Waking Up in a Busy World: The Fruits of Helping Action

I work to end suffering without being attached to whether or not suffering ends.

Ram Dass

I am going to share. Brace yourself. I have been feeling so overwhelmed by my present life circumstances again. Feel myself burning out. Why am I frustrated by the suffering of others?:

It is so in my face. I cannot escape it anymore. I wake up and it is right there in front of me
I ...this form and mind...is exhausted and not 100% well because it is not receiving enough nutriments to sustain it in a wholesome and healthy way. I have been so busy taking care of others, I neglected myself again. I have been pouring the last little drops out from my dry cup when people come to me with their cups to fill.
I got lost in the identity of "helper" again. Redeemer ego wanted to lift this idea of "me" up to this, "I may be broke; I may have lost all external forms of success; I may not even have so much as a car to drive anymore but wow...look at me...I am a selfless helper. A true martyr." I can't believe I went there again. Yuck!
and most obviously...I was too attached to the fruits of my actions...I was thinking in my mind, "If I am going to invest all this time and energy into serving, helping...I better see some positive results. I am not seeing positive results because it doesn't work that way.
I feel like a failure as a helper, as a mom and sometimes as a human being. Sigh!

So this is what I observe this "me" experiencing as I look at my reactions to what Life has unfolded in front of me. ( Unfolded? Feels like it dumped ten tons of unfolded laundry on my head and said "Fold!lol)

Anyway, I can get to what lies beneath all this apparent chaos of circumstance and reaction for the peace that is there. That peace is my reality, this doesn't have to be.

Yes, it is so much in my face and there appears to be only a little distance between me and it...but there is distance!!! It may not seem like much distance but there is distance. I am not the suffering going on in me and around me...I am the Observer of it! As soon as I slip into Observer, I create distance between who I am and that which I am observing. I can also disentangle this little entity called "me" from that which it appears to be tangled up in. This "me" is not the one with the issues that causes such suffering. So there is distance there. I may be holding up that suffering...owning it ...trying to fix it for others but it isn't "mine" in physical terms. I can always put it down or give it back to the person over there that calls themself the " suffering me". " I did not create it. I cannot control it. I cannot change it." "I didn't break it so I can't fix it." Sigh...just saying that brings a bit of "relief".
I can begin to look after me. Now, I do have a problem with that because I am caught between the spiritual intention to dissolve "me" all together and the human intention for psychological and physical self care. I mean, I know I have physical needs which I am not putting great effort into meeting. That is why my body is reacting right now. Without this body, I can not get around to do anything for anybody here. I aslo, as a person who is not yet fully evolved, have psychological needs that may involve nurturing this idea of "me" until I get beyond it all together. I mean...I need to find a way to open up to joy and peace even if it involves a certain entrenchment in physical world pursuits that go beyond my yoga practice...I need a break from all this challenging external stuff. ...like a mini escape away from all this for a while to regroup. I do want to be able to remain open to everything that Life gives me...I do...I do not want to run, suppress any more junk, escape ...I want to pay off any karmic debt I owe...but I wonder when we are in a state like this to we accumulate more unwholesome karma? Is it not a good idea to step away for a brief period of time?
I have to put away the label of "helper". I am not a helper...I am a human being who simply wants to do what I can for other suffering beings. I am a human being first...meaning that the human part of me has needs too. Hmm! I cannot pour from an empty cup. I have to fill this cup up.
I also need to stop being so attached to the fruits of my actions...I can only do what I can do and leave the rest up to God. Just like a physician can not save every life ...they do their best to alleviate suffering and eventually must let go of outcome to nature....I must do the same here. I cannot save anybody! Especially if they don't want to be saved. I can love, encourage, support, offer counsel when requested, set limits that protect them and others as much as possible...but that's it. Sigh. I do not know how this is going to turn out. I don't. I see, though, how this letting go can also have a positive effect on outcome. There was one individual in this household at one time that I was so sure would never get beyond his choices...I let go...gave him back what was his...gave him a little push out and stood by to encourage and support from a distance. He did overcome that which was holding him down. Sigh
Oh, I hear old familiar Shamer Ego in my mind telling me I am a failure as a helper and a Mom...but I do not have to listen. That is, afterall, just a bunch of old conditioning. It never served me then and it does not serve me now. I may not be able to shut it up right now but I can get beyond it.
I also remind myself that this so called "suffering" is universal. I am not the only human or the only being suffering. Of course, "my" so called suffering is actually coming from the suffering of those I love...but they are, in my ego mind just extensions of "me" so my mind says ..."my suffering". So many are suffering "out there" and that suffering is often far greater in other beings, than I have yet to experience. I don't want to lose my sense of compassion for others by focusing on me and mine. So, I am reading, Incidents in a Life of A Slave Girl, by Harriet Ann Jacobs. Now that puts suffering into perspective...let me tell ya!