Seeking Peace?

 To seek peace in conditions, whether mental conditions or external conditions, is frustrating.  And you overlook the simple fact that the realm of peace, which is the  unconditioned consciousness in you and the light of the world, as Jesus called it, is already there.

Eckhart Tolle

Peace is already in us. It isn't out there or in any story we may create in our minds.  It is right here, right now. It is not found in our achievements, our special relationships, our "good" days and our successful times. You can search until you are blue in the face and you might even find what feels like peace from these things you have been conditioned to believe will bring it...but it won't last!  Lasting peace cannot be found in mental or external conditions. 

Besides,peace  is not something we will "find".  It is not a "knowing" of it that will bring us to experiencing peace.  It is simply a realizing that we are it.  We are peace. It is as natural to us as the colour of our eyes or our breath.  We just have this conditioned idea that it is something we need to search for  in the fluctuating and ever changing world of things. 

Eventually, after much fruitless and frustrating searching, we come to the realization that peace cannot be found out there or even "known" conceptually. We realize that we are peace. We also stop trying to conceptualize what peace is and who we are:  You can't know yourself; You can only be yourself. 

So we can put away our searching out there for that which we will never be found in the conditioned, in those things we place judgements, expectations and a need to "know" on.  

We can rest in the realization that we are peace and settle  into that unconditioned space of awareness.

Peace is to know yourself through the act of not knowing. 

The Light of the world is already in you. That is who you are.

All is well 

Eckhart Tolle ( August, 2021) To Be Yourself as Awareness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgHyIFJxhLI

 To be able to enjoy it, we got to live each moment of the play and listen to it as if it were the only thing important to listen to. 

Alan Watts

Alan Watts/Creativity Express (Sept, 2021) This is why you are not enjoying your life right now. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEzUI9CtsTU

All is well!

Rushing Ahead?

 

While you'll feel compelled to charge  ahead it is often a gentle step back that will reveal to you what you are and what you truly seek. 

Rasheed Ogunlaru https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/rushing

I sat to meditate this morning and for the first time in days ...I actually staid where I was, with each section of breath. It was lovely.

Not So Easy to Stay Put When Stressed

 Over the last little while, feeling "extra-stressed",  I found it difficult to stay put in my practice.  My mind  was reverting to past habits I had of thinking and living that involved always trying to be one step ahead. There was seemingly so many things to deal with, so many things that had to get done, that I found myself rushing ahead. You know, how when we are busy with 100 things on our actual or mental to do list to accomplish ...we may be at, say,  task number nine and while doing it we are thinking, planning and somehow preparing to do task number ten...instead of just focusing on task number nine? Putting our attention on what is up ahead rather than what is going on, what we are experiencing or doing "right now"?  

The Next Step

Well I was doing that in my day to day experiences lately. While washing the dishes, I was preparing myself for sweeping the floor; while brushing my teeth,  I was reaching for the keys I would need in a moment to drive where I needed to go that day and while driving,  I was rumaging through my supply bag to get things in order before I got there. My mind was leaping ahead to "what's next" and I was following it. This is the "busy" way of reacting to Life and it always leaves me feeling rushed, and unsettled. It really doesn't help me get everything done any faster. 

Rushing In Our Practice

This tendency to want to be a step ahead  becomes so habitual, if we remain unaware of it,  that we will do this even when we are consciously trying to stay centered in the moment, as in meditation. Our practice will feel feel rushed and unsettled. For example, I often use a Mala to help me count half breaths during certain meditations. While my fingers are gripping one bead ...I breathe in and am aware I am breathing in and when I grip the next bead,  I breathe out and am aware of breathing out. Well, while I was meditating over the last few days of this busy, stressful time, I found myself reaching for the breathing out bead while I was still breathing in. I found myself contemplating the end of practice and what had to be done next while I was still meditating. And when I tried to stay present with each step of a walking meditation ...I found myself focusing on the foot I would be putting down next, not the one already on the floor.! I was focusing on what was next, what was ahead as if that would propell me forward quicker and more effeciently.

It didn't.  It only left me feel rushed and unsettled, disconnected from each moment. I had to question, when I caught myself doing it and assuming I was not the only one in this busy world that did this...why do we try to stay one step ahead. 

Why Do We Try To Stay One Step Ahead?

I suppose there is several reasons why any of us would do this but my personal reasons, I concluded, had to do with wanting to avoid what was going on in each present moment because it was so "unpleasant". When someone in my household had a grand mal seizure right before I was trying to get my family together to go to a baby shower on Saturday, a shower that my nursing instinct was telling me we should not go to becasue of the new Covid mandates in my province and at the same time my maternal instinct said I need to go to...I found myself stepping ahead...sure I dealt with the situation head on but I projected most of it onto getting the person who seizured  to ER ( which in some ways , makes sense right?) to be looked after there. Once he came to and emergency interventions were successful I needed this Life circumstance and the fear, guilt and sense of helplessness I experienced  out of the way. I had to push it forward to teh next step. I made contacts before I even knew the outcome that explained why I might not be there and I began to make plans for a "what if" scenario. I was a step ahead instead of focusing on each moment as it unfolded, each feeling as it unfolded. 

Why? Becasue it was scary and I felt overwhelmed and it was easier to get into my plan making head than it was to experience and feel directly what was going on. ...moment by moment. So maybe, I concluded,  we try to stay a step ahead to avoid the unpleasantness of certain  moments? We project ourselves into the "next" moment in order to escape "this" moment? 

Stepping ahead also gives us a false sense of control, maybe? I want to  control my breath through the movement of my fingers, rather than allow my movement to follow the natural flow of Life and breath. If my hand moves to the next bead I will make the breath follow and make it all happen "quicker". At a time of my life when I feel I have so little control over external events, at least I can feel  I am in control of the pace of my breath and my meditation practice. I also may want my steps to follow my mind's lead rather than have my mind follow my step.  Maybe, I want to propell myself quickly through time and action instead of settling in the here and now? 

The Beauty of Stepping Back

Instead of rushing ahead, we were to step back and observe an amazing thing happens.  We have a chance to calm down first of all and rebalance ourselves.  Then we can see, when we are somewhat still, what it is taht is really important.  It is nothing "up there' in the fantasy of a future.  It is here and now. 

Well today I sat and told myself to let go of my need to control this experience, any experience...to notice and allow whatever Life hands me in each moment...be it pleasnat, unpleasant or neutral.  And I staid with each half breath.  There was harmony between breath and bead and little tendency on my part to rush ahead.  I mean I caught myself once or twice with that intention and desire but I gently stepped back,  reminded myself, "Just this now!" and I staid put.  

Hmmm!Something to think about isn't it?

All is well!

Can't Make You Happy

 The world cannot make you happy.

Eckhart Tolle

You get that right? 

It took me a long time to get that realization.  I spent most of  what I referred to as "my life"...hoping, anticipating, expecting and waiting for Life to make me happy.  I was so sure the special relationships I sought to attain and maintain would make me happy.  I thought "more education" would make me happy.  I thought a good job with a good salary would make me happy. I thought a house in the right neighborhood would make me happy. I thought my kids being educated, successful and pain-free would make me happy.  I thought getting well would make me happy. 

Sure there were moments ( and even years) when I found glimpses of this elusive happiness upon attaining these things but it never lasted...the things, if they came to be be,  never lasted ...it was all so fleeting. 

I see now that the world was never suppose to make me happy.  I see how this happiness...or this "peace of mind" ...is already in me, hidden beneath all the ideas, beliefs and conditioning that erronously tells me who I am and what I need out there to be happy. 

This peace is within us all...and we won't find it out there .  We will only find it by going deeper within ourselves. 

All is well. 

There is a depth to who you are that is not touched by the fluctuations in this dimension...a peace that passes all understanding...a space in you that arises...

Eckhart Tolle

Eckhart Tolle (Sept, 2021) How to Find Inner Peace. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWFkl8IOLTA

Offending Readers?

