A Little Prayer

 

Holy Spirit,

Help me to heal others so that I may heal…to be healed so I can heal others.

Help me to teach so that I can learn…to learn, so that I can teach

Help me to light the way so that I may see…to see, so that I can light the way.

Help me to bring joy so that I may smile and laugh with my brothers [ACIM terminology]…to smile and laugh with my brothers, so I can bring joy.

Help me to give so that I can receive…to receive so that I can give.

Help me to love so that I may be loved…to be loved so I may love.

This is a prayer I have been reciting since first reading ACIM.  It came to me one day when I had my eyes closed and I was pondering over what it is I really want to ask for. I recite it often. 

All is well!

Stress and Dis-ease

 Just as consciousness can cause disease, it can also create good health and well-being.

Erin Fall Haskell

Stress and Disease

Stress is a strange and powerful thing to consider when we look on our life experience and realize we are indeed "stressed".  I often talk about the implicatons stress has on the body.  How I see trapped trauma memory , more so than genetics, as the cause of this "invisible" thing I have going on with my ticker, the cause of the knots in my body that are manifesting as painful "somethings" in areas of concern. 

Stress, I believe, is the greatest causative factor of all disease. Fight, flight and freeze reactions lead to sudden changes in  "chemistry" in the body...the release of epinephrine and norepinephrine that speed up heart rate, cause muscle contraction in preparation for action that seldom comes, increase blood pressure, delay the immune and digestive responses ( because the body just does not have time for them) and demands that adrenal glands exhaust themselves in order to keep up the cortisol production needed at these times.  This response gets turned on when no apparent threat to our physical survival is before us. And ,  most of us in this part of the world,  do not know how to shut this stress system off once it is turned on. We live in states of chronic stress.

The Mind turns on the Stress Response

So what does the turning on and the turning off?  The mind.  

It is the mind and all our thoughts, our judgments, our perceptions and intrepretations...that turn on the stress response. It is the mind that tells us something is dangerous, bad, wrong .  The mind tells us to fight, resist, avoid what Life offers in a moment.  It is the mind that tells us Fear is real and that we must "react" accordingly. This fear response is hard on the body and if fear (in its many forms: frustration, anger, resentment, blame, anxiety, dread, sadness, grief, despair etc) is trapped inside rather than released, as it is in many of us, it reeks havoc on the body.  How we think, then, is the leading cause of disease.

The Mind can turn off the Stress Response

If that is the case, then  only by controlling of that mind  will we be able turn off the stress response.  Controlling the mind is not an active process, as may be imagined as someone gripping with all their might on a large hand brake as they are dragged along with their heels screeching against the earth. Controlling the mind is actually more of an allowing and observing of the mind as the key instigator of our negative experiences.  

Notice the Body in Stress Mode

Just step back away from the experience that you erronously believe to be causing the stress and watch your reaction.  Notice how your body is responding to that stress...the area in the belly...the key intuitive center may feel tight, "off", contracted . You may feel tension in jaw, neck, shoulders .  You may notice you are breathing fast and shallow, your heart is beating fast. You may notice your hands in fists and your upper torso leaning forward. As soon as you notice this...know it is the mind doing it. The body is just responding to its commands. Then take a big slow breath in and out. Release the stress through trembling, activity, walking, yoga, kick boxing if that works for you. Let this stress work its way out of the body before going back to the mind.

Notice the Mind in Stress Mode

Then still yourself and observe what the mind is doing. . Don't resist, struggle or actively try to stop the thinking...just see it as it is ...mind activity.  

Then continue to focus on  breath and connect to the moment you are in, the only time worth investing in. Allow...allow the body to relax, allow the mind to relax.

Do this not as a reaction to stress but as a proactive preventive measure for avoidng the damage stress can have on us.  Things are going to keep happening around you...life will continue to do what life does but instead of reacting in a harmful way to events, and memories...we can learn to respond with a committment to releasing both mental and physical tension from the body. The Stress Response will automatically shut off then. We will be on our way to better health!

All is well! 

Erin Fall Haskell (2017) Awakening. Kindle Edition

A Bit of a Grinch!

 And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came with out ribbons! It came without tags!"
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then? Well...in Whoville they say,
That the Grinch's small heart Grew three sizes that day!

Dr. Suess

I am going to be completly transparent as I type on my new key board ( a thoughtful gift from my Step-Son) making oodles of mistakes...because the letters are not spaced the same way my old keyboard was.  I have to look down now to type instead of just letting my fingers go where they naturally would go in keeping up with my thoughts.  Any time I look up...I make mistakes lol. Anyway...I am going to be transparent in regards to how I feel right now!  The way I always feel on boxing day....RELIEVED!  

If I am completely honest...I have to say that I am not a big fan of this holiday, or at least what we have done with it! Sorry Cindy Lou....I am a bit of a Grinch.  I know I am not alone.  I know it is actually a very difficult time for many, many people.  And too often those who find  Christmas  challenging  are shamed for it being so.

Why Is it So Difficult?  

Because of the pressure of expectation, I believe. We have built Christmas up into something it was never meant to be, attached so much varying belief and tradition around it that we got lost in some collective  idea of "it" and suffer under the expectation to perform in order to keep up with this "idea." At least that is the way it is around me. Though I conform to this idea each and every year, it has never felt "right"  to me.

What is expected is pumped into us months before?...

Man it is hard to escape from this version of Christmas  in my part of the world...the signs are everywhere long before this one day of the year is near. These signs direct us into behaving a certain way as we are pulled along with teh herd. We have to be "merry" and happy at this time, even though the season tends to trigger trauma memories or if we suffer from depression.  We "have" to socialize and meet with other people, even though we have anxiety.  We have to gather in groups, even though it may be dangerous (COVID).  We have to connect with family and make nice, even though there may be trauma and dysfunction upon doing so.  We have to buy, buy, buy, buy the "perfect" gifts  for a few special  individuals, even though these individuals have too much and there is so many others not on our "special" lists that have nothing.  We have to cut down God's perfect creations and stuff them in pots in our living rooms and decorate them.  We have to adorn our houses like the "neighbors" do with sparkling lights so our eyes are drawn to them rather than to the brilliant stars in the sky. We have to bake and cook and consume an excess of food and drink, even though many go hungry, even though what we often eat is the flesh of other beings who were treated miserably. We then have to  choke the earth  with the discarded packaging, gift wrap, tissue paper, paper plates and  plastic utensils  that make our clean ups "easier".

