Giving It All Away
Who is it giving it away?
Slipped again into the muddy waters of life circumstance. Once again, I lost my footing in the calm, nonjudgmental, non reactive part of my being and became overwhelmed. I had a mini breakdown. I cried, I got mad at others whether they deserved it or not, I literally fell to my knees crying out to the world, "I can't take any more." Only to be given more...big stuff more: another loved one had another psychotic break, needing more of me than I could give. I had nothing left to give him except an hour of my listening time and sound advice that psychiatry and medication was greatly needed. I could not give him my space or any more of my energy than I already spent on him over the years. I mean...I am bone dry on this side of the damn...I am completely, completely dry and that is a scary sensation. I feel that I cannot water, nurture, give to others because I have nothing left to give. But there the others are, frightened and in pain, holding their cups out to me and there is nothing in me to pour. I felt the pain of that dryness, that frustration, that guilt and yes that "self-pity". I was also resentful and angry with this "idea" I had that "others" and life were demanding every ounce of " me".
Crying Up and Breaking Down
Whose drowning? Who is dry?
The emotional energy reached a peak. The damns that were keeping these turbulent waters in "me" let go a bit and I was glad for the release. It was much needed. There was way too much pressure building up on the other side. Doing so also made others aware that "I" (whoever "I" is or "me" is) was drowning on one side, dried up and shriveling on the other (whether that is ultimately a "good" thing or a "bad" thing, I don't know) in these waters of circumstance. In psychological terms, the realization that I was reaching or have reached the breaking point was suddenly obvious to all. To me, it was a big "Ohhhhh!"
The Story
Who is telling the story? Who is starring in the story? What is this story?
So I took the "story" form of this...all the objective data, the physical circumstances, the events, the sensations and feelings this form and mind of mine is experiencing in reaction ( and I do know it is reaction and resistance...not response and allowing...that I do when I get caught up in story) to others with the soul purpose of telling my story, partly to create a dramatic effect. I was caught up in the story I was insisting that I was simply starring in and I wanted to tell it. I wanted them to see the story events and not the person creating the story as the source of the "problem". I wanted others to step in and rescue this tragic heroine from her dragons...from what others and life were doing "to" her. At the very least, I wanted them to validate and support the pity I was having for this character.
Others kindly validated the dramatic nature of my story. They stressed that, as a human being, I have waaaay too much on my plate at one given time. Empathizing with my ego, I suppose, they gave some very sound advice, "You need to look after yourself...you are burning out and getting sick with your attempts to "help" others. You are not thinking enough of yourself."
Who is the "me" who needs to look after "me"
That is the sound advice any therapist would give a person presenting the story I presented. "You need to put your oxygen mask on first! You can't pour from an empty cup. You need to be more assertive and say "no" in order to preserve your "self" so you can later give of self. You need to look after you."
From a psychological perspective that makes perfect sense. So why can I not do that? Besides the fact that I operate from deep core beliefs of my own unworthiness for self care and self compassion...there is a deeper reason. My spiritual practice gets in the way of "me" looking after "me."
Why do I look after "me" and how do I look after me? Who is this "me"?
I am learning in my spiritual practice that there is no "me"...That character in that story I recently shared with others is just that... a made up, fictional fairy tale character. Life fluctuates between a fire blowing dragon burning this main character to embers when she is "bad and deserving" and a fairy tale God mother bearing gifts when she is "good and deserving". ( Must admit that lately there seems to be very few pumpkin changing beings in my s story and a lot of hot-breathed dragons) . It is all just story!!!
This "me" is just part of a story...an idea created in my mind.
There is no "me"...just an "idea" of a "me", an idea of what that me needs, wants and must deny. There is no real "problems"...just an idea of what stepping stones and obstacles are put in place for this character so she advances or is rescued. There is no time There is this idea of time as a "Once upon a time, a long time ago" and a "happily ever after". There are no "problems"...problems are just ideas/ judgements and perceptions created in the mind that lead us to resist Life.
How do I prioritize and look after that which is only an idea in my mind?
So how do I think of me" first? How do I put the oxygen mask on "me" first? How do I stand up to dragons and say "No" when there are no dragons? How do I depend on or wait hopefully for the Fairy God mother to bless me and rescue me when there is no Fairy Godmother? How do I go back to "once upon a time" or lean towards the "happily ever after" for my fulfillment when they do not exist...There is just this moment now.
Why do I keep telling and getting stuck in a story that is nothing more than a creation of my mind?
Hmm! So when I get the very sound and reasonable advice to start looking after my self or make myself the priority in life I question, 'How do I do that when there is no self? How can it be draining for "self" to give t all to others when there is no "self" and therefore no "other"?
Psychologically this advice I received makes perfect sense but spiritually, it makes no sense.
I am just a bit confused. It will all come.
All is well in my world.
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