 The wider your readership, the greater the chances for offending your readers.

Alexander McCall Smith https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/readership-quotes

It is not my intention to offend anyone. 

"Why don't you write about that kind of stuff?"

I shared with someone today that I was getting a surge of hits from the tiny buddha site over the last few days. (I am so grateful for that!) I assume it was a referral  from a referral from the article I wrote in 2017 that led to the increased readership. That article, for whatever reason, resonated with a few people.  

It was suggested, then, that I probably should write more like that instead of how and what I write about here. There was a tinge of fear and embarrassment in the person's suggestion that implied that what I write on this site  is too personal, too "woo-woo" and too"spiritual" for those readers that may follow the link here. It may be disappointing and off- putting to these potential readers who came here because they were impressed by my article.  It was suggested that my writing would attract  and keep more "main stream" readers if it were  more "practical" and helpful in its practicality, like my article was...and less personal or "woo-woo". I agree 100%.

If my goal was to attract readers and to feed them only what they thought they were hungry for...that would be the way to do that. ...cut back on the personal examples and stay on that level of reality most of us are comfortable with.  And of course, I do want to offer that which others can relate to and benifit from wherever they are at on this journey through Life. I see all the struggling and suffering going on out there and I want to do what ever I can to help diminish it. I truly do...but.... I also see, after all the questioning,  learning and writing I have done over the years ...what the source of most of our worldly problems are.  So...I am pulled to get right to the root cause of all that suffering on this site. 

A Little Deeper

You see...it really goes a little deeper than whether or not we write a To-do list or a To-be list.  It is about "why" we are so stuck on to-do lists, "why" we struggle with our work days and our days in general, "why" we are not as happy and peaceful as we can be. There is a big wound in our collective psyche. Sure I could slap an ego bandage on the worldly wound, with wordly advice and suggestions....and that will make us all feel better for a bit...but that is not going to help heal the wound. It will offer a temporary solution, cover it up but maybe even  possibly delay the healing.  Wounds , at a certain point, heal best when they are exposed to the air.  That is why there is so much "exposure" on this site.  I want to expose the wound to the air. 

We need to go deeper and this "deeper" is what most people consider "woo-woo".  I know I use a lot of uncomfortable terminology on this site. We, as humans, often  get so easily put off by certain labels, words, concepts, especially if they differ from our conditioned way of seeing and expressing.  People can get stuck and then turned off by words like "higher consciousness" , "presence", "Awareness", "God", "Spirit", "Essence" or "ego"  etc when they are looking for nothing more than a bit of  practical advice. We forget that these words and concepts are just pointers and in themselves have so very little power.  It is easy to  get stuck on the writer's words and descriptions, instead of seeing what they are pointing to...that inner dimension of mind and that space beyond the mind...which actually offers the solution to all our suffering. 

Just Learning 

Anyway...I am not here to convert people to my way of seeing things...not at all.  Even if that was my intention, which it is not, I am in no position to lead or convert anyone! I am still learning! And I am not here either, to deny what I am learning for the sake of giving people what they think they want to hear or read.  I am just looking for truth and sharing what I learn on the way. That's all! I leave the decision to stay and read up to the reader. 

So Dear Readers, those of you who are stopping in for the first time and those of you who have been with me for a while... Thank You. I am truly very grateful for your readership, I am. ...but, at the same time,  I want you to know that I am not attached to it. I hope you are okay with that? 

All is well! 

Motivated By A Desire For Anonymity or Notoriety?

 Here we need to see and reflect on our motivation for doing something. Is it skillful? Is it unskillful?  Practicing this discernment has tremendous implications for our lives in the world. Because our motivations are often subtle and hard to see-they are often mixed or a series of conflicting emotions-it takes a lot of honesty, clarity, and mindfulness to see them clearly, to know the inner purpose behind our actions.

Joseph Goldstein, page 62

I recently received a contributer's copy of this very lovely weekly planner  Within it, in the month of February to be exact, is a quote from an article I wrote for tiny buddha way back in 2017. There are many more beautiful quotes within it from people, much wiser than me,  to inspire and guide a person through the weeks and days of 2022. Though, the pic from my phone camera does not do it justice, it is a very pretty little book. (And it  is a "consciously crafted/eco-friendly product"). Well done Lori!

Proud and Uncomfortable

Looking at my quote, and more specifically my name, my real name, left me  a little uncomfortable and at the same time proud. You see, I often write using a pen name Dale-Lyn ( a play on my last name, first initial and one of my middle names) for all kinds of reasons. It is not so much I want to remain anonymous, I just do not want to get lost in notoriety. (Not saying that I would ever get famous lol)

 Ego proudly says..."Yeah...something "I" wrote was selected for one of the 52 weeks when there was so many great articles to choose from! "I " am special! "  I puff up a bit. 

I also feel uncomfortable because the wiser-Self within gently says, "Now, now...being selected and seen as "special"  is not why you write or why you share what you learn! " 

This wise Self , I know,  is right! At least I don't want that to be the motivation.

"Besides, "  Self continues, bursting Ego's bubble even more, " 'You' didn't write this, it just came through you.  There is nothing personal or special about this creative process. You have simply been selected as a conduit for consciousness in the form of words to come through. Remember that."

"Aweee, ego was feeling soooo good. " 

Another Battle Between Shamer and Redeemer ego

Besides the lectures I get from my wiser Self, I have never been completely comfortable being center stage...even though I have done some public speaking in front of large crowds, have lectured in front of students for years, and even though I want what I write  "out there". I fear judgement, criticism and rejection just as much as the next person does .  "My " words are probably the most authentic thing about me...and if they get judged negatively, criticized or rejected...it may  feel like I am being judged, criticized or rejected. Shamer ego often steps in here to pull me back from being seen. Thus my ego-derived  desire for anonymity. 

At the same time... this ego that is afraid to be seen, wants to be seen!  This "little me" wants notoriety in some form and thinks it just might get it from "my" writing.  Some times I find myself waking up from the thought stream, "Man ...when people see what I am going to get  published...when they read my words and know they came from "me" , then I will be "redeemed".  This confused ego creates  a dilemma when it comes to writing. 

Hmmm! As I grow and advance away from the need to protect and inflate this idea of "little me" I don't seek or fear  those things (at least not as much) that being seen and known will offer this clump of flesh I call me. I do not intentionally write for that reason. I write to write. If I did have notoriety and fame as my motivation ...my writing, I fear ,  would lose so much of what is real. So I just write, not thinking about outcome.  I have also learned to accept writing rejection, (and I have had plenty of it), very positively and openly.  I seem to be much more detached from the outcome than I have ever been.  So I now use my real name when I write.  

Motivation

I am aware I  still have to watch my motivation for writing...just like I have to watch my motivation for speaking, and doing.  I want it, like all I do, speak, feel and think,  ...to be "skillful" and "wholesome". Therefore, my intention and motivation must remain skillful and wholesome.  The conflicting motivations of ego... its fear based intentions to avoid the pain of rejection and its desire to be redeemed...can get in the way. I try to be very mindful of that fact. 

Well...that is what I thought of when I looked down at my name in this pretty little planner. 

How I can ramble, eh?

All is well. 

Joseph Goldstein (2013) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Sounds True: Boulder

Waking Up on Stage

 Do you define yourself as the victim of the world or as the world?

Alan Watts

Hmm!  It is obvious what I have been defining myself as in many of the recent posts, isn't it? Embarrassing. 

Did you know that person is the greek word for mask? 

Man ...how quickly we can slip back under our masks, slide back onto the stage of some big tragedy, reclaiming our role of victim  and how quickly we begin to believe that is who we are...again and again.  We become unconscious sooo fast!

It is like...I am in the green room, mask off, being as open and real as I can be...feeling presence...taking responsibility for my version of Life...and then the next thing I know I find myself back in the drama. I am waking up  realizing I am in costume again...and that I was so lost in my role I forgot I was merely acting.  I forgot that I could walk off the stage at any time and go back into the greenroom. (Or maybe I didn't want to walk off...I was enjoying playing my role?)  