 And why do we do all this? 

Because it is Christmas and what is expected of Christmas.  

And what is Christmas? 

Chist -mas...the mass for Christ.  Celebrating Christ and his amazing presence and teaching on this earth is something I am all for...but why do we have a mass, a special celebration,  for Christ on December 25th? ...Because the church told us it was his birthday.  

Well no one really knows when Christ was born...but some day had to be selected didn't it, if Christianity was going to flourish?  So the Julian calender came up with a date in early January and then later when Pope Gregory was competing with Paginism...he decided to use  the time that came around the pagan celebration of Winter Solistice to declare, in a sense, Christianity as the winner. The calender was actually changed, dropping 11 days from the original. 

So like many holidays...Christmas is a "man made" date orginally based on ego, not so much true spiritual motivation.  

I have to ask, would this be what Christ would have wanted...being the ascendent and fully evolved human/spiritual being He was, as He looked down at our celebration of it in His name? 

My heart says "no".

Christ taught Love, peace, joy, forgiveness and the givng of Self.  He did not teach that  someday we were to celebrate the birth of His teachings through the attachment of "things", buying,  or the giving of material gifts.  He did not teach that peace will be  found in crazy lineups at the grocery store or fighting over limited amounts of "objects" at the toy store.  The three wise men ,I am sure, did not shop at Amazon. He did not teach that true giving meant going into massive creditor debt.  He did not teach that gluteny, greed and over consumption would be "okay" on his Birthday. He did not teach that "love" was to be limited to a few "special" human relationships...and that expressing love would come from buying.

I know I sound like the Grinch...I do...and I guess, if I am honest ...I am to some extent like the Grinch. I am not sure if my head is screwed on right and yes, with my bunyans, my shoes are often a bit too tight...that could be the cause of my grichiness lol.  I do know that my heart is only "two sizes too small" when I ignore what my spirit is saying every year and continue to "conform" because of ego .  Even though I give...it doesn't feel like "true giving"...more like " socially pressured obligation". 

Part of me wants to steal Christmas from "Whoville"...I do...but as the Grinch discovered, that is not the answer.  Christmas is a mind set and we cannot fix others until we fix ourselves.  If we want to follow Christ's teachings for true giving, true Love, peace and joy all the year round we have to start by  removing these unwise traditions and beliefs not from others in "Who-ville" but from our minds. Remove ego's version of Christmas, ego's version of everything  and put it on a proverbial sled that will lead  us to higher consciousness:

Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

Then maybe we will see clearly what Christ was truly wanting us to see.

All is well.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Google Docs https://docs.google.com/document/preview?hgd=1&id=10yulrehQodGE7jqCt6AT0W_gclURWfo4q0HryBjTxVw

Money Talk

 Money is just another form of communication in this world, whereas affluence is a way of being; a mind-set that is based on relationships and co-creating. 

Erin Fall Haskell

Hmm! I want to talk about money.  

I know I know...it is not the most comfortable topic to write about.  There are many of us right now who feel somehow overpowered by it (spending a great deal of our mental energy worrying and fretting over a "lack of money")  but it is important, I think, to change the way we look at this "energetic currency" .   Our perceptions of it, derived from our limiting  beliefs, are often  what is holding us back and keeping us from expanding into prosperity.  

What is your relationship right now with money?  Do you feel, like I often do, that  you are struggling just to keep your head above water only to feel that someone or something  is always trying to hold your head down? What beliefs do you have about money? Do you see it as a good thing or a bad thing? Do you see scarcity or abundance when it comes to the amount of money available to all of us in this world? Who gets rich? Who stays poor? Are the rich evil  and the poor martyrs in this world, according to your belief system? Are you not living the life you want to live because of money?  Do you feel that all "your problems" would be solved if only you had more money? 

What if I told you...?

 Your perception of money is based on the reflection of your relationship with your self, your idea of self-worth, and self love. 

Huh?

What if I told you that if you beleive you do not have enough money, you actually believe you are not enough?  If you believe you need money in order to live a fulfilling life, you have given power to money because  you cannot see the power inside of you.  Do you actually believe money is more powerful than you, more powerful than the God that made you? 

The truth is...you are wealthy even if you look at your bank account, like I so often do these days and see red. 

Your  Divine nature is that of true abundance, infinite progression, and ever-lasting co-creation.

You are prosperous and wealthy.  You just don't know it.  You are focusing your attention on what you, at this moment, may be lacking instead of what you have.  These limiting beliefs and this focus are in the way of you experiencing full abundance.

You have to realize another thing too...having money is not wealth.  Living a full life of peace and joy...that is true prosperity.  You could have a billion dollars to your name but if you do not have peace of mind...you are dirt poor! 

We also have to remeber that the Universe doesn't know the difference between giving and receiving.  So if you want to feel rich...give....and it doesn't have to be cash you give  Focus on serving and helping others! That is what will make you rich in all ways. What you put out there with your thoughts, feelings and behaviours will come back to you tenfold.  But the thing is, even if it didn't come back to you...you would still feel so rich simply by giving. 

You do not need physical cash to live a fulfilling life...you just need "Divine cash".  And the bank where that can be withdrawn and deposited is in a loving heart.

All is well.

Erin Fall Haskell (2017) Awakening. Kindle Edition

In The Breath Before Reacting

 

The mind has the ultimate power to create, innovate, and thrive no matter the circumstance. You always have the election to focus on what is wrong or what is right.  You alwayshave the choice to hold onto resentments or forgive, moving onwards and upwards. 

Erin Fall Haskell

Christmas shopping is not going perfectly for me. lol I just got notice that a parcel I ordered for D. weeks ago, his gift, was cancelled.  It was like Yikes!!! Less than five days.

