Being Conscious

 Eventually you will come to see that it is the presence of consciousness itself that brings joy.

Michael A. Singer

We just got back from a little trip away and I can honestly say it was a wonderful learning experience for the life-long course I am taking, Consciousness 101. Is it merely  ironic that before  I left I listened to the below podcast and made a silent vow to stay conscious throughout the trip? That meant remaining fully away of what was unfolding outside and what was unfolding inside.

Everything you seek through form happens to be your nature

 Escape-minded, we went on this trip away with the intention of "winging it" as much as we could. D. made a reservation at the last minute, at what looked to be a beautiful spot for an unbelievable price. So though we still wanted to 'go with the flow', we approached our accomodation  with a certain degree of expectation.  In fact, I was very conscious on the way there of how "hopeful" I was and conscious of the way I talked to myself when I recognized the hope inside. "Hope?  You know better than that.  No expectations, remember?  Just let it all unfold as it will unfold.The joy is in you already."

when things are the way we want them, the mind settles down and the energy can flow.

 Well what we thought would be a 3 hour drive there turned out to be a 5 + hour drive.  I was aware of what was going on around me as we drove...the beautiful scenery, the blue sky and sunshine, the traffic in areas.  I was aware of the company and the conversations.  I was also aware of the pleasant feelings in me which I attributed to the "hope and excitement" I felt about getting away from the  focus on heavy objects of consciousness for a while.  I was aware of anticipation of what the future held for us...the excitement of  "mystery" of what lay ahead. So I felt a certain amount of "joy".  I was "experiencing"  the joy and  neglected to remember  where that joy was coming from: consciousness itself. I fell back into old habit tendencies of assuming,  it was because of the pleasant. preferable conditions of the outside world and the conditions of my inside world ( pleasant feelings, pleasant thoughts), that I felt good.  So when I caught myself assuming, I would remind myself  (until I fell back into old habit tendencies again) that I was simply open because I was in in the moment, aware, and consciousness.  I was joyful becasue I was open and present.

...we are aware of joy because joy is consciousness

Now we realized it seemed to be taking us a long time to get there.  ...a lot longer than expected and we were travelling away from towns  into very desolate areas. Maybe that is why the price was so good, we thought. I started to question the nature of the booking, as we drove,...something just didn't feel right. I had a bit of a gut feeling that I pushed down. (Supposed to be aware...not follow and not push down ...just notice and be aware, right?).  

...thoughts feelings and forms are just objects of consciousness

So anyway, we finally get there...in what seems to be the middle of no where and we encounter this beautiful place from the pictures and I think, "Well that made the drive worth it." There is this big beautiful property and no cars and I am thinking, "This is strange.  It is already well past check in time". The "owner" drives up on a lawn tractor from  next door and right away he reminds me so much of someone from my past: looked like him, talked like him, acted like him and I felt this instant samskara triggering. I couldn't trust him. (I am assuming this very intense sense of warning came from my samskara). He takes us around this beautiful property to the office in the back? I comment on the gardening.  He tells me he has had an excellent gardener since inception as well as explaining and pointing out all the herbs and stuff planted ( I believe he is the gardener then and wonder why he just didn't admit to that. Afterall, we did see him drive up on a lawn tractor.) .  Anyway...we go into the office and we see it is a mess...so many pictures and stuff from "previous ownership" scattered all over the place. He then goes into great detail about how he got the place and what he did with it, great detail,  but the more he talks, the more this gut feeling in me gets stronger. Something doesn't feel right. I tell myself it is just because he reminds me so much of this untrustworthy person from my past. (remember...we are not to follow these feelings but neither are we to push them away...just be aware of them). Regardless,  I push away the feeling.  I just want to get to our room.  

devote yourself to the consciousness...be conscious...be aware of everything inside and out.

He then drops a bit of a bomb that our room is not in this building but in the barn out back. Huh? He takes us to a literal barn out back.  Okay so I am trying desperately, as we approach the barn,  to stay conscious of the experience outside as well as what is going on inside me. I am experiencing a big "WTFork?'  I remind myself that I still want to stay positive and enjoy this adventure  by accepting all that unfolds in front of us.  Maybe the rooms are rustic in there but very nice?  I am committed to letting things be as they are....but man when we walk into the barn and see other people there and are shown the community fridge, then our little room, and the shared half bath outside the room that we "might not have to share with others depending on bookings". ...I am having a really hard time accepting what is.