Once we "snap out of  it"  and realize we were once again  lost in  character..we can step off the stage and go back to the quiet green room where all actors come from. We can take off our masks and stop pretending.  

Sure, there may be some booing and and hissing from the audience who were enthralled by our acting. The other actors are going to be p*&^%$ too...because they are like, "how are we going to adlib this without you playing your role?", especially if we  do not have an understudy.  And the director...well forget about them. All those still invested in the drama are not going to understand! 

But it is only in that green room, the spacious background of the stage, the present moment, where we  can come to realize that we are much more than the mask we wear...the "person" we are playing. 

That there is a central self...you can call It God, you can call It anything you like...and it is playing all of us.  It is playing all the parts, all beings whatsoever, whereever and anywhere.  And It is playing the game of hide and seek with Itself. It gets lost and gets involved in the forest of adventure but in the end it always wakes up and comes back to Itself.  And when you are ready, you are going to wake up. If you are not ready you are going to still picture yourself as the pitiful "little me." Alan Watts

You are not who you think you are and the role you play limits you and keeps you trapped in some drama. 

Presence is deeper than the person. Eckhart Tolle

Who do you want to be?  The victim or the world? 

All is well.

Eckhart Tolle/ (July, 2021) The Real Cause of Anxiety.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIreWs78acs

Alan Watts/Johnny Bigger (May, 2021) The Most Eye Openeing Ten Minutes of Your Life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXsdC1iocRY

Happy Ever After

 Whenever you look for zero, you see nothing but whenever you look through zero, you see the world.

Joseph Goldstein

Hmmm! Though Goldstein is speaking mostly about seeking shunyata, the empty spaciousness of mind most of us seek in our meditation practice ( the zero) ...I apply this quote  to the futility of seeking happiness and fulfillment through ideas. I am thinking about ideas and making the distinction between living "ideally" and living directly. I have spent most of this Life seeking  the idea of something rather than actually living.  What do I mean by that?

Let me give you an example:

I grew up with the conditioning that created this "idea" that getting married in the future would solve all my problems, take away any so called suffering and make my life fulfilled. So I looked for this.  It was one of my ultimate goals, as it is for many youth brought up on stories of Cinderella and Snow White, to get married. My wedding day was something I sought, envisioned and practiced since I was a little girl. I was so in love with the idea of getting married. I baught into the "fantasy" and staid in the fantasy in my head even after some obvious signs appeared before mine and my ex's  wedding that should have brought me down into reality. Getting married to this person, I was being shown,  would not solve any issues I had with myself...and in fact...would lead to some very difficult times for both of us. This realization  was not comfortable. The idea I had of salvation through marriage, however,  was wonderful. So I chose the idea over the "what is". 

The reality of what this marriage would mean was superceded by the "idea" of marriage and more specifically the idea of a fairy tale wedding (We really do not see what went on in Cinderella's and Snow White's Life after the wedding, do we...other than "They Lived Happy Ever After" ? There is an assumption  then, in many of our minds, that those few hours in the church and reception hall will magically  gauarantee a "happy ever after" for us too.) So I baught the beautiful Cinderella dress and invited all my friends/family to watch me be saved by my ideal wedding.  

Did I get saved? Was there a happy ever after?

I recall waking up the next day to a zero...not shunyata...but the emptiest of feelings upon realizing the wedding...this future moment I spend my life idealizing was now in the past. I could no longer live in the idea of it.  I was left with the reality of it all. I could suddenly  see ahead into our future so clearly that which I denied, supressed and repressed. This would not be a healthy union because neither of us were healthy enough.  

As we drove away to our honey moon...I think we both kind of knew then,  at some deep level that  we were more in love with the  idea of all this than we were with the reality of each other. Without speaking this realization out loud we proceeded into our marriage and life together with hopes that we would still, through some magic, find that "happy ever after".  In order to do that...I had to once again deny, push down and push aside this very clear vison I had of our future. 

I could do it for a while. ...but it was exhausting! We had some very nice times together, we had four beautiful children together, but we also had many more challenging times together. So disappointed were we upon watching our "idea" of marriage crumble, realizing that this union would not save either of us from the suffering we went into the marriage with, that we blamed one another. We both became filled with resentment over the other's inability to make each other happy. I blamed him for not taking away my suffering and for  not making me happy and he blamed me.  

The Idea Vs the Reality of Experience

The idea we had of each other and our union was so different than the reality of it. Reality said it was never his responsibility to "save me", take away my suffering and make me happy...that is an impossible duty to put on anyone's shoulders and it was never my responsibility to save him. Yet we attempted to cling to the fantastic idea of romantic salvation.  Disappointment and resentment grew the more we were forced to realize the idea could not sustain us.  The marriage eventually had to end and it did not end well. 

Seeking the Happy Ever After in Meditation or in Life

Sigh! Goldstein's quote is a subtle reminder about a need to be cautious and aware in our seeking.  This zero he refers to is the ultimate goal, the Happy Ever After,  for all meditators but it is just an idea, a concept , a story in the mind. If we fixate on this idea as a goal we will never acheive that which we seek in meditation...just like I could not acheive salvation in my "idea of marriage". If we experience Life directly, however...if we live in the reality of now  instead of escaping into our ideas of how things should be, whether that be while we are sitting or  while we are experiencing all the many things a human experiences in a lifetime...than we will see everything clearly through direct experience. 

From For to Through

I am learning thorugh my own past experiences like my marriage and through my  meditation practice not to seek anything...to just take what comes as it comes...see it clearly for what it is instead of what my mind tells me it could and should be. I am not seeking the "Happy Ever After".  I am expereincing the what is now.

If I am surrounded by this zero ( the spacious  background that presents the what is of Life) and I look through it rather than for it...I will see everything clearly. I will see the world.

All is well.  

Observing

 When you observe rather than react, you reclaim your power.

Denise Linn

Man! Life is really an amazing thing to observe and what is even more amazing to observe is our human "reaction" to what Life offers. 

Sometimes we are so stuck in the dramas of Life we can't see what is really there...we are too close to observe.  It is like trying to look at your reflection in a mirror while your face is pressed up against the glass.  To really see  the reflection of what is for what it is , you need to step back and keep some distance between you and what you are observing.  

Observing Life

Well many of us are going through Life with our face pressed against the glass,  seeing nothing clearly. By stepping back we can observe how Life breathes events, people, challenges , so called "blessings" into our experience and how she breathes them out.  Coming, going, growing, changing, dying...every "thing" going through this process. Nothing permanent. 

Observing Nature

We can observe this in  the ever changing pattern of nature, especially a Canadian landscape in Autumn.  When I look out my window I am aware of the foliage beginning its change; my potted plants are turning brown; the apples on my trees are starting to fall to the ground; hummingbirds have not visited the feeder I put out for them in days; the Blue Jays are developing the tufts on the backs of their heads;  it is getting dark at night a lot earlier; and the light during the day has shifted to a lower density. Life's offering  is changing exactly as it is meant to.  

Observing What the Senses are Picking up

What are you hearing right now? What are you seeing? Smelling? Tasting? Feeling? 

Observing the Body

We can observe our bodies.  I observe my body when I meditate.  I am aware of the sensations within it...the pain in abdomen and pelvis, the knot in my gut, my heart beat, the heat of a hotflash and the clamminess of skin that follows, and mostly my breath. These sensations are always changing...coming and going.

Observing the Mind and the Story it Tells

My mind's narrative is changing so much...almost everyday.  Somedays the story is about me as a victim...and other days it is a story about me as the hero...and the days I find most peace in...my mind is creating a story about me as neither a victim or a hero or maybe both...can't figure that one out yet. :) Doesn't matter really because it is all just story.  It is when I can step away from story that the chapters of some mental book just fade away ...and it is all empty.