The amazing thing about this though is that I caught myself as soon as I felt the twinge of resistance in my gut upon first encountering the event-_--which was the reading of the email.  The "Oh No!" had already slipped from my lips but I heard it as merely a conditioned reaction and I did not fall into its trap. I just watched what was happening inside me and I did as Haskell suggests we do...take a deep breath between the "stimuli' and the " response to the stimuli".  That breath is what the Toa may refer to as the "breath of vacancy", what Tolle refers to as "presence".  It offers what Michael Singer in the untethered soul would refer to as the stilling of the  pendulum.  

Though we are conditioned to...we do not have to drool with every bell that rings. There is that spacious presence that exists between what Life presents on the outside and what the mind and body does with it.  It is in that space where we want to be. 

So I breathed and I asked myself , "Being that you have a choice here...how would you like to respond to this event?  With resentment, fear and sadness or with peace? "

I chose peace.  That one breath between the stimuli and the response gave me the opportunity to choose something different than ego reactivity. It also gave me the opportunity to change the trajectory of my thinking. If I staid in reactivity, I would have followed my mind  down a dark, panicky hill very fast. I would have felt like crap and in the long run...whether you believe this or not...my outside world would have presented more crap to me.

When I changed the focus from "Oh man another punch from the Universe" to "Oh wow!  Another lesson from the Universe." ...I didn't get resentful, upset...I was grateful.

My reactive thinking could have led to a snow ball effect of looking for memories and instances to prove how the Universe was against me...and I would have been left feeling like a powerless victim but instead, with this awareness and desire to choose differently, I immediately began to look for solutions. And D. might just get this gift for Christmas afterall. If not...he will get a picture of it and he will know it will be coming in shortly after Christmas. 

I know for certain, I am not the only individual out there effected by the complications of shopping on line during a pandemic. 

Beyond our control people...we need to just let it go.

(Excuse the typos from this imperfect being :)) 

All is well!

Surrendering to the Ebb and Flow

 

Surrender to the ebb and flow and honor the parallel coincidences and paradoxes life offers.

My heart is broken right now!  As I mentioned I wrote and did up a little children's book for my grand daughter.  All her Christmas gift was centered around that book.  I was so excited about it.  Though I could have chosen a much more cost effective printing company to print it...I chose a company I have published with before because they gauarantee a 4-5 business day printing time, which would mean that ...even though shipping can be be unpredictable at this time of year...the book was guaranteed to be en route to me in plenty of time for Christmas ...if that is...it got printed in that time frame.  

It was not.  It took  over eight business days/over ten days to print, instead of five  and was not shipped out until Thursday.  Not only that it was sent by courier in a round about way to here, meaning extra stops, extra shipping time.  I created and ordered two other books the day before and they will be here by the 21st....which I originally  calculated this one to arrive at , otherwise I would have chosen a different printer!  My tracking information showed up today for this most precious gift, however, and it will not be here until the 29th!  I literally cried! 

I am trying to do Christmas differently...less focus on gifting and buying and more on giving from the heart.  This was a gift from the heart ...a heart that is now allowing disappointment and resentment to fill it. How Christmassy is that? 

My first response after I resisted and cried out "Oh No!  This can't be!" was one of blame and anger.  I immediately went to the help site offered by this company and told them how disappointed I was.  I told them I would never do buisness with them again. Then I spent a good ten minutes seeking evidence for my perceived injustice.  "Where on the site did they gauarantee this?  In which way are they luring customers in with false or vague promises?  Where is the small print that protects them while they offer what seems like assurances at the expense of the customer? I found all that I was looking for that proved a breech in contract  and I stewed some more.  Out of this precious day I spent about 20 % of it so far stewing in resentment, grief, disappointment  and reactivity to a little life circumstance beyond my control!  20 % of a day is too much to spend on negativity.  Heck 2 % is...isn't it?

Ironically, today I was also reading in Heskell's book about victimhood and judgment. 

What could I  have done instead of jumping into reactivity after seeing the tracking email?

The first thing I could have done was simply take a breath. Breathe in deeply what the universe just presented me...and breathe out resistance or attachment, releasing any judgment I have of that thing or event...neither good or bad,  right or wrong...just is! 

Recognizing the resentment, holding onto it just for a brief second, owning it as something in the mind only,  watching and then putting aside the ego's tendency to prove that someone or something 'out there' is responsible for the negative emotions I am suddenly feeling as a result to negative thoughts about this event are the next courses of action to take.

I can breathe in and out again. 

I can see what is before me...whatever it is as a blessing or a lesson.  This looks like a lesson from the universe that is constantly trying to get me to evolve into higher consciousness and it is such a simple little lesson compared to the others I am getting through right now.  :) Be grateful for it!

This lesson is taking me to the practice of choice.  I can choose what I focus my attention on. 

Do I choose the prison of "victimhood" and "suffering" or do I exercise the power of choice, my ability to free myself from this mental trap? I choose freedom.

Do I choose to stay stuck in negativity here as I spend precious moments proving my right to be upset or do I focus my mind on the positive I want in my life?I want peace!!! My major Life  goal!!! 

Do I choose resentment, blame, attack and vengeance here then or do I choose forgiveness?  Resentment does not bring peace...forgiveness does.  This company and the people who work in it are human and humans make mistakes, are stressed under the pressure of demand this season provides.  I can focus my attention on  the people like me, like you who work there rather than on  the company as a whole. I can chose compassion and empathy for them  over self righteousness and finger pointing. 

Do I choose ego reactivity ( a striking out) or a response from a higher level of spacious consciosness (expressing my disappointment in an honest way without the need to make others hurt or pay)?  I reviewed my note and though I expressed my disappointment and honestly told them I probably would not deal with them again, it was not venegance seeking or hurtful.  Just honest. Somehow response came out of me even though I felt reactive inside.

Do I focus on the problem at hand that seems I have no control over or do I focus on the possible solutions? Can I get it published somewhere else in time? Can I go back and see what it would cost to have that book sent priority and how long it will take? Can I just wait for the book to come in and offer a pic of it in the Christmas gift...added suspense.  

