It matters that you accept things that have nothing to do with you. [and most things in Life have nothing to do with you.] ...Practice letting go of the personal.
Michael A. Singer
I am by no means a perfect meditator, far from it. I go down to my studio every morning, pop a squat on the floor, pick up my mala, and I close my eyes as I move my fingers from one bead to the other but my mind seldom stops completely. Nor do I ask it to. My goal is not to transcend the mind into some mystical consciousness reality, but to simply fall a bit back away from mind and what it naturally does, to observe it from the place of Objective Observer.
The mind thinks, that is its nature. The hyperactive, busy -world-conditioned personal mind...thinks a lot. I have one of those lol. I have learned not to ask my mind to be something it isn't.
So when I, in meditation practice (and it is a practice for a reason...no perfection expected, just learning), find myself in a state where I am back in the Seat of the Observer witnessing this busy mind attempting to take me off the rails... even if that witnessing is only for a minute of the 20 plus minutes I am seated...that, to me, is a succssful practice. Every moment that I am not lost in the personal nature of my dramatic thought streams, is a moment of grace. Every moment where I catch myself watching myself getting lost or about to get lost or coming back from being lost...is a timeless moment spent in the Seat of the Objective Observer again. It is a notch on my belt indicating growth and success where we all need it the most. I may not stay there, in witness consciousness, long but every second of that experience is special to me. I even have been having moments in that Seat where I am aware that I am aware of having no thoughts. It is like the both the thought stream and time freez. I find myself observing the world in that pause. Mind will, before long, bring me back from that and into a flow of thought but every microsecond of thoughtless awareness is so cool. I find myself saying at those times, "Wow! I am in the Seat again!" That, of course, is a thought that can pull me back into the stream of thinking. I am hoping to get to the state where I just realize... without thought or explanation...that I am not just in the Seat, I am the Seat.
Today, when I was seated my mind was busy with one thought in particular...a thought that has been nagging at me for years now, rising up to stir up the muddy waters of an already disturbed mind. :) It is a thought that I generally push down as if it were a rubber duckie I want no one else to see. I have been holding it and all the feelings of confusion it creates down with it for so long. It is, I am discovering very challenging and energy draining to hold such things down when they want nothing more than to be on the surface. I just don't know how I would deal with it if it were to come up and float freely on the surface making its reality obvious to all, especially to me. It would mean, possibly, some major life changes that I am not sure I am ready to make with everything else I have going on. Sigh! It would mean hurting others I do not want to hurt. It would mean enduring great loss myself and an unpredictable future. This thought is a truth I don't want to deal with. It is a truth others do not want to deal with.
There were moments when I relaxed my downward hold on this thought. I began, then, to express this truth to others...gently, subtley, with compassion and respect as well as a collection of truthful grievances that I had hoped would support my arguement for a need for change ...but the others, all but the counsellor I speak to once a month, basically told me to stop thinking that thought. That, at my age, it wuld incur a change that would make no sense. Other people's reaction triggered shame in me (without anyone meaning to) for even having such a thought. I felt I was being unkind, selfish, playing the victim, over dramatic, creating issues where no issues existed. The person or people involved in this thought stream were so good and well loved by everyone...how could I have a problem with them? It is true, there is not an an ounce of malicious intent, a heck of a lot of unconsciousness and a lack of a thoughtfulness, but no malice or ill will. How can I find faultt with that when I too am unconscious at times? So, I did what I was conditioned to do. I pushed it all back down and leaned into the hold.
Still, every now and again...especially when I see evidence of how one sided and draining this thing seems to be for "me", up it pops again. The thought will arise, "What about you and your happiness and wellness? You have been so drained by this. You have put so much into this, given so much, so much is expected of you, and what are you getting back? Very little. Don't you deserve the same effort, kindness, thoughtfulness, and compassion you give? And will you get it here like this? You know you won't! This is not, nor was it ever, what others want to believe it is...what you may have wanted others to believe it was ...what you wanted to beleive it was...and you know it!"
How does the mind counter that? "Well are you not all about getting rid of the personal? So what if the "me" is being drained and its needs are being neglected? Isn't this what your journey is all about? To get rid of me and its neediness?" This idea of letting go of the personal is another reason why I keep pushing these thoughts and feelings down. Sigh! It gets confusing.
I don't want to supress and repress what I am thinking and feeling. I don't want to feel shame for feeling what I am feeling either. I do not want to spend my lfe serving the me and its needs. I am fully aware that nothing out there, no one out there, is responsible for making me happy or unhappy but me. Maybe, this situation is a part of my karma...a learning environment I have been given to help me gain the mastery of being undisturbed and peaceful no matter what, to find joy from within no matter what is happening and who I am with. That is what I pray for.
So the question that arises from this thought that keeps popping up is, "Do I continue to give, give, give knowing that I will get nothing back in return but an opportunity to learn how to remain undisturbed? Is that enough? "
I don't know. What I do know is, regardless if it is personal mind or higher mind bringing this thought up, that so wants to be explored, for me to deal with, I need to stop pushing and holding it down. Repression and suppression, I know, are the answer to nothing but misery.
This is what the Objective Observer witnessed today in my meditation practice. It certainly wasn't thoughtless, but it was powerful, just the same.
All is well,
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