Observing the Heart

My heart is changing...somedays open and somedays closed. This will determine my reaction to life circumstance, more so than life circumstance powers the opening and closing of my heart. 

Connecting Learning to Videos

I listened to several little videos today as I was sitting at the table sipping my tea, pondering this idea.  In one of those videos Kim Eng was describing how we were not so much the "doers" in this Life, though doing is always going to be a part of our expereince while we are in these bodies...we are the doingless emptiness that Life creates through. If we want peace in this Life we need to:

Be the hole in the flute that Life creates through. (Kim Eng)

Alan Watts in another video ( listed below) describes how we can escape the  conditioning that tells us we should control the music being made by our incessant doing and by not making  mistakes .  I know I feel like I need to make up for my mistakes in judgement and treatment of others.  I see my last reaction to circumstance as a "mistake" that set me back from my spiritual development when it was nothing more than a very understandable human reaction considering what events Life has blown into my expereince over the last few months. I felt like I had to do something and at the same time I was terrified I would make a mistake and do the wrong thing that would hurt others or myself. I found some console in these words:

You must remember , you cannot make a mistake. 

Everything is happening exactly as it should. 

I was also comparing my level of spiritual understanding with that of others and gaining some sense of "superiority"...thinking and writing here that I was more evolved.  Both Eng and Watts reminded me that we are simply all where we are meant to be. We can't rush this process in Self or others to get to some proverbial finish line. There are no superior or inferior stages of growth...they are all necessary and important:

In the process of growth, the oak is not better than the acorn. (Watts)

I did make the so called "mistake"  of creating in my mind a story where I was somehow superior to others because of where I was spiritually...when I am just where I am. I kept thinking, "I should be further ahead than this!"  We are all evolving and are presently at different stages of that development.  Because I am "here" and I perceive others in my living situation to be "there", that does not make me any better or any worse than them. And momentarily seeing myself as superior is not a mistake but a symptom of where I am at this level...I can look at it and learn from it. 

Hmmm! We understand this so much better when we step back away from the glass.

All is well!

Kim Eng (Sept, 2021) What Does Life Want? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZOrPAWGzg0

Alan Watts (March 2020) Escape Societies Brainwashing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmtg2bg-VVA

No Roots, No Home

 They [our negative thoughts of aversion] have no roots; they have no home [in the vast emptiness of mind]. 

Joseph Goldstein

I looked up at the sky yesterday and it was as blue and as empty of cloud as I have ever noticed. I realized, at the same time, so was my mind...empty (or at least not as full of) those thoughts of monsters, unconscious behaviours of others, "problems" , feelings of anger, resentment and repulsion I had been clinging to for days. I realized then how caught up, tangled up I was in "story" again over the last week ...  a story I kept adding to, a story I  shared with others...Why? 

To give it power...to add to the details  and once again...make villians out of others whose behaviours and choices just reflect their unconscious conditioning, to add to the plot with suspence and drama  and to enhance my starring role as tragic heroin. All story!

Sure there are challenges surrounding me in terms of a living situation with others who are struggling with thier own issues but these challenges and circumsatnces  are just like clouds that float by.  They come and they go.  These people I made into monsters by focusing my attention on the negative superficial stuff are just wherever they are at. ...human beings making their way through the Life they see as their reality. I am not at the mercy of their behaviour. Most of what I experience in reaction to their behaviour is just mind stuff. And as far as me being a victim or any kind of hero in this drama...pfff!  All mind stuff...created in an attempt to put this experience into concepts and narrative...instead of just expereincing it directly.

That is what I have been doing...at this level of my learning and practicing...going back and forth between knowing that I and them are not the conceptual  identities I created.  We are so much more than this.  Life is so much more than this story. I KNOW THAT! Yet I keep slipping back into this again and again.

I sat down with some this weekend after some "slip ups" and for some reason or another...my heart opened. I realized what I was doing instantaously . I was building story to support a closed heart...when that heart  opened there was no story and no words of meaning to come out of my mouth to justify any decisions I had made.  It was like "I don't know!" . 

Learning here as well. 

All is well. 

Leaking with Codependency

 It is one thing to know about your dysfunctional habits but quite another to change them.

David W. Earle

Run!

Looks like a beautiful day out there.  The sun is shining after a day of heavy rain yesterday.  It is so healing to see the sun for all kinds of reasons.  For one ...it means that my ceiling will not collapse in on us, at least not today.  The roof is leaking big time.  From where I am sitting I can see five circles of wetness...one of those was like a faucet yesterday nearly filling a pot. There is leaking in the room my son is staying in...that is more like a shower. And I look up at that ceiling...and I just want to...run!!!! 

Just run from this house that feels so drenched, not only from a leaking roof...but with the negativity of circumstance and other people's emotions.  I am as drenched as this house is...I feel it all and I am beginning to see myself in my ceiling.  Any more rain and I am going to collapse.  Then I hear it...RUN!!!

 I want to go...I do ...but people need me right now. Some need me for healthy reasons...others for unhealthy and I am no longer seeing clearly what I can do to make this a "healthy" place used by people who genuinely want to get healthy...rather than a comfort zone for those who want to feed their unhealthy habits. Run!!!

The Trap of Co-dependency

I feel "trapped" and it is that trap I want to run from, even if I am the one taht created it.

I used to handle these types of  things so differently.  I was strong, assertive...knowing what had to be done and doing it.  I would have made any 12 step sponsor proud. Now I feel like all that oompf was sucked right out of me. I was witness to and around so much co dependency and enabling...that I ended up seeing that as the problem that needed my help...I put sooo much of my energy into  pointing out, trying to stop and fix the codependent enabling ...to absolutely no avail!  It was so exhausting and so very frustrating. Then I went from there to  agreeing in some unspoken way to "harm reduction" measures that never, ever felt right to me...giving up my space, my time, my energy and now I am realizing my health for this harm reduction that is not helping.  I have become a codependent enabler! 

Wanting to Help

When another loved one recently approached me ...genuinely and sincerely for my help and support...I  thought I could be strong again but  after I got sick yesterday ( from stress), I see now that I  have so little left  to give.  I am too confused in this toxic environment  that I have been in for close to a year....getting tough love, and harm reduction and assertivenes all mixed up in my approach.  I am not strong enough to support this person in the way I want to support him.  I have become an enabler of another...how can I help this person then without enabling him too?  And this person...I want to support...loves me and cares about me ...he wants to get better for reasons of love ( not just for me) where as the other, I believe in his level of unconsciousness, could not care if I was dead or alive...as long as I wasn't in the way. He is just not there.  I tell myself that ego gratification  cannot be  the point of  my compassion, my loving and giving...it isn't about what "me" gets from this ...and all people are just where they are...love them from there. 

Yet here I am all tangled up in  a very unhealthy codependent triangle .  I don't even know how it happened...how I got here.  How it got to this when all I ever wanted to do was help and support and be kind. Now I haven't the energy to help, support  and be kind to a person I really want to be there for...a person who needs me...a person (I was going to say who "deserves it more" but I see instantly how "unskillful" that speech and perception is.)

So, so much learning in this. I pray that I learn it all well so that I can go from being this confused mess I am now to  being a valuable force in this world that indeed helps to end suffering.   I want to learn what needs to be learned so I  and all people wanting to be healthy can live in  a house that is free of leaks and this drenching negativity. 

I may not be able to "fix" others but what happens in my home is my responsibility!

All is well in my little world. 

Happy Minds for All

Whatever living being there may be-feeble or strong (or the seekers and the attained) long, stout or of medium size, short, small, large, those seen or those unseen, those dwelling far or near, those who are born as well as those yet to be born-may all living beings have happy minds.

Karaninyametta Sutta

Awe! Miss my girl!

All is well!