Do I focus and cling to the idea of what I thought this book would bring or do I let the idea go? What I expected the book to bring was just an idea like all expectation.  It was not real.  My life, my peace, my happiness is not in the future ...is not on hold until Christmas morning.  My Life is right here, right now. Hmmm!

Do I continue to focus on what is not seemingly working in my life or do I focus on what I want?  Do I focus on scarcity or abundance?  Positive occurences or negative? Despair or joy? Fear or Love? Hmmm! 

As Erin Fall Haskell asks:

Are you ready to focus on what you want to create in your life and let go of regret, sadness, and past events? 

I am grateful for the delay in this book for it offered  a lesson I think I am passing.  I see myself progressing in this Life 101 course. 

You realize that the only thing that can keep you suffering after an event has occurred is your own mind.

All good! 

Erin Fall Haskell(2017) Awakening. Kindle Edition

 Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there's nothing left to take away.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

SIGH!

 God is an unutterable sigh, planted in the depth of the soul.

Jean Paul

SIGH!!!!

Now that sigh is not a big pathetic "Oh Woe is me" sigh...it is simply a sigh of release.  In the beginning of my yoga classes I always get the students to breathe in deeply and release the day's accumulated  tension with a big sigh. It is very effective in bringing a more relaxed mind and body to the mat ...try it! 

So right now I am sighing as a lot of accumulated tension is released from my body and mind.  My sister is good.  Type 2 infarct, the same my other sister had, little damage done.  She is back in the hospital here and has one more "body" obstacle to get thrugh before her real healing challenge begins. So much relief knowing that she got through the last obstacle .  She is on her way. Sigh!

There is also some relief in knowing that I can't do anything about any of it.  I have no control here of her body, her wellness, her choices.  As she so often puts it, this is hers and she will handle it.  All we need to do is love her where she is  on any step of this journey  she is on. I can do that.  Sigh! 

I have released so much accumulated self pity with my whining here the otherday and that in itself was a sigh. Though I feel bad about complaining (This dang bracelet is moving back and forth like a helicopter propeller!) and thinking/negatively about other people (it is not my intention to hurt anyone)...

I feel more in my body and in my mindright here and now tahn I have in a while.  I therefore feel peace. Sigh!

Please note: I cannot seem to be able to correct my typos on the spot...please excuse. Sigh!

This sigh feels good.  Whenever I can just shed some of this weight...even just a bit that I seem to be carrying on my shoulders I feel thewonderful effect of a good sigh!

God is being released from the hiding place in my soul.

All is well! 

The Antithesis to Empowerment

 People sit around complaining,  ranting, and raving, falling into a pity party of victimhood, as if it solves a problem. It is the antithesis to empowerment.  It is like a virus that takes hold of the psyche, dis-empowering and 'duping' the self into believing it is different, seperate, and alone. 

Erin Fall Heskell

Worried

I am sitting here full of different emotions and feelings, while a mess of thoughts and images run in my head.  My sister was transfered to the Regional Hospital where she will have a cardiac procedure done today...an angioplasty and stenting.  I worry about her because she has so much else going on and though this procedure is done so often and so successfully on many people...she is a high risk because of her history with pulmonary emboli.  Want nothing but good thoughts sent her way...yet my mind won't obey.  Sigh!  

From Snowball to Avalanche

Right now I am having a hard time taking myself away from thinking about my external world circumstances.  I feel like I keep getting pulled back into them. This snowball starts rolling down the hill of mind pulling so many memories from my past up with it until it becomes an avalanche I am smothering under.  Yuck!  This is what one would call being lost in thinking. The mind is something that can wreak havoc when we let it run the show.

Anyway...I am remembering my past with my sister...the struggles, the trauma as well as the laughter and beauty.  I am remembering her pain then and how it accumulated into this big avalanche for her too...how we all spent so many years trying to dig her out of it, feeling worried, terrified, judgmental, angry, resentful  and frustrated until finally most of us were too exhausted to do anything but love her where she was. Maybe that is the best thing we could have done.  I don't know.

Whining and Self Pity

When I am lost in thinking...the whiny little selfish me pops up too to add to the drama.  This whiny little selfish me  reminds me of my own situation...how I not only was not heard in my attempt to say, "There is something going on in my family!"  I was shamed, left without support and resources, lost so much and yet I had to stop seeking validation because I was so afraid it would hurt the others I was trying to protect. I stopped seeking help for the chest pain and other symptoms because I  was so sure it would set the family back if they got caught up in the assumption made about me and because I just couldn't endure the shaming anymore. I gave up.   So right now I have  fifty dollars in my account and I have no idea how I am going to survive...all because people didn't believe me when I said..."I am sick and I think I know what this is." 

Then I feel guilty. Maybe if I didn't stop pushing...maybe the others would not have had to have their heart attacks.  And what about my children? Will they be taken seriously if this shows up in them?  I don't know.

Guilty!

Then I feel so, so guilty about thinking about me in this situation rather than my sister.  I did have a lapse into selfishness  with every family member that had a cardiac issue.  When my sister died of a SCD at 45, and I got through the grief, I thought about me.  I presented first with the chest pain and crazy pulses.  She had the same. I made a connection then...this is familial!  Then when my brother had his issues and had to be emergency cardioverted one day...I thought about me.  It sounded like what I had been complaining about for years previously.  Then when my sister who is a year older than me had her infarct out of the blue, ..I thought about me.  And when the third  sister had her cardiac crisis requiring stenting two years later., I thought about me.  When my oldest brother had his MI, a year after that ...I thought about me...(ironically his MI was happening the very same time I was putting an end to my fight for my  truth , help and financial support....the very same time.  I was being texted with the news but unable to answer my phone because of the meeting I was in that was  required to put an end to my 24 year plea for "Help! Please hear me!" ).  Everytime I thought of me, I recalled the shaming I experienced and I shamed myself further into deep guilt  for including myself into this group who had the validation. A group, I knew, I couldn't be a part of. 

No Power in Victimhood

A million  tiny little violins are playing all over the world right now, aren't they?  My mind is taking me on one long self pity trip into nowhere, isn't it?  I am letting it. Infact, I am almost enjoying this "Self-pity" attack. 