I am also getting some strange vibes from the owner.   He is telling us things like how his internet got compromised and people were checking in on his business because of it. And I thought, "Oh paranoid schizophrenic? Is this another Bates Motel scrape?" ( not that I judge schizophrenia in that way). I am also wondering, "Where is the bloody shower?" There was no mention of a shower.  This is crazy.  Sure it was below seasonal rates elsewhere...but we paid way too much to be stuck in the middle of nowhere in a barn with no shower ( or TV...which I was okay with). (Apparently there was a communal shower downstairs to be shared with 6 other guests...we discovered that on our way out).  It is very obvious then  that this is a hostel and not a hotel...not the comfy get away I was expecting.  I became conscious of how disappointed, how uncomfortable I felt at the prospect of staying there.  I was also aware of how I was talking to myself, "Come on! So D. made a mistake and booked you into a hostel. You call yourself a yogi and you cannot stay in a hostel for the night?  You are preferring! So what...you have to share a shower...so what...it isn't what you expected.  This is what it is. Make the best of it. " 

Still, there was something stronger brewing in me. This "be a yogi"  rationalization was competing with the intuition in me that kept saying, "There is something strange about this! Maybe it was not D.'s mistake afterall. The owner cannot be trusted! Go!  Just go!"   I struggled and when D. said, "I am half minded to cut our losses and leave." I was like, "Really? Can we?" But he was debating...too.  (D. is the type of guy who wouldn't mind sleeping in a barn and sharing a shower with others he didn't know.) I had to remind him and myself, between my fluxes of guilt and shame over my intense desire to leave even if it meant failing  in my mission of being a yogi, "we are not camping and we didn't sign up for a hostel visit." 

 if that is what is there, that is what is there.

I allowed a test of the owner's trustworthiness to be the deciding factor.  He told D. that he sent a three page confirmation letter with details about the accomodation and a list of surrounding restaurants to D. on booking which D. did not get. (Of course not, right? We would have discovered then that it was a hostel. And from what we could tell from our drive there, there was no restaurant for miles.)  So we asked him to send it to us again...giving him the email for the second or third time.  He didn't send it...so without even asking for our money back we left the key and took off. 

Now,  I watched myself as we drove off...snapping a bit at D. ( still wasn't quite sure if it was his error or the owner's deception that brought us there), feeling guilt and shame for not toughing it out and accepting the turn of events as they were, I observed myself ruminating over the samskara triggering and questioning if that was why I couldn't trust this guy and then feeling bad for my lack of openness and compassion. I observed myself feeling guilty for losing the money we paid for the room and how wasteful that was and there was a moment of "Maybe you should have been assertive and asked for the money back"...but something told me that was not the thing to do here...just getting out of there was. So I watched as these thoughts and feelings came up and then as they left while the distance between us and that place got wider. I watched myself being a neurotic human, and I watched myself being a wise human. And I continued to be present as to what was happening around us as we drove.  It was all pretty cool. Maybe not blissful, lol, but cool.

just let the object of consciousness be what it is...and in time if you leave it alone it will leave you

It took us another three hours and many, many kilometres  to find accomodation for the night. I observed a collective frustration in D. and I as we drove.  There was even a question about us having to spend the night in the car which I observed, I would have preferred to staying in that other place. Crazy but we finally found a place with vacancies.  And as I lay in bed after it all I watched as that feeling of disappointment over a broken expectation arose in me. I didn't follow it and I didn't push it away.  I just staid conscious until it left. I watched it all.  

The yogi puts the emphasis on the consciousness....rather than on the objects of consciousness

Just being conscious and aware of consciousness is pretty cool.  We do not have to work so hard to change our experiences. We just need to let them be what they are. As I reflect back, I see I was very much a yogi, more concerned about my consciousness than I was about the objects of consciousness. I didn't fail, afterall. 

Consciousness is the mystery of this universe...a ray of divinity...name of God: Sat Chit Ananda which is also the nature of consciousness

Consciousness is Sat-eternal, Chit-consciousness: aware of being aware, Ananda: bliss

Michael A. singer/Temple of the Universe ( July 31, 2023) Consciousness and the Objects of Consciousness. https://tou.org/talks/