Fighting Monsters in the Abyss

 Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Friedrich Neitzsche

This quote was brought to my attention today and it stuck in my head.  I am really not sure what it means.  There is many different philosophical explanations out there.  I choose to sit with the words myself and allow the wisdom to come to me...if it will that is.  For some reason, this  little gem came into my life for a reason and right away, in my egoice tendency to be narcissitic :), I  related this to my own life.  (Whatever "my own life" is in the big picture of things.) I am fighting some monsters and I don't want to fight. 

Fighting Monsters?

What about you? Are you fighting monsters? Is there something in your life that you are regarding as evil, dangerous, threatening and are you summoning the courage, be it false or authentic, to fight...struggle against...put an end to this monster of yours for your sake or for the sake of the world? 

I seem to have a few monsters, standing in front of me...some are growling and showing their teeth, some are quiet but have that look in their eye that says it all, you know?  The monsters I am fighting...include the unconscious behaviour of individuals around me that somehow feels threatening to my sense of little me.  Little me, in this tragic drama, is trying to be heard, fighting for space in a very subtle take over, to salvage and cling to a little bit of "self" in a space that is being overrun  by others. These monsters are not necessarily out to hurt me, they are just too hungry, too  big and too clumsy to see that they are trampling over me and what I have for so long believed was "mine".  In my desire to love all , I don't want to fight these creatures or hurt them, I wnat to live in peace with them,  but they do not seem to hear my "Shooo-shoo...careful, careful". They do not seem to see or hear me.  Their need for gratification is just too great and they are blinded by that need. I feel like I am being trampled.

 I am also fighting karma ...a series of life circumstances that I am perceiving as menacing and out to get me, to teach me, to redeem me. Sometimes there is just so much at once...I feel buried under it all and am fighting to get away from these monsters that pile up on top of me...just so I can breathe

 I am, like many people,  fighting the war against drugs and alcohol that seems to be in abundance around me, doing so much damage to those I know and those I don't know. 

I am also fighting to keep myself and others from  being pulled into the abyss that suffering in the form of  stress, anxiety and depression seems to be pulling too many into.

I spent a great many years fighting "them" ...a collective that forms what we refer to as "the system"...not an individual persay but some collective force in shadow form....to be heard, treated, supported.  I feel like I lost that one.

Most of all I am fighting my ego...that part of me that sees the monsters and feels the need to fight them.  It is ego that tells me to fight and it is ego that tells me I should not be fighting. Ego that makes me angry at and resentful of these monsters for coming into my life...and ego that makes me feel such shame and guilt for not being more tolerant of them. 

The Abyss

Though it seems I am surrounded by monsters inside and outside of me and that I must fight them, I know too it is all just a story in my mind. 

I am understanding, as I look into this abyss, that there is only one monster and that is the untamed mind. I am understanding that this immature mind, in its fearful nature, will imagine monsters under the bed when there is nothing there but a few dust bunnies ( okay ...maybe more than a few under my bed). It will resist and struggle against and fight "them" even though there is nothing there to fight, even though fighting and resisting only makes the problem worse. Why? Because it is easier to project outward and away, to resist and fight rather than to look deeply inside and allow. The untamed mind is afraid to look at itself...it is afraid to look at its own inadeqaucies and failings...to see itself as the source of all fear....to tap into the pain it has been running from.

There is no need to "fight" any of these monsters...becasue it is only our minds that have judged them so. When we judge others or things as monsters out there...we become the monsters.  Our fear and our conviction can lead us farther into fear and hate, resistance and aversion and farther away from peace that is so innate in us. 

Our minds are the true creator of these monsters. It is therefore into that abyss, that cave we must go to gently slay them

Go to the source. Go to the mind and begin "shooing" the monsters away from there.  Don't fight!  Just gently "shoo" and they will step back and away.

All is well.

Keep It Beautiful and Simple

 Beauty arises from presence of mind and simplicity. Though our minds may be complicated, beauty is not. 

Jack Kornfield

The Ever Changing Nature of Opinions, Thoughts and Moods

 Our opinions rise and fall like the seasons.  Our moods and thoughts come and go like the tides. 

Jack Kornfield (Seeking the Heart of Wisdom; 2001; Shambala;page 221)

These opinions,these moods and these thoughts that we put so much attention on, that we tend to believe are so real and solid are just things that constantly change, that rise and fall, come and go ...nothing constant or solid about them. 

Yesterday, in reaction to a life cirsumstance, a couple of them actually...but one that was taking all my attention, I found myself  fixated on certain opinions, ruminating over certain thoughts and  seemed to be overcome by a certain mood. None of it pleasant. The negativity brought on by the feelings of fear, worry, what I felt I had to do later that day and what the consequences of that would be  was overwhelming.  My intial reaction was to run from this "pain". ...but because of my training to date I didn't run and I didn't close. I staid open to it for hours and hours but man...it wasn't easy. I did have some peaceful  respite in meditation when I felt the cleansing and healing tears, the space that was holding it all but it was a very challenging day. Instead of being in the moments of a beautiful September  afternoon ..noticing and appreciating the breeze, the sun, the birds around me,  I spent most of the  time in my head with this mood, these opinions and thoughts.  The story in my mind  seemed so solid, so real  and all consuming.  I did not think I would be able to handle it.

When I faced the situation I was waiting to face it turned out so differently than I expected.  In fact, it blew me away. There was so much openness, so much honesty...and the biggest and most difficult step towards healing ( the first one) was taken by this individual...without any push from me. I don't think I have ever been prouder as a parent!  Oh man...there is a big long road ahead with so many challenges .  We both know that but there is no getting anywhere near the healing without this step that was taken. As Lao Tzu supposedly said, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. It is that single first step that marks the beginning of the journey.

So I awake this morning  with different opinions, different moods and different thoughts. Yesterday's mental reaction has fallen like the season of summer soon will...and it has gone out like the tide.  

Hmmm! Life (and our reaction to it) is such an amazing thing to observe.  Observing it will lead to understanding, I suppose, where we would best be placing our attention.

All is well. 

The Cure for Pain?

 What hurts us is what heals us.

Paulo Coelho

Up most of the night. Worried about others again. Worried about unhealthy choices they have made or are still making.  I am worried about the consequences of those choices. Worried about all the other people indirectly affected by those choices. I am worried about what "I need to do" if anything to assist and support, to disenable, to offer my love unconditionally.  I also worry about my part in their suffering. Is there something I did or didn't do in the recent  or distant past, something I am doing or not doing now, a tiny ripple I started with my own unconscious behaviour or a tidal wave maybe, that contributed somehow, that was one of the many ripples or waves that led them where they are? Is there something I should be doing now? 

Man...this feeling sucks.  It really does but I will not run from it or close up to it.  I will just watch it and sit with it when I can. 

I feel it as a heavy weight in my chest.  I feel it as a liquid pain originating from my heart and  flowing  in and around old knots, releasing and unraveling some  buried pain,  then carrying that energetic debris to my eyes where it comes through so easily now. I can feel the cleansing warmth  of it trickling down my face, especially when I meditate. I am definitely still experiencing  the pain of it all in clumps of unpleasant feelings and difficult emotions but I am also feeling the healing that comes when we turn toward pain rather than close up to it. 

I find myself saying to God, Life, this moment, or the breath (I am not really sure what I am saying it to) , "Please make my heart big enough to hold this too!  And this!  And this!..." 

Sigh! 

All is well! 

The cure for pain is in the pain.

Rumi

Are you here now?

 I am living here and now.The blessing of my life is that I am concentrating totally on the present moment. And I want to be because there is nothing but the present moment. 

Paulo Coehlo (The Alchemist) 

Are you here now? 

Are you present in this very moment and this very space of what you call your life?  Or are you up in your head somewhere remembering what happened yesterday and anticipating what will happen tomorrow? At this very moment are you  starring in some drama that you also produced and directed, disconnected from what is actually unfolding off this imaginary set? Do you even know where you are or what you are doing?  Can you feel your body connecting to the earth or the surface you are on? Can you feel your breath going in and going out? Are you aware of your heart beating?  Can you hear what is going on around you? Can you feel it?  Are you here now?