Why do we think that professing our "victimhood" will  give us power?  It doesn't.  It does the opposite. It is the stripper  of power.  My power would never come from my seeking help as a victim to this condition that is so real to me, if not to others, nor will it come from expressing myself as a victim to the unfair opinions and judgments  from others.  

Power: It is what it is and that is that!

My power comes in me letting go of my need for external validation and support, my need to be a victim to others. Struggling against the assumption made about me and its consequences  only stripped me of power and made me smaller and smaller and smaller. Surrendering gave me something so much more important than external treatment for this condition, an income, or a longer life.  It gave me peace of mind and awareness of what is really important. I wouldn't trade that for anything! I really wouldn't.

I can't beat myself up for these lapses into "me" thinking and self pity, either.  There is still some trauma residue inside me that has to work itself out of me.  That will  take time and kind patience on my part.  If I can remove the story around them and just experience those old emotions and the newer feelings as they emerge...they will trickle right out of  my body and my mind. 

And I can then get back to redirecting my focus to sending good thoughts to those who need it the most.

All is well. 

Inspired by Tears

 

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

Kahil Gibran

Hmmm!  I am not sure what to write about but as soon as I opened up to this blank page I felt all those old emotions knocking gently on the inside of the windows of the soul...could feel a collection of tears up against the back of my eyes.  Just like that.  

Grief? Sadness? It isn't an urgent demand for release, that I am feeling, more like a peaceful request for a trickle..non demanding, easy, gentle.  

Hmmm! I am worried about my sister and others  and I am worried about myself...well this "little me" version of self and how this "me' is going to keep coping with these external demands of my life.  

Worried?  That doesn't even sound right...whatever I am feeling is probably more of a letting go of worry.  It is like a surrendering to what is...yeah.  That is what it is. It isn't worry.  It is a surrendering of my need to fix all, control all, be heard and validated....things I have clung so tightly to for so long.  I am not my circumstances.  I am not my past. Though there is a certain sadness, there is a freedom to this trickle ...a sense of healing and relief.

I still have so much "Trauma" stuck inside me...in knots...and with each of these surrenders, these minature releases, those knots start to unravel. It is bitter sweet. 

My sister's situation not only brought up my concern for her but it brought up memories of  our history together. A lot of different unprocessed trauma started to unravel in me.

A need for healing is inspiring me to go back to the books I have written.  To finish my novel based on my other sister's story.  To go back to "Diary of an Interesting Patient" and revamp it so I can send it out again. These books were written to help me heal.  So powerful was this inspired need for healing of my health seeking wounds that I wrote "Diary..."  in under four months. It just poured out of me, or through me...whatever this strange process involves. 

My sister's story is the biggest challenge ...it brings me right back and I have been avoiding going to it.  I have 60,000 words...would like another 20-30 and a completed first draft with a  well rounded story by February first.  I will commit to that.  I have someone in the industry who offered to read it .  I might take him up on that.

Hmmm!  All is well in my world.  

Sick of Feeling Powerless?

 

The issue with complaining is that when you pretend to be the effect of a circumstance or person, you designate the cause to be out in the world, and become powerless. 

Erin Fall Heskell

I am sick of feeling powerless. 

I got a call for a mammogram a few days ago and it blew me away.  It shook me up for several reasons.  First of all...it brought me back to memories of that powerless state. 

I also could not get it into  my head that it would be almost a year since my last one by the time this appointment comes. I can't get over how fast "time" as we know it passes. 

It also forced me to realize that  I have had this issue for 14 months now.  This time last year I had just seen the surgeon and she ordered a mammogram I just couldn't seem to get.  Was denied twice. Then I finally got an appointment that got quickly cancelled once a particular person  found out and I had to wait over Christmas for "complicated case day".  The only thing making it "complicated", I discovered, was that the women scheduled that day had to be lectured on why mammograms and MRI's should not be ordered because they lead to a whole series of events that cost the department, and the province time, energy and resources.  I actually walked away from that appointment, with obvious concerning changes,  apologizing and feeling bad for being a part of that inconvenience.  That is until I  shook my head and realized the absurdity of it. 

And that is on my mind when I get the call. OMG...I have to go through this again! Is this going to fall on another "complicated case day"? Like really? 

When I was asked about changes...I went blank.  Do I tell her about the only time I palpated in the last ten months and I found that area in the underarm?...I told the surgeon, I don't have to tell her? Do I tell her about the pain? If I do will this complicate this and lead to another run in with this individual? I ended up saying, "It is as it was"...whatever that means lol.

I guess they will see on the mammogram if anything is or isn't there. Hmmm!

I am complaining!

I am switching my bracelet over to the other wrists as I tell myself to refocus on the positive here...There is goodness in all individuals even when they are confused about what is important. I focus on that! There is blessing  in every situation too. I focus on that! 

Even if this ends up falling on another "complicated case day" , it will  still be good for me and other women.  It will be the last one they will ever have there. 

All is well!

Complaining?

 Imagine who we would be if we were complaint free.  If only one percent of the population was complaint free, we would have the courage to love.  I think war would be laughed out of the room.  Just imagine, people would speak kinder to each other.  We would care more about the children. We would love everyone...Black, Jewish, the chinese, the homeless, your neighbor. We would no longer blame anyone.  We would touch each other.  It would be the beginning of paradise.  Nothing can dim the light which shines within.

Maya Angelou

Hmm! I put a bracelet back on my wrist, the  one with the buddhist tassle.  

I kind of put aside my committment to the complaint free challenge a few months ago  and that was obvious with how much I complained, how negative I have been, and how I had summed my life experience up to being "problematic" over the last couple of weeks especially.  I read Day 15 of Heskell's book today and it was entitled "Complaining". Go figure!  It kind of reminded me of how I was living in a complaining, fault finding mind and how disempowering that was.  I also ironically listened to Eckhart Tolle talk about Dealing with anger, resistance and pessism and yep...it was like I received a gentle nudge from the universe this morning.  "You are slipping off the track my dear...get back on".  I am so grateful for that!

