it all applies to "me"...and none of it applies to "me" cuz there really is no me. I felt so much tremendous sorrow for a minute that had little to do with "me". It was so pure and selfless...  from a position of detachment, I simply observed and experienced the energy of this sadness flowing through this human...until it passed through. And what was passing through was not apathy or indifference, but authentic compassion for all those who were suffering.  Now, that is detachment!

I don't know. A psychiatrist might say I was suffering from depersonalization...and though I might agree that this is a form of depersonalization...I would not deem it as a problem. Depersonalization and detachment are wonderful steps toward true healing.

All is well in my world. 

Eckhart Tolle ( August, 2024) How to Appreciate Your Life Without Getting Attached. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IRUMpPm3iI