Are you here now?, is a question I frequently ask myself these days.  

I will often catch myself waking up from a fugue, where I was lost, for God knows how long,  in some long winded narrative in my head, far away  from  here, far away from now. Thinking, thinking, thinking and living Life through this thick veil of  thinking, rather than directly.   I may be walking or driving somewhere, doing some chores, or even meditating when I suddenly realize..." Man, I am doing it again". I will  then gently bring myself back...focus on my breath, what is happening at that moment, the sensations of my body and any feelings I may be experiencing at that moment of realization. These moments of realizing that I was somewhere else are becoming more and more frequent.  I am becoming more and more aware that I was or am lost...out of my here and out of my now so  I can come back to direct experience.  

Waking Up,  if Only for A Moment

The other night I was washing my hands in the bathroom and I caught myself in this surreal mental space again. I brought myself back out of my head and into the moment.  I felt the  water on my hands, I could smell the  soap...and I looked into the mirror, directly into my eyes. It was like, "Wow!  This is me, not the heroine/victim in my head  This isn't "my" life!  It is just Life. This is not "my" reality! It is just reality.  Cool!"  

Then for some reason, I found it all so funny and I began to laugh. You would have thought I dropped a hit of acid or something. I didn't lol...I just woke up, if only for amoment 

I really, really want to live Life in the here and now and not in my head.  I want to be increasingly  present in my day to day experiences. So now, throughout the day, I will ask myself that question, "Are you here, now?" and I will check to see if I am in my head or in Life. 

Just recognizing that we are or were  lost in thought is a great acheivement.  Everytime we realize that we were "thinking"we create a bit of distance between us and that thinking. And it is in that space where presence can be found. 

Maybe we could set little alarms on our phones to go off every hour at least ( well maybe not when we are sleeping) as a prompting to ask that question: Are you here now?. 

Hmm!  What do you think? 

All is well! 

 When the eyes and ears are open, even the leaves on the trees teach like pages from the scriptures.

Kabir

 

If you are looking for some, neat organized order to these pages...some professional quality or perfection...you are not going to find it here. This is not a professional website.  It is just me

All you will  find here are  some verbal and visual expressions from a far from perfect and far from professional person who is simply using this site to teach so she  can learn, to learn so she can teach. 

I am no expert, no more evolved than you are on  this path of understanding and I have no desire to pretend to be anything I am not.  This is it, typos and all! 

I link this site to articles I have published, not to lure people here so I get more readers and therefore feed my ego...I link it  for those of you who  are reading a bio from one of my on-line articles  and who are  left wondering, "Who is this crazy lady? What if anything, can I learn  from her?" 

I am not sure you can learn anything from me. This "crazy lady", however,  is someone who  has learned so much about Life, mostly the hard way :), and who now has  this compulsion to share what was learned. Maybe it will click with you and maybe it won't. Regardless, what you will probably learn from me, if you learn anything at all, is that you don't need to learn anything from me, you need to learn from you by examining your own mind and your own life. 

Anyway, I put what I have learned into these entries with all their rawness and  imperfection in hope that they  will benefit someone out there, and at the same time help me understand it all better.

So it is not professional or perfect...just real. I can only give you "me" and though I think that is enough...you may not. No problem...I hope you find what you are looking for elsewhere. 

All is well!

The world is tangled in a knot.

Who can untangle the tangle?

-The Path of Purification

You!  You can untangle the tangle by beginning to recognize, understand and unravel the knot in your own mind.  It all begins there. 

All is well

 

Living Fully.

 

Living fully means jumping into the unknown, dying to all our past and future ideals, and being present with things just as they are.

Jack Kornfield

I finished seeking the Heart of Wisdom (Goldstein & Kornfield; Shambala Classics;2001)and it resonated with every part of me. Though the wisdom shared within its pages was directed towards helping others establish a better Vipassana(Insight meditation)  practice...it  was  wisdom that could also be carried into all avenues of Life. The aim of Vipassana is to open us up to what is in every given moment...being present with things as they are. And that is living fully.  

This being open is a new and unknown experience for most of us who have spent  our lives so far running from or pushing at least half of our experience away because we were afraid.  ( All aversion stems from fear of some kind). Seeking a sense of security we created a false sense of strength and protection  in our narrow, judging  and overly selective minds with our ideals, beliefs, stories and narratives. We got so entangled in those ideals and narratives that we became  stuck, the farthest thing  from free.  Most of us are stuck in our heads and living only half lives. We miss so much when we live like this. 

Through mindfulness; through a practice of sitting quietly once or twice a day; through a committment to look at, understand and to some degree tame  what our minds are doing...we can be freed. We can learn to live fully.               

The capacity to be open to the new in each moment without seeking a false sense of security is the true source of strength and freedom in life. It allows us to receive all things, to touch all things, to learn from whatever presents itself. 

Jack Kornfield

All is Well

And this too!

And this too!

 This vision of me sitting in an open field came to me again last evening when I became overwhelmed by intense feelings of fear, helplessness and remorse for not taking my daughter's fears and concerns to heart...for passing off her worry that her baby did not seem to be moving enough inside her and that she was not getting the required number of kicks  when she did check.  I never counted baby kicks when I was pregnant...if I did, I would be crazier than I am now and that is pretty crazy. To alleviate her fears and concerns I kept saying...don't worry about the number of kicks, just trust that this miracle of life knows what it is doing. To reassure her further, I said I will look more into this "kick per hour" thing and get back to her.  

Well...I was not concerned so it took me a few days to do so.  When I did, I realized it was a new thing OBGYN's are reccommending for their patients and that any decrease in movement noted by a mother after 28 weeks should be investigated right away.  My heart fell to my feet...my daughter was somehow soothed by my lack of worry but my lack of worry might  have been detrimental to the her and the baby's well being.  I called her, and told her in a way I hoped would not cause further worry to call the maternity floor and talk to a nurse there about her concerns over lack of movement. She did, and they told her to come in. When she got there, they had a challenging time getting a consistent heart beat.  They had to call the doctor in and start an IV...

 I spent an hour at home  with this intense feeling of fear, worry, guilt and confusion. My mind automatically took me to the worse case scenario and I began to experience anticipatory grief  and on top of that self blame...it would be my fault, my daughter's suffering would be my fault. I imagined what my daughter would suffer if there was something wrong, after losing a baby just months ago. I crumbled.  I closed up right away and began to pace and wring my hands.  There was so much pain...I was a mess. I wanted to run from it! 

And then through it all I seen the vision of me sitting in meditation posture in the middle of an open field, open and willing to accept without running away whatever unfolded in front of me and heard myself saying, "And this too! This too is Life."  

I sat down to meditate further on this...and though it was so hard to sit with the unknowing, the worry, the fear and the self blame...I did and the tears, big, beautiful, bold tears, just started to come out of me ...and it was, as strange as it sounds, absolutely beautiful.  I settled into this field of awareness...open and receptive to all that might be without knowing what could or would happen..."And this too!" ws my mantra ...wondering what the "this" was going to be in any moment. The pain did not go away but I accepted it. 

When I finished my meditation...I was so calm, so peaceful and I waited for the time I could call her back. When the time came I calmly did..not knowing what I might hear...What I heard was relief in her voice . They were getting a consistent heart beat and because of all the probing the baby was now moving quite a bit. The tears started again. "And this too!" I said out loud.  "And this too!This too is Life." 

Wow!  Thought I would share that.

All is well.  

Service?

 How do we know when and where to serve? There is no preset answer-the heart will tell us when we listen.

Jack Kornfield

Purpose and Service

Hmmm!  I have been thinking a lot about purpose and service.  Though I am seeking the path of enlightenment ( which sounds so "out there" I know but which really means I just want to live openly, honestly and lovingly, aligned with the truth...whatever that is), I know my living  entails more than just meditation,  studying what others have learned about this path and sharing what I learn. It requires a certain active  service to humanity, to the world at large...a certain "doing".  