So what is the most important step into a Complaint Free World? Being aware of the negativity in our heads and what is coming out of our mouths. Sure I have some challenging situations to deal with...but I was definitely "fault finding" and complaining. And that does absolutely nothing but make Life more challenging than it has to be for me and the people around me. . . I don't want that!

Other steps we can take:

• With compassion, patience and understanding we can look at our selves and others who complain as being sick with a contagious illness of conditioning, expressing a  sense of inadeqaucy, fear, frustration and powerlessness through the complaining. Sure...it isn't healthy and something we definitely want to change but it will require care and time and lots of practice to overcome this ailment.  We need to be easy on ourselves and others as we make this change.
• Begin to change our focus from one of complaining, to one of finding solutions. Instead of feeding the ego's need to complain and do so behind the individual's back, we can open up honest dialogue with the individuals involved.  I did that this week and it was very very healing! Instead of focusing on what Life is doing to you...try focusing on what can be done about it.  Remember that serenity prayer. 
• Change the negative focus on fault, to a focus on gratitude.  If it is another person we are building a case against, we can become the defence attorney rather than the prosecutor...we can build up a case for the person. That doesn't mean we deny the behaviour or the choices that are destructive,  we just seek things to be grateful for in that relationship because gratitude is so much more healthy and wise than resentment and fault finding. Maybe all we will find on honest reflection is something like, "I am grateful that they showed me, through their destructive choices and treatment that it is not wise for me to stay here; I am grateful that they challenge me so I step beyond my ego etc." For every fault there is usually a blessing...in a person or circumstance.  Find the blessing and feel the grace of gratitude replacing the unease of resentment.
• In stead of taking on a 21 day challenge...maybe we can start with a 24 hour.  Get through 24 hours without complaining  and revel in that amazing accomplishment.  Then try another 24 hours.

I have so much to be grateful for:  

• Though it looks like my sister may have infarcted ...she is doing well.  She has someone I trust and  would want as a health care  provider looking after her. She is stable and waiting further diagnostic testing to determine if it is a type 1 ( clot/blockage) or type 2( ischemic event from decreased cardiac output/ spasm etc) 
• I can seperate my situation from hers and find great peace in that. I am no longer subconscioulsy attempting to bring up my past situation so I have more to complain about. I can focus on "her situation" without complicating it with the drama of my own
• I have expressed my rights and needs to others I was complaining about regarding our living situation  in a calm, assertive  way and they appear to be following through.  I see effort and I am so very grateful for that effort.
• Though the relationships and individuals that have seemed to leave me rattled are far from perfect, they have their value, beauty, greatness, worth and I seek to focus on that.
• I am finding peace in this body, this mind right here and now.

All is well.

Erin Fall Heskell (2017 ) Awakening. Kindle Edition

Eckhart Tolle (April 2012) Dealing with Anger, Resistance and Pessism. https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=aqX5IFKYFWk&list=PLFRD1JaRnRK5UxuvUvUrR3IrrAwlCof4l&index=17

Problematic life?

 You do not have a problem except the one that is in your own mind and you put it there.

Mrytle Filmore

I apologize right off for my personal truth letting yesterday. I am so transparent it isn't funny and that is okay for me. I just see things as they are, I tell it like it is etc.  I have no desire to hide, or protect.  I have no secrets.  But.... I sometimes bring others into my truth letting when they may not be ready for such transparency. And I have to catch myself.  I may be okay with vulnerability and exposure (to some degree), they may not be. I see us all as one big human experience popping up in different forms...they may still see themselves as seperate, alone and therefore needing the protection of cover in whatever form it comes in.They may not appreciate me mentioning them as part of my story.   Hmmm! 

I also have a tendency to connect other experiences to my own. My ego saw itself in yesterday's experience...brought me back to some unhealed trauma and some story in my mind that I am still caught in, even if I did so much healing in that area. So I apologize for that as well.

I have been overwhelmned with "problems" in the last couple of weeks...and yesterday's situation just added to an already full plate.  I thought for sure I was going to drop that plate as I wobbled around with it and it was going to smash into a thousand pieces...making a mess that I would have to clean up cuz there seems to be no one willing or able to help "me"around here.  (How's that for melodramatic?).  I am overwhelmened by circumstances and I am succumbing once again to this idea that my life is problematic.  It is only when I am walking in the woods, meditating or knitting or doing yoga these days that I am able to create that necessary space between Self and this "idea" of being caught in a problematic life situation. 

I say to myself over and over these days, "I created this mess!  How on earth then do I decreate it?"

It starts with taking a deep breath, grounding back into my body and getting out of the mind where problems exist. I keep saying as I do in my yoga practice, "In this body, in this here and now." It helps. 

I have to take responsibility for any idea I have a problematic life because it is just that...an idea...an idea I put in my mind. 

I have to keep finding that space and operating from there rather than allowing the mind and its ideas take control of my life. 

"In this body; in this here and now!"

All is well.

 

Story 

Inside  the cover of  your mind lies the  beginning pages  of your story,

filled with "sound and fury", yes, but sometimes filled with  glory.

It is an epic in which  you write about your life as the hero, " little me"

who sets upon the path of righteousness, one fillled with future and history.

Round and round the story spins, getting more and more captivating

as you forever  stumble and redeem yourself in this quest  you are creating.

The evil doers multiple, their actions become more and more commanding

as the victim's cry for help and rescue becomes increasingly  demanding.

Depite the editor's request for  revision, heard somewhere beyond the thought

you cannot drop the word or page count, in this drama you are caught. 

You fill the pages with with "they" and "them" and  what was done  to you;

you justify your suffering as a response to tests you are endlesly  put through;

you draw your sword and hold up your shield in the climax of this plot,

cliging to this suffering, this heroic chivalery  with everything you got.

For what would happen to this hero  if you let the story go? 

Without the pages will "me" disappear along with everything you know?

Could the end of  this drama be the end of  the reality  that you see

or could it be the opening in which your real Self is finally set free?  

