Non reaction to the egos in others is one of the most effective ways not only of going beyond ego in yourself but of dissolving the collective human ego.
Eckhart Tolle
I am getting somewhere (I know that concept of "getting somewhere" will not be necessary for ever but for now it helps to explain my progress). I am advancing along this path. I can, for the most part, stay calm and nonreactive in the most reactive of situations...while holes are being kicked into walls around me, things are being thrown over my head, when I am chasing someone around pulling sharp things from their hands or placing my hands between the wall and the back of their head again and again ...and most painfully, when I am being accused of "not caring and not being there enough" after dragging my exhausted body into situations that the mind warns, "This will not be good for you. Don't do this to yourself!" ... just so I can be there for this loved one. I see the pain beneath the behaviour. I see the higher self, this beautiful soul and all this amazing potential beneath the out of control pain body. I see the bigger picture it seems and though I recognize and validate her pain I don't harbor judgement for her, or the others who she believes ( rightfully so) have betrayed her and hurt her. I just somehow see it all clearly. So I do not walk into her circle of reactivity judging anyone, reacting with anger nor do I actually say much of anything. I am just very present but she sees a lack of caring, a lack of compassion and a lack of support in my non reactivity. When I use my heart and all the wonderful communication skills I learned, taught and am in the process of writing a book about to validate that I hear her and I know she is suffering...she tells me( and others) that I am judging, cold, uncaring, punitive, defending, mechanical etc and the reactivity grows and grows and grows until the whole place is on fire with it. I have repetitively asked myself and others who have witnessed my presence with her, if indeed I am doing something wrong, if my ego is somehow in the way, if am being cold and unknowingly reactive myself...and the answer is consistently "No...you are doing nothing but being calm, caring and validating."
Dealing with that behaviour is not easy, let me tell ya. Still, I have learned because of my practice to stay calm, not to react even when that reactive ego of this person wants nothing more than for me to react. That is just it...the reactive ego does not like the nonreactive ego in another. The reactivity will actually escalate out of control the more calm and centered I stay. This reactive ego does not like peace. It does not like calm. It does not like non reactivity. It doesn't want my presence. It wants my reactive ego to feed it. When it is not fed by it...it becomes ferocious in its desperation to get me to react. Still...I stay centered and not because of anything special on my part but because presence knows better. Presence naturally emerges and stays dominate in me during these times of crisis and the reactivity of others. I don't do anything to make it happen anymore...it just happens.
There is a certain detachment there, yes...but it isn't "cold" detachment...it is spacious, accepting, allowing detachment. I am not my ego at those times...I am Self. It is strange that she cannot see it but I am more open and loving as that spacious Self than I could ever be as a reactive ego. And when these very painful things come hurdled at me...her desperate pain trying to find a place to land in others...I say to myself, "Who is hurt by that? Presence or ego? Who is experiencing this?" I find myself observing what is happening rather than being lost in that overwhelming drama caused by so much pain. I see my body and know I am not my body. I see my own ego personality and know I am not that. I see the opinion of others about me that she has passed on and I know I am not that opinion. I see my ego momentarily feeling the sting and the hurt and the fear and the anger...I allow all that but I am not clinging or attached to any of it. I see it all passing through this body, passing through this mind, this idea of "me" and "personality" and I stay calm and present. It just happens. "I can be here for her pain no matter how it tries to hurt me or others in its out of control reactivity. This is not who she is. This is not who I am. What is happening to my body right now, to my personality is meaningless. This can't harm anything that is real" is what I tell myself...and I fall more into presence, more into awareness, more into the center.
Even if my heart closes up slightly during those times I feel the hurt, the fear, the anger and resentment because of the nature of the behaviour, because of the extent of her pain...it does not stay closed. I realize what I am feeling...I notice, allow, accept, embrace and I breathe my way back to the present moment. I return to what lay beneath the behaviour... her suffering and all the amazing things she is.
Some one pointed out to me today that they thought I was such a strong woman for handling this the way I do again and again. After I hush the remnants of my ego which is beginning to feel all superior with that comment...I tell them it has nothing to do with" me". "Me" would only be in the way. They, in turn, respond with, "huh?" I leave it at that.
My point is that with practice we can all reach this state of nonreactivity. It is actually not a "reaching"...it is an opening up to allow presence to come through. It is a getting out of the way. We open up when we mentally step away from the drama, relax and release, open and allow and then proceed from there. Other egos might not like it but only because the ego knows this is the type of response that will eventually lead to the demise of all egos.
All is well
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