I truly want to do what I am meant to do.  I want what I "do" to have a purpose, to benifit others, and I want to make my life one of service.  

A Fall From Productive Redemption?  

I also, on a purely personal and selfish level ...need maybe  to make more cash so I can survive in this world where I need to pay a mortgage, need to buy groceries and pay for services, independently. On my own, I don't make enough to survive. And I am not pitying myself or asking to be seen as a victim, which I know I am not.  Though there were some judgements and circumstances beyond my control that impinged on my livlihood and had something to do with the direction my life took...there were many, many  circumstances within my control and I actively made choices, with what unfolded in front of me, to be where I am now. I own this and I am okay with it! I know I am exactly where I need to be. 

Others are not okay with it, maybe.  They may look at me with eyes conditioned by a culture where one's "work ethic" is the most redemptive quality about a person and question why a woman like me, with nine years of post secondary education, is living below the poverty line;  and " why , since she looks like she is feeling so much better is she not out there towing the line like the rest of us do or did?"  

I am feeling better because I am stepping away from my conditioned need to tow the line and am placing my healing at the top of my priority list.  My need to tow the line was a symptom of a conditioned habit to run and hide from that which needed healing by keeping up with the world so I could at least appear to be worthy, according to its standards. My internal need to serve in a way that also served me got twisted up with my need to keep up with the Jones.  Though I did love teaching ...I was on automated pilot most times...working for the sake of working. I loved the income too...I was very attached to my great salary as well.

 When my body and mind began to scream at me, I ignored it. So numb was I from this collective habit of working for the sake of working and so ashamed was I of not being able to keep up in the way I was socially expected to,  I struggled with the message to stop and  heal  I was being given. If I were to stop and listen when it first started to get noisy it may have never gotten to the point it did. ...the point it gets for many of us. 

Exactly Where I Need to Be: Serving

So this is how my version of life unfolded and I made choices that led me to where I am now...broke, "unproductive" in the eyes of many but at the same time...I know I am exactly where I need to be...thus my feeling better.  I am reconstructing the  vision of my life  from one that keeps up with society's standards to one that reflects  what feels right to me. 

I am still in the process and like I say many times I am not sure about anything...but I know,  despite the fact  I could use more money to pay the bills...I cannot do what I do for others, expecting or dependent on payment. It just no longer make sense to do what I do for money...it makes more sense to give my life away. Now I have the time and energy to truly give to my family. What I offer in my yoga studio, for example, I offer as a gift for most people, at least partially. Some insist on paying and if it is that important to them I accept it but only after they have consistently received the gift of yoga from me.  I started teaching yoga knowing that it was never going to be something  I would do to pay the bills.  I thought if the bills got paid through my teaching, so be it. If they didn't, so be it. There was no attachment to income as an outcome.  I do that with my writing too...here or elsewhere.  I am  also doing and  willing to provide service to others in need without the need for payment.  Don't get me wrong, I accept and appreciate payment when it comes for a service I provide that proves valuable to someone but it is  not why I do what I do,  or give what I give. To me that is true service I want to provide.

Now to make money...which I see as something  as service to self not others... I wonder about taking on some very menial and manual  job for so many hours a week ...something that serves in a very general way ...but that has nothing about it  that will lead to ego attachment. Something where who I am on the outside, what I did in the past is inconsequential and will go completely unnoticed.  Like working on a farm, landscaping, cleaning gutters ...I don't know.  Something will come up.  We will see. 

Anyway, how I rambled today, eh?  

All is well in my world.

But the spirit of service asks us to touch and act from a deeper place, a chord of the heart that responds to life out of connectedness and compassion, independently of results. 

Jack Kornfield 

Sit With It

 

Sit with it. Sit with it. Sit with it.Even though you want to run.  Even though it is difficult. Even though you are not quite sure of the way through. Healing happens by feeling.

Dr. Rebecca Ray

Sitting in the Field of Spaciousness

I had this vision of myself today ...whoever"myself" is...sitting in the midst of a wide spacious field in the middle of nowhere in particular.  So much expanse of sky around me.    Now as I envision this I  realize that I am totally exposed to all the elements both inside and outside of me should they come my way. As I sit here I am physically open...raw...unprotected from the storms or onslaughts of the external world or the gut wrenching pain of the internal one. I also  realize that I know absolutely nothing about anything.  All the  usual beliefs in things I once surrounded myself with to protect this idea of "me" have shrivelled up and have blown away. I have no "knowledge" of anything, no idea of what Life has in store for me, what Life is, who I am, what is "good", what is "bad", what I should or shouldn't do. It is all like a dream and I wonder if this is a nightmare or a sweet fantasy. 

 I see I am alone in this field , exposed and vulnerable to whatever may be out there.  I do not, however, curl up in a ball to protect my vital organs, nor do I cover myself up or take on some protective stance.  I simply sit where I am, in meditation posture, in preparation to stay open to all that comes at me.  Allowing all of it....good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant...I just sit. I am soooo tired of running away so I have no desire to.  I am willing to take what comes. I even here myself saying, "Bring it on!" 

I have no idea what might show up in front of me or how that might feel. I have no idea if it will be pleasant or unpleasant.  I question the reality of everything including this whole notion of  evil. Is it real?  Knowing nothing, I wonder if  there is some outside force that is predominantly "bad", out to hurt and punish; if there is such thing as karma and if I am I paying for some past sins.  I wonder if I am manifesting all these negative things I am experiencing through my own consciousness in preparation for an even greater sorrow. I wonder if I am being surrounded by evil. I wonder if I am indeed being punished or cursed.  Is there some greatly negative thing heading my way? 

Though there may be some discomfort with this wondering...there is more curiosity than fear. Though I recognize fear in my body related to the unknown, I am not resisting that. I let it be.. .for  the first time in my life I seem to be okay with the unknown. At the same time, I have this strong desire to "know" the ultimate truth  and to risk "my" safety just so I can find out.  I have no plans on what I will do if or when. Nor do I have any desire to run from or avoid.  I just sit.  

I do not know if bad or harmful things are out to get me ...this clump of flesh sitting in a field...and if I am strong enough to ward those things off.  I don't know if there is something to this world I cannot see that will protect me and guide me. I don't know anything...but I am willing, more than willing, to just sit and discover , observe and study whatever Life wants to show me. So I just sit. 

This image of me sitting in this field, knowing nothing, without judgement or expectation, without resistance ...open and exposed ...is so comforting for some reason.

The Thought Streams Leading to the Field

I woke up at 630 this morning after some dreams I only partially recall with two predominant thought streams whirling through my head. Both were so strong...I tried at first to resist them, stuff them but they wouldn't allow that to happen...they were thought streams I have been trying to resist for days or weeks....and they demanded to be looked at. They both came out in picture images I could not escape. Both were things that left that twisting knot in my gut and even gave me chest pain. They had to be dealt with...no more stuffing, running, denying. 

 I responded to the first one with action...making a call to someone and setting up an appointment that I later went to in order to confirm if  this image I was having about this worrisome thing was as I saw it.  I meditated later and this image of me in the field came up.  On my way to this appointment...the field  became clearer and I felt so much peace. The image I envisioned about the worrisome thing  was indeed as I envisioned it and my deep intuitive feeling to respond to it was validated. I am not sure if I rectified the situation but I did make some changes and will be watching it closely.

Now the second picture image directed thought stream was about another issue that was breaking my heart...something I intuitively felt for many  months and kept stuffing, stuffing and stuffing. The image that came up this morning told me in no uncertain terms that it was as I saw it and I needed to strike up a very challenging and heart breaking conversation with a loved one. It reminded me at the same time I don't know anything about anything  but I have to open myself up so I will know at least a tiny bit. Sigh!