©Dale-Lyn December 2020

Thirty minute poem written after listening to the linked video.  Far, far from perfect...I know... and I don't care. I just felt like I needed to plop it here. So, so much going on right now. in "my life" and "my" head..I do not have the time or energy to resist a creative impulse or to work on it.  It gets put down as it comes to me.  I am caught in a story I am not particularly liking right now. 

But still...

All is well. 

Eckhart Tolle (October, 2020 ) Awakening From Self-Talk. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Afn0NLgByo

Responding Positively to Stressors

You can blame others, speak of broken promises, expectations, victim stories, but the reality is nothing can cause stress except the way you think.  To take responsibility and respond in a positive manner no matter what occurs in life is a measure of how Awakened someone is.  That does not mean you keep putting your hand back into a flame that keeps burning you, or stay in any circumstances where negative reactions are inevitable.

Erin Fall Heskell ( Day 9, Awakening)

 I  woke up with a bad dose of resentment flue again. Changes are about to take place in my household that I didn't actively agree upon.  Changes I  have said no to others to because it involves having something I  don't want in this house. I fear it will also disrupt the serenity of the yoga  studio because it will mean constant tresspassing through it...and history tells me that the individuals have  not treated what could be viewed as  "my" space with respect and thoughtfulness to date. 

I want what this new venture will give the person who is taking it on...a purpose, hope, something to do...though it is not the project I would have chosen for anyone in his situation. Can I make peace with this? I wish I was shown the respect I deserve ( how egoic does that sound?) with a sit down discussion before the plans were made but without consulting me...all the equipment was purchased and is on its way.

The four R's that I have written about previously were activated and burning up inside me when I awoke this morning. I was resisting, repulsion collecting, and looking to "run away".  Ready once again to run out the door and leave it all behind... I caught myself and said, 

"Wait a minte.  This was your house, your space first.  Even if it is just a material thing and you are trying to eliminate the "My" and "mine" from your life and to allow and accept what life hands you...you are still in a clump of flesh that has certain rights and needs; you still are operating from a human mind that needs serenity in order to accomplish the task it is meant to be used for. Yes, this stress you are feeling is just a creation of your mind as a reaction to  the situations you are presently dealing with; yes, you need to   accept and allow what life offers you, yes-you need to  lose your attachment to things, consider the needs of others but you also need to consider your own needs and desires,  you also  need to look after your body, your mind and your spiritual evolution and be assertive in doing so. Put away your "righteousness" yes...but do not deny your right to have a better life. You  have a "right" ( if right is the correct word to use here or not)  to create the life you feel will best serve you and your purpose here." 

Sigh!!! And I know I am reacting to this because other big doozies of circumstance have landed on my lap and I am just so tired. Though I want "me" to dissolve, I still need some semblance of peaceful physical space to do it in. Responding in a positive manner includes looking after what is truely important to me...my peace of mind.

All is well!

Stress

 

Stress Ball

Contracting and containing; holding breath; clenching fist

Fingers busy pressing down what is as the mind makes its list

Of things to do “out there” that will help to stuff the grief

Inside the round and spongy ball of tightly squeezed relief.

 

Meanwhile, necks strain to hold up heads swollen with pressing thought

and jaws clamp shut with iron bars over words that must be caught

forever within this flimsy crate of flesh, this image of perfect “me”.

Tight smiles on painted faces give  the world what it asks to see

 

 Busy limbs moving frantically, propelling, barely touching earth,

blindly grasping, clinging, reaching for some semblance of expected mirth

while all the less than pretty is pushed  down into nasty painful knots,

stuffed deep within the chords and sinews, forming lethal clots.

 

 “Move, move, move” and Do,do,do!” is constantly demanded

And the body, just a foolish tool of the mind, will do as it is commanded,

straining against the force of gravity, stressing ,  in this  world of busy men

all swimming in the same direction toward the unreachable amen.

 

Until “Stop!” the inner voice calls out, “release your lethal hold!

There is no need to work so hard to contain all you have been told.

Stop for a second and take one breath of life’s refreshing air

And release the exhausting hold you have on your turmoil and despair.”

 

Let your fingers relax their hold over that which you make so small

And allow and watch  what is to grow again within this spongy ball.

Life naturally expands so easily from its once painfully constricted state

When you release the pressure you put on it with all your  mental weight.

 

Allow the stuffed experience to be freed from its diminished,  twisted guise

As the once contracted , tightened muscles stretch into what is wise.

Let go! Of your need to restrict the space that you do not understand

and relax into the ease of it, as you watch it happening in your hand.

©Me(Dale-Lyn)...April 30/2020

 

 This could relate to Day Nine of Awakening: A 40-Day Guide. Erin Fall Haskell (2017) Kindle Ecition

This Moment

 

don't hold your breath

don't hold your breath and wait for glory

as you take the first step to the end of  story 

don't overlook, ignore, trod over  or smother 

this tiny step you take now toward the other

it is in the space between point A and B

that you must awaken and learn to see

that this is your life, right here, right now

embrace this step, accept, allow

put aside your wish  for this moment to leave

place your foot gently, then gratefully  breathe

© Dale-Lyn (Pen) September, 2020

I was inspired to drag this up after my morning practice of listening to Eckhart Tolle and reading Day 9 from Erin Fall Heskell's book. Basically made me think about how stress is a result of not accepting the  moment for what it is and/or using it only as a stepping stone to get to the next moment we assume will be better.  A few poems came out of me over the years related to these concepts.  The first one in September after listening to Tolle speak.  I cited the video then.  

Then as I was reading I was reminded of a poem about comparing Life to a waiting room...how we opt to put our dreams there.  I spent the last 15 minutes looking for that one . It isn't published here, I don't think.  I looked through my collection and was not able to find it.  If it was meant to be here I would have found it.  If it shows up I will put it here.  

All is well.

Yeats Forseeing the Great Transformation

 The best lack all conviction, while the worse are full of passionate intensity.

William Butler Yeats (The Second Coming)

Reminded of a poem today by hearing one line. 

I studied Yeat's poem, The Second Coming, in more than  one of my university English Lit classes many, many moons ago.  I hated it.  It gave me the weeby geebies.  The second coming of what?  What was this monstrous thing the  sphinx represented?  What major transformation  did it symbolize?  It certainly wasn't sweet and innocent! And why did every Lit class seem to bring this poem up when it was so far from a perfect poem? 

This one line, I heard misquoted today, reminded me of this poem. It says so much without getting into the major theme of the poem. Yeats in his seemingly blasphemous and apocolyptic  poem  is describing how the world he witnessed in 1919 was  changing, how all  false notions were falling apart at the center, and how we as the human race would be destroyed and than reborn  (Of course he doesn't make that sound very pretty but I believe he was  pulling the ancient, spiritual mysticism from the past and putting it back into the aftermath of what religion, science, technology, war (WWI), human history and adherence to "conviction: will leave behind???) 

Is it not  about getting beyond conceptual knowledge and our need for right or wrong? 

The best do not cling to their beliefs and ideologies.  They are okay with not knowing.  And the worse...those who will do the most damage, create the most destruction, go to war...are full of passionate intensity...They cling to their opinions of what is right or wrong, good or bad.  They assume they know that which they don't.

Hmmm!

All is well.

 The inner world is a reflection of the outer world, as within, so without.

Erin Fall Heskell

Just sit with that for a while.  

All is well!

What the Deepest Self Likes

 

Men are not  free when they are doing just what they like. Men are only free when they are doing what the deepest self likes.

D.H. Lawrence

Like I said I really do not know what I am going to write about when I sit here.  I have the page of notes I have taken from listening to or reading  something inspiring from a like minded individual as part of my daily morning practice, opened in front of me but often I don't even glance down.  I let my fingers take me on a tap dancing journey across the page. Sometimes that journey requires more research, more reading, more analysing of the notes I have in front of me but it is usually a very smooth process. Easy! Sweet, even. Time passes.  

So I don't know why I am here half the time, or what I will say but it is all good just the same. Why?  Because it isn't about "me".

All is well. 

Serendipity and Awakening

 [When we awaken] we expereince the depth and mystery of Life beyond concepts. 

Eckhart Tolle (somewhat paraphrased)

Serendipity, serendipity, serendipity.  

I see it happening everywhere.  I see it happening  with this blog.  I will read something, hear something, be inspired by a teaching or a quote  in my morning practice.  I will jot it down on a piece of paper with the intention of the possibility of it becoming my entry topic for that day. 

Then before I write my blog for the day, I will check in with the readership stats to see what was read in the last 24 only to discover that what I jotted down is already in an article I wrote  and that it was read by another in the last 24 hours.  Sometimes the exact same words!

For example, today I was listening to Eckhart Tolle talk about the Power of Presence.  At some point in the lecture he talked about looking deeply into the eyes of another person and seeing Presence/Self.  I jotted down "Eye Contact poem" in my head and on paper, I believe.  I  was going to look up the poem because I thought that alone was serendipitous that I had written it  years before I am hearing him talking about it at that moment. It was like a big "CLICK!" I thought maybe I would eloborate on that and offer the poem again. Then when I came here and checked out the readership for the last 24 hours...guess what entry was read by someone from all of the thousand some entries to choose from? ..."Eye Contact". Among the 12 entries read this day, the poem ws there. 

Isn't that uncanny?  Things like this are happening all the time...especially with words and quotes.

Yesterday I was reading Erin Fall Haskell's book and she offered a quote from Einstein about how science and religion are connected..  I said to myself..."man I love that quote, I will jot it down so I can  write about it maybe. " 

I came here  and began like I usually do, to look through my readership. One of the entries that was read in the last 24 actually had this quote on it.  I wrote this quote in my entry on March 14, 2017 and forgot about it. 

I don't know most times why I come here. It feels that I am being pulled by something much bigger than me.  And these are just little winks from the Universe reminding me I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. 

I like this kooky mysterious stuff.  It reminds me that there is so much I will never understand and more importantly, that I don't have to. 

Hmmm! 

Standing Tall Through the Storms

 It is the storm that commands the roots of the tree to grow deeper, thus stabilizing it. 

Dr. Erin Fall Haskell

I love this quote.  Did you know that the root system of a tree, that which you do not see, is much wider and more intricate than the tree you see is? These roots truly connect the tree to the Source of everything.   Without this root system the tree would not be able to stand, would not be able to live.  

Our roots are also much deeper than what appears on the surface of our life...and those roots are stabilizing us, keeping us going, feeding us...even though we often forget all about their existence or worse deny them because we cannot see them. Because of these roots we too are  connected to everything, even when  our surface appearance is of a seperate form. 

What makes the roots grow deeper? What makes us go deeper below the surface?  Storms, challenges, difficult situations, broken relationships or relating to unconscious people, illness,  loss, pain and suffering which is simply an accumulation of unwise  reaction to the storms of life...can be opportunities for expansion.  We can look below the surface and seek stabilization there. Rather than putting all that energy into trying to stop the storms from beating on our external forms, we can seek strength and foundation at a deeper level. ...so we can stand tall, peaceful, and fearless when the storms of life do come our way.  And they will come.  And they will go. Such is the way of Life.

There is beauty in a storm. Even when it knocks us down and  appears to break our bodies or minds.

There is such beauty in a breakdown.  such perfection.  It is the bustling arena where your soul and Spirit conspire to demand a new reality to transpire.

Storms have a purpose. Though they seem so random and unpredictable, nature knows what she is doing.  Life knows what it is doing. There is a purpose for it.  That purpose is change and transformation, a healing, a growing and going forward. The natural world is meant to constantly change, evolve and transform, as are we.

Keep faith that the Universe and all its infinite wisdom, tightly wound in every living cell is consistently working for your evolution.

Hmm!  I don't know where this book came from or why it landed on my lap when it did.  I have no idea about the personal motivations and intentions of this author.  I have no idea what a "Doctor of Divinity" is or how one goes about getting one.  Nor do I need to know.  All I need to know is that what she says resonates.  It is not new. I have  heard it so many times before in different ways.  Now I am to hear her way of sharing this same truth...for whatever reason.

It is all good. 

Erin Fall Haskell (2017) Awakening: A 40-day Guide. Erin Fall Haskell International