These thoughts took me to a dark place very fast and from there they took me to this field...this field of infinite possibilities...this field where nothing is certain or sure...this field where I am resting, open and vunerable, in spaciousness...a field where I let go of my need to run and was just sitting with what is...surrendering and willing to look deeply at all that was there or that could be there regardless if it caused fear or not...allowing all of it.  This letting go ws like dropping hundreds of pounds from my back pack. Relief

Hmmm! I don't know what that means exactly ...like I said I don't know much about anything. I just know it gave and gives me great peace  to imagine that.

All is well.  

Disillusioned

 

Faith is to believe what you  do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe. 

Saint Augustine

I have spent a couple of days contemplating my own disillusionment  with the "spiritual movement" I was observing outside of me. I mean, I have had to watch the fall of my ideas and attachments again and again over the course of my own spiritual seeking, namely the fall of so-called heros in this area. Sadly the Catholic church fell first. Though my reverence for Christ has never faltered, I began to look outside my traditional upbringing for answers.  Other areas where I placed my faith began to disappoint me when I witnessed or became aware of the need for power, recognition, greed and the exploitation of others that drove these individuals or institutions.  

Netflix and Prime, have been helping out to some degree with my disillusionment. :) It was through Netflix and Prime  documentaries that  I became disillusioned with Yoga Masters and Ashrams. There was the  series on Bikrum, the one on Osho...both proving to be egomaniacs that abused and exploited others sexually, finacially and emotionally.  That led me to discover the same type of  allegations against Satchinanada, another Yoga "hero" of mine. There were other documentaries about the more secular, new- age types of leaders that proved to be dominated by ego, not spirit, and a series on cults  that left me more than a little confused. And finally, there was the most recent series on "John of God". 

For most of my life, I really, really wanted and looked for any scrap of  scientific and indisputable evidence that would prove the reality of miracles,  psychics, angels,  life after death, and the existence of the invisible realm to support my gnawing gut feeling it was there. I looked up to Wayne Dyer and Oprah Winfrey, trusting in their opinion of such gifted people. They both revered a Brazilian man that was named, "John of God" because of the way he channelled the spirits of others in order to perform spiritual and physical surgeries that healed "the poor"  in the name of God.  I was inspired...could this be the proof I needed? I looked into him briefly and was drawn in when I read somewhere that he performed all these interventions for free. He ws operating from spirit, not ego?  I made the assumption he was a mild, meek and humble man that remained poor in order to serve God. He could be the proof I needed.

Well, that was a laugh.  I am not sure if he actually performed miracles or not but he certainly was not doing what he was doing for selfless reasons. (Watch the documentary yourself). It shook the ground I was standing on.  Leaving me with the question, "Is there any evidence that there is a world or realm beyond this one...the spiritual demension?"

That led me to an afternoon in front of Youtube looking for some evidence that there was some evidence.  I looked up "proof of psychic ability"...and video after video debunked the validity of psychics in a way that made way too much sense to my rational mind to not agree.  Maybe psychic was too much of a stretch.  I reached back to my catholic upbringing and I thought of angels .  There were believable experts in that area, wasn't there?  Doreen Virtrue for some reason, came to me in one form or another over the last few decades, and she offered me in some strange way that reassurance. I would look to her agian to ease my confusion and make me a believer again. I came across a video of the new "reformed" Doreen Virtrue  Now, after reading the bible, she has denounced everything she has taught previous to her new Christian fanaticism and is saying it (all 'new-age' exploration) is "evil" . She is now "preaching", attempting to put the fear of satan and hell into people so they repent. Huh?

I am pretty confused right now. I am not sure if there is any evidence out there in this world of human forms to prove there is more than this.  I mean I know it in my heart but...my mind still questions. 

Anyway, all is well.

Exactly As It Is

 When we know from our own experience that we are not thoughts, emotions or sensations, not the body, not sights or sounds, not love, not wisdom, not consciousness, not anything at all, then we can understand everything exactly as it is. 

Joseph Goldstein, page 193

The Thief of Permanence and Solidity

 The Thief 

I lay in the dark, 

like I do every night,

counting shadows on my wall.

As I wait for numbing sleep

 to overtake me,

the window to my chamber 

creaks open. 

Having heard the many rumours 

of a destructive prowler

that lurks around at night,

I am suddely filled 

with dread and expectation.

I quickly slide under my bed

and hold my breath. 

Dressed in black , 

a mere shadow in the night,

Time creeps  into this room.

It  tip toes across the shiny floor 

I worked so hard to  keep clean 

leaving evidence of its being here 

with  sloppy  muddy tracks.

I watch helplesslessly 

as it opens up my safe 

with just the lightest tap, 

grabbing  all the precious shiny gold

I was saving for tomorrow.

 It throws  my life work

 thoughtlessly 

into a sack that makes  

all valuable , 

hard earned things 

disappear. 

I wince 

as it  rummages 

through my  drawers, 

closets and trinket boxes,

through my life's collections,

knocking down,

turning over, 

destroying,

without any regard 

for the  property and privacy

I marked as "mine".

It takes all  that once 

may have made others envious 

or at least allowed  

me to blend into the world

and 

leaves behind

 the mismatched, 

misfit, 

tattered and worn,

now permanently  marked  

with its grubby finger prints. 

I watch without  hope

as I am stripped 

of all I thought was "me", 

while  its accompliss, 

on the wall behind me, 

ticks a song 

I am all too familiar with.

Time  shuffles past

slowly,

deliberately

ready to leave with its stash.

My heart beats so quickly.

I want it to go before I am discovered here.

As if hearing my thought,

 this thief of youth and permamence ,

turns toward my hiding place and 

for the briefest second ....

 stops!

 The  muddy toes point in my direction.

 I  gulp in the air that is suddenly so stale

and try to slither back and away

 to no avail.

Time bends down and lifts the bed skirt,

peering in at me with sightless eyes

that peak out around the holes of its mask, 

sending shivers down my spine.

It shakes its  head and whispers 

in a tone of  a superior being

who need not explain anything,

"You can't get away from me." 

Before I can scream in protest,

it reaches in and pulls me from

my comfort zone. 

I fight but  

my fists strike at nothing.

There is nothing solid 

I can push away.

Dragging me into the light 

it  punishes me for my resistance, 

whipping creases into my flesh

and

 stripping  the remaining  threads 

of  self respect

from my paralyzed body

with no more than its breath. 

When it is done with me, 

stuffing all the remaints of  

youth and beauty,

I once wore as protection 

into its bottomless bag,

it discards what is left of   "me" 

as if I were no-thing. 

I watch from my muddied floor

as the crinimal, 

this ghostly shadow,

carrying all the solid things I clung to

over its shoulder,

sneaks back out of the same window 

it came in 

and is gone. 

I would cry  out for help,

yell for the powers that be to go after

this cruel thief, 

to capture and imprison it

for all the crimes that it committed. 

But I know, 

despite the evidence 

left behind,

Time will always be an elusive,

 shadowy figure

no one can catch or hold on to. 

So I lay where I am

and breathe

waiting for the light of day 

to shine down on this dark destruction,

time has left behind.

A light emerges 

gradually,

slowly, 

faintly

around me, 

a soft light. 

It does not hide what Time has done

but somehow it soothes the pain. 

 I see through its gentle golden hues

 that all that was taken

was meaningless

and somehow in the way.

I look down at my now naked self 

and see the perfection 

in this marked imperfection,

the wisdom in this constantly 

changing  insecurity

as this light

gradually,

slowly,

faintly expands. 

The light, 

I realize then,

is not coming from 

the open window 

Time has crept through.

It is coming from my fading form.

If it were not for Time's 

break and entering

into my wispy, 

falsely solid and secure little  world, 

I would still be laying in the dark,

counting the shadows on my wall. 

 

© Dale-Lyn September, 2021

Inspired by something I heard Eckhart Tolle saying today

Time is something that is ultimately going to destroy you but it is a criminal you can never catch